Tag Archives: covid

My view of Covid

I have been told by Nathan to write about the symptom view of Covid because he swears I have given him a better understanding of how to fight it off and get better. This is that post, and it might end up being long, so I apologize for that.

Covid has all of the physiological symptoms that the news has discussed. However, there is one major symptom that no one has addressed, yet I have watched it in my clients, my friends, my family and myself. It is the main factor that makes me believe it is a chronic infection like my Epstein-Barr battle, essentially becoming a low grade background issue until it wins enough to flare again. It is also the main reason I distrust the system to produce any real results, because if this is happening to those I am connected to, and myself, it is also happening to all medical professionals that caught it early on. It makes it hard to survive let alone fix the problem in a permanent way.

What the hell am I talking about?

Covid has a mental health effect, which seems energetic until it is already winning.

That darkness that I have referenced lately is a part of the disease. It is why I have gotten so focused on prayer and all the positives I know exist. It is also why even though I need to let out the negatives to be able to move past them, I am wary of going into detail knowing my brain is playing tricks on me. I want to be wrong about anything negative, I honestly hope every negative ‘premonition’ I’ve had is false.

Keep in mind any disease wants to live as much as you do. It doesn’t really want to kill you because it knows if the host dies it also does. However, if you get too well, it will also die. It wants you somewhere in the middle: alive but miserable. That is where it flourishes.

So to that end Covid copies your inner thoughts and dialogue enough to confuse you and cause you to distrust your own thoughts and intuition. It causes fear. It leads you to do whatever contributes to enabling disease. It makes you tired and makes you want to sleep as much as possible. It makes you want to eat unhealthy foods. It makes you want to not exercise. It makes you think you are too weak to do otherwise. It makes you want to do all the wrong things and convinces you that the good and fun things are too much effort. It maximizes every weakness that you have and uses them against you. It scares you, angers you, frustrates you and leaves you feeling like anything good or enjoyable isn’t worth the effort.

My mom was raised military, and fortunately raised me to have the awareness that sometimes you just have to. Sometimes, if you know it’s the right thing to do, you just have to make yourself do it. That sentiment has literally saved me battling this disease.

I’m going to give multiple examples from my viewpoint as well as Nathan’s and a few of my clients. (Sorry for the lengthiness.) I’ll mark the beginning of each with an asterisk to denote one example from another, in case the description takes multiple paragraphs.

*I was in the middle of a massage last week, trucking along great and feeling good. Suddenly I felt weak and tired, seemingly out of nowhere. I started repeating “I’m stronger than this, I have plenty of energy” after a few minutes of that the weakness subsided and I was back to full functioning.

* I knew I needed to get back into my exercise routine and forced myself to go. All the while my brain was trying to tell me I didn’t have time, I should be at home catching up chores, or making dinner. Then once I got to the gym, it was like the weakness returned. I felt like my body weighed tons and it was so much effort to just move. Again I kept repeating “I am stronger than this, I have more energy than this, this is not mine, I have endurance and I am healthy.” Eventually I felt the effects of the exercise kick in and the negatives stopped, my strength and endurance returned almost immediately at that point.

*When I had the negatives come up about someone I care for and suspecting suicide, I acknowledged it could be the same thing. That maybe it was creating a scenario to confuse me and cause fear. It was just close enough to my inner dialogue, and of dialogue when I do get genuine psychic messages, that I wasn’t sure. I literally began sending prayers of healing and it began to loose impact. Then I started repeating “Bring the light to the source of the darkness. Heal the darkness.” While visualizing a candle banishing a dark cloud like a scene from the show ‘Supernatural’. That combination enabled me to clear the other side and find my stability again.

*I had a moment where I knew I needed to do things to support the household but I just wanted to lay around. I had to convince myself to do the things that needed done and in gaps between things I chose to cuddle with my kids watching their shows, instead of sleeping the day away. I made myself find the compromise and keep moving and doing and it worked.

*I have had moments where I get super tired out of nowhere, or I’m tired when I first wake up. Those moments it simply doesn’t make sense at all and I know something is off. Every time that I recognize it, I’m able to talk myself back to feeling energized and we’ll rested.

If I don’t recognize those moments they snowball very fast and lead to crash moments where my emotions get the better of me. If I crash emotionally then almost every time I also begin to feel unwell. Fortunately once the sensations of being unwell kick in I know I missed an early battle and I fight twice as hard in every way (thoughts, foods, supplements, activities) to pull out of it.

* I have had massive cravings for things that were my last items to be eliminated due to addiction or denial. I crave chocolate and sweets and breads and all the carbs. I know that I am healthier without them, and feel much better without them. When I loose the battle and consume something like that, I notice in a big way that the negative loop gets even stronger and even harder to fight. Yet when I manage to talk myself out of them I feel great. When I go several days without them I feel so much clearer and more focused and like I am able to stay in front of the symptoms better.

*Long periods of rain have been a trigger for these thoughts and a general feeling of unwell. This year has been particularly rainy for the Kansas City area, having had well over 20 inches of rainfall. I noticed every time it rained for more than 3 days I would be fighting harder and longer to kick the negatives and mildly sick feelings. Initially I thought it was my mold allergy, and chalked it up as such for quite a while. Yet the last time we had such a rainy streak the mold count had dropped due to prior heat and I was still facing symptoms. I now sincerely feel like it is the negative loop of Covid preying on my dislike of prolonged rainy weather, especially since it doesn’t happen when it is short lived rain. I have no dislike for intermittent rain storms because I know they help plants grow. Short periods of rain are not a weakness for me.

* I have had many moments where in a gap of available time, I was faced with the reality that I needed to do one of several things and indecision hit me. In those moments I would acknowledge that the indecision was going to mean I didn’t accomplish any of them. Once I realized that, I would pick the easiest thing to do, and especially if it would accomplish a moment of self-care for me. Once I started the activity of choice I would begin to feel relief in more ways than just what that activity accomplished normally.

* I explained this a week or two ago, but when Nathan was sick and sleeping every day away, I hit a moment with him where I kinda verbally kicked him in the ass. I told him that if he didn’t start making himself do things and eat that he would just waste away and die. My conversation with him was the nudge he needed and he began to slowly improve. He made himself do what I said and it worked.

* Nathan has admitted that photography, his love and joy that started in highschool, has been a challenge because his brain has been trying to convince him it isn’t worth the time and effort. He can expound on that himself, but I’ve noticed it isn’t just the photography, is all the things he once enjoyed.

* Nathan has talked about his walks and how on one hand he knows it will help and that he has regained enough strength to do so, but on the other hand he feels weak and powerless. He says he has to talk himself through every step, and push himself just a bit more each time. Yet they are beginning to enable him to get back to normal and they are even helping his blood pressure normalize.

*My one client that has really bad long-haulers because he had Covid before and after being vaccinated, has told me similar things about wanting to sleep all the time and having to talk himself into getting up and doing things. He has also commented that everything seems futile and like he doesn’t know why he is here still. He had a minor work injury recently and commented that his brain tried to turn it into something much worse, he literally had to convince himself to take care of the bruises and get care for himself. It was a challenge to just function and process the incident. He has also commented on a lack of desire to even go to work, but knows he has to, so he talks himself into that daily as well.

*Another client that has had Covid is nearing retirement and she has to convince herself daily to keep doing her job and stay on the plan she laid out for herself several years ago. She fights a desire to just sell her house early and run away to some distant place to retire and lay around doing nothing. She says that isn’t her, even once she retires she had a huge plan to travel and see places she’s never been. She still wants that, but every day seems to be more and more challenging to stay on track. She’s constant having to work at making it okay.

So because of all of those examples, which really is the top of a huge iceberg of things I’ve noted and discussed with people, I have come to my understanding which makes the law of attraction push and Abraham’s constant nudging make sense.

I generally feel like every time I have a moment of my own weakness or my own dislike of something, Covid uses it as launching ground to regain a foothold on my mental health. If I don’t compensate quick enough and do something right and good and/or enjoyable then Covid tries to regain strength and reflare. That being said I have only had one instance of true full reflare with the Delta variant that didn’t show on testing, and it only managed to give me that 2 week sinus infection. I feel like I have mostly managed to keep it at bay and keep control of it, but my goal is to eliminate it all together. I am perfectly okay with pulling up high enough that it dies. To that end I simply know I must think my way out of every weakness I carry. I must logic myself out of fear, anger, frustration and every other negative that impacts me as frequently as possible. I must connect to my inner being and feel the difference between my inner knowing and that darkness of untruth as much as possible. That is how I stay ahead of it and it is how I feel better and find healing. It was the path before COVID-19, but now it is imperative to stick to it every moment of every day, because it is the battle ground where Covid easily overtakes your mind and creates more dis-ease and disease.

Abraham and others have been harping on that concept for years now, and it all makes sense now. The other side saw this coming and tried to warn us and give us the tools. If you know the tools then you better be using them, it’s your chance at survival and your chance to thrive. If you don’t know the tools, then you better learn them quick. Anyone that doesn’t keep up will eventually perish, this is a wicked disease that will eat you from the inside out because of your weaknesses and negative patterns. You must heal yourself, medicine cannot do it for you when this mental space is the driving force.

May you know your weaknesses and overcome them. May you understand the patterns of disease. May you see exactly how to heal yourself for certain. May you have evidence that you are on the right track and winning the war. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

“Let the walls crack, it let’s the light in” ~PINK

It’s real. The best reaction that western medicine has is a mask. Their precious vaccine has failed, and that is on top of the risks taken by those that took it. Too bad Europe was the only one with enough sense to discontinue use of them. See screen shots… Here in KC the two most populous counties have 90% and 93% vaccination rate, and we still are in the high transmission rate for the delta variant. And from my daily experience it is definitely passing rapidly, but many aren’t registering on testing.

I’m over wearing the mask because every response that medicine has had is just that- a response. By the time I was reading the news article notifying me the CDC had recommended going back to masking, I had likely already had the dammed Delta variant and here’s the kicker it didn’t show on Covid testing (for several clients too).

Two posts ago I had noted I wasn’t going to write on topics for fear of attracting worse, and here’s why.

I had caught a “sinus infection” from the one chiropractor. He had gotten tested for covid and it came back negative, his doc suggested it was a run of the mill sinus infection, especially since it was allergy season. I fared the same as him, except that where allergy-induced sinus-infections usually run less than a week for me, this one ran almost two. I wasn’t stupid and started masking immediately. Nathan was the only person to catch it from me and he ended up with Covid light, probably because he’s already in kidney failure, but it still didn’t show on Covid testing. He was tested on 2 of 3 ER trips and tested again in the Walgreens drive thru. None of them showed Covid. He had the high fever, the sinus infection, tightness in his chest, and occasional cough. It caused him to completely loose his appetite and he spent two solid weeks in bed sleeping every day away. I genuinely thought he was dieing on me. That combined with dialysis dropped his blood pressure out the bottom and he had seizures and panic attacks from low blood pressures and starvation. It was those episodes which led to 3 ER trips, one of which excised an abscess that resulted when the acupuncturist gave him herbs to kick the virus. The herb is Yin Chao and it literally pushes external influences out of the body, that pushing out process is what triggered the abscess.

It was 3 weeks of hell, which I handled amazingly well considering I was doing everything, while still doing my best to maintain my work schedule. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, caring for kids, making meals, and of course navigating the multiple trips to the ER as best as I was able.

Nathan is starting to pull back up because I kicked him in the ass verbally and made him reach for what he was doing before dialysis. I explained he was doing well enough that they almost didn’t catch the kidney failure. I told him he needed to connect with his inner self and reach for what his body needed and wanted and definitely get back to what he was doing before. I reinforced that most of his problems were acidity from starvation because he wasn’t eating. Then I kept shoving electrolyte laden waters and high quality vegan nutrition drinks at him. The combination helped him climb up and now he is trying to figure out stasis. He’s not clear yet, but much closer than any of the ER docs or dialysis docs were getting him to. If I had left it up to them he’d still be starving and just being monitored. They weren’t even very proactive on adjusting his dialysis treatments to keep his BP from dropping out the bottom. And that’s nothing to mention several stupid things we learned along the way, including the fact that the hospital was short small needles because they had all been sidlined for vaccines.

I’m over it. I did everything inside and outside the home this month, while watching my husband waste away, while doctors just watched. My kids all freaked, and both Ian and Anya asked me if Dad was dieing. I’m sure Katherine would have if she had had the vocabulary to do so.

Here’s the deal.

We all could die at any minuet. If it’s not Covid, it’s cancer, or car accident, or work accident, or any one of dozens of other viral or bacterial infections.

Yet we are alive and functional. We are all living life as best as we can, and nothing that has been done the last year and a half was a true solution. Nothing actually fixed Covid for real.

Viruses will mutate because they want to live too. If you introduce something that limits their chance of survival, they will mutate around it, every time.

If all that we as society can manage, is a response, then isn’t it high time our responses become treatments that help people kick and heal from viral infections?

That is the light through the crack in the wall.

Let go of the fear and live.

I will wear masks as needed, but I am over being afraid. I’m not afraid of this or any other disease anymore. I’m no longer afraid of Nathan dieing because I just spent a month living with a walking dead man and doing everything our household needed. I’m just not living in fear anymore.

On the same token, I deserve better than this shit. I am refusing to succumb to the fear and darkness because I deserve better. My life can only improve if I scream “F- You!” at fear and live in expectation of everything getting better.

So that is where I am aimed.

For now I’m needing to cook dinner and then get kids to bed.

May you find a way around fear. May you know you are a survivor and know how to hear your inner self to know exactly what you need. May we all see better days ahead. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

4:47

That was the time I woke this morning.

I’m still awake. Someone’s in my head, at least it feels that way.

I woke originally with thoughts of futility about people in my life. I keep getting those stupid message notifications for videos and music. All of them implying I should be apologizing for leaving people hanging. Yet, I’m the one that begged for them not to do that to me. I’m the one getting left hanging. I’m the one that begged for honesty, caring and compassion (& love) from them. I’m the one that helped them as much as I could until their old habits and lies took care of the problem. I did what I could, and results for everyone in my life were because of things I couldn’t control, mostly on their end of the equation.

Yet, it wasn’t just the futility of those people. Now I’m stuck on the futility of western medicine, and life.

My health journey has hit a point of needing the low income clinic again. The ass P.A. I went to wasted my money, so to even get my thyroid meds refilled I need to go back to KC Care. My appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

But I don’t even give a shit anymore. They’ll be able to refill my script, but not much else, even if they wanted to.

Doctors that could do more, don’t.

Everything hangs on vaccines that have 1% to 3% risk rates. That’s everything from “I had a bad allergic reaction”, to people like the lady I knew that dropped to the floor getting vaccines for a vacation and is now a quadrapalegic and never got her vacation, to people that die from them. But they’re our savior- NOT!

Nevermind that we have a new virus that millions have already caught. Those millions are either experiencing repeat infections, or like Epstein-Barr VirusĀ  it just hangs out waiting for an opportunity to flare and reinfect. I’m betting it is the latter. In which case the vaccine will save no one at all.

And we still have NO solution for any viral disease after you’ve caught it. None, nada, zip, zilch. Several hang out in your body for years, doing varying degrees of damage and destruction. But nothing is acceptable to doctors/allopathic-medicine as a reliable way to eradicate chronic viral infections.

The best option is oxygenation therapy. Essentially a peroxide solution in IV-therapy bags. Less than $20 in true costs (plastic, peroxide, distilled water), but IF you can find a doctor that will actually do it, you’ll pay $2000-$3000. And there’s no guarantee it will kill everything in one go. It usually does, but it really depends on your body mass, how much damage you have, and how deeply hidden virus particles might be. So there are some people that need two or three rounds before they are free and clear and able to heal properly.

And me personally. I’ve spent 7 years learning how you squelch depression and manage my thyroid, to have this year’s viral battles, both with Covid and EBV, make it a nearly impossible ongoing issue.

At this point my body hurts frequently. The last few months my liver and pancreas seem to have periods of struggle where I feel them swollen and inflamed and sometimes it outright hurts. I’m in the midst of one such period now. My upper abdomen is painful to touch and aches just sitting still. My sugars won’t come back down unless I fast, and I spend more of my days not eating than consuming anything. When I do eat, 75% of the time it’s seaweed and celery with a smear of peanut butter. The other 25% of the time is meals Nathan fixes for dinner, and 90% of those are AIP friendly.

I’m doing everything in my power correctly and it’s no use. It’s not fixing things like it used to.

I blame Covid, but have no proof I even had it, because testing wasn’t available when I was originally sick, and by the time the antibody test was available it was past the 3-week window of accuracy. So at this point, I could retest when I have one of my anomalous moments like the dizziness or abdominal pain, but I would be risking spending resources to maybe get inaccurate results, since testing still seems to be quite questionable, regardless of which one you’re taking about. It seems that for accurate results it’s down to a two out of 3 type situation, having known several people need to do just that to figure out if they were really sick or not. The ‘I’m actually sick’ test is finally now available at certain locations for free, but the antibody test will still run $150 per test.

Why bother?

It’s not something I care to waste money on knowing there’s no real solution anyways. Even if I did show positive for Covid or the Covid antibodies, there’s still no solution I can even attempt to afford. Even if I had several thousand dollars to try the oxygenation therapy, there’s only 3 docs in the KC metro that offer it. Who knows how long it’d take to get in. Even if I did, it’s not a guarantee it’d reset me to normal and healing.

It’s definitely feeling like futility and “why bother”.

Too bad Dr. Oz or Dr. Fauchi can’t actually create change on this matter. Our medical system will never change. There are too many greedy-old-white-men controlling that system to create any real change anytime soon. They would all have to catch a chronic disease that started to eat their bodies, for anyone to care about medicine being truly for healing and not making money. Unless they all face what me and others are going through, they just won’t care.

Futility.

May you have a, full night’s sleep, a better day and less feelings of futility. May you know that somehow God will make this right.

Siva Hir Su and Om Shanti

PSA

Just because everyone is riled up about Covid does not mean other diseases disappeared.

I just had a really frustrating conversation with my current doctor’s front desk.

I have had a wicked sore throat for a little over 3 days. The point at which eating dinner made it difficult to do anything else, I reached out to the doc after hours by phone.

I explained it is my throat and ears. They hurt really really bad, and the mucous is massive, thick and some color. I have absolutely no other symptoms. No headache except when I try to swallow something- it is definitely reactionary pain in my head. No fever, not even close. No difficulty breathing, and keep in mind I am technically an asthmatic. No chills, no sweats, no body aches.

My symptoms are literally a super painful six inch swath of my body.

Having actually had strep in college, I am painfully aware of the similarities I am experiencing right now. I informed doc of this over the phone and reiterated it has been going for 3 days, and there has been no progression or worsening, but it’s not getting better and I’m having difficulty staying hydrated.

He said ok, I will send in a script for a Z-pack antibiotic and you’ll need to come by the office for a strep swab tomorrow.

Ok, I’m down, seems easy enough.

Then I call the front desk this morning to figure out when I need to do that, and the front desk girl wants to go- it might be covid and we don’t test for that here. I tried to run through all the reasons it might not be covid and strep needs to be treated properly, but she’s so afraid she couldn’t hear me.

There is a serious problem here.

Strep is a bacterial infection that can run for weeks if untreated. It can also do horrible irreparable damage to surrounding tissues and organs, not to mention the very real risk of dehydration and related problems.

Just because you’re afraid of covid, doesn’t mean other diseases disappeared, and if you fail to treat the real disease because it might be covid then you are letting people suffer needlessly.

This isn’t the first such instance I have come across. I have heard of other people that got covid positive tests at first symptoms, but when they failed to get better, doctors finally did further appropriate testing to find out it wasn’t covid to begin with. I have heard of strep, and rhinitis, and others. Leading some to believe that many of the covid tests are coming back positive when it might not have been Covid at all.

The latest is I have a friend (more acquaintance we used to hang out with occasionally). She’s in the hospital for MRSA also known as medicine resistant staphylococcus areolas. The infection progressed so much because of Covid nonsense that since she is now properly diagnosed, they have her on antibiotic drip and doctors are saying she’ll be in the hospital for a couple of weeks maybe longer. MRSA too can kill people and is extremely difficult to overcome when properly diagnose immediately, let alone sidelined because of Covid.

There is something seriously wrong with our medical system right now, and frankly I’m a little pissed that I just got the shuffle because of irrational fear. I haven’t enjoyed the last 3 days, and if they make this drag out forever because they are afraid I might have Covid I’m seriously gonna hurt someone.

See I already know I had a mystery virus before we had testing for Covid. I know that mystery virus fit the precise bill of what covid was. At 3 days I started to feel better and a little over a week I was back to normal. My son fared worse with mystery virus but still lived and got back to normal. Since then I’ve been exposed to at least 3 people with that tested positive shortly after I was around them. I never got sick from them.

And my current problem fits the strep throat bill. Fucking do your job. I shouldn’t have to do it for you. What the fuck am I paying you for.

But that is just me being pissed off I guess. No, no it’s not. Everyone should be pissed off over that. It’s your job to treat the real problem, not slap a questionable test on it because they’re similar and then accept the questionable test results as word of God, even knowing there are many tests both on the false positive and false negative.

I am so over western medicine half assing everything and scaring everyone needlessly. I’m beginning to wonder how many covid deaths were really something else entirely and they were treating the wrong problem. See that’s the biggest issue, when you fuck up so much that people no longer trust you to do the right thing, then you’ve already lost.

As it is, I have my Z-pack and a few days off, whether they do their job right or not. If the Z-pack works and I get back to normal, I’ll just cancel my subscription doctor and find someone else, not that I have much faith in any of them right now. If it doesn’t and they don’t do a strep swab, then I have no clue.

I’m fairly certain that if I did a Covid test it would come back positive whether I have it currently or not.

there are two concerns:

1) Being the frequent false positives of people that have chosen to take the test. Equally as many false negatives make me distrust the test at all.

2) Being that because I am certain I’ve had it, there could still be enough in my system to trigger the positive anyway. New diseases are notorious for your body hitting a stasis where you are no longer sick, but weak virus particles continue to float in your system. Some diseases like Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) have been known to cause thyroid concerns like mine and can hide in your system for years, but no one wants to acknowledge that. We simply have no idea if Covid could be doing that, so some of the false positives might be just that simple, and those people are now sick with something else and not being treated properly.

Here’s the deal, you don’t want to over use antibiotic drugs because that and over use of sanitizer are responsible for MRSA. But covid is viral. So you don’t really do anything for a virus, unless symptoms are severe enough to risk life.

If someone actually is sick because of a bacterial infection it is more hazardous to leave that untreated. We should test for bacterial infections first, then if symptoms might remotely be Covid test for that second. That way if it is bacterial you can solve it and get someone well, but if it isn’t bacterial then you can know for certain what the patient might expect, and in the case of Covid be ready if they are the unlucky few that needs hospitalized.

This nonsense of putting off a strep test because strep symptoms overlap with Covid is horribly wrong and hazardous to everyone’s health. Especially considering that for people that have had strep multiple times, they might need more antibiotics to fight it off. If my one Z-pack doesn’t solve it, and they still refuse to test for strep, they are literally risking creating a super bug. That is bad for everyone.

I’m not opposed to taking the covid test if the strep test returns as negative, but I’ll be damned to assume it’s covid over strep when I know my medical history and experiences.

May you have the intelligent doctors that do their job fully and completely. May you know that you are on the right track. May we all come to our senses and put things back in proper perspective. May you know that you are loved and supported. May you know your body has the ability to heal anything. May you have easy days and be healthy mostly. May you know that God is watching out for you.

Siva Hir Su

Catch 22

Having a moment of indecisive.

Between my inner knowing and an Abraham quote from earlier today, I’m feeling like I need to quit filling in at the independent living center I used to work full-time for.

Yet, I love many of the residents and know I will miss them dearly.

I simply can not keep subjecting myself to so many people living in fear. It is heart breaking watching them deteriorate at light speed because the lack of social interaction is literally causing brain atrophy. I’ve had several residents go from mild forgetfulness to full dementia in the 2 months that Covid lockdowns have been in play. They don’t see their extremely fast decline, all the see is they might get sick. They only know the fear and the “blah blah blah” that they’ve been fed over and over again. They don’t see their inability to walk any distance when 3 months ago they went on shopping excursions with no problem. They don’t see how fast they’ve lost their eyesight, their hearing, their general mobility, because they are doing nothing needing those qualities. They have no reason for their body to live, to do anything, so they’re dieing each and every day they continue to be locked up.

Yet when you ask if they are willing to live like this for the rest of their lives, no matter how many years that is, they respond with “well no”. Yet they believe that if they stay sequestered they will magically never get sick. One resident doesn’t want to live even another year or two, but it’s still terrifying for her to think about getting sick. Another has knees that hurt so bad she has trouble walking downstairs to the lobby, but is terrified she might get sick.

It is so sad.

Even more I can’t handle being told to enforce rules and regulations that I know are illogical. For example: requiring a mask and social distancing- both at the same time is unnecessary, so I feel no reason to treat intelligent adults as toddlers and scold them for only doing one. If I see a cluster of people sitting outside talking, they’re all residents of the building, and all wearing masks, then there is no reason to go break them up like naughty children doing something wrong. Yet that is what I’m expected to do. I have done my best to ignore situations like that to have other staff go and do it like they’re making a point.

Why are we degrading humans in this way? Why are we hating each other in such horrible ways and convincing everyone it’s for safety. Why have us humans turned each other into prisoners? And why is everyone seemingly so okay with this?

This disease has a statistical risk lower than that of vaccines (except where people have extreme poverty and no healthcare), but we continue to treat humans as prisoners in the name of safety.

And I’m labeled a “Hero” for punishing able bodied adults that have enough of a mind to make their own decisions. I’m labeled a “Hero” because I sit at a front desk doing arbitrary tasks that don’t really solve anything. I’m labeled a “Hero” for delivering a meal from family, when I know the resident would rather just be with the family, still living life, if not for the fear that has been drilled into their now failing brain because of big media and illogical regulations.

I’m not a hero. Heros fix things, heros save the world. I can’t save anyone in my role with this company, and I keep watching them die right in front of my eyes from lack of real living.

What’s worse is all of the spouses that have been sperated because of non-viral emergencies. One might be dieing because of sepsis and aspiration pneumonia from advanced stages of MS, but his able bodied wife isn’t allowed to go see him in the hospital. I’m no hero, and everyone involved in keeping that family apart should be appalled at their role. None of them are heros. Yet it’s the 8th such situation with just this one building’s residents during Covid rules. It’s appalling.

I simply can’t tolerate this behavior. I can’t seem to bring myself to continue playing any role in this. I will not allow myself to be called a hero when I am most definitely not. A hero really saves lives, a hero really helps people. Keeping families apart in death beds is wrong and entirely the opposite. Western medicine is not fixing anything. They are causing fear and hatred, and ripping families apart when the bonds of love are needed the most.

If someone is dieing of cancer their family has every right to be there. All of them. But no, only 2 at a time and you must be masked even though you’re all family and Grammy is already dieing. It’s wrong.

I just don’t understand why I’m the only one to see it. Why am I the only one who sees the damage and wants to change it?

I don’t know what to do. I love them, but simply can’t participate in this world. My conscious will eat me alive if I continue to keep doing this.

May you have better days. May you know your strengths and be able to use them. May you feel like you are helping. May you be able to make change when it is needed. May you be of greater assistance when it is needed. May you know how to improve horrible situations. May all our light shine bright and lift this world up. May families be reunited and loved ones able to hold each other when it is needed most. May we all be able to live to our fullest at any age. May we have our freedoms restored. May you know God loves and supports you in any decision you make.

Siva Hir Su

Update: A spider got in my pants leg and bit the crap out of my leg. I’ve got a dozen welts on my lower right leg that I’ve treated to avoid infection. I took the hint from spider. It couldn’t just sit down beside me again, no it had to make sure I got the message loud and clear. This job is hurting me emotionally and I can’t stand seeing people I love so misguided by fear that they are choosing not to live. I can’t watch people slowly kill themselves through inactivity because they have nothing to do and nothing to live for. I will be turning in my resignation. My ethics and my emotional stability are worth far more than a few hundred a month in extra shifts.