Tag Archives: divine love

What peace looks like to me.

This is segment 4 of my inspired climb up the vibrational scale this weekend. I knew that to get good things, I must focus on good things, and I used pleasant memories to do that. I’ll go through some of them here. I apologise in advance, it’ll probably be a long one, this really makes me feel good.


Peace to me feels like the private clothing-optional spiritually-open camp that Nathan and I used to frequent (kids & then Covid rules deterred that for a long while). It was so safe, and so secure, and so accepting that even at nearly 300 pounds I could lay naked in the sun. Peace is that feeling of knowing that it’s truly okay and safe to just be me, absorbing beautiful suns’ rays, no matter what that looked like to others. Peace was knowing that there were others of every body type, every age, every gender identity, every sexual identity, and many religious preferences, all doing the same thing. We were all finding immense pleasure experiencing nature’s bounty in our god given skin, being 100% authentic. The overwhelming knowing that everyone is not only safe to be themselves, but accepted as themselves, was so very relieving.

The organization that created that environment went to great lengths to ensure that it was sacred safe ground. They cloaked the land in energy so strong that just stepping foot there soothes nerves. It is so laden with divine goodness that nearly anything goes. You can literally do anything you want as long as it doesn’t create a problem needing external support (police, fire, ambulance). Even drunken debauchery was well accepted, you could participate or not, whatever you want, and everyone knew that. We knew we didn’t have to tell others what not to do, if we didn’t think it was appropriate for ourselves we just didn’t participate. If you did participate in activities like that, even the after effects were lessened compared to external environments, i.e. hangovers were lowered in severity.

Many trips to that place brought many things to appreciate. There were woods and paths to hike, naked if you so choose. There was a big pond/small lake to swim in, canoes and row boats to float in. There was a giant 4 story stairmaster called the main stairs that went from the co-ed bathouse to the ridge where events happened. There was ample camping with options to choose from. They all bring moments of joy for me.

Everytime I would get to the stairs I would pause. People would always ask if I was okay, or offer that I could do it- I could make it up/down them. But my pause was never about the physical experience of climbing stairs, even at 300 pounds I knew I could, and fairly easily, only multiple trips got hard. No my pause was appreciation. The view from the top down, dozens of half naked or wholly naked people making the trek. Beautiful sun filtering through tree’s leaves, critters scurrying along side the same staircase not concerned about the people knowing they were equally safe to just be. It was absolutely beautiful and breathtaking. The view from the bottom equally beautiful, especially watching everyone’s butts twitch in unison as they climbed steps. There was always just something so amazing, exciting and peaceful all at the same time. Even writing this I feel my words are not quite good enough for the moment I always took to savor.

The lake, it was just plain safe fun. I remember the first time a fish nibbled my toes and sent me squealing out of the water. I remember swimming, knowing it was already safe, and hearing a man yell ‘freeze’ as a water moccasin made it’s way through the maze of swimmers. We did, we all just stopped splashing, and the snake didn’t even care we were there. It swam an arms length from me, unfazed that I was floating in it’s territory, that is safety. And the big snapping turtle, someone speculated was probably nearly 100 years old because of it’s size, it never did bother us. I always felt like it would swim just out of the humans area to see what we were up to. I think the turtle found us as entertaining as we did it. I can’t count the number of hours I spent swimming in that lake cooling down from my hours basking in the sun. Every trip to camp brought one singular sunburn, often that tanned before we even left camp, I always did come prepared for that. One summer was so hot the sunburn actually was significant and my aloe didn’t cut it. I went to the herbalist that hooked me up with very expensive miracle salve, handmade for healing, and it did- quickly. One jar was enough for several self-baking disasters, and that particular sunburn, though severe, healed in hours with just a few applications of the salve. My skin was grateful.

There was the garden where I would swing, watching bees and hummingbirds do their job. A wide array of flowers and sculptures to gaze upon. The butterflies would swarm in a beautiful cluster and land on your arms, hands, shoulders, and face if you held still enough to let them.

There was a hill by the lake, perfectly round with mulberry and willow trees around the edges, called Venus Mound. We all knew the rattlesnakes had their den under Venus Mound, but if you were quiet and peaceful they would share the hill during prime basking time. It was just a matter of acknowledgement of their presence and respect of their needs too. All who were respectful were safe, and often the snakes would move to accommodate you. That was always awe inspiring for me, though I never tested that very much myself (there is a scardy cat hiding deep inside me).

The most notable experience for me though, out of all of it, was when I learned decompression and re-entry the hard way. My first trip to camp I had never been such a place. It took me a solid day to decompress and begin to feel the relief and realize just how special camp was. You see in daily life we all play roles, and often those roles seem to pigeonhole us into being or acting a certain way. All of life seems to function that way. And I had been told that people whom frequent camp have jobs in every field: doctors, lawyers, police officers, EMTs, blue collar workers, everything; and it is their only safe place, that’s why pictures are not allowed unless direct permission is given. So part of me believed that I was safe, but I’d never really truly lived an experience like that and it just sank in really slowly. After we set-up camp I changed into shorts and a tank top but was otherwise dressed like someone at the store in the summer. Then I started wandering and meeting people. There were a few like me still in civilian clothes, mostly still setting up their campsite. Everyone already set-up seemed to be nearly naked and oh my was it a learning experience. The first woman I saw bigger than me, fully naked, was hugging a twig of a transgender person. I damn near cried and retreated into the woods to hide my blush and remove my bra. Then I met some of the camp elders, showing their age, but freely enjoying camp as much as someone a third their age. And on and on it went. By the end of the first day I managed to go topless with just a sarong on my bottom half. By day two I found the freedom of “naked as a jay bird” in the trees. It was exillirating and amazing. 4 days were spent like that before pack up and the trip home. I had to really convince myself that it was okay and worth while to go back to “normal”. Once home and back to work, it felt almost painful. It took 3 days to readjust to “normal”. My spirit definitely prefers camp, and hates the low vibration of rules and regulations and people telling each other what to do an how to be. I see that, in general, society still has enough really low vibrational people that screw things up for everyone else, that rules are somewhat vital and necessary. However, I definitely would prefer a life lived the way that camp functions. People responsible for themselves allowing others to do as they please as long as it causes no problems for the whole. People openly accepting everyone as who they are, in the entirety of that sense. I look forward to days where or collective vibration raises enough to enable that.

So yes, camp to me is a huge symbol of peace, tranquility, openness, acceptance, freedom, and being 100% truly authentic to your core being. That is what I want to see more of in this world.


I wanted to add a couple more common-place examples of peacefulness and acceptance which we all experience at some point in our lives. Something that we can all reach for the feeling place of. My words about camp may be inspiring, but if you’ve not had a similar experience you might have difficulty reaching for that feeling place.

Hugs, are one such feeling place that nearly everyone experiences at some point in their life. It might be a parent to child, co-workers over a successful work event, significant-others/spouses expressing love, friends in greeting or as support, or even that of hugging a pet. What all hugs have in common is the feeling of love. It is that warm sensation that spreads from your heart. It brings similes to lips and sometimes tears to eyes. It radiates in and all around, making you feel special, supported, and safe. It’s calming yet oddly invigorating. In the moment of any hug, if you close your eyes, it is like God is holding you as their baby. You know you are safe and that the person you are hugging does care in whatever way that moment is celebrating. Even better are the hugs of unconditional love: parents consoling children and lover’s embraces. Those moments carry a love so strong it obliterates everything outside of it. Time stands still and the moment is just the people present. Nothing outside of those arms’ embrace matters and your whole being is enveloped in love. You can almost hear angels sing and there’s a sense of fairies’ sprinkles of magic dust all around. You simply know all is well and it is safe to just be for a moment, however long of a moment you choose. That moment of unconditional-love hugs, is a very similar feeling place to many of my camp memories. It is the same feeling place that God resides, and that connection with the one whom you are hugging is allowing God force to flow in and all around both of you. It is healing and uplifting. It is life affirming. It is a moment of perfection that shifts everything in your experience to a more positive place. It is your freedom to be who you are. Savor every ounce of those moments, remember them frequently. Let them help you even when you can’t recreate that experience in the now. They are God’s gifts to our memory and our thoughts.

Finally, I see children playing happily as another of those moments. It doesn’t have to be your own children, any children you know will do (don’t be a playground creep). When you notice them playing happily, really notice them. Watch their faces, see the sparkle in their eyes. Listen to the giggles and squeals of delight. In those moments children are flowing God. If they sound too loud, it’s because you are too grumbly (I know this from my own experience). Take a moment to check yourself and relax. Really enjoy the fact that they are happy. Truly take a moment to savor their joy. See if you can figure out what is bringing that joy, see if you can feel the ripple of it. Feel for the uplifting sensations, the energetic playfulness that spills forth. If you can feel it and savor it, it will bring more and similar into your experience. If you don’t have access to watching children, then try to remember some moment like that from your own childhood. Those memories can get buried pretty deep under “have to’s” and “should do’s” but they are still in your memory banks somewhere. Reach and dig until you find one and focus so intently you relive the moment. Feel how happy you were, remember how much fun you were having. Those are our blessings just like hugs. Those moments allow God to flow through us and do wonderous things. They feel good and they bring good. We all have those moments somewhere if we allow ourselves to find them again.

The more we focus on these feelings, these moments of peace, of joy, of loving acceptance, the more our world will improve. Let’s all savor our blessings hidden in our memories.


May you have good thought journeys that end up in the highest vibrations possible. May you see and feel our expansion as a collective. May you simply know you are free to be yourself in any and every way possible. May you have safe, uplifting, life affirming environments to recharge in. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do and wants you to know true freedom and safety. May you have more and more good days and find the healing that God knows you deserve.

Om Shanti

Given clarity

When I first started using ‘Siva Hir Su’ as a ‘blessing’ and for Reiki, it was given to me by my ‘ET’ as something that would help. It was during the time that I was on-again off-again with my online love-interest chat-relationship.

It felt like relief, it felt helpful. I used it on myself, and it helped. I used it on my clients and they would feel lighter and leave more relaxed.

Having only ‘heard’ it mentally, I looked up the translation, which was difficult. I suspect it’s sanskrit and resources for translating sanskrit are not easy to use. I ended up piecing together the meaning by comparing sources of translations of both sanskrit and Hindi versions of the words.

I literally had to go word by word, and even then it was difficult because Su has multiple meanings depending on placement and conjugations.

Originally I settled with what fit and flowed best energetically.

Siva is a derivation of Shiva, but specifically in reference to the omnipresent quality, the energy of everything, all that is.

Hir and Su were harder for me.

Hir I eventually found was “quintessence” in Hindi. My most difficult experience for that word was finding a site that I could put what I thought it sounded like and get all the close spellings. It took several tries and I eventually got the aforementioned definition linked to both my spelling and the spelling ‘Heer’.

And su literally seemed to have hundreds of meanings depending on location in the sentence, conjugations, and even gender. But when I was looking at definition of the other two words, the one that seemed to fit best was “good”.

So when I assembled all of the definitions it seemed to mean “the quintessence of all that is, is good”. I thought, that’s interesting, it’s similar to “the light of god is here” which is a common christian prayer and used in Healing Touch treatments.

Regardless, every time I used it, it seemed to help a lot, and clients always walked away feeling better and noticing the difference, especially in the feel of the session.

Recently, however, spirit clarified for me.

I was reminded of Shiva’s destructive side. I was mentally shown stories of the god archetype, and reminded of how many things my father had destroyed (some before there was the ability to enjoy whatever it was, and others before there was ability to create a new better version). Essentially, I understood that ‘Siva Hir Su’ was flowing that portion of God that destroyed the old or negative. It’s not a bad thing, but like guns should be used much more descriminantly than I was when I received it originally.

It’s highest use is when there is an awareness of a negative (worry, fear, anger, blockage, tightness, tension, problem) that removal of said negative would allow for natural God force healing to correct and fill/heal the void.

So, unlike my father, I now have the sense to not destroy something that is too much for healing energy to correct quickly.

For instance, I won’t point it at my husband’s bad heart because he needs to live for his small children and the slower path to healing is better for his situation.

However, with my dad (whom has already decided that “his way or the highway” has failed and has no desire to change himself, so why not throw in the towel), it would be ideal because it would start breaking down those faulty aspects, and if he did die, it doesn’t seem like he would care with as little effort as he has put to staying alive.

So for now, I am trying to navigate the choices to aim it at it’s highest use and purpose. I still use it on clients, but specify for it to destroy the tension and whatever stress is behind it. Also, I have curbed using it on my blog for now because I realized I was putting it at the end after the blessing. I don’t want to destroy the blessing, only the negatives that I am venting about to release. So until I wrap my brain around segmenting each post so that it can just follow the negatives, I’m just avoiding it for now. Eventually, I’ll figure out my new format to reintroduce this helpful tool.

On a side note, today’s struggles from my previous post have stirred an urge to shut off my blog or start a new one. I’m also working through that and doing my best not to act for now. The air is thick and I know it is impacting me, so I’m doing my best to just pull up and do nothing else for now.

May you have gifts of healing and change given to you by God. May you understand fully how to use them properly. May they benefit you as much as anyone you use them on. May you find all the healing you seek. May you have good health and positive vibes in your life. Live long and prosper.

Om Shanti

My experience of Allopathic America

I’m writing today to discuss my current situation and treatment goal, but also to expound on how Allopathic medicine is now a money maker and no longer concerned with general health, well-being or full healing. I of course am only speaking to my experience and knowledge which lies in the Great US of A.

So if you’ve been a regular reader you know the basics. If not the more brief synopsis is:

I’ve lived with undiagnosed thyroid concerns since I was 12 years old, the lonely unknown battle took it’s toll with severe suicidal depression (medications did not solve) and uncontrollable weight. Then, I met a lady on a train when I was 29 that cued me onto iodine and thyroid supplements. Because it was helping her and we had similar histories, I tried it, and lost 45 pounds in a month and then found myself pregnant. When I was 31 I gave birth to my son and my thyroid crashed hard, enough I almost killed myself and I was forced to seek help. Then began my journey dealing with doctors and trying to get accurate dosing and helpful medication to begin with. It forced me to begin learning about thyroid disease, medications and lab testing. I have since battled with doctors to keep my thyroid managed well and have utilized the Auto-immune Paleo diet, iodine supplementation, and seaweed to accomplish most of the relief I have gleaned, I intentionally work very hard to keep my need for medication low. I exercise regularly, can lift quite a bit of weight and am healthy by all measurable standards except body weight. Yet I knew something still wasn’t right when in January I could feel my thyroid irritating my voicebox. After an ultrasound finding multiple nodules on my thyroid, I spoke with one of my clients that has had a similar journey. She filled me in on a treatment she had done to eliminate a virus that had been hiding in her body slowly damaging her thyroid and other organs. It completely healed not just the virus, but the damage to her organs too. It was expensive so I put it in the back of my mind and said eventually I will get there.

However, God seems to think I need to act sooner. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago.

I got what I thought was strep throat, and not my first round of it. What I was dealing with looked and acted like it. The doctor begrudgingly did a swab that came back negative, but since I had already started the antibiotics and Prednisone she ordered I finish the doses out. Right as the strep throat symptoms were ending I got a nasty rash on my upper thigh. It at first looked like standard hives, so I was perplexed thinking I reacted to the antibiotics and Prednisone when I never had before. Then larger blisters appeared in the center of the rash and they hurt like crazy. I couldn’t figure it out at first and the doctor had pissed me off so bad with how she handled the strep swab that I knew I didn’t want to deal with her again. I prayed on it and did some meditations and otherwise kept moving and functioning, but was careful to be mindful of mask wearing in case the perceived strep was something else entirely.

Two days into the rash I remembered the conversation with my client about the virus and the treatment that was done to solve it, and the memory just nagged and nagged at my brain. I looked up the virus she had talked about, it was the Epstein-Barr Virus (see here for wikipedia info). Interestingly, that virus can mimic strep throat and occasionally does cause a nasty rash. I had never had the rash before but have had strep several times where it didn’t come back as positive on strep tests. I decided to skip the doctor and test the theory myself. First I did the acute mononucleosis test for $69, that in theory would catch an active EBV infection. It came back negative, which apparently 25% of tests can be false negative because of how the test looks for the virus. So I decided to do the more thorough Chronic EBV test. $169 later I was holding test results that showed really high values for only one of four of the antibody markers. The other 3 were in negative range. But the one antibody was so ridiculously high that the test results came with a disclaimer that it was significant of a recent infection. So I had my smoking gun. I was in fact dealing with an EBV infection, and one that was good at hiding in my body and not triggering all of the antibodies.

Like my client had told me, EBV can hide in the body for years and does a whole host of damage to various organs, the thyroid just being one. It can also damage both the pancreas and liver, which are the other organs I have noticable difficulty with, manifesting in my food sensitivities and glucose control. If left unchecked EBV can also lead to multiple cancers and lukemias.

So now I finally had an ‘Ah Ha’ moment. I finally knew the cause of my 25 year journey of ill health despite having been to many doctors in 4 states during that time period. I have in my hands, proof of the virus being in my body in a chronic way. It is most likely the cause to all my concerns, and if I can clear my system long enough I can enable my organs to heal and health to return.

Enter the treatment my client did.

She went to a functional medicine doctor that discovered her Chronic EBV infection and he did a treatment called IV Oxygenation Therapy. The doc costs an initial consult of $600 plus $100 per month subscription fee which covers up to two office visits. The IV treatment is $2000.00, and if I haven’t already done all the labwork he needs then there may be other additional costs. Insurance, if you have it, would only cover labwork, I don’t anyway and I am always cash pay. So I need essentially $3000.00 to attempt to kill the virus and damaged tissues and instigate full healing. However, the process is hard on the system, so my client had explained she was down for 5 or 6 days afterwards because of the cellular die-off and detoxing, so I will also have to account for missing a week of work as well.

Beyond my frustrations over cost and managing to actually implement something with the potential to end my battle for health, I am super frustrated at the awareness I now have of our medical system.

Essentially, a dozen+ doctors in multiple offices in four different states and 10 different cities over 25 years, and none of them even came remotely close to really truly accurately diagnosing the problem. Every last one of them either gave up easily (as with the “low side of normal” tests from childhood) or decided to treat the one symptom of low thyroid function.

If I had not taken the time to educate myself on the problem I was faced with and kept digging knowing that something was still wrong, then I could have spent 30 to 40 years taking thyroid meds to end up with cancer and potentially die from it.

Western medicine as it currently stands in America is concerned with two things. 1) A minimum of treatment to ensure you stay alive, not well, just alive. 2) Making money indefinitely via treatment of symptoms only, rare cases like certain cancers they will treat with the premise of eradicating the disease, but still favor expensive treatment over cheaper more effective options.

You may wish to disagree with me on either, but evidence is piling up to support both.

I have written on several occasions in regards to how elder care and instutionalized medicine are more concerned with keeping an elderly person alive than actually providing the ability to live life. It is how we end up with people bed bound or wheelchair bound for years at the end of their life. Unable to do many tasks, but still alive and suffering. I have directly worked with dozens of such people where my massages are intended to help prevent skin tears, bed sores, and maybe just maybe provide a little relief from discomfort of being frozen in place.

But yet, it’s more than that. Part two listed above is very evident for me. Not one doctor ever said, your thyroid is struggling, there’s potential we could solve that and get you back to normal. No, in Western Medicine normal is live on this drug until you die. If that drug quits working we’ll double the dose or switch to another. Never is it, try to heal you and get you back to normal.

Even with cancer, the goal is cut and chemo and radiation. We now have several options that have better potential at lower costs, liquid Vitamin C at massive doses can kill cancer, turmeric extract has also been shown to have similar results, and beyond that we now have Car-T. But Car-T is too effective, even though it is still expensive, it only takes one full round of treatment and 99% of cancer can be completely healed. It simply cuts their profit margin by too much.

Any treatment that offers the potential for full healing is either sidelined by the AMA and CDC or is outright attacked by both. The more clinical and lab tested something is, the less they are able to attack it, but if it cuts profits then it will never be fully supported.

So, if you as a reader, want a real solution to whatever health problem you are facing, then you have to do the following:

  • Take charge of the problem, learn everything you can on the subject and follow the rabbit hole as far as it will lead you. Even then you might need to dig a little further.
  • Learn to read the labs of anything that needs tested. It’s not hard and the information is readily available if you know the trusted resources to seek out. If you get fuzzy on interpretation there are usually forums where people discuss their lab results.
  • The hardest part- Find a doctor that: 1- isn’t threatened by your intelligence and concern for your own health, and 2- might have alternate solutions or is at least willing to try something you propose. You may have to seek alternatives to your standard MD.
  • Finally, listen to your intuition. God wants you to heal and will give you the breadcrumbs to follow, but you have to trust that process. If something feels wrong it is, if something feels missed it is, if something feels right it is, if something nags at you- look into it, it probably means something important. Trust and God will guide you to a real solution.

As for me, I finally have a plan for a potentially final but expensive step. My biggest hurdle is money and I’ve overcome that one many times. I know I can do it again. I will do my best to allow and know that timing is everything. God will enable me to fix this for once and for all, and I will have avoided the worst case scenario for this disease.

As for you: may you have the solutions you seek. May you always have the proper resources when you need them. May you find helpful doctors that listen and do their best to meet your needs and find real solutions for your problems. May you trust God and be able to follow the breadcrumbs. May you see the solution you seek. May you understand that you are loved and supported. May you have the support you need from those around you. May you feel the love and support when it is needed most. May you know God wants you to be well. May you find the joyous healthy life you desire.

Siva Hir Su