Tag Archives: divine influence

Short

This is a short call for help. I am going to do my best to suspend the storyline of my family, because I simply can’t handle the possibility of amplifying anything.

Please see that our current reality is simply the worst of the storm about to pass. Please know we are in healing crisis and need every prayer to get through. All of us, but especially Nathan, and Katherine. I’m on top of my shit and it sucks, but I know I’ll get myself through, so my pleas are to protect my family should I fail.

See us as whole and complete, healed from all of the toxic elements. That our bodies have shed the toxic and healed fully. That all damages have been healed and improved. That we have more than enough help and more than enough resources to get through. Please see us feeling better and better, faster and faster. Please see us enjoying life again. Every positive that I have ever written about, focus there.

While you are at it, see the whole world heal and improve. For even though I know I’m in the midst of the worst, I also know it’s not just me. We all need the relief of healing fully.

May we all feel better and begin to see the calm return after the storm begins to clear. May you know your prayers matter. May you live life fully and enjoy your days mostly.

Cho Ku Rei, Dai Ko Mio, Siva Hir Su

Above all, Om Shanti: Peace BE in everything in the whole universe.

Patience

I’m again squeezing this post in between more important things, so hopefully I’ll be clear and concise.

I haven’t been writing for multiple reasons. Nathan’s journey, tax season, other stressers, and my general overwhlement with all of it. But I need to, my brain needs some emptying.

We have had our cannabis cards for about a week now, and our hammocks almost the same, but weather has not been nice enough to enjoy both. Plus, it seems I am still my responsible self and working and behaving, instead of taking time off. Essentially, I’ve been taking high doses of CBD/CBG during the day (90+mg heavy on the CBD and light on CbG by virtue of what I have access to right now) and enjoying the full herbal potential in the evenings. It has created an interesting dichotomy.

On one hand, I’m generally feeling better and inflammation is down some. I’m managing to retain sanity enough to manage the stresses and function at work as employers would prefer.

On the other hand, I am experiencing an intense detox probably from virus laden cells dieing off, which ultimately is a really good sign. Mixed with that is a  mental, emotional and energetic mess. The mental and emotional I have partly chalked up to the detox, as they are common symptoms of detox.

Yet, there are moments that I just know it’s more than that. The stuff that I have experienced the past week has been akin to stories of peyote journies, and on some levels seems straight up bizarre. I wonder if I will ever get to the bottom of the negatives, bad karma, and heal myself.

Some of the moments in my recent experience have been clear to me, as not actually being mine, be it karmic dis-ease or otherwise. Part of me feels like, I and my whole family, are being directly impacted by my father’s experience.

At one point my 6 year old son asked us why didn’t we make apple fritters, and then told us he could show us how. It became a whole discussion of where did he hear that or learn about them, because with the health journey we are on, that simply wouldn’t make the cut for an appropriate food, so nether I nor my husband have even talked about or referenced them as a food item. Anya denied having talked about them, and Ian said he didn’t know and couldn’t remember. Yet I know my father would have said those words, and I wonder if in that moment he was telling someone that.

There have been several moments like that, but I honestly don’t know if it is my father in real time, or karmic dis-ease manifesting in our world. I am the center of my law of attraction universe, and I passed on a disease to my family which I caught as a child. That disease is clearly the result of generations of energetic dis-ease, not just in how it attacks the body and brain, but in the energy of it. It carries an air of massive detrimental “shoulda, coulda, woulda”, full of doubt and self-distrust. It has manifested in moments of negative impulsivity in my son, and familiar negative over-reactions from everyone. Moments of  “you’re stealing from us”, “you’re lieing to me”, “I don’t belong here”, etc, and over-reactions of a wide variety. You name it, it’s probably happened this week, and I have turned “if it feels bad, it’s not me” into a broken record and have even been telling my family to repeat it as well. Yet, that phrase and cannabis, and we’re still struggling to keep the vibration of our home, and our selves, up.

All those moments feel like 200 years of built up energetic junk and it left me wanting to scream at the universe to get it out of me. I want nothing to do with it anymore. I want permanently severed from this disease, I didn’t ask for it, my family didn’t ask for it, and we deserve for it to be healed fully and completely. I am doing everything in my power to aim at the desired healing, knowing that it is my responsibility to fix my familial karma. No other person in our family has even tried, I’m the only one willing to try, so it’s fallen me to fix it, or generation after generation will continue to be damaged by the ripple.

Last night after another such moment, I went to consume cannabis to correct the ripple in the force. I was so very over the negativity that I took an extra big dose to compensate.

After kids were in bed I proceeded to meditate. A phrase that had contributed to the poem in my previous post started repeating mentally. The phrase sounded like a woman speaking to a man saying “If you don’t let go now, ours is broken” full of anger. After hearing that phrase repeat mentally several times, my right wrist began to burn intensely. I simply couldn’t fully understand what to do with that in the moment.

This morning I had to pause. I know that as a child one of my wrists was fractured, tiny hairline and nothing was done. I was just left to heal on my own. Yet, I was always told it was a window falling on it when I was not quite 2. Now with that moment last night, I wonder if it was a repressed memory of abuse, but seeing as how I’ve made it 38 years thinking a window broke my wrist, I doubt I’ll ever know for sure. Also, it could be karmic junk. If that ripple was in reference to a generation or two before me, then I simply could have accidentally attracted a broken wrist for myself. This whole mess I’m slogging through seems to get more confusing and difficult every day, and I hope it’s just another example of the old adage “sometimes it gets worse before it gets better”. I’m crossing fingers that is the case and that I am close to making it over the difficult hump.

As for the mental moment with the burning wrist, today I apologized to myself:

  • For having gotten the broken wrist
  • For every thought and interaction, in both mine and other’s experiences, which led to that moment
  • For having experienced that difficult moment
  • For having been hurt emotionally
  • For now having any lingering effects of that trauma
  • For not knowing how to fully heal when I was a child
  • For not knowing how to heal fully to this day
  • For not being able to control any of it
  • For all the elements that I could think of, here and now, then, and even before then- the abuse that was perpetuated in that moment was started ages before
  • Etc, etc

Then I told myself things I know to help heal:

  • I’m a beautiful person
  • I never deserved any trauma, let alone a broken wrist and possibly repressed memories of even worse abuses
  • I never deserved the disease and neither do my children and husband
  • I am loving and caring and doing my best to squelch this dis-ease
  • I deserve help from God and so do my kids and husband
  • We all deserve to heal and be free of this karmic sludge
  • I deserve better, we all deserve better
  • Etc, etc

It is all in an effort to allow God to help heal, and to allow ease to replace disease. First acknowledge the problem, second reach for a solution, utilize tools to help, clean up the thoughts, and allow your body the space to complete the healing process.

So now today I am consuming all of my supplements and very little else wise. I’m taking as many moments as possible to sit with the quiet stillness of the healing process, which means that even though I needed to purge thoughts, I shorted myself downtime during the day. It may mean an early bedtime for me.

My father is in the hospital again, and I can’t bring myself to call. 1) I know he is in good hands. 2) I’m at my limit and cannot handle anything else, so my fear of fanning flames or causing more ripples for myself is strong. I know I have already said my piece to him, and have waited for his genuine apologies without expectation of ever getting the fullness of what I would like to hear. I have given up and given in, and begged and pleaded with the divine to permanently sever the energetic connection which I have with him. Ease and peace for me would be to permanently release him and all his family’s karma from my and my children’s/husband’s life now, and any lifetime hereafter. I have repeated many times over, you can’t call someone that is already dead. The disease must die and the easiest way I am aware of is to release everything related to it. I’m even willing to release myself if it means that my chosen family has a lifetime of healthy joyous living.

May you see your path to healing and navigate the side-effects easily. May you know you are getting there and actually doing it. May you have patience and love for yourself first. May you send love to the people and events that led to the current state of dis-ease. May you have all of the support that you need. Together may we all find ways to heal and eliminate karmic dis-ease for all of humanity. May you know that the divine loves and supports you fully and completely.

Om Shanti

Being selfish.

I have conceded again, that anything I have desired involving other people is pointless, because invariably they have their own hot mess that I can’t solve.

I can’t make anyone do anything, and now I know that I can pull up when their actions sting, even when there are layers and layers of sting.

I can only help myself be a better person, no matter what.

I can only help myself feel better, no matter what.

I know I can do anything that I choose to do.

I know I am very capable of a wide array of skilled activities.

I know I am skilled enough to learn anything I don’t already know. I am skilled enough to do many great things.

I have been responsible for many people and over many years. I have done everything I was supposed to do, be it based on parental or societal dictations. I’ve even learned how to best care for myself.

I am capable. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am good at everything I choose to do.

I have even learned to controll my emotions. It takes me less time, every time I do it. I know how to find happy, and it’s getting quicker and quicker.

I am enough.

I like feeling good. I appreciate this healing. My whole family deserves the same healing.

I have been fully responsible.

Now what?

I don’t know.

I see the fallacy of my childhood dreams, my idea of perfection is nearly impossible because it would require attempting to control others. The magic lies in letting the divine orchestrate the details.

My problem now lies in that; letting go of my dreams completely carries an emptiness of my own role, I don’t need to orchestrate my Atira, in just such a way. I have accomplished an ability to find peace and happiness no matter what. I have accomplished an ability to see all of the unconditional elements I desired, in my current place of now. Knowing I can work myself towards feeling better, feeling good, and seeing all of the basic desires manifested, leaves me feeling goal-less.

There is nothing I yearn for. There is nothing I desire. There is nothing that I feel is missing or needing accomplished. I can’t even label anything that I really want anymore.

There are some silly things like places to travel to, or things to do, but there is nothing I really desperately want. Pretty much everything has lost its draw.

I am okay with whatever. The Divine can decide for me, no matter what that means. I finally feel like I’ve detached from everything. Nothing is necessary, nothing is vital, and nothing even stands out as a major interest. I am open to anything or nothing, whichever God and Goddess dictate. Death does not scare me, and I’m already living in a crazy stupid world, full of chaos and negativity, so I obviously can handle that. Perhaps there is some other option, if so I’m open to it. Whatever the divine chooses for me.

May you find your peace. May you find full healing. May you see your loved ones healed as well. May you know that everything you need already is here. May you see everything you want and desire in your current reality. May you sense the empty expansion of letting the divine take over and decide for you. May you feel your infinite self and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do. May you trust the divine and allow it to decide for you, even if that might mean death is imminent. May you know that God knows more than you possibly can and will choose the best way for you.

Be still
And know that
I
am
God

First do no harm
So mote it be

Om Shanti