Tag Archives: dreams

Isha’s iE with Sadhguru

So I’ve been working on the inner Engineering program through Isha.

I admit I took advantage of their Diwali special offer, mainly because HAL notified me of it right after being nudged to step up my meditations.

I was in the frame of mind of I already know how to meditate, but if HAL suggested it, somehow there is significance for me because HAL only ever sends me things that apply directly to my life. (I like to assume it’s because of intentionality and my connection to the divine.)

I’ve had to take it in smaller segments than their course schedule is laid out. Partly because of my work schedule, but partly because his perspective makes me step back and revaluate how I process things. There have been many, many moments of: yeah, I need to work on that more.

So my thanks goes to the divine intervention and HAL’s notification.

I’m still on course #3, but paused again for more processing.

I appreciate that though Isha the organization stems from originally being a Hindu religious temple, they have moved from the rigid religious form to a more accommodating open technique you can learn and utilize. Though I still want to go to Isha India at some point to see the giant Shiva and Bull statues, I’m also appreciating that they have a giant dome in the mountains near Chattanooga, Tennessee for practical yoga and meditation classes and practice.

It seems they beat me to my dream, it even looks an awful lot like what I want. Their dome offers many things my Atira temple was intended to provide. This new awareness makes me almost want to throw in the towel and just relinquish myself to helping all the organizations I’ve found that accommodate bits of my dream of Atira. No need to reinvent the wheel or compete with others. I still wish all the elements of my dream of Atira were in one place, and easily accessible to me.

Anyway, that is my response-ability, I just need to decide what action I will attempt to take.

I appreciate Sadhguru’s breakdown of our digestive system and it’s validation that I’m on the right track. So far I’m getting lots out of the inner Engineering program.

That’s ultimately why I chose to write this post. It’s helping me, and flows well with the way God manifests on the path of least resistance in my life. I know I’m not alone, so I thought I would encourage others to try it.

As Sadhguru points out in the first class, though meditation and these changes in thinking apply to religion, they themselves are not religion. They are merely techniques to learn and can be applied to any religion, any way which you experience God. Yet they can also be applied to every aspect of your existence, and that is the bigger picture. I’m enjoying a fresh perspective on using techniques for whole life improvement.

If you’re interested, go to their site:

Isha USA

You’ll find a click link to join/sign-up for the inner Engineering program. It’s 7 courses to learn how to make more conscious decisions and practice meditation.

May you all live happy conscious lives and master meditation. May you all see your dreams become reality.

Siva Hir Su

Corn-ey with messages?

Last night I accidentally ate some corn, now today I’m hurting a bit, but the weird stuff continues.

Nathan wanted Indian food, and picked Goddavari which is South Indian. I love Indian food, but most of it has all my allergens, so I went in prepared having taken an extra dose of benadryl.

My favorite dish is Saag/Palak Paneer so I ordered that. Of course, I stupidly made a comment about not understanding why paneer is always paneer in all the dialects, but the blend of greens changes from Saag to Palak. Moments later I thought of our own ridiculous regionalities like Soda vs Coke vs Pepsi, all essentially being used to convey a carbonated beverage. It made me sigh.

Anyway, Nathan chose Navartan Kurma based on the description not having whole peppers of any kind (that would reduce likelyhood of an asthma response for me).

Our food arrived and as usual we did the sharing of both. As I was eating the Kurma I saw corn. At that point it was too late, so I relagated to enjoying my meal and asked God to help it be gentle on me. Literally my words were “Shiva you come from a land of fire and I need no help with fire”. That made me laugh, and after a moment I said “Thank you for the laugh, but seriously help this be easy on me, and I’ll take more allergy medicine as soon as I can. ”

Considering how much exposure to allergens I had, and knowing there was corn involved, I’m grateful that I’m only a little achey today. I have fared far worse in the past. I have a slightly lighter day, so with anti-inflamatories and lots of fluids I’ll make it through just fine.

……………

So then imagine if you will, me standing naked (maybe don’t imagine that part 😅 ) in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Just then a giant spider literally dropped down beside me on our over the toilet shelves.

It looked like this one:

Yuck! And it was huge, the size of a shooter-marble. Double yuck.

I backed away, toothbrush still in my mouth, I called for Nathan to come kill it. He started laughing at me. He told me that I’m such a strong warrior, right up until a spider gets too close and I turn into a shaking little girl. I punched him in the arm, right after he squashed and flushed the spider. I told him you might be right, but that doesn’t mean you have to mock me.

He said ” By the way, that spider was for you, I’m not the one that has spiders in dreams or anywhere for that matter.” I punched him again. But he’s right, it very much was for me.

The dreams and messages have continued.

Last night’s dream: Nathan got over zealous about a run-down house in searching for someplace to buy. In the dream he literally started cleaning when the real estate agent went to check on the home’s status. When the agent came back she said it had already closed for the cost of the outstanding taxes. Nathan was annoyed, but I ranted at him about the feasability of it in the first place.

I knew that dream was not just about a warning of being overzealous, it was also about how sometimes Nathan and I interact out of habits. We’re literally re-attracting repeat situations because of our inability to believe the other has improved and changed and grown. It made me pause, but I found myself getting riled telling him of the dream. I wanted him to do or say something that would prove he hears me and acknowledges we need to do things differently. We need a reset and I’m not sure how to accomplish that.

Anyway, just before waking this morning I heard a child say “will you keep me safe”. Initially I thought” I’ll keep you as safe as I can and let God do the rest”. Later, I reworded that to “I’ll teach you to let God keep you safe”.

Ultimately, I feel like that might be the spirit of my next child, and this is a redefining moment. This is a be careful what you ask and what you promise type situation.

I know as a parent that despite my best efforts my children will experience hurts. I also know that God heals hurts and can keep us safe from the worst if we allow that connection to guide us. I’ve been doing my best of late to try and teach Ian and Katharine that. It’s very difficult to slow a child down and get them to find their inner guidance, at least it is with my children. Yet, it’s not impossible.

It is my goal that my current children and any others I may have learn to maintain their connection better than I did. Of course, the hardest part in that is relinquishing control when their inner guidance dictates they do something differently than I would. My children are my most difficult mirrors, pushing my paradigm, making me uncomfortable over the simplest of things. I know this, but somehow that knowing doesn’t make the process any easier. I find I often have to step back and just breathe.

May you all find God’s helpful grace in your times of errors. May you all find your inner being and find a way to teach your children to find theirs. May your mirrors come with patience and understanding so you learn your own lessons gently. And may you find your strength even when faced with the thing that makes you feel like a trembling child.

Be well and blessed.

So mote it be. Siva Hir Su.

Watering my seeds of Atira

In my dreams this week I was told I need to spend more time giving thoughts to Atira. So despite my desire to rant about others, or the news, or absolutely dumb things our president has done this week, I’m going to focus on that.

Atira: my business, my community, my charity, my prayer.

Things I appreciate from my now that I want to keep in Atira:

My husband, kids and pets.

A sense of community and belonging: helping people find common ground and a desire to participate in life together- much like I did at the activities job.

Pretty yet comfortable, keep finding ways to accomplish comfortable and beautiful, and bonus if it can be done at low costs.

Healing: I do love being able to help people feel better, and now more than ever I feel like I’m able to do that in a wide variety of ways. My resident from last weekend told me she slept for 3 hours solid after I took her pain down with Reiki. I’m so glad I helped. So, I look forward to further expansion in those ways. Also, the acupuncture lady at the clinic introduced me to a European medical device called a Bemer. It produces a specific range of EMF frequencies that do wonders for the human body. It felt amazing and helped me release a rib, my pelvic cradle, and my jaw line. I could totally see having several treatment rooms for people to utilize such a device in a format like tanning salons use. They’re 7grand a pop, but if we had multiple rooms, they’d pay for themselves in no time, especially since treatments run 8 to 20 minutes. Yet another wonderful idea to add to the clinic of Atira.

I enjoy having a variety of activities and some time to myself. It allows for art, music, mediation, and self-care, all of which are vital for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

I enjoy getting paid to do things I find enjoyable and/or relaxing.

I enjoy seeing well tended gardens and beautiful flowers, and though I like the activity of gardening, I know there are far better gardeners than I am. I would love to help create Atira’s gardens, but I’m perfectly fine letting others maximize it’s beauty.

I love hiking and would definitely enjoy doing more of that.

I love that I’m accessing subtle energies more easily, and that it is helping me with Reiki treatments, and also that I’m starting to channel in different ways. I look forward to experiencing the complexities of that and the growth it will bring. I’m very appreciative that the Divine is giving me messages through these subtle channels and I look forward to ever greater clarity.

I love that I feel God and my Divine Masculine, and hope that I’m doing the right thing when I write about my experiences.

I love that I’m rebuilding my credit, all on my own, while still being sole provider for our family. I look forward to being able to take the next step and buy a house. I love financial abundance and independence, and the freedom that comes with it.

I am doing better and moving forward. I enjoyed my vacation immensely and look forward to another in the future. For now, I am keeping my promise to God and doing my best to move forward toward Atira and share the love with those people and elements in my life that align with Atira.

I love being in nature, especially the quiet that it brings. I love that Katherine slept clear through every night we spent in the woods of Maine. I aim to create that environment in the now so that she can sleep through the night again. For the last 2 years nights have been interrupted consistently. I look forward to re-experiencing the peace and contentment of full night’s sleep, every night. I look forward to Katherine feeling so safe, protected, and comfortable that she finds the rest she had in Maine.

In fact, the vacation did us all good, even Ian found his way back to his more calm self. I look forward to everyone in my family feeling better and having peace and contentment.

Side note: “Beyond This Moment” by Patrick O’Hearn is playing … That and “Christophorie’s Dream” are such beautiful pieces to me. I feel them to my soul, they are peaceful.

I love seeing my family happy and joyful. I love feeling loved. I am strong, yet love having those supported moments of weakness where I know all will be ok. I am healthy. I am intelligent. I am capable. I can handle most anything, and learn what I need to, to keep forward momentum. My soul is beautiful.

I love having access to other healing modalities (clinic) and many options for resources such as healing herbs and foods. Currently I’m grateful for Sprouts, Natural Grocers, and Whole Foods, but I look forward to Atira’s Market to fine tune the product availability.

—————-

I foresee another post as I didn’t get around to words for things I’m not currently experiencing. I wish to recall elements of my past I appreciated, and things I feel are in future solutions. Perhaps I’ll do 2 more posts as time permits for those words.

Finally, the picture I chose is my hand. My mom told me on our trip that when she was a teenager a man hired her to work the register at a small shop, he had said he hired her because she had the M on her hand, and that meant she was honest. I have the M too, and noticed my brother that we visited also did. I guess honesty runs in our family. May you all find your moments of validation of your own worthiness.

May you all have time to appreciate what’s in front of you and to care for yourself. May you all have moments of fine tuning, and may you all water your dream seeds.

Siva Hir Su

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

Victory and insights.

So the victory is my midwife is paid in full!!!! Yay! Happy dance and squeals of delight.

I even have a little bit saved for the trip to Acadia National Park in Maine the end of July. At this rate I think I’ll have enough to make the trip. It might be tight, but I can’t say no to free lodging, a beautiful experience, and visiting family I’ve not seen in nearly a decade.

That is wonderful relief.

On an entirely different topic, the insights came yesterday at a mandatory meeting our building had with the President and Vice President of our company. I have to say meeting them was far more comfortable than daily working tends to be. Everyone around me was running around stressing and I just wasn’t. I don’t know why in particular but it felt very comfortable and I even had a good albeit short conversation with the President.

He seems like a genuinely good guy, and the biggest take away from the meeting was that the owners are also good people.

It led to a long conversation with our pastor afterwards. We discussed how a company gets to where they have such genuinely good goals and set out to do good deeds, but end up having staffing and budget issues as I’ve seen. How the low people on the totem essentially still boil down to numbers. And how those ideals fail to carry through to all of the individuals in the organization.

It helped me gain some more clarity on my goals of Atira. The pastor used the phrasing that perhaps a company gets too large to fully understand all of the individual workings and really know it’s people. That the connections that express a person’s value are lost. That sentiment reinforced prior ideas I’d had that Atira should be a singular community. It could spawn franchisee opportunities or literally just help people learn how to start their own communities, but I really don’t want a company of mine to grow so large that the company itself begins to lose sight of it’s intent.

I want Atira to stay manageable so that I know for sure it is helping people both within and outside of it’s structure. I want to know that if all the individuals understand that, the better it functions and the more they can make happen in their lives and in the lives of others.

For instance: I know I want to give homeless people second chances by putting them to work- training and all, but I also acknowledge that minimum wage being just over $7 is highly unrealistic with the inflation we’ve had the last 20 years. I want Atira to be able to sustain realistic living wages for all of it’s staff members, and those with experience and drive do deserve to earn more.

Yet, I acknowledge that in order for there to be profits to divert for other charitable uses, there does have to be positive flow of goods and services being exchanged for properly set fees.

It is definitely a tricky balancing act, and one that though I now can see my employer aimed for, either did not reach or was unable to maintain. I want Atira to reach and maintain it.

Beyond that, yesterday’s conversations and interactions solidified that I have done very well for myself with much less effort than some. I pointed out to the President that I had only ever paid for two boxes of business cards and never did pamphlets or other costly marketing.

I left Facebook nonsense out of that conversation knowing that I had already gotten their attention over that. However, in talking to the pastor I did revisit it. Explaining that I have yet to see any benefit from Facebook, also knowing over 2 dozen people that have tried to use it for marketing. Most of those, myself included had far too negative cost-benefit imbalances in Facebook marketing. Offering up hundreds of free services or visits to get a pittance of mediocre to decent client base. It simply just never netted the good reliable clients that massage therapists, chiropractors, and other care providers survive by.

I count myself fortunate to have seen that pattern and ducked out before giving away too many hours of my life, my work, and my hands, to those that are ungratefully taking advantage of the freebie.

That is not to say I never give away services. In fact to this day I still do. However, I’m much more discerning in my free work. I give to those that truly value it, but otherwise might not be able to afford it. I also give away a fair number of massages to veterans, even those that can afford it. That is where I choose to give, and when someone shows their gratitude in the best way they know or have available, I’m more likely to give them repeat free services. I have one veteran that I bill for about every 4th massage, knowing he’s on a tight budget but that he sings my praises nearly daily. So essentially I do my best to catch him weekly and bill just one a month. That is my avenue for flowing charity for God. It is what I can do right now, so I do.

And besides, not dealing with Facebook took a huge stress off of me. No longer having to consider finding or creating good stock photography, and reducing my concerns of protecting people’s information and privacy. As a sole proprietor HIPAA is a potentially life threatening costly mistake waiting to happen, so I’m glad I stepped away from Facebook when I did.

Anyway, I’m utterly grateful for the whole lot, midwife being paid, meeting upper management, learning more about the company, and especially both the conversation with the President and our pastor.

Another thank you to the Divine for providing more clarity in my days and helping to continually redefine and become more specific with my desires and goals. I truly look forward to brighter days ahead.

Something’s screwy here.

That’s a mannerism of Abraham Hicks that seems to fit today.

The other side seems to have quite the sense of humor, especially with me.

After following a ProCircuit Inc truck for what seemed like forever, messages started flowing again. I had to exclaim into thin air “Haha Ohm equals Om” after finally remembering the Greek letter omega on the Pro Circuit truck is used in electronics as a symbol for ohms. Their logo also includes a depiction of a wave, & I took that in combination with the other messages to validate I’d tripped into the higher vibration Abraham always talks about. I had found the right wavelength so to speak.

The interesting part is that it was accidental on this day, but Abraham stresses meditation is the key to finding it on purpose…. That’s the reason the ohm symbol was important. I have again slacked on my meditation practice.

Thanks baby, I love you, but I do need my time.

It also made me confess that I’m great at focusing when I am at least partly in control of my environment, but suck at it when there’s chaos beyond my control.

Yet, I do love the feeling I get when I’m in the zone. Warm and fuzzy all over, a-buzz with good feelings. Abraham stresses too that acknowledgement of that helps bring more if it, but it’s still a conscious decision to practice focusing on it. I need to work on that focus part, especially since I lose the feeling so easily at times.

Regardless, the messages were a little bit clearer after that moment. Seeing 9-until and exclaiming “Until what?” to then see D-wil and L-Luckly. I know something good is inbound, and yet again I’m excited without knowing exactly what for. It’s a good thing.

For now I cross my fingers that the birth is paid for by an entity other than me. Especially since I spent so much figuring out thyroid stuff. Labs confirmed I have a decent dosage on my desiccated thyroid medicine figured out. Could be a smidgen better, but it’ll do for now. What was of most concern is that labs also confirmed suspicions about my allergies and thyroid connection. I technically fall into Hashimotos with such high levels of antibodies, but have never been labeled as such by a doctor. Mainly because I figured out everything on my own and this is the first time labs even checked antibody levels.

What bothers me most is that even with 3rd trimester adjustments and being 98% faithful to that diet since birth, my antibody levels are still scary high. So, I’m realizing I need to be even more strict to get my body to stop attacking itself. That is vital to everything else in my body functioning properly.

So one more puzzle to figure out. This time I feel like the divine is guiding me to the answer, & I’m the one going kicking & screaming because I’ll have to say goodbye to my last few food pleasures.

I was already familiar with the Autoimmune Paleao diet, having tried it once before. Yet, it seems I’m going to have to try again. Here’s a chart found at this site that shows what the diet avoids:

Classically, some of those foods have been OK for me. Nuts, seeds, eggs, and some beans have usually been fine and not given me any symptoms. At least any physical symptoms that I could notice. Yet with my antibodies so high I’m obviously still reacting to things.

So perhaps it’s time to get ultra serious and really stick to AIP. I foresee having juices and pea-protein shakes (even though peas are AIP discouraged it’ll be the safest option for me & my history) to try & keep calories up to accommodate breastfeeding. It’s also a really good thing that avocado is okay, because I forsee it being my only real access to fats beyond meat. I’m so sick of being such an excessive meat eater right now that avocado sounds wonderful. How many ways can you eat avocados? Not sure right now, but I know I’ll find out. Perhaps I should just get several plants, because I’ll otherwise spend a small fortune buying them in fresh produce. Hmm. The possibilities.

I suppose for having gotten “bad lab results” I’m in a decent mood. That’s a good thing. It’ll help when I get around to figuring out what the hell I can eat. & on that note, I wish for all of you readers to enjoy what you eat and still have optimum health.

New love grows, yet old love remains…

I’m not a poet, but sometimes standard prose doesn’t fit my feelings. This is one such occasion….

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you, go on

-Celine Dion

Poseidon’s trident pierced my heart, and somehow I-

humanly, perfectly, imperfectly-

emerged as Aphrodite’s visage.

Life moves on, and new phases emerge.

I know not why,

not how,

only that it is as it should be,

everything will indeed be alright.

Family grows,

and new love flows,

Wonderful, radiant, feminine.

Time flies,

and I merely try

to simply keep up.

Not only for new love found,

but the new life growing within.

Family’s needs are great,

and I’m just one.

One to do my best,

Strive and persevere,

help and support,

with all my love,

For all of those that I love.

Even those

that this

time and space

hold out of reach.

Time moves on.

Memories, dreams,

hopes, goals, and desires,

never forgotten.

The brain remembers all-

Where matters

of heart

be concerned,

Fills time

where

life

breathes.

The inner fires

still burn bright

Even when daylight dwindles

And time escapes.

Solace found

In inner voice

In knowing

In that special connection.

If I never find solution

In this

Time and space

I will hold tight

My connection from afar.

I cherish it-

Special,

Unique,

Warm,

Invisible embrace.

I wish that for everyone.

I do feel,

Do see,

Every night,

Desires and longing

Mine and not mine.

And support them.

All is as it should be.

Answers will come.

If we allow.

Regardless, there is love,

Always love.

‘Tis human to err

And our humanity is our greatest asset

Love your flaws,

They are uniquely you.

I am learning

Slowly

Just that.

Even my faults

Make me who I am

Ultimately creating a better self.

So I love me,

and you,

and all of my family.

Chosen and given.

Even those who choose

Silence

Or difference

Or separation.

Love is the only thing I have to give.

And give I will.

As much as possible,

And every moment

that my brain remembers

That my brain fills.

All day,

Everyday,

Until death do I part.

Love with all my heart.

Wishes and Dreams

Today the work theater presents “The Greatest Showman”. I’m only 15min into my resident-sitting-movie-gig, and it’s a reminder of the threads that have kept me going. My wishes and dreams.

It seems that my wishes and dreams may be working their way into reality. That reversie card I wrote about, may be finally at play.  It seems the messages from the divine (or simply the other side) are getting louder.

The last week brought messages from my friend’s late uncle about her grandfather’s ill health. He worked very hard to warn her using me as the middle woman. It took days to figure out because I knew they were messages, but it wasn’t until I started showing her pictures of the messages that she put the pieces together. She’d sent me a copy of a picture of the uncle to show me who was communicating, and later in the evening his picture (on my phone) opened itself right as she was being informed grandpa was being taken to the ER.  It was eerie, but fascinating validation. Luckily by morning she learned that grandpa had a very treatable temporary setback. He’d be okay.

That was in the midst of finishing my portion of my taxes to get them turned into my accountant. I really hope she’s able to work the same magic as years before, because between baby and moving we’ll really need a decent return.

Speaking of moving, that’s part of the reversie card. 

We never did find an adequate yet affordable home. However, my friend (Hannah) with the talkative deceased uncle, has offered their home, and to simply split the existing costs. 

We’ve been friends for several years, but lately we’ve discovered how intensely we share goals, hopes, dreams, skills, preferences, and even health challenges. We grok each other, an understanding on a deeper level. We’ve gotten very close, and I feel like she’s family in my heart. So, when they offered their home, and even to help make necessary adjustments to accommodate us, I couldn’t say no. I feel like it’s an honor to have her support and love. I can’t see the full puzzle being put together yet, but definitely feel like she’s a very important piece, and one I’m glad to call family. I definitely feel my heart blossoming and growing with more love for a greater family than I could have imagined. 

I’ve shared with her my thoughts on all my previous messages and including the picture with the elephant figurines and the happenings with the boy, and she is in agreement. She agrees that he’ll eventually return and I just need patience and to keep my hopes and dreams alive. 

What’s more is what she’s found in helping prep for our full move in. She’s found her bulbs of the ‘Lily of India’-5 of them, she’d already planned on planting them, but they’d already begun to sprout in the cellar storage. 

Then there was the elephants her grandmother played with as a child. She knew they existed, but as she was sorting belongings she found them, 5 to be exact.

It gives me goose bumps and spine shivers every time another sign like that shows itself. It’s validation that I’m not crazy and that at least some things I see are indeed messages. I look forward to seeing the full manifestation of all of these divine signposts. To that end I keep repeating “my miracle is on its way, just keep believing”.

It was one such moment that I realized the car in front of me had a plate that said “4SHIV”. I snapped a picture and sent it to Nathan and Hannah to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. (I’d put it here, but I don’t have their permission and the photo would give away their state which could jeopardize their personal information.) Regardless, both Nathan and Hannah validated it very much said what I thought, and we all had an OMG’s moment. I pointed out, there was enough characters for the A on the end of Shiva. I was left with a strong sense it had to be for me because the shortened version isn’t commonly used here.

 It was very much a perfect alignment of astronomical odds that I know was a message for me from the divine. For that I am forever grateful. It’s those seemingly small kernels that mean massive amounts to me and help me get through this chaotic time of 3rd trimester diet craziness, moving, working an insane amount, squeezing in taxes, and then doing my best to have at least a few minutes of quality time with my kids before falling over from fatigue each night. It will all be worth it when my growing family is using our miracle to build Atira.

I very much look forward to that. Those will be wonderful days.

Lost in the Game…

That was the most suitable title I could come up with for this post. My week has been a bumper car, jumbled roller coaster, kind of week.

For starters, today marks my 19th straight day of work. I have 8 more days of work to go, finally getting the 6th of February off.  That will mark 27 straight days of work. I haven’t touched my taxes, I need to invoice for this month, and all I want to do is sleep. I’ve mostly hung in though, just going along for the ride.

My few moments that didn’t go so well included: 

1) Battlingsins“: Christians usually want  to condemn polyamory as being sinful because it breaks the implied monogamy rule resulting from the one comandmemt discussed repeatedly in the Bible about adultery, (Genesis, Proverbs, and 23 other locations I’m aware of). However, it should be noted that adultery is an extramarital affair involving lies and deceit, where one person makes all the decisions, often hurting another (usually a husband cheating causing hurt for his wife), and thus taking on sin. My personal belief is its the lieing deceit and resulting hurt that is the cause of the sin.

Polyamory, however, is based upon openness, honesty, and full disclosure to everyone. Families practicing polyamory not only go out of their way to avoid hurts, but when mistakes happen (as us humans always do), the family communicates and does their best to make amends for errors. Forgiveness, communication, and love are vital in maintaining a poly family.

So, then after having that pointed discussion with myself, ending with how can anything based upon love (lots of overwhelming love) be considered sin; I find myself standing in a resident room trying to give a shoulder massage while I was not only shocked and horrified, but my baby was too.

 The resident had one of those crime shows on, a new one, and they were searching for someone that was abducting people. The last person abducted was a pregnant lady ready to give birth, and the cops figure out the criminal was stealing a family, at which point the show flashed to one woman standing over a pregnant woman with a knife, starting to cut the baby out of her belly.

I reacted to the horror with a gasp, the baby reacted violently, kicking me so hard I nearly doubled over in pain. I excused myself immediately and spent the rest of the day apologizing to the baby for having seen that. I kept wishing I could erase the memory that kept playing in my brain, and started repeating “we are safe, god is protecting us, and it was just someone else’s fucked up idea of entertainment”. I couldn’t understand how anyone could find something that gruesome and horrifying to be entertaining. To me that was far more sinful than wanting to love people as family.

 Later that evening after ranting at Nathan about it, he gave me a massage with lots of Reiki which took the bulk of the trauma out of the experience and soothed me and baby into genuinely feeling safe again.

2) Co-worker noncompliance: after many long days of working, I started to hit my wall of tired yesterday. I was pushing through, but every time I saw the aids they were standing around yapping. I was exhausted, but still moving, still doing my job. They weren’t. It really pissed me off, and I ended up venting to 2 other co-workers; one is the lady I have know for years, and she is the building assistant manager. I’m hoping that my infrequent ventings like that are my saving grace and that it isn’t held against me.

3) Unrequited love: still being hung up on the boy has been a reoccurring theme, but the last reason for my not so stellar moments. I spent Wednesday morning crying over him, which my son picked up on and it fueled his argumentativeness with his sister. I argued back and yelled some, then cried some more. I’ve neglected others in my sadness, and spent way too much time in my head. I want to let go, but I’m struggling to do so. My only reprieves are sleep, mantras/spiritual-music, and art. Those are the moments I manage to quiet my mind and release my woes. I then give thanks and conceed that I’m trusting the divine to know what’s best and to work out the details. One such moment was answered by 472ELA which my brain read as “for god to know how” (7 representing divine especially 7 being Shiva in hebrew, and Ela being Telugu for how). I said a quick thank you for the message and just sent a request for more understanding. I simply wish to know why I fell in love with a wonderful someone from half way around the world, who BTW found me, and then to have it just stop and go nowhere. There has to be a reason, and I just can’t figure it out. One day maybe. For now my quest to let go and move on continues.

My days haven’t all been tough though. 

Loves from my husband and kids. 

Acknowledgement of love for my friend and her boys, that if I ever find a good solution they are welcome in my family and home, and I’m already doing my best to be supportive of her current challenges as well.  Sometimes I just wish there were more of me to go around, that or more time.

I’ve had several commutes filled with glorious sunshine this week and I relished every moment of them. 

And financially we’re hanging in. No worse than before, and I’ve managed to cling to enough money to eventually get moved and buy beds. I’ve spent lots of time thinking about how nice it’ll be to have real beds, running water, and a well insulated home again.

With that in mind, our home search is still miserable. Everything is either too expensive for me to consistantly afford, or they are dives that once would have been called slum housing, and even those are expensive for what I’m used to. We looked at a 3 bedroom 2 bath house that was $900 a month plus utilities: there was black mold, broken fencing, really really crappy cheap linoleum in the kitchen that would have torn easily (which I’m sure would have been billed to tennant to replace), ceiling patched with cardboard, and a broken floor air return vent. It was simply no good for the money they were asking. I can’t do that to my family again, so we keep looking, expanding our desired radius from my work each time. 

I just don’t know what to do on that one, but my dear friend has offered her home as a backup for baby birth. I explained not being able to leave for 10 days to avoid the vitamin K injection and she’s totally cool with it, even working out how to get us private bedroom space for that time period. I’m so very appreciative of her, and glad that we have her in our lives. I hope that I can repay her kindness, and keep wishing I could build my giant dome in Colorado for them to have their own rooms. Maybe it’s on its way.

For now:

 I keep trucking, wishing I’d either hear from the boy or have that final hurtful go-away-conversation that would really, really suck, but would force me to give up. Yet I lean toward clinging to hope. Hope that finances will improve, hope that at the same time I’ll have fewer hours to work, hope that a dome home is becoming increasingly possible, hope that my miracle is inbound, and hope that my dreams might possibly become real, hope that I will have a big loving family of/by choice where everyone wants to be there and things just work well together.

Doing my best to focus on and visualize that as much as possible. It hasn’t drowned out all the sadness and woes, but it has helped keep me from sinking in the quick sand of life.

May all of you find your life preservers of thought.

Must keep dreaming!

Since I have nothing positive to say about my current reality, I’m going to ostrich. Or is it put my head in the clouds? Either way, I’m sure as heck doing everything I can to pretend reality doesn’t exist for as long as it takes to write this. Maybe a while longer.

My grand dreams, even though they still seem so far out of reach, I know they are worthwhile.

I dream of a big spacious dome home, indestructible and energy efficient, safe and comfortable for my big chosen extended family. Next to a dome greenhouse big enough to feed us year round, and even have some leftover to share with those that need it.

That big family, I’ve been unable to stop contemplating since the boy and the possibility of his wife entered my awareness nearly 2 years ago. It doesn’t help that the universe is feeding those thoughts with thousands of references to him and related things, which I know mean something, just not what.

For instance this picture:

I encountered this at one of the Sprouts stores we frequent. The elephants were a broken incence holder, I’m assuming an employee arranged them with the other elements, but I never did ask. I only knew it was synchronicity which I knew meant something for me. The panda, I associate with Anya. The dragon, I associate with my fire baby Ian. That’s 2 of 4 little objects, plus 5 larger elephants. I can’t help but turn that into 5 adults and 4 children, it’s just what my brain wants to do, and I have to be honest, it’s a very happy making thought for me.

Where I get lost in “what if’s” is in the vagueness. I see 2 amorphous kids (the pebbles) and knowing now that I’m pregnant with just one, I’m wondering where the other is. I then think there are 5 elephants while the 2 are still pebbles. Where are the other 3 adults that show up before my current baby is no longer amorphous? The only ones I would accept as family that quickly, seem to have made it clear to me it’s not really a possibility. But that takes a step back in reality. So I’ll dream that things suddenly  change and those I love are suddenly not just available, but willing to take a polyamorous leap with me and Nathan. Maybe that’s what the green reversie card means.

I would love to have that family: 5 adults, 4 kids, in a big comfy dome home, each with their own room. It’d be even more wonderful to have that dome home in Colorado or Oregon or Washington- near mountains, and with enough resources to start building Atira. Now that’s a happy dream.

I dream of lots of things that make me happy. Equality, acceptance, love, peace, and most of all happiness. They are all ideals, but ones I’d  love to see physically manifested in my life. Yet, the key to that is healing my brain. Also another wonderful  dream, and one that actually is in reach. I’m getting there, just not there yet, and I’ve got no idea how much  longer it’ll take. One day maybe soon. It’s nice to think that my brain will work right all the time and I’ll really find happiness.

Circling around to family in domes building Atira; I think how wonderful it would be to have kids learning and growing in nature, yet with the resources to acknowledge it’s a comfortable choice. Reminding them it’s not forced out of necessity, that they could do anything else they wanted. A perfect blending of modern comforts and natural world relaxation. That would be nice too.

I want my kids to know they could have anything, but learn to say I don’t need it.  I think it’s the lesson I’ve been chasing all my life, because I was raised to believe everything I really wanted was just out of reach. Perhaps I’ll really learn it when I’ve healed my brain.

I want my kids to play, and have fun, and still learn the basics for getting through life. Something that’s completely attainable with enough loving attention. 

Beyond that there are thousands of tiny dreams. Like, hopefully having a pond with a canoe and paddle boat,  wanting a small playground/swing-set like many families do. Wanting a hot-tub and nice pool ( although as I’ve said before I know the pool is a pure luxury and fairly low on my list). It’d be nice to have a couple of riding horses (I know Anya would love it). I’d  love to have bunks in the kid’s rooms so they can have friends over regularly. I do want my kids, and family in general to be technologically literate so more than one good computer would be helpful.

 Oh, there so many more, but those seem like the important ones. I have ideas about furniture and storage/organizational space, my ideal kitchen (which other than needing to accommodate lots of people, is otherwise fairly normal), things I’d like to have for ambiance and relaxation, and ideals for cleanliness and upkeep.

The trick here though is convincing myself that these are tangible possibilities, and not just the proverbial wet-dream. I really hope all the visions I’ve had, all the clues I see, are real. That the divine really is doing its best to help me heal and find my way to these dreams. I hesitate in believing not because of a lack of faith, I’ve experienced enough to know, I’ve felt the divine in action. No, I hesitate out of a fear that my brain is now playing different tricks on me, and it’s all false, and eventually I’ll realize all of that, and feel hurt again. My fear is the reason my faith falters, but knowledge is power.

 So now, when I realize I’m feeling that fear, I tell myself the inner truths I do know & believe. My hope is that it is enough for now, that it will get me through and over this hump. That perhaps it’ll help push my cart  over the hill and toward much, much better days. Sending love to those I miss, and hoping for brighter days.