Tag Archives: desires

Expectations of Happiness

How does one define happiness, and why is our own definition so illusive?

It’s a weird rhetorical question.

I have no solid answer myself, as I can find my happiness sitting alone in a room, meditating, during a quiet massage session, or sitting in my hammock.

On the same token there are times that I feel like I should be happy when I’m not.

Today is the 4th of July. Former president Trump and 2020 ruined what shred was left of my patriotism. I should be happy to celebrate this holiday, but I have been grumpy all day long. At the same time I am fighting a desired to run away.

I could apply for a management position at what is now my part-time second job, they are hiring for many positions with an impending new building opening. It would be a massive promotion and I’m certain they want me to do so. It could be equivalent to income I make from the clinic, maybe a hair more, and the work would likely be much easier on me physically. However, the stress levels would be high, I’d probably be on-call a lot, and likely end up working as much, if not more, than I do now. It’s not my own business, and it’s not the intentional community I desired.

The skills might help with my dream community, but at this point I have a strong awareness that I can learn anything I need in a very short span of time, so the learning lesson is much less of a draw these days. Beyond that, 2020 again ruined my desire to work with elderly in any fashion, and I am already considering quitting the part-time work because of it. I would have much less headache and Saturday afternoons off, something that seems really appealing with our new mess related to dialysis.

The clinic still has me occupied 5 to 6 days a week and I feel like I work with platonic family. It is a good feeling and I know my work there is genuinely helping many people. Literally the only real drawback is that it is hard on my body and requires many hours of self care. Also because of that, I know my income will always be limited and I have likely already reached my maximum.

If I stay where I am and doing what I am doing then life will be fairly unchanged for years to come. It’s not really a horrible thing, but I am simply just tired of bearing the weight of a family alone. I have done it for almost 16 years and on very few occasions Nathan or I had to grovel to our parents for assistance. Most of them were right after we moved to Kansas city and turned around to deal with his hospital stay. It was a very rough period and the only period that I had to beg for parental assistance more than once. Out of 16 years I’ve asked my mom for money 4 times, and Nathan’s mom about the same (maybe a couple more times). The rest of the 16 years has fallen squarely on our shoulders, and only the last 10 have been my sole responsibility. When I state it that way, it doesn’t seem like that much, but my experience of it is just wearing me out.

I’ve been contemplating grad school, but know I can’t get a loan. So to that end I’m contemplating taking the MCAT and Mensa tests. It’s my hope to get scholarship if I do well enough, but I’ve set no direct commitment yet, only inquiries on tests and chiropractic college.

I’m also contemplating simply looking into a loan to start a massage school of actual merit. THAT I already have enough knowledge and commitment for. God knows KC needs a decent massage school, or I’d be able to find a quality trade partner easier. It would be a ton of legwork and writing on the front end, skimping by financially until a student body could be acquired and actual classes could begin. There would be accreditation processes and board certification processes, course management and all of the regular business and accounting issues to deal with, all out of whatever loan I managed to procure. It would be fast paced and grueling for several months to get set-up and functional, and everything would ride on loans until students began enrollment. Not impossible- my massage school had just done that when I enrolled 14 years ago and they are still functional.

This week the chiropractor encouraged me to shift my business to a full LLC, and I wondered if that was my cue to lean that direction. I simply don’t know.

Part of me is perfectly fine with settling and riding the calm waters of maintaining what I’ve already created. Especially if I quit the part-time job and get my Saturdays back for relaxation and fun.

Part of me knows this is not really my Atira, and is downtrodden over the prospects that I may never see my actual dream manifest. That’s the part of me that wants to run away.

I simply don’t know, and my tired brain just wants the elusive happiness all the time. It’s there when I have the time and space to find it, but I have a hell of a time keeping it in me.

For now I leave you with my rhetorical question and ramblings.

May you find your happiness, know your expectations, and find a way to maintain it regardless. May you instill in your children the ability to maintain their happiness while also lifting our world up. May we all enjoy our lives mostly and find ease in navigating the paths of life. May you be comfortable with your life regardless of where the roads lead you. May you see that everything happens for a reason, sometimes to just give you clarity on what you don’t want. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Ponderings

So this week has been cold as eff for Kansas City, and it’s only supposed to get worse in a few days. It means I’m in for a frigid birthday. Merh, nothing new, I’m used to it, in all my life I’ve only had 2 mild weather brithdays. I don’t mind the snow, it’s the bone chilling cold and frigid wind that gets to me.

Though as a kid I remember enjoying a few classic winter style. Snow forts and snowball fights. Sledding down manmade hills of snow and playing king of the hill once everyone got tired of climbing up and down. Hot cocoa and toddler sized personal-pan birthday cake. To be fair, all that combined, I probably ran off all the calories and some, playing in the cold winter weather. But most birthdays fell on school days, or now as an adult workdays, and they were just nothing special, especially since I never got to take them off.

My birthday is so close to Valentine’s day that I used to get jealous of all the girls that got flowers and chocolates delivered to them. Being just after Christmas, resources were always already thin, and celebrations were always small.

Now I am in a better place and I know focusing on those elements is not helpful. So, I’m going to ponder what that translates into for me.

I had thought about getting myself a She-Ra action figure from when I was a kid. It would be nostalgic, and potentially a good investment, but only if I leave it in the box. Though I can afford a figure like that right now, I’m still not convinced it’s worth it. It’s not exactly a cheap toy to buy an original in the box, but the nostalgic value would be in playing with it. It would loose it’s sentiment pretty quick if I just tucked it on a shelf away from my kids’ grasp. Yet, I don’t afford myself time to do childish things anymore, I’m too busy being responsible and acting like a boring adult. So the cost/value scale might not balance fully.

So I’ve not bought an action figure for myself, even though I kinda want to. No, instead I took the day off and booked myself a 2 hour massage session. I picked a guy near me that proclaims he does similar work, we’ll see if it’s adequate to get through 7 weeks of only having received self-care and husband-care. I’m crossing my fingers it is, especially since I told him up front what I was looking for and needing.

Beyond that, my husband is working on some sort of surprise he says. I hope so, I could really use a nice surprise. He did that a couple times before. My 21st birthday was my first actual birthday party ever and he invited all our friends at the time. Then my 35th birthday- I was reaching third trimester of pregnancy (with Katherine) and he took me to dinner with a half dozen friends and their significant others. Both were spectacular in my book, I was speechless the second time he pulled it off.

I would love for a good surprise, a happy surprise. I would love for the weather to perk up up some. I would love to enjoy a good meal, a warm treat, and some good company in addition to my family. I would love to feel like life was normal and pleasant again. I would love the universe to surprise and delight me as well. Flowers would be nice, I always like flowers. I think all flowers are beautiful, but I love ones that are growing still, or that last a long time after being cut and smell good.

I like feeling loved and wanted. I love feeling like I matter to others.

I love feeling like I look good. I love feeling beautiful. Nathan and I just did a closet purge to enable us to get new-to-us clothes that fit better and look nice. It was really nice to be able to do that, and I love some of the new items. It would be nice to be able to wear one of them and feel good for a bit.

Yet, above and beyond all of this, I know that God loves me. I feel my connection and I love how it feels. I like that feeling more than anything else, and know it doesn’t take much for me to get there anymore. I like feeling good, and between my booked massage and my ability+desire to meditate, I know I will feel good on my birthday. Anything and everything else will just be a bonus.

I am worthy and deserving of a good birthday with a wonderful surprise. I deserve to feel good and feel loved and beautiful. I know I will have a good birthday next week no matter what.

May you see what you desire. May you have wonderful birthdays. May you find ways to accommodate even decades old desires. May you have fun and find your childish side occasionally. May you know you are special and deserving of everything you want. May you always feel good. May you know that God loves and supports you in everything you do and all that you are.

Om Shanti

Poly want treats.

I’m drawn to write a little about polyamory again tonight. It’s not my first post on the subject, but it’s been a while.

I really was doing a little heartwarming fireside daydreaming, it’s what instigated this post.

If I have to choose, I choose my husband Nathan, hands down, every time. I KNOW that our love withstands the test of time because we have withstood every challenge that the universe has thrown at us. I’m merely waiting for the flip side of the coin and the rewards for our journey together.

He’s a beautiful person and kind soul, and wonderful father and husband. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life. His addictions are minimal and well moderated, and he has a relatively even temper. He’s patient and understanding. He’s creative and interesting. A little scatter brained at times, and messier than my preferences, but there’s a ton of people that fit that part of the description. The only thing I would improve is his health.

But yes, being bisexual and Pagan, my paradigm wants to allow for so much more. I want to allow an equally strong relationship (or 2?/3?) with someone that’s different. No competition, just different.

I always default to food descriptions here because it’s what I know, it’s my addiction. That being said, I love food, all of it. Just because I want pizza for this dinner doesn’t mean I only want that ever, and couldn’t stick to it or I would suffer nutritionally. I love pizza and I also love lots of other foods, healthy, unhealthy, sweet, savory, crisp, crunchy, gooey, baked, raw. You name it, I probably like it. These days my biggest challenge is making some of my loved foods in the healthiest manner to give all of myself the best possible options. I am doing my best to honor my body and still enjoy tasty healthy foods occasionally.

And polyamory is the vehicle for reaching my goal of doing that with my heart and spirit. I want both. Abraham swears any desire is okay and you can’t take back true desires, you can’t just change your mind if your inner-being agrees.

I want the best, tastiest, healthiest, options to nourish myself with love and lift my spirit. I know it is possible, and it makes me feel good so I know my inner-being agrees.

I am reminding myself of poly families that worked. I’m reminding myself of the lady that I met with two husbands, a poly family of 20+ years. I know another triad of a man with a wife and significant other and they have something like 5 kids between the three of them. I’m reminding myself of others that I have met that withstood the tests of time.

I’m also reminded that several of those stories had bumpy starts. I’m hoping my bumpy start is just taking longer than expected.

For now I keep going over the many many details that Nathan and I have discussed over our years together. Our rules, our hopes and desires, our expectations on behavior and communication, our needs for community and parental duties. I’m focusing on which ones are must haves and which ones are flexible.

When I think of allowing another person to fill those roles it makes me very happy. I am doing my best to stay focused on the qualities I know make a person of good character. I’m doing my best to stay aligned with the person or people that would meet our desires in a highest-good way.

Different is good, variety is great, and there is a way to have both. Anything is possible. I intend to find/allow my both.

For anyone new to the concept of polyamory, the following are good resources. And you can always check out my original post on the subject from May of 2017. BTW I have met Morning Glory and Oberon Zell, they were open well before a time of any level of acceptance. They are beautiful people and may Morning Glory rest in peace.

https://polyamory.dating/recommended-websites-about-polyamory/

http://www.lovemore.com/

http://www.polyinfo.org/ http://polyweekly.com/

May you find all the love you desire. May your life be filled with loving supportive people. May you find a way to allow for your ideal family to manifest. May you be open and accepting of others. May your desires be met and may you know others accept you just as you are. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you.

Om Shanti