Yesterday was my weekly day off. I had a list of things to do, but as is often the case with a family, my list did not go as planned. Families are rarely well oiled machines like jobs. It is what it is.
What I did manage to accomplish was my poster for kids to learn Abraham Hicks’ emotional scale.
My goal was to take these two found images:
Then add graphics for my kids to understand.
My first blush was smilies like on phones/tablets, they seem to be a major factor in communication these days and kids are supposedly born “cable ready” so to speak. My 6 year old navigates a tablet amazingly well for someone that can’t really read the language he speaks. So if I’m trying to help him, I pretty much have to utilize what he knows.
So I built smilies from scratch in CorelDraw. I added them to a 20×30 inch document, the desired size for printing. I made my own version of a rainbow mirrored tornado/vortex. Then I added all the words that are in the original emotional scale, and a couple extra simple ones my kids frequently use. I placed smilies and hearts and stars, but stopped short of adding a tombstone at the bottom of the negatives.
My first attempt at printing was met with disaster because Walgreens print software tells it to fill the page and eliminate any white space, which caused the top and bottom to be chopped off. I actually had intended to have the white space for more focus. But, since their software did that, I had to add a background for it to print properly. I chose bubbles to match the shape of the smiley faces.
An hour later I had a poster to hang on the wall to help teach my children. This is the final image.
Anyway, it is now hung in the hallway between rooms so that my whole family can see it frequently.
I was happy I finally got to it, and accomplished a creative helpful tool for my kids to learn. It’s a quadruple accomplishment in my book. That puts me right at the top of that emotional scale 🤪🤩!
Then today, I worked and did clerical and front desk at the clinic. I was the ‘head cheeze’ on this day. It wasn’t too bad, I only got frustrated a couple of times when something wasn’t processing correctly. But I was constantly fighting off the negatives of that darn scale, on the invisible mental spectrum.
Some were definitely mine, related to my feelings about things in my 3D experience. Some felt external though, old familiar sensations in my body activating with them, telling me whom they might apply to.
Either way I’m pretty sure I climbed that emotional scale over a dozen times today, and only really lost twice. Once just before leaving work, I was sitting quietly waiting, and the emotions hit so hard I started crying and tossed my mask at the computer. The other was after getting home. I’ve managed to climb back up from both, which is good.
In-between, after climbing up from mask-toss, I was greeted by rainbows on my way home. They were beautiful. I managed to get pictures, pulling over 3 times to snap phone shots.
I wanted to share, because I acknowledged that I love the sun, and I love rainbows, and you can’t have rainbows without both the sun and the rain. There will always be a little of something you don’t love, even when it’s mostly something you do love.
So here are my beautiful rainbow pictures:
I hope you have an easy time climbing the emotional scale. May you make peace with the undesired, especially when something desired is your object of attention. May you find quadruple accomplishments. May you enjoy your days mostly and find emotional stability when you need it most. May you know that God loves and supports you in everything that you do.
Ok, so sometimes my addictions, turn into a Multi-player Mortal Kombat round. I’m just as proud of myself, if the worst one of the ‘enemies’ is the one knocked out, as I would be winning a duel.
Sometimes it really is about picking your battle, and knowing that if only one was knocked out, then at least I didn’t die, and I’ll make it another round.
I am doing a lot better than I used to, but my addictions win more often than I would like. It’s a battle I’ve been practicing at for over 7 years and I still loose occasionally, but the little voice of inspiration said that I make it look too easy, and I need everyone to know it’s not.
The text conversation at the beginning of this post, was from the middle of a 5 hour shift yesterday. I was working front desk and it was a little slower for a change. Usually not a bad thing, so I never complain when it’s slow. The one exception caused my message to Nathan, I didn’t say a word to other staff because of embarrassment.
I was feeling weak, and probably could have used help, but it might as well have been the conversation I had to have over a shotgun which I couldn’t get out of my mind. I simply couldn’t have that conversation, over goodies, and with people that don’t really care about me to begin with. They care that I show up, do my job, and when shit hits the fan that I can handle it. They simply don’t want to have a conversation about, “hey, can you hide the goodies from me, my brain is torturing me already, …please?”
So I didn’t say anything.
An hour in, I had already looked at the box of Ding-Dongs over a dozen times. The brand new unopened box of Godiva chocolates had almost had as many views, but because it was unopened I wasn’t certain it was for staff, and kept telling myself someone would come pick it up any minute.
At one point I got so flustered that I got up abruptly, and quickly walked to the mail room, forgetting there’s a camera in there. As soon as the black globe caught my periphery, I froze in blush. Quick thinking, I gestured like I was looking for something and left. Only problem was, I noticed the box of brittle, I’d forgotten about, on the mailroom counter as I turned to leave.
I stood in the empty hall trying to figure out what I was doing, why, and what I needed to do. On my way back to the desk seat, I grabbed my seaweed pack and consumed it crunchily instead.
I drank a full bottle of water.
I amused myself on my phone for a little bit.
Then I noticed one too many glances in the directions of goodies again. At that point, I was lone staff, because the other person was delivering day-sheets throughout the building.
I got up and paced the floor. I refilled my water bottle and glanced at the brittle again on my way past. I grabbed my celery and sat to eat it, not quite even having gotten to hour two yet. I thought ‘better not eat it all, just in case’.
It was a little limp for not having eaten my sticks for 3 days. I’m burnt out on celery and it’s lost any appeal it ever did have, even the peanut-butter is losing any appeal to my taste buds. I ate about 6 celery sticks, each dipped once in peanut-butter. That was more than enough. I closed lids and left it sitting right in front of me.
Approximately 30 minutes later, my text to Nathan (above) went out as I was losing my resolve. Almost 3 hours into my shift, the Ding-Dongs were looking far too tempting. How was I going to make it another two?
I decided if I couldn’t managed a TKO, then at least the worst option should go down in flames. Instead of: gluten, and red-40, and chocolate, and sugar, and chemicals (all things found in Ding-Dongs that are bad for my system); I chose to go for the least impact, especially since the Godiva box was unopened and questionable. So Brittle won, and Ding-Dongs and chocolate were knocked-out!
Me and brittle. Mmmmm.
When I went to retrieve a piece, I got a big chunk with two smaller ones stuck to it. I decided I’d eat the two small bits and save the big one for later.
As my last two hours ticked by it was: celery stick with pb, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle and so on. Every few minutes a nibble of something. I also worked on a non-vital computer task to distract myself.
It worked. I ended up eating only brittle beyond my regular celery and seaweed I take everyday.
In the ring we have Valentine Ding-Dongs, Godiva Assortiment, Apple Pie Peanut Brittle, and Treasa with her green shit. And let the fight begin! …. Oh Treasa is taking some hard hits there, but she stays standing every time. Oh, she’s fighting back, 1-2, oh, the right hook…. Now APPB has sided with her, oh my folks, who’s going to win this battle royale! … And the winning team is Treasa with greens and Apple Pie Brittle! …Crowd goes wild!…. Aaaaa!
Sorry for the corney ring-side joke, I grew up on things like that.
Anyway, my point is, I didn’t say anything to anyone except Nathan, and he even only got a couple of texts. But for me it was 5 hours of torture, mostly mental – granted, and a very strategic battle to overcome the worst damages of losing altogether. It’s hard to know what’s going on inside another person’s head, and it’s even harder when they have 20 years of experience hiding it. I’m not perfect at anything, but I highly doubt the other two people that worked via the front office yesterday, had any clue I was even having a mental battle, let alone that the two culprits to trigger it were within reach all day.
They were oblivious to my mental torture, because I’ve spent 20 years either fighting it silently, or withdrawing from the world. When I withdraw, I’ve either lost the battle and given in fully, or I sleep it off and hope I wake to less triggering things. I’m glad to report that these days, my withdrawal periods are few, fairly well distanced from one another, and short lived.
So if you’re struggling with an addiction, even if it is “just food”, know it’s hard. It sucks, and takes everything you’ve got to function as normal as possible, but it’s worth it. On one hand my addiction won’t kill me with one oopse (overdose), but it’s so many places in life that it’s super easy to get and often people readily supply the worst versions for me. I don’t even have to pay anything for mine to be triggered. And those people that say it’s just food… They have no clue the chemical storm that an addiction stirrs in your brain, regardless of what the trigger is. I would also add that known reactions to chemicals used in some foods, are indicative of some of the same known reactions to some recreational drugs. Sugar has been compared to hard drugs like cocaine in numerous studies on brain function. So, it may be just food, but it’s still very much an addiction.
It’s time that everyone get some slack for how hard we’re all working to overcome challenges, especially when many of us are very much addicted to “just food”. An addiction is hard no matter what “it” is. If you’re fighting at all then you deserve a damned medal.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself some love for it.
Also, find people you can confide in. I have my Nathan, but he gets tired of hearing of some the same things repeatedly, we all do. You need enough people to confide in that they don’t get sick of it, but don’t utilize having more options as a reason for complaining more. Keep in mind everything you talk about and focus on brings more of it, so if you focus on the battle too much you’ll just get more battle. So, regardless of my embarrassment, I still do my best to talk about my battles as little as possible, in an attempt to reduce their frequency. It is working, just very slowly.
Those of us fighting the good fight, we rock. Anyone that wants to put you down or belittle your efforts can take a hike or KMA. We are fighting addictions of a wide variety that didn’t exist 100 years ago. We have a bigger challenge than most in older generations would even consider. Appreciate your own efforts and thank your body every single day, that you have a chance to try again. Give your own self some love for all the things you survived, and apologize to every organ sincerely explaining your doing your level best with all the challenges that come your way.
Know it could be worse, there always something that’s worse. But also know that you are winning a tough battle and that makes you amazing.
May you triggers always be conveniently out of reach, literally or metaphorically. May you know you have loving support if you need it, and the ability to discern if it’s better to distract yourself and attempt to attract fewer battles. May you have confidence in your ability to overcome and succeed in all endeavors. May you love yourself for all that you have managed to accomplish. May you know you’re on the right track. May you know you are loved and supported by God in all that you do, and everything you need.
I was working on finding my joy, my connection to God. Intrusive thoughts were hampering that, and I got stuck on one.
But because I was headed towards better, I saw them in a whole different light. I thought, if people love their guns so much, why don’t they want to experience them fully?
If you really loved guns, you would want to hold them, caress them, fondle them, kiss them. And if you were really, really in love with guns you would want to experience them as fully as you could. So while you were kissing it, you’d just pull the trigger and it would take you to God instantly. That is the truest fullest expression of experience of the thing called a gun. That would be the ultimate experience of that creation.
Yet, people that swear they love guns can never bring themselves to fully experience it.
You know what I love?
I love art and music and cuddling kitties and seeing my kids smile. I love relaxing in sunshine and playing with my children. I love seeing my husband smile and relax. I love love. I love companionship. I love yoga, comfortable exercise, and being healthy. I love helping others heal and relax and feel better.
Did you know that all of my things take me to God too?
I let myself do them as much as I can, and I experience them in as many ways as possible, and as often as possible. Yet, I’m not sure that any single one of my loves could take me to God as fully as the gun. I’m not sure I could ever find so much joy and pleasure in any one of my desires that I would get to release to God immediately.
Oh, I’ve tried.
I have immersed myself in art so much that a whole day disappears, and I never ate or drank or even needed to go to the bathroom. My mind only registered art.
I have immersed myself in music enough to loose a few hours at a time.
I immersed myself in birthing two children. With my son I barely noticed 12.5 hours had passed. With my daughter I barely noticed 24 hours passed.
I have immersed myself in work at several points in my adult life and looked back to a whole year having passed and saying “where did the time go?”.
But never has one of my loves taken me all the way to God, wholly and completely.
The gun, it’s unique. If you are willing to experience it as fully as it was intended, it’ll take you straight to God.
Maybe we should all make love to the gun.
Or maybe that’s why we’re so damn afraid of it.
We’re afraid of what God would say if we experienced it fully and completely. If that’s the case, why do you love them?
Things that seem questionable to me are not things that I find love and joy in. I have tried things as an adult I knew immediately felt wrong. I have avoided things that didn’t even need tested or tried to feel wrong. My body tells me things it doesn’t love and I walk away from them as best as I’m able, even when it’s inconvenient.
If it feels good and feels better that is what we are supposed to reach for, to the fullest of our ability. No matter what that is. No matter if it is daunting, challenging, inconvenient, or expensive. If it brings joy, go there, fully and completely and it will connect you with God to the fullest of it’s ability. All of this world is creation, and all of it has a place for some reason, experience it as fully as you are able.
Food for thought.
May you know what you truly love, and be able to experience it fully. May your loves take you as close as possible to God. May you know God loves you, and supports everything that you really love.