Tag Archives: crazy life

Nursing to goals.

I strained my arm again; too many hours of overuse and not nearly enough self care to make up for it. Yet, after lots of work on my own, and even some more with help from Nathan and all the staff at the clinic, it’s on the upswing. Like my shoulder it may take a short bit to clear the hurdle, but I know I will.

It’s funny how logically I have known for 15 years that it is possible to injure oneself with repetitive actions, but apparently I didn’t have a full understanding in terms of my work and my self care routine. The work continued and I was getting my massages, but my self care in the evenings disappeared with familial adjustments these last few months. I didn’t keep track of time elapsed well because I have been functioning day to day, moment to moment. Yet my arm hit a wall, and simply gave up, which I’m now going to have to nurse for a while to repair damage done.

So, I now sit waiting for my daughter to come out of her new job, and saw a man struggling to load groceries onto a bike for a cold ride home this very fall evening. I realized he was not prepared for such an endeavor. His bike had no baskets and it seemed he struggled to find a balance between the two sides of the handle bars, and this isn’t weather anyone riding for fun would typically choose. It was clear that his lack of understanding was partially his upbringing, education and awareness, and partially the aspect of having to do something he’d probably rather not. It was an unpleasant combo.

I’m glad I’m able to avoid that scenario. I’m grateful I’m able to choose when, where, and what weather I ride a bicycle in. I’m also grateful that I have a vehicle to handle cold and wet, fall and winter weather, safely and comfortably. I have choices in this matter and it feels good to know that.

Yet, I immediately thought of English and Irish peoples who still to this day ride bicycles miles upon miles for all sorts of needs. They ride rain or shine, from town to town to run their errands and go to work. It just is the way they were raised. It’s part of their culture. The same is true for people from Portland or even like my brother on the east coast. Some people just know that it is a safe environmentally friendly choice of transportation, which if you are prepared and have proper equipment can also be quite enjoyable.

I missed that as a kid, and realized that as I contemplated my upbringing.

I was aware that bicycles could be ridden long distances because my brother would disappear for what seemed as hours on end to ride his bicycle. But I was a tiny baby and then toddler when he was riding. I had no real concept of time or distance. By the time I was old enough to figure that out I was left with family that thought bicycles were more for occasional recreation, rather than exercise or any other kind of daily routine. There was no incentive to invest on that vehicle, it was slower and could not carry lots of weight or passengers, it didn’t make the cut, so a plain and basic bike was my tool to learn the experience of bicycling. It was far from a full experience of all that word can mean. I now have a greater awareness, but at this point I lack the endurance to to use it as transportation for any distance. I’m willing to change that, but it isn’t something I can do overnight.

I am contemplating getting a bike I found on Amazon, maybe by next spring. I’ll put a pic below. It is an electric optional bike, where I can pedal as normal or start the motor and let it do the work. I think it would be helpful in building my endurance and beginning to commute to work by pedal power. See I haven’t been on a bicycle at all in maybe 4 years, and the last time I did ride regularly it was on relatively flat terrain. We would ride with Ian in the pull-along bubble, but we were on bike paths around Riverside and it was very flat and very smooth. Even then my distance was limited. So contemplating my 8.5 mile commute which has several very big hills is a bit daunting. I want to, and I want to get good at biking, but the process seems a bit much to handle. The electric bike would take the daunting out, as long as I stayed motivated to do as much as I could on a given day. I don’t know, maybe it’s just another variation on pushing myself too hard. But, it seems like it would solve both a transportation issue we are having with only one reliable vehicle, and also solve part of my self care puzzle by reintroducing exercise to my daily routine post dialysis interventions. It’s at least worth the attempt and a good bike is never a bad thing.

I guess what I’m saying is that my shoulder, and the biking picture, both are an analogy of the whole picture of life. We only know or understand something fully from the experiences we’ve had, and can only guess at what something is like until we have first hand knowledge. Sometimes we take risks because of that limited knowledge, and sometimes those risks end up hurting us or someone we are close to. It’s not something we should beat ourselves up over, but it is a learning lesson that can help future decisions.

I have now painfully learned that injury can happen whether it’s a singular intense incident or a chain reaction of several minimal ones. And I’m describing it to you with the best my words hold, knowing that you don’t fully comprehend the weight of that, with the core of your being, until it has happened to you. We can never judge another’s experience because we were not in their shoes, but likewise we need to estimate our own limits better knowing that we don’t really know. It leaves less risk, less hurt, but keeps us safer in general.

We can never know the fullness of anything until we have experienced it, but knowing what we do know and knowing that our perspective is limited, can sometimes help us avoid pitfalls of life. Be kind to yourself and others when estimations fail, because we’ve all been there and done that in some way, shape, or form. Healing is possible, and sometimes it requires asking for help. For me right now, I’m past the worst of the arm injury and slowly recuperating, but I still know it is a symptom of a bigger picture needing addressed. I spoke with my friend the office manager about schedule adjustments to attempt to enable self care at work. Beyond that I am still grasping at straws, and don’t know who to ask for what yet. I know I need help, but I just don’t know what to ask for, or who can provide it once I figure that out. Maybe a few more days will bring clarity. For now I continue, moment to moment, day by day, because it’s how I’ve gotten through all of this.

May you understand your needs and what to ask for. May you see where your knowledge is limited and safely estimate you own personal limits. May you have adequate time and space to care for yourself so that you can continue to care for others. May you know that you have everything you need and it’s a simple question away. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

The bike I’m working towards:

Spinning like a top.

Tonight I write as I work on drifting to sleep. The goal to empty my head, to calm my mind, so that I can sleep.

I feel at the moment as though my head is spinning as fast as a dradel.

This month I’m on a ride, I think I dove straight into that fast spinning vortex Abraham talks so much about, and I’m definitely holding on for the ride to resume normal.

Quick recap of previous bumps: depression cycles, miscarriage, Anya succumbing to depression, losing my mind thrice over with manic in between, sinus infection taking me down a notch, and discovering I’m actually still pregnant with the other “twin” 8 weeks along.

Oh, but it gets better. After yesterday’s news, I asked my one building if they were still interested in having me in their team. They had given me a sort of impromptu walk in interview last week when I went to do my regularly scheduled chair massages. They responded that the position might have been filled and send my resume anyway.

I received the call at 9am that the position was mine if I wanted it, I gave a tentative yes. By 10am I’d filled Nathan in, and confirmed my acceptance to start on the 22nd.

 By noon I’d rescheduled most but not all of my massage work. I have 2 buildings left to permanently reschedule, and 2 individuals will likely get permanently dropped. Everything else I found homes for in my new schedule. And I still managed to complete most of today’s actual originally intended work.

The new schedule starting the 22nd will be full 10 hour work days Thursday through Monday. 1 half Tuesday per month, & Wednesday’s will likely end up filled, but only half for work (pm will still be family activities).

So I’ll essentially be working 6 long days a week. While pregnant, and yes the new job knows I’m expecting. They really, really wanted me.

It felt really nice to have a respectable employer want me that much. It validated my thoughts about my mad skills.

The pay is lower than hoped, but Nathan pointed out I was interviewed on the spot before I submitted a resume, which generally speaks to how highly they regard me. In addition, they’ve already pointed out that within 6 months I could work toward increases equal to half again the base/starting rate, potentially reaching over 15 an hour. Plus it has benefits, and I could keep all of my massage work that I chose to.

It was just really, really easy and very convenient, with perfect timing. I couldn’t have asked for a better solution for the moment (exception being winning a lottery jackpot).

 I spent the rest of the day thanking the Lord/God/Shiva/Jesus & the divine in general.

I’ve already broached moving back to the city, or at least much much closer with Nathan. He understands my concerns especially with being pregnant and now working so much. He’s not fighting me, but we need to discuss and work out an agreement on details. I’m hoping that as we do that, something will show itself equally easily.

We’re suddenly in this space of knowing that every time we make a specific request it’s like we get a very direct, very easy response from the divine.

At this point I’m just doing my best to keep up, still needing to invoice, finish paperwork for Anya to see someone, and now tomorrow fill out new hire paperwork, plus a dozen odds and ends that we’d intended a while ago.

Oh, that was the other thing. I mentioned ages ago that I thought I was being nudged to get passports in order. I thought at that time Anya’s was in our fire box with her birth certificate. Apparently the grandma still had it from the trip to Brazil before her mom died. I had no idea. But the divine did and somehow solved the problem. Grandma literally gave us the expired passport with the money to renew it when she brought Anya back Tuesday. None of us asked, but poof, exactly what was needed.

See what I mean. Hang on for the ride and do your best to keep up. That’s all. Everything else is just falling into place. 

The only one I’m waiting for is my friend to show up, I keep seeing him looking out a plane window. I don’t know when, he hasn’t said anything to me, but I know it’s soon. It makes me happy to think of it.

And on that note, I’ll drift off to sleep thinking happy thoughts of new homes and cute boys showing up out of nowhere.

Living La Vida Loca- Enrique Iglesias

I feel that song quote fits this quick update. I felt like I needed to post an update, but I have precious little time to do so, so a quickie on my lunch break will have to do.

  1. Visited Dad Sunday into Monday. Very surreal, but very needed. He sent me off with gifts of protection, sustenance, and a sentimental returned gift from my childhood. I can’t help but wonder if there is more to the gifts than meets the eye, but only time will tell that. Everyone was on their best behavior and despite my fathers harsh presence at times in the past, we got through the visit with nary an argument. It was very surreal, but in the best way possible, especially considering everything in my family’s history.
  2. Garden is growing great, with all the rain everything is doing wonderful. I haven’t had time to take pictures, so I’ll have to do that this weekend, probably when I go to mow the lawn again.
  3. Another chicken died of natural causes, but that hasn’t affect egg production. Now that the weather is nice again were getting 3 to 4 dozen eggs a day. I’ll be delivering 10 dozen to a friend this evening. She’s going to make mini-quiches to put in the fridge and freezer at work for the low income high-schoolers that intern at her work. She says they typically have whatever leftovers or chips are available in their break-room for breakfast, so this will actually be a healthy breakfast for them now. I’m glad our abundance in eggs will help kids that need it.
  4. I’ve been working long days to accommodate fewer days in the city. So far it has helped get caught up on basic chores and do things like the visit to Dad. However, I’ve planned 13 long work days (14-15 hours) in June to enable 17 mostly open days for construction. It’ll be interesting to see if: A) I can stick to it; and B) if it produces the results I’m hoping for.
  5. The construction plan has shifted. Essentially, in a quick synopsis: The rotten wood and siding replacement on the mobile home was pushing the budget over 5 grand extra just to do the outside, and that was if I did everything myself. However, I can get a 8’W x 45’L x 9’T (foot) shipping container for $2200, so 2 shipping containers would be much more square footage and not only save me a little money, but a lot of time. So the new plan is get 1 shipping container and get it built with allowances for a second one to be attached later. I can use everything that was started and collected for the mobile home, and pull the rest of the usable materials from the mobile home. Thus saving even more time and money. In the short term it’ll be a very small space for us to get used to, but it will enable land, well and septic to happen faster, and in the long run we could end up with a very nice spacious home made of 2 or 3 containers attached in a variety of options. Also, if I can get it delivered quickly, I could potentially have a large portion of the construction done by the end of June because of all the days I took off. It’s essentially almost twice the time allotted for all of the construction we did last year. Then if I managed to do the same in July we could have a nice home in a little over 2 months. The biggest hiccup will be paying for the remainder of the needed supplies. I won’t have much to spare, so I foresee playing the “hop the Habitat Restore stores” game for the rest of the cabinets, electrical, plumbing, and fixtures, and even as much of the raw lumber as possible. There are a few elements I will have to purchase new (kitchen counter) so I have to leave some cushion for those items. It’ll be tight, but I think it will speed things up considerably. Now, if I can just get the shipping container guy to call or email me back.
  6. Anya’s birthday is coming up soon, and even though we got her a phone, I feel I need to do something special to show her how much we appreciate everything she does for us. She’s headed to the Ozarks as I write this, to spend time with a friend’s family at the lake. They are in our home-school group and really good people, so I think it’ll be a good time. She’s gone until Monday, so it’ll be an extra long weekend for me! Anyway, I’m thinking of doing a Coco-Keys water-park hotel stay for her and a few friends. It’ll be 2 rooms with me and one other mom and 5 or 6 girls. Again, pushing my budget, but I need to show her we love her and care about her, and I can’t think of anything she’d like more. Now to schedule the reservation- it’s on my list of things to do today.
  7. All the “normal stuff”: mow, tend garden, clean, dishes, work on thinning ¬†out our storage unit/purging, laundry, cats, chickens… I’m sure that’s not even everything, but my lunch break is up, so I’ll just have to write another post this weekend. A crazy life for a crazy wonderful family doing our best to survive this crazy world (and that’s not even considering anything politically or societally!).