Tag Archives: emotions

Mortality

I hide it well but am grieving. I have not lost anyone in a permanent way yet.

Part of my grief is my learning lessons from my trip to Connecticut. Knowing I don’t fit with my family, that I’m too different from them. I am grieving that my hopes were wasted, that even though they are my own genetic and learned behavior stew, I have grown too much to fit with them. I have learned to respect myself enough to just walk away instead of trying to win them over or make them hear me. But it sucks to walk away from family, especially when I really do love them.

It doesn’t help that I know: my father is actively dieing, my mom wants to be and is ignoring things that most would suggest to get checked out, and my brother is loosing his health because what doctors said to do didn’t work since the root cause was never addressed. That is 3 of my family members that may not be alive many more days, months, or years.

So I’m acknowledging that I don’t fit and I’m choosing to respect myself enough to refuse to subject myself to their disapproval anymore, but it is likely something that may soon be irreversible. It’s extra hard to make that choice.

I just know I deserve better and must do my best to keep growing and healing. Anything that hinders that must be released.

That knowing has me thinking about a lot of things in my life. All the people I care about and care for, and how some of it weighs me down and causes physical pain for me because I let them into my Energetic awareness enough. It’s hard to carry all of that all the time, and my most successful meditations recently have been ones where I manage to let go of all of it for a while. It is all dragging me down when I’m fighting tooth and nail to climb up.

It makes me want to run quite frequently, but then I acknowledge that my sensitivities will travel with me. Physical distance does nothing to solve a problem based in Energetic awareness. Yet I am not aware of the solution for my situation, or even anyone that has gone through this particular variation.

How do you fix something there are no answers for?

There is not a solution for Epstein Barr. There is no solution for Covid long-haulers. There is no solution to knowing you are likely to loose a large portion of your family in a relatively short span of time. There is no solution to being the black sheep of the family. There is no solution to fix it all.

Or is there?

Meditation is the closest I have found, and I am no monk. I hope that all my hopes are founded, and that my meditations really are enough to let the solutions and healing in.

So, I distance myself, I let go of others and grieve, and then I meditate.

Sometimes the grief takes longer than others, and it frequently repeats. The only solution for the grief is all the other solutions appearing or simple just giving myself enough time. It is a process all its own.

Bare with me if I don’t make sense. Forgive me for ramblings. Forgive me for stupid posts where I’m just sharing the one bright spot I found. I’m doing all the things to bail my boat and survive.

May you find your way through grief. May you never be tortured by a knowing of impending death. May you know you are loved and accepted just as you are by biological and chosen family. May you manage to always respect yourself first. May you have all the solutions you seek. Above all may you know the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, not just when you’re happy, even when you’re grieving, angry, frustrated or drunk (all of those emotions apply to me just today).

Om Shanti

Tristesse

Heaviness
Burning
Aching from deep
Not deep
Penetrating
Radiating
A conversation
Sans words
Feeling
All and none
Emotions blurred
Saddness outweighs
Thick and heavy
A denseness permeates
Heart and throat
But somehow
Love stays alive
Turbulent waters
Threaten drowning
No life preserver
No hands to grasp
No boat to board
Aching and burning
Unseen conflict
But somehow
Love Is felt
Love Stays alive
~Treasa Cailleach

Abbreviated NLP

After last night’s purge, I still feel raw emotionally, but somehow the other memories have seemed to become more distant all on their own.

There’s memories of my brother and I being told we were fat and lazy and good for nothing. Memories of being told that my brother and I would never amount to anything. A strong memory where I was being bullied at school and my father’s response to my mom was that I was just being a whiney bitch and needed to suck it up.

Memories of discussions about puberty not being on time, mom’s concern was there was something wrong medically, and dad said that I was just too fat and just needed to loose weight. At that time I was maybe only 30 or 40 pounds over average weight and it was a huge blow to my confidence. That really started the I’m fat and ugly self hate. Little did they know I had already dealt with the molestation 5 years prior and had begun to internalize that experience. The emotional damage from all of it, if dealt with then, could have healed and I might have lost that 30 pounds and found normal. As it is, dad’s comments and the lack of true assistance compounded matters and I spiraled into thyroid dysfunction that took another 15 years to even properly diagnose. Add another 6 years of my journey aiming to find real healing, and that takes you to my now, not perfect but better than 6 years ago.

All of these memories reflect my biggest fear: that of being like my father. I have had just enough moments that were similar to my father, that I am scared shitless of ending up like him and traumatizing my children. It is pushing me to do better, try harder, work on myself even more and use all the tools to manage my emotions better.

My NLP message to myself is:

You are a beautiful woman on an incredibly hard journey. I am sorry that you wanted love from others when they simply could not do that, and in fact they could only see the worst response possible. They are off the hook. They will eventually have to take responsibility for their actions, but that is no bearing on your beautiful spirit. I love you. You are worth love, kindness, and respect.

You are amazing. You are strong, far stronger than many women or men. You are healthy and you are finding your way to healing. You will stop this karmic cycle because you can see the problem and have already found some solutions. You are not stopping an empty Prius on dry roads that can stop on a dime. No, you are stopping a karmic freight train, fully loaded with intense emotional baggage, on rails covered in God’s tears. It is going to take a while but can be done. You will do it.

You will master your emotions and find true whole body and whole spirit healing, and you will show your children how to do it too. You are far kinder than your father could even try to be. Your few mistakes are just that and everyone forgives genuine mistakes, so I forgive you too. You are worth respect, you are worth being heard and understood. You have found so many solutions all on your own, that you are winning the war. You and your connection to the divine is all it takes, that is what is guiding you through this journey. You are your own Joan of Arc, and that is the biggest blessing of all.

No one can do this journey for you, and you are the only one that chose this journey. Before even being born you wanted this extremely difficult challenge because you felt you could handle it and come out the other side a far better person. So far, you are accurate. This journey has made you stronger, kinder, more compassionate, more caring. You give people assistance even when they have not earned it or made any action to right their own wrongs. You see the deeper spirit of others and want so much for them to find their way to better. You want them to reconnect and be better. You want to help God even when they don’t want to help themselves.

Your strength is not just mental and emotional, it is physical too. You have taken many steps to better yourself and you are doing it. You are healing your body. Soon people will look at you in disbelief, because what they will see is a person so beautiful it will be hard to believe you ever lived through any of that. You will simply radiate health and love and compassion. The Mother Teresa of your childhood that helped so many, is within you and slowly working it’s way to the surface. You can and will do it. God is rooting for you.

You have protected your family in so many ways, but even more you protected your brothers growing up when you were just a little girl. Simply by being you, carrying the light of innocence, you prevented worse things you didn’t even know about. Your determination to be a better person led you to protect your husband and his daughter when life went wrong. You even aimed to protect your father from himself and the medical system he failed to prepare for, you want and still do want him to have whatever he wants. You have done so much for your little world that you deserve good things. Let God give you the good in life. I love you and you deserve so much more.

You are loved. You have a kind and loving husband and God is now felt even when wading through other’s difficult muck. Your kids forgive you for your mistakes, they love you too. You are doing great and the love you already have is enough, but there will eventually be even more.

You deserve to have nice things, and it does not make or break other people if you do. You can have things you want and if someone else gets upset over it, it is their own internal problem. You have done so much and overcome so many things that you deserve every reward that you desire. You are a good person and good people deserve to have nice things and go fun places. Good people deserve to travel and see and learn and experience it all. You have every right to have a wonderful life and full health. You deserve happiness and joy in all aspects of your life. Let God show you the way and know you are loved more than any one person could ever manage. I love you.


May you see your traumas dissapate and even disappear. May you see your full worth. May you love and respect yourself in your entirety. May you release others from any of that responsibility. May you know that God supports you and wants better for you. May you find a way to allow all the good to flow into your life. May you know you are loved wholley and completely.

Siva Hir Su