Tag Archives: emotions

Is the bar is too high for you?

I’m sorry, but the bar has already been set by two people in my life, not to mention all of my life experience. You, half heartedly trying, just don’t seem to be able to reach it, it is obvious you think you can if you wanted to.

The bar is set by all these moments in my memory that showed genuine caring. You have not demonstrated any of them yet, if you are hesitating, it’s about to be too long. If you are holding back in fear of hurts, it will only lead to that. If you want love with me it has to be shown. My life taught me love by the way it feels, that’s what I’m looking for, and I am seeking only more of that.

Those moments, here’s a few to contemplate:

  • Fixing my drinks and food taking time to acknowledge all of the things I’ve learned about my body, so the nutrition comes without any nasty side effects.
  • The kind of caring that I could feel the energetic ripple of hurt and anguish when we both watched the semi-truck attack in France via Reddit.
  • Caring where we can sit for hours and talk not just about the weather and current events; but goals, hopes, dreams, and deeply held beliefs, and make plans, action steps, to accomplish some of them.
  • Acknowledgement that we do share an energetic connection both in good and bad, and of course the good arousal that comes with that. The deeper experience, not relying on mere good looks and physical attraction, and willingness to ride through the downs to enjoy spectacular ups.
  • The feel of comforting gestures of true concern, the caresses and embraces.
  • Taking time to find not just one, but many shared goals and dreams, a multiplicity of common ground, and the ensuing conversations of the many ways those could play out together in a shared experience.
  • A desire to love and be loved, shown through a myriad of small things that ultimately amounts to a desire to please me often just because you care.
  • Words of encouragement offered when I am down, but more a helping hand when you could otherwise easily opt out, and especially when you have a really good reason not to (Nathan helping at his pace, as he is able, instead of playing the ‘weak-heart card’ to get out of everything.)
  • A strong desire to have family with me and contribute to the growth of another human being with potential to help this world. A shared goal of being good parents and role models regardless of the massive amount of work and responsibility that entails. Even further, helping me when I have moments of failure in regards to that goal.
  • Moments where I am the lucky recipient of expressions of love, a desire to be with me, a desire to know everything about me, desires to have, hold, and support me and our connection. I rarely have to ask for those, and usually when I do, I’m the one having a weak moment where I can’t reach even recent memories of them.
  • The excitement of just getting to spend time with one, just the thought of getting to talk to one. Looking forward to togetherness.
  • The comfort of knowing I’m not alone.
  • The warmth of deep long hugs.
  • The smell of bouquets of flowers, healthy yummy foods, warm chocolate, and clean body next to mine.
  • The knowing that my support is received at some level of consequence, some sacrifice, that I’m honored in a moment over something else you wanted, I was the winner of your choice. My response will be eventually figuring out a way to reward you with both me and the thing you could have done. And knowing that my acknowledgement of that is reciprocated in like.
  • Holding my hand or other moments of affection, not afraid of demonstrating your love for me, because acceptance doesn’t deter your love.
  • Sharing moments of expressions of what we find beautiful in each other. Words do often matter because they are expressions of our feelings. Knowing we feel each other’s emotions, is given vivid highlights when those feelings find words on lips and in ears. The focus of the same vibration in two bodies, on 2 mouths, in 4 ears is wonderful. It becomes an amplification that welcomes more. [Side note: I bet that same amplification worked in group setting. Why do people pick sides and argue instead of finding common ground and expressions of caring?]
  • Helping me, or encouraging me, to keep my puzzle together or fix things when I lapse. That shows that you care about my well being. Sometimes being human means messing up and its effects are reduced when another shows that care. Life happens, no one is perfect, but being there for another makes it better.
  • Understanding when words fail. Words on ears can amplify good vibrations, but sometimes lips can’t find the right words. Being able to understand and respond to, what’s failing to be expressed, is immensely important. When joy is so great that silence calls and tears fall in everyone’s eyes the experience is still shared and amplified. When grief chokes a throat and tears fall, but are met with a gentle shoulder and hug, the grief is lessened. Those moments are our divinity gracing our lives. Those are our connection.
  • To feel another and know another on a level which others find disbelief, is a gift that everyone in this world deserves, but few rarely find, and even fewer can express to the hopeful.

I love deeply and soulfully, and I seek the same. All are still welcome in my life, as we associate with many people in many ways in our lifetimes. However, if love with me is desired, one has to allow that soulful connection to blossom. I prefer to look at blossoms. I prefer to hold blossoms. I may be occasionally easily distracted and frequently too busy to stop and smell the roses, but when I do they get my undivided attention for as long as I can spare (and sometimes I just want to be buried in all the roses).

Love’s Repercussions

For about 2 weeks now I’ve been battling despite being super excited about finally having a home. I am very appreciative of those of you that have hung in with me and shown support. Sometimes that makes all the difference in the world.

On one hand, we’re on the last step of buying a nice home. Not lavish, in fact very average, but far nicer and far better maintained than any of our rentals the last decade. I’m so excited for hardwood floors and a fireplace, extra bathrooms, and enough space to accommodate a home office for me. I could not have done it without one friend’s advice and God’s guidance. I am so humbly appreciative for everything that has led to this moment. When I called my mom to tell her I’d finally made enough improvement to do that, I had trouble containing my emotions, and I could hear in her voice the same reaction. It was a moment I’ll never forget because I thought I had failed so horribly I’d never see that day. Yet it’s coming. In 10 days, barring any last minute hiccups, we’ll have our home.

Yet I know it’s the first step of many to truly, fully correct for the last decade. The books I’ve read lately are pointing me towards other steps to take. Eventually, one day, hopefully I’ll have mastered this flow called money and taught my children the same. I look forward to that.

The struggle side, as I mentioned in the last couple of posts, has in part been induced by food allergies kicking my butt. Yet, inherently I know that’s not all of it. There have been a few too many moments where out of the blue, I’m sucker punched by emotions when I was already climbing up the emotional scale, or had consistently been up for a while.

I suspect that a couple of the moments are induced by memories of holiday seasons in my past, triggered by that dreaded question “are the kiddies excited for Santa?”. There have been more than a few holiday seasons that we barely celebrated anything because we had nothing. Gifts given to children were charity handouts, and decorations from Dollar Tree or thrift store seconds. I remember one gimpy tree, missing a foot, held us through 3 Christmas seasons. 3 other years we went trapsing through woods to cut our own fresh, but free, tree.

So this year, when asked that question, I feel the momentary hit in the gut because we have no decorations or gifts at the moment, but for an entirely different reason. For the first time ever, the answer is we’re going to celebrate late because we’re moving. Once we move the first thing up will be decorations, and second will be a gift shopping trip, so that my children will associate this move with happy times and create a good memory for their lifetime. This year may seem like many past, but really it’s not.

Yet, that has only been responsible for a couple of emotional backslides.

There have been several that I simply know their source. My heartache tells me the source. It seems that I continue to allow others to hurt me through energetic connections. It’s been hard enough for me to move on from having fallen in love and felt the pang of rejection, but now these moments seem to rub it in. I know there’s at least two, probably 3 or 4, that are dumping energetic junk on me and my family. I suspect they aren’t even aware they’re doing it.

So last night I reached up and found anger. I violently cut cords, swearing up a storm, and telling the senders to eff off. The change was instantaneous. My husband was impressed. My little Ian nearly found himself and then started backsliding. I took him from the dinner table and found cords I’d missed and one that had come back immediately. I visualized smashing it to pieces and crushing the bits. I lit the cords on fire with the Violet Flame, and asked it follow the cords like wicks and burn all negativity in it’s path. I called Archangel Michael to protect us and sever any I missed. Then I preceded to snuggle my little Ian tightly and shower us both with love.

My scorched heart may have let them in, but their rejection solidified how much I love those that are in my daily life. I told Ian I will always do anything in my power to protect him and I love him so much. We cuddled for nearly 2 hours and when he started to drift to sleep we readied him for bed.

I know those on the other end likely felt my wrath. Maybe they’ll get their act together. Maybe not. Either way, I’ll be dammed if my heartache ruins this holiday season. I will cut cords hourly if needed, and it’s encouragement to do just a bit better finding willpower to overcome Food Allergy Addictions. I’m going to do everything I can to let this year be different, to keep this holiday season joyous.

May you all have joyous holiday seasons full of love. May you see your progress and be able to reach for even better.

Siva Hir Su

Basilone of The Pacific

She knew.

She at least had comfort

in confirmation and support.

She knew.

His fate, or was it choice.

His glory, or some would say strength.

His love, it was all for love.

She was left with his gift.

Even after birth

She carried it until her dieing day.

I know…

Or think I know.

I have no confirmation.

I may never.

I can hope.

My support: God and Nathan.

It was choice, but of what I’m not sure.

None will say, the truth perhaps forever hidden.

My gift is visible yet invisible.

None would ever believe it anyway.

My feelings real.

It was love. It is love.

The torch will burn silently.

God gave me her message,

I must choose differently.

Fate is merely choices.

One after another in an endless parade.

Some simply can’t be undone.

I choose to believe

there will be another.

I choose to believe

I will heal.

Love is infinite.

There are others-

technology has bridged the chasm

that once caused impressions

of rare gems.

What once took a lifetime

Can now take mere moments.

If all else fails

I’ll see on the rainbow bridge

The truth is out there

The truth always surfaces somehow

For now

I love

myself

My Nathan

My God

I hope, all is not lost.

I will continue my wander.

God will show the way.