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Anything that feels bad is not me.

Sometimes that is hard to remember. Sometimes it take a few tries before it starts to register. Sometimes I have to repeat it over and over, again and again. However at this point, it always does, sink in that is, and my trajectory is a shorter path in general than it used to be. My average shift time is much shorter than it used to be.

At one point in my life I was mostly down with an occaisional up day. Then I met Nathan and had more ups than downs. Eventually my rough days began to glom together and I would have long patches of rough emotional waters, with some fairly consistent even keeled moods in between.

Nathan pointed out, that at one point it was fairly common for those patches to last 2 or 3 weeks. Then Abraham Hicks started to make sense to me. I was finally in vibrational vicinity to comprehend the messages, but not completely.

Much frustration, anger, and many excuses later, I genuinely started trying to figure out the law of attraction. I asked for things, and several of them have slowly manifested over the last 5 years.

The online relationship that stung so much, was somewhat helpful to my journey. Despite the ghosting, games, and lies, I did benefit. It lifted my spirits at times, sometimes in a moment of neeed, but sometimes it took a good mood to spectacular. It also was encouragement enough to focus better on how I was feeling. Everytime that I would get hung up on that person I would talk it out, or write it out and get myself into a place of feeling better. I also, was able to notice when I was in alignment, not just in my own self, but with the person I was conversing with. I could feel the rightness or wrongness in what was being focused on. It was a powerful learning tool to fine tune what I had already started to work on.

Regardless as to whether my prior efforts were the cause, or if it was because of the connection found, my efforts began to improve. What would once have been weeks to climb out of a negative hole, became days, maybe a solid week. Then, despite being upset over being ghosted repeatedly, my refractory period shrunk even farther. I was able to skrink it to 2-3 days, then even to 1-2 days.

Now this week I was able to climb out 3 seperate times in less than 2 hours. Of courese the triggers did not seem as bad as some of my past triggers, but one definitely was, and everything is perception to begin with. What mattered was that even though I fell into emotional distress, I remained calm and civil to others, I was able to communicate about necessary topics, and as soon as I was able I withdrew and fixed the emotional side of the scale. That is simply huge to me.

Only someone that has had a similar journey would truly understand what that is like. I went from chronic suicidal depression (mainly triggered by undiagnosed thyroid concerns and a latent chronic viral infection) to being able to find my own internal happy in less than two hours, and I’m even able to control the medical needs as well.

Yes, it took me years to accomplish, but in those 15 years, I sought external help twice. Once in Iowa from the regional psych department that tried a few medications over a period of about 3 months (none of which sovled it), and once here in KC utilizing a low-income sliding-scale therapy service for 12 of a possible 14 weekly visits. Beyond that, I figured out the thyroid concerns, I did my own research and labwork, I took my care into my own hands, becasue none of the MD’s I tried were willing to put very much effort into their own jobs.

I have literally and figuratively kept myself alive and helped myself to find healing in a most spectacular way.

Now I am finally beginning to see my efforts paying off.

I have manifested several things that I desired, I have a stable home, a decent family vehicle, and my body is skrinking (I feel like that last one is picking up speed). I have yet to do a new round of labwork, but based on my daily physical experience, I suspect that those results should also be improving. If they aren’t yet, I’ll chaulk it up to lag time, and this recent development of feeling detached and having minimal desires. The former being a side effect of the law of attraction, and the latter possibly producing some sort of stasis. I’m honestly not sure though, it’s just such a different feeling place to be in, I’m not sure of any intrepretation yet.

Part of me feels like not really wanting anything might take me too far from the moving leading-edge, and potentially cause my own croaking experience. On the other hand it could really be my best personal description of Abraham’s ideal free flowing space. I simply don’t know yet, all I know is that when I am there I feel good inside, and it feels so good that literally nothing else outside of me matters too aweful much. It is such a peaceful, content place, and I just want to be there all of the time.

So far, I have noticed a few small moments with people, which imply that my time feeling like that may be helping in other ways. I have also noticed that my Reiki skills seem to have gotten a boost, because I am feeling the energy flow more strongly.

Otherwise, it just feels good, and my inclination is to meditate frequently to encourage the feeling. Lately at work I have been taking every opportunity to sit staring at my salt lamp, and it is wonderful how quickly the peaceful sensations spread, starting at my 3rd eye and migrating though my body to crown and heart.

If I described the sensations as if they were palpable with the 5 senses, it would do a severe injustice to how it actually feels. It truly is a sense of peace that slowly makes it’s way through every cell and gradually dissolves all my aches and crunchy spots. The longer I have to do this, the more of my body is able to fully relax and realign. It is simply amazing to me, especially acknowledging where I came from.

I look forward to more of those moments, and whatever results come from them, no matter what that means in this phyical 3-D life ecperience. Whether it means feeling at home in my here and now of every moment, or if it means finding my eternal home.

May you have peaceful moments of healing. May you easily find your internal happy place as frequently as possible. May you experience genuine divine healing and see the results of that show up quickly. May you have your ideal body and your ideal life and find that detachment is really a good easy place to be. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Being selfish.

I have conceded again, that anything I have desired involving other people is pointless, because invariably they have their own hot mess that I can’t solve.

I can’t make anyone do anything, and now I know that I can pull up when their actions sting, even when there are layers and layers of sting.

I can only help myself be a better person, no matter what.

I can only help myself feel better, no matter what.

I know I can do anything that I choose to do.

I know I am very capable of a wide array of skilled activities.

I know I am skilled enough to learn anything I don’t already know. I am skilled enough to do many great things.

I have been responsible for many people and over many years. I have done everything I was supposed to do, be it based on parental or societal dictations. I’ve even learned how to best care for myself.

I am capable. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am good at everything I choose to do.

I have even learned to controll my emotions. It takes me less time, every time I do it. I know how to find happy, and it’s getting quicker and quicker.

I am enough.

I like feeling good. I appreciate this healing. My whole family deserves the same healing.

I have been fully responsible.

Now what?

I don’t know.

I see the fallacy of my childhood dreams, my idea of perfection is nearly impossible because it would require attempting to control others. The magic lies in letting the divine orchestrate the details.

My problem now lies in that; letting go of my dreams completely carries an emptiness of my own role, I don’t need to orchestrate my Atira, in just such a way. I have accomplished an ability to find peace and happiness no matter what. I have accomplished an ability to see all of the unconditional elements I desired, in my current place of now. Knowing I can work myself towards feeling better, feeling good, and seeing all of the basic desires manifested, leaves me feeling goal-less.

There is nothing I yearn for. There is nothing I desire. There is nothing that I feel is missing or needing accomplished. I can’t even label anything that I really want anymore.

There are some silly things like places to travel to, or things to do, but there is nothing I really desperately want. Pretty much everything has lost its draw.

I am okay with whatever. The Divine can decide for me, no matter what that means. I finally feel like I’ve detached from everything. Nothing is necessary, nothing is vital, and nothing even stands out as a major interest. I am open to anything or nothing, whichever God and Goddess dictate. Death does not scare me, and I’m already living in a crazy stupid world, full of chaos and negativity, so I obviously can handle that. Perhaps there is some other option, if so I’m open to it. Whatever the divine chooses for me.

May you find your peace. May you find full healing. May you see your loved ones healed as well. May you know that everything you need already is here. May you see everything you want and desire in your current reality. May you sense the empty expansion of letting the divine take over and decide for you. May you feel your infinite self and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do. May you trust the divine and allow it to decide for you, even if that might mean death is imminent. May you know that God knows more than you possibly can and will choose the best way for you.

Be still
And know that
I
am
God

First do no harm
So mote it be

Om Shanti