Tag Archives: contentment

Multifidus

What are Multifidus?

Multifidus muscle (musculi multifidi) Multifidus is a group of short, triangular muscles that along with the semispinalis and rotatores comprises the transversospinal group of deep back muscles. They are the thickest muscles in the transversospinal group, and are shorter than semispinalis, but longer than rotatores.

Erector spinae and multifidus The erector spinae muscles produce the extensor force needed for lifting, whereas the segmental extensors, primarily the multifidus muscle, provide stabilization of individual lumbar motion segments

Beyond muscles, I thought it was appropriate terminology for linking together multiple elements of which one finds support, stabilization and overall functionality. That is why I chose to start my blog with that name today.

I have found myself pondering many things this week, and their link is me. They are all elements of my life that I string together into one functional cohesive whole, moving together for a greater good. They give me support through learning lessons and being able to see my own skills and progress. Without any one of them my metaphorical spinal column would collapse.

There was the strep throat, which once I got the PA to pull her head out of fraidy-cat and do her job, quickly began subsiding. It’s amazing how an antibiotic and Prednisone script when utilized properly for the appropriate disease works wonders. I went from not being able to eat or drink hardly at all for 2 solid days; to now I have a tiny tickle that makes me cough occasionally, and a couple rough patches in my throat that haven’t fully healed. I was less concerned about the lack of eating as I have already been eating minimally for a while. But the dehydration began to set in fast and by the time I actually saw the PA I’d already gotten chapped lips and my skin on my hands was cracking and peeling. If I’d have gone another day without enough water I’d have been wasting a hospital bed just because of lack of fluids. I’m just glad I got through to her and managed to get a proper solution.

During my short strep journey my mom visited. In fact it really was nearly the same 5 day stretch. She was not really concerned about catching what I had since we’d both had strep before. I love my mom. We had long talks about a lot of things. I really appreciate all the good things I gained from her. I realized that she has had a hard time fighting her own demons and that has left her feeling like she didn’t do right by me. I did my best to explain that there wasn’t anything she could have done differently and that though there are some things I’m still trying to change about myself- mostly from dad, and I truly appreciate all the good qualities I gleaned from her. She’s my mom and I love her.

While she was here she cuddled with kitties which I know made her miss her departed Rusty and Fuzzy. I miss those cats too sometimes. She also made friends with Zen. It was adorable.

She also spent many hours sitting on our porch swing watching birds and butterflies in our yard. I have a few thistles we let blossom to dry for tea, and the goldfinches, hummingbirds and butterflies simply love them.

Kansas City is still not normal functionality for many things and my mom loves gardens. So my solution, for being under par myself and not being able to do normal things, was to do a driving tour of the city with stops at a couple of the gardens. We went to Jacob Loose park for their beautiful rose gardens and then to Kaufman Gardens, both of which are free and open year round, though prettiest in May to early July. Anya climbed trees and tried to encourage Ian to try as well. It was good fun. We all had a good time and everyone benefitted from some calm fun in the sun.

After our day of sunshine and flowers, I drove mom home to Iowa. I was sad to have to let her go, and I sincerely hope it is not the last time I see her. I know she feels like she has lived a full life and she tells me over and over that she is ready to go home. She says her body hurts frequently and she’s just looking forward to seeing her divine family. We have a genetic heinze-57 mix in our family, but heavy on Irish, Scottish and English. However, mom talks about her dreams of her Irish family and her true love she never found in this life, even having dreams of her horse. I told her I can sympathize and told her of my dreams where I was Quan Yin and Shiva (that brought up a whole discussion of beliefs in reincarnation and how sometimes I feel like I get judged unfairly for cultural strip mining.) Regardless, I appreciate our long conversations and hope there will be more of them. There are some things I still don’t tell my mom, because I simply just know she wouldn’t understand. Her relationship history has not been good, and elements of it leave me knowing she would not understand polyamory. I don’t think she would be mad or upset, just that she is in the state of misunderstanding where you can’t believe that someone would willingly want to do something. So I don’t talk about it, but we do find plenty of other things to talk about. It made for the almost 300 miles back to her home in Iowa much less painful.

On the drive though I was sad to see how much damage the derocho did as it passed through Iowa. The entire I-80 corridor had major damage and it stretched for miles and miles both north and south of 80. Mom was saying that originally they estimated a third of the crops were devastated, but as the damaged plants have dried, they are now suspecting half of the crops are lost. Harvest will begin early to glean how badly everything was damaged. I’m finding myself glad over the fact that I have not consumed corn or soy for a long while now, and that even my meat consumption is lower. The 4 states that were devastated by the storms are all in the top 10 of corn and soybean producers. That means that next year the hogs and cows will have less feed and the myriad of products made from corn and soy will all be much more costly and possibly more scarce. Something I simply will not need to worry about. It does concern me for the rest of the country though.

Anyway, some of the devastation was so intense I just had to try and snap picture as we passed. It may be hard for the untrained eye, so I’ll give you a couple internet images of healthy fields and trees first. The first two are just what a healthy corn crop looks like from the side, 3rd is those healthy fields on a tree line, and last is a healthy soy crop.

Next are the images I managed to snap from the car- sorry for the window glare. What you’ll see: Entire lines of trees with their leaves ripped off, entirely or much more sparse than usual. Corn fields flattened directionally, corn fields with few stalks standing and those are ripped bare; soy fields with huge swaths of brown damaged plants; trees fallen by the thousands many still being cut into usable wood for alternate purposes.

What I didn’t catch was all the businesses and homes with major damage. There simply was too much for me to document properly on my short drive. It is a bit sad for me because I know a much different Iowa and it will take years for the trees to fully recover. Businesses and homes will be rebuilt quickly, a matter of weeks to months and insurance will do its job. Crops will be harvested to the best of their abilities, and there will be an impact, but Iowa farmers have always done good to utilize as much as possible, so if they can salvage they will. What they can’t salvage insurance will cover in the short term and long term people will adjust as needed. We will get through this as much as any disaster.

What it all did do was give me something to shift my focus to gratitude and to see what I do have. Ultimately I spent the rest of my drive back to my home focusing on the good things and seeing that my Atira really is here. It’s not as I have dreamed all these years, but it is here and it’s close enough. I had a solid knowing that I am good enough and my dreams did matter.

My big shiney Atira dome home, for a big poly family, well it’s me and Nathan, kids and pets, in a 3 bedroom ranch in Kansas City. But there is hope for more, and always room to grow.

My mom isn’t in a little dome on the back 40, no she’s in a little brick quad-plex in rural Iowa. But she wouldn’t have had upkeep either way, and she has the peace and quiet in nature that I always wanted to give her. She is mostly content, and though I can’t walk to see her, it’s not really that long or painful of a drive.

My grumpy ass dad that wasn’t even supposed to be at Atira still got to visit and see that all his demeaning behaviors made me a better person than he. Plus he’s being cared for by my sister whom, even without any experience, is probably the better candidate to meet his desires and outdated beliefs.

My business park is really just the clinic; and my significant-other business partners, well they’re not-so-significant-others. Despite having thought the one chiropractor had lots of potential with the energetic connection, I’ve come to terms that it probably won’t go anywhere. And the office manager is a kind hearted woman like my mom, that wants to understand and be helpful, but sometimes just needs others to be understanding for her and her concerns. The both have my heart in much different ways than my dreams of Atira had implied. No less significant though.

My temple is my basement and no gatherings have been accomplished because of Covid. This too will pass.

My affordable, very capable, mechanic that can fix anything is a good man in Merriam.

My stores are scattered all over the metro area.

My Atira community is really another companies’ retirement home that has wonderful people working and living in it. I’m glad that my skills are still of service to them.

My festival grounds are our old stomping grounds out at Camp Gaea, and those too have been put on hold due to Covid. You know if it’s clothing optional, that masks won’t be worn either.

My studio space is a corner of our bedroom, and Nathan’s darkroom is the spare small room in the basement. Our gallery is still manifesting.

And Nathan. He is my everything. He wasn’t supposed to be, there were supposed to be others to share the load. But Nathan does his best. He’s my love, my children’s father, my parent on duty, my home educator, my house husband, my resident photographer, my high priest, my magician, and would-be Gardner. He does everything I ask, mostly in appropriate timing and with little to no complaint. He even finally figured out how to help with income and for that I’m so very grateful. I am mostly amazingly grateful for him in my life, especially since the challenges have begun to subside.

My Atira is here. It’s not perfect and doesn’t match my dreams of many years passed, or designs exactly, but most of it has a current usable manifestation. I am grateful for seeing it come together. I am grateful to see that I do have mad skills and I am enough. I have created a world that I am mostly okay with and I am finally beginning to enjoy. One day maybe I’ll have a more accurate version in comparison to my dream scape, but for now I will enjoy the version I do have. I will continue to help others as I am able, but I now have a sense of things having shifted. I no longer owe anything to anyone. I have done my duties and met all requirements imposed upon me. I am free to be me and enjoy my life in whatever way I choose. Now I get to figure out that means. What is fun for me and how do I want that to play out. Can my spread out sprawling Atira Jr become the compact concise community of my dreams over time. That would be really nice. For now I just get to focus on the fun parts. There are so many fun things I want to do that shouldn’t be too hard.

May you see your journey and all of it’s manifestations. May you understand your place in it all. May you know all the elements of your desires are within reach and that sometimes you just need to widen your gaze. May you see those you care for as being important, regardless of how the relationship manifests. May you know that you have done all you need to do, you are whole and complete and more than enough. You are worthy in God’s eyes. May you know that you have cleared your debts and met imposed expectations. May you understand deeper meanings and reasons for everything in your experience. May you feel your way to greater understanding. May you know your own worth, strength, and knowledge. May you see how your actions benefit this world and help it to continue to function. May you find joy mostly and enjoy the ride called life.

Siva Hir Su

“If you died tomorrow would you be satisfied?”

I stumbled into an episode of “The Good Doctor” while at work, where that was the sentiment brought up by a young man with a brain tumor.

Everyone that worked on a answer during what I saw of the the show, tried to reach for their answer using things that happened in their lives.

My answer, I’m not sure, and I’m not sure the answer lies in things or events.

I know I’m headed there.

I used to want to take myself out, death would have been welcome relief to the constant emotional misery I was in. After Ian was born I hit maximum density and it was find a solution or find death without satisfaction, worse yet possibly harm my family in the process.

I have worked diligently to improve my emotional state and these days I’m doing much better. Discovering that my emotional state has a biological component, my brain was literally hurting, has helped immensely. I still haven’t found stable consistency though, so I have a ways to go yet.

But is that my answer? Is my answer- no, because I haven’t mastered my emotions yet? I don’t think so, there is more to an overall feeling of satisfaction with life.

I think things and events do play a part, because they are representative of things that help us to feel happiness. So again, I’m on my way there, as I have more things and events to find that happiness in these days, but definitely look forward to more and better.

Yet there is a sliver of unsatisfied in me. Why?

Maybe it’s the yearning for improvement yet to come.

Yet, I think more about leaving behind my husband and kids. I see how hard that might be for them. Something that a depression ridden brain constantly told me was hogwash- they were better off without me, I was a monster. I still have those moments, but they are much fewer and further in between, and usually now I see the truth in my presence being needed.

I also now feel a responsibility to help others find the solutions that I’ve found for myself. Maybe that’s my fate, maybe that’s my purpose in life and if so, I’m not even close to being satisfied. I feel I need to master my process before I can help anyone else do so. Feeling that it’s such an important part of me does make me feel a responsibility to help others, and knowing I’ve not even started makes me feel unsatisfied for sure.

Then there’s my bucket list which hasn’t even been touched beyond listing the things I want to do before I die.

So no, all in all if I died tomorrow I would not feel satisfaction.

But now I question whether that is a bad thing or not. If you are not satisfied, then you have a drive to keep going, keep reaching, keep being. It is a reason to be alive. What if that is the glue that keeps us here. What if being completely satisfied is a universal signal for your own physical demise, what if feeling completely satisfied is the cue for your croaking experience. I’m not saying it is, in fact I’ve got no real clue. I’m just finding that I now have the question- if you’re completely satisfied, what keeps you going? What then becomes your reason for living?

I have no answers for you, only sharing my thoughts, that it may be your food for thought.

I hope really that everyone finds their satisfactory level of unsatisfied. That balance where you are generally in a good acceptable place in life, but eager for more, reaching for more. I think maybe that is the ideal human experience for keeping us living.

Meew… is for comfy.

That’s Missy, she’s comfy, very comfy.

This week has brought a lot of things. Mostly neutral to okay, but I’m doing my best to ignore the few negatives and focus positively.

The best part of this week was having a couple of days that I could sleep in and spend with children. It was very nice, even if it meant I couldn’t move much. A king sized bed is useless if 4 littles keep you trapped in a one foot section of it! Priss, Buddy, and Missy are great at strategically stationing themselves where Katherine isn’t, to ensure I won’t be moving. See:

I was able to spend time with little Ian playing with trains and Lego’s, we went to the park and dog park and took walks.

Zen puppy has gotten good at keeping his herd of people from wandering too far apart. It’s very adorable.

We were privileged to see Big Ian in his performance as part of a Coterie Theatres teen camp production of “Spamalot”, which was very funny, and amazingly well done, especially considering it was a handful of teens with only 2 weeks of learning and rehersing.

It also turned into a pseudo date waking around the Plaza area since we were dressed up for the occasion.

And baby is doing great still too. 3 months old, perfect health, growing great, and learning fast. She’s now able to walk at a normal pace for a toddler, as long as she’s got hands to hold and either naked or disposable diaper. When she figures out balance, we’re screwed, in the best possible way! … I didn’t help matters, in that respect, by finding a baby walker at the thrift store. Now she can even practice without help. Oh my.

And yes she has; she took a few steps in the store, and today she worked on figuring out it goes other directions than just forward.

She’s also started laughing, though it’s more of a giggle so far, and kitties are now fascinating to her.

All in all its been a good week and I’m mostly enjoying life again. More mantras definitely helped, but mostly I think it’s my concerted efforts to focus on positives and find quiet mind periodically.

May all of you have comfy pleasant weeks.