Tag Archives: depression

Ouch!

Watch “Abraham Hicks đź’“ Let FUN guide you [NEW]” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/1sYIZMsL01M.

I’m so very guilty of this. Guess I understand at least part of why the last 3 years has gone the way it has. I really need figure out how to stay-permanently- on the positive vortex side.

It’s funny: scaring off people I really like on one hand; & introducing other friends to polyamory & law of attraction on the other hand (I’ve discovered different friends have gravitated to one or the other in the last couple of years, & I was the one that introduced the concepts). I literally told Nathan when he informed me of that: “Why the hell do I keep helping others find things I have yet to fully figure out for myself?!”

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As for me:

I just keep getting better and better at solving a never ending slew of problems. Nursing is slowly resolving: they went ahead and clipped Katherine’s tongue-tie even though the front was mild, with a disclaimer that since it wasn’t bad it might not solve things, & the rear may be more significant, but also more costly to clip. It’s solved maybe 70% of the pain. The other 30% is very, very slowly backing off as my nipples heal. I really wish I could speed that process up more, but I’ve been told its going quickly compared to others with that much damage- probably because all the goop I’m using repeatedly. I’m also in the midst of figuring out adrenal & thyroid balance post birth to put an end to the emotional nose dives and roller coaster ride I’ve been on for the last 3 weeks. Nursing problems or not, I knew the extreme falls were needing an extra look, & my last 2 tweaks seem to have made significant headway.

Now I just need to get into the doc to renew my desicated thyroid prescription.

I do wish though that Dr. Illardi would revisit his Depression Cure book with postpartum needs and situations in mind, that puzzle could use his perspective. I’ve had a heck of a time trying to apply his findings to “eat when they eat, sleep when they sleep” new baby logic, while still attempting to retain the allergy needs dictated by 3rd trimester, trying to stimulate lactation, having difficulty with severe breast pain, and not being able to leave my room half as much as I’d prefer. It’s a puzzle that has already threatened to get the better of me, but as usual I’m fighting with all I’ve got.

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In other news:

The basement is also coming along well. Our “living room”/ multipurpose room is nearly complete, and we’re finally working on unpacking things beyond clothing.

The storage area behind the brown chair will eventually get covered with a curtain. That is once I’m certain the crack in the ceiling no longer leaks when it rains.

My child already made friends with the Lego’s in the new open floor space, but there is still room for 2 pieces of exercise equipment, a large dog kennel (blue sheeted cube) , & stacked tables for organizing short term storage & usables.

The other table currently a mess, is intended for being art space, and most (but not all) of what is on it is art supplies. To that end I fully intend to sort & organize to actually be able to use it for its intended purpose.

Nathan’s goal has been to tackle organizing our portion of kitchen stuff in the garage & to make the garage usable space again. He’s about three quarters of the way through that process, but it looks a ton better and you can actually walk around in the garage now (as opposed to squeezing through & still being afraid of tripping, like it was a couple of weeks ago).

It’s starting to feel like home, and to that end we’re getting closer to having everything moved. Nathan’s down to missed odds and ends, & the large outdoor items. Life is finally starting to seem normal again, and things are beginning to look pretty again. That I have to thank the gods for. I asked Kali almost 3 years ago to help me make things pretty again (when I hit the remodeling-brick-walls with the trailer), and it’s finally beginning to take shape, just not the way I thought it would. SO not the way I envisioned.

Anyway, Hannah is giving the home a glorious garden. She helped me rescue plants I’d started the previous 2 years. & those combined with her plants from before, her amazing touch, a bunch of seeds, and a few new plants, things are looking great.

The view of the Iris’ from our room is wonderful too.

Finally, I’ve made cards for a couple of people that were very generous with me this year, birthday & baby wise. I was going to make a 3rd, but that person is nearly blind, so I’m not sure yet how to honor her generosity. Beyond that, it’s taken me over a month, but I’m almost done with an adult coloring page I’m in love with- an elephant.

I can’t take full credit for the cards, the cats were inspired by a single kitty I saw somewhere, & the cover words were also found. I just put my personal touch on it, crafting it with watercolors on heavy art paper, feeling like that meant more than a store bought card. I hope they feel the same way when they get them.

——–

So up, and down, and all around.

My husband and Hannah both keep telling me that I’m amazing & should be congratulating myself. I still have difficulty seeing it, knowing the thousands of things I would still like to accomplish. I do have my moments where I’m like “Yeah I’m a bad-ass giving birth and all the challenges and I’m still trucking with a healthy beautiful baby to-boot”. I just wish I could figure out how to maintain those moments consistently without seeming like or sounding like a narcissistic bastard… Yes that is a fear of mine. Yet another challenge. …

My last request for the day: one less challenge to overcome, let something be easy for once. Let a something, for everyone, be easy for once.

*Siva Hir Su.*

Caring too much.

I’ve been running long & hard for weeks.

This week I struggle with caring too much on several topics.

There’s what used to be my favorite building, failing to pay me for months and months and when I finally was done asking nicely they literally looked for reasons to weasel out of payment. I had to involve corporate which not only ate hours of my sleep compiling everything from my side for the corporate office, but also irritated me and made me anxious. I hate having to get pushy and vocal with people, but I will when necessary. It emotionally sucked because this was a building that was my longest standing contract of nearly 5 years, having been my favorite for 3 of those. I even recommended the building to a client at another decent building, and kicked myself later when things changed for the worse. 

I felt my recommendation was based on genuine good standing interactions and after the family moved the person there, everything changed and was not what I told the family. I apologized profusely to that family, explaining that I didn’t know the changes were coming, but the damage was done. He was dieing and they felt they couldn’t risk moving him again. I felt the changes that caused misgivings reflected poorly on me because I gave the family my word that it was a good facility. I am now wary of recommending any facility for fear of that happening again. Yet I’m most angry that I was put in that position, and they still don’t want to pay me for work I already did. I fulfilled my obligations in full, on time, and with extras I didn’t charge for. I didn’t even charge them interest or late fees for nonpayment. I took one for the team and they can’t even pay basic compensation. It’s really gotten under my skin.

Another thing I’m working through is how to process insults from residents. The residents are protected legally and staff have very strict and rigid ways we are allowed to interact. I think on some level the residents know this because they seem to frequently get verbally abusive of me, and really anything or anyone they don’t like. I’m not used, to not being the favorite person, like when I’m doing massage. Yet we’re supposed to treat them as if we are visitors in their home, but there are no protections for our treatment short of a resident being physically abusive to employees. In two and a half months I’ve been sworn at numerous times, and one resident in particular seems bent on insulting me as many ways as she can think of. I’m just supposed to smile and keep moving. Everything gets blamed on dementia, but I suspect that the one woman knows very well she’s insulting me, as she has very mild symptoms of the disease otherwise. Because of that knowledge there have been several times I’ve hid to cry, and several evenings I’ve left work hating the world to spend the rest of my waking hours convincing myself it’s not that bad.

It still doesn’t help that I’m not getting enough sunlight, and still frequently missing my exercise and sleep (especially with the payment battle). All of this as the holiday season is getting into full swing and we’re still not moved.

I find I am fighting the urge to beat up on myself about all these, yet more perceived failures. Fighting depression with everything I’ve got. Losing frequently when no-one is looking.

Today I resorted to playing a Louise Hay video on YouTube for daily devotional, more for myself than them, but I have to say I hoped it sunk into the one lady’s head even just a little. If you’d like a little pick-up, watch it here. I know it was a good reminder for me and I’m going to refocus some of my mental energy on her suggestions. I was already familiar with them, but have lapsed on my practice for quite some time. It can’t hurt, yet another tool for finding some happy in what sometimes seems like a very dismal world.

May you all be buoyant and find your happy this holiday season.

 I will be working on my holiday, Yule, but will have my parent’s (and much of America’s) holiday, Christmas, off.  Hopefully we’ll be moved with enough time to actually get some decorations up before either holiday. Pretty things always help me perk up some. Getting moved and finding some level of “normal” would help too.

Missing puzzle pieces.

“Only miss the sun when it starts to snow”- Passenger “Let Her Go”

It seems my puzzle has crumbled and I’m struggling to attempt to put it back together. Between longer nights with shorter days, cold weather, too little exercise, too little sleep, pregnancy hormones, and feeling generally overwhelmed, my puzzle has completely fallen apart.

I saw it happening, but felt helpless to stop it because most of the pieces were currently out of my control. How do you keep your needs met when things out of your control are major contributing factors? I’m still not sure I have the answer, though I’m working on an attempt.

The straw that broke the camels back was relationship strife. I was generally feeling like I was putting more into relationships than I was receiving in return. I fought with my husband twice. My online Beau quit writing again. I was generally feeling overwhelmed and alone, and like no one was valuing my efforts by demonstrating equal efforts.

I knew I’d fallen in the hole despite my best efforts not to.

My climb out is difficult and arduous. I can see the top, but just can’t seem to reach it.

I can’t fix the sun disappearing, but I’m doing my best to figure out how to get more artificial light. 

The driving hours on end was threatening to prevent light therapy and exercise and sleep, all in one fell swoop. So I’ve taken to staying in the city at all costs. 

Not wanting to overstay my welcome with friends, I’ve now slept in my car once, and then in my “office” once. My office is more a storage closet with a small desk, but the floor is big enough for a mat, so that’s what I did. There was also a part of me that acknowledged that I’m not good company right now, and I just couldn’t find the energy to be social to acknowledge the graciousness of my friends allowing me to stay with them. So in my brain the car or storage closet was better than having to put happy face on, and not having to worry about others hearing me cry in the middle of the night. I feel ashamed for having fallen in the hole when I know what my puzzle is, just because I failed to maintain it.

Additionally, staying in the city, I’m not necessarily saving any money because what I would have spent on fuel was spent on food. However, it has meant I have gotten more exercise and more sleep.

 I have yet to find a solution to get more light therapy. I’ve thought about putting a light somewhere at work, but finding a place to mount it that’s the right hight and location for more than 30 min of my day seems to be the biggest challenge. I’m trying to figure out if I can find a clamp light that I could take with me from room to room, but I’m just not sure if I will be able to find mounting locations at the right height.

There has to be a solution somewhere, but once your brain is struggling it’s extra hard to figure out the solutions.

I keep hoping that my husband finds a new home soon, because that would be the overall solution for everything. However, it seems like pulling teeth to get him moving faster. It’s not that he’s not trying, it’s just he doesn’t get how to manage time efficiently and maximize his days to get the most done. I’ve tried to explain how I juggle things, thousands of times over, even providing others’ websites for guides, but he still has days where he spends all day making a few phone calls and doing a handful of mineal activities, not actually accomplishing anything significant. Then when I point out that something has been being asked of him for 2 or 3 months he gets defensive and tries to argue with me. I just don’t know how to encourage more efficiency and speediness in his actions.

I truly understand the old adage “men, you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them”. I love him, and would be devastated if he were gone, but I’m at my wits end and just need him to have things done. All the way, moved, settled and my puzzle solved so that I can get back out of my hole. 

I hate being in the hole, it’s not fun, and especially knowing the cause and solution. I find I’m extra upset that I can’t get out. I need relief, something fierce.

Abrahams’ quote today was:

“Get so fixated on what you want, that you drown out any vibration or reverberation that has anything to do with what you do not want.”
This blog post has not been that, but now that I’ve vented/explained my-self-state, it’s my hope that I will be able to refocus on those things I do want. As I’ve mentioned before, once I feel like I’m heard, I can often release things enough to get my brain on to other better topics. Hopefully this follows true.

My topics of choice:

New home close to work with new Ikea beds, more sleep, more exercise, and more light. At this point it looks like a rental will be the solution for now, just needing to find the right/best one.

Better relations with hubby and Beau.

Moving toward progress, saving money for baby and Atira.

Hopefully moving toward miracles. Even being depressed my brain occasionally reminds me of good visions I’ve had in the past, especially the one where I’m holding baby (3rd child) standing outside the dome with my family. If that vision of over 9 years is accurate, there’s likely a miracle inbound. I’m doing my best to refocus on that today, if my brain will cooperate with me just a little bit.

Please keep me/us in your prayers and send us good thoughts of progress. I’ll keep fighting like I always have, just another hash mark on the battle board. I haven’t lost the depression war yet, in 22 years of fighting, so even though I face my doubts of that regularly, I feel like I’ll eventually win the war for once and for all.

Rawr!

This is going to be post one of two today. This one because I feel the need to share and release (hopefully finally) a huge negative. The next post will be much more positive.

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The pre-teens & teens in the homeschool group went stupid. They’re actions could have lead to someone’s death if not for one older smart child, as it is only a handful actually hurt themselves physically. Yet in the aftermath I feel like all the parents want to treat them with kid gloves. The only difference between them getting off the hook now and being in jail for child endangerment is merely 4 years difference in age. Yet the parents want to be ever so cautious in how they convey information life they are afraid of their own children. They really should be more afraid of the consequences of not getting through their thick skulls quickly.

Anyway, I had written the following as a speech I’d intended to deliver at our teen night. Nathan forbade me not wanting to loose friends. I however, went ahead and supplied it to parents via email, where I got exactly the typical response. “This might be too harsh for my baby, I should have the right to tell them how I see fit.” Well OK. I warned you, I gave you resources, I gave the opportunity for help. If your child hurts themselves further I’m off the hook. I did what I could.

…. So, for any other parent that might be dealing with something similar, feel free to share this with your child. That is if you’re not afraid of scaring sense into them. Hopefully since I’m dealing with a bunch of chicken whimps wanting to baby and coddle their children, this speech might help someone else. It’d be nice to know that someone somewhere cares enough about their kids to take swift, appropriately  intense action to wake theirs kids up before their brains completely shut down.

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Hi everyone, I’m going to keep this as short and to the point as I can. It has been brought to my attention by more than one person that there is unhealthy discussions and actions in our group regarding Depression, Suicide, and cutting. My goal here is to correct that and create a space where everyone understands and utilizes more healthy approaches to the topic.

Why me, why am I the one doing this? 5 reasons:

  1. I am outright angry, no livid, that this has been happening for months involving multiple children, and with total exclusion of adults. I’m livid because the premise that a handful of 12 to 14 year olds thought they had the skills to determine the level of safety of other children. That not only did they lie to parents, hide information, and create a clique of secrecy disguised as a family, but that their actions literally put children’s lives in danger. I’m especially livid because one of the most affected children was my own. Actions that my child and other children took were enough to get them locked in a hospital without rights for weeks, but this group of children essentially convinced each other that they had everything under control and were in no hurry to fill adults in. It is obvious from those actions that despite what they’ve told themselves and each other, they do not value or respect their lives as much as any of the parents do. It is also a blatant action of disrespect to all of the parents involved. So yes, I am extremely hurt and angered over this situation.

  2. I am a mandatory reporter. Most parents know what that means, but for the kids really quick: It means that if I suspect that someone has been neglected or harmed, by themselves or others in an abusive situation, I am legally required to take appropriate action and then report to the appropriate governing agency. Usually, I work with elderly, but even if I am exposed to a situation involving a minor (someone under the age of 18) I still have to act. That means: IF I am ever aware of a child that is hurt or has been hurt, regardless of the cause, or I am aware of a child threatening suicide: I am legally required to get that child immediate medical attention, and then follow up with Child Protective Services/DHS what facts I know and whether or not the parents were present and who the child’s parent are, and if they weren’t present why/who was left in charge of that minor. The process when no physical harm has happened is a bit more forgiving, and doesn’t necessarily require government involvement immediately. All medical, public transportation, and school related employees are mandatory reporters and I will go into legal ramifications of this more in a moment.

The rest of the reasons I am doing this are because I have struggled with Depression myself, I have a bit of hands on working knowledge, if you will.

  1. So: Being a mandatory reporter and also struggling with depression creates an interesting dichotomy. If I lose control of my mental faculties I am to immediately remove myself from contact with most individuals, especially minors, and I rely on my network of support including: my husband Nathan, close friends, and co-workers; to determine if my state of being is severe enough to warrant a trip to the hospital, or if other means can be used to bring things under control and return me to my right mind. This has happened as recently as the 2 days surrounding the eclipse, where I reacted to the combination of a piece of Casey’s breakfast pizza and not enough sleep or exercise, so badly that I smashed my precious phone, and scared the crap out of my kids and friends.

  2. That bring me to the fourth reason: my depression battle started at 12, the same age as many of the kids involved here. My parents wanted to brush it off as a phase, as maybe something health related (they did take me to doctors, but didn’t try very hard for a genuine diagnosis or solution), they tried to brush it off as being just overly sensitive to bullies, and they tried to make me snap out of it. Obviously, all of those were the wrong answers because now I exist in a world of understanding and determination to bring understanding to others.

  3. That brings me to the 5th reason: Clinical Depression with suicidal thoughts is a very serious medical condition that can cause permanent irreparable damage and death, which you can’t take back. There is a difference between depression the emotion that passes after a short period, and the disease that attacks the brain and leaves people incapable of realizing they even need help, let alone who is the most effective source of help. For instance: Let’s talk about the time when I was 12 and thought about blowing out the pilot light on my parents gas stove and sitting with my head in the oven until I asphyxiated. It’s a good thing they never left home that day because they would have returned to a dead child at best and their house having exploded at worst. Or one of several times I’ve locked myself in bathrooms with a bottle of advil more likely to permanently damage my liver and heart than actually kill me. Or 3 years ago when Ian had just been born and I started driving my van toward a pylon at 90 miles an hour. You name it I’ve thought about it, and fortunately every time I have walked away because a tiny voice somewhere in the back of my mind told me it would hurt too much or that I might fail and that was worse. Those are bigger fears for me than death itself. In the end that self-protection mechanism is what has kept me alive for 22 years, but now I have tools that help make sure it will keep doing so.

SO, this is serious, and I am one of the best people to help you understand why. First I’ll start with legalities, then resulting cost issues, then I’ll talk about options and how it can be fixed.

Legal bits:

Minors age 12 to 18, in the state of Missouri, becomes a grey area because a minor in that age range can be left alone, but if they cause physical harm to themselves or others, the parents are going to be investigated anyway. It is presumed that the parent or legal guardian should have known their child was having trouble, and thus why would they leave them alone.

Another issue to consider, if a child does physical harm to themselves (cutting) or threatens suicide and a legal adult (anyone over the age of 18) is aware, and doesn’t take that child to the hospital or a doctor’s office; that legal adult can be charged with child endangerment and neglect and that can result in jail time. So, under that law, we adults all have a legal responsibility to take cutting and threats or thoughts of suicide very seriously, regardless of the context they are done in, if nothing more than for self preservation.

Does anyone know what happens to a cutter or suicidal minor in the state of Missouri?

If an adult seeks medical care for a child in that situation (which we’ve already discussed is legally required), that child is often admitted to the nearest hospital for up to 2 weeks for observation, diagnosis/classification, medication, therapy, and if needed restraint and 24 hour direct supervision. IF, that child is deemed safe enough to be relinquished to parental care, it might be less, but honestly everyone I’ve known to experience that, ended up with the whole 2 weeks. Usually, the excuse being that the doctors need to see if the medication will work. Translation here being: medications are an educated guessing game, and depending on your physiology some of them might not work, and some may make matters worse. Plus, usually depression medications don’t show full effect for 2 to 4 weeks, so the 2 weeks is really just a good start.

(The exception to this is if the child is taken directly to a psychologist or qualified therapist and the professional deems that the child is safe enough to remain in parental care and supervision while medications are tried.)

If a child is taken to the ER because of cutting and the damage was severe/life threatening, padded arm cuffs can be used as a restraint to attach the child to the hospital bed and prevent further self-harm. If that child proceeds to kick at medical staff or the assigned guardian-supervisor padded leg cuffs can be used as well. Does anyone like the idea of any of these children being strapped to a hospital bed for 2 weeks?

Now, that’s just what they can do, the medical force that is allowed to prevent a child from taking their own life.

What does that cost; in terms everyone understands?

A week of hospitalization care runs on average about $30,000. Nathan and I have both experienced this directly due to non-mental health issues. That is the cost of simply being in the hospital setting, receiving nursing care, having medications dosed, and being fed.

So 2 weeks would be $60,000, assuming that you don’t end up being restrained or having 24 hour supervision, those would cost extra.

So, what is $60,000.00?

(name) that would buy your mom’s boat.

(name) that could also buy a Tesela car.

(name) that could also by 30 of the beater cars like I drive.

(name), I could buy a tiny house and 2 acres of property for that.

(name), it means most average homes could convert to full solar power and have about $25grand left.

It could buy our homeschool group a computer classroom.

It could buy a permanent in-ground pool installed in your yard.

Do I need more examples, do you get it?

Why am I going on about the cost? How many parents know for certain that their insurance covers mental health hospitalization?

Sadly, the state of our current medical system dictates that even though all of this is legal reality, mental health is rarely covered. At best policies will cover a certain percentage or up to a certain dollar amount, but most policies don’t cover any mental health costs, except medications. I know that my policy won’t even cover most mental health prescriptions. That means if your minor ends up in the hospital you will be left holding a really big bill.

That’s not a very good option.

So, then what other options are there?

First, children can be honest with their parents, and if they are genuinely struggling, their parents can help them find a much less costly solution. The longer you avoid talking about real problems you are facing, the less likely you will come out the other side in a positive manner, and the more likely you will end up strapped to a bed or worse: dead.

There are a variety of therapy options including talk therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and even as extreme as shock therapy, which is still used, because in extreme cases it does work. Even low income solutions exist. The important thing is to get yourself to a qualified professional and list what you have tried, and let them know you are willing to try. Many professionals are willing to work with you, and can do a variety of therapies, before launching into attempting medications, if you start early before you’re in dire straights.

Last fall my co-workers let me know that my symptoms had gotten out of control and they connected me with the free/reduced clinic. (I’m pointing out here that it took multiple adults outside of myself to acknowledge that.) I filed income paperwork and they assigned me a supervised Grad student and medical doctor. My solution came in the form of a book (“The Depression Cure” by Dr. Ilardi) combined with cognitive behavioural therapy, and hypothyroid medication adjustments. Therapy was once a week for 14 weeks at no cost to me, there were 2 doctor visits at $10 each, and lab work for $20.00. (that clinic does not take minors, but there are still options available through other clinics.)

You see my particular brew of Clinical Depression is literally inflammation in the brain and thyroid damage because of food allergies bumping up against my hormones. My brain literally swells too big for the space it has, and my thyroid has been damaged so badly it is sluggish on a good day. I knew about the thyroid damage prior to therapy, and I knew that I had tried several things that helped to a degree, but no single one of them solved my problems entirely. The doctor helped me adjust medications which had actually gone too high, so that my thyroid symptoms backed off. Then the therapist worked with me to correct my mental patterns and fit all of my puzzle pieces together into something that when it’s maintained I feel great. If I keep everything together I have absolutely no symptoms of depression. But that’s the hard part, and it’s why I have a support team of my husband, friends and co-workers.

I keep myself sane by:

– watching what I eat, to do my best to avoid the food triggers that caused the inflammation and damage

-Getting enough sunlight, or artificial sunlight, to stimulate serotonin production, and brain function to help with mood issues

-getting enough sleep to encourage my body to heal existing damage, and allow inflammation to subside

-getting enough exercise for it’s anti-inflammatory properties as well as it’s body mending abilities

– and I take a whole bunch of pills that control thyroid function, that help fight the inflammation, that help balance my hormones, and finally that provide the necessary nutritional building blocks to repair damage and allow for better healthier brain function

All of this is the result of 22 years of trial and error, with the book filling in the blanks that I couldn’t figure out, and a therapist to guide me, and friends and family to support me.

Your kids could avoid at least some of that. If they really are struggling and you really take it seriously and work diligently with them, they could avoid any damage to their body and live happy lives. All at the cost of a $14 book and a couple of cheap supplements and better food and lifestyle choices.

However, that means that kids; you have to suck it up and start talking to your parents again. They are your parents, and they’ve stuck with you this long, it’s likely they will stick with you as long as they live, even if you frustrate them or anger them, they will still care about you. Besides:

  1. If your parents didn’t care they wouldn’t get angry over anything, and they especially wouldn’t support you daily or provide any one of the fun things they already  do.

  2. You’ll have to talk to adults in general, but especially your parents, your entire life.

  3. Having your parents get mad is better than ending up in a hospital strapped to a bed.

  4. The perceived trouble is always proportional to the severity of the problem and the amount of lies you told. The worse you allow something to get, the worse things can be, so the goal should be admit things more quickly for minimal impact- RIGHT!

It also means you need to cooperate, and when you are given information, do your best to work with that information and give it a solid chance to try and enable improvement. Nothing can help if you just look at a paper and set it aside, if you call everything pointless and stupid then you will be guaranteed to get the same results you already have.

It is really up to you if you want to get better, and I can tell you for certain that you can. Yet, if you don’t believe me, read the book. It’s called the Depression Cure for a reason, it works for over 90% of people struggling to stay alive.

Finally, the funniest man in America, Robin Williams, killed himself because of Depression. Depression is no joke.

Kickin’ Depression’s Butt

So today, someone viewed a post I wrote last August titled “Trying to Hide From My Fears”. I could only vaguely remember what I wrote, so I went back and read it again myself.

I was initially surprised that someone was interested in me enough to go back that far in my timeline to read a post. However, as I re-read it, I realized the real surprise was in the topic.

As far as the rebuild goes, we’re not currently in any better of a state of being.

However, my view on things has gotten much, much better since then. I’m seriously kicking some intense depression butt.

Despite many meltdowns before winter, and as winter progressed, we made it through safe and sound. We didn’t freeze, and we made it through mostly OK. There were a few moments where the wood-stove went out and I shivered through gritted teeth until there was warmth again. There were a few moments of “I hate living so far out a really low grade road”, but again few and far between and they passed with little fanfare.

Then I looked at how I perceive things to be going. I still feel like there are roadblocks in my way, but now I have a perception that there might be a reason that I’m not getting anywhere. Less angry/upset, and more confused/searching-for-answers. For instance, why can’t I seem to get an affordable shipping container delivered despite a half dozen dealers in KC and having talked to one of them face to face over a month ago. It’s suddenly seeming impossible to get a favorable response, and not for lack of trying. The guy I talked to in person I’ve also spoken to over the phone, left voicemail, and  emailed 3 times. One of the other dealers was out of the size I wanted at their KC lot and was going to charge nearly $900 extra to have one shipped from Gardner KS- no thanks, the point is to save money. 2 other dealers have yet to get me quotes, and the last one I have yet to call because I just looked them up today- I could remember seeing their lot, but it had not previously shown on my google search for dealers, so now I’ve got their number. However, considering that I’ve been working on this almost 2 weeks, I’d have thought there’d be better progress.

Is it possible that there is something else in the works that the Universe/Divine is attempting to get me to save the money for? If so, a good-clear-message as to what that is, would be nice. I’d gladly save the money to the best of my ability (assuming the van and car stay in good working order so that an oil change is the most expensive maintenance). Especially, if the plan K was even better than my shipping container (plan J- I made it well past plan B early last year!), I’d do that. I’d do just about anything that was better than my plans.

I simply want a decent-clean-home for my family with running water and laundry appliances, pest-free too, please. I can always make improvements over time and as I’ve said several other times, I will continue to aim for Atira community regardless of the more immediate outcomes.

In fact I perceive that I would be able to make better headway on Atira if I’m not devoting so much of my time, efforts, and resources to attempting to fix our more immediate needs.

That’s another area I’ve improved: instead of dwelling on the failures and what’s stuck, etc.; I’m spending most of my time thinking of the possibilities of the future, and how I could construct the shipping container to accommodate alternate bed arrangements when it graduates from our home to the first homeless shelter. Basically, my brain is busy with the challenge of maximizing space and storage opportunities without limiting furniture placement. It’s a somewhat fun activity, but definitely less stressful than depression brain.

I’ve also spent more time attempting to look up information on possibly applicable grants and other programs that might contribute to the financial side of the creation of Atira. Just because it is Mine and Nathan’s baby doesn’t mean that we are not willing to accept help. On the contrary, we’d take all of the help we could get as long as the basic concepts remain intact and the over arching idea is accomplished.

Now that being said I still have my moments.

I’ve gluten-ed myself several days in a row, causing my cheeks to flare with the red acne/psoriasis patch and causing mild vertigo from mild brain swelling (I’m going to write a funny gluten post soon). I had a couple of down days from Nate’s passing.  I think that is to be expected though when losing a friend 3 years older than I am. Definite grief and lots of perspective gleaned there. I’ve alslo had some triggers tripped.

Yet I’ve also worked to compensate for all of that to keep myself from falling too far back into the abyss. The stats on that August post have essentially pointed out how far I’ve come despite essentially standing still. It’s nearly night and day. That makes me feel good, that makes me feel better, that helps see my efforts really are paying off. I look forward to that continued improvement. I look forward to good things.

Now if I can just figure out what I’m supposed to do with June in case the shipping containers continue to be stymied.

Small miracle?

Ok, so I really want to write that 4th installment of Atira. However, I’m really struggling today. Just when I thought I had cleared the other side, I fall back down.  I want to play ostrich right now. No, I want to sing pretty songs, I want to feel good, but truly I feel like crap.

Yesterday is when it really started to hit. I have yet to figure out why because I’ve been good on diet, supplements, and exercise (at least until I was already struggling last night- then I had typical emotional eating food). The only thing missing is sunlight- is that really the cause. Of course, it could be a hormone swing- being a woman and all I can’t avoid that stupid cycle every month. I’ve begun to wonder though, if what Americans consider a normal part of the female cycle, is really normal or not. I was doing great, now I’m not. *Perplexed*

Anyway, I’m having trouble focusing on anything positive, and I feel like I want to cry.

Yesterday when it hit, I was about to head to the Y, and had run into Whole Foods for some coconut water to help with leg cramps. I took a moment before leaving the parking lot to speak to the divine. I literally said “I know I’m supposed to be having patience right now, but at this moment I just really wish that he(online man) was here so that I could just get a hug and have someone tell me that everything was going to be OK. I just really need a hug right now.”

I sighed and drove away headed to the Y for my workout.

That was the Whole foods at 119th and Metcalf. By the time I got to 95th and Metcalf, a silver car puled up next to me at the stop light. I looked over and saw the word HUG on the license plate. The full plate read 986 HUG. I started bawling and repeated “Thank You” over and over again.

Today I find myself trying to cling to that energetic hug, still wishing for the real thing. I’ve struggled through the morning with nothing to show for it. My work day is not going as planned, thus sitting here writing. I’m going to try again in a few, but my hopes are not “UP” today. I find that my brain wants to think only of the negatives, the mess at home, the problems I face, the communication problems with family, and the fact that I simply feel very very overwhelmed and at a loss for solutions.

I told the divine months ago that I had no answers and needed help in a big miraculous multi-purpose multi-solution sort of way, and I am doing my best to be patient, but today’s emotional ball of wax is just not helping. I feel like I just need a nugget, even if the whole miracle is still in bound, I just need a little taste of relief. Just something to take the edge off. Please.

And with that, I’ll go try again (even though I’d really like to crawl back in bed- which is a 90min drive from me right now). *FROWN* …. Finding the love: must find the love.

 

Image courtesy of:

https://yalenusblog.wordpress.com/2013/01/07/overthinking-hugs/

The Thyroid Secret Docu-series 

So I’m watching “episodes” of a new docu-series that is very helpful in learning about my thyroid stuff. The series cites a lot of data that shows thyroid conditions are WAY under diagnosed and poorly treated when diagnosed. It also starts to explain what proper treatment is.  I’m glad this information is finally getting out there. 

I am only somewhat shocked to find that the auto-immune diet for thyroid treatment is so very similar to the TLC protocol diet for depression. Unfortunately there are things in both that I can’t eat because of my particular allergy combinations. But it does show how intrinsically linked diet is to health and reinforces the thyroid-depression link. 

If you know anyone that struggles with: 

Depression, anxiety, low energy,  hair loss, heart conditions,  or other auto-immune/allergy conditions; 

Please, please, watch this documentary series and refer them to do the same.

Home page for The Thyroid Secret

Episode 1

Episode 2

There’s supposed to be more series “episodes”,  so I recommend signing up to get the emails with reminder links- there is a subscribe box on the homepage. 

Depression: Shared & my experience.

I read THIS BLOG POST back in September when it was written. It struck close to home for me. The quote at the beginning was what resonated the most for me. When you’re really struggling, it does become about what is most frightening: continuing to live with the disease; or escaping through the route of suicide with unknown consequences, but with which comes a certainty of escaping the symptoms of the disease- the ultimate final end.

Being a new-agey type, having alternative beliefs to much of society, I spend a lot of time around people that think you can just think your way out of depression with the power of the law of attraction. Think happy thoughts and you’ll be happy.

As I’m discovering, that is hardly right.

The book I’m Reading, which was provided by my therapist, has been super helpful.

See It Here:

The Deression Cure by Dr. Stephen Ilardi

It really gets to the heart of the matter. There is a distinct difference between the emotion “Depression ” listed at the lowest position #22 on the emotional guidance scale, and the clinical disease with the common umbrella term of the same name.

The emotion Dr. Ilardi points out, is often a short lived disposition, the feeling place of something very difficult having happened in your life experience. It serves a role in the grief process and can help us make sense of elements within our life journey.

The disease, though it shares many characteristics of which the feelings and emotions are definitely present, is a much more sinister and all consuming state of being often with a medical cause.

As I wrote in my previous post, it seems a major factor for me is Inflammation- possibly because of my severe allergies, but also possibly [as Dr. Ilardi posits] simply due to an imbalance of Anti-Inflammatory Omega 3’s-thus diet related. Regardless, the most basic mechanism at play is that the inflammation is happening in the brain, literally causing a build-up of pressure on the brain, and causing it to malfunction.

Since starting therapy, reading the book, and taking action steps to adjust my diet and lifestyle choices. I can honestly say there is definitely a connection. Dr. Ilardi lays out 6 areas of lifestyle choices and swears that making very specific adjustments to those areas will result in reducing inflammation and essentially curing clinical depression.

Now, I’m not fully through the book. Still reading, but I’m working on making positive changes weekly, if not daily. One of the areas, meaningful social interactions, I felt pretty good about. I haven’t gotten to that chapter yet, but I know my friends are large factor as to why I’ve gotten as far as I have. I’ve never quit interacting with them or our home-school group, and I am grateful that they have literally held me and walked me through some of my rough days.

So first, was to go back on my strict version of the Pregnancy Diet (I plan on detailing what that means for me at some point soon). Second, was I started exercising again. I aim for 3 times a week, but some weeks I’ve managed 4 times. 3rd: I started taking fish oil. The book walks through how to determine how much to take depending on the nutrition label of the supplement you choose. For me that’s 6 a day, but occaisonally I feel the need for a 7th one (usually when I know I’ve made bad food choices). I mostly remember to do this, because in my morning routine I put all my supplements and allergy/thyroid meds into a pill box. The trick is remembering my lunch and dinner doses, and I do sometimes forget to take them.

Then I re-introduced light therapy. I had done light therapy in college, and for a while after graduating. It was when I was working in cubicle land and experiencing a severe bout of seasonal depression. At that time I simply had a high wattage bulb in a desk lamp that I aimed at my face the entire time I was working. This time however, my therapist gave me some tips to  ensure optimal results. It apparently needs to be above eye level aimed downward at a minimum of 30degrees. The higher the watts the better. And if you do 30 to 60 min of light in the first hour after waking it works best- gets you a really good kick start. I’ve been successfully remembering all that about 2/3 rd’s of the time for about 2 weeks.

The one element I’m struggling with is sleep hygiene. As of the first of the year I had adjusted my schedule to accomodate a 7 day paper route for extra income. It’s roughly 3 hours of work a night, and equals a little over half of what my current massage work comes out to. So, it’ll end up not quite doubling our family income. The schedule adjustment would have been fine if the papers were reliably on time. As I’m discovering what is actually the case, is that they rarely are. So, where I’d allotted myself 6 to 7 hours a night/morning during a fairly steady window. In actuality, I’m getting more like 4.5 to 6 hours of  sleep. It’s the same time frame each day, which is good, but I’m simply not getting enough. Nathan has offered to remedy this by doing the route by himself at least most of the time. I worry about a black man with dreds  (& heart disease) tooling around rural Missouri in the middle of the night, every night, so I’ll still be helping as often as I can manage. I don’t know what I would do if he died on route by himself, especially if it was at the end of someone’s gun. However, that being said, I think I’m not going to argue, as I desperately need more sleep each night.

As it happens, the sleep manifests fairly quickly for me. I get super cranky super fast, and I nose dive into depression when my minimal energy reserves run out. I also start having disjointed and incomplete thought processes. It makes for very difficult communication. So, the last 13 days have been fairly roller coaster like for me. Last night though, Nathan went out alone, so I’m doing better today.

That being said, even at my most sleep deprived, the last 2 weeks has been better than prior to Thanksgiving. I’m not 100% better, not “cured” yet, but I’m better enough to acknowledge that Dr. Ilardi’s TLC program is working. When I’ve had sleep I feel great. Even if I’ve had most of a nights sleep I still manage. That to me is huge, because before Thanksgiving that wasn’t happening.

And that is where the Law of Attraction has been able to come back in. Now that I can see my bad days for being related to sleep, diet, or exercise; I am now able to tell myself “It’s ok, I am where I am becasue of ___ and it will be short lived, this isn’t permanent, it’s meerly a side effect of certain choices catching up to me.” I am able to dig out with phrases like that, at least enough to function. I am able to keep myself going, and to make better choices to help pull out of the nose dive.

Those same phrases with untreated depression, when I had no idea that things were compounding to create inflammation in my brain, were worthless. Positive thoughts would bounce off of me, or flat off piss me off, I had trouble thinking even remotely positively when I was untreated. My brain was so inflamed it wasn’t able to make those connections, I wasn’t able to think straight. I had trouble communicating every day, loosing important things, and melting down at every turn. I simply had no idea that my emotional hurting, my mental hurting was because of very real physical pain caused by inflammation  in my brain.

So I write this in hopes that everyone dealing with depression can read this book. Put it into practice, and begin to heal their brain and their lives. I know I’m on my way there, even if I can’t see the finish line yet.

I hope one day to see every medical practitioner, from CNA to RN to midwife to MD to PhD, tell people about TLC. I have seen literally dozens, possibly over a hundred medical professionals, in my 22 years of struggling with depression. Those medical professionals half-ass-ed my thyroid, failed to treat it, but often offered psych meds. When in reality the thyroid was literally not even half of a larger issue, and failure to treat the whole package is why I’ve struggled with depression for those 22 years, and nearly lost my life to it several times over. IT could have been avoided all-together- if the first doctor being told I’d gained weight and was struggling with depression had genuinely dealt with my thyroid on a unique basis and utilized TLC to treat the rest of my life.

Although that makes me angry to contemplate the hazardous effects it had on my life, I’m more angry that it isn’t being corrected. We continue to crank out doctors, nurses, and all manner of medical professionals, that turn around and create assembly line medication stations instead of actually listening to patients and putting available knowledge to good use to figure out a puzzle and actually provide a real solution. Living on meds that merely mask chronic disease symptoms somewhat while additionally causing side-effects,  then planning to do that for the rest of your life, is not a solution.

That being said, neither option is cheap. I spend approximately $270/month on my Allopathic medications: Fast-acting Inhaler, nebulizer solution, Oral-Steriod (cumulative effect) Inhaler, Zyrtec, Singulair, and Desiccated Thyroid. I spend that much or more on quality supplements that I have seen the benefits from. I continue to take the ones that I’ve watched drop blood sugars. I continue to take magnesium because I have watched leg cramps disappear, and my stress levels drop. I take a good quality multivitamin to avoid all my allergens. I take a good methylated B-complex, with extra p-5-p and 5HTP, because I noticed significant mood improvements before TLC was even a possibility for me. And yes, it’s all very expensive, but I would have lost the battle long ago without them. I am utterly grateful they got me through when none of the doctors did. Perhaps one day, when I’ve mastered TLC, I can eliminate the need for all of it. It’s a process though, my sugars are still high, and I’m still having allergies and asthma symptoms, so for now I keep doing what I’m doing. One step at a time, one little improvement at a time.

On a final note. If you have ever lost someone you cared about to suicide, please stop for a moment and realize how much pain they were in. Think just for a second, did you ever try to genuinely help them, did you offer a ride to a clinic, did you do any research, did you make suggestions in a real hands on “lets try to beat this” approach? IF you had really cared you would have acknowledged their pain. I don’t care if it’s invisible or not, it’s still pain. When someone is in pain, our natural inclination should be to do our best to help, not offer “think positive, it’ll get better” or “think of your family”, those are neither helpful attempts at a possible solution, nor acknowledgement of very real pain. You wouldn’t offer “think positive” to someone with a broken leg, and you wouldn’t tell someone with cancer to “think of their family”. Yet when you do that to someone with clinical depression you are accomplishing both situations. Heaven forbid, you actually did loose someone to suicide, and still choose to blame them. If they were hurting enough to choose suicide, then their pain was unimaginably unbearable, and my heart goes out to them for their suffering, not to you for your loss. What could you have done to acknowledge their pain, and attempt to help find a real solution, and would they still be alive if you had? My own family has no clue that they were almost the ones that missed this message. I no longer talk to or associate with most of my biological family for that very reason. I’ve also lost potential friends in realizing they had no clue, blaming me for being depressed. A depressed person never wants to continually  live with the horrendous pain they bear, yet as a society that is what we have come to expect.

Be different, be the one that actively attempts to help someone out of their pain. Help them find Dr. Ilardi’s book, help find a therapist, if they are having finaincial difficulties help them fill out assistance forms,  if they need transportation see if you or someone you know can give them a ride, help them make TLC changes by being their “buddy system”. You will make at least that person’s life better, and may actually save them from  having to choose between a lifetime of horrible pain or death. They will know you care, because you will have shown it in real-time practical help.

Synchronisity: therapy,  allergies & depression- A Thank You!

Synchronicity

Synchronicity
Synchronicity is a concept, first explained by psychiatrist Carl Jung, which holds that events are “meaningful coincidences” if they occur with no causal relationship, yet seem to be meaningfully related. During his career, Jung furnished several slightly different definitions of it.

SynchronicityWikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synchronicity

 

 

Last week (7th- 15th) I spent a lot of time very angry and upset.  I screamed at the divine “You have the ability to help me fix this!” The sentiment of the screaming was: I want to fix this- all of the things wrong in life and with me right now-and can’t,  you can help.  Why won’t you hear me and do so? !

Several days running, I screamed, and screamed during my commutes.

Thursday of that week (10th) I find myself at work crying.  I just couldn’t stop.  I tried going to the restroom.  I washed my faced twice;  the best I could do was slow the crying down to a gentle sob. One of the employees, which I’ve had many conversations with, saw me. He got me tissues and coffee.

He found his boss,  the woman I coordinate with, & they pulled me into a quiet space.  They spoke with me a long time, they gave me hugs, offered to take me to the hospital. After discussing that I didn’t have a specific plan,  she decided the hospital  might not be an appropriate option. They offered to find some resources and sent me home.  Before I could even leave the parking lot they had provided me with resources to try,  different ones than I’d already tried. I made calls & stopped at one of them on the way home.

It was such a relief. For the first time in ages,  I knew someone I worked with cared (something I asked for in my post: Trying to Hinde From My Fears).  Also for the first time in ages I was getting help without having to jump through thousands of overwhelming red tape hoops & paperwork nightmares. I felt relief.

The place I stopped at on the way home was a church that the nursing home coordinates with for services for the residents and certain holiday events.  They provided real-time financial assistance and got me on the list for their volunteer therapist program.  I’m on the waiting list and will be connected with someone there as soon as an opening is available. Again, I felt relief.

The other resource my co-workers provided was for KC Care clinic- formerly KC Free Clinic.  I came to learn that affordable care act regulations prevented them from seeing people without some hoops, but that they still try to help.

I was able to get paperwork (2015 tax return, proof of residency, ID)  & prof of insurance filed by the following Wednesday. They logged me as insured/uninsured because one medical appointment a year is covered,  but everything else isn’t.  After reviewing my financials I qualify for $10/appt and some prescription assistance.

I had a phone screening the next day and because of my answers the behavioral health counselor said she wanted to get me in as soon as possible.  She stated that she had a good therapist- a grad student in mind (as licensed therapists were booked 3 months out) -that she thought would be a great fit. After agreeing to try him & playing schedule tag, we found a workable appointment the next day (last Friday) .

The following morning I had a plan to fit as much in as possible to accommodate the lunch appointment.  But it seems the divine  had heard some  prayers finally (Thank you to those putting in a good word for me!).

My first clue was working on a woman that had the same physique and mannerisms of Nathan’s mom.  I  called him and told him he needed to call his mom, and explained why.

Then right as I’m trying to get one more person before scurrying on to my next location.

BAM! YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU’D HAVE PLANS!

My last lady was an 83 year old with COPD so bad that she needed oxygen constantly.  She confessed she’d never smoked but had pneumonia several times as a baby, and spent the rest of her life with multiple severe allergies- which is probably what damaged her lungs.  She told me she’d  figured a lot of them out on her own, and shared a list uncannily like mine, but longer. She continued saying;  after much trials & tribulations & several God given suggestions she’d ended up seeing a Doctor in Liberty that she later discovered was famous for his innovative treatments for allergies. It really helped, but later after having amalgam fillings removed she had trouble again. I told her about a detox I was going to try that’s supposed to help with heavy metals like found in amalgam fillings. I wrote the info down for her and took the allergy doctor’s info.

She then told me about a time when she’d fractured her hip & discovered she was allergic to pain killers. She said that she was hallucinating, she felt like she was in the TV, because she would respond to questions on the TV like someone was standing there asking her. She said she’d gotten really paranoid & was trying to lash out,  but couldn’t because her body felt too heavy.  She said that finally after hours of this, she got to where she couldn’t breathe & was slowly asphyxiating. The doctors thought she was dieing  & after telling her daughter, her daughter made the decision to stop the IV’ s. She  says within about an hour she was breathing normally, & several hours later it was like nothing had happened. She managed through the pain from the fracture  & eventually healed just fine. She told me: you’re young, you have plenty of time to figure things out & just refuse to take anything that’s not whole organic produce into your body; you might be able to avoid COPD. I was stunned, but thanked her for her story, explaining I needed to go.

The conversation was 45 min long and meant I wasn’t going to accomplish anything else before my therapy appointment.

I called Nathan again and explained what had just occurred. I exclaimed why; why would the divine give me valid information to try to act on, but not the resources to do anything with it. I Just don’t get it. He said I know, just log the info, keep the doctor’s information safe and maybe it will work out soon. I said I doubt it because it’s not like this journey is new. Again he repeated I know, we’ll figure it out.

I went ahead and headed to the appointment. I’ve been to a therapist in the past, but it’d been a while- about a decade. I cant say I was excited, because my previous experience helped a little, but hadn’t produced lasting results- obviously.  It also felt like failure. If I am needing serious help from professionals, then things have gone horribly wrong.

The appointment was much like I remember. Essentially sitting in an office talking to someone. Although in this case, the case manager that did the phone screening was there for the first visit- regulations, she told me. Lots of questions with uncomfortable answers. I can’t tell you how much depression hurts daily, and I have absolutely no words to describe how painful telling my life story to 2 strangers is. There was lots of crying. Lots of feeling ashamed. At one point I exclaimed that I can’t stand when I’m like this, I do things I wouldn’t normally.

We covered my journey with low thyroid, my journey with allergies, and even my past therapy and failed anti-depressant trials. They explained that the anti-depressants likely didn’t work because of the thyroid issues. I also told them about that earlier conversation with the 83 year old COPD patient, and I exclaimed: “Do you know how many times I’ve been to medical professionals with knowledge of severe allergies and long standing depression and no one ever mentioned that allergies could cause psychosis!” They genuinely listened. I felt some relief again.

As the appointment was winding down they left me with supportive words. This was the 3rd time in one week (co-workers, church people, and therapists) that I was hearing that I had hung in spectacularly. The jist of this 3rd round: They told me many people would have given up much sooner. They told me that I must be massively strong to talk myself out of suicide so many times, let alone avoiding hurting my family. They told me that I am an amazing mom for figuring out how to handle the time when my thyroid prevented breastfeeding. They told me that I had done the best I could with a whole lot of really difficult things that I couldn’t control, and that I was a wonderful supportive wife and mom. That I should just give myself a really big break, a pat on the back, and let others take care of me for a while, that it was time I came first. I CRIED SO HARD! I knew the words were echoing around my brain and bouncing off all the times I’d heard them before, but it’s  just so damn hard to hear them when you’re hurting. Yet it was still relief.

Finally, the grad-student therapist explains he’s been working with a well known doctor that has studied depression for 20 years, and has discovered a link between inflammatory diseases like allergies, and depression. Essentially, he explains, inflammation on the brain can manifest in many ways, including depression. Then he explains that there is a connection between Omega 6’s and increased inflammation, and that maybe boosting Omega 3’s which are anti-inflammatory might help. He also says there are other factors at play, and we’ll spend the next visit going through questions and answers to see if this Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes program might help. He then gives me the info to see the doctors Ted-X presentation…. SEE HERE for the video

I can’t tell you how much relief that appointment was. They listened, and in the end, essentially they say I’m on to something, I’ve got a good start, I just need help figuring it out the rest of the way. If this program works, I can’t tell you how much relief that will be. Can you imagine fighting something for 21 years and finally finding an answer?

img_0436-raw-atlantic-sized

I’ve already watched the TedX video (which brought me to tears) and I’ve even increased my Omega 3 foods (mostly salmon) drastically since Friday. I’ve also exercised more this week. Previously, I was getting 1 to 2 exercise days a week. I’ve already added a 3rd this week, and I’m shooting for a 4th somewhere in there. I’m not sure if it is helping yet, as it’s only been 4 days and I’ve done more yelling and screaming in that time, but I am hopeful.

I’m just so grateful that there’s possibly something that could eliminate my decades long battle, and that GOD finally gave me some clues. Now if he could just open up a way to see the allergy doctor in Liberty. I would love to heal my body too!

Seriously though, I know I have people reading my words and praying for me and my family. I thank you all. I honestly believe it made the difference and triggered this chain of events, I’ve been asking for years, and it’s not until screaming for days while other’s are praying for me that I get some answers. I appreciate it more than you could know, it means that I have hope again of possibly healing my brain and body and being able to leave depression behind me. That means sooooo much to me. Thank you.

“If you can’t say nuttin’ nice”…

“Don’t say nuttin’ at all.”
I grew up on Bambi, so Thumper’s lesson from his mom is etched in my brain. 

Have I always been able to follow it. 

-No, but I do my best. 

Essentially, I’ve been struggling severly in regards to emotions lately,  so I don’t have much nice to say. 

Yet, I remember that lesson. 

 So, this week things got out of hand for me. In acknowledgement of that: I took Facebook off of my phone. It was making matters worse & I was saying very not nice things. Things I know upset people.  Even if they understand where they are coming from. 

I’ve also acknowledged that I need a day off of work for mental health.  A week would be even better. The elderly seem to be fond of FOX news & want to discuss the news often.  That doesn’t help me either,  because if I had the chance to legally terminate FOX news, I would take it in a heartbeat. Me & FOX are like oil & water.  They just don’t mix. 

That being said, I don’t know that our budget can handle time off, & being that I bounce buildings daily,  picking a day or two even will be hard. 

So that is my goal.  Make time to find my sanity & some good moods again.  Nothing else even remotely functions when I’m this kind of down. As evidence by the lack of progress posts.

Wish me luck, I can use all the good juju I can get these days.