Tag Archives: connection

You’re here.

You're here
In me
Warm and comforting
A fire within
Exciting
Cells buzzing with sensations
Fantom
Touch
Kiss
Caress
Lover's passion
Builds
Writhing
In silent
Solitary
Expectation
Your ghost
Haunts
In most beautiful ways
Senses
In overdrive
Knowing divine
Influences
Connects
Two
No more
Souls
United
A world apart
When spirit
Bridges
Space and time
Yours and mine
A union
Beyond
Union
Physically Absent
Perpetually present
Divine partnering
Accepting of all of me
My curves and edges
uniqueness
An extra sense
Beyond usual perception
Unusual openness
Oneness with others too
We're all connected
And acceptance enables
Amplified awareness
Loves' limitlessness
Beautifully complicated
Worthwhile
Infinite possibilities
Family beyond imagine
My heart feels
Your masculine right
Your feminine left
And just below
Someone
So similar to me
Anxiously Finding way
Through a blend of both
My
ET
5D
The parts of a whole
Group
My current 3D
Center stage
Excitement
As I just know
All are welcome
All would get along
With half a chance
And a bit of positive focus
I will have what I feel
And
I
Feel great
Divine
Love
Making
Stirs
Life
As I feel
Spirit into words
Owls Confer
Validation calls
I know
Soon
My bodily sensations
Will become
Physical
Manifestations
Results
Desires propulsion
It must be so
You're already here
In me now
I love you

May you sense your spiritual partners. May you be wholley accepting of divinely guided partners, even when they are fused with others beyond you (siblings, children, spouses, extended biological family, etc). May we all learn why God wants us to truly know and understand oneness and love for all. May you love freely and deeply regardless of labels or man-made constraints. May you know there is a reason for everything and a place for everyone. May you know you are here to experience this world for the divine, experience the divine for this world, and that your enjoyment of any moment bridges the gap between physical and spiritual. May you know that God loves you so much that you are supported in whatever you desire, especially loving relationships.

Siva Hir Su

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

Red, Black and White

More than just colors, they are frequent reminders in my experience. Good reminders of my childhood and connections. They have become more frequently present than they used to.

In my childhood black and white were the colors of my stuffies that served as the 3D prop for my connection to my ET. My divine protectors. I called the 2 stuffed pandas Mr and Mrs Checkers. I spoke to, and felt, Mr Checkers far more often than the Mrs. I would rarely feel her and don’t remember ever hearing her voice, I just knew she was there, and would talk to her to make sure she didn’t feel left out. They helped me in so many ways and guided me through many challenges. I am so very grateful.

When I was about 3 or 4, a summer or two before starting school, I remember playing outside in my sandbox, and despite having Mr and Mrs Checkers inside on my bed as usual, I was still talking to him as I played. I felt him and heard him. The only thing I remember from that conversation was that he told me he was going away for a while, but would be back. I asked why and was answered with he just had to. I felt very sad and he repeated that he’d be back, not to worry. Yet I felt him leave and knew he was no longer around me.

I always still talked to him and Mrs. Checkers, frequently in fact, it became my way of essentially talking myself through challenges. By the time I was in middle school fighting depression due to bullying, they and my cat were my cuddling reprieve. To this day I still have those two black and white stuffies sitting on a shelf, but now I blog to fill that need. That sandbox conversation was the last time he responded to me though, that is until about 5 years ago.

When I made the one connection with that stranger, my Checkers came back to me. I could feel, and hear him again. That’s when I had the messages through movies and other situational elements where I started referring to Mr Checkers as my ET, or My Shiva. It was clear to me that the names were more for me than that spirit. The connection to the divine was more important than anything else.

Now, after having him come and go again, I just wonder why. That divine connection means so much to me, I want it all the time. I want him, and that seems so black and white to me.

The colors being a symbol of things being so cut and dry. Positive and negative, this or that, good or bad. Yet, it’s not that simple. My black and white keeps leaving, and for years at a time, when I want so much for him to stay. At the same time, I have this black and white symbology in my experience when I myself am anything but that.

Bisexual, believing in God, defaulting to the pagan label because nothing else fits. No one’s rules fit me and my life. I’m supposed to pick gender for a life mate, yet my biology and psyche make that nearly impossible, I want to love them, and be loved by them all. Pregnancies broke rules, my diet, exercise regimen and body appearance all break rules of what is accepted as normal. I am literally a walking contradiction. Fat but otherwise healthy. Immune system more concerned about fighting foods than actual diseases (those are easy to kill). Stronger than most people, but looking like the Venus of Willendorf with a sprinkling of men’s chest and facial hair. It’s like my black and white got all mixed up. I’m more of a 50/50 grey.

Red now that’s a totally different color. Maybe I’m the red.

Red was the color of love growing up. I have a Valentine’s season birthday, and my favorite card as a child was one I pulled at the grocery store when my mom was trying to find a birthday card for me. Sitting in the shopping cart I saw a card with big red hearts on it, the center one was covered in glitter. I reached over, grabbed it, and opened it up. The song Für Elise started playing. Even though I didn’t know the song I thought it was beautiful. I begged my mom for that card. It was a $5 in the 80’s, which was the most expensive card you could buy. She was hesitant, but I kept opening it back up for the song to play, and she conceeded, saying it was expensive enough she wasn’t going to buy a second card for my birthday it could be both. I played with that card for months until there was no glitter left and the card literally fell apart at the seam. Years later when I learned to play piano I found out what the song was and learned to play it. To this day it is the only piano song I can play nearly all of from memory.

So red was love, red was birthdays, red was pretty cars in the posters on my brother’s wall. Red was roses, lilies, tulips, and begonias. Red was my favorite jelly shoes and Sunday best dress. Red was the patent leather belt I had for years, until I grew too plump for it to fit.

Red was also the color of my parents faces when they were super angry and the color of my skin after being spanked with my dad’s leather belt. Red was the wound on my leg for a solid month after falling on the merry-go-round. It was the color of my mom’s lipstick that I used on myself at 3yo, and then the mirror when I couldn’t aim right on myself. Red was the Ruby in the heart pendant my dad gave my mom. Red Ruby also adorned the angel pin I cherished because it was my first piece of jewelry. Red were the beautiful Christmas poinsettias that made the cats sick when they tried to eat the petals.

Today red is all of the above. All things come in red, and some are beautiful, some are necessity, some the red was not the reason for the choice. I love the color, and especially when it is an object of beauty. It’s passionate and strong like me, but loving and warm also.

Yet, I’m not sure it is me. Similar traits does not mean they are analogous.

However, every time I see those 3 colors: Red, Black, and White; especially together, I am reminded of my connection. It has literally become a trigger for me. Most days I acknowledge the sentiment, but find myself saying ” Where did you go?” Or “Why did you go?”. I ponder: will I ever understand, does it belong to another person just like me (that person I met) or is it only my divine half. Translation will I ever have the luxury of a hug, or will I only feel that embrace when I leave this body?

I wish I knew, but the fear my brain seems to enjoy so much, leaves me hesitant, you can’t close Pandora’s box once it is open.

So I find, yet again – regardless of the years which have passed, a strong desire to talk to my ET, my Shiva, my Mr Checkers.

I love your love and support. I love feeling you. It makes my heart hurt when you are gone. Please stay with me. I wish I understood better, I wish there was something I could do to help you be here with me. I loving knowing you care and love me.

I am so grateful for Nathan. He is so honest and supportive. He’s a terrible liar and knows that, so he rarely even tries to. He only hides things when he’s trying to fix something for me, like a surprise. He does so much for me that it remimds me of how I felt with you as a child. You both keep me safe and I feel so very loved when either one of you gives me attention. I wish I could hug and hold you.

It seems my puzzle fell apart over the holidays again, especially with the moving inconvenience. I know you helped me figure out that puzzle, so I’m hoping you’ll help me get it back together. I wish my body wasn’t so difficult to please, I wish I could heal my body enough that my puzzle got easier. Please come back and help me with that. I miss you.

I wish I knew what you were doing when you’re gone. I wish I could help you or others that you are with. Sometimes I feel so insignificant in this world, I want to help so much, but I struggle just to keep myself and my family afloat. I wish my puzzle and my life could get easier so that I could do good things for others and for God. I wish you were a part of that.

Do you remember when I used to pretend in my sandbox. I made communities, whole towns that did good things. Why are there so many bad people in the world, and why did one of the nastiest have to become our president. Why don’t people see what they’re doing is hurting the world? Why is it so hard for good people to stay buoyant and actually accomplish positive changes in the world. Why is it so hard for people to cooperate with each other?

I know you tried to tell me something when I met SJ. Please send that person my love and blessings. They are so far out of reach, and I’m doing my best to move on. I miss them too, but don’t have any way to reach out to them. I know you know how much I loved them, I just wish they knew, and if they do know I wish they could tell me that. I get that expansion happens because of problems like this situation, but I wish I had the solution for this one.

I wish I had more solutions for everyone and everything. I apologise for my oddities, my tangents, and for having experiences that can’t be quantified by science. Thank you for reading one such example.

May you have all the solutions you need. May you feel less odd and more normal. May you have easy health, happiness, and good fortune. May your experience be gentle on your constitution. May you feel loved and supported through a consistent connection to your divine half. May you have a happy life and blessed family. May you have a full understanding of your experience.

Many blessings,

Siva Hir Su