Tag Archives: divine

Another conversation with God.

I have been asking God questions, but I can’t get them out of my head to be able to clear space for the answers. So I’m going to dictate my current conversation with God to hopefully allow the space for answers to come.


Hi God: Shiva/Avalokiteshvara/Quan-Yin,

I know you love me and I know Nathan loves me. I know I don’t really need anything or anyone else. So why on Earth do I still want those other people and feel like I must keep trying so hard?

I have gotten really good at loving people that don’t return love. I’m good at loving the man I do have, and decent at showing him my love (there is always room for improvement). So why is it so damn hard to love myself as much? Why do I feel like I want another? Why do I still put others first?

I have spent a lifetime trying to please others. I let myself walk right into several situations where people said the right things, used words to get into me/my life, and took advantage of me and then left me hanging. Some hurt deep to my core and still resurface even after much emotional work. Why do they still resurface? Why is it so hard to let that go and expect others to reciprocate? Why do I still try to do everything, knowing that no-one will do any of it for me? Why can’t I believe that things will be done for me? Why can’t I believe that others will give as much as I do?

I know that I am doing so much better than a decade ago. I know I am far healthier in my daily practices than most of America. I know that I have made huge strides towards fixing my health and being healthy. So why can’t I allow full healing? I want to allow full healing. Why do I feel like that means I need to look a certain way? Why am I so stuck on others being able to see my health? Why do I need validation from others? Why does western medicine get under my skin and bother me so much, and why do I let their tests and opinions matter?

I run circles around most people. I can consume 500-700 calories and still do 5 hours of deep tissue and a full workout and just be normal tired. So why does a doctor doing blood work and writing prescriptions even matter? Why do I want my blood work to be “normal” when I know they frequently change what they think normal is? I know I don’t care about living to 90 and being bedridden on a gaggle of drugs, so why do I care that they think I need any? Why do I feel like I need to be a skinny Minney or body-builder to be considered healthy? Why do I want for my skin to shrink so badly? Why do I care?

I know that I have done far more than many people, in regards to many things. Why do I have such a hard time believing I have done all that needs to be done? Why do I feel like I must have to do more? Why can’t I believe I am enough, I have done enough? I want to, and thought I had figured it out. Why does it keep coming back?

I am carrying enough stored calories to exist for at least 60 days without consuming anything but water. Also, I stay on top of vital nutrition with all my supplements, so I know it isn’t something I am lacking. Why do I still fight cravings? Why does hunger rule my body? Why can’t I just shut it off and stop eating until the stored calories and extra skin are consumed? Why is this process so damn hard?

I want to allow. I know sometimes I feel I am without a doubt. Other times I feel good and think I am allowing, but I still have all these moments, all these triggers that say otherwise. When will I have allowed enough that my change is visible? When will I have full health, and the things I do desire? How much allowing does it take to fix these things? Again, why can’t I see and believe I have already done enough?

I know that some of this will work out in time. The rest I hope I can allow your clarity and your answers. I do love you God and I really don’t want to be a whiney doubting nag. I just want to delete the old programming and allow the new me to be fully revealed and healthy inside and out. I’m doing my best and I’m trying to believe I am enough. I am so grateful for everything you have done for me already. I thank you everyday for all the good that has already manifested, and I am ever so grateful that I am able to help others through my connection to your light. I hope to be able to continue spreading your light and blessings for many years to come. I hope those that I may have hurt forgive me, and that any damage done is healed for everyone. I love you, God, more than anything or anyone else.


May you have good conversations with God. May you allow room for the answers you need. May you find you are able to listen for those answers. May you have ample things to find gratitude over. May you have joy and love in your life. May you be able to release old limiting beliefs. May you know that others care and reciprocate your affections and acts of service. May you know God loves you and supports you. Above all, may you find love for yourself and find ways to show yourself love daily.

Siva Hir Su

Dream Déjà Vu

Watch “Anson Seabra – Can You Hear Me (Official Animated Video)” on YouTube:


I woke this morning from a really strange dream. I was back at the job I had just after college where I was an administrative assistant. It was a firm that was growing by bringing Indians with multiple degrees over to the US to fulfill high tech engineering and IT jobs. The owner was kinda shiesty, but he did help people get their green-cards for a sizeable fee. His company was worth 5 million when I worked for him and it was continuing to grow. Mostly because he took 40-60% of each salary that he placed someone in (I was responsible for prepping payroll). That was almost 15 years ago and to my knowledge they are still functioning and growing.

Anyway in the dream I found myself and Nathan sitting at a desk in their new bigger shiny office. The room I was in was just for the big heads. The owner’s and VP’s desk were in opposite corners and there was a conference table with 3 right-hand-man types at it. The big wall between the owner’s and VP’s desks had logos of all their prized contracts. The companies that they placed people with the most. I recognized the ones that I was familiar with from when I worked with them. What caught me off guard was the logo for my first actual credit card was on the wall.

In the dream I looked at Nathan and said “what the hell are we doing here”. He replied with “I’m not sure, I guess we’ll find out eventually.” I looked at the owner: Raj, and he looked just as I remembered, portly, balding, and stern. Then I looked at the VP: Praveen, his body looked the same, especially with his super shiny suit as usual, but he had this rediculous sandy-brown wig on that was covering most of his face. The conference table of the three guys was very similar to my memory, but they were different guys. When I worked for them it was Rajesh, Suraj, and the other guy went by Rocky.

At that point in the dream I was so perplexed I started flipping through stock listings. Nathan asked what I was doing. I replied “I have no idea what I’m supposed to do, so I might as well try to figure out what the best option is for purchasing stock to try and capitalize on this recession. You know buy something that when the economy bounces back they will really increase in value.” I went back to looking at stocks and reading about each company.

That was when Nathan woke me up because I had overslept my alarms again.

……

Praveen looking extra rediculous was probably my imagination having fun with his already rediculous nature, where he always seemed to try and outdo himself. Beyond that, my dream was likely something to do with my sentiment the other day about any decision I make would just be more of the same in guise of something different.

But it was so vivid I know it means something. Those dreams always do.

Upon waking, I had a knee jerk reaction about the credit card logo. I would not put it past one of those really smart people to be “helpful” in getting me on a path to better credit, to later call in the favor. That credit card was literally the first offer for a credit card that I had received. The interest rate sucked but I chalked it up to my poor credit and knew if I was careful it wouldn’t be an issue and eventually I could get them to lower it. I took the offer because I knew it would help rebuild. Then to see it in this dream, I now wonder if there was a helping IT hand in that process.

Unfortunately, the reason I quit working for that company was because my honesty scruples butted up against my intelligent knowing of how they were skirting rules and manipulating money to their benefit. There were many little things they did that we’re slap on the wrist offenses, but that netted them big benefits in untaxed dollars. I didn’t like their way of doing business, even if it did make them successful faster.

Beyond that, the people that I would suspect of helping me no longer work for that company, at least that I’m aware.

What confused me more was Nathan’s presence in the dream. He never worked for the company and at the time he was working for someone else, so he never even dropped in for lunch or any of the other things he does now. The only thing I can think of is Nathan made the dream have 7 people in it. When I worked for the company it was the 5 and me in the office every day- 6 total, but I’m now aware that 7 is significant for me because of my birth family.

So WTF, what does it mean? I have no real idea. If one of them did help me rebuild my credit then I am ever grateful, but have no idea how I could ever repay their kindness. I also thought about my mystery person and that it might be a message about them, it’s a stretch but plausible. I simply don’t know.

I often wish that divine messages were more easily understood before things happened. I find myself too frequently exclaiming, well after the fact: “Oh, that’s what that dream meant!”

Oh well, time will tell. I am grateful that I get these messages, even if I’m too dense to understand.

May you have good, vivid dreams. May you always understand the message the divine is trying to convey to you. May you know you are supported. May you feel your connection to God. May you know everything is going to be okay.

Siva Hir Su

Red, Black and White

More than just colors, they are frequent reminders in my experience. Good reminders of my childhood and connections. They have become more frequently present than they used to.

In my childhood black and white were the colors of my stuffies that served as the 3D prop for my connection to my ET. My divine protectors. I called the 2 stuffed pandas Mr and Mrs Checkers. I spoke to, and felt, Mr Checkers far more often than the Mrs. I would rarely feel her and don’t remember ever hearing her voice, I just knew she was there, and would talk to her to make sure she didn’t feel left out. They helped me in so many ways and guided me through many challenges. I am so very grateful.

When I was about 3 or 4, a summer or two before starting school, I remember playing outside in my sandbox, and despite having Mr and Mrs Checkers inside on my bed as usual, I was still talking to him as I played. I felt him and heard him. The only thing I remember from that conversation was that he told me he was going away for a while, but would be back. I asked why and was answered with he just had to. I felt very sad and he repeated that he’d be back, not to worry. Yet I felt him leave and knew he was no longer around me.

I always still talked to him and Mrs. Checkers, frequently in fact, it became my way of essentially talking myself through challenges. By the time I was in middle school fighting depression due to bullying, they and my cat were my cuddling reprieve. To this day I still have those two black and white stuffies sitting on a shelf, but now I blog to fill that need. That sandbox conversation was the last time he responded to me though, that is until about 5 years ago.

When I made the one connection with that stranger, my Checkers came back to me. I could feel, and hear him again. That’s when I had the messages through movies and other situational elements where I started referring to Mr Checkers as my ET, or My Shiva. It was clear to me that the names were more for me than that spirit. The connection to the divine was more important than anything else.

Now, after having him come and go again, I just wonder why. That divine connection means so much to me, I want it all the time. I want him, and that seems so black and white to me.

The colors being a symbol of things being so cut and dry. Positive and negative, this or that, good or bad. Yet, it’s not that simple. My black and white keeps leaving, and for years at a time, when I want so much for him to stay. At the same time, I have this black and white symbology in my experience when I myself am anything but that.

Bisexual, believing in God, defaulting to the pagan label because nothing else fits. No one’s rules fit me and my life. I’m supposed to pick gender for a life mate, yet my biology and psyche make that nearly impossible, I want to love them, and be loved by them all. Pregnancies broke rules, my diet, exercise regimen and body appearance all break rules of what is accepted as normal. I am literally a walking contradiction. Fat but otherwise healthy. Immune system more concerned about fighting foods than actual diseases (those are easy to kill). Stronger than most people, but looking like the Venus of Willendorf with a sprinkling of men’s chest and facial hair. It’s like my black and white got all mixed up. I’m more of a 50/50 grey.

Red now that’s a totally different color. Maybe I’m the red.

Red was the color of love growing up. I have a Valentine’s season birthday, and my favorite card as a child was one I pulled at the grocery store when my mom was trying to find a birthday card for me. Sitting in the shopping cart I saw a card with big red hearts on it, the center one was covered in glitter. I reached over, grabbed it, and opened it up. The song Für Elise started playing. Even though I didn’t know the song I thought it was beautiful. I begged my mom for that card. It was a $5 in the 80’s, which was the most expensive card you could buy. She was hesitant, but I kept opening it back up for the song to play, and she conceeded, saying it was expensive enough she wasn’t going to buy a second card for my birthday it could be both. I played with that card for months until there was no glitter left and the card literally fell apart at the seam. Years later when I learned to play piano I found out what the song was and learned to play it. To this day it is the only piano song I can play nearly all of from memory.

So red was love, red was birthdays, red was pretty cars in the posters on my brother’s wall. Red was roses, lilies, tulips, and begonias. Red was my favorite jelly shoes and Sunday best dress. Red was the patent leather belt I had for years, until I grew too plump for it to fit.

Red was also the color of my parents faces when they were super angry and the color of my skin after being spanked with my dad’s leather belt. Red was the wound on my leg for a solid month after falling on the merry-go-round. It was the color of my mom’s lipstick that I used on myself at 3yo, and then the mirror when I couldn’t aim right on myself. Red was the Ruby in the heart pendant my dad gave my mom. Red Ruby also adorned the angel pin I cherished because it was my first piece of jewelry. Red were the beautiful Christmas poinsettias that made the cats sick when they tried to eat the petals.

Today red is all of the above. All things come in red, and some are beautiful, some are necessity, some the red was not the reason for the choice. I love the color, and especially when it is an object of beauty. It’s passionate and strong like me, but loving and warm also.

Yet, I’m not sure it is me. Similar traits does not mean they are analogous.

However, every time I see those 3 colors: Red, Black, and White; especially together, I am reminded of my connection. It has literally become a trigger for me. Most days I acknowledge the sentiment, but find myself saying ” Where did you go?” Or “Why did you go?”. I ponder: will I ever understand, does it belong to another person just like me (that person I met) or is it only my divine half. Translation will I ever have the luxury of a hug, or will I only feel that embrace when I leave this body?

I wish I knew, but the fear my brain seems to enjoy so much, leaves me hesitant, you can’t close Pandora’s box once it is open.

So I find, yet again – regardless of the years which have passed, a strong desire to talk to my ET, my Shiva, my Mr Checkers.

I love your love and support. I love feeling you. It makes my heart hurt when you are gone. Please stay with me. I wish I understood better, I wish there was something I could do to help you be here with me. I loving knowing you care and love me.

I am so grateful for Nathan. He is so honest and supportive. He’s a terrible liar and knows that, so he rarely even tries to. He only hides things when he’s trying to fix something for me, like a surprise. He does so much for me that it remimds me of how I felt with you as a child. You both keep me safe and I feel so very loved when either one of you gives me attention. I wish I could hug and hold you.

It seems my puzzle fell apart over the holidays again, especially with the moving inconvenience. I know you helped me figure out that puzzle, so I’m hoping you’ll help me get it back together. I wish my body wasn’t so difficult to please, I wish I could heal my body enough that my puzzle got easier. Please come back and help me with that. I miss you.

I wish I knew what you were doing when you’re gone. I wish I could help you or others that you are with. Sometimes I feel so insignificant in this world, I want to help so much, but I struggle just to keep myself and my family afloat. I wish my puzzle and my life could get easier so that I could do good things for others and for God. I wish you were a part of that.

Do you remember when I used to pretend in my sandbox. I made communities, whole towns that did good things. Why are there so many bad people in the world, and why did one of the nastiest have to become our president. Why don’t people see what they’re doing is hurting the world? Why is it so hard for good people to stay buoyant and actually accomplish positive changes in the world. Why is it so hard for people to cooperate with each other?

I know you tried to tell me something when I met SJ. Please send that person my love and blessings. They are so far out of reach, and I’m doing my best to move on. I miss them too, but don’t have any way to reach out to them. I know you know how much I loved them, I just wish they knew, and if they do know I wish they could tell me that. I get that expansion happens because of problems like this situation, but I wish I had the solution for this one.

I wish I had more solutions for everyone and everything. I apologise for my oddities, my tangents, and for having experiences that can’t be quantified by science. Thank you for reading one such example.

May you have all the solutions you need. May you feel less odd and more normal. May you have easy health, happiness, and good fortune. May your experience be gentle on your constitution. May you feel loved and supported through a consistent connection to your divine half. May you have a happy life and blessed family. May you have a full understanding of your experience.

Many blessings,

Siva Hir Su