Tag Archives: don’t fear the reaper

Release a Big Negative

I realized that I need to process and release something I’ve been avoiding for a short bit. I need to let it go so that it doesn’t get bigger.

1st- name the fear and give genuine apology for the fear:

What is it?

Why have I been focusing so much on love and relationships when my husband is right in front of me?

The answer: I’m scared as all hell that I might loose him. I’m petrified that his state of being might not ever improve. I’m scared shitless that he might die long before I’m ready.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I have seen him go from stable of 11 years to not so stable the last 2 months, and I’m really worried.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m concerned that sooner than later, I’ll have to work all day and go home to greiving children. The teen will disappear because she’s overwhelmed and needs her space to grieve, so I’ll be left to cook and clean and do all the things Nathan would have done. I’ll have to function through grief while doing twice the work I am now. It really scares me. It scares me most because I won’t have the time or space to help my own children through the loss, and there would be no one to help me.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m sorry for even the aspects I couldn’t put words to here. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

2nd- let the fear go:

Like Ang in “Avatar, the Last Air Bender”. To heal anything, to heal everything, attachments must be released. Fear only holds us back. You have to completely let go and begin to see the truth.

3rd- find the deeper truth of inner spirit:

Nathan himself is a divine creator with a connection to his source. He knows how to find his own alignment and has been great at it at times. Nathan has the ability to heal as much as anyone. Being afraid that he might die is preventing focus fromm being on his ability to heal. He has free will and can choose anything he wants, but I know he loves me and wants to be there for me. I want to encourage him and help him to find himself.

Regardless of worst case scenario, Nathan is an eternal being and will always be with me if I chose. Also, I am a divine creator and I give my power away when I create negative situations like that. I have always found a way through every challenge that has come at me and this would be no different. I am strong, my kids are strong and we would make it through.

I like feeling my inner being and the knowing that comes with it. There is always a solution. My focus on love and relationships is a good thing because it helps to attract what I really want. I love the idea of Nathan healing and getting better. I love the idea of having additional life partners. I love the idea that we have a safety net and a easy way through every challenge. I like knowing that regardless of anything the divine loves and supports me. God protects me and keeps me safe if I let the positive flow in.

I love healing energy and I love being able to flow enough healing energy to help myself and all those around me whom I love. I know I will have all the support I need if the time should ever come to need it. I am hopeful that everything will turn around and heal into a bright wonderful future.

4th- blessings abound and bring more:

May you never have fears sneak up on you. May you find a way to release every fear. May you know that you are doing your best and that eventually it will lead to better and better, faster and faster. May you know that you can overcome anything that might be holding you back. May your healing energy flow strongly always, and benefit yourself and everyone around you. May you begin to see the miracles that life can bring all around you. May you find a way to eliminate all of the negatives in your awareness, so your focus is solely on the positives. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Post 1 of 2; Warning: Includes Profanity

Dearest Daddy,

Since you enjoy stalking me so much, you should just bookmark this blog post so that you can get to it easily. Then you won’t need your Chinese stalker software which is hypocrisy since you always freely say you hate the Chinese and anything they make.

As for the reason for this post: I am writing to give you a taste of your own medicine. You want respect, but you have always been too busy passing judgment, scrutiny, and blame to earn any. Are you dead yet? I don’t understand why you stalk someone that you only want to own, and don’t actually like or love. I punched you once, and if it weren’t so damn inconvenient for me, I’d drive to Arizona and punch you again.

You can own property, you can own things, you can own businesses, but you can never truly own people.

I’m sorry that you were lied to and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker, but you don’t own me and never did. Frankly, it is quite icky that you are attacking us from 4 states away with a very clear message of ownership. The things you spread into my dreams and thoughts are disgusting, and last night Nathan was helping me get you out and he learned what I was talking about. He got them directly because you attacked him when he tried to cut cords. Your rancid thoughts are so disgusting, about me being yours like someone would claim a sex slave, and that Nathan isn’t worthy and you want him dead. You are the one that needs to die. There is no reason on god’s green earth why your child should ever experience your perverted thoughts, and be told of your desire to screw me. There is no reason on god’s green earth that I should know about the lack of functionality of your dick. Yet I do, and both put together- I think I know why God took the functionality of your dick: he knew you were too damned perverted and dense to keep control of it, so he took it for you. I wouldn’t be one bit surprised if I have half siblings somewhere in the world that no one knows about. I’m also starting to understand really, truly and fully how the molestation happened when I was a child. Your recent ambush has given it away. You wanted to fuck me and knew you would experience god’s wrath if you did, so you sent a boy to do it for you, you sick bastard. I hope you get your just desserts for that ickiness.

You pretended to play protector, but you were anything but. The boy trying to force me to have sex, and you pretending you didn’t know. You put us in a shitty ass mobile home and then used the money you didn’t have to spend on housing, taking “business trips” so you could go fuck other women. I remember cowering in the bath-tub with mom and J. when I was 6 years old, afraid our home was going to be blown away with us in it, and you were supposedly on a business trip. I wonder who you were fucking that night. Telling me this and that were bad for me and would make me fat and ugly, making my body afraid of everything under the sun, but you didn’t follow any of it yourself. You still to this day eat every shred of shitty food you can find, turn your nose up at anything healthy, and yet pick apart my food choices when I am trying to meet the standard that you brainwashed me into seeing as necessary.

Furthermore, this nonsense of spreading your seed. Another lie you fell for. Yet you seem adamant that I need to fall for it too, and I refuse. Humans are not here to solely procreate, if that were true we would die shortly after our last child was able to support themselves. You are here to enable the human race to survive, that isn’t just producing offspring. If you can’t take care of and improve the home- our planet, for your children, then their chances of survival are nil and procreation was pointless. Humans have the responsibility to better the Earth so that offspring can continue to survive and keep the cycle going. If you fail to follow through with being caretaker for the planet then your seed is worthless. From experience I can honestly say that regardless of how many children you conceived (known or unknown) you did nothing to better the world and help ensure survival of future generations. Your greed and outdated beliefs and values demonstrated that time and time again. Your seed was worthless to begin with, so don’t be so damn upset that at 77 your dick doesn’t work and your semen is clear. And for fuck’s sake stop telling me and everyone around you about it.

You never wanted me, the whole of who I am. I have no idea what sordid, deluded, disgusting idea you really had when I was born, but you never really wanted me, my soul, my spirit.

You didn’t want someone interested in art and music, you merely humored me, hoping I would come around and be an engineer like you and fulfill some fucked up potential that you failed to meet for yourself. When I wanted to go to school for the things that brought me joy, you made sure to make it as difficult as possible and tell me repeatedly I was making a mistake. My only mistake was listening to anything you ever said to me.

You blame Nathan for me being who I am. Here’s a fucking clue, the only thing Nathan ever did was take interest in me and support me emotionally. He genuinely cared who I was- wholly and completely, and did what he could to give me the emotional support needed to take action towards the things I wanted. He helped me reach my own goals. He was the first person beyond my mother, that wanted me to get what I wanted. He was the first human to love me unconditionally, through thick and thin, and regardless of how I acted, what I did, or what I wanted. You failed to ever see me, who I was, what I wanted, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do. You didn’t even know the meaning of emotional support, spending all your time providing emotional traumas. I now understand that curfews and preventing me from dating, were all just because you wanted to keep me for your sick perverted self. I now understand that you always saw me as property and never as my own capable human being.

You didn’t want a strong woman for a daughter, you probably wanted another son to smack around, like you did with all of them. No you had no problem telling me to go fetch the football for the boys, but girls couldn’t actually play football. Girls weren’t allowed to do much of anything. Just shut up and look pretty. Bonus, the few times I stood up for myself you put me down, even going as far as telling mom I was just being a whiney bitch.

Well daddy, your girl has grown up and I am totally and completely over your sick perverted nothingness. Leave me the fuck alone. Quit stalking me, and quit draining me with your disgusting muck. At this point anything and everything that even slightly looks or feels like you , I will avoid like the plague.

I know you will never change, because I have seen it. You fail to deal with anything, and you have as many addictions as you ever did, still watching porn nightly. Oh, you think we didn’t notice, but you are so deaf we were afraid your porn would wake our toddlers up. Your delusional mind seems to be hell bent on doing and being the worst possible human being that you can be, so you might as well throw in the towel. At this point it would be a flat out miracle if you changed anything, let alone enough to heal yourself. So stop fucking me over every day with your energetic bullshit. Just let go and die. It’s that simple.

Just let go of me, you’ll never get me to change, most everything about me is in response to a strong desire to be the exact opposite of you, and the things that aren’t are because I work every day to make myself a better person. I want to reach for better and be the best person with the best positive impact on this world that I can be.

Fuck you very much. Fuck you, your fucking horse, and your fucking horses’ donkey. Take a really really long fucking walk off of a really fucking short pier, and leave me the fuck out of it. You have burned too many bridges and you will never come back to my home alive- especially while you are still having nightly porn forrays.

Good bye.