Tag Archives: emotions

Love’s Repercussions

For about 2 weeks now I’ve been battling despite being super excited about finally having a home. I am very appreciative of those of you that have hung in with me and shown support. Sometimes that makes all the difference in the world.

On one hand, we’re on the last step of buying a nice home. Not lavish, in fact very average, but far nicer and far better maintained than any of our rentals the last decade. I’m so excited for hardwood floors and a fireplace, extra bathrooms, and enough space to accommodate a home office for me. I could not have done it without one friend’s advice and God’s guidance. I am so humbly appreciative for everything that has led to this moment. When I called my mom to tell her I’d finally made enough improvement to do that, I had trouble containing my emotions, and I could hear in her voice the same reaction. It was a moment I’ll never forget because I thought I had failed so horribly I’d never see that day. Yet it’s coming. In 10 days, barring any last minute hiccups, we’ll have our home.

Yet I know it’s the first step of many to truly, fully correct for the last decade. The books I’ve read lately are pointing me towards other steps to take. Eventually, one day, hopefully I’ll have mastered this flow called money and taught my children the same. I look forward to that.

The struggle side, as I mentioned in the last couple of posts, has in part been induced by food allergies kicking my butt. Yet, inherently I know that’s not all of it. There have been a few too many moments where out of the blue, I’m sucker punched by emotions when I was already climbing up the emotional scale, or had consistently been up for a while.

I suspect that a couple of the moments are induced by memories of holiday seasons in my past, triggered by that dreaded question “are the kiddies excited for Santa?”. There have been more than a few holiday seasons that we barely celebrated anything because we had nothing. Gifts given to children were charity handouts, and decorations from Dollar Tree or thrift store seconds. I remember one gimpy tree, missing a foot, held us through 3 Christmas seasons. 3 other years we went trapsing through woods to cut our own fresh, but free, tree.

So this year, when asked that question, I feel the momentary hit in the gut because we have no decorations or gifts at the moment, but for an entirely different reason. For the first time ever, the answer is we’re going to celebrate late because we’re moving. Once we move the first thing up will be decorations, and second will be a gift shopping trip, so that my children will associate this move with happy times and create a good memory for their lifetime. This year may seem like many past, but really it’s not.

Yet, that has only been responsible for a couple of emotional backslides.

There have been several that I simply know their source. My heartache tells me the source. It seems that I continue to allow others to hurt me through energetic connections. It’s been hard enough for me to move on from having fallen in love and felt the pang of rejection, but now these moments seem to rub it in. I know there’s at least two, probably 3 or 4, that are dumping energetic junk on me and my family. I suspect they aren’t even aware they’re doing it.

So last night I reached up and found anger. I violently cut cords, swearing up a storm, and telling the senders to eff off. The change was instantaneous. My husband was impressed. My little Ian nearly found himself and then started backsliding. I took him from the dinner table and found cords I’d missed and one that had come back immediately. I visualized smashing it to pieces and crushing the bits. I lit the cords on fire with the Violet Flame, and asked it follow the cords like wicks and burn all negativity in it’s path. I called Archangel Michael to protect us and sever any I missed. Then I preceded to snuggle my little Ian tightly and shower us both with love.

My scorched heart may have let them in, but their rejection solidified how much I love those that are in my daily life. I told Ian I will always do anything in my power to protect him and I love him so much. We cuddled for nearly 2 hours and when he started to drift to sleep we readied him for bed.

I know those on the other end likely felt my wrath. Maybe they’ll get their act together. Maybe not. Either way, I’ll be dammed if my heartache ruins this holiday season. I will cut cords hourly if needed, and it’s encouragement to do just a bit better finding willpower to overcome Food Allergy Addictions. I’m going to do everything I can to let this year be different, to keep this holiday season joyous.

May you all have joyous holiday seasons full of love. May you see your progress and be able to reach for even better.

Siva Hir Su

Basilone of The Pacific

She knew.

She at least had comfort

in confirmation and support.

She knew.

His fate, or was it choice.

His glory, or some would say strength.

His love, it was all for love.

She was left with his gift.

Even after birth

She carried it until her dieing day.

I know…

Or think I know.

I have no confirmation.

I may never.

I can hope.

My support: God and Nathan.

It was choice, but of what I’m not sure.

None will say, the truth perhaps forever hidden.

My gift is visible yet invisible.

None would ever believe it anyway.

My feelings real.

It was love. It is love.

The torch will burn silently.

God gave me her message,

I must choose differently.

Fate is merely choices.

One after another in an endless parade.

Some simply can’t be undone.

I choose to believe

there will be another.

I choose to believe

I will heal.

Love is infinite.

There are others-

technology has bridged the chasm

that once caused impressions

of rare gems.

What once took a lifetime

Can now take mere moments.

If all else fails

I’ll see on the rainbow bridge

The truth is out there

The truth always surfaces somehow

For now

I love

myself

My Nathan

My God

I hope, all is not lost.

I will continue my wander.

God will show the way.

Letting it be.

As “Let It Be” by the Beatles followed a couple of Crystal Method tracks on my shuffle list, I couldn’t help but acknowledge I needed to let it be and stop second guessing myself.

I may have gotten the wrong person, or maybe not. That I still don’t know. However, I have picked yesterday afternoon apart from the Law of Attraction and emotional response standpoint.

Feeling like an idiot, feeling like I said the wrong thing, feeling like I had everything wrong… those all carry negative emotions. Negative emotions are indicative of incorrect thoughts, thoughts misaligning with the vibrational truth, God’s truth.

So my feelings of myself yesterday afternoon were telling me that what I got was somehow accurate. Perhaps I put them to the wrong person, or my timing was off, but what I felt was very much accurate. When I acknowledge that, I feel much better.

So what did I feel then?

At the moment it hit, I was sitting at the front desk giving the concierge a break. I had just been socializing with a resident about the chief’s game moments earlier and thus had sent texts to a friend about the game. They had lost and though I’m no sports fan, I thought it appropriate to offer up an ‘I noticed’ sentiment to the friend that is into sports.

The wave that hit was as follows:

  • Root chakra flare up like arousal.
  • Slight apprehension or fear, some kind of resistant hesitation.
  • My 3rd eye and whole forehead lit up, which for me always feels like an intense tingly heat sensation that starts between my eyes and spreads.
  • I flushed/blushed all the way out to my ears and down to my chest.
  • My right shoulder felt pressure in the front and the vibration I used to associate with my Indian person.
  • I felt a slight heaviness on top of my shoulders… somewhat like when you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.
  • My right upper abdomen felt tingly like a gentle touch just below my breast.
  • There was excitement like getting good news.
  • Then I felt more apprehension, this time stronger.

At that point, being where I was and doing what I was, I literally began repeatedly saying ‘what the fuck’ mentally as an reaction to not knowing what to do with this wave hitting me.

That was when I started seeing the one person’s face mentally and thinking it must be about them I texted asking.

As they asked me what I was taking about, and I began to explain, I got a very similar second wave.

The second wave did not include the arousal, but had way more of the anxious/fear/aprehension sensations. The second wave was so intense, I literally muttered “what the fuck” a couple of times under my breath.

Despite these things being part of who I am, and fairly regular occurrences, when they are really intense and hit at inopportune moments, I simply get overwhelmed with how to handle it. It’s not like I can go hug a tree or pick up a rock to help ground it out, and the phisoloigical effects do cause embarrassment when I’m in a very obvious position like manning a front desk.

The what the fuck moment is usually because I’d like to be hiding, but I’m anything but that.

So then pile on top of that, the denial, and my resulting self-doubt and self-berating and you get a fairly crappy emotional spiral.

It has literally taken all night and all morning to pull up. Dozens of prayers to help disconnect from whatever those waves were, and literally having to pick it apart from the Abraham Hicks view-point.

At this point I’m certain that what I got and my feeling description is accurate. I’m not sure if the who was accurate, and at the very least my biggest faux pax was probably in timing. As in: if the who is accurate, then saying something about it right then was bad timing and freaked them out because they weren’t ready to hear it. As shitty as the result was, coming to this conclusion has helped me reconcile things.

However, it also reinforces that I’m going to reserve such information for myself only, that is unless I get intensely nagged by the other side. I really don’t need unnecessary rejections, and already know that most people can’t handle the full truth of me. No need to make that worse.

May you know your truth and find the deeper meaning behind emotional knee jerk reactions. May others accept you fully, and may you appreciate yourself. May your intuitive information pan out to always be helpful.

Siva Hir Su