Tag Archives: contemplation

Brain Relations

Anecdotal. Based on 1st and 2nd hand accounts in my experience. Take it with a grain of salt.

I’ve already talked about the cvid attacking whatever weak spot someone had. I’ve also already discussed my theory that it sped up manifestation of vibrational patterns.

An example of both; I’ll use Nathan, even though he’ll hate it (sorry honey). He has a pattern of “trying to” learned in youth, and hard to break (same as my patterns). Louise Hay stated in her book that the energy of trying can be a cause of kidney problems and she listed affirmations to solve it- when she wrote the book in the 80’s. The energetics of trying, eventually leads to kidney disease and Louise noted it decades ago, and figured out how to heal it. Nathan caught cvid and between the energetics he carried and meds he took, kidneys was his weakness. It was the first and most drastic hit of his cvid experience. What would have taken an entire lifetime to readily show dis-ease before, was shortened into less than a year.

I’ve seen the pattern repeatedly in everyone I come in contact with, and in their particular variation. But there’s more.

I’ve now had a couple clients mention “Covid Brain” as now being a noticed thing, awareness of it, but no full diagnosis or treatment. I suggested, at first mention, that it’s because doctors are happy to supply antidepressants, but if cvid actually caused damage to the brain it’s not going to be solved by prozac.

But it got me to thinking, especially with my battle and how it manifests. What if it is even more than that.

Because of cvid, I am now an open conduit to others energies, and have picked up on all my ailing relatives, pretty much every client leaves an energetic trail in my body, and even coworkers are impacting my awareness in big ways. I hold none of them responsible, it is just one way cvid affected me, and something I am actively managing. At the same time, I have a hell of a time kicking out negative thoughts. I’ve mentioned all this before. It has made my daily routine cumbersome in an attempt to keep myself up and afloat. I’ve also mentioned before that one of the ways I solve it, is to kick it out as if it was a person in me. Statements like “you are not me and I deserve better”. For the ailments, statements like “this nausea isn’t mine, get the eff out”. It has worked, so I keep doing it. It’s even worked on a bit of toe fungus that suddenly appeared about a month ago. I had a moment where I simply knew it wasn’t mine, and went with it. I mentally and verbally rejected it and now it’s cleared up on its own.

Then there’s this awareness that people are not-so-gradually losing their minds and behaving in atrocious ways, in public, online, everywhere. There are no filters anymore, and people are not-so-gradually getting more and more ludicrous and rediculous.

It has made me think. My brain does that; I respond by analyzing everything from every angle, especially when attempting to produce solutions.

The human brain is the closest thing to a computer that we have outside of electronics. I am not in IT, but have had more than one device killed by electronic viruses. I was in highschool when the Trojan was deleveloped and was crashing computers left and right. I understand the basics of how most computer viruses work.

And I see a parallel.

Computer viruses attack the weakest point and utilize the system to replicate to their own advantage, disabling the system to do anything else. They use whatever available to encourage not just the process, but replication to other devices.

I’m beginning to think that cvid has done just that, but with the human brain and body.

It infiltrated via whatever was our weak point. Nathan was kidneys; for me was thyroid, immune, and brain function itself.

Then once in, it started churning out negative thoughts to encourage other weaknesses to become noticable. I’m beginning to wonder if Nathan’s kidneys took a minor hit (why it took them so long to diagnose), and then the negative thought loop of the virus caused the ship to sink so to speak, and caused the sudden need for dialysis.

It would also explain, how even though I know I have worked my ass off to fix my health, I’m suddenly susceptible to other’s symptoms and had toenail fungus out of nowhere.

If your brain has really been hijacked and you don’t even know, then how can anything be healed. See the problem is many of our thoughts are nonverbal in nature and many of them control organ and body function.

You don’t think “kidneys please clean out my blood today and remove all the toxins”. Your brain just tells them to do so, and a particular chemical storm enables the process.

Now imagine instead, that the entire process is being controlled by a virus that intends to hoard everything it desires (toxins and nutrients alike), starve your body &/or organs of what is needed, and keep you alive just long enough to spread the virus further.

So now your kidneys are told go into standby function, and you don’t even know it, you weren’t aware anything changed, and it isn’t something you can see the results of immediately.

What then? How you do make a virus controlling your body in a negative manner, stop?

Do everything possible in opposition.

It’s been my plan all along and it is working. People have watched me and noticed my bad days in a variety of ways. They have seen the chaos and worried about me. They have noticed lots of things and not understood what I was attempting to convey. But I’m winning. I’m a winner, and always have been. I’m kicking this one in the ass, it’s just really slow going.

How?

By doing all the things that have always worked for me, regardless of what my brain tries to tell me, or how I feel at the moment.

I kick out every negative thought that I do notice. I take every opportunity to note and abolish anything that I know for certain isn’t mine. I tell my body things about how amazing it is and how it works so splendidly in certain ways (you may have noticed some of this in my poetry of late). I acknowledge that I am practicing all the good healthy habits as much as anyone in my shoes could. I am doing everything right, and I am certain of it because of my years of experience and previous history. I simply know that I am doing an amazing job kicking an insidious beast of a chronic infection in the ass. I label that beast with many different labels based on the context and factors involved, but in every situation I am acknowledging “this thing is toxic, it is lieing to me/my body, get it out, I deserve better”.

Simple and complex simultaneously.

I’ve even talked with Nathan about this quite a bit. He has been reading “Becoming Supernatural” by Dr. Joe Dispensa. It was recommended by one of my clients on a parallel journey, and it had helped her with some action steps, so he has been putting it to action in meditating on growing a new kidney. But I have encouraged him further. I suggested: What if the kidney failure was virus lies? Take self talk into the realm of opposition. AKA: My kidneys were lied to, they work just fine, and all the elements and descriptors that you do know to be true. Fill in the gaps where medicine can’t. I told him to tell himself he is healing and that his kidneys are improving and what that would look like. We discussed the visible signs to watch for, assuming it will work, including bringing up the memory of being over-dialized.

I told him to treat his brain like a computer fighting a virus. Quarantine every noticable instance. Delete contaminated files, and/or restore to prior version. Overwrite thought patterns that allow the virus to flourish.

There is no human antivirus (stupid vaccine did nothing truly helpful). So, we have to individually create our own mental antivirus software, we have to catch every bit of it ourselves. We have to eliminate every instance ourselves and create better every moment. We have to make it obvious to the virus that it isn’t welcome in our brain or body, and do everything it would rather we not do. Make it want to leave.

If you have to take up writing poetry to help yourself focus on that. Then do it. Make art with that goal. Take supplements that help even if your brain contrives nausea. Exercise even when your brain tries to convince you that you’re too tired. Stretch to fix stiffness. Salt baths to help stiff, sore, or bogged down with other’s energies. Eat stupid healthy, even if your brain tries to convince you otherwise. Eliminate stress every way possible. Turn your back on arguments or negatives you can’t control.

Anything and everything needed to nix negatives and replace with positives.

Like NIKE- Just do it.

And don’t expect a miracle… Hope for it if you want, pray for it too, but more just allow yourself the time and space to enable your body to do what it was designed to do. And it does take time.

We were first round- January 2020, and positive Omicron January 2022, with maybe 2 rounds during Delta timeframe (unconfirmed despite avid testing). I’ve watched clients, friends, family, all deal with the aftermath, some in denial but still very obviously in the midst of it. I’ve wrangled my own long-haulers, while navigating for my immediate family, because they all really on me. I’m still not 100% clear, but I’m far enough that I can see the trajectory enough to believe I’m over the hump. Regardless, I can tell by the way I feel and results I’m getting that I’m on the right track. I will win this, and my writing this post is in hope that it will help others. After this post I’ll likely go back to mostly poems.

FYI. One last note. I’m a bit stunned how much of what Abraham Hicks has been teaching for the prior 15 years applies directly to this sentiment. I’m really just rewording their message, but with emphasis on how it applies to fixing the damage and resetting your body to original standards. It’s almost like they knew this was inbound and we needed the mechanics I just described, to fix it. I know I have it down well enough to maintain stasis. Now I just need to move into solid improvement enough to be visible to others.

May you see the process and how to clear the hump. May you clear all the negatives and heal fully. May you understand the fullness of things in your experience and how they might help yourself and others around you. May you know that you can win against this or anything else. May you see the miracle of your body and know anything that isn’t yours doesn’t belong. May you have a clear and relatively easy path to the solution. May you know you can do it. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

If I could do anything?

Admist everything else that has been my life of late, that question has been on my mind. Yet I need to take care of myself at every opportunity to make up for my painful lapse. So, I have thought and thought, and now I write while balanced on my foam roller.

At first blush, 2 weeks on a warm sunny beach with no one would be awesome. No questions, no comments, no concerns, no inquisitive ramblings, no need to do this, or have to be there, no role to play, no person to be for someone. Just me, sand, sun, ocean view, and tasty cold beverages.

Except then I acknowledge how seemingly impossible that would be. Either I’d have to run away and have guilt over that, or hire a babysitter and home health. Neither of which is desirable and the latter is out of my budget, I can barely afford the two middle-schoolers that watch Ian and Katherine on the rare occasion we have to resort to that. Fortunately, they are homeschool kids so even during the school year we can call on them if needed, but it is always a last resort.

So I told my friend the office manager I was sitting on that beach in my mind as often as possible, and then she made sure that I had as much time as I wanted to myself yesterday. I am grateful for that. I struck the balance between to-do-list and running away and gave myself a couple solid hours of quiet me time.

Anyway, so there’s that question. I have thought immensley on.

The short answer is: what I’m doing now, just a little less of it, a couple hours a week less should be enough, but with proper external care- so adequate trades too.

The long answer started when I thought about the offered office admin position at the clinic. I can do it, I’m not a 30 year seasoned vet, but I get the complexities and processes. Yet, I find myself holding my breath often, and I really have to focus because it isn’t second nature for me. Between dyslexia compensation mechanisms, and easily distracted, I find I have to spend most of the day making myself focus. It’s just like when I was Activities Director. It’s not a bad job and the job itself isn’t that stressful, but me doing the job is.

Then I thought about things I like and things I don’t like. It was a long list of both. Ultimately, the important likes were making pretty/adding beauty to the world and helping people. Those two give me big feel good warm fuzzies. Yet, I am beginning to see that the former is a result of the latter, and also that the way I help people can be a much wider array of ways. So in a way my current role is a good reflection of that.

I also acknowledged that there are other jobs that could accomplish the same things, but most of them would require more education, and that is out of reach at this point in time. Others, I’m not sure they would be any kind of pay raise or reduction in labor, so there’s no hurry to switch.

I also felt that I have had many people over time acknowledge my talent in a variety of ways: being called a healer, being told I’m compassionate, being told I’m gifted, and thousands of “best massage in my life”.

It’s just in me and I’m okay with that.

It’s so much there, that massage is the one thing I’m so profeccient at, that I don’t really have to think about it. My mind can be on a million things and people never notice unless I say something about it. I can carry on conversations while working my magic. I don’t have to give it one thought.

Yet I do, I still spend vast amounts of time focused on what my hands are doing, pressure, sensations, and billions of repetitions of healing phrases and and Reiki statements. I think about how beautiful some of my clients are, and how kind, caring, strong, and generous other are. I think about all their good qualities to help them reach themselves and heal.

I don’t do it because I have to.

I do it because I want to.

I want to help and make beautiful, and doing what I do, does that for them. I want to be my best self so I’m always striving for more focused, more attentive, more helpful, easier. And to do all of that I focus on what I’m doing even more.

So even though my job is easy enough for me to mentally check out, I remain as present as the client’s conversation allows, most of the time.

Things that bring enjoyment and joy are those that you can focus on fully and completely.

The more attention you give to your now moment the better it feels. And for me, massage and art, are both neck and neck for that place. Those two things have brought me the peace of the moment, more than anything else in my life. When I was in highschool music was a tied third. As an adult I have no time for music, and I’d have to start over being so rusty.  I genuinely love all 3, and currently I’m working in 2 of them successfully.

Anyway, at the long end of my contemplation, I have decided I need to back off slightly and somehow figure out good trades bi-weekly. I’m not giving up on what I love because of injuries, I just need to make certain they don’t happen again. There is a balance and I will find it in time.

For now I’d still love that vacation. I’ll leave the door open that the universe finds a way to make it happen.

May you see you role in this world and love yourself for it. May you have all of the joy inspiring focus you need and may you never have to focus on something you’d rather not. May your skills match the job perfectly and make everything easy for you. May you breathe deep always knowing that you got this, and you’re doing exactly as was intended for you. May you find your way to make the world a more beautiful place and in turn help everyone the same as a drop of water in the ocean. May you always know that you are loved and supported in all that you do, and you have that and more from the divine always.

Om Shanti

Furthermore (after publishing thought):

I am able to focus on massage and art, even when life melts down. I am able to focus on them even when I’m in pain or distress. I am able to focus on them in the midst of everything. I choose to do them because I enjoy them and they help me too. I choose to make the time for them, because they serve me well always, and bonus they help me pay my bills too. They are my gateways to my inner being no matter what else is going on in the world.

I wish that for everyone. May you all find that thing or the things that are gateways to your inner being no matter what is happening in your world. Those are your gifts. Cherish them always.

Om Shanti

Next!

A continuation of previous inquiries.

  • I wonder if men are afraid that they will be treated by women the way they as a whole gender have treated women for so long?
  • Do the men that fear retribution not see there are ways to safely return balance, and that their own actions matter?
  • And the layered wrongness of assuming a woman did sexual favors to get into any position of power…. Should we also assume that men do sexual favors for each other to get into those positions? We already know there is a fair amount of human trafficking of women for those men, but maybe they are also just giving each other head to climb ladders. Or isn’t it just vile that we have to make any of those assumptions, when did being at the top loose any meaning of knowledge, skill, fortitude, or accomplishments?
  • I was once told it is wrong to think or wish anyone dead no matter how disrespectful or disgraceful they were as a human being. It is truth because wishing death on anyone for any negative reason is harmful to oneself because you are focusing on a negative because of a negative. Those patterns only beget more of the same, but when the thoughts are internal they often trigger the same pattern internally and lead to ill health. However, should we also not see and find solutions for the fact that vile people lead our country and medical systems? Should we not acknowledge that it’s simply not okay for those people to be in power and to be causing us harm on multiple levels including gender inequality and stripping away of rights and freedoms?
  • And, are you contemplating their death from a cruel, vindictive, or good riddance standpoint; or more from a compassionate view for them or those they are affecting? The how’s and why’s of death’s contemplation is what makes it negative or not. I have prayed for the peace and soothing release that someone desperately needs through death, far more frequently than for a death of a ‘healthy’ individual. Even at that, the ‘healthy’ individual is a relative statement, because most of those individuals were causing harm and hardships for many, which one could argue is not healthy for them, but definitely not healthy for the masses, and my requests are always generated from the relief for the most standpoint.
  • My own personal goal is to not do anything I am not willing to accept as my own consequence. If I loose my mind enough to bring harm to millions of people, I honestly would hope that someone would stop me at any cost. I am perfectly fine with that consequence, but I aim to not be that person to begin with.
  • I guess what I’m getting to is: acknowleding the levels upon levels that one has to evaluate before making any firm statement. I think we all need to do that in regards to many things and many contexts. Do any of us really use that level of responsible judgement before making sweeping broad statements in a very opinionated way? And does God hold every single one of those blazĂ© statements against us, or does God realize that it is yet another flaw of our humanness?
  • Does God already understand that our emotions sometimes get the better of us and we say things that we really don’t mean, just like parents with children? Does God have a way to tell what we really mean beyond human words, and solve the problem anyway? Does God ever know that we are expressing frustration over problems experienced, and see the layers of the whole picture and the whole onion of tears before reaching for a solution for us?
  • I like to believe that God really is greater and understands all of that and so much more that I’m not even able to communicate fully.
  • I like to believe God understands more than words, that God feels the emotions and the vibrations and sees the bigger alignment of all of it, and is able to see the best solution possible.
  • I like to believe that I am capable of trusting God and the divine in general, and that one day I’ll have a better understanding of why I needed so damn much patience to get through certain moments and periods of my life.
  • I like to believe that all my struggles and learning lessons along the way really did matter for a better experience, and that I will get to enjoy that experience for as long as I’d like, that I’ll really get to know what easier feels like in a prolonged way, and that it might lead to even greater ease.
  • I like to believe that the carrot is real and at some point I’ll get to enjoy the carrot cake in a wonderful way, and that the longer I wait maybe there will be even more and even better choices of cake. In a certain context, I took the best thing I’d seen the first try, and it didn’t pan out well- the dominoes didn’t fall as expected, maybe I didn’t wait long enough, or maybe that was a giant learning lesson to guide all my learning lessons. Again, only the divine knows the real answer. So I’m trusting and waiting patiently. Waiting for the feeling of knowing and certainty.
  • I am ready to be ready for improvement, and the divine will tell me how to get there one step at a time, and I can only ever accurately levie judgement upon myself, and even then after much contemplation.
  • I spend my days doing my best to be mindful, release stress, improve myself, and reach for better. On the occasion when another “gets my goat” I do my best to release it in whatever way I’m able (sometimes writing it out) and then forgive myself for falling for it, and forgive them for being the role of a trigger in my experience.
  • I wish everyone had that awareness, and we were all working that direction. I want us all to be happy and fulfilled and living easier lives: friends, family, neighbors, the whole of humanity. I genuinely want a better world in all the ways.
  • I’m doing my best to let go of my fears. It is entirely possible that I could make another choice that goes entirely opposite of my desires. I’m also afraid of hurting someone else because of my choices, as I’ve done plenty of that as well. Yet I am doing my best to maintain faith and trust in divine processes, and trust that if I listen well enough things will get better. I continue to reach for better.

May you have moments of recognition and understanding. May you find compassion for others, and forgiveness for yourself and others for any transgressions. May you have enough glimpses of the bigger picture and enough messages from the divine to know everything will be alright. May you find your patience even when you feel like you’re wearing thin. May you know for certain that one day it will all be worth it.

Om Shanti

Inked commitments

I see a lot of ink in my job, in fact sometimes I recognize somebody’s face, but I don’t really remember who they are until they get on the table and I see their ink. This week one of my irregular clients was in. I’ve seen her 2 or 3 times over the last year and half, so I didn’t immediately remember her. She has a tattoo that reads: “I am my own before I am anyone else’s”. That helped me remember and in prior sessions she was fairly quiet.

Her tattoo, however, made me think about commitments in a big way. Not just the commitment of ink, but in the message it, and she, conveyed.

She spoke of having a fiancee, someone she cared about and was committed to, but then she also spoke about not getting married ever. She referenced all the problems that happen in regards to marriage. She spoke mainly of financial concerns based on a book she had read encouraging people to navigate the system in beneficial ways. They were all thoughts that had crossed my mind early in mine and Nathan’s relationship. She’s right, there are lots of reasons to not want to get married. I have experienced some of them in my own marriage and in watching my parents marriage. Financial concerns, strife and arguments being the biggest factors that I’ve noticed in mine and my parents marriages.

I admired her commitment to herself, and genuinely hope that it works out for her. For me I see the compromise that we make just living life, and acknowledge that myself comes first in most ways, all which I’m able, but it’s still life. My goal is to live my best life and take care of myself as best as possible, but in some cases that means extra challenges. It is that which leaves me acknowledging there are also lots of reasons to do the commitment of marriage. That is why many of the old masculine paradigm are still drawn to it.

Even the government acknowledges that once you’ve lived together, shared finances for so long, and had children, you’re essentially already married. And let’s face it if you’re that entwined, augments are inevitable to some degree. Most states acknowledge this with “common law” marriage rules. And let’s be honest if you’re having children, either you’re living together and sharing everything anyway, or you’re separated and one parent is automatically the non-custodial parent. Said parent has limited visitation and limited rights and required financial commitments (child support). States do frequently pursue child support from non-custodial parents even when marriage was never addressed, and often when there were supposedly amicable agreements. On the other hand, if you’re living together you share all the rights and all the responsibilities, and it’s still up to both of you, as to how that is handled. The choice of getting married or staying unmarried doesn’t do anything to solve the puzzle of having children. There are pros and cons to both sides of that fence, and if you want to be an active participant in your childrens’ lives then common law or traditional marriage are your only real options. Otherwise you get the short end of the stick in most ways, and still have to pay for them.

In mine and Nathan’s marriage it has meant a big factor was making certain that his daughter would be cared for should anything happen to him. Right now due to legalities he is solely responsible for education and medical concerns for her, and has been since her mom died. However because her mom is already deceased, if anything happened to Nathan, all I would have to do is present both death certificates to proper governing bodies and assuming there were no other petitions for custody, I would be granted legal guardianship. It has been a huge relief factor considering Nathan’s health concerns beginning early in our relationship, starting 6 months after we decided to marry. There have been other concerns over children as well, since I’ve now produced two more of them.

Yet we are polyamorous.

Polyamory struggles with this conundrum because in most of the United States only one marriage is legal. So, you play the dance of trying to decide: 1-do I marry one person and call everyone else my significant other, or 2- do I marry none legally and just have a bunch of significant others, or 3- do I marry no one legally and hand-fast my partners to have multiple non-legal spouses.

It creates hierarchical structure concerns, and then when children get involved, it creates further custody and responsibility concerns for every adult in the family. United States law simply has not addressed polyamory in any way to date. So, most polyamorous families end up attempting to solve the problem with legal guidance, and legal documentation, to sometimes still have biological grandparents/aunts/uncles throw kinks into postmortem processes. There have been more than a few polyamorous families, and many polygamist families, end up in long legal battles after one adult passed away.

That is why Nathan and I drug our heals at making the commitment. We both acknowledged that marriage was a huge risk by itself, and being poly from the onset of our relationship made it an even larger risk as a commitment. We discussed it for hours on end, many times over 4 years, before finally sealing the deal. We weighed pros and cons and all the risks of both sides.

For me it boiled down to love. I knew I loved Nathan and his daughter enough to take every last one of the scary risks we had acknowledged, especially after his miserable divorce completed. I was willing to walk through fire if it meant they knew I loved them and wanted the best that I could manage for them.

I also knew that my own health battle meant I regularly fought both inside and outside of myself. My brain was frequently intent on making me see the worst in everything and it would often cause a strong desire for either death, suicide, or escape, no matter the circumstances. I knew that for me the commitment had to be extra hard to get out of, mostly to make certain I would fight hard enough to win the war waged in my brain and emotions. I wanted to make sure that my inner me, who loved them truly and deeply, had a trigger in my mental sphere to encourage the fight for good. I didn’t want the negative ninny in my brain to win simply because it was easy to escape. Marriage ultimately became my insurance to fight for my own life and to keep reaching for the love I knew was there.

I knew my love for Nathan and his daughter was worth fighting for. Every good moment felt amazing. Every time my brain was in a good space, there wasn’t a shred of doubt that I loved them. It was a deeply felt knowing, that when my brain was clear, was easy access. I wanted to preserve that even when my brain malfunctioned, and being married with divorce as a consequence enabled me to win against my brain over and over again.

To this day I still acknowledge that divorce really would do me no good. It won’t solve the role of finances and could make it even worse. It won’t solve my brain’s function. It won’t make taking care of myself any easier. It won’t be helpful for children, and could potentially traumatize all of us. Divorce simply won’t fix anything that is broken, and could lead to even greater damages. So it is still my safety net to continue to fight the good fight for love. May it always work and love overcome all.

I hope that one day there will be another that feels as I do, and we can commit through all of those legal hoops, to make a solid attempt at protecting a poly family. Anyone willing to go through that definitely has love and all of our best interests at heart.

May you always know how to put yourself first and care for yourself as fully as life allows. May you know that occasionally legal commitment is the route to enable that. May you know that not all commitments must be legal to be truly valid, that a commitment is really demonstrated in many ways on a daily basis, sometimes as simply as surviving the rough parts. May you know that everything has a reason and a purpose, and that our goal here on Earth is to find ways to improve upon everything as best as we are able. May you see that improvement in yourself and know that you win a war every time that your brain would prefer you don’t. Regardless of your decisions may you see that everything works out just as you need. Above all my you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Expectations of Happiness

How does one define happiness, and why is our own definition so illusive?

It’s a weird rhetorical question.

I have no solid answer myself, as I can find my happiness sitting alone in a room, meditating, during a quiet massage session, or sitting in my hammock.

On the same token there are times that I feel like I should be happy when I’m not.

Today is the 4th of July. Former president Trump and 2020 ruined what shred was left of my patriotism. I should be happy to celebrate this holiday, but I have been grumpy all day long. At the same time I am fighting a desired to run away.

I could apply for a management position at what is now my part-time second job, they are hiring for many positions with an impending new building opening. It would be a massive promotion and I’m certain they want me to do so. It could be equivalent to income I make from the clinic, maybe a hair more, and the work would likely be much easier on me physically. However, the stress levels would be high, I’d probably be on-call a lot, and likely end up working as much, if not more, than I do now. It’s not my own business, and it’s not the intentional community I desired.

The skills might help with my dream community, but at this point I have a strong awareness that I can learn anything I need in a very short span of time, so the learning lesson is much less of a draw these days. Beyond that, 2020 again ruined my desire to work with elderly in any fashion, and I am already considering quitting the part-time work because of it. I would have much less headache and Saturday afternoons off, something that seems really appealing with our new mess related to dialysis.

The clinic still has me occupied 5 to 6 days a week and I feel like I work with platonic family. It is a good feeling and I know my work there is genuinely helping many people. Literally the only real drawback is that it is hard on my body and requires many hours of self care. Also because of that, I know my income will always be limited and I have likely already reached my maximum.

If I stay where I am and doing what I am doing then life will be fairly unchanged for years to come. It’s not really a horrible thing, but I am simply just tired of bearing the weight of a family alone. I have done it for almost 16 years and on very few occasions Nathan or I had to grovel to our parents for assistance. Most of them were right after we moved to Kansas city and turned around to deal with his hospital stay. It was a very rough period and the only period that I had to beg for parental assistance more than once. Out of 16 years I’ve asked my mom for money 4 times, and Nathan’s mom about the same (maybe a couple more times). The rest of the 16 years has fallen squarely on our shoulders, and only the last 10 have been my sole responsibility. When I state it that way, it doesn’t seem like that much, but my experience of it is just wearing me out.

I’ve been contemplating grad school, but know I can’t get a loan. So to that end I’m contemplating taking the MCAT and Mensa tests. It’s my hope to get scholarship if I do well enough, but I’ve set no direct commitment yet, only inquiries on tests and chiropractic college.

I’m also contemplating simply looking into a loan to start a massage school of actual merit. THAT I already have enough knowledge and commitment for. God knows KC needs a decent massage school, or I’d be able to find a quality trade partner easier. It would be a ton of legwork and writing on the front end, skimping by financially until a student body could be acquired and actual classes could begin. There would be accreditation processes and board certification processes, course management and all of the regular business and accounting issues to deal with, all out of whatever loan I managed to procure. It would be fast paced and grueling for several months to get set-up and functional, and everything would ride on loans until students began enrollment. Not impossible- my massage school had just done that when I enrolled 14 years ago and they are still functional.

This week the chiropractor encouraged me to shift my business to a full LLC, and I wondered if that was my cue to lean that direction. I simply don’t know.

Part of me is perfectly fine with settling and riding the calm waters of maintaining what I’ve already created. Especially if I quit the part-time job and get my Saturdays back for relaxation and fun.

Part of me knows this is not really my Atira, and is downtrodden over the prospects that I may never see my actual dream manifest. That’s the part of me that wants to run away.

I simply don’t know, and my tired brain just wants the elusive happiness all the time. It’s there when I have the time and space to find it, but I have a hell of a time keeping it in me.

For now I leave you with my rhetorical question and ramblings.

May you find your happiness, know your expectations, and find a way to maintain it regardless. May you instill in your children the ability to maintain their happiness while also lifting our world up. May we all enjoy our lives mostly and find ease in navigating the paths of life. May you be comfortable with your life regardless of where the roads lead you. May you see that everything happens for a reason, sometimes to just give you clarity on what you don’t want. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti