Tag Archives: darkness

Out damn spot.

Like a darkness, an oily soiled evilness, ruining all it touches. Your ick spoils all, your vileness permeates everything and every one. You are the IT of “A Wrinkle In Time”. You are that which none wants, but all fight silently. You are the dis-ease we all fight, the remnants of poor choices past. Humanity, thinking beings, created you. All negative emotions, especially fear, feed you.

Your vileness is unwelcomed in my world.

Get out.

You threaten my thoughts, you threaten my emotions. You create worries and concern. You tell lies and show me death. Yet you are the lie, you are death. Your grim cloak is invisible. Your banshee screams are inaudible. Most pretend they don’t hear or see you, but the human experience is laden with you. Every turn, every moment of life, can cast your shadows.

It is our greatest biological weakness, an inability to escape your touch permanently.

How does humanity stop that which is undetectable, unmeasurable, invisible and silent?

You are worse than any disease because you are the root of disease. Humanity helped you by creating a new bigger, faster, unstoppable version; and we continue to help you by devoting our emotions to fear, only feeding you further.

I choose to ignore you as much as possible. I choose to use your lies to find my truth.

Kill everyone if you want, they will escape your touch in the afterlife. If humanity ends, then so too will the darkness that has gripped an entire planet in fear, crippling logic and stalling real solutions.

“In our darkest days lie our greatest strength.” ~ Master Jim, Troll Hunters a Netflix Original

I scolded my step-daughter this evening, after several events laden with chaos and mayhem. Nathan’s dialysis was one, a conversation about the failings of vaccines another. There were several others less notable.

My scolding was because I saw that fear was causing her to shut down and ignore the message that we were attempting to convey. She clings to the hope promised by the system, and is blinded to the emptiness of those promises. She desperately wants to believe that some pill or some shot will magically solve all her woes. She does not hear me when I tell her they don’t do that for anyone. Any one pill or any one shot, only gives you a chance at the singular thing which it is aimed. There is a myriad of things, and that is why there is a myriad of pills and shots. They are humanities’ feeble attempts at fixing what was broken ages before, and there is no one fix for all of it, except vibrational alignment, and humanity will likely never find alignment as a collective. We must do it as individuals for any chance of survival.

In the scolding, I pointed out to her, that her own mother died because that same system offered empty promises to her mother, cancer treatment failed miserably because she died after a 2 year battle where she couldn’t walk and suffered constantly. I pointed out the same system is currently failing her own father, and even when he is trying to explain something is wrong they ignore him. I pointed out that same system has hurt me repeatedly, and that my direct efforts have helped myself and her father more than anything else.

That is all 3 of her parents, whom have all been let down by the system over and over again.

But for whatever reason, all she sees is the hope laden propaganda, and she needs hope so desperately that it is all that matters.

I however, hope that same darkness referenced above, is the reason I feel like I’ve already lost her. I choose to cling to my own internal hope that she’ll grow a greater awareness and quickly. I choose to cling to my own internal knowing that she is smart enough to decifer real truth from hopeful propaganda. I choose to know that regardless of any of it, whether any of us survive this man made mess or not, that on the other side we will all find relief in a permanent way.

“Where there is a will there is a way.”

I choose to fight for Nathan and send prayers for all of us, knowing that this life might be a loosing battle, but one way or another good will overcome.

Regardless of whether we attracted this disease through poor choices and bad alignment, or actually created it in a lab as an attempt at warfare, either way we are responsible, and either way we still have yet to produce solid reliable permanent resolution for it. The vaccine was a solid attempt, but it’s stats are not holding up to standards set long ago. Continuing to put all of our resources in that basket is risking lives of generations, not just the here and now. The vaccine industry has put profits before lives, and it caused catastrophic failure, not just with covid (revisit effectiveness stats for the last several years of the flu vaccine). And I reiterate we can solve computer viruses easier than human viruses, there is no solidly effective anti-viral for any virus, and no resources are devoted to healing post infection for any disease. Our best bet is still simply to honor the miraculous nature of the human body and feed it well enough to do as it was designed.

We humans are failing ourselves, over and over and over and over and over again.

Right now the most successful survivors are those that have learned their own personal alignment- in all the ways that means. They have the least of the illness, and the least of the long-term ramifications. That is why it is my goal, that is why I devote so much of my time and resources to working on myself.

I choose to honor myself. I choose to respect myself. I choose to educate myself. I choose to arm myself with my own arsenal of awareness. I choose to acknowledge my strengths and work on building up my weaknesses. I choose to be the best me I can be and forgive myself for my lapses. I am human on the journey of life and sometimes it sucks. It’s what you do with that moving forward that counts.

Not even the biggest powers that be have stopped this disease, so I must simply do my best knowing that if I fail it’s still okay. God is the only one capable of stopping this, and it seems that either he doesn’t want to, or is still working on it.

I choose to believe that I and my family will survive and heal fully. I choose to believe that we will find our alignment enough to continue on our journey of life. I choose to believe that God is rooting for me to win, and I’m waiting for my HA moment. In the meantime I will keep reaching for my own inner being because that alone is what has given me everything that has helped me over the years. My inner being has saved me more times than measurable, my inner being has guided me to everything I’ve ever needed to know. I trust my inner being more than anything else, and I always do my best to follow that guidance.

I pray for everyone that doesn’t even know what that feels like. Those are the people that need it the most right now.

May you see the darkness for what it is. May you bring light to all the shadows and find healing for yourself and those around you. May you know that no matter what it’s all okay, even if we all did die, we’d be free of this darkness. May you know that somewhere, somehow there is something more helpful than the failure vaccines. May you know that if we all reach for alignment it will help humanity in all the ways, but especially in finding a real solution for this and all diseases. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Scared of the dark.

This video reminded me of 2 things. My childhood fear of the dark, and my nearly lifelong battle with depression and disease.

I felt it was a really good metaphor for the latter. Sometimes shining a little light can sooth the emotions, but when that fails you just need to figure out why the darkness is there. It has a reason and once you know the reason it’s easier to see the light and the good in it.

May you never be afraid of the dark. May you always see the light. May you be understanding with yourself and others when learning to navigate the darkness. May you find ways to soothe every fear and find strength in your knowing. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Making deals

Not sure anymore
Angel or devil
Something hears me
Something seems to respond

All I know
Heavy cloaks
Feels like lead
Boots and suits

Darkness threatens
To take my life

Fighting with
All my might
Desperately aimed at
Escaping the weight

I am She-Ra
Like a powerful

Forcing myself
To keep going
To keep moving
It's the only thing
That helps me

Feels like escaping
Darkest demon's grip

My deal:
My life must
Have meaning
My life if lost
Must save my
Entire family

If I'm going down
They must be rescused

The darkness
Must be slain
Even if my last breath
Is the device
Of accomplishment

Like a tear jerking
Scene from Titanic

I'm doing my
Absolute best
I'm aimed
At winning
At all costs
Even risking my own life

May God's light
Shine down
Upon me
Upon my family

A miracle
Might save us all

~ Treasa Cailleach

Quiet night


That’s the road in front of us.  No worries,  husband, Nathan, is driving.

We’re headed to our paper route.  Yep,  I said it,  we’re adults driving a route. I didn’t know it until we met Jen (who is giving us the trailer), but rural paper routes pay decent.  Right now we’re Sunday only,  but the paper just offered me a 7 day route,  4 hours a day that pays better than my  elderly massage stuff.
Can’t pass something like that up.  Between the 2 paper routes,  I’ll make  double  what I used to make with  just massage, & if I can bear to keep doing massage with  the old folks,  we’ll make about 5 grand a month.  Numbers I’ve never seen.

Our little family has had it hard in the last  decade,  and it’s not for the lack of trying.

I have a BA in art, & been trained & certified as a massage therapist,  & been trained & licensed as a class B professional driver. To this point I’ve worked in all 3 fields and never broken 30grand a year. The best money to this point has been driving transit & handicap buses. A close second was when I did massage for a chiropractor,  which was ok hourly wages,  until he nearly worked me to death- and I fell asleep at the wheel headed home- I quit.
Enough was enough then too, and I struck out on my own.  Opened a small office & ran Groupon’s/LivingSocial’s, & barely made ends meet until I solidly got into several nursing centers. Then I had my baby,  closed my office, & just did nursing centers. Things were tight, but I could pay our bills & not have  a 40+ hour work week, which was vital with a brand new baby.

I love Anya,  but she was not a birth for me.  Her mom left Nathan when Anya was just a baby,  & we spent 8 years driving back  & forth  every 2 weeks to see Anya. Then Anya’s mom died of cancer, & the driving & those costs ceased  because we got full custody.

Those were challenges in their own right,  but not on the scale of giving birth & trying to work with a newborn.

Why did I have  to work?  I was the only one that could.  Anya’s mom leaving,  in my opinion literally broke Nathan’s heart. It may seem like a stretch to some,  but for me it’s real.  4 years into driving for Anya,  Nathan got sick. He had/has an enlarged heart, high blood pressure,  & out of control diabetes.  Doctors orders: don’t  work, apply for disability,  watch your salt & numbers.  We did that & so much more.  I’m confident he’ll live many more  years because of all the work we did. Did we ever get disability? NO. So, I get to support us.   Although,  when Anya’s mom died of cancer we did get benefits for her,  which have hepled more times than I can count. Never the less those benefits rightfully belong to her,  & I hope to be able to replace what I’ve used  one day. Regardless of the benefits,  I’m really the income for the family. I make sure we have  healthy food,  warm clothes,  & as comfortable of a home as I can create.

That last one was falling short with the bug infested apartment, so now the trailer journey. Again, enough is enough.  I know I can do better,  so I will.

With the apparent strength in that statement,  there has been many a metaphorically dark night.

I’ve struggled with depression, literally since I was  12 years old.  I currently hold western medicine responsible for that with  new knowledge of  my thyroid woes. Regardless,  I’ve had one emotional struggle, followed by another. I talk about them now, in hopes of giving others solace that they are not alone. I’ve had many semicolons in my life,  when I thought things were over. It can happen for others,  but it’s not always sunshine & roses, and that perspective can sometimes actually make matters worse.  Never tell someone that is suicidal that “they just need to snap out of it,  it’s not as  bad as you think”. That’s essentially telling an already suicidal person that they are crazy,  mentally ill. And though that may be technically the case,  it’s not helpful in preventing suicide. I KNOW!

It’s better to give love & support, let them know you care,  that you’re there,  offer to help find resources if it’s needed.  And most  importantly,  a shoulder to cry on,  that it’s ok to cry, just let it out. That’s what’s helpful.

In every case where I’ve been most lost, that is what has mattered.

There has been twice that I’ve literally almost lost the battle.  Once when I first met Nathan,  we were rural.  I drove myself to a small lake nearby,  in the middle of nowhere,  corn fields. I found myself sitting in the car on the beach listening to mice chewing on the insulation of the car’s roof.  Thinking I cold just hit the gas, drive in & end everything. Finally,  I broke down sobbing,  fell out of the car,  & sat there crying for an eternity. When I finally got too cold, I crawled back into the driver’s seat & went home. Nathan told me he didn’t know where I’d gone, that he knew something was horribly wrong,  but he didn’t know what to do.

The second was just after my son was born, & my thyroid had fallen WAY off. I didn’t  know that’s what was happening, I just found myself screaming and screaming  at “God”. Finally,  headed home from work one day,  I was screaming at “God” again, & when I got to the Missouri river bridge,  I actually found myself thinking of driving off the side,  to the extent that I even headed for the shoulder of the highway.  Luckily,  whatever stupid self preservation mechanism we have  as humans finally kicked in & I righted  the vehicle & cried my way  home. When I got home crying,  Nathan just held me.

Again,  I offer my story for a sense of solace for those in the midst of the dark,  & for perspective for  those trying to help someone who is in the dark.  It can shift,  change for the better.  The semicolon of life can be found.  Hang in there.