Tag Archives: contrast

Clarity with shorter refractory periods.

First, thank you Lord Siva, it seemes you keep saving my arse over and over again. The Diwali Temple Meditation time helped more than I knew in that awkward-outsider moment. I’m still not sure why I am called to experience the divine through this path, but I’m grateful that you still speak to me.

Nathan was right, despite all eyes being on me/us, in my heart, you welcomed us both fully in that moment. Thank you God and I’m sorry I felt so awkward.

“MC YOGI – SHIVA (Supreme Soul) – (Official Stream)” on YouTube is my uplifting moment of celebration for you today.

Listen here: https://youtu.be/FXD52U6g76M

Also thank you God:

My climb up from exhausted and allergy reaction has become much shorter. Between knowing the precise set of actions to take to unbury from the physical response, and taking moments of calming and centering meditation, my climb has gone from taking weeks (sometimes months) a few years ago, to mere hours now. For that knowing I’m utterly grateful.

I’m also really truly starting to understand the practical application of Abraham’s teachings on the emotionality of the law of attraction.

For instance yesterday I wrote:

After trying to apologise to one person and having that leave me feeling like a stupid naive fool living in a double standard, I’m feeling like words are not helping- hence all the emoji’s.

What I’ve been able to apply here is that I felt so damn crappy because I was so far off the mark of my inner truth.

  • I’m intelligent, smart, and give most everything plenty of forethought.
  • I’m far from naive, in fact I am usually the first to contemplate anything in my past or awareness, as a means to discern how a current situation (person, place, or thing) applies to my now. I.E.: Am I about to let myself get hurt again or be taken advantage of, or is this genuine and divinely guided, sometimes even a mix of the two?
  • I’m also very informed on a wide array of topics, many of which I never speak about in public due to their taboo nature. I don’t even write about them in any sort of public way. They are just an element of my awareness.
  • I’m anything but a fool. I may have moments where I allow events to unfold hoping that those around me will find their inner being and grow to do the right things, but I’m usually very aware of flaws, faults, and the potential worst case scenario. If I perceive that I’m likely to get hurt, I usually try to brace for impact or back out slowly and cautiously. That hasn’t always worked well, but at least I saw it coming (looking at you, September 2018).
  • What I perceived as a double standard is my own doing. I called someone out for actions that pushed my boundaries, and then got sloppy in considering theirs. That’s not a double standard, just a careless mistake, which I did apologise for. My embarrassment only caused me to fail to see that initially.

With all that being said, I’ve revisited my desires, my preferences. I’ve examined myself, and with the exception of desiring to be lighter by a few pounds of fat, I happen to like or love most everything about myself. That’s my inner being’s view. That helped me climb out.

I also took a few minutes to pretend, just like when I was a kid. I used Oracle cards, since I have plenty, they were easily accessible. I placed all my cards and then walked Nathan through the traits they represented to me. What my particular arrangement meant in that moment of my pretending. That was very helpful to refocus on my higher being’s desires and where I aim to head.

Through all of these moments I heard God. I heard the nudges of confirmation, the nudges of lighten up, and the push to go easier on myself. I also ended up stumbling through a series of messages that added up to an awareness that I need to step back and allow for others to work on themselves. As much work as I have done, things I have learned, and adjustments I have made; I have to acknowledge that if people really truly care about me, they will do their best to work through their own moments in an attempt to keep up with my alignment with the divine. Otherwise in time, those new people I find, which are on my level will replace the former people. My life will move on regardless, and I need to quit worrying about anyone else’s progress- anyone: family, friends, even love interests. I know I’m worth the journey and though I very much would like for certain people to stay in my experience, it is not mine to force. I can’t make them keep up, they have to want to, they have to want to find their own healing, only that will keep us in proximity.

For that awareness, I thank God. Yet, I ask God to remind me of that as gently as possible and as often as needed. I will likely forget and try to push those I am most attached to, and that will only cause resistance with all involved. I deserve better than that, so I’ll need the gentle reminders to keep from pushing too hard.

May you all have speedy healing and be able to pull up quickly. May you have understanding of the messages the divine is trying to send you. May your loved ones of any aspect stay in vibrational proximity on your journey together. May you relax and release resistance, to especially find understanding and love of self.

Siva Hir Su

Knights of Ni

This week has been fairly uneventful, at least in fun ways.

The highlight being a discussion with a client that started with Fight Club and ended with me singing “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life” from Life of Brian. It was a funny moment which proceeded to get that song stuck in my head, alternating with the clip of the knight from Holy Grail yelling “Get back here, I can still bite your knees off!”

I’m somewhat glad for that moment, because it’s kept me buoyant through dreary cold weather and a stressful moment.

This morning I got my regular walk in, but the bitter wind kept blasting my checks and ears. I kept reminding myself that I wasn’t that knight, and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Each lap around the park I would remind myself and convince myself to do one more lap, finally giving in at 50min of walking. I’ve had 6,000 to 10,000 steps every day this week and intend to keep it up as much as possible.

The stressful moment came in over dog care and related details. I’m due to go see my little brother get married in Iowa this weekend and the person that was going to watch doglet had to back out last minuet because of an ill family member. I spent 12 hours texting everyone I could think of, trying to come up with a replacement, finally receiving a yes response this morning. After lost sleep and cranky muscles from the cold walk, I’m ready for a chiropractic adjustment and a long night’s sleep.

I look forward to the wedding and especially the short family visit, but I’ve yet to pick a wedding gift and I’ve crammed most of 3 days work into 1 to accommodate an extra day off. I’m not sure what to get my brother and his new wife and it may end up being gift cards purchased in motion on the way to the wedding. Jenkies!

Otherwise, I’ve pretty much been doing my best to take care of myself in between working. I’ve been coloring, learning languages, working my muscles to stay limber, and exercising for its myriad benefits. I’ve even finished the graphic design projects, and put a few more minutes into my dream dome-home design. Last night I got the stairs drafted and placed properly. I’m so excited to get far enough to show basic structural layout.

I’m no architect, but I plan to have a vector image that’s meticulous enough that an architect could make adjustments easily. Nathan was excited. He said: “That’s huge, monolithic would probably be happy to see my work, and you know how many people call in with a vague idea and expect them to do all the work.” I replied the difference is I’ve had this floating in my brain for 13 years and had plenty of time to think about all my preferences and desires. Bonus, I’ve sketched it out a half dozen times to really solidify much of it.

Needless to say it’ll be a good day when my sketches are fully drafted. I look forward to that, maybe next week I’ll get a significant chunk done and can post progress.

May you all find your moments of fortitude and strength. May you all feel less stressed. May you all have good times with family. Finally, may you all have joy filled moments of progress.

Siva Hir Su

“I f-ing hate enlightenment.”

That was the phrase I said to Nathan this morning that made him double over in laughter asking me to write this post.

The reason I said it was because I checked my fasting sugar and it was again at 160. I commented it was probably the chocolates I ate last night because they were cheap ones. I said “I love chocolate, there I said it, I love chocolate, and aren’t we supposed to be loving things!”

Then immediately my brain replayed the last chakra section of the following clip from “The Last Airbender”.

Watch “How To Open Your 7 Chakras As Explained In a Children’s Show” on YouTube

I had played the clip for Ian last night to see if it would help him understand things. And I had followed the clip as a meditation in the process, so I knew exactly what was being conveyed.

It is good to love things, but not so intensely that we cannot let them go for fear of the loss.

And that is precisely what I’m doing with chocolate.

Chocolate is my last food pleasure. It is the only thing left in my ‘I really enjoy this food’ list. I am afraid to lose chocolate and never have any enjoyable food in my experience.

Knowing that, and accomplishing the letting go are two separate and distinct moments. Practice makes perfect, right?!

This one is going to be hard for me. Merh.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Spring and happy adulting.

So this week brought a few just plain stupid things at work: proof I work with 40+ year-old teenagers. Boxes appearing where they shouldn’t be, a red pot I put in storage a week ago getting left on a table outside my office, things getting moved, and a decoration being hidden until the day after I took all the rest of the St. Pat’s day stuff to storage. Not to mention being privy to an outside provider’s jacket being hidden from her and other just plain mean actions.

It makes me realize how much I prefer being kind and considerate towards others, even or especially when those others might be cognitively delayed or naive. It takes far less effort to be kind than any one of those pranks took. And kindness never hurts.

I did laugh today. One of the mean girls used a new phrase intended as an insult to the employee most recently fired. Granted that person had caused inconveniences by changing paperwork that should have been left untouched by company policy. However, my laughter was not about who the phrase was directed to, more the rediculosoty of the phrase itself and the way it was said. It was an over the top insult fitting of the personality of the person delivering it. My response was “that’s a new one” with a good laugh. Sometimes those moments are needed, laughter is good medicine, but I had a moment after the fact where I wished it hadn’t been at another person’s expense, and especially that I hadn’t contributed to fanning mean girl flames. There’s more than enough of that to go around to begin with. Perhaps the universe can deliver me some more healthy comedic moments.

Anyway, what the universe did deliver was sunshine and warm enough weather for a wonderful walk. I took pictures of new growth, green beautiful things, Katherine exploring, and Birch trees catching the setting sun. Then when we got home Katherine danced and sung along to a song that SoundHound thought I should listen to. It was a very good spring evening.

Beautiful things…

Like the song by Annie Lennox “A Thousand Beautiful Things”:

” Every day I write the list

Of reasons why I still believe they do exist

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

And even though it’s hard to see

The glass is full and not half empty

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

So light me up like the sun…”

I write my list today to remind myself of things I love. Things I miss when they’re gone. Things I want to see more of. Things I relish and enjoy every last bit of. Things that brighten my day and my life. AND I apologize to everyone for having gone negative for a while again. Suffice it to say no-one enjoys being negative and in the hole, and let my negative posts be validation of my efforts to heal myself, as when you’re down you always want to get up again. This is my effort to do so. This is my effort to start to turn things around regardless of my physical experience. I’m doing as Abraham says “Shift away from the what-is-ness and toward the what can be.” Shifting yet again and taking to heart “you’re always in the right place at the right time, but sometimes you’re looking at it in the wrong way”.

First on my list of loves is every single thing in that song.

Then:

I love hugs and cuddles from those I love, and giving them as well.

I love my children and my kitties, especially because they unconditionally love me.

I love playing with my kids.

I love art: drawing, coloring, painting, all kinds of making art, and most kinds for looking at.

I love music: listening or playing, and most genres, especially all 64GB I have.

I love massages, mostly receiving because it’s so darn helpful and feels good, but giving helps people so I like that too.

I love getting things that help me feel better: exercise, sun, healthy foods, sleep, and fun activities.

I love comfy quiet spaces.

I love starting my day with a hot shower, they are so refreshing and relaxing and help me start my day in the best frame of mind.

I love waking up refreshed and on time to start my day easily and smoothly.

I love things to do, being balanced with time to just be.

I like nice cars in tip top shape, well oiled machines so to speak, including good tires & brakes, and would love a new electric vehicle.

I love it when people communicate effectively, and when they talk to each other consistently.

I love when people talk to me about their interests and desires, and things they like and enjoy.

(conditional ones… oopsie)

I love feeling really supported and cared for. (that’s more unconditional, maybe Abraham can help me find some more words here…)

I love feeling love for others and receiving love.

I love feeling appreciated.

I love feeling happy and having fun.

I love feeling content.

I love feeling comfortable in my body (though it could be way more often).

I love peace and peacefulness.

I love being inspired and feeling accomplishment when my inspired actions pan out positively (I’d love to do that much more often also).

I love the feeling of wholeness and completeness.

I love feeling abundance and prosperity.

I love knowing that the universe supports me and is working on a solution to pay for all of my needs (including the birth costs).

I love knowing that the universe can flow money to me many, many more ways than I can even begin to think of, and love knowing all I need is alignment to allow it.

I love feeling relaxed and centered.

I love the feeling of balance in all respects.

I love the feeling of freedom.

I enjoy feeling welcomed.

I enjoy the feeling of belonging.

I love that my children are loving and doing their best to find their way in this world. I look forward to mastering my guidance system to show them how to do the same. Because I also know actions do teach better than words.

I love the feeling of friendship.

I love the feelings of having good conversations and really connecting with someone.

I love the feeling of stability and homecoming that a close knit family home brings.

I love feeling calm and centered and knowing that things are progressing smoothly and easily in perfect timing (that could totally happen a lot more).

I love knowing that others around me function well in chaos, because it makes up for what I’m unable to handle.

I love knowing that I can distract myself from that same chaos by retreating into my mind or simply watching funny videos, or even walk through it and recenter alone.

I love knowing that others around me are also doing their best. That they have the best intentions when they offer things to me or make suggestions, and that they really are doing their best to support me.

I love knowing that “IT” never gets done, so if someone promises me something and forgets or is unable to fulfill their promise, another way will show itself.

I love knowing that God ‘has my back’ and will make up for those dropped moments/promises. I just have to allow it.

I love the feeling of well-being, of naturalness and of normalcy. I love knowing that those feelings are a good symptoms of my body and brain functioning in tip top shape, perfect alignment. I look forward to feeling like that everyday.

I love feeling prepared for whatever is in progress.

I love being excited for good things coming.

I love being on time, even early, for everything, and I love the feeling of knowing I always have plenty of time (no rush).

I enjoy feeling that I’m in the right place at the right time.

I love feeling safe and knowing that my family is safe. I love knowing that my family strives to be in alignment so they can do lots of fun things safely.

I love being able to say yes, go for it, it’s OK.

I love feeling passion, and being passionate, about people, places, and activities.

I love knowing that I’m a vibrational being.

I love the feeling of alignment with that inner being.

I love knowing that my inner me/vibrational-being loves everything. (I’m always in the right place, but sometimes looking at it from the wrong physical viewpoint.)

I love knowing the universe will give me wonderful things when I find alignment with that inner me.

I especially love that I’m starting to get better at catching myself. I’m starting to recognize those misalignments faster and thus start correcting faster. I realize that I am still letting some of those moments snowball too much and build much negative momentum, but acknowledging that, every single time it happens, helps me inch towards catching it sooner with less momentum to correct for. I look forward to when I catch all of my negative misalignments in their infancy before they have any significant momentum at all. I love knowing I will eventually get there, and it just takes practice (maybe a lot, but that’s OK too).

And with that I leave you all with blessings of fast alignment recovery in any contrast situation.

Bad mom award…

Despite having a good dose of my thyroid meds, I’m still struggling. A friend pointed out yesterday that my verbal-vomit was hurtful, especially to my son. I removed myself and went home to cry alone, sending the following messages.

Obviously my shit is no better than it ever has been, so why does god bother to show me messages? I don’t know.

I don’t know why, but I’m definitely feeling that analogy from what seems so long ago. Of being trapped on the 13th floor of a burning building, with no rescue in sight. Where leaping to death (suicide) is a sure but finite end, but remaining where I am could lead to slowly painfully burning to death (never really healing my brain). I told Nathan I’m not a celebrity with unending supply of money and unlimited resources, so if they keep losing their wars, what chance do I have.

I know the news of late isn’t helping. I know I’ve had hormone swings still from post birth. I know my puzzle is non-existant: rare exercise, no sun after waking, very irregular sleep schedule, positive social interactions disappeared weeks ago, meditation is sparatic at best, and I was already feeling like a crappy parent (ruminating on my failures) before getting told I was, then pile on overwhelmed from the demands of breastfeeding a baby while trying to go back to work. The only thing I’ve maintained is my diet & fish oil, and that’s miserable little help, especially since labs indicated I’m still reacting to something.

I’m at a loss and feeling it daily. I’ve even found myself repeating it’s a good thing the boy dropped me, no one would want me and my shit. No one can help me, so why bother being around me.

Nathan says he sees my good, my love, and the depression times, though hard, are worth sticking through. Hannah seconded that last night and this morning. Right now I’m having trouble seeing and believing it.

All I know is they wanted me to post how well the baby is doing, saying its amazing. They say it’s proof I’m not a horrible parent.

I think it just means I cared enough to do my best while pregnant.

I learned in my CEU class in May that research shows massages during pregnancy help with motor skill development. So baby is doing so well because my constant working necessitated regular trades with my massage therapist. Sometimes the things I do right are accidental.

So here’s what they wanted to show, with keeping in mind that these are from a not quite 2 month old (born 4/23, & these photos/videos have been taken over the last 2 weeks):

Sitting alone for long periods:

She finally fell over after about 3 minutes of sitting:

Standing & figuring out leg movements:

Progress in crawling:

I’m glad that baby is doing well. If only I could figure out how to get myself back on track with the demands of life right now.

“Nobody said it was easy…

No one ever said it would be this hard.” – Coldplay

That’s us.

I’m still waiting to find out if the birth is going to be covered by the insurance I was required to take (per government regulations in December). Insurance that cost me nearly a thousand dollars and my employer over three thousand. By that means alone I think they should have to, being the premium charges are greater than medical services provided to me during eligibility. My birth costs if rejected will be $3200 (that’s about 3 grand less than a hospital birth with no complications), and to-date the insurance has covered $35 of chiropractic and about $200 in labs. I’m still crossing my fingers they cover at least the thousand dollars worth of premiums taken out of my paycheck.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to stay positive, and not having complete success.

I wish life were like college, or school in general. I did great in academics, school was easy. Follow the rules, do your work, and poof you’re done. I Graduated in 4 years with honors, and 2 semesters of double load. I am that person that set/busted test curves and slept through classes to still get A’s.

Life is not that.

What do I mean? It’s a jumbled confusing mess of “wants to’s” vs “have to’s” vs societal dictations vs expectations of/by myself and others.

My baby wants me, just me. Nathan is OK at times, Hannah gets by for a while too, but ultimately, she just wants mommy. All day, and all night, every day.

The problem is, Ian has gotten jealous of her getting all the attention and has started making the same demands, acting out to a very obnoxious and frustrating level.

It’s impossible for me to do the same thing for both children, I must share my time.

Beyond that I’ve been contemplatinging myself, my needs and desires.

Even if I had the luxury of being able to stay home indefinitely, be it working at home or simply retiring due to money plenty, I couldn’t solely devote all of my time to two children. It would drive me insane, my brain requires variety, and lack of variety literally stifles me.

Thus, this month has held the most challenges in just attempting to appease my brain. Too many days inside watching and feeding children has left me stir crazy, but then going out leaves me shaking my head in confusion. I don’t want to spend any more money than necessary to keep savings in case the birth doesn’t get covered, but I still want to have fun. Then I find myself not knowing what fun looks likes anymore. Everything seems like too much work to accommodate two littles and my special diet, & some things just seem plain impossible. I find myself saying I’m not sure what to do, because the old me and the new me (with 2 babies) are 2 different people.

I’ve been attempting to stick to Abraham processes, and my success is still minimal. I work myself up to just fall again. Figuratively and literally.

Figuratively: I have moments where I feel like a naive fool, a wishful idiot, having let myself get hurt. Then I beat myself up for letting it continue to dog me, but have to acknowledge all of the external reminders that contribute to remembering.

I have other moments where I’m overwhelmed with all of the things I’ve yet to finish from before birth, knowing its simply more difficult to get them done when the baby wants to cling to me. I have to stop and acknowledge that I have managed to still accomplish some of them, just not all.

Then I have moments where I panic because it’s time to return to work, and on one hand I want to-finances and variety are needed; but not wanting to on the other-because a large part of me has really been enjoying cuddling with baby and playing with Ian so much.

Those figurative moments have started manifesting literally physically. I’ve fallen 3 times in a little over a week, and I never fall. Previously, my only fall in the last five years was during an attempt at ice skating.

Yet, I’ve fallen tripping over baby’s bouncy seat, luckily I fell sideways and baby didn’t even stir. Then I missed the last 2 steps going downstairs, and fell hard. Baby did notice that one, but was okay more startled and scared than hurt. Hell, that one scared me. I’m still feeling the hurt with several bruises, but it scares me fiercely that I could have really hurt baby. My third fall was on our outdoor swing. It’s one of those bench style with cushions, and I have no idea how, but I hit the ground going to sit on it and knocked the swing off it’s hooks. That after having fallen on the stairs, so baby cried, but again was just startled, as she was snug and safe in the moby.

However, at this point I don’t trust myself, pretty much at all. I’m now to the point that if I have to do something that might cause a fall I either go very slow with baby in a snug sling or I pass baby to someone else. I’ve even stayed upstairs and talked from a distance and tossed things down to avoid going up and down stairs too often. This week has scared me immensely.

So, time to focus, ground, and find some balance.

I want to make my kids happy while still meeting my needs and desires, and meeting necessities of life in a big family. I want enough rest, exercise, and enough variety to keep my brain happy. I want to feel like a productive member of society and be helpful to other humans in need. I want to enjoy my daily activities. I want to feel loved and supported. I want to see my manifestations take shape in wonderful ways. And I acknowledge that the universe knows the solutions for all of these requests and more, so ultimately I want to be in the best receiving mode I can be. I want to allow the divine to assist me with these and all of my requests. My asking is already done.

Relax. Breathe. Believe & Know. Allow. (That’s the hard part!)