Tag Archives: divine timing

2 was too much.

I should not have had children. I can’t handle the ones I have. I can’t be a responsible parent because it’s killing me. The stress, the worries, but most of all the knowing that I have passed on the traits I tried so hard to stop. I have perpetuated the damage that my parents wrought on me, especially that of my father. I was not able to stop it and I’m watching my children repeat those bad behaviors. Plus I even passed on the resulting disease. Everything I do only seems to make it worse instead of better. I can’t fix this and I wish I’d never caused it to begin with. I should never have had children. I’m sorry, please forgive me. The universe only made it very difficult to bear children, it didn’t eliminate the possibility. I should have given up before I even started. If I had let myself completely go I’d already be dead and there would have never been a child to begin with. I think that was my biggest mistake, trying to fix something that wasn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Can I go home now? No more battles, no more striving, no more trying, just peace.


These are the deep dark thoughts of my brain that I do my best to ignore. They eat at me anyway. Bonus I know my father thinks them. You see when I get on the wavelength of these thoughts I even start to take him on. Right now my left foot is swollen and I just had a moment where I felt like I was stuck in his failing body. I lost it on my whiney children because of the 3D reality in front of me, but I felt like I was standing looking at my adult sister. I feel exhausted and just want to sleep and never wake up. My brain is trying to calculate the easiest way to ensure that. I had the realization I should have never lived to begin with, and I can’t take back the love I have for my children, but I felt distinctly like they didn’t give a shit about my existence.

See I don’t have to call my father, because every single negative trigger in my universe takes me front and center to his psyche and his current existence. It literally kills me a little every time it happens, and I use every bit of my being to stay away from it as much as possible.

My real, sane, prayer is that it ends very soon. I can and will heal if it ends. I also pray that the divine fixes what I can’t. My beautiful children deserve the same healing and the same disease to stop. I do love them, I don’t wish any of this negative toxicity on them, but they have already been poisoned. I beg the divine to fix what I can’t. For their sake, for their children’s sake, for the world’s sake.

May you never know the agony of living like this. May you never fight tooth and nail to fix generations old damage. May you never be faced with an invisible force that you are powerless to stop. May you never wish death upon yourself. May you find a way to gain control of what is normally under your will. May you find a way to safely manage those horribly damaging things that aren’t. May we all get through these times and clear the other side safely. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Being selfish.

I have conceded again, that anything I have desired involving other people is pointless, because invariably they have their own hot mess that I can’t solve.

I can’t make anyone do anything, and now I know that I can pull up when their actions sting, even when there are layers and layers of sting.

I can only help myself be a better person, no matter what.

I can only help myself feel better, no matter what.

I know I can do anything that I choose to do.

I know I am very capable of a wide array of skilled activities.

I know I am skilled enough to learn anything I don’t already know. I am skilled enough to do many great things.

I have been responsible for many people and over many years. I have done everything I was supposed to do, be it based on parental or societal dictations. I’ve even learned how to best care for myself.

I am capable. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am good at everything I choose to do.

I have even learned to controll my emotions. It takes me less time, every time I do it. I know how to find happy, and it’s getting quicker and quicker.

I am enough.

I like feeling good. I appreciate this healing. My whole family deserves the same healing.

I have been fully responsible.

Now what?

I don’t know.

I see the fallacy of my childhood dreams, my idea of perfection is nearly impossible because it would require attempting to control others. The magic lies in letting the divine orchestrate the details.

My problem now lies in that; letting go of my dreams completely carries an emptiness of my own role, I don’t need to orchestrate my Atira, in just such a way. I have accomplished an ability to find peace and happiness no matter what. I have accomplished an ability to see all of the unconditional elements I desired, in my current place of now. Knowing I can work myself towards feeling better, feeling good, and seeing all of the basic desires manifested, leaves me feeling goal-less.

There is nothing I yearn for. There is nothing I desire. There is nothing that I feel is missing or needing accomplished. I can’t even label anything that I really want anymore.

There are some silly things like places to travel to, or things to do, but there is nothing I really desperately want. Pretty much everything has lost its draw.

I am okay with whatever. The Divine can decide for me, no matter what that means. I finally feel like I’ve detached from everything. Nothing is necessary, nothing is vital, and nothing even stands out as a major interest. I am open to anything or nothing, whichever God and Goddess dictate. Death does not scare me, and I’m already living in a crazy stupid world, full of chaos and negativity, so I obviously can handle that. Perhaps there is some other option, if so I’m open to it. Whatever the divine chooses for me.

May you find your peace. May you find full healing. May you see your loved ones healed as well. May you know that everything you need already is here. May you see everything you want and desire in your current reality. May you sense the empty expansion of letting the divine take over and decide for you. May you feel your infinite self and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do. May you trust the divine and allow it to decide for you, even if that might mean death is imminent. May you know that God knows more than you possibly can and will choose the best way for you.

Be still
And know that
I
am
God

First do no harm
So mote it be

Om Shanti

Given clarity

When I first started using ‘Siva Hir Su’ as a ‘blessing’ and for Reiki, it was given to me by my ‘ET’ as something that would help. It was during the time that I was on-again off-again with my online love-interest chat-relationship.

It felt like relief, it felt helpful. I used it on myself, and it helped. I used it on my clients and they would feel lighter and leave more relaxed.

Having only ‘heard’ it mentally, I looked up the translation, which was difficult. I suspect it’s sanskrit and resources for translating sanskrit are not easy to use. I ended up piecing together the meaning by comparing sources of translations of both sanskrit and Hindi versions of the words.

I literally had to go word by word, and even then it was difficult because Su has multiple meanings depending on placement and conjugations.

Originally I settled with what fit and flowed best energetically.

Siva is a derivation of Shiva, but specifically in reference to the omnipresent quality, the energy of everything, all that is.

Hir and Su were harder for me.

Hir I eventually found was “quintessence” in Hindi. My most difficult experience for that word was finding a site that I could put what I thought it sounded like and get all the close spellings. It took several tries and I eventually got the aforementioned definition linked to both my spelling and the spelling ‘Heer’.

And su literally seemed to have hundreds of meanings depending on location in the sentence, conjugations, and even gender. But when I was looking at definition of the other two words, the one that seemed to fit best was “good”.

So when I assembled all of the definitions it seemed to mean “the quintessence of all that is, is good”. I thought, that’s interesting, it’s similar to “the light of god is here” which is a common christian prayer and used in Healing Touch treatments.

Regardless, every time I used it, it seemed to help a lot, and clients always walked away feeling better and noticing the difference, especially in the feel of the session.

Recently, however, spirit clarified for me.

I was reminded of Shiva’s destructive side. I was mentally shown stories of the god archetype, and reminded of how many things my father had destroyed (some before there was the ability to enjoy whatever it was, and others before there was ability to create a new better version). Essentially, I understood that ‘Siva Hir Su’ was flowing that portion of God that destroyed the old or negative. It’s not a bad thing, but like guns should be used much more descriminantly than I was when I received it originally.

It’s highest use is when there is an awareness of a negative (worry, fear, anger, blockage, tightness, tension, problem) that removal of said negative would allow for natural God force healing to correct and fill/heal the void.

So, unlike my father, I now have the sense to not destroy something that is too much for healing energy to correct quickly.

For instance, I won’t point it at my husband’s bad heart because he needs to live for his small children and the slower path to healing is better for his situation.

However, with my dad (whom has already decided that “his way or the highway” has failed and has no desire to change himself, so why not throw in the towel), it would be ideal because it would start breaking down those faulty aspects, and if he did die, it doesn’t seem like he would care with as little effort as he has put to staying alive.

So for now, I am trying to navigate the choices to aim it at it’s highest use and purpose. I still use it on clients, but specify for it to destroy the tension and whatever stress is behind it. Also, I have curbed using it on my blog for now because I realized I was putting it at the end after the blessing. I don’t want to destroy the blessing, only the negatives that I am venting about to release. So until I wrap my brain around segmenting each post so that it can just follow the negatives, I’m just avoiding it for now. Eventually, I’ll figure out my new format to reintroduce this helpful tool.

On a side note, today’s struggles from my previous post have stirred an urge to shut off my blog or start a new one. I’m also working through that and doing my best not to act for now. The air is thick and I know it is impacting me, so I’m doing my best to just pull up and do nothing else for now.

May you have gifts of healing and change given to you by God. May you understand fully how to use them properly. May they benefit you as much as anyone you use them on. May you find all the healing you seek. May you have good health and positive vibes in your life. Live long and prosper.

Om Shanti