Tag Archives: depression cure

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.

Do you enjoy vanity?

I found myself saying: it must be nice to be vain; that is after experiencing the 3rd person this week to comment on the lines the face creadle cover made on their face.

I’m from the perspective of- I like my massages, and so what if the face creadle cover leaves lines on my face. At least I got a good massage to combat and eliminate the stress this world produces in my body. I’d much rather have face cradle lines than the look of weary and downtrodden stress-bots that most people carry.

Then I started thinking, do people really enjoy vanity? The kind of vanity that is afraid others might notice your massage face. What is your brain telling you that makes massage face a bad thing?

Why would you even want to carry stressed face like everyone else? What is so appealing about sameness, that you want sameness even when the reality of that sameness is an element you work to undo every 1 to 3 weeks?

To me relaxed massage face or genuine glowing happiness and joy are the best faces to have, and anymore they are both rare.

Mostly, I have enough sense to get my massage and then go home. The few times I haven’t, I later thought: what the hell was I thinking, I’m not functional after a good massage. So I tend to think others would do the same.

I guess not; and in your instant worry about lines on your face and trying to be functional afterward, you’ve just wasted what your $80 just paid for. The moment you go back into worry, your body begins to ramp up your stress response and literally within minutes to hours it will be as if I never worked on you to begin with.

However, that is my job security.

No matter how well I demolish your stress and built up tension, I know that it’ll come right back. It comes back with every negative thought, every stress induced action, every repetitive motion, every moment of WORK, every worry. Frankly, most of society is really good at that side of the equation and really lazy on the stress reduction side of the equation. Why do any real work on/for yourself, when you can go pay someone to do it for you, and convince yourself that your occasional massage is adequate.

The real work, I used to give as homework, until I realized my words were bouncing off of thin air.

Now, I just willingly accept your $80/hour and smile politely when you make remarks about the lines.

The real work:

Self-care, including but not limited to:



Epsom salt baths

Regular Mag-a-hol usage

Supplements including but not limited to Magnesium, Potassium, Fish Oil, and Turmeric

Self-massage with a variety of easily accessible tools, some as simple as a tennis ball or foam roller.

Better diet choices to reduce inflammation

Consistent and ample sleep

Regular Sunlight

The not so hilarious corker here is that all these same things fight depression. You can read “The Depression Cure” yourself for the science of why, but in simple terms.

Stress=Inflammation=Tight Muscles



So tight muscles are usually experienced alongside pain, and as statistics are showing, increasingly alongside depression as well.

Massage fights the tight muscles element and can combat stress itself to a certain degree, but unless you work on the whole package, you will never find whole relief.

So go ahead and waste many dollars and many hours seeing therapists like me to convince yourself you’re doing what you can to feel better. I’ll gladly accept the job security, and inside laugh at your vanity over lines.

For those willing to do the work, I’ll gladly answer direct questions on any number of topics.

May you all have abundance of self-care and a famine of stress and worry.


Watch “Abraham Hicks 💓 Let FUN guide you [NEW]” on YouTube


I’m so very guilty of this. Guess I understand at least part of why the last 3 years has gone the way it has. I really need figure out how to stay-permanently- on the positive vortex side.

It’s funny: scaring off people I really like on one hand; & introducing other friends to polyamory & law of attraction on the other hand (I’ve discovered different friends have gravitated to one or the other in the last couple of years, & I was the one that introduced the concepts). I literally told Nathan when he informed me of that: “Why the hell do I keep helping others find things I have yet to fully figure out for myself?!”


As for me:

I just keep getting better and better at solving a never ending slew of problems. Nursing is slowly resolving: they went ahead and clipped Katherine’s tongue-tie even though the front was mild, with a disclaimer that since it wasn’t bad it might not solve things, & the rear may be more significant, but also more costly to clip. It’s solved maybe 70% of the pain. The other 30% is very, very slowly backing off as my nipples heal. I really wish I could speed that process up more, but I’ve been told its going quickly compared to others with that much damage- probably because all the goop I’m using repeatedly. I’m also in the midst of figuring out adrenal & thyroid balance post birth to put an end to the emotional nose dives and roller coaster ride I’ve been on for the last 3 weeks. Nursing problems or not, I knew the extreme falls were needing an extra look, & my last 2 tweaks seem to have made significant headway.

Now I just need to get into the doc to renew my desicated thyroid prescription.

I do wish though that Dr. Illardi would revisit his Depression Cure book with postpartum needs and situations in mind, that puzzle could use his perspective. I’ve had a heck of a time trying to apply his findings to “eat when they eat, sleep when they sleep” new baby logic, while still attempting to retain the allergy needs dictated by 3rd trimester, trying to stimulate lactation, having difficulty with severe breast pain, and not being able to leave my room half as much as I’d prefer. It’s a puzzle that has already threatened to get the better of me, but as usual I’m fighting with all I’ve got.


In other news:

The basement is also coming along well. Our “living room”/ multipurpose room is nearly complete, and we’re finally working on unpacking things beyond clothing.

The storage area behind the brown chair will eventually get covered with a curtain. That is once I’m certain the crack in the ceiling no longer leaks when it rains.

My child already made friends with the Lego’s in the new open floor space, but there is still room for 2 pieces of exercise equipment, a large dog kennel (blue sheeted cube) , & stacked tables for organizing short term storage & usables.

The other table currently a mess, is intended for being art space, and most (but not all) of what is on it is art supplies. To that end I fully intend to sort & organize to actually be able to use it for its intended purpose.

Nathan’s goal has been to tackle organizing our portion of kitchen stuff in the garage & to make the garage usable space again. He’s about three quarters of the way through that process, but it looks a ton better and you can actually walk around in the garage now (as opposed to squeezing through & still being afraid of tripping, like it was a couple of weeks ago).

It’s starting to feel like home, and to that end we’re getting closer to having everything moved. Nathan’s down to missed odds and ends, & the large outdoor items. Life is finally starting to seem normal again, and things are beginning to look pretty again. That I have to thank the gods for. I asked Kali almost 3 years ago to help me make things pretty again (when I hit the remodeling-brick-walls with the trailer), and it’s finally beginning to take shape, just not the way I thought it would. SO not the way I envisioned.

Anyway, Hannah is giving the home a glorious garden. She helped me rescue plants I’d started the previous 2 years. & those combined with her plants from before, her amazing touch, a bunch of seeds, and a few new plants, things are looking great.

The view of the Iris’ from our room is wonderful too.

Finally, I’ve made cards for a couple of people that were very generous with me this year, birthday & baby wise. I was going to make a 3rd, but that person is nearly blind, so I’m not sure yet how to honor her generosity. Beyond that, it’s taken me over a month, but I’m almost done with an adult coloring page I’m in love with- an elephant.

I can’t take full credit for the cards, the cats were inspired by a single kitty I saw somewhere, & the cover words were also found. I just put my personal touch on it, crafting it with watercolors on heavy art paper, feeling like that meant more than a store bought card. I hope they feel the same way when they get them.


So up, and down, and all around.

My husband and Hannah both keep telling me that I’m amazing & should be congratulating myself. I still have difficulty seeing it, knowing the thousands of things I would still like to accomplish. I do have my moments where I’m like “Yeah I’m a bad-ass giving birth and all the challenges and I’m still trucking with a healthy beautiful baby to-boot”. I just wish I could figure out how to maintain those moments consistently without seeming like or sounding like a narcissistic bastard… Yes that is a fear of mine. Yet another challenge. …

My last request for the day: one less challenge to overcome, let something be easy for once. Let a something, for everyone, be easy for once.

*Siva Hir Su.*

Missing puzzle pieces.

“Only miss the sun when it starts to snow”- Passenger “Let Her Go”

It seems my puzzle has crumbled and I’m struggling to attempt to put it back together. Between longer nights with shorter days, cold weather, too little exercise, too little sleep, pregnancy hormones, and feeling generally overwhelmed, my puzzle has completely fallen apart.

I saw it happening, but felt helpless to stop it because most of the pieces were currently out of my control. How do you keep your needs met when things out of your control are major contributing factors? I’m still not sure I have the answer, though I’m working on an attempt.

The straw that broke the camels back was relationship strife. I was generally feeling like I was putting more into relationships than I was receiving in return. I fought with my husband twice. My online Beau quit writing again. I was generally feeling overwhelmed and alone, and like no one was valuing my efforts by demonstrating equal efforts.

I knew I’d fallen in the hole despite my best efforts not to.

My climb out is difficult and arduous. I can see the top, but just can’t seem to reach it.

I can’t fix the sun disappearing, but I’m doing my best to figure out how to get more artificial light. 

The driving hours on end was threatening to prevent light therapy and exercise and sleep, all in one fell swoop. So I’ve taken to staying in the city at all costs. 

Not wanting to overstay my welcome with friends, I’ve now slept in my car once, and then in my “office” once. My office is more a storage closet with a small desk, but the floor is big enough for a mat, so that’s what I did. There was also a part of me that acknowledged that I’m not good company right now, and I just couldn’t find the energy to be social to acknowledge the graciousness of my friends allowing me to stay with them. So in my brain the car or storage closet was better than having to put happy face on, and not having to worry about others hearing me cry in the middle of the night. I feel ashamed for having fallen in the hole when I know what my puzzle is, just because I failed to maintain it.

Additionally, staying in the city, I’m not necessarily saving any money because what I would have spent on fuel was spent on food. However, it has meant I have gotten more exercise and more sleep.

 I have yet to find a solution to get more light therapy. I’ve thought about putting a light somewhere at work, but finding a place to mount it that’s the right hight and location for more than 30 min of my day seems to be the biggest challenge. I’m trying to figure out if I can find a clamp light that I could take with me from room to room, but I’m just not sure if I will be able to find mounting locations at the right height.

There has to be a solution somewhere, but once your brain is struggling it’s extra hard to figure out the solutions.

I keep hoping that my husband finds a new home soon, because that would be the overall solution for everything. However, it seems like pulling teeth to get him moving faster. It’s not that he’s not trying, it’s just he doesn’t get how to manage time efficiently and maximize his days to get the most done. I’ve tried to explain how I juggle things, thousands of times over, even providing others’ websites for guides, but he still has days where he spends all day making a few phone calls and doing a handful of mineal activities, not actually accomplishing anything significant. Then when I point out that something has been being asked of him for 2 or 3 months he gets defensive and tries to argue with me. I just don’t know how to encourage more efficiency and speediness in his actions.

I truly understand the old adage “men, you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them”. I love him, and would be devastated if he were gone, but I’m at my wits end and just need him to have things done. All the way, moved, settled and my puzzle solved so that I can get back out of my hole. 

I hate being in the hole, it’s not fun, and especially knowing the cause and solution. I find I’m extra upset that I can’t get out. I need relief, something fierce.

Abrahams’ quote today was:

“Get so fixated on what you want, that you drown out any vibration or reverberation that has anything to do with what you do not want.”
This blog post has not been that, but now that I’ve vented/explained my-self-state, it’s my hope that I will be able to refocus on those things I do want. As I’ve mentioned before, once I feel like I’m heard, I can often release things enough to get my brain on to other better topics. Hopefully this follows true.

My topics of choice:

New home close to work with new Ikea beds, more sleep, more exercise, and more light. At this point it looks like a rental will be the solution for now, just needing to find the right/best one.

Better relations with hubby and Beau.

Moving toward progress, saving money for baby and Atira.

Hopefully moving toward miracles. Even being depressed my brain occasionally reminds me of good visions I’ve had in the past, especially the one where I’m holding baby (3rd child) standing outside the dome with my family. If that vision of over 9 years is accurate, there’s likely a miracle inbound. I’m doing my best to refocus on that today, if my brain will cooperate with me just a little bit.

Please keep me/us in your prayers and send us good thoughts of progress. I’ll keep fighting like I always have, just another hash mark on the battle board. I haven’t lost the depression war yet, in 22 years of fighting, so even though I face my doubts of that regularly, I feel like I’ll eventually win the war for once and for all.


This is going to be post one of two today. This one because I feel the need to share and release (hopefully finally) a huge negative. The next post will be much more positive.


The pre-teens & teens in the homeschool group went stupid. They’re actions could have lead to someone’s death if not for one older smart child, as it is only a handful actually hurt themselves physically. Yet in the aftermath I feel like all the parents want to treat them with kid gloves. The only difference between them getting off the hook now and being in jail for child endangerment is merely 4 years difference in age. Yet the parents want to be ever so cautious in how they convey information life they are afraid of their own children. They really should be more afraid of the consequences of not getting through their thick skulls quickly.

Anyway, I had written the following as a speech I’d intended to deliver at our teen night. Nathan forbade me not wanting to loose friends. I however, went ahead and supplied it to parents via email, where I got exactly the typical response. “This might be too harsh for my baby, I should have the right to tell them how I see fit.” Well OK. I warned you, I gave you resources, I gave the opportunity for help. If your child hurts themselves further I’m off the hook. I did what I could.

…. So, for any other parent that might be dealing with something similar, feel free to share this with your child. That is if you’re not afraid of scaring sense into them. Hopefully since I’m dealing with a bunch of chicken whimps wanting to baby and coddle their children, this speech might help someone else. It’d be nice to know that someone somewhere cares enough about their kids to take swift, appropriately  intense action to wake theirs kids up before their brains completely shut down.


Hi everyone, I’m going to keep this as short and to the point as I can. It has been brought to my attention by more than one person that there is unhealthy discussions and actions in our group regarding Depression, Suicide, and cutting. My goal here is to correct that and create a space where everyone understands and utilizes more healthy approaches to the topic.

Why me, why am I the one doing this? 5 reasons:

  1. I am outright angry, no livid, that this has been happening for months involving multiple children, and with total exclusion of adults. I’m livid because the premise that a handful of 12 to 14 year olds thought they had the skills to determine the level of safety of other children. That not only did they lie to parents, hide information, and create a clique of secrecy disguised as a family, but that their actions literally put children’s lives in danger. I’m especially livid because one of the most affected children was my own. Actions that my child and other children took were enough to get them locked in a hospital without rights for weeks, but this group of children essentially convinced each other that they had everything under control and were in no hurry to fill adults in. It is obvious from those actions that despite what they’ve told themselves and each other, they do not value or respect their lives as much as any of the parents do. It is also a blatant action of disrespect to all of the parents involved. So yes, I am extremely hurt and angered over this situation.

  2. I am a mandatory reporter. Most parents know what that means, but for the kids really quick: It means that if I suspect that someone has been neglected or harmed, by themselves or others in an abusive situation, I am legally required to take appropriate action and then report to the appropriate governing agency. Usually, I work with elderly, but even if I am exposed to a situation involving a minor (someone under the age of 18) I still have to act. That means: IF I am ever aware of a child that is hurt or has been hurt, regardless of the cause, or I am aware of a child threatening suicide: I am legally required to get that child immediate medical attention, and then follow up with Child Protective Services/DHS what facts I know and whether or not the parents were present and who the child’s parent are, and if they weren’t present why/who was left in charge of that minor. The process when no physical harm has happened is a bit more forgiving, and doesn’t necessarily require government involvement immediately. All medical, public transportation, and school related employees are mandatory reporters and I will go into legal ramifications of this more in a moment.

The rest of the reasons I am doing this are because I have struggled with Depression myself, I have a bit of hands on working knowledge, if you will.

  1. So: Being a mandatory reporter and also struggling with depression creates an interesting dichotomy. If I lose control of my mental faculties I am to immediately remove myself from contact with most individuals, especially minors, and I rely on my network of support including: my husband Nathan, close friends, and co-workers; to determine if my state of being is severe enough to warrant a trip to the hospital, or if other means can be used to bring things under control and return me to my right mind. This has happened as recently as the 2 days surrounding the eclipse, where I reacted to the combination of a piece of Casey’s breakfast pizza and not enough sleep or exercise, so badly that I smashed my precious phone, and scared the crap out of my kids and friends.

  2. That bring me to the fourth reason: my depression battle started at 12, the same age as many of the kids involved here. My parents wanted to brush it off as a phase, as maybe something health related (they did take me to doctors, but didn’t try very hard for a genuine diagnosis or solution), they tried to brush it off as being just overly sensitive to bullies, and they tried to make me snap out of it. Obviously, all of those were the wrong answers because now I exist in a world of understanding and determination to bring understanding to others.

  3. That brings me to the 5th reason: Clinical Depression with suicidal thoughts is a very serious medical condition that can cause permanent irreparable damage and death, which you can’t take back. There is a difference between depression the emotion that passes after a short period, and the disease that attacks the brain and leaves people incapable of realizing they even need help, let alone who is the most effective source of help. For instance: Let’s talk about the time when I was 12 and thought about blowing out the pilot light on my parents gas stove and sitting with my head in the oven until I asphyxiated. It’s a good thing they never left home that day because they would have returned to a dead child at best and their house having exploded at worst. Or one of several times I’ve locked myself in bathrooms with a bottle of advil more likely to permanently damage my liver and heart than actually kill me. Or 3 years ago when Ian had just been born and I started driving my van toward a pylon at 90 miles an hour. You name it I’ve thought about it, and fortunately every time I have walked away because a tiny voice somewhere in the back of my mind told me it would hurt too much or that I might fail and that was worse. Those are bigger fears for me than death itself. In the end that self-protection mechanism is what has kept me alive for 22 years, but now I have tools that help make sure it will keep doing so.

SO, this is serious, and I am one of the best people to help you understand why. First I’ll start with legalities, then resulting cost issues, then I’ll talk about options and how it can be fixed.

Legal bits:

Minors age 12 to 18, in the state of Missouri, becomes a grey area because a minor in that age range can be left alone, but if they cause physical harm to themselves or others, the parents are going to be investigated anyway. It is presumed that the parent or legal guardian should have known their child was having trouble, and thus why would they leave them alone.

Another issue to consider, if a child does physical harm to themselves (cutting) or threatens suicide and a legal adult (anyone over the age of 18) is aware, and doesn’t take that child to the hospital or a doctor’s office; that legal adult can be charged with child endangerment and neglect and that can result in jail time. So, under that law, we adults all have a legal responsibility to take cutting and threats or thoughts of suicide very seriously, regardless of the context they are done in, if nothing more than for self preservation.

Does anyone know what happens to a cutter or suicidal minor in the state of Missouri?

If an adult seeks medical care for a child in that situation (which we’ve already discussed is legally required), that child is often admitted to the nearest hospital for up to 2 weeks for observation, diagnosis/classification, medication, therapy, and if needed restraint and 24 hour direct supervision. IF, that child is deemed safe enough to be relinquished to parental care, it might be less, but honestly everyone I’ve known to experience that, ended up with the whole 2 weeks. Usually, the excuse being that the doctors need to see if the medication will work. Translation here being: medications are an educated guessing game, and depending on your physiology some of them might not work, and some may make matters worse. Plus, usually depression medications don’t show full effect for 2 to 4 weeks, so the 2 weeks is really just a good start.

(The exception to this is if the child is taken directly to a psychologist or qualified therapist and the professional deems that the child is safe enough to remain in parental care and supervision while medications are tried.)

If a child is taken to the ER because of cutting and the damage was severe/life threatening, padded arm cuffs can be used as a restraint to attach the child to the hospital bed and prevent further self-harm. If that child proceeds to kick at medical staff or the assigned guardian-supervisor padded leg cuffs can be used as well. Does anyone like the idea of any of these children being strapped to a hospital bed for 2 weeks?

Now, that’s just what they can do, the medical force that is allowed to prevent a child from taking their own life.

What does that cost; in terms everyone understands?

A week of hospitalization care runs on average about $30,000. Nathan and I have both experienced this directly due to non-mental health issues. That is the cost of simply being in the hospital setting, receiving nursing care, having medications dosed, and being fed.

So 2 weeks would be $60,000, assuming that you don’t end up being restrained or having 24 hour supervision, those would cost extra.

So, what is $60,000.00?

(name) that would buy your mom’s boat.

(name) that could also buy a Tesela car.

(name) that could also by 30 of the beater cars like I drive.

(name), I could buy a tiny house and 2 acres of property for that.

(name), it means most average homes could convert to full solar power and have about $25grand left.

It could buy our homeschool group a computer classroom.

It could buy a permanent in-ground pool installed in your yard.

Do I need more examples, do you get it?

Why am I going on about the cost? How many parents know for certain that their insurance covers mental health hospitalization?

Sadly, the state of our current medical system dictates that even though all of this is legal reality, mental health is rarely covered. At best policies will cover a certain percentage or up to a certain dollar amount, but most policies don’t cover any mental health costs, except medications. I know that my policy won’t even cover most mental health prescriptions. That means if your minor ends up in the hospital you will be left holding a really big bill.

That’s not a very good option.

So, then what other options are there?

First, children can be honest with their parents, and if they are genuinely struggling, their parents can help them find a much less costly solution. The longer you avoid talking about real problems you are facing, the less likely you will come out the other side in a positive manner, and the more likely you will end up strapped to a bed or worse: dead.

There are a variety of therapy options including talk therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and even as extreme as shock therapy, which is still used, because in extreme cases it does work. Even low income solutions exist. The important thing is to get yourself to a qualified professional and list what you have tried, and let them know you are willing to try. Many professionals are willing to work with you, and can do a variety of therapies, before launching into attempting medications, if you start early before you’re in dire straights.

Last fall my co-workers let me know that my symptoms had gotten out of control and they connected me with the free/reduced clinic. (I’m pointing out here that it took multiple adults outside of myself to acknowledge that.) I filed income paperwork and they assigned me a supervised Grad student and medical doctor. My solution came in the form of a book (“The Depression Cure” by Dr. Ilardi) combined with cognitive behavioural therapy, and hypothyroid medication adjustments. Therapy was once a week for 14 weeks at no cost to me, there were 2 doctor visits at $10 each, and lab work for $20.00. (that clinic does not take minors, but there are still options available through other clinics.)

You see my particular brew of Clinical Depression is literally inflammation in the brain and thyroid damage because of food allergies bumping up against my hormones. My brain literally swells too big for the space it has, and my thyroid has been damaged so badly it is sluggish on a good day. I knew about the thyroid damage prior to therapy, and I knew that I had tried several things that helped to a degree, but no single one of them solved my problems entirely. The doctor helped me adjust medications which had actually gone too high, so that my thyroid symptoms backed off. Then the therapist worked with me to correct my mental patterns and fit all of my puzzle pieces together into something that when it’s maintained I feel great. If I keep everything together I have absolutely no symptoms of depression. But that’s the hard part, and it’s why I have a support team of my husband, friends and co-workers.

I keep myself sane by:

– watching what I eat, to do my best to avoid the food triggers that caused the inflammation and damage

-Getting enough sunlight, or artificial sunlight, to stimulate serotonin production, and brain function to help with mood issues

-getting enough sleep to encourage my body to heal existing damage, and allow inflammation to subside

-getting enough exercise for it’s anti-inflammatory properties as well as it’s body mending abilities

– and I take a whole bunch of pills that control thyroid function, that help fight the inflammation, that help balance my hormones, and finally that provide the necessary nutritional building blocks to repair damage and allow for better healthier brain function

All of this is the result of 22 years of trial and error, with the book filling in the blanks that I couldn’t figure out, and a therapist to guide me, and friends and family to support me.

Your kids could avoid at least some of that. If they really are struggling and you really take it seriously and work diligently with them, they could avoid any damage to their body and live happy lives. All at the cost of a $14 book and a couple of cheap supplements and better food and lifestyle choices.

However, that means that kids; you have to suck it up and start talking to your parents again. They are your parents, and they’ve stuck with you this long, it’s likely they will stick with you as long as they live, even if you frustrate them or anger them, they will still care about you. Besides:

  1. If your parents didn’t care they wouldn’t get angry over anything, and they especially wouldn’t support you daily or provide any one of the fun things they already  do.

  2. You’ll have to talk to adults in general, but especially your parents, your entire life.

  3. Having your parents get mad is better than ending up in a hospital strapped to a bed.

  4. The perceived trouble is always proportional to the severity of the problem and the amount of lies you told. The worse you allow something to get, the worse things can be, so the goal should be admit things more quickly for minimal impact- RIGHT!

It also means you need to cooperate, and when you are given information, do your best to work with that information and give it a solid chance to try and enable improvement. Nothing can help if you just look at a paper and set it aside, if you call everything pointless and stupid then you will be guaranteed to get the same results you already have.

It is really up to you if you want to get better, and I can tell you for certain that you can. Yet, if you don’t believe me, read the book. It’s called the Depression Cure for a reason, it works for over 90% of people struggling to stay alive.

Finally, the funniest man in America, Robin Williams, killed himself because of Depression. Depression is no joke.

Polyamory will not absolve you nor vanquish fears.

Lately, I have been struck many times with an overwhelming feeling of love for my husband and for my online friend. I sense many good things coming from that connection, though it seems to be definitely testing my patience greatly. Regardless, I know in my heart that I love them both, in a strong overwhelming, passionate way. That is truly amazing to me!

I have hypothesized for over a decade that it was possible to be “truly, madly, deeply” in love with multiple people. At certain points I found myself saying that I loved a partner in addition to Nathan, but thinking it was more of a familial love, not in love, not passionate and all consuming, not the kind of twitter-pated love which I was longing and looking for.

For you see, our hearts are as infinite with love as the Divine. We can love unconditionally as easily as waking up in the morning, if we allow ourselves. I know because it tends to be the thing that causes me grief. I give love freely. If someone shows me respect and contributes to my life in a meaningful manner, I almost can’t help loving them. They have shown me that they care enough to be genuine, honest, and helpful, and that wins my heart over every time. My heart is always inclined to reciprocate.

The grief comes in when I’m already over extended, already stretched too thin; and trying to accommodate one more request, one more thing that someone needs help with; simply because I have already put them in my heart. I find myself juggling an impossible task list making promises to those I love, those I’ve let in my heart, hoping beyond all hope that I will manage to get it all done in a timely fashion and before I collapse from lack of energy, all the while praying that great fortunes befall me so I can just pay for outside help to accomplish everything. That is my biggest source of continual grief.

Yet, in saying that I know that even when you love someone, you can’t guarantee that you’ll never let them down. I love my parents, I love my siblings, however, I know that at this point I am so different from them that my views alone have let them down. They expected me to be like them, and I will never be, nor would I want to. I am my own person, and in my universe: just because I have different views than they do, doesn’t mean that I should love them any less. I would welcome any of them into my home any day of the year (though I highly suspect they would cringe at the thought). For me love is enduring, even when things get rough. I still hold out hope for even the one brother that has hurt me repeatedly throughout our lives, I believe that maybe one day he’ll see the folly of his ways and wish to make amends. ‘Til that day comes I’ve chosen to send love from my heart, at a distance.

Beyond my physical family, I know I have let Nathan down repeatedly. He’ll never say it, but when my anger or depression wins and my brain goes on a very negative tangent I know that hurts him. The same with my kids. I will never be able to make up for the moments where my brain’s malfunction caused them pain and suffering.  I also cannot make up for our poverty, I have tried thousands of times over, but there is no way for me to fix their perspective that we are missing out on things that friends regularly get to partake in. Eventually when my kids are grown, I hope that they see I did my best, but it still leaves them disappointed in the present. All I can do is love them and continue to do the best I can.

AND I do still love x-partners. I love them as the very close friends that they were. I wish them well even though things didn’t work out between us. If I could have made things better in some way, I would have. I don’t hold the failed relationships as a reason to love them less. In fact I think that when relationships fail that is when people need more love, so I do my best to continue to send that love every time one of them crosses my mind. As human beings, they deserve it. Yet, I acknowledge that the love I’m sending them now is like the love for a distant relative that you see occasionally, but probably would not call out of the blue. They are a part of you, but not necessarily pertinent to your daily life, and I love them as such.

So then, if I have several of these past relationships that failed, and the love I feel for them is so muted, why keep trying and holding onto the idea of Polyamory?

Simply because I want love to win.

I want that passionate love to overrun me, and wash all the negative life experiences to the extreme background. I want to feel a passion so intense I can’t think of anything else, especially my worries. I want to know that there are others that feel the same about me.

And I do. I know for certain that Nathan does. We love each other so deeply we feel each other from a distance, we complete each other’s thoughts, and we know when the other is in pain- feeling each other’s headaches and even body aches. It is a love that is so intense and so amazing that I have managed to fight depression for 15 years because of it. IT keeps me going, and it makes me want to cling to Nathan forever. I know our souls are connected deeply and I know his support has literally kept me alive. I am so utterly grateful for him, and words are not nearly enough for how I feel about him.

Now I have an inkling of that same intensity with the man online. I can feel him, not 100% and not all of the time, but I know I can. I have been gifted with many, many messages about him, not all of which I even understand, and that brings an excitement to me I’m relishing in. That the other side would put the effort into trying to convey something about him to me, means that he is special in some way. A way that I can’t wait to find out. I just need more patience- as the other side told me, by playing a song I’d never heard before, while driving my route. It was  Guns N’ Roses “Patience”.

And that is where the title comes in: I worry. I have fears. I carry Guilt.

Polyamory doesn’t fix that.

For instance Nathan is older than I by a fair amount. I worry about him dieing, which I know is inevitable some day. We all will die at some point. However, I worry like it is tomorrow. I worry about all of the bad things that could happen if I lost him. It wrenches my heart and I have to play the new anti-rumination game to convince myself that I’m all worked up over nothing. It makes me cling even harder some days.

I have fears about things not working out with/for my online friend. That he wont find a solution to his conundrum, that the relationship won’t develop like I’ve seen, that he will curtail things and sever the connection before we’ve even gotten to really test any possibilities.

I am ever afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing, with either of them, and possibly causing them both to want to run for the hills. I feel guilt over not being a better mom and wife. I feel guilt about our financial woes and housing situation. I feel guilty that I have inadvertently pressured my beau at times, even though it was far from my intention.

These are all parts of the negative feedback loop in my brain that has so carefully constructed itself over the 34 years I have lived. Polyamory has nothing to do with the fears, worries, and guilt being in me. I am the sole cause. However, polyamory doesn’t help either, it merely amplifies what is already there. You think you worry when you have one husband you deeply care about. Multiply that by 2 people and you get twice the worry. So, my homework of late has been to ramp up the anti-rumination. Knowing I have a long standing pattern to break, means lots of homework and massive amounts of practice. One little thought at a time, for who knows how many days or weeks or years. Ugh.

I gradually replace the worries, the fears, the thoughts of guilt, with more positive thoughts of what I hope might one day  be. Not only does it help me feel better in the moment, but it helps me to keep my brain in good working order. It seems each day that I think good thoughts of the future, it seems to get just a tiny bit easier to do that and eliminate rumination. I’m so grateful to my therapist and the book “The Depression Cure” for this skill. It brings hope that one day maybe my brain will heal and I’ll never struggle with anger/rage/depression ever again. When that day comes it will make the struggles of my journey worth it, at least for myself and my world view.

Depression: Shared & my experience.

I read THIS BLOG POST back in September when it was written. It struck close to home for me. The quote at the beginning was what resonated the most for me. When you’re really struggling, it does become about what is most frightening: continuing to live with the disease; or escaping through the route of suicide with unknown consequences, but with which comes a certainty of escaping the symptoms of the disease- the ultimate final end.

Being a new-agey type, having alternative beliefs to much of society, I spend a lot of time around people that think you can just think your way out of depression with the power of the law of attraction. Think happy thoughts and you’ll be happy.

As I’m discovering, that is hardly right.

The book I’m Reading, which was provided by my therapist, has been super helpful.

See It Here:

The Deression Cure by Dr. Stephen Ilardi

It really gets to the heart of the matter. There is a distinct difference between the emotion “Depression ” listed at the lowest position #22 on the emotional guidance scale, and the clinical disease with the common umbrella term of the same name.

The emotion Dr. Ilardi points out, is often a short lived disposition, the feeling place of something very difficult having happened in your life experience. It serves a role in the grief process and can help us make sense of elements within our life journey.

The disease, though it shares many characteristics of which the feelings and emotions are definitely present, is a much more sinister and all consuming state of being often with a medical cause.

As I wrote in my previous post, it seems a major factor for me is Inflammation- possibly because of my severe allergies, but also possibly [as Dr. Ilardi posits] simply due to an imbalance of Anti-Inflammatory Omega 3’s-thus diet related. Regardless, the most basic mechanism at play is that the inflammation is happening in the brain, literally causing a build-up of pressure on the brain, and causing it to malfunction.

Since starting therapy, reading the book, and taking action steps to adjust my diet and lifestyle choices. I can honestly say there is definitely a connection. Dr. Ilardi lays out 6 areas of lifestyle choices and swears that making very specific adjustments to those areas will result in reducing inflammation and essentially curing clinical depression.

Now, I’m not fully through the book. Still reading, but I’m working on making positive changes weekly, if not daily. One of the areas, meaningful social interactions, I felt pretty good about. I haven’t gotten to that chapter yet, but I know my friends are large factor as to why I’ve gotten as far as I have. I’ve never quit interacting with them or our home-school group, and I am grateful that they have literally held me and walked me through some of my rough days.

So first, was to go back on my strict version of the Pregnancy Diet (I plan on detailing what that means for me at some point soon). Second, was I started exercising again. I aim for 3 times a week, but some weeks I’ve managed 4 times. 3rd: I started taking fish oil. The book walks through how to determine how much to take depending on the nutrition label of the supplement you choose. For me that’s 6 a day, but occaisonally I feel the need for a 7th one (usually when I know I’ve made bad food choices). I mostly remember to do this, because in my morning routine I put all my supplements and allergy/thyroid meds into a pill box. The trick is remembering my lunch and dinner doses, and I do sometimes forget to take them.

Then I re-introduced light therapy. I had done light therapy in college, and for a while after graduating. It was when I was working in cubicle land and experiencing a severe bout of seasonal depression. At that time I simply had a high wattage bulb in a desk lamp that I aimed at my face the entire time I was working. This time however, my therapist gave me some tips to  ensure optimal results. It apparently needs to be above eye level aimed downward at a minimum of 30degrees. The higher the watts the better. And if you do 30 to 60 min of light in the first hour after waking it works best- gets you a really good kick start. I’ve been successfully remembering all that about 2/3 rd’s of the time for about 2 weeks.

The one element I’m struggling with is sleep hygiene. As of the first of the year I had adjusted my schedule to accomodate a 7 day paper route for extra income. It’s roughly 3 hours of work a night, and equals a little over half of what my current massage work comes out to. So, it’ll end up not quite doubling our family income. The schedule adjustment would have been fine if the papers were reliably on time. As I’m discovering what is actually the case, is that they rarely are. So, where I’d allotted myself 6 to 7 hours a night/morning during a fairly steady window. In actuality, I’m getting more like 4.5 to 6 hours of  sleep. It’s the same time frame each day, which is good, but I’m simply not getting enough. Nathan has offered to remedy this by doing the route by himself at least most of the time. I worry about a black man with dreds  (& heart disease) tooling around rural Missouri in the middle of the night, every night, so I’ll still be helping as often as I can manage. I don’t know what I would do if he died on route by himself, especially if it was at the end of someone’s gun. However, that being said, I think I’m not going to argue, as I desperately need more sleep each night.

As it happens, the sleep manifests fairly quickly for me. I get super cranky super fast, and I nose dive into depression when my minimal energy reserves run out. I also start having disjointed and incomplete thought processes. It makes for very difficult communication. So, the last 13 days have been fairly roller coaster like for me. Last night though, Nathan went out alone, so I’m doing better today.

That being said, even at my most sleep deprived, the last 2 weeks has been better than prior to Thanksgiving. I’m not 100% better, not “cured” yet, but I’m better enough to acknowledge that Dr. Ilardi’s TLC program is working. When I’ve had sleep I feel great. Even if I’ve had most of a nights sleep I still manage. That to me is huge, because before Thanksgiving that wasn’t happening.

And that is where the Law of Attraction has been able to come back in. Now that I can see my bad days for being related to sleep, diet, or exercise; I am now able to tell myself “It’s ok, I am where I am becasue of ___ and it will be short lived, this isn’t permanent, it’s meerly a side effect of certain choices catching up to me.” I am able to dig out with phrases like that, at least enough to function. I am able to keep myself going, and to make better choices to help pull out of the nose dive.

Those same phrases with untreated depression, when I had no idea that things were compounding to create inflammation in my brain, were worthless. Positive thoughts would bounce off of me, or flat off piss me off, I had trouble thinking even remotely positively when I was untreated. My brain was so inflamed it wasn’t able to make those connections, I wasn’t able to think straight. I had trouble communicating every day, loosing important things, and melting down at every turn. I simply had no idea that my emotional hurting, my mental hurting was because of very real physical pain caused by inflammation  in my brain.

So I write this in hopes that everyone dealing with depression can read this book. Put it into practice, and begin to heal their brain and their lives. I know I’m on my way there, even if I can’t see the finish line yet.

I hope one day to see every medical practitioner, from CNA to RN to midwife to MD to PhD, tell people about TLC. I have seen literally dozens, possibly over a hundred medical professionals, in my 22 years of struggling with depression. Those medical professionals half-ass-ed my thyroid, failed to treat it, but often offered psych meds. When in reality the thyroid was literally not even half of a larger issue, and failure to treat the whole package is why I’ve struggled with depression for those 22 years, and nearly lost my life to it several times over. IT could have been avoided all-together- if the first doctor being told I’d gained weight and was struggling with depression had genuinely dealt with my thyroid on a unique basis and utilized TLC to treat the rest of my life.

Although that makes me angry to contemplate the hazardous effects it had on my life, I’m more angry that it isn’t being corrected. We continue to crank out doctors, nurses, and all manner of medical professionals, that turn around and create assembly line medication stations instead of actually listening to patients and putting available knowledge to good use to figure out a puzzle and actually provide a real solution. Living on meds that merely mask chronic disease symptoms somewhat while additionally causing side-effects,  then planning to do that for the rest of your life, is not a solution.

That being said, neither option is cheap. I spend approximately $270/month on my Allopathic medications: Fast-acting Inhaler, nebulizer solution, Oral-Steriod (cumulative effect) Inhaler, Zyrtec, Singulair, and Desiccated Thyroid. I spend that much or more on quality supplements that I have seen the benefits from. I continue to take the ones that I’ve watched drop blood sugars. I continue to take magnesium because I have watched leg cramps disappear, and my stress levels drop. I take a good quality multivitamin to avoid all my allergens. I take a good methylated B-complex, with extra p-5-p and 5HTP, because I noticed significant mood improvements before TLC was even a possibility for me. And yes, it’s all very expensive, but I would have lost the battle long ago without them. I am utterly grateful they got me through when none of the doctors did. Perhaps one day, when I’ve mastered TLC, I can eliminate the need for all of it. It’s a process though, my sugars are still high, and I’m still having allergies and asthma symptoms, so for now I keep doing what I’m doing. One step at a time, one little improvement at a time.

On a final note. If you have ever lost someone you cared about to suicide, please stop for a moment and realize how much pain they were in. Think just for a second, did you ever try to genuinely help them, did you offer a ride to a clinic, did you do any research, did you make suggestions in a real hands on “lets try to beat this” approach? IF you had really cared you would have acknowledged their pain. I don’t care if it’s invisible or not, it’s still pain. When someone is in pain, our natural inclination should be to do our best to help, not offer “think positive, it’ll get better” or “think of your family”, those are neither helpful attempts at a possible solution, nor acknowledgement of very real pain. You wouldn’t offer “think positive” to someone with a broken leg, and you wouldn’t tell someone with cancer to “think of their family”. Yet when you do that to someone with clinical depression you are accomplishing both situations. Heaven forbid, you actually did loose someone to suicide, and still choose to blame them. If they were hurting enough to choose suicide, then their pain was unimaginably unbearable, and my heart goes out to them for their suffering, not to you for your loss. What could you have done to acknowledge their pain, and attempt to help find a real solution, and would they still be alive if you had? My own family has no clue that they were almost the ones that missed this message. I no longer talk to or associate with most of my biological family for that very reason. I’ve also lost potential friends in realizing they had no clue, blaming me for being depressed. A depressed person never wants to continually  live with the horrendous pain they bear, yet as a society that is what we have come to expect.

Be different, be the one that actively attempts to help someone out of their pain. Help them find Dr. Ilardi’s book, help find a therapist, if they are having finaincial difficulties help them fill out assistance forms,  if they need transportation see if you or someone you know can give them a ride, help them make TLC changes by being their “buddy system”. You will make at least that person’s life better, and may actually save them from  having to choose between a lifetime of horrible pain or death. They will know you care, because you will have shown it in real-time practical help.