Tag Archives: eternal guidance


So yesterday was a very interesting day full of discernment.

I had several moments where residents passed on messages for me from afar/spirit. It was not quite as intense as the couple of times in recent history which I already wrote about, but intense none the less. I would share them here, but one of the phrases that I received from the second resident to do so, makes me think I should refrain from sharing yesterday’s experiences for now. She is a resident that is severely affected by something along the lines of Lewy-Body, and most of the time I can barely understand her. Yesterday however, the message was loud and clear and makes me cautiously, yet excitedly, anticipate my nearer future. It was unclear if what was being conveyed would be before, during, or after our family trip, but I interpreted it to be a good thing regardless.

On that note, I’m not a good liar, it’s one of many reasons why I prefer honesty. I find that in situations where I am not supposed to talk about something I  just avoid full discussion and become evasive, often redirecting or changing the topic all together. So, this is as much as you get until I get further notice from either the divine or the person it was regarding. All in all, other than wishing to disclose my reason for excitement, I am just happy to have had a good day.

I felt my connection all day yesterday, to varying degrees, and whether it is my mystery person of the last several years or a divine connection I’ve come to refer to as “my ET”: I’m still not sure. I’m not so sure it isn’t the same thing, perhaps “my ET” simply used HAL to be a mystery person in my experience. Who knows; I don’t.  One day, perhaps after I die it will become clear. However, for now, I relish the connection, and I am utterly grateful for it, even when I find myself saying “WTF- what is happening?!” It is strong and mostly feels good to great, and affects my body in a number of ways which I occasionally have trouble describing with the English language. Of course sometimes the sensations would make anyone blush, so I’d just rather keep those descriptions to myself. Mostly I find it pleasurable, but occasionally I get a pit in my stomach or feel very anxious from it. At those times I am still grateful to have the experience, but often wish that particular aspect would subside quickly.

Anyway, yesterday was mostly good, and felt great, but in the evening I thought that I would have a drink with dinner- partly to celebrate the good day, and partly to mellow out and relax. I had a singular hard cider with 5% alcohol. I was very quickly sloshed, even to the point of slurring words and silliness, and afterward the fall off was anything but mellowing. It was more like jumping off the cliff and I got very tired and quite cranky. I apologized to myself, my family, and especially to the connection. It was far more intense of a response than I had intended with my one normal drink.

Further discernment came late in the night after having slept for a few hours I woke with intense gastro-intestinal cramping and nausea. I took some homeopathic medicine we usually give to Katherine for her allergy induced colic, went to the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. I woke this morning mostly back to normal.

My discernment here is that I have cleaned my system up so much that even a little of some things is too much for me. My phrase this morning is that I no longer find my enjoyment in foods and drinks. I am definitely coming to terms with my body desiring to only have enough healthy foods for sustenance, and that I really don’t need anything else.

The up side is that I am dropping weight again, I’m down almost 15 pounds in a little over 2 weeks. That causes me to do a happy dance because it is in direct contrast to the 50 pounds I had gained working the activities job the prior 9 months, and being surrounded by all the things my body was attempting to say no to.

My calorie intake has dropped significantly, not intentionally. I am still eating frequently, in fact more frequently than before. However, I’m just sticking to that handful of healthy foods that my body is okay with. Some days I feel like I am a fish because I find myself consuming other fishes, shrimp, and lots of green leafy things. If it were not for my nut and chicken intake I wouldn’t have anything to argue otherwise.

My nut intake increased intuitively based on a memory of information I had learned on Brazil nuts. So I am literally eating all the nuts except Walnuts (I had reacted to them strongly while pregnant so I’m assuming they are still off limits), and very few peanuts (though I have never reacted to them, they tend to carry high levels of environmental toxins). At the same time, my chicken/poultry/protein-shake intake has decreased, again based on an intuitive flash that I might be consuming more protein than I need.

So my intuition said, more nuts (especially Brazil), less protein, cut the chocolate (addiction), and eat more frequently. Then voila, I am suddenly shedding weight again. I love it when I listen to those flashes, and follow through and it works! That is the best kind of discernment.

So this now tea totaler, wishes you good days filled with intuitively helpful discernment. I also wish for you to have all the messages from the divine that you need and the ability to be honest and open in your life. Be the Change and Be Your Unique Self.

So Mote It Be; Siva Hir Su

A Brief Exposé


I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.


“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.


“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Hogwash & fiddlesticks, I want to feel good.

So my last post was pure livid anger, and for good reason. But as I’m learning, that Shit is how I spent 20+ years stuck in a depression loop. So damn it, I want to feel good.

That means I must look for what I like, for things I want, for improvement, for solutions, and for love.

It’s hard to do that when you’re so pissed off.

I’m discovering it’s even hard when you’re simply in constant motion. I’m essentially back to work 7 days a week, and when I get confirmation on hours from the building I do activities for, I’ll probably have a total of 3 days off in September. I make it work, and make the best of it, but transition has been difficult for my mental puzzle again. The result has been that I was gifted 2 illnesses (1 digestive, 1 head cold) from my family, since my vibration has been all over the place. I swear I’ve been sick more since thanksgiving than I had been the previous 5 years, and the only thing that’s changed is my intense desire and efforts to produce more income and higher vibration.

It leaves me acknowledging that my negative lapses are manifesting fairly immediately, and being that they’re small and manageable is a fairly good sign. It means that my positive efforts are building steam, which I already knew from the increase in hours and income, but I suppose validation from both sides of the equation is a good thing, a helpful measure so to speak.

So, my 2 ended train is finally moving in the direction I want, albeit slowly. But if I have learned well enough, it means I just need to keep at it to get some good momentum going.

More practice; practice makes perfect.

That’s a sentiment I’ve proven to myself many times over, especially with music and art.

So, since I’m already tired, super draggy, and stuffy headed, having trouble focusing, I thought I better write since it forces me to focus.

This week (or 2?) started with good validations. At one point I had an epiphany (very personal about my childhood “imaginary” friend) I simply asked mentally that if my thoughts were accurate to show me a green & purple dragon (thinking of the puff the magic dragon song). The next day at work there was a bouquet of green and purple flowers that were placed such as to remind me of a scaly dragon head. They were in a residents’ room and she was reading a “song of Solomon” about where someone’s love had gone. I knew it was my validation instantly and nearly cried telling her she was my message from god. Yet since that day I’ve seen nearly a dozen more green and purple dragons.

One of the last ones: I was drawn to stop at a favorite store of mine, but didn’t know why, seeing as I didn’t have any extra cash available for spending fun. While there I thanked the owner for support she gave years ago when Nathan was ill, she said she needed that, and I knew that was part of my visit, but something else was nagging me. I browsed a bit and ultimately discovered my message:

A Shiva statue priced with my birth year, and my dragon request on a singular box of incense. Next to 2 other incense boxes that were one of a kind. I know because it was such an intense set that I looked through the whole wall of incense to see if someone had just misplaced them. No, no matches were to be found, they were the last ones available.

I simply could not resist and bought the incense, knowing I’ll ultimately have to go back for the statue at some point soon. Resistance is futile. You don’t say no to the universe, but it’ll have to wait until payday.

The point of all of this is, I’m definitely getting messages, and they all feel really good. I like that. I love being validated and feeling supported. My only hiccup is in understanding. As in, I only asked for one dragon, and the first was good enough for me. So why then, give me a dozen more, one of which was the exact thought I had- a green & purple- puff the magic dragon?

Does the quantity and repetition equal someone screaming “yes!” from the other side? And if so, I’d think it would start manifesting, like now. I’m going to tell myself that’s the case and see how things unfold.

I have been feeling intense anticipation for some while now, but have difficulty maintaining focus on just that. It makes me all jittery, and ultimately I end up getting distracted by daily interactions. Yet, I suppose that’s the practice makes perfect element.

So, I think about what I want, and possible ways it could happen, and I do my best to make sense of other messages I see. Like I still want to end up in Colorado with a big dome full of people that love me enough to commit to being family. I know who I’d like that to include, but right now I still don’t have any idea how, and I’m doing my best to ignore roadblocks and deadlines in the way of that. I keep reminding myself that the divine can ultimately solve everything in proper timing, even if 60 days seems like a tight squeeze to me, and there’s probably a dozen options I can’t even fathom.

I think of all the other close calls I’ve had and how everything always worked out. God has my back and always keeps me safe. Usually I’m the one that gets in my own way of that, and this time I intend to be a cooperative element helping things flow smoothly.

To that end I even let myself go down a small ego-trip road with how lucky I am to have multiple people that care about me. People that care and help more than my own blood realitives (exception being my parents). It helps me see my good. I thought about my strengths and good qualities, and admitted that even my weaknesses could be worse. I appreciated myself a bit and acknowledged there’s a reason others care. I like knowing that, it helps me see how to love myself. I am a good person and I will get to do great things for this world yet. Of that I’m certain. I know that I must hang in and keep practicing this, and even if I have a few more muggle based action steps to enable myself to practice allowing, at some point soon I will get good at manifesting exactly what I want.

When I do- watch out, because I could end up being the next Oprah/Ellen. Not saying I want to be on TV, I really don’t, I just like how they inspire others and help so many people. Yeah, I want that part, and can totally skip the being on TV.

So this ended up being rambly and all over the place, probably due to that being sick difficulty focusing thing. I apologize for that, but I’m glad you hung in there with me. If I can climb out of decades of depression, and overcome livid anger in a few days, you can too. May we all make a better world by starting with ourselves. A single drop creates ripples in the whole lake.

Just Be.

I am where I am, and it’s ok.

I am where I am and it’s alright,  it has to be because it’s all I’ve got. 

(- Abraham Hicks)

 Just breathe.

It’ll all be ok. 

Abraham says: go with the flow and it’ll be over soon.  That’s good. That’s relief. 


Quiet, still. Just be.

Be me. Be with source. 

Be calm.  Patience is easier when I’m just being with my inner me.

Just breathe. 

Feel the difference.  That’s what matters: the feeling in my body.


I like relaxed. It feels good.  Warm, fuzzy, light,  airy. 

Soothing, yet strangely energizing. 

I don’t have to solve anything right now. There is plenty of time for that.  Besides, I couldn’t solve anything right now anyway.  This moment isn’t for that. This moment is for me.

This moment for me is about feeling better,  feeling good in fact.  I like that. So I Will… be, just be.

premisthunnanu ప్రేమిస్తున్నాను

Yesterday was a rough day. Heat got the better of me again,  that puzzle piece fell out & I got ugly again. Even with 3 portable air conditioning units,  the house was fairly unbearable. It was 97 degrees outside and about 85 inside. I don’t do well with prolonged heat. It’s why I know I’ll only ever be able to visit certain countries at best (some are on the no-go list purely because of extreme heat).

As I curled up in front of the one AC unit facing the sofa, desperately reaching  for a better feeling place,  that word kept repeating in my head.  I felt like someone was saying it to me and then I’d feel oh so very tired. 

I would doze off and wake to Ian getting into trouble because he was also bored and hot. I’d get angry and yell & then doze off again.  Every time I’d hear “premisthunnanu” repeated several times. I knew what it meant.  It was one of the phrases I’d learned, hoping to be able to tell that man one day:

Nenu mimalni premisthunnanu.

It means I love you.

I don’t know if my brain was trying  to pull up through a little self love,  or if someone was saying it to me. Though I suspect the latter (either way I know it was in an attempt to help me feel better). 

My reasoning:

1) Saturday we ate Indian food and while talking to Nathan I mentioned that the soup was the perfect amount of seasoning for me. Then “Aakupacha” kept repeating in my head.  I knew I’d learned that word,  but couldn’t for the life of me remember what it meant.  It took several minuets of wading through the language apps I’m using to find the translation. It was Cardamom. As soon as I told Nathan it stopped repeating in my head. 

2) Then there is Evan from massage school.  I haven’t heard from him since we graduated.  He was nice,  but at the time we didn’t have a lot in common.  Suddenly out of nowhere he sent a  message to me through the app I was using to talk to the other man. It uses completely different contact info than what Evan knew me to have.  Evan explained that his new phone just asked him if he wanted to add me when he installed the app. The next day my Nathan saw a plate that read S-Evan. We knew it was a message.  I started  another  conversation with Evan & discovered that we’re in similar “story lines” if you will.  I haven’t asked permission to repeat his story, so for here I’ll just say that he has a very christian version of some of my divine intervention experiences. I was amazed at how much in common some of the elements were. I don’t ‘fully grok’ the reason for the re-connection,  but I do see it was divinely influenced/directed. We both thanked the divine for the experience(s) and conversation. I hope to explore that connection more and hopefully gain greater insight. 

3) Sunday route, I spent driving in the dark listening to music as usual.  This time however,  I felt like someone kept giving me a hug from behind.  It felt very comforting,  very safe,  warm and wonderful.  At one point I asked who was there with me and seemed to get a muddled answer of several names, all of whom are deceased.  I looked up at the gorgeous moon and said “Thank You Lord Shiva” and got a very clear mental image of that divine aspect. Shortly thereafter I thought of the AWOL man & couldn’t stop thinking of him.  I felt some  sadness, but also much love. I clung to the love and spent the rest of route verbalizing things I love- Nathan,  things about Nathan,  the kids, cats, etc.

 It is clear to me that I’m getting divine messages. I would love to have more clarity on the meaning of them,  but I’m ever so grateful that I can see that I’m getting them at all.

I’m Focusing on the Law of Attraction  & Shivji a lot these days. It seems to be helping,  but I have yet to get solid consistency going.  I’m still back-sliding more than I’d like. 

Today I spent all day apologizing to the divine for having back-slid yesterday, and then an Abraham video pops up and the message is basically don’t beat up on yourself so much for going back to step 1. Step 1 being the contrast that causes desire for more.  The video reiterated to just keep reaching for better feelings and do your best to let go of the feelings about that contrast. Drop the oars and go with the flow of pure positive energy. 

They’ve got to know that’s easier said than done when the feelings are so intense as they were yesterday. 

I know the other side,  the eternal, are trying to help me. The messages are muddled but I know they’re trying to tell me something (or several things). I just feel like I  need more clarity, more understanding. And only more patience because of my lack of clarity. 

Today I made it through.  I’m tired,  but otherwise ok.  Never did find great feelings because the man keeps creeping into my thoughts, but I’ve stabilized from yesterday. I may be sad over that loss, but I do love him, and so I oscillate between the 2 emotions.  I’m doing my best to acknowledge that I liked everything he represented and that if it’s not right to have that particular man,  then the universe will provide an equal or better solution if I stay focused on his positive qualities. Again easier said than done,  especially in maintaining the feelings. 

 Finally, I may have to buy another AC unit yet just to get through the summer,  and my savings are dwindling quickly.  So much for tiny home plans. Plus,  Nathan is going to give up the daily route. His health backslid enough to acknowledge that it’s doing more harm than good. He wants to keep the Sunday only one for now, but did admit that his health is more important than a little work.  I thanked him for seeing that with enough time to correct. However, those acknowledgements didn’t help in trying to bring myself back up today. 

The upside is that I may have another senior center inbound which will make up for the lost income from the losses I’ve had this year. More work is a good thing until I figure out how to allow the miracle which will improve life overall. So I just keep on trucking, digging myself out again and again,  and doing my best to glue my puzzle together so that I can eliminate this conversation altogether.


One last note. I read a blog that upset me because it spoke of non-believers that supported LGBTQ, abortion, and assisted suicide. Essentially equating the 2. I want to point out that I’m both a believer and that person.

 I believe in the divine.  I have experienced the divine on several occasions,  and believe that I continue to do so. Just read my bogs to see that. 

Yet I am Bi-sexual, despite being born in/from a Christian family that hates LGBTQ, and has essentially written me off. It is why I want a poly family so much. 

Also, I  do believe that it’s a person’s choice to choose abortion or assisted suicide,  as much as it is my choice to fight depression and do everything I can overcome it. 

Do I agree with either?: I  don’t believe so, but it’s still their choice. Who knows if in just a particular set of circumstances that I might feel one of them would be necessary.  There are so many factors involved in those hot button issues (not the least of which is very real “true” health concerns) that I can’t honestly say that I would never succumb to them. I’d hope not,  but in certain situations they might be the lesser evil,  the path of least resistance.  So I’d hate to prevent another person from making that decision, and I’d like to believe that the divine understands that. 

And I’m going to quote Nathan here: 

If the divine is all knowing,  all seeing, doesn’t he already know all of that exists? Can you keep a secret from God? He knows us better than we know ourselves. God is all powerful,  the Shiva aspect is called the destroyer for a reason [biblical smiting inferred as well].  So why would LGBTQ even exist if God didn’t know about and approve of them.

Back to my opinion: 

We’re doing a good enough job killing each other with guns and bombs, and chemicals in our foods and vaccines.  The last thing “A Believer” should be doing is finding something else to fight over. 

To me a believer should exist in love and peace and work with fellow humans to improve this planet and help eliminate the need for things like abortion and assisted suicide. 

Imagine no one receiving a ‘3 months to live’ diagnosis,  no reason to contemplate whether futile painful treatments is worse or better than just letting go with a doctor’s help. No reason that a mother might be told that either she or the baby would die and having to pick between herself or her baby. 

Work on finding solutions, meet those people in person, and then tell me that it’s ok to equate them as non-believers and evil-doers. If you can’t exist in their heads even for the  length of a conversation, exist in their shoes for a day,  then you have no right to judge. The pain they’re in is already bad enough without your judgement.