I have been asking God questions, but I can’t get them out of my head to be able to clear space for the answers. So I’m going to dictate my current conversation with God to hopefully allow the space for answers to come.
Hi God: Shiva/Avalokiteshvara/Quan-Yin,
I know you love me and I know Nathan loves me. I know I don’t really need anything or anyone else. So why on Earth do I still want those other people and feel like I must keep trying so hard?
I have gotten really good at loving people that don’t return love. I’m good at loving the man I do have, and decent at showing him my love (there is always room for improvement). So why is it so damn hard to love myself as much? Why do I feel like I want another? Why do I still put others first?
I have spent a lifetime trying to please others. I let myself walk right into several situations where people said the right things, used words to get into me/my life, and took advantage of me and then left me hanging. Some hurt deep to my core and still resurface even after much emotional work. Why do they still resurface? Why is it so hard to let that go and expect others to reciprocate? Why do I still try to do everything, knowing that no-one will do any of it for me? Why can’t I believe that things will be done for me? Why can’t I believe that others will give as much as I do?
I know that I am doing so much better than a decade ago. I know I am far healthier in my daily practices than most of America. I know that I have made huge strides towards fixing my health and being healthy. So why can’t I allow full healing? I want to allow full healing. Why do I feel like that means I need to look a certain way? Why am I so stuck on others being able to see my health? Why do I need validation from others? Why does western medicine get under my skin and bother me so much, and why do I let their tests and opinions matter?
I run circles around most people. I can consume 500-700 calories and still do 5 hours of deep tissue and a full workout and just be normal tired. So why does a doctor doing blood work and writing prescriptions even matter? Why do I want my blood work to be “normal” when I know they frequently change what they think normal is? I know I don’t care about living to 90 and being bedridden on a gaggle of drugs, so why do I care that they think I need any? Why do I feel like I need to be a skinny Minney or body-builder to be considered healthy? Why do I want for my skin to shrink so badly? Why do I care?
I know that I have done far more than many people, in regards to many things. Why do I have such a hard time believing I have done all that needs to be done? Why do I feel like I must have to do more? Why can’t I believe I am enough, I have done enough? I want to, and thought I had figured it out. Why does it keep coming back?
I am carrying enough stored calories to exist for at least 60 days without consuming anything but water. Also, I stay on top of vital nutrition with all my supplements, so I know it isn’t something I am lacking. Why do I still fight cravings? Why does hunger rule my body? Why can’t I just shut it off and stop eating until the stored calories and extra skin are consumed? Why is this process so damn hard?
I want to allow. I know sometimes I feel I am without a doubt. Other times I feel good and think I am allowing, but I still have all these moments, all these triggers that say otherwise. When will I have allowed enough that my change is visible? When will I have full health, and the things I do desire? How much allowing does it take to fix these things? Again, why can’t I see and believe I have already done enough?
I know that some of this will work out in time. The rest I hope I can allow your clarity and your answers. I do love you God and I really don’t want to be a whiney doubting nag. I just want to delete the old programming and allow the new me to be fully revealed and healthy inside and out. I’m doing my best and I’m trying to believe I am enough. I am so grateful for everything you have done for me already. I thank you everyday for all the good that has already manifested, and I am ever so grateful that I am able to help others through my connection to your light. I hope to be able to continue spreading your light and blessings for many years to come. I hope those that I may have hurt forgive me, and that any damage done is healed for everyone. I love you, God, more than anything or anyone else.
May you have good conversations with God. May you allow room for the answers you need. May you find you are able to listen for those answers. May you have ample things to find gratitude over. May you have joy and love in your life. May you be able to release old limiting beliefs. May you know that others care and reciprocate your affections and acts of service. May you know God loves you and supports you. Above all, may you find love for yourself and find ways to show yourself love daily.
Siva Hir Su