Tag Archives: Divine protection

Being selfish.

I have conceded again, that anything I have desired involving other people is pointless, because invariably they have their own hot mess that I can’t solve.

I can’t make anyone do anything, and now I know that I can pull up when their actions sting, even when there are layers and layers of sting.

I can only help myself be a better person, no matter what.

I can only help myself feel better, no matter what.

I know I can do anything that I choose to do.

I know I am very capable of a wide array of skilled activities.

I know I am skilled enough to learn anything I don’t already know. I am skilled enough to do many great things.

I have been responsible for many people and over many years. I have done everything I was supposed to do, be it based on parental or societal dictations. I’ve even learned how to best care for myself.

I am capable. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am good at everything I choose to do.

I have even learned to controll my emotions. It takes me less time, every time I do it. I know how to find happy, and it’s getting quicker and quicker.

I am enough.

I like feeling good. I appreciate this healing. My whole family deserves the same healing.

I have been fully responsible.

Now what?

I don’t know.

I see the fallacy of my childhood dreams, my idea of perfection is nearly impossible because it would require attempting to control others. The magic lies in letting the divine orchestrate the details.

My problem now lies in that; letting go of my dreams completely carries an emptiness of my own role, I don’t need to orchestrate my Atira, in just such a way. I have accomplished an ability to find peace and happiness no matter what. I have accomplished an ability to see all of the unconditional elements I desired, in my current place of now. Knowing I can work myself towards feeling better, feeling good, and seeing all of the basic desires manifested, leaves me feeling goal-less.

There is nothing I yearn for. There is nothing I desire. There is nothing that I feel is missing or needing accomplished. I can’t even label anything that I really want anymore.

There are some silly things like places to travel to, or things to do, but there is nothing I really desperately want. Pretty much everything has lost its draw.

I am okay with whatever. The Divine can decide for me, no matter what that means. I finally feel like I’ve detached from everything. Nothing is necessary, nothing is vital, and nothing even stands out as a major interest. I am open to anything or nothing, whichever God and Goddess dictate. Death does not scare me, and I’m already living in a crazy stupid world, full of chaos and negativity, so I obviously can handle that. Perhaps there is some other option, if so I’m open to it. Whatever the divine chooses for me.

May you find your peace. May you find full healing. May you see your loved ones healed as well. May you know that everything you need already is here. May you see everything you want and desire in your current reality. May you sense the empty expansion of letting the divine take over and decide for you. May you feel your infinite self and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do. May you trust the divine and allow it to decide for you, even if that might mean death is imminent. May you know that God knows more than you possibly can and will choose the best way for you.

Be still
And know that
I
am
God

First do no harm
So mote it be

Om Shanti

What peace looks like to me.

This is segment 4 of my inspired climb up the vibrational scale this weekend. I knew that to get good things, I must focus on good things, and I used pleasant memories to do that. I’ll go through some of them here. I apologise in advance, it’ll probably be a long one, this really makes me feel good.


Peace to me feels like the private clothing-optional spiritually-open camp that Nathan and I used to frequent (kids & then Covid rules deterred that for a long while). It was so safe, and so secure, and so accepting that even at nearly 300 pounds I could lay naked in the sun. Peace is that feeling of knowing that it’s truly okay and safe to just be me, absorbing beautiful suns’ rays, no matter what that looked like to others. Peace was knowing that there were others of every body type, every age, every gender identity, every sexual identity, and many religious preferences, all doing the same thing. We were all finding immense pleasure experiencing nature’s bounty in our god given skin, being 100% authentic. The overwhelming knowing that everyone is not only safe to be themselves, but accepted as themselves, was so very relieving.

The organization that created that environment went to great lengths to ensure that it was sacred safe ground. They cloaked the land in energy so strong that just stepping foot there soothes nerves. It is so laden with divine goodness that nearly anything goes. You can literally do anything you want as long as it doesn’t create a problem needing external support (police, fire, ambulance). Even drunken debauchery was well accepted, you could participate or not, whatever you want, and everyone knew that. We knew we didn’t have to tell others what not to do, if we didn’t think it was appropriate for ourselves we just didn’t participate. If you did participate in activities like that, even the after effects were lessened compared to external environments, i.e. hangovers were lowered in severity.

Many trips to that place brought many things to appreciate. There were woods and paths to hike, naked if you so choose. There was a big pond/small lake to swim in, canoes and row boats to float in. There was a giant 4 story stairmaster called the main stairs that went from the co-ed bathouse to the ridge where events happened. There was ample camping with options to choose from. They all bring moments of joy for me.

Everytime I would get to the stairs I would pause. People would always ask if I was okay, or offer that I could do it- I could make it up/down them. But my pause was never about the physical experience of climbing stairs, even at 300 pounds I knew I could, and fairly easily, only multiple trips got hard. No my pause was appreciation. The view from the top down, dozens of half naked or wholly naked people making the trek. Beautiful sun filtering through tree’s leaves, critters scurrying along side the same staircase not concerned about the people knowing they were equally safe to just be. It was absolutely beautiful and breathtaking. The view from the bottom equally beautiful, especially watching everyone’s butts twitch in unison as they climbed steps. There was always just something so amazing, exciting and peaceful all at the same time. Even writing this I feel my words are not quite good enough for the moment I always took to savor.

The lake, it was just plain safe fun. I remember the first time a fish nibbled my toes and sent me squealing out of the water. I remember swimming, knowing it was already safe, and hearing a man yell ‘freeze’ as a water moccasin made it’s way through the maze of swimmers. We did, we all just stopped splashing, and the snake didn’t even care we were there. It swam an arms length from me, unfazed that I was floating in it’s territory, that is safety. And the big snapping turtle, someone speculated was probably nearly 100 years old because of it’s size, it never did bother us. I always felt like it would swim just out of the humans area to see what we were up to. I think the turtle found us as entertaining as we did it. I can’t count the number of hours I spent swimming in that lake cooling down from my hours basking in the sun. Every trip to camp brought one singular sunburn, often that tanned before we even left camp, I always did come prepared for that. One summer was so hot the sunburn actually was significant and my aloe didn’t cut it. I went to the herbalist that hooked me up with very expensive miracle salve, handmade for healing, and it did- quickly. One jar was enough for several self-baking disasters, and that particular sunburn, though severe, healed in hours with just a few applications of the salve. My skin was grateful.

There was the garden where I would swing, watching bees and hummingbirds do their job. A wide array of flowers and sculptures to gaze upon. The butterflies would swarm in a beautiful cluster and land on your arms, hands, shoulders, and face if you held still enough to let them.

There was a hill by the lake, perfectly round with mulberry and willow trees around the edges, called Venus Mound. We all knew the rattlesnakes had their den under Venus Mound, but if you were quiet and peaceful they would share the hill during prime basking time. It was just a matter of acknowledgement of their presence and respect of their needs too. All who were respectful were safe, and often the snakes would move to accommodate you. That was always awe inspiring for me, though I never tested that very much myself (there is a scardy cat hiding deep inside me).

The most notable experience for me though, out of all of it, was when I learned decompression and re-entry the hard way. My first trip to camp I had never been such a place. It took me a solid day to decompress and begin to feel the relief and realize just how special camp was. You see in daily life we all play roles, and often those roles seem to pigeonhole us into being or acting a certain way. All of life seems to function that way. And I had been told that people whom frequent camp have jobs in every field: doctors, lawyers, police officers, EMTs, blue collar workers, everything; and it is their only safe place, that’s why pictures are not allowed unless direct permission is given. So part of me believed that I was safe, but I’d never really truly lived an experience like that and it just sank in really slowly. After we set-up camp I changed into shorts and a tank top but was otherwise dressed like someone at the store in the summer. Then I started wandering and meeting people. There were a few like me still in civilian clothes, mostly still setting up their campsite. Everyone already set-up seemed to be nearly naked and oh my was it a learning experience. The first woman I saw bigger than me, fully naked, was hugging a twig of a transgender person. I damn near cried and retreated into the woods to hide my blush and remove my bra. Then I met some of the camp elders, showing their age, but freely enjoying camp as much as someone a third their age. And on and on it went. By the end of the first day I managed to go topless with just a sarong on my bottom half. By day two I found the freedom of “naked as a jay bird” in the trees. It was exillirating and amazing. 4 days were spent like that before pack up and the trip home. I had to really convince myself that it was okay and worth while to go back to “normal”. Once home and back to work, it felt almost painful. It took 3 days to readjust to “normal”. My spirit definitely prefers camp, and hates the low vibration of rules and regulations and people telling each other what to do an how to be. I see that, in general, society still has enough really low vibrational people that screw things up for everyone else, that rules are somewhat vital and necessary. However, I definitely would prefer a life lived the way that camp functions. People responsible for themselves allowing others to do as they please as long as it causes no problems for the whole. People openly accepting everyone as who they are, in the entirety of that sense. I look forward to days where or collective vibration raises enough to enable that.

So yes, camp to me is a huge symbol of peace, tranquility, openness, acceptance, freedom, and being 100% truly authentic to your core being. That is what I want to see more of in this world.


I wanted to add a couple more common-place examples of peacefulness and acceptance which we all experience at some point in our lives. Something that we can all reach for the feeling place of. My words about camp may be inspiring, but if you’ve not had a similar experience you might have difficulty reaching for that feeling place.

Hugs, are one such feeling place that nearly everyone experiences at some point in their life. It might be a parent to child, co-workers over a successful work event, significant-others/spouses expressing love, friends in greeting or as support, or even that of hugging a pet. What all hugs have in common is the feeling of love. It is that warm sensation that spreads from your heart. It brings similes to lips and sometimes tears to eyes. It radiates in and all around, making you feel special, supported, and safe. It’s calming yet oddly invigorating. In the moment of any hug, if you close your eyes, it is like God is holding you as their baby. You know you are safe and that the person you are hugging does care in whatever way that moment is celebrating. Even better are the hugs of unconditional love: parents consoling children and lover’s embraces. Those moments carry a love so strong it obliterates everything outside of it. Time stands still and the moment is just the people present. Nothing outside of those arms’ embrace matters and your whole being is enveloped in love. You can almost hear angels sing and there’s a sense of fairies’ sprinkles of magic dust all around. You simply know all is well and it is safe to just be for a moment, however long of a moment you choose. That moment of unconditional-love hugs, is a very similar feeling place to many of my camp memories. It is the same feeling place that God resides, and that connection with the one whom you are hugging is allowing God force to flow in and all around both of you. It is healing and uplifting. It is life affirming. It is a moment of perfection that shifts everything in your experience to a more positive place. It is your freedom to be who you are. Savor every ounce of those moments, remember them frequently. Let them help you even when you can’t recreate that experience in the now. They are God’s gifts to our memory and our thoughts.

Finally, I see children playing happily as another of those moments. It doesn’t have to be your own children, any children you know will do (don’t be a playground creep). When you notice them playing happily, really notice them. Watch their faces, see the sparkle in their eyes. Listen to the giggles and squeals of delight. In those moments children are flowing God. If they sound too loud, it’s because you are too grumbly (I know this from my own experience). Take a moment to check yourself and relax. Really enjoy the fact that they are happy. Truly take a moment to savor their joy. See if you can figure out what is bringing that joy, see if you can feel the ripple of it. Feel for the uplifting sensations, the energetic playfulness that spills forth. If you can feel it and savor it, it will bring more and similar into your experience. If you don’t have access to watching children, then try to remember some moment like that from your own childhood. Those memories can get buried pretty deep under “have to’s” and “should do’s” but they are still in your memory banks somewhere. Reach and dig until you find one and focus so intently you relive the moment. Feel how happy you were, remember how much fun you were having. Those are our blessings just like hugs. Those moments allow God to flow through us and do wonderous things. They feel good and they bring good. We all have those moments somewhere if we allow ourselves to find them again.

The more we focus on these feelings, these moments of peace, of joy, of loving acceptance, the more our world will improve. Let’s all savor our blessings hidden in our memories.


May you have good thought journeys that end up in the highest vibrations possible. May you see and feel our expansion as a collective. May you simply know you are free to be yourself in any and every way possible. May you have safe, uplifting, life affirming environments to recharge in. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do and wants you to know true freedom and safety. May you have more and more good days and find the healing that God knows you deserve.

Om Shanti

Reaching

Preface:

This a multi topic post that I’m not sure if it will wrap up concisely. I’m still following the rabbit hole myself. I apologise in advance if it is clear as mud.

Also, I am human and just because I reach for something doesn’t mean I actually accomplish it 100% of the time myself. I do my best, but as in all things, sometimes we humans fall short of our goals. We also often have ideals that can be hard to maintain consistently. Topics of this post could definitely fall in that category for me.

And so it begins.

Two conversations this morning caught my attention and started me down a rabbit hole of thought.

The first conversation included a comment about one party having passed something by their father. The second conversation included statements about work and enjoying being the low person on the totem pole even though their manager wanted to promote them to a managerial position. Both conversations triggered thoughts for me from my perspective and I know it somehow fits together. I’m attempting to type to that conclusion.

The details:

Conversation 1:  An adult referenced running a deal by his father for input. He respects his father’s business sense and wanted to follow the father’s advice. In regards to the fullness of the conversation from my perspective, my intuition told me he was right, and in this situation listening to father’s advice was a good call.

What it stirred in me is really interesting though. My knee jerk reaction is usually: “Why would a younger adult pass something by their parents? There are so many places to look for successful input, but even more it’s an opportunity to use your own guidance system.”

This is due to many factors, one of which is that I have been surrounded by elders that were busy keeping up with the Joneses and playing corporate games to ultimately just be miserable. This was strongly evident in my parents, but also in friends’ parents. Most of the older generation from my perspective was busy chasing “good jobs” to make just enough to look like they were doing ok. Then they would spend hours of their lives making sure that they could keep up appearances and managing to keep bills paid. They were all miserable most of the time. I never wanted to be like that. I wanted more financial success- true, but more I wanted to be happier, more satisfied with my life.

Beyond that aspect, my father was an especially good example of what not to do, and most of my efforts have been directed at attempting to be the opposite of him. He was never happy, his good jobs- never were, and his bumping elbows always seemed excessive to me.

For instance, the things he told others, he never said directly to us. A good example was when I was in middle school learning flute and he would tell others how wonderful I was, but at home, if he said anything about it at all, it was to make sure my grades were still “up” and that I was doing what I was supposed to, practicing enough, etc. There was always an air of ‘you can do better’ no matter how good I was already doing.

My father was also extremely vocal about what he wanted us as kids to do, and our choices were never acceptable to him, or at least it seemed to me. I was well informed many times over that I should be an engineer and that art and music would never make me money. Well I proved I could make money off of art (still do), and I know I could off of music if I wanted to, but I chose another option out of other desires and wish for greater amounts of money to be made. I still never became his precious engineer.

Why? I just could never understand how someone that was so miserable could push so hard that someone else do what they did. I always just knew for certain that if I had any chance of finding success and being happy congruently, that I had to do a lot of things differently than my father. I saw that his system was failing him daily in many many ways, and I wanted better.

Sometimes I beat my head up against the things that he scolded into us on a regular basis. It’s hard to duck around something that was both proverbially and literally beaten into you, brainwashing is very real; but when I can see his patterns clearly as being separate from mine, I make every effort possible to do something different, aiming for better.

Mostly, I feel like I have been successful and I am far from being my father. I have moments of failure, but in general, I am definitely my own person. I can’t claim daily effortless happiness, but I’m far closer to that idea than he even considered. My financial success may not be greater yet, but I’m matching dollar for dollar but with more to show for it. That alone gives me hope for greater in the near future. So potentially I have improved in both financial and emotional happiness.

Personally, I just prefer reaching for better than my parents did because they set such good examples of what not to do. The conversation I heard this morning, really just pushed the acknowledgement within myself that I have good reasons to not look to my parents for guidance, but that others might find as many or more reasons to seek parental guidance. Really, most anyone seeks guidance from those that they trust on a given topic, and parents just happen to cover multiple topics for children.

But, that takes me one step further into seeking guidance from outside of one’s self to seeking guidance from inside one’s self.

Because I was so bent on trying to reach the opposite of my father, I had to examine all of my options closely and listen to my inner guidance system to try and choose. Sometimes I would feel like the truly-best-option was out of my reach, so I would then aim for the best I could. Regardless, I was always trying to decipher how I felt about my known available choices.

I also always knew when something dad was trying to convince me of didn’t mesh with my inner-being. Every time he told me I was wrong, I would have an internal reaction along the lines of “that’s what you think, wanna bet?!”. Specific examples that come to mind was when he tried to tell me seeking a liberal arts degree was suicide, or that marrying Nathan was a huge mistake. 2 kids and 2 careers later I still disagree with him. I am a better person because of both of them, and the challenges were worth every bit of effort.

My point is that whether or not you look to those you trust for guidance, the best guidance anyone could ever find is within themselves. If you ask others, you get their known choices and preferences, which can help you see more options- something very helpful if you feel uninformed. However, they can only give you what they know, and they might not know enough to give you a truly balanced set of choices. Even if you utilize others to expand your knowledge and choices, you still need to ask your inner-being what is best for you at this time. That is the only real way to know for certain what you should do in this moment with what is available to you. Our inner-being is always our best advocate.

Conversation 2: Someone was telling me about how their job wants them to be a next level manager because they are good at everything and know a lot about the products and processes. They were expressing a combination of appreciation over the acknowledgement, and frustration because they like their job just the way it is. They like not having so much responsibility and a bit less work.

This tied in with the other conversation for me because it was about weighing the pros and cons and doing what is right for you. You still have to listen to your inner-being.

Also, it made me realize that just because you are very appreciative of acknowledgement of your skills, does not mean you have to deviate from what you desire.

The conversation left me with a sense that she really just wanted to stay in the job she had, that it made her happy. I wanted to tell her to stick to her guns and do what made her happy, let them find someone else to promote. However, I stopped short of saying that because I know it is ultimately her choice, and in this moment she may be focused on the good reasons to stay, but that she may have vibrationally asked for things that the promotion would bring. I would have no way of knowing that. It is hard to be totally in someone else’s thought processes and know their vibrational balance.

I have had a similar mix myself on many occasions. I currently have a mix on current topics, and I’m doing my best to sort through it all emotionally, from where I am currently at. Sometimes we just need to say things out loud to another person to help solidify how we feel inside. Sometimes it helps to list all of the pros for both and look to see which option has more pros (I usually don’t involve the cons if I can help it, they muddle things to much, and everything has cons.) Regardless of how you get there, ultimately it’s a conversation between you and YOU. Your human self really just needs to check in with your higher-self to see what the best answer is right now. That is ultimately all we could ever hope for anyway.

It’s hard to do sometimes, with so much going on finding the quiet space to get that answer is a challenge. Also it often can be even harder to stick to, especially when others try to convince you otherwise. Yet if your inner-being says it is the best, then it is always the best thing for you. You inner-being never lies about that.

God doesn’t lie, humans do. Always trust God force over human input.

Finally, there was one other moment today that somehow fits.

Conversation 3: The accupincturist at the clinic was telling me how she always scolds women to “Stop It!” when they start apologizing for being sweaty, or dirty from work, or not having shaved. She explained men never apologize for such things and neither should women. I agree with her wholeheartedly. Women do tend to over apologise for things they need not care about. However, I would say that some men do as well. 

The next time you feel the need to apologise for something relatively benign, ask yourself, is this a necessary apology? Ask yourself, if someone was presenting that to you, would you be offended? Ask yourself, would you want or need an apology in a reversed situation?  Ask yourself how would you act if your gender was different?

Sometimes genders do over apologise, and sometimes genders under apologise because of the feeling that it’s just built in to your own gender. Be aware of those faux pas, and make amends to your level of apologetics regardless as to whether it is too much or not enough. It is always kind to apologise when you feel you are not at your best for a given situation. It is also kind to yourself to acknowledge that not every lapse must become a long apology. There is a happy medium we can do our best to reach for and our inner being will guide the way on that topic too.

May you sense your inner-being and it’s trustworthy guidance on all topics. May you find it easy to reach for the best option for you in any given moment or experience. May you be kind to yourself and others. May you find the right guidance in every respect. May you hear your inner-being easily. May you know that God loves and supports in every way through your connection with your higher-self.

Om Shanti