Tag Archives: epiphanies

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Victory and insights.

So the victory is my midwife is paid in full!!!! Yay! Happy dance and squeals of delight.

I even have a little bit saved for the trip to Acadia National Park in Maine the end of July. At this rate I think I’ll have enough to make the trip. It might be tight, but I can’t say no to free lodging, a beautiful experience, and visiting family I’ve not seen in nearly a decade.

That is wonderful relief.

On an entirely different topic, the insights came yesterday at a mandatory meeting our building had with the President and Vice President of our company. I have to say meeting them was far more comfortable than daily working tends to be. Everyone around me was running around stressing and I just wasn’t. I don’t know why in particular but it felt very comfortable and I even had a good albeit short conversation with the President.

He seems like a genuinely good guy, and the biggest take away from the meeting was that the owners are also good people.

It led to a long conversation with our pastor afterwards. We discussed how a company gets to where they have such genuinely good goals and set out to do good deeds, but end up having staffing and budget issues as I’ve seen. How the low people on the totem essentially still boil down to numbers. And how those ideals fail to carry through to all of the individuals in the organization.

It helped me gain some more clarity on my goals of Atira. The pastor used the phrasing that perhaps a company gets too large to fully understand all of the individual workings and really know it’s people. That the connections that express a person’s value are lost. That sentiment reinforced prior ideas I’d had that Atira should be a singular community. It could spawn franchisee opportunities or literally just help people learn how to start their own communities, but I really don’t want a company of mine to grow so large that the company itself begins to lose sight of it’s intent.

I want Atira to stay manageable so that I know for sure it is helping people both within and outside of it’s structure. I want to know that if all the individuals understand that, the better it functions and the more they can make happen in their lives and in the lives of others.

For instance: I know I want to give homeless people second chances by putting them to work- training and all, but I also acknowledge that minimum wage being just over $7 is highly unrealistic with the inflation we’ve had the last 20 years. I want Atira to be able to sustain realistic living wages for all of it’s staff members, and those with experience and drive do deserve to earn more.

Yet, I acknowledge that in order for there to be profits to divert for other charitable uses, there does have to be positive flow of goods and services being exchanged for properly set fees.

It is definitely a tricky balancing act, and one that though I now can see my employer aimed for, either did not reach or was unable to maintain. I want Atira to reach and maintain it.

Beyond that, yesterday’s conversations and interactions solidified that I have done very well for myself with much less effort than some. I pointed out to the President that I had only ever paid for two boxes of business cards and never did pamphlets or other costly marketing.

I left Facebook nonsense out of that conversation knowing that I had already gotten their attention over that. However, in talking to the pastor I did revisit it. Explaining that I have yet to see any benefit from Facebook, also knowing over 2 dozen people that have tried to use it for marketing. Most of those, myself included had far too negative cost-benefit imbalances in Facebook marketing. Offering up hundreds of free services or visits to get a pittance of mediocre to decent client base. It simply just never netted the good reliable clients that massage therapists, chiropractors, and other care providers survive by.

I count myself fortunate to have seen that pattern and ducked out before giving away too many hours of my life, my work, and my hands, to those that are ungratefully taking advantage of the freebie.

That is not to say I never give away services. In fact to this day I still do. However, I’m much more discerning in my free work. I give to those that truly value it, but otherwise might not be able to afford it. I also give away a fair number of massages to veterans, even those that can afford it. That is where I choose to give, and when someone shows their gratitude in the best way they know or have available, I’m more likely to give them repeat free services. I have one veteran that I bill for about every 4th massage, knowing he’s on a tight budget but that he sings my praises nearly daily. So essentially I do my best to catch him weekly and bill just one a month. That is my avenue for flowing charity for God. It is what I can do right now, so I do.

And besides, not dealing with Facebook took a huge stress off of me. No longer having to consider finding or creating good stock photography, and reducing my concerns of protecting people’s information and privacy. As a sole proprietor HIPAA is a potentially life threatening costly mistake waiting to happen, so I’m glad I stepped away from Facebook when I did.

Anyway, I’m utterly grateful for the whole lot, midwife being paid, meeting upper management, learning more about the company, and especially both the conversation with the President and our pastor.

Another thank you to the Divine for providing more clarity in my days and helping to continually redefine and become more specific with my desires and goals. I truly look forward to brighter days ahead.

Hogwash & fiddlesticks, I want to feel good.

So my last post was pure livid anger, and for good reason. But as I’m learning, that Shit is how I spent 20+ years stuck in a depression loop. So damn it, I want to feel good.

That means I must look for what I like, for things I want, for improvement, for solutions, and for love.

It’s hard to do that when you’re so pissed off.

I’m discovering it’s even hard when you’re simply in constant motion. I’m essentially back to work 7 days a week, and when I get confirmation on hours from the building I do activities for, I’ll probably have a total of 3 days off in September. I make it work, and make the best of it, but transition has been difficult for my mental puzzle again. The result has been that I was gifted 2 illnesses (1 digestive, 1 head cold) from my family, since my vibration has been all over the place. I swear I’ve been sick more since thanksgiving than I had been the previous 5 years, and the only thing that’s changed is my intense desire and efforts to produce more income and higher vibration.

It leaves me acknowledging that my negative lapses are manifesting fairly immediately, and being that they’re small and manageable is a fairly good sign. It means that my positive efforts are building steam, which I already knew from the increase in hours and income, but I suppose validation from both sides of the equation is a good thing, a helpful measure so to speak.

So, my 2 ended train is finally moving in the direction I want, albeit slowly. But if I have learned well enough, it means I just need to keep at it to get some good momentum going.

More practice; practice makes perfect.

That’s a sentiment I’ve proven to myself many times over, especially with music and art.

So, since I’m already tired, super draggy, and stuffy headed, having trouble focusing, I thought I better write since it forces me to focus.

This week (or 2?) started with good validations. At one point I had an epiphany (very personal about my childhood “imaginary” friend) I simply asked mentally that if my thoughts were accurate to show me a green & purple dragon (thinking of the puff the magic dragon song). The next day at work there was a bouquet of green and purple flowers that were placed such as to remind me of a scaly dragon head. They were in a residents’ room and she was reading a “song of Solomon” about where someone’s love had gone. I knew it was my validation instantly and nearly cried telling her she was my message from god. Yet since that day I’ve seen nearly a dozen more green and purple dragons.

One of the last ones: I was drawn to stop at a favorite store of mine, but didn’t know why, seeing as I didn’t have any extra cash available for spending fun. While there I thanked the owner for support she gave years ago when Nathan was ill, she said she needed that, and I knew that was part of my visit, but something else was nagging me. I browsed a bit and ultimately discovered my message:

A Shiva statue priced with my birth year, and my dragon request on a singular box of incense. Next to 2 other incense boxes that were one of a kind. I know because it was such an intense set that I looked through the whole wall of incense to see if someone had just misplaced them. No, no matches were to be found, they were the last ones available.

I simply could not resist and bought the incense, knowing I’ll ultimately have to go back for the statue at some point soon. Resistance is futile. You don’t say no to the universe, but it’ll have to wait until payday.

The point of all of this is, I’m definitely getting messages, and they all feel really good. I like that. I love being validated and feeling supported. My only hiccup is in understanding. As in, I only asked for one dragon, and the first was good enough for me. So why then, give me a dozen more, one of which was the exact thought I had- a green & purple- puff the magic dragon?

Does the quantity and repetition equal someone screaming “yes!” from the other side? And if so, I’d think it would start manifesting, like now. I’m going to tell myself that’s the case and see how things unfold.

I have been feeling intense anticipation for some while now, but have difficulty maintaining focus on just that. It makes me all jittery, and ultimately I end up getting distracted by daily interactions. Yet, I suppose that’s the practice makes perfect element.

So, I think about what I want, and possible ways it could happen, and I do my best to make sense of other messages I see. Like I still want to end up in Colorado with a big dome full of people that love me enough to commit to being family. I know who I’d like that to include, but right now I still don’t have any idea how, and I’m doing my best to ignore roadblocks and deadlines in the way of that. I keep reminding myself that the divine can ultimately solve everything in proper timing, even if 60 days seems like a tight squeeze to me, and there’s probably a dozen options I can’t even fathom.

I think of all the other close calls I’ve had and how everything always worked out. God has my back and always keeps me safe. Usually I’m the one that gets in my own way of that, and this time I intend to be a cooperative element helping things flow smoothly.

To that end I even let myself go down a small ego-trip road with how lucky I am to have multiple people that care about me. People that care and help more than my own blood realitives (exception being my parents). It helps me see my good. I thought about my strengths and good qualities, and admitted that even my weaknesses could be worse. I appreciated myself a bit and acknowledged there’s a reason others care. I like knowing that, it helps me see how to love myself. I am a good person and I will get to do great things for this world yet. Of that I’m certain. I know that I must hang in and keep practicing this, and even if I have a few more muggle based action steps to enable myself to practice allowing, at some point soon I will get good at manifesting exactly what I want.

When I do- watch out, because I could end up being the next Oprah/Ellen. Not saying I want to be on TV, I really don’t, I just like how they inspire others and help so many people. Yeah, I want that part, and can totally skip the being on TV.

So this ended up being rambly and all over the place, probably due to that being sick difficulty focusing thing. I apologize for that, but I’m glad you hung in there with me. If I can climb out of decades of depression, and overcome livid anger in a few days, you can too. May we all make a better world by starting with ourselves. A single drop creates ripples in the whole lake.

Bhagavad Gita meets Abraham

So, if you’ve read my blog, you may be aware I’ve come in contact with many things that most Midwestern American young white women would have no clue of their existence.

Partly this was due to my own inner knowing early on, that my parents religious path left much to be desired for me personally. Also it was partly due to a very unique set of individuals I met growing up.

In middle school I had friends of several different Christian faiths that allowed me to visit their churches. What I discovered was that I didn’t really mesh with any of the churches completely.

By highschool, I had read books on Zen Buddhism, Taoism, other eastern paths, and had learned quite a bit about my ancient ancestors which were most likely druids.

I had one friend that moved into the same small school I did, within months of my moving in. That friend introduced me to Wicca and reading her books, I knew it was headed the right direction. Another friend lived there her whole life, but her parents’ home was the regional Buddhist temple and I was fortunate to meet the Lama on one of his visits to Iowa. It was a very special afternoon, one I still remember vividly because I felt very clearly when something said resonated and when it didn’t.

Then by sophomore year I’d read “Siddhartha” and “Iliad and Oddessy” as part of my academic endeavors. I&O for a lit class and Siddhartha for academic decathlon. Both instructors guiding the readings commented that I seemed to get much more out of either story than most ‘kids my age’. They were right, much of both stories resonated deeply, but there were still gaps in what I was searching for.

We lived near Maharishi University, and many people in the Iowa city area followed their teachings, so my next stop was to see what I might glean from their teachings. I discovered meditation and had learned basics of many Hindu concepts. That seemed to fill many of the gaps I felt. In an effort to know more, I read more. That was my first reading of the Bhagavad Gita.

I’ve begun rereading the BG because it didn’t stick as well back then. However, in reading it for a second time, I’m now almost tempted to reread the others (time being the only hindrance).

What I’m discovering is that language barriers in translations probably hindered my understanding somewhat in the first reading. This time I’m understanding much more of what is being said and I’m amazed at how much of it overlaps with Abraham Hicks teachings. It makes me wonder if the same thing happened with “Siddhartha” and “Iliad & Oddessy” in particular.

I know both books’ translations were well respected versions, and I remember clearly some scenes being so enthralling for me that it was as if my brain turned them into movies .

For instance in “Siddhartha” there is an excerpt where the main character meditates by a stream and sees all the faces of his life experience, in the stream. It led him to the understanding of how we are all part of one greater energy stream. When I read that part of the story, it was as if I was sitting by the stream having that experience. It was vivid and real, and I fully and completely understood exactly what was being conveyed.

I was roughly 14 when I read that.

I was only a year or so older the first time I picked up the Bhagavad Gita. So if my new reading is so eye opening, with this text, I can’t imagine the response I’d have with another pass on Siddhartha.

For instance:

In the BG’s 4th chapter/book titled “The Way of Renunciation of Action in Knowledge” the 18th verse/line reads: “He who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction is intelligent among men, he is a yogi and a doer of all action.”

To me I hear a direct echo of Abraham talking about how uninspired physical action is useless and unproductive, but if one meditates and finds inspiration in meditation, then any action based upon that inspiration is bound to be successful. Abraham has said it many ways, but regardless of the words the meaning is the same. Inactive meditation followed by inspired action is the best and most effective, wisest use of our lives.

Who knew that there was so much overlap?!

Abraham probably did!

Heck somewhere in my mind it had to have registered. Yet, another thing Abraham is right about. If you’re not ready to receive the information, then no amount of exposure will line you up with it.

Just because I read the text years ago didn’t mean it registered, that’s why I even acknowledged a reread couldn’t hurt. I knew I’d missed things, and it just didn’t stick over time.

Now that I’ve heard the information from a western perspective, and accepted it’s applications in my life, it’s starting to sink in. That has led to seeing the missed variations that I’d already read years before.

For me this is merely validation that I’m on the right track. I’d already read it years ago, but over time I’ve been exposed to variations from throughout history, and it’s finally making sense. I’m finally understanding and seeing it working, and rereading one of the early examples causing a ‘seeing it for what it is’ realization.

It’s like hiking a path to the top of a crest and looking down the crest one way, and looking back down the path and connecting just how far you’ve come.

It feels good.

I think I’ll finish the Bhagavad Gita just to solidify for myself that I’ve gotten what I can out of it.

May you all have your AhHa moments this week and have that sense of accomplishment. It is good to feel that sense of ‘coming so far’ to know where you’ve been.

Get to the root…

So, this week I’ve been contemplating a lot. I’m missing my new friend, but also some of my old friends. I’m also still fixated on my desires a lot. I’m just attempting to glean some understanding without necessarily ruminating, so my brain has been jumping around a lot to avoid over thinking things and creating a negative loop. It’s amazing how strong my desire to make sense of things is.

To that end I find that I’ve been arguing with myself as to whether or not I’m making the divine messages up. Like: “Really, do you really think there is someone or something that is using license plates and bumper stickers to communicate!”; followed by: “but it’s just a little too coincidence”, and on and on.

Then as if they’re listening to my brain (because I’m not saying all of these things out loud), whomever is trying to communicate with me has taken to commandeering my email box. Things that I’ve subscribed to for years, and google has directed to my social folder for the entirety of that filing system, are now “randomly” showing up in my primary folder. This morning was emails on the topic of desire versus expectation. The subscriptions were: Abraham Hicks daily mail, Seeds 4 Life Blog, and Brittany Walkins an EFT weightloss guru. all 3 I’ve been long time subscribers to, and 90% of the time they end up in either my social or promotions folder. This morning all 3 were in my primary folder and all 3 were essentially saying the same thing. I’ll quote the Abraham and Seeds 4 Life ones here (Brittany’s was a v-log):

The Essence of My Every Desire Can Be Fulfilled… If your time-space reality has the wherewithal to inspire a desire within you, it is our absolute promise to you that your time-space reality has the ability to deliver, in full-manifested form, the reality of the desire it has inspired. Any and all desires can be fulfilled unless you are holding yourself out of alignment with your own desire. The feeling of competition or shortage, or limitation of resources, means you are out of alignment with your own desire.

Excerpted from the book, “The Vortex, Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships”

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

Upcoming Abraham Workshops:

Boston, MA – May 6    Stamford, CT – May 13    Buffal, NY- May 27

Desire Connects You With the Thing Desired and Expectation Draws It Into Your Life – Bob Proctor

by Johanna Rosberg

Desire is an incredibly strong and useful feeling. Whenever you think about your desires, it starts a connection within the universe. It puts you and your thoughts on the same frequency as what it is you desire; it creates an invisible wire between your energy and your desire’s energy.

That desire, and the invisible connection, is the start to getting the things you want in life. The next step is to plainly expect your desires and wishes to come true. You don’t need to understand how or why or when that will happen, you just need to expect it to happen.

To expect things to come true is the very key to actually getting them. It’s that expectation – that joyous sensation it creates within you – that keeps you on theRead more of this post

 

Now these 3 subscriptions are not my only subscriptions, they are just the only ones that got moved from essentially bulk mail to primary mail today. It is also not the only time it has happened. This has happened with other combinations of email subscriptions 3 other times this week. I find it interesting that the universe is literally emailing me using other people’s words. Every time the message is an answer to a question I had the day before.

So now I know that I need to move from desire to expecatation. Yet, I’m not entirely certain I know how to accomplish that. I know that yesterday after asking the question that this morning’s emails answered, I spent the day listening to EDM music to lift my mood up. It has worked, and I continue with that theme today. I need the energy of the music, on top of the positive messages that EDM usually carries. The mantras I normally listen to are very positive and helpful, but calming, sometimes too soothing. EDM makes me want to move, dance, jump. Very helpful, but I’m not certain it will accomplish moving into expectation!

So then I think about what am I to be expecting. Simply put- a miracle. Yet, it is much more complex than that. I am expecting many things to fall into place in just the right way so as to completely change my world.

In evaluating that I start to realize things, have epiphanies so to speak.

One such epiphany has to do with diet and weight. I’ve been analyzing what my body seems to be wanting. Essentially my body wants lots of nutrition and little calories or carbohydrate intake. I’ve been craving green drinks, alkaline water, minerals, and broccoli, things like that. And every time I consume something higher in calories or carbohydrates, it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and searching for more. Then it occurs to me, my early childhood likely resembled my current eating habits. My mom did much the same as I’ve had to do with little Ian. She was unable to breastfeed after a couple of months, and also had to return to work not long after I was born. I was left in the care of my dad and older brothers with formula as the feeding solution. I’m sure that my dad was mostly attentive, but at the time he was working a job and taking evening classes for his  engineering degree. So, mom took care of me afternoon and early evening, and dad did late evening and night, with the boys taking care of me in the mornings. I suspect that my brothers were less than attentive, and dad probably covered the basics. So early in my life I was definitely consuming essentially protein and vitamin shakes (that’s really what baby formula is), and that was likely mostly happening during probably a 6 hour block later in the day. Now, if someone had explained to me decades ago that: the pattern set in the first 6 months of my life, combined with what we know of how we are nutritionally evolutionarily designed, essentially equaled green drinks, protein and minerals, with few calories consumed in the afternoon- that would have been problem solved before it even started. I’d already be in ideal physical condition. Now that I’m finally figuring this formula out completely, I have literally decades of conditioning (and weight) that I’m having to overwrite/loose, combined with what government agencies and food producers have convinced everyone is correct- which is pretty much the opposite. That analogy I’ve used before of an alcoholic having to live in the liquor store, now gets more complex because the alcoholic now has to fight his brain and every customer telling him that there’s nothing wrong with a drink at every meal, and standing there trying to tell well meaning people “no drink thanks”. So, now I’m faced with fully knowing the battle, but now the battle is even harder. Not impossible, just really difficult. Seeing the problem and the key to the solution is 2/3rd’s of fixing the situation. All that is missing is appropriate action now, and every day.

Another epiphany that I faced yesterday, through tears, has to do with the homeless man I wrote about last. I realized that the reason I am so passionate about helping the homeless and other portions of our population that have been brushed aside, is because I feel like that person. I feel like I’ve been brushed aside over and over, sometimes by our government, sometimes by family, sometimes by those I thought were friends. I feel like I have done my level best, and yet at every turn to have been stonewalled, misguided, and lied to. I did everything I was supposed to. I aced high-school, did all the extracurriculars, volunteered; I was 13th out of 77 graduating seniors, in a school where everyone excelled if they tried, because there was plenty of help and resources to be had. I went to college and proceeded to do the same thing graduating in 4 years with Honors from a Big 10 School, despite transferring colleges twice. I continued to volunteer, was part of student organizations, continued to perform, and at one point carried 21 credit hours while working full time (just to ensure being done in 4).  Yet once school was over all bets were off. That’s where the happy showering of graces stopped. I entered the work force at the height of the housing bubble bursting. People were losing jobs left and right and I was trying to find my dream carrier. It just did not compute. I still managed to survive on less than desirable jobs, I fell in love with Nathan and supported him and beautiful Anya through a very messy and painful divorce. And shit just got worse and worse instead of better. I love them both immensely, but sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that finding love screwed me over in other ways.  I definitely didn’t get my house, picket fence, 2.5 kids, nice car, and a dog. Now, feeling like the 2nd chance that I’ve yet to find for myself, is so vital for everyone, that I want to make it a possibility for as many people as I can. When I do finally figure out my 2nd chance I will make certain that I can do that for others, even if it ends up being one at a time. I think it is my purpose in life. I’ve always had a desired to help people, it’s why I went back to school for massage therapy, this epiphany only solidifies that and gives it a more specific and intense direction.

The final epiphany is a very personal one. Polyamory- why does my brain gravitate to that? Simply put it helps balance that equation of love. I spent so many years hiding from bullies, running from the memory of the attempted molestation, feeling like my parents and siblings were distant at best, but more likely disappointed in me, that I need to feel more love. I know logically that searching for love outside of myself is hazardous, but the love I give myself seems to be inadequately filling an ever hungry giant gaping void that is like the alien plant from “Little Shop of Horrors”. I honestly wonder if I sat giving myself love all day every day, if I would ever fill that void, and that’s with feeling a connection to the divine. That’s why every relationship I’ve had was in a goal to feel more love. As I wrote before, the one situation before Nathan was so that I would be able to tell mere physical interaction from a loving interaction. It did help me to feel the difference. Then the goal was to find another of those. Every person I’ve been with since falling in love with Nathan, was for looking to find that feeling of love. Some of them I did but to a lesser degree, some of them just weren’t to be at all. Now that I suspect I’ve found another like Nathan I find that I’m oscillating between ecstatic over the possibility of feeling that loving connection in person twice over, and fear of having that possibility taken from me. Having faced disappointment so many times, the last thing I want is more of that. However, I know I am strong. I know I will survive regardless. I’ve kept myself from suicide enough times and pulled myself out of depression enough times to know that I will survive. I half believe that I’m nearly immortal and will probably live well into my 90’s if not past 100. I will survive, and regardless of how, one day my emotional void and love equation will balance.

Yet all of these epiphanies bring me back to this morning’s email messages. How do I get from desire: a well thought out, detailed desire, consisting of decades of input; to Expectation?

ex·pec·ta·tion (via Google)
ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
    “reality had not lived up to expectations”

 

Belief huh… So today’s goal after Invoicing… find a belief place that these things will come to pass.

That:

I will get my second chance.

I will get to help others find their second chance.

I will have the willpower to stick to my new dietary knowledge and heal my body.

I will be able to build beautiful Atira.

I will be able to give my good friends jobs should they want them, and even homes too.

I will have a loving supportive successful poly-family.

I will have a beautiful comfortable Monolithic Dome home with modern amenities and with minimal impact to the environment.

I will be able to give back: to society, to the world, to people, to mother earth, to those that have stood by me over the years.

I will have LOVE in Abundance and Abundance in all things.

Those statements feel good. To find belief in them I think I’ll spend the afternoon visualizing all the details. Since Ms. Brittany was one of the emails I’ll do some EFT to help overcome some of my negative beliefs and expectations.

Goal: Positive Expectation. Wish me luck.

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