Tag Archives: covid

4:47

That was the time I woke this morning.

I’m still awake. Someone’s in my head, at least it feels that way.

I woke originally with thoughts of futility about people in my life. I keep getting those stupid message notifications for videos and music. All of them implying I should be apologizing for leaving people hanging. Yet, I’m the one that begged for them not to do that to me. I’m the one getting left hanging. I’m the one that begged for honesty, caring and compassion (& love) from them. I’m the one that helped them as much as I could until their old habits and lies took care of the problem. I did what I could, and results for everyone in my life were because of things I couldn’t control, mostly on their end of the equation.

Yet, it wasn’t just the futility of those people. Now I’m stuck on the futility of western medicine, and life.

My health journey has hit a point of needing the low income clinic again. The ass P.A. I went to wasted my money, so to even get my thyroid meds refilled I need to go back to KC Care. My appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

But I don’t even give a shit anymore. They’ll be able to refill my script, but not much else, even if they wanted to.

Doctors that could do more, don’t.

Everything hangs on vaccines that have 1% to 3% risk rates. That’s everything from “I had a bad allergic reaction”, to people like the lady I knew that dropped to the floor getting vaccines for a vacation and is now a quadrapalegic and never got her vacation, to people that die from them. But they’re our savior- NOT!

Nevermind that we have a new virus that millions have already caught. Those millions are either experiencing repeat infections, or like Epstein-Barr VirusĀ  it just hangs out waiting for an opportunity to flare and reinfect. I’m betting it is the latter. In which case the vaccine will save no one at all.

And we still have NO solution for any viral disease after you’ve caught it. None, nada, zip, zilch. Several hang out in your body for years, doing varying degrees of damage and destruction. But nothing is acceptable to doctors/allopathic-medicine as a reliable way to eradicate chronic viral infections.

The best option is oxygenation therapy. Essentially a peroxide solution in IV-therapy bags. Less than $20 in true costs (plastic, peroxide, distilled water), but IF you can find a doctor that will actually do it, you’ll pay $2000-$3000. And there’s no guarantee it will kill everything in one go. It usually does, but it really depends on your body mass, how much damage you have, and how deeply hidden virus particles might be. So there are some people that need two or three rounds before they are free and clear and able to heal properly.

And me personally. I’ve spent 7 years learning how you squelch depression and manage my thyroid, to have this year’s viral battles, both with Covid and EBV, make it a nearly impossible ongoing issue.

At this point my body hurts frequently. The last few months my liver and pancreas seem to have periods of struggle where I feel them swollen and inflamed and sometimes it outright hurts. I’m in the midst of one such period now. My upper abdomen is painful to touch and aches just sitting still. My sugars won’t come back down unless I fast, and I spend more of my days not eating than consuming anything. When I do eat, 75% of the time it’s seaweed and celery with a smear of peanut butter. The other 25% of the time is meals Nathan fixes for dinner, and 90% of those are AIP friendly.

I’m doing everything in my power correctly and it’s no use. It’s not fixing things like it used to.

I blame Covid, but have no proof I even had it, because testing wasn’t available when I was originally sick, and by the time the antibody test was available it was past the 3-week window of accuracy. So at this point, I could retest when I have one of my anomalous moments like the dizziness or abdominal pain, but I would be risking spending resources to maybe get inaccurate results, since testing still seems to be quite questionable, regardless of which one you’re taking about. It seems that for accurate results it’s down to a two out of 3 type situation, having known several people need to do just that to figure out if they were really sick or not. The ‘I’m actually sick’ test is finally now available at certain locations for free, but the antibody test will still run $150 per test.

Why bother?

It’s not something I care to waste money on knowing there’s no real solution anyways. Even if I did show positive for Covid or the Covid antibodies, there’s still no solution I can even attempt to afford. Even if I had several thousand dollars to try the oxygenation therapy, there’s only 3 docs in the KC metro that offer it. Who knows how long it’d take to get in. Even if I did, it’s not a guarantee it’d reset me to normal and healing.

It’s definitely feeling like futility and “why bother”.

Too bad Dr. Oz or Dr. Fauchi can’t actually create change on this matter. Our medical system will never change. There are too many greedy-old-white-men controlling that system to create any real change anytime soon. They would all have to catch a chronic disease that started to eat their bodies, for anyone to care about medicine being truly for healing and not making money. Unless they all face what me and others are going through, they just won’t care.

Futility.

May you have a, full night’s sleep, a better day and less feelings of futility. May you know that somehow God will make this right.

Siva Hir Su and Om Shanti

PSA

Just because everyone is riled up about Covid does not mean other diseases disappeared.

I just had a really frustrating conversation with my current doctor’s front desk.

I have had a wicked sore throat for a little over 3 days. The point at which eating dinner made it difficult to do anything else, I reached out to the doc after hours by phone.

I explained it is my throat and ears. They hurt really really bad, and the mucous is massive, thick and some color. I have absolutely no other symptoms. No headache except when I try to swallow something- it is definitely reactionary pain in my head. No fever, not even close. No difficulty breathing, and keep in mind I am technically an asthmatic. No chills, no sweats, no body aches.

My symptoms are literally a super painful six inch swath of my body.

Having actually had strep in college, I am painfully aware of the similarities I am experiencing right now. I informed doc of this over the phone and reiterated it has been going for 3 days, and there has been no progression or worsening, but it’s not getting better and I’m having difficulty staying hydrated.

He said ok, I will send in a script for a Z-pack antibiotic and you’ll need to come by the office for a strep swab tomorrow.

Ok, I’m down, seems easy enough.

Then I call the front desk this morning to figure out when I need to do that, and the front desk girl wants to go- it might be covid and we don’t test for that here. I tried to run through all the reasons it might not be covid and strep needs to be treated properly, but she’s so afraid she couldn’t hear me.

There is a serious problem here.

Strep is a bacterial infection that can run for weeks if untreated. It can also do horrible irreparable damage to surrounding tissues and organs, not to mention the very real risk of dehydration and related problems.

Just because you’re afraid of covid, doesn’t mean other diseases disappeared, and if you fail to treat the real disease because it might be covid then you are letting people suffer needlessly.

This isn’t the first such instance I have come across. I have heard of other people that got covid positive tests at first symptoms, but when they failed to get better, doctors finally did further appropriate testing to find out it wasn’t covid to begin with. I have heard of strep, and rhinitis, and others. Leading some to believe that many of the covid tests are coming back positive when it might not have been Covid at all.

The latest is I have a friend (more acquaintance we used to hang out with occasionally). She’s in the hospital for MRSA also known as medicine resistant staphylococcus areolas. The infection progressed so much because of Covid nonsense that since she is now properly diagnosed, they have her on antibiotic drip and doctors are saying she’ll be in the hospital for a couple of weeks maybe longer. MRSA too can kill people and is extremely difficult to overcome when properly diagnose immediately, let alone sidelined because of Covid.

There is something seriously wrong with our medical system right now, and frankly I’m a little pissed that I just got the shuffle because of irrational fear. I haven’t enjoyed the last 3 days, and if they make this drag out forever because they are afraid I might have Covid I’m seriously gonna hurt someone.

See I already know I had a mystery virus before we had testing for Covid. I know that mystery virus fit the precise bill of what covid was. At 3 days I started to feel better and a little over a week I was back to normal. My son fared worse with mystery virus but still lived and got back to normal. Since then I’ve been exposed to at least 3 people with that tested positive shortly after I was around them. I never got sick from them.

And my current problem fits the strep throat bill. Fucking do your job. I shouldn’t have to do it for you. What the fuck am I paying you for.

But that is just me being pissed off I guess. No, no it’s not. Everyone should be pissed off over that. It’s your job to treat the real problem, not slap a questionable test on it because they’re similar and then accept the questionable test results as word of God, even knowing there are many tests both on the false positive and false negative.

I am so over western medicine half assing everything and scaring everyone needlessly. I’m beginning to wonder how many covid deaths were really something else entirely and they were treating the wrong problem. See that’s the biggest issue, when you fuck up so much that people no longer trust you to do the right thing, then you’ve already lost.

As it is, I have my Z-pack and a few days off, whether they do their job right or not. If the Z-pack works and I get back to normal, I’ll just cancel my subscription doctor and find someone else, not that I have much faith in any of them right now. If it doesn’t and they don’t do a strep swab, then I have no clue.

I’m fairly certain that if I did a Covid test it would come back positive whether I have it currently or not.

there are two concerns:

1) Being the frequent false positives of people that have chosen to take the test. Equally as many false negatives make me distrust the test at all.

2) Being that because I am certain I’ve had it, there could still be enough in my system to trigger the positive anyway. New diseases are notorious for your body hitting a stasis where you are no longer sick, but weak virus particles continue to float in your system. Some diseases like Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) have been known to cause thyroid concerns like mine and can hide in your system for years, but no one wants to acknowledge that. We simply have no idea if Covid could be doing that, so some of the false positives might be just that simple, and those people are now sick with something else and not being treated properly.

Here’s the deal, you don’t want to over use antibiotic drugs because that and over use of sanitizer are responsible for MRSA. But covid is viral. So you don’t really do anything for a virus, unless symptoms are severe enough to risk life.

If someone actually is sick because of a bacterial infection it is more hazardous to leave that untreated. We should test for bacterial infections first, then if symptoms might remotely be Covid test for that second. That way if it is bacterial you can solve it and get someone well, but if it isn’t bacterial then you can know for certain what the patient might expect, and in the case of Covid be ready if they are the unlucky few that needs hospitalized.

This nonsense of putting off a strep test because strep symptoms overlap with Covid is horribly wrong and hazardous to everyone’s health. Especially considering that for people that have had strep multiple times, they might need more antibiotics to fight it off. If my one Z-pack doesn’t solve it, and they still refuse to test for strep, they are literally risking creating a super bug. That is bad for everyone.

I’m not opposed to taking the covid test if the strep test returns as negative, but I’ll be damned to assume it’s covid over strep when I know my medical history and experiences.

May you have the intelligent doctors that do their job fully and completely. May you know that you are on the right track. May we all come to our senses and put things back in proper perspective. May you know that you are loved and supported. May you know your body has the ability to heal anything. May you have easy days and be healthy mostly. May you know that God is watching out for you.

Siva Hir Su

Catch 22

Having a moment of indecisive.

Between my inner knowing and an Abraham quote from earlier today, I’m feeling like I need to quit filling in at the independent living center I used to work full-time for.

Yet, I love many of the residents and know I will miss them dearly.

I simply can not keep subjecting myself to so many people living in fear. It is heart breaking watching them deteriorate at light speed because the lack of social interaction is literally causing brain atrophy. I’ve had several residents go from mild forgetfulness to full dementia in the 2 months that Covid lockdowns have been in play. They don’t see their extremely fast decline, all the see is they might get sick. They only know the fear and the “blah blah blah” that they’ve been fed over and over again. They don’t see their inability to walk any distance when 3 months ago they went on shopping excursions with no problem. They don’t see how fast they’ve lost their eyesight, their hearing, their general mobility, because they are doing nothing needing those qualities. They have no reason for their body to live, to do anything, so they’re dieing each and every day they continue to be locked up.

Yet when you ask if they are willing to live like this for the rest of their lives, no matter how many years that is, they respond with “well no”. Yet they believe that if they stay sequestered they will magically never get sick. One resident doesn’t want to live even another year or two, but it’s still terrifying for her to think about getting sick. Another has knees that hurt so bad she has trouble walking downstairs to the lobby, but is terrified she might get sick.

It is so sad.

Even more I can’t handle being told to enforce rules and regulations that I know are illogical. For example: requiring a mask and social distancing- both at the same time is unnecessary, so I feel no reason to treat intelligent adults as toddlers and scold them for only doing one. If I see a cluster of people sitting outside talking, they’re all residents of the building, and all wearing masks, then there is no reason to go break them up like naughty children doing something wrong. Yet that is what I’m expected to do. I have done my best to ignore situations like that to have other staff go and do it like they’re making a point.

Why are we degrading humans in this way? Why are we hating each other in such horrible ways and convincing everyone it’s for safety. Why have us humans turned each other into prisoners? And why is everyone seemingly so okay with this?

This disease has a statistical risk lower than that of vaccines (except where people have extreme poverty and no healthcare), but we continue to treat humans as prisoners in the name of safety.

And I’m labeled a “Hero” for punishing able bodied adults that have enough of a mind to make their own decisions. I’m labeled a “Hero” because I sit at a front desk doing arbitrary tasks that don’t really solve anything. I’m labeled a “Hero” for delivering a meal from family, when I know the resident would rather just be with the family, still living life, if not for the fear that has been drilled into their now failing brain because of big media and illogical regulations.

I’m not a hero. Heros fix things, heros save the world. I can’t save anyone in my role with this company, and I keep watching them die right in front of my eyes from lack of real living.

What’s worse is all of the spouses that have been sperated because of non-viral emergencies. One might be dieing because of sepsis and aspiration pneumonia from advanced stages of MS, but his able bodied wife isn’t allowed to go see him in the hospital. I’m no hero, and everyone involved in keeping that family apart should be appalled at their role. None of them are heros. Yet it’s the 8th such situation with just this one building’s residents during Covid rules. It’s appalling.

I simply can’t tolerate this behavior. I can’t seem to bring myself to continue playing any role in this. I will not allow myself to be called a hero when I am most definitely not. A hero really saves lives, a hero really helps people. Keeping families apart in death beds is wrong and entirely the opposite. Western medicine is not fixing anything. They are causing fear and hatred, and ripping families apart when the bonds of love are needed the most.

If someone is dieing of cancer their family has every right to be there. All of them. But no, only 2 at a time and you must be masked even though you’re all family and Grammy is already dieing. It’s wrong.

I just don’t understand why I’m the only one to see it. Why am I the only one who sees the damage and wants to change it?

I don’t know what to do. I love them, but simply can’t participate in this world. My conscious will eat me alive if I continue to keep doing this.

May you have better days. May you know your strengths and be able to use them. May you feel like you are helping. May you be able to make change when it is needed. May you be of greater assistance when it is needed. May you know how to improve horrible situations. May all our light shine bright and lift this world up. May families be reunited and loved ones able to hold each other when it is needed most. May we all be able to live to our fullest at any age. May we have our freedoms restored. May you know God loves and supports you in any decision you make.

Siva Hir Su

Update: A spider got in my pants leg and bit the crap out of my leg. I’ve got a dozen welts on my lower right leg that I’ve treated to avoid infection. I took the hint from spider. It couldn’t just sit down beside me again, no it had to make sure I got the message loud and clear. This job is hurting me emotionally and I can’t stand seeing people I love so misguided by fear that they are choosing not to live. I can’t watch people slowly kill themselves through inactivity because they have nothing to do and nothing to live for. I will be turning in my resignation. My ethics and my emotional stability are worth far more than a few hundred a month in extra shifts.