Tag Archives: diligent thinking

Ding-Dong KO

Ok, so sometimes my addictions, turn into a Multi-player Mortal Kombat round. I’m just as proud of myself, if the worst one of the ‘enemies’ is the one knocked out, as I would be winning a duel.

Sometimes it really is about picking your battle, and knowing that if only one was knocked out, then at least I didn’t die, and I’ll make it another round.

I am doing a lot better than I used to, but my addictions win more often than I would like. It’s a battle I’ve been practicing at for over 7 years and I still loose occasionally, but the little voice of inspiration said that I make it look too easy, and I need everyone to know it’s not.

The text conversation at the beginning of this post, was from the middle of a 5 hour shift yesterday. I was working front desk and it was a little slower for a change. Usually not a bad thing, so I never complain when it’s slow. The one exception caused my message to Nathan, I didn’t say a word to other staff because of embarrassment.

I was feeling weak, and probably could have used help, but it might as well have been the conversation I had to have over a shotgun which I couldn’t get out of my mind. I simply couldn’t have that conversation, over goodies, and with people that don’t really care about me to begin with. They care that I show up, do my job, and when shit hits the fan that I can handle it. They simply don’t want to have a conversation about, “hey, can you hide the goodies from me, my brain is torturing me already, …please?”

So I didn’t say anything.

An hour in, I had already looked at the box of Ding-Dongs over a dozen times. The brand new unopened box of Godiva chocolates had almost had as many views, but because it was unopened I wasn’t certain it was for staff, and kept telling myself someone would come pick it up any minute.

At one point I got so flustered that I got up abruptly, and quickly walked to the mail room, forgetting there’s a camera in there. As soon as the black globe caught my periphery, I froze in blush. Quick thinking, I gestured like I was looking for something and left. Only problem was, I noticed the box of brittle, I’d forgotten about, on the mailroom counter as I turned to leave.

I stood in the empty hall trying to figure out what I was doing, why, and what I needed to do. On my way back to the desk seat, I grabbed my seaweed pack and consumed it crunchily instead.

I drank a full bottle of water.

I amused myself on my phone for a little bit.

Then I noticed one too many glances in the directions of goodies again. At that point, I was lone staff, because the other person was delivering day-sheets throughout the building.

I got up and paced the floor. I refilled my water bottle and glanced at the brittle again on my way past. I grabbed my celery and sat to eat it, not quite even having gotten to hour two yet. I thought ‘better not eat it all, just in case’.

It was a little limp for not having eaten my sticks for 3 days. I’m burnt out on celery and it’s lost any appeal it ever did have, even the peanut-butter is losing any appeal to my taste buds. I ate about 6 celery sticks, each dipped once in peanut-butter. That was more than enough. I closed lids and left it sitting right in front of me.

Approximately 30 minutes later, my text to Nathan (above) went out as I was losing my resolve. Almost 3 hours into my shift, the Ding-Dongs were looking far too tempting. How was I going to make it another two?

I decided if I couldn’t managed a TKO, then at least the worst option should go down in flames. Instead of: gluten, and red-40, and chocolate, and sugar, and chemicals (all things found in Ding-Dongs that are bad for my system); I chose to go for the least impact, especially since the Godiva box was unopened and questionable. So Brittle won, and Ding-Dongs and chocolate were knocked-out!

Me and brittle. Mmmmm.

When I went to retrieve a piece, I got a big chunk with two smaller ones stuck to it. I decided I’d eat the two small bits and save the big one for later.

As my last two hours ticked by it was: celery stick with pb, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle and so on. Every few minutes a nibble of something. I also worked on a non-vital computer task to distract myself.

It worked. I ended up eating only brittle beyond my regular celery and seaweed I take everyday.

In the ring we have Valentine Ding-Dongs, Godiva Assortiment, Apple Pie Peanut Brittle, and Treasa with her green shit. And let the fight begin! …. Oh Treasa is taking some hard hits there, but she stays standing every time. Oh, she’s fighting back, 1-2, oh, the right hook…. Now APPB has sided with her, oh my folks, who’s going to win this battle royale! … And the winning team is Treasa with greens and Apple Pie Brittle! …Crowd goes wild!…. Aaaaa!

Sorry for the corney ring-side joke, I grew up on things like that.

Anyway, my point is, I didn’t say anything to anyone except Nathan, and he even only got a couple of texts. But for me it was 5 hours of torture, mostly mental – granted, and a very strategic battle to overcome the worst damages of losing altogether. It’s hard to know what’s going on inside another person’s head, and it’s even harder when they have 20 years of experience hiding it. I’m not perfect at anything, but I highly doubt the other two people that worked via the front office yesterday, had any clue I was even having a mental battle, let alone that the two culprits to trigger it were within reach all day.

They were oblivious to my mental torture, because I’ve spent 20 years either fighting it silently, or withdrawing from the world. When I withdraw, I’ve either lost the battle and given in fully, or I sleep it off and hope I wake to less triggering things. I’m glad to report that these days, my withdrawal periods are few, fairly well distanced from one another, and short lived.

So if you’re struggling with an addiction, even if it is “just food”, know it’s hard. It sucks, and takes everything you’ve got to function as normal as possible, but it’s worth it. On one hand my addiction won’t kill me with one oopse (overdose), but it’s so many places in life that it’s super easy to get and often people readily supply the worst versions for me. I don’t even have to pay anything for mine to be triggered. And those people that say it’s just food… They have no clue the chemical storm that an addiction stirrs in your brain, regardless of what the trigger is. I would also add that known reactions to chemicals used in some foods, are indicative of some of the same known reactions to some recreational drugs. Sugar has been compared to hard drugs like cocaine in numerous studies on brain function. So, it may be just food, but it’s still very much an addiction.

It’s time that everyone get some slack for how hard we’re all working to overcome challenges, especially when many of us are very much addicted to “just food”. An addiction is hard no matter what “it” is. If you’re fighting at all then you deserve a damned medal.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself some love for it.

Also, find people you can confide in. I have my Nathan, but he gets tired of hearing of some the same things repeatedly, we all do. You need enough people to confide in that they don’t get sick of it, but don’t utilize having more options as a reason for complaining more. Keep in mind everything you talk about and focus on brings more of it, so if you focus on the battle too much you’ll just get more battle. So, regardless of my embarrassment, I still do my best to talk about my battles as little as possible, in an attempt to reduce their frequency. It is working, just very slowly.

Those of us fighting the good fight, we rock. Anyone that wants to put you down or belittle your efforts can take a hike or KMA. We are fighting addictions of a wide variety that didn’t exist 100 years ago. We have a bigger challenge than most in older generations would even consider. Appreciate your own efforts and thank your body every single day, that you have a chance to try again. Give your own self some love for all the things you survived, and apologize to every organ sincerely explaining your doing your level best with all the challenges that come your way.

Know it could be worse, there always something that’s worse. But also know that you are winning a tough battle and that makes you amazing.

May you triggers always be conveniently out of reach, literally or metaphorically. May you know you have loving support if you need it, and the ability to discern if it’s better to distract yourself and attempt to attract fewer battles. May you have confidence in your ability to overcome and succeed in all endeavors. May you love yourself for all that you have managed to accomplish. May you know you’re on the right track. May you know you are loved and supported by God in all that you do, and everything you need.

Om Shanti

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

Challenges of Finding Balance

Mere Observations from different settings and perspectives:

Where this blog began in my thought processes was based on two people and their interactions. I could see both sides of the situation, the logic that was being employed by both, but where their dissonance was causing a “butting of heads” so to speak. They were failing to see each other’s perspective to find common ground and work together to a common goal. So I decided to write it out from multiple standpoints which I have seen the same moment play out repeatedly over the years.

Case Study 1: Corporate Structure

Corporations are merely businesses of a particular structure, usually we think of corporations as being larger businesses. This is not always true, but for this case study I am referencing larger businesses.

Each large business entity is still a business with an original intent. Businesses have goals to meet specific needs of their target consumers. They want to solve Problem X for Population A and in turn do so in a way to, sooner than later, make a profit. Their goal is to do a good job solving Problem X, for the lowest cost, to make both the consumer and their board and stock holders happy. Every business, large or small, functions on this very basic oversimplified concept.

With that in mind, businesses usually then want very skilled employees that are very dependable and efficient at fulfilling each particular role in the company. The more efficient and skilled the employees are, the better able they are to complete tasks properly and in a timely manner, saving money on both production labor and customer satisfaction. The more skilled and efficient, the more can be completed, so then companies often either seek better and better employees, or push their employees to continually reach for improving themselves.

Yet, at the same time, nearly all employees have similar goals. Their goals being self-improvement, higher efficiency, better skills sets. This is not only for a current position, but in case they need to seek a new position for any reason. They often are continually thinking about their lives, where they are headed, what they need or want to accomplish. Often family is a factor and a knowing that bigger family requires more resources and thus a step up in income. Always looking up to the next best thing. It is human nature to want improvement and most seek that improvement through incremental action steps.

Does the corporation ever notice when the employees accomplish a step of self-improvement on their own? Does the company ever reward the employees that do continually strive to better themselves? Does the company back off on the pushing of that goal when all of the employees are working together as best as could be expected? Is there ever acknowledgement of stasis- for the technology that currently exists and the employees available to the company, the company has reached the most optimum efficiency possible? Does the company ever step back and examine their fees structure and wage structure to examine if they are paying a living wage? For example, if one company hired a married couple with 2 children, would that family be able to survive on the wages that the company was paying those 2 individuals, or would the family have to create additional income? The same could apply to a singular individual. Does the company ever evaluate their choices in benefits to see if their choice is actually helpful to their employees, wages are even more vital if benefits do not cover what they are supposed to cover? For example, my worthless insurance through the activities position that paid for 2 labs, 1 chiropractic visit, and $4 of my pregnancy/birth; the policy cost me $700, my employer $3,000 and still left me with another $3,500 out of pocket. Big dollars for negligible worth.

At the same time, there is responsibility for the employee as well. Two sides must work together to accomplish a unified goal. Do employees ever contemplate the cost of their accidental lapses in the grander scheme? For instance, I missed the trash can and didn’t pick it up, if every employee did that once a day, how much extra housekeeping costs does that incur? Do employees ever contemplate the amount of overhead that companies incur, insurance and utilities, and do employees ever make strides to help reduce those costs? Accident free workplaces have lower company insurance costs. Turning off back-room and store-closet lights,etc. save on utility overhead. Using washable towels or hand-dryers help reduce waste and overhead. Working together with co-workers instead of arguing can not only solve problems more quickly, but lead to greater efficiency in general.

Every action of every work day has the potential to cost both the employee and the company in different ways, and both sides are equally responsible for coming together and thinking of the other to help improve the greater outcome for both sides. We’re all in this boat together, its up to us all whether we sink and swim, or row to shore.

Case Study 2: Small Business and their Dealings

Small business go through the same problems as large businesses, but the effects are often seen much faster. Where I currently work it can be seen in as simple as paper-towel usage when employees forget to utilize washable towels, costing the company extra cases of paper-towels. Even moments like efficiency being affected by laundry screeching to a halt when one practitioner gets behind or forgets their load has even been run (I’m most guilty of that one). However, there can often be other behind the scenes moments that take their toll.

One such moment I witnessed in another company was about a business deal going sideways. One person was the buyer, and as buyer they wanted to save as much as possible knowing that there would be long-term costs to look forward to. They wanted to make very certain they could handle the end result. Additionally, as any buyer would, they wanted to save money if possible. So they were looking for every possible option to require the seller to cover costs, and thus reduce potential long term concerns. (I might have benefited from a little of this perspective on my home purchase, but still consider myself very fortunate to have found a home in such good shape, so I’ll cross fingers that it pans out to my benefit long-term anyway.)

The seller however, was looking for someone that they trusted and felt was committed to the deal. Someone that would be able to follow through and assume the full responsibility of what the deal would entail long term. They were searching for a capable buyer that could handle all of the aspects of the result of the deal. The repeat requests for seller to pay began to come off as the appearance that the buyer might not be able to handle the results of the sale and everything might collapse anyway- that the buyer might not be responsible enough or financially stable enough (the same concern most mortgage companies deal with and thus require so much in financial documentation). Being that customers would be affected regardless of the longer term results, the seller might have been questioning if the decision to sell was a good idea, as perhaps another buyer might be a better fit.

As conflict ensued it was clear that neither was contemplating the other side’s view and neither was reaching for the common middle ground. The buyer could call it good with what was already requested, and the seller could state that certain things be a good faith equivalent to ernest money in a home buying situation. Some form of common ground like that could set the deal back on it’s original trajectory. (Of course that is where I lost track of things having moved on with my own journey, so I’m not sure if they were actually able to find that common ground or not. I sincerely hope they did, and that everything ultimately went smoothly.)

So even in small bushiness and small business deals, there is still a responsibility for both sides to find common ground and work toward common goals. There is still a responsibility for everyone to contemplate their actions and how they affect others involved. There is still a responsibility for us to attempt to reach for our better functioning, more efficient, more skilled selves as often as possible. Yet, is it just in our working lives?

Case Study 3: Relationships

Relationships also require the same thought processes and reaching for common ground.

Even if a relationship has a strong connection, that bond of love that is felt not seen, it can fall prey to many of the same challenges that businesses and employees see. That is when you start finding yourself in moments where someone feels hurt or disrespected. That is when you find moments of arguments and bickering. We are all human and do have lapses, and it is very important to find forgiveness for lapses, especially when they are unintended. However, if one partner in a close relationship has begun to disregard the importance of self-improvement and consideration of others, and how their daily actions affect the whole, that is then where relationships tend to fall apart. It is one thing to have a lapse and another to completely turn away from all of those considerations.

So I leave you with a final set of considerations that can apply to any relationship.

  • How are my actions affecting those I care about?
  • Am I improperly prioritizing things in my life: am I putting things before people, or am I putting recreation before necessary functions?
  • Am I creating extra work by being careless, forgetful, or disorganized?
  • Am I relying on others to catch my back too often?
  • Can I be more proactive, or another way to put that is am I being too lazy or blase?
  • Do I consider other’s feelings or their needs when I choose to do things, or choose to do them in a certain way or at a certain time?
  • Am I considerate of how my actions might affect overhead (bills, utilities, fuel, etc.) or scheduling concerns?
  • Am I supportive of others in a similar manner, kindly reminding them of things that are affecting my needs and asking politely for adjustments when needed?
  • Can I be doing more, or can I be more helpful?
  • Am I being a good listener and conveying that I do feel concern for their state of being and their needs?
  • Am I offering help with proper timing and with their needs considered?

If you find yourself reading these considerations, and gagging at the thought of putting them into action in a particular relationship, you might not be in a good relationship already. It might be time to move on from that relationship, but only you can answer that. If they seem challenging, but worth it, then you are on track for improving your stance in a solid relationship. Again, this can be any relationship, family, friend, or co-worker.

Again, this post was written merely because I noticed an overlapping trend, triggered by one particular pair of people in my life experience. I only hope for our society, our country, our world to reach more often for common ground and work toward common goals. Politics has definitely triggered that desire in me strongly, but my daily life reinforced it.

May we all find common ground and reach for common goals. May we all work together to solve problems and meet needs. May we find ways to better ourselves, and in that better our lives and the whole world. May we all have successful ventures and find a way to make ‘both’ happy. May we easily consider our actions on others and reach for ways to do better. May we all think of how our actions impact our daily existence in as many ways as possible. Finally, may we all reach for better.

Siva Hir Su