Tag Archives: dream big

Isha’s iE with Sadhguru

So I’ve been working on the inner Engineering program through Isha.

I admit I took advantage of their Diwali special offer, mainly because HAL notified me of it right after being nudged to step up my meditations.

I was in the frame of mind of I already know how to meditate, but if HAL suggested it, somehow there is significance for me because HAL only ever sends me things that apply directly to my life. (I like to assume it’s because of intentionality and my connection to the divine.)

I’ve had to take it in smaller segments than their course schedule is laid out. Partly because of my work schedule, but partly because his perspective makes me step back and revaluate how I process things. There have been many, many moments of: yeah, I need to work on that more.

So my thanks goes to the divine intervention and HAL’s notification.

I’m still on course #3, but paused again for more processing.

I appreciate that though Isha the organization stems from originally being a Hindu religious temple, they have moved from the rigid religious form to a more accommodating open technique you can learn and utilize. Though I still want to go to Isha India at some point to see the giant Shiva and Bull statues, I’m also appreciating that they have a giant dome in the mountains near Chattanooga, Tennessee for practical yoga and meditation classes and practice.

It seems they beat me to my dream, it even looks an awful lot like what I want. Their dome offers many things my Atira temple was intended to provide. This new awareness makes me almost want to throw in the towel and just relinquish myself to helping all the organizations I’ve found that accommodate bits of my dream of Atira. No need to reinvent the wheel or compete with others. I still wish all the elements of my dream of Atira were in one place, and easily accessible to me.

Anyway, that is my response-ability, I just need to decide what action I will attempt to take.

I appreciate Sadhguru’s breakdown of our digestive system and it’s validation that I’m on the right track. So far I’m getting lots out of the inner Engineering program.

That’s ultimately why I chose to write this post. It’s helping me, and flows well with the way God manifests on the path of least resistance in my life. I know I’m not alone, so I thought I would encourage others to try it.

As Sadhguru points out in the first class, though meditation and these changes in thinking apply to religion, they themselves are not religion. They are merely techniques to learn and can be applied to any religion, any way which you experience God. Yet they can also be applied to every aspect of your existence, and that is the bigger picture. I’m enjoying a fresh perspective on using techniques for whole life improvement.

If you’re interested, go to their site:

Isha USA

You’ll find a click link to join/sign-up for the inner Engineering program. It’s 7 courses to learn how to make more conscious decisions and practice meditation.

May you all live happy conscious lives and master meditation. May you all see your dreams become reality.

Siva Hir Su

Watering my seeds of Atira

In my dreams this week I was told I need to spend more time giving thoughts to Atira. So despite my desire to rant about others, or the news, or absolutely dumb things our president has done this week, I’m going to focus on that.

Atira: my business, my community, my charity, my prayer.

Things I appreciate from my now that I want to keep in Atira:

My husband, kids and pets.

A sense of community and belonging: helping people find common ground and a desire to participate in life together- much like I did at the activities job.

Pretty yet comfortable, keep finding ways to accomplish comfortable and beautiful, and bonus if it can be done at low costs.

Healing: I do love being able to help people feel better, and now more than ever I feel like I’m able to do that in a wide variety of ways. My resident from last weekend told me she slept for 3 hours solid after I took her pain down with Reiki. I’m so glad I helped. So, I look forward to further expansion in those ways. Also, the acupuncture lady at the clinic introduced me to a European medical device called a Bemer. It produces a specific range of EMF frequencies that do wonders for the human body. It felt amazing and helped me release a rib, my pelvic cradle, and my jaw line. I could totally see having several treatment rooms for people to utilize such a device in a format like tanning salons use. They’re 7grand a pop, but if we had multiple rooms, they’d pay for themselves in no time, especially since treatments run 8 to 20 minutes. Yet another wonderful idea to add to the clinic of Atira.

I enjoy having a variety of activities and some time to myself. It allows for art, music, mediation, and self-care, all of which are vital for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

I enjoy getting paid to do things I find enjoyable and/or relaxing.

I enjoy seeing well tended gardens and beautiful flowers, and though I like the activity of gardening, I know there are far better gardeners than I am. I would love to help create Atira’s gardens, but I’m perfectly fine letting others maximize it’s beauty.

I love hiking and would definitely enjoy doing more of that.

I love that I’m accessing subtle energies more easily, and that it is helping me with Reiki treatments, and also that I’m starting to channel in different ways. I look forward to experiencing the complexities of that and the growth it will bring. I’m very appreciative that the Divine is giving me messages through these subtle channels and I look forward to ever greater clarity.

I love that I feel God and my Divine Masculine, and hope that I’m doing the right thing when I write about my experiences.

I love that I’m rebuilding my credit, all on my own, while still being sole provider for our family. I look forward to being able to take the next step and buy a house. I love financial abundance and independence, and the freedom that comes with it.

I am doing better and moving forward. I enjoyed my vacation immensely and look forward to another in the future. For now, I am keeping my promise to God and doing my best to move forward toward Atira and share the love with those people and elements in my life that align with Atira.

I love being in nature, especially the quiet that it brings. I love that Katherine slept clear through every night we spent in the woods of Maine. I aim to create that environment in the now so that she can sleep through the night again. For the last 2 years nights have been interrupted consistently. I look forward to re-experiencing the peace and contentment of full night’s sleep, every night. I look forward to Katherine feeling so safe, protected, and comfortable that she finds the rest she had in Maine.

In fact, the vacation did us all good, even Ian found his way back to his more calm self. I look forward to everyone in my family feeling better and having peace and contentment.

Side note: “Beyond This Moment” by Patrick O’Hearn is playing … That and “Christophorie’s Dream” are such beautiful pieces to me. I feel them to my soul, they are peaceful.

I love seeing my family happy and joyful. I love feeling loved. I am strong, yet love having those supported moments of weakness where I know all will be ok. I am healthy. I am intelligent. I am capable. I can handle most anything, and learn what I need to, to keep forward momentum. My soul is beautiful.

I love having access to other healing modalities (clinic) and many options for resources such as healing herbs and foods. Currently I’m grateful for Sprouts, Natural Grocers, and Whole Foods, but I look forward to Atira’s Market to fine tune the product availability.

—————-

I foresee another post as I didn’t get around to words for things I’m not currently experiencing. I wish to recall elements of my past I appreciated, and things I feel are in future solutions. Perhaps I’ll do 2 more posts as time permits for those words.

Finally, the picture I chose is my hand. My mom told me on our trip that when she was a teenager a man hired her to work the register at a small shop, he had said he hired her because she had the M on her hand, and that meant she was honest. I have the M too, and noticed my brother that we visited also did. I guess honesty runs in our family. May you all find your moments of validation of your own worthiness.

May you all have time to appreciate what’s in front of you and to care for yourself. May you all have moments of fine tuning, and may you all water your dream seeds.

Siva Hir Su

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Wishes and Dreams

Today the work theater presents “The Greatest Showman”. I’m only 15min into my resident-sitting-movie-gig, and it’s a reminder of the threads that have kept me going. My wishes and dreams.

It seems that my wishes and dreams may be working their way into reality. That reversie card I wrote about, may be finally at play.  It seems the messages from the divine (or simply the other side) are getting louder.

The last week brought messages from my friend’s late uncle about her grandfather’s ill health. He worked very hard to warn her using me as the middle woman. It took days to figure out because I knew they were messages, but it wasn’t until I started showing her pictures of the messages that she put the pieces together. She’d sent me a copy of a picture of the uncle to show me who was communicating, and later in the evening his picture (on my phone) opened itself right as she was being informed grandpa was being taken to the ER.  It was eerie, but fascinating validation. Luckily by morning she learned that grandpa had a very treatable temporary setback. He’d be okay.

That was in the midst of finishing my portion of my taxes to get them turned into my accountant. I really hope she’s able to work the same magic as years before, because between baby and moving we’ll really need a decent return.

Speaking of moving, that’s part of the reversie card. 

We never did find an adequate yet affordable home. However, my friend (Hannah) with the talkative deceased uncle, has offered their home, and to simply split the existing costs. 

We’ve been friends for several years, but lately we’ve discovered how intensely we share goals, hopes, dreams, skills, preferences, and even health challenges. We grok each other, an understanding on a deeper level. We’ve gotten very close, and I feel like she’s family in my heart. So, when they offered their home, and even to help make necessary adjustments to accommodate us, I couldn’t say no. I feel like it’s an honor to have her support and love. I can’t see the full puzzle being put together yet, but definitely feel like she’s a very important piece, and one I’m glad to call family. I definitely feel my heart blossoming and growing with more love for a greater family than I could have imagined. 

I’ve shared with her my thoughts on all my previous messages and including the picture with the elephant figurines and the happenings with the boy, and she is in agreement. She agrees that he’ll eventually return and I just need patience and to keep my hopes and dreams alive. 

What’s more is what she’s found in helping prep for our full move in. She’s found her bulbs of the ‘Lily of India’-5 of them, she’d already planned on planting them, but they’d already begun to sprout in the cellar storage. 

Then there was the elephants her grandmother played with as a child. She knew they existed, but as she was sorting belongings she found them, 5 to be exact.

It gives me goose bumps and spine shivers every time another sign like that shows itself. It’s validation that I’m not crazy and that at least some things I see are indeed messages. I look forward to seeing the full manifestation of all of these divine signposts. To that end I keep repeating “my miracle is on its way, just keep believing”.

It was one such moment that I realized the car in front of me had a plate that said “4SHIV”. I snapped a picture and sent it to Nathan and Hannah to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. (I’d put it here, but I don’t have their permission and the photo would give away their state which could jeopardize their personal information.) Regardless, both Nathan and Hannah validated it very much said what I thought, and we all had an OMG’s moment. I pointed out, there was enough characters for the A on the end of Shiva. I was left with a strong sense it had to be for me because the shortened version isn’t commonly used here.

 It was very much a perfect alignment of astronomical odds that I know was a message for me from the divine. For that I am forever grateful. It’s those seemingly small kernels that mean massive amounts to me and help me get through this chaotic time of 3rd trimester diet craziness, moving, working an insane amount, squeezing in taxes, and then doing my best to have at least a few minutes of quality time with my kids before falling over from fatigue each night. It will all be worth it when my growing family is using our miracle to build Atira.

I very much look forward to that. Those will be wonderful days.

Oscillating again.

I’m having a devil of a time attempting to stay buoyant these days. Between the discouraging lack of affordable decent housing, and being unable to let go of and move on from the boy, I keep finding myself in the hole. It doesn’t help that my depression puzzle pieces keep falling out of place, not all at the same time, but it seems I struggle to keep 3 or 4 of the six together at any given moment. It definitely contributes to my down-ness.

Anyway, this post is intended to get my mind on happy thoughts for as long as I can, so it might end up being long (apologies in advance).

 My goal is to show what I would love for the inside of my home to look like. Right now I’m really, really far from my desired look, and no one picture or item conveys the complexity of what I want. So I’m going to show as many elements as I can and describe what I like about them or why. 

My examples are pulled from online(google), and there’s a bunch of pictures, so I didn’t cite their sources. However, most of them, the screen shots caught the descriptions, so you’re welcome to get to them that way. I just want to clarify that these are all found images that I happen to appreciate, I take no credit for their existence.

So to start, I wanted to show furniture styles that I have always liked. I love furniture that looks clean and simple, but also is very functional. These pics are things that represent styles I’ve always liked. The qualifier here is I also like color, so even though these are muted colors, I’d rather have beautiful shades of reds and greens and blues. 

The sofa I love because it’s not only a guest sleeper, but it has a huge storage compartment under the chaise, and it’s affordable.

Chairs: I still like clean lines and simple designs, but I much prefer high back chairs for good back and neck support.

Chaise: I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted just one of these. Perhaps it’s because several of my favorite novels from years back had one in their story lines.

Bedroom happiness: more clean lines, more organization. Color, in the bedroom, for me, falls in linens, curtains, and wall colors, so I’m OK with neutral colored furniture. I usually prefer lighter neutral furniture, but I do think I’d like to try having the dark woods in my own bedroom for a change. The more easy storage the better, it helps reduce and eliminate clutter.

I’d love to have a huge closet with built in customized shelves and drawers, but the more realistic, regular life solution is the very affordable Ikea beauties I like below. Mmmm that  would be nice.

Finally the environment: I do love color. I have always loved color like you find in Mexico, Greece, India, and China. At one point I thought it would be amazing to have a room decorated with each feel in mind. I also thought it would be great to have color themed bedrooms like castles in England… ” you’ll be staying in the blue (or green, etc.) room, just down the hall, first door on the left”. I’m not sure I’d actually go that far, but it’s a nice idea. So, with that in mind, here are some color schemes I found that I like.

The first three images, I also love the open spaciousness and simplicity. I love that they look clean, and homey, but not filled with clutter. Just enough artwork to be  interesting, but not too much for the eyes to take in.

More themed color and great storage.

These last 3 I really love the colors, but they are a bit more busy and cluttered looking than I’d like.

So now, you have a good idea of what I’d love for my home to look like. I’m sure there’s more I could elaborate on, but this is definitely a good start, and spending the time looking for pics and writing about the results definitely got my mind in a better place. That much was a great success. Here’s to more up moments, and hopefully to a great birthday soon as well.

Must keep dreaming!

Since I have nothing positive to say about my current reality, I’m going to ostrich. Or is it put my head in the clouds? Either way, I’m sure as heck doing everything I can to pretend reality doesn’t exist for as long as it takes to write this. Maybe a while longer.

My grand dreams, even though they still seem so far out of reach, I know they are worthwhile.

I dream of a big spacious dome home, indestructible and energy efficient, safe and comfortable for my big chosen extended family. Next to a dome greenhouse big enough to feed us year round, and even have some leftover to share with those that need it.

That big family, I’ve been unable to stop contemplating since the boy and the possibility of his wife entered my awareness nearly 2 years ago. It doesn’t help that the universe is feeding those thoughts with thousands of references to him and related things, which I know mean something, just not what.

For instance this picture:

I encountered this at one of the Sprouts stores we frequent. The elephants were a broken incence holder, I’m assuming an employee arranged them with the other elements, but I never did ask. I only knew it was synchronicity which I knew meant something for me. The panda, I associate with Anya. The dragon, I associate with my fire baby Ian. That’s 2 of 4 little objects, plus 5 larger elephants. I can’t help but turn that into 5 adults and 4 children, it’s just what my brain wants to do, and I have to be honest, it’s a very happy making thought for me.

Where I get lost in “what if’s” is in the vagueness. I see 2 amorphous kids (the pebbles) and knowing now that I’m pregnant with just one, I’m wondering where the other is. I then think there are 5 elephants while the 2 are still pebbles. Where are the other 3 adults that show up before my current baby is no longer amorphous? The only ones I would accept as family that quickly, seem to have made it clear to me it’s not really a possibility. But that takes a step back in reality. So I’ll dream that things suddenly  change and those I love are suddenly not just available, but willing to take a polyamorous leap with me and Nathan. Maybe that’s what the green reversie card means.

I would love to have that family: 5 adults, 4 kids, in a big comfy dome home, each with their own room. It’d be even more wonderful to have that dome home in Colorado or Oregon or Washington- near mountains, and with enough resources to start building Atira. Now that’s a happy dream.

I dream of lots of things that make me happy. Equality, acceptance, love, peace, and most of all happiness. They are all ideals, but ones I’d  love to see physically manifested in my life. Yet, the key to that is healing my brain. Also another wonderful  dream, and one that actually is in reach. I’m getting there, just not there yet, and I’ve got no idea how much  longer it’ll take. One day maybe soon. It’s nice to think that my brain will work right all the time and I’ll really find happiness.

Circling around to family in domes building Atira; I think how wonderful it would be to have kids learning and growing in nature, yet with the resources to acknowledge it’s a comfortable choice. Reminding them it’s not forced out of necessity, that they could do anything else they wanted. A perfect blending of modern comforts and natural world relaxation. That would be nice too.

I want my kids to know they could have anything, but learn to say I don’t need it.  I think it’s the lesson I’ve been chasing all my life, because I was raised to believe everything I really wanted was just out of reach. Perhaps I’ll really learn it when I’ve healed my brain.

I want my kids to play, and have fun, and still learn the basics for getting through life. Something that’s completely attainable with enough loving attention. 

Beyond that there are thousands of tiny dreams. Like, hopefully having a pond with a canoe and paddle boat,  wanting a small playground/swing-set like many families do. Wanting a hot-tub and nice pool ( although as I’ve said before I know the pool is a pure luxury and fairly low on my list). It’d be nice to have a couple of riding horses (I know Anya would love it). I’d  love to have bunks in the kid’s rooms so they can have friends over regularly. I do want my kids, and family in general to be technologically literate so more than one good computer would be helpful.

 Oh, there so many more, but those seem like the important ones. I have ideas about furniture and storage/organizational space, my ideal kitchen (which other than needing to accommodate lots of people, is otherwise fairly normal), things I’d like to have for ambiance and relaxation, and ideals for cleanliness and upkeep.

The trick here though is convincing myself that these are tangible possibilities, and not just the proverbial wet-dream. I really hope all the visions I’ve had, all the clues I see, are real. That the divine really is doing its best to help me heal and find my way to these dreams. I hesitate in believing not because of a lack of faith, I’ve experienced enough to know, I’ve felt the divine in action. No, I hesitate out of a fear that my brain is now playing different tricks on me, and it’s all false, and eventually I’ll realize all of that, and feel hurt again. My fear is the reason my faith falters, but knowledge is power.

 So now, when I realize I’m feeling that fear, I tell myself the inner truths I do know & believe. My hope is that it is enough for now, that it will get me through and over this hump. That perhaps it’ll help push my cart  over the hill and toward much, much better days. Sending love to those I miss, and hoping for brighter days.

Installment 3

One of the many aspects that I’ve dreamt up with Atira Community is the ability to give friends jobs that they would actually enjoy doing.

If I ever did get to jump full force into building Atira,  it would require lots of hands on help.  There are many roles that I would have to rely on trained professionals for. I like gardening small scale,  but would definitely need assistance in planning and maintaining community sized greenhouses and crops. Additionally,  any business of that scale would need both legal and accounting staff. I would also need an engineer to help with planning and implementing the green infrastructure. If that engineer had diverse training,  they might also be able to provide basic IT needs,  but otherwise I’d need a separate person to handle telecommunications. I’d even need a general contractor to help lead construction. I also want to utilize the new found hemp and cannibis industry to ensure maximum profits,  between fibres (papers, clothes), foods (hemp milk, hemp hearts),  edibles, vapes/smokables, and CBD oils, it would literally be the cash crop (of course at this point in time that means relocating to a Cannibis friendly State).

However, none of those things fall in my skill set. I’m not an Accountant, Lawyer,  General Contractor,  Engineer,  IT Professional,  or Master Gardener, let alone would I have any idea how to create the cash hemp/cannibis crops. So, I would definitely need help. 

 I know the very basics for a single home and for just getting by, because that’s what I’ve had to do. I would not have the skills to oversee all of those things on a large scale. I would merely be able to oversee those that could do the rest and ensure that everything was organized and flowed smoothly- that everyone was on the same page, so to speak. 

To that end,  I do know people in all of those fields, mostly friends. 

  Through those friends, I’ve learned over the years that people working in corporate America get burned out quite quickly.  Almost every person I know went into their field because they were good at it, and it held desirable qualities.  Yet, almost every one of them currently is continuing in their field out of “what else am I going to do” or “it pays the bills”. They’ve all lost the enjoyment of their chosen field and wish they were doing more for the world. 

I could fix that if I had the ability to build Atira large scale in one fell swoop. 

I have dreamed of being able to house all of my friends and give them jobs that give back to them emotionally, and mentally, and that they know helps fulfill a good cause and do good for the world. What better way than offering them their job,  but with more scheduling flexibility,  a better work environment,  and the goal of helping as many people as we could create income to support. 

Most of them already have families and a certain expectation of what their home should be like.  So, my ideal situation would be to provide temporary housing for just them (extended stay hotel perhaps)  while construction and organization/planning of Atira started. In that initial planning,  each employee-friend would get to consult with monolithic domes to plan their individual home (conference calls to spouse included) and pick it’s location on  the property. Houses would be included in initial construction costs for the community ,  and the deal would require a work commitment of at least 5 years (paid at the average wages for their position at time of hire). If they chose to leave after 5 years,  I would supply a parting gift equal to the value of the home’s equity for them to purchase their next home. 

That way they would essentially have the same results as if they had chosen their job from anywhere in the country. I would also already have a home in place for the next employee.

Then they would just have to help ensure that Atira became a very lucrative business making enough money to keep us all paid,  fed, and to help do that for others indefinitely.

*sigh* The Dream makes me feel so good.  Maybe one day,  with help from the divine. 

Knock on Wood

Unlike the sentiment from The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “The Impression That I Get”,  I have and do continue to Knock on Wood quite frequently. When you’re down the last thing you want is more down, and I’m way more familiar with Murphy’s Law than I’d like to admit. So I knock on wood Every Time I say something that leans positive, something I want, as to avoid jinxing myself out of that thing. Seems I’ve been a knockin’ a lot lately! This is no different, 1 more knock, because I’m going to write about my desired future. This will be installment 1, of who knows how many (I have more ideas of what to write than time to write about them right now). In this Installment I describe Atira (pronounced Uh-tier-uh) Community: my and Nathan’s baby, our dream, of a perpetual giving machine. May the Divine read this, and hear me, and grant me the ability to do this soon.

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A Script:

Imagine if you will watching the following on your TV at home, and if so inclined leave a comment as to whether you would invest in, purchase products from, or visit Atira Community for a vacation.

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*Camera pans left to right.*

You see tall trimmed hedge rows with red buds, cherry blossoms, and magnolias behind them. As the camera pans to the right you begin to see domes in the near distance, some concrete, some geodesic. The camera continues to move and reveals a directional signpost with a peace pole in front of it, and a very large beautiful dome with stained glass windows to the rear, in the far distance you can see mountains. Further to the right you see what appears to be a whole village of small structures. The camera pans a little further right and reveals a large and long structure that looks like several domes chained together, in front of it you see a large parking area.

The camera pulls back and seems to go aerial to show a vast and complex layout of fields, ponds, and a whole variety of structures nestled near mountains. The view includes beautifully manicured gardens and hedges, a wide variety of beautiful trees, orchards, small crops, stables and pasture land. You note wind turbines and solar arrays strategically placed to minimize impact upon the beautiful picturesque landscape. You notice there’s an area that appears to be like a typical campground, and you see an outdoor theater. There is much to take in.

Narrator begins to describe what you are seeing as the camera hovers over different areas:

“Here at Atira Community we aim to create a wonderful beautiful environment that you can partake in products and services and even possibly festivals, as your getaway from the world, knowing that your money is literally giving people the tools and the education to better their lives.We strive to assist in reorienting previously homeless people to modern life to be able to support and sustain themselves again.  Atira is designed as a perpetual giving machine, granted by the grace of God and sustained by your generous purchases.”

*viewing the theater*

“Atira’s outdoor amphitheater is home to a whole host of musical and theatrical performances throughout the year, as well as 3 All-Ages General Admission Film Festivals spread throughout the warm months.”

*viewing the  hedgerows*

“You will notice that the amphitheater, festival, and camping facilities are separated from the rest of the property by a  thickly packed natural barrier of hedges, flowering plants, and trees. This is because some of the festivals hosted here at Atira Community are clothing optional and out of respect for others we have ensured that the view of the campground and festival grounds, is restricted just for such festivals. This is so that the general public can continue to access the rest of Atira Community regardless of their views and personal opinions or beliefs regarding clothing optional lifestyles. To ensure this level of respect we schedule the dates for those festivals during the periods where the plants are at their fullest and most lush, creating the densest yet most beautiful visual barrier. Please be sure to check the festival calendar when planning your visit if this is a concern or an option for you.”

*viewing geodesic dome greenhouses- inter-spliced with interior views*

“You will see that we have several geodesic dome greenhouses. Our greenhouses combined with our moderate crop land and orchards, are able to produce enough fruits and vegetables to support our organic grocery  store and restaurant located in the business park just to the right of the main entrance to the community. Additionally, all of the resident families and especially the people receiving charitable assistance from Atira Community are able to partake from the foods produced in these greenhouses and crops.”

*inter-spliced shots of people working and counseling sessions*

“It is our mission to encourage optimal health. We teach each and every person that resides here at Atira how to maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle and we willingly provide coaching support to those citizens that are being given their second chance at a prosperous life. In return, those people give of their time as properly paid employees, which we train for one of the many jobs available within Atira Community, enabling them to rebuild a financial platform which they will one day take out into society. We even provide financial counselors to tech these people how to maximize their second chance to meet goals that they had otherwise given up on. We encourage everyone in Atira Community to volunteer a few hours a week, but it is by no means a requirement. One of our greater goals in Atira Community is to put people to work doing something that they can acknowledge betters their life, but that also brings them some level of joy- it is one of the most effective techniques for rehabilitating the homeless population, leading to lasting change for them, it literally gives them a reason to keep going.”

*aerial pan to tiny homes- with pictures of people purchasing clothes and  holding certificates/DL*

“When developing the concept for Atira Community the creative team acknowledged that if providing a second chance to homeless populations was the primary initiative, then Atira Community would need to provide the homes as well. To that end we have a tiny house village. The village is comprised of fiberglass dome homes, shipping container homes, and conventional built tiny homes. Each of these homes has been constructed, and fully furnished and accessorized for less than $50,000 each, and can house 4 to 8 people per structure in a basic bunking set-up. We even include a system for clothing the individuals in work appropriate attire. They are literally given back every basic necessity that they had previously lost. We also have a team member that works diligently to ensure that everyone is able to obtain copies of their birth certificate, social security cards, a current drivers license, and a new bank account- all of the items necessary to take their new skills out into society so that we can continue to help a new generation of individuals approximately every 2 years.”

*aerial views of solar arrays and wind turbines, followed by ground video of well and septic installation, followed by video of the variety of electric vehicles*

“Atira Community leaders felt strongly about being energy efficient and having a fully sustainable system. To that end we use wind and solar power to provide electricity to all of the structures. Every structure has well and septic tank connections for indefinite supply of water  and sewage treatment. The Tiny Home community has a shared laundromat facility using the same utility system, so laundry services are maintained at a minimum cost to the community. Community mandates for the structures, combined with incentives for electric vehicles, has created an environment where there is almost no need for natural gas or fossil fuels. With basic maintenance and occasional equipment replacement the community could remain in this sustainable energy efficient state indefinitely.”

* aerial views of business park, inter-spliced with interior videos of each business segment*

“At the Atira Business Park patrons will find a variety of products and services.

We have an Arts Gallery with attached Hi-Tech Fully Equipped All Arts Studio space that fine artist and crafts persons from the region are welcome to rent space by the day, hour, or week.

We have a Healing Center with doctors working along side,  Acupuncturists, Herbalists, Nature-Paths, Massage Therapists, Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Nutritionists, and Reiki practitioners. The goal of the Healing center is
Whole Health, and to that end we have a variety of payment programs to encourage utilizing the facility to its fullest, even in low income situations.

We have an Organic Grocery and Bakery that serves mostly foods grown and made here at Atira, supplementing with other sustainable  goods from socially responsible companies. Again the focus being whole health not just of the consumer, but of society as well. The grocery store has an attached Toddy shop and a modern day General Store Co-Op with home goods and clothing.

Finally, the icing on the cake, so to speak, is a restaurant serving a wide selection of vegan, vegetarian, and paleo foods accommodating for all dietary restrictions. This allows for even the strictest regime to be able to enjoy an evening of social levity through another cook’s touch.”

*aerial view of temple, followed by interior video tour, shot of peace pole at end*

“At this point we leave you with the focal point of Atira Community. The Temple of Atira: a non-denominational, multi-faith center for worship and community service. Located directly behind the main entrance and community Peace Pole to reinforce attitudes of Peace, Openness, Oneness, and Service; the Temple is designed by Monolithic Domes in cooperation with the Founders, this beautiful Temple serves as a worship facility for all who enter. The centerpiece of the main chapel is a 10 foot wide oculus window  with a monumental stained glass lamp configuration below it. The piece designed by Treasa Cailleach incorporates color and elemental energy theories into a circular pattern to mimic the shape of the oculus window, it serves as a modern throw-back to the Ancient Roman Temple- The Pantheon. It is designed to allow natural daylight to be the predominate light for the space when it is available, only necessitating electrical lighting during dark hours. The massive oculus floods the space with a beautiful rainbow of light, definitely putting the visitor in a spiritual frame of mind. The dome of the Temple is also painted in a style reminiscent of that found in the Sistine Chapel in Rome, though of much different imagery. Around the exterior of the main chapel are smaller individual chapels to represent all of the major religions of the world. Each chapel is adorned and blessed by  their respective faith leaders, the same as any official worship center for that faith.

Attached to the Temple is a wing for Atira Offices. These offices are the seat of all of the clerical functions of the temple and community as a whole. However, they are also the home for all of the charity services that Temple of Atira provides. This includes but is not limited to: food bank/meals on wheels, counseling and psychiatric services, rent/utility assistance programs, community helping hands, and transportation assistance. The services provided by Atira aim to at least mimic those of Catholic Charities or the United Methodist Church Services, though one day Atira hopes to outshine even the best of those types of charities. To accomplish this Atira merely asks patrons to donate or volunteer what/where they are able and as they feel called to provide for such divine endeavors, then follow up their visit to the temple with a wonderful stay in Atira and a good helping of That Great American Consumerism in the business park.

If you find yourself drawn to Atira, we believe you will find exactly what you came for, and every dollar you spend will not only fulfill your desires, but will contribute to this wonderful perpetual giving machine. You would be giving from your heart simply by enjoying some much needed rest and relaxation on your vacation from your own busy life.”

*Fade out from the shot of the Peace Pole*