Tag Archives: ever changing

In other news….

That picture is soooo not me, I don’t have a picture of me working out! Perhaps I should fix that!

Anyway, to start, my stress triggers recap: house hunt/purchase attempt(s), Equifax mumbo jumbo, mortgage application, frigid weather, sinus cold, my dad’s state of being, hormones, relationships/moving-on from pointless hopes, kids being kids…

Yeah: I think that’s most of the ones I’ve talked about of late.

Now add to that my brand new shiny computer had a glitch from a recent Microsoft update, and the resulting frustrations over not being able to work on my dome designs. I had really hoped to have a significant amount of that completed to show here by now, but alas it will have to wait until the glitch is resolved. I won’t have Sunday time to do that until after Thanksgiving, but I very much look forward to the results when I eventually do get to it.

I am slowly chipping away at the process to become a continuing education course provider. Currently I’m on the portfolio/curriculum vitae. It doesn’t seem on the surface that it would be a big deal, but organizing 15 years of applicable skills into the format they are seeking is a bit tedious. So that is not completely done yet either, and I haven’t even started writing my courses. I projected 6 months when I decided to commit, and like all cases, my estimate may or may not be entirely accurate, but I will eventually complete it. One step at a time, as my schedule allows.

Finally, because of all these stress triggers, I’m feeling the need to burn it off – quite literally!

Except when I’m smack dab in the middle of a stress-trip with a spice cake right in front of me, I have little to no appetite. I’m still eating, but finding it easier and easier to stick to healthy items in very small portions. That’s a great thing! Especially since I’m officially eating vegan now; no grains, no meat, no dairy, no soy, no nightshade vegetables; except that darned piece of cake!

Then, I have a strong desire to move nearly constantly. In between clients I am finding myself pacing quite a bit. I’ve also been taking every opportunity to go exercise. Being it’s been so much colder, nearly all of my workouts have moved inside. I’ve been alternating between the Planet Fitness across the street from work and the YMCA near home.

I have been lifting 2 to 3 times a week, except this week because my cold caused a missed day. I do use the dummy-proof machines since I’m not working with a trainer or spotter.

As for cardio, I am still getting at least 40 min of speed walking via treadmill 4 to 5 days a week, I aim for an hour when possible. I fluctuate between 3.8 and 4.2 mph on the treadmill because I so enjoy matching the beat of the music I’m listening to. This last week though, I’ve been working with incline more, to push the cardio aspect a bit. It’s that or run, and I really don’t enjoy running…. ¿Yet!? …. Will I ever?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my progress with my readers to show you really can do anything you want. For me, that just means a little of everything.

My current lifts are all weights based on 3 to 5 sets of 10 reps at a time. I do 2 sessions, with the second hitting 5 sets, before I raise the weight by 5 pounds again. Last week I had a day I pushed a little too far or too fast and I really felt it for a couple days afterwards.

  • Leg press 205
  • Leg extension 85
  • Seated leg curl 90
  • Inner thigh (Adductor) 110
  • Outer thigh (Abductor) 110
  • -Glute extension 70 (I haven’t actually done this one recently so it may not be completely accurate.)
  • Back extension 140
  • Abdominal (curl- arms up) 85
  • Abdominal (curl- arms front) 80
  • Rotary torso 80
  • Lateral raise 55
  • Shoulder press (I just learned this is also called military press, and it was one I had backslide on poorly, I’m part way back up.) 30
  • Tricep extension 55
  • Tricep press 65
  • Biceps curl 30
  • Lat pull down 70
  • Seated row 65

I haven’t been good about logging my times weightlifting in the health tracker- mainly because I log the pounds and sets in a different app and forget to duplicate it, but here’s my average steps and calories views.

I’m not seeing the results myself yet, but several people have said I’m looking better these days. In my pregnancies, that stage was 2 to 3 weeks before I actually noticed changes myself. Besides the scales have not budged, they still stay between 220 and 225. Merh.

I welcome all of you to share your progress in the comments as well. I’d really love to know if there’s anyone out there that I’ve inspired in any way, or encouraged to persevere through their own struggles. And there’s always room for commiseration in fitness journeys!

May you all have easy stress free times. May you have great work-outs with plenty of support. May you find you only desire the calories your body needs. And finally, may you see results of your own hard work.

Siva Hir Su

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

Beautiful things…

Like the song by Annie Lennox “A Thousand Beautiful Things”:

” Every day I write the list

Of reasons why I still believe they do exist

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

And even though it’s hard to see

The glass is full and not half empty

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

So light me up like the sun…”

I write my list today to remind myself of things I love. Things I miss when they’re gone. Things I want to see more of. Things I relish and enjoy every last bit of. Things that brighten my day and my life. AND I apologize to everyone for having gone negative for a while again. Suffice it to say no-one enjoys being negative and in the hole, and let my negative posts be validation of my efforts to heal myself, as when you’re down you always want to get up again. This is my effort to do so. This is my effort to start to turn things around regardless of my physical experience. I’m doing as Abraham says “Shift away from the what-is-ness and toward the what can be.” Shifting yet again and taking to heart “you’re always in the right place at the right time, but sometimes you’re looking at it in the wrong way”.

First on my list of loves is every single thing in that song.

Then:

I love hugs and cuddles from those I love, and giving them as well.

I love my children and my kitties, especially because they unconditionally love me.

I love playing with my kids.

I love art: drawing, coloring, painting, all kinds of making art, and most kinds for looking at.

I love music: listening or playing, and most genres, especially all 64GB I have.

I love massages, mostly receiving because it’s so darn helpful and feels good, but giving helps people so I like that too.

I love getting things that help me feel better: exercise, sun, healthy foods, sleep, and fun activities.

I love comfy quiet spaces.

I love starting my day with a hot shower, they are so refreshing and relaxing and help me start my day in the best frame of mind.

I love waking up refreshed and on time to start my day easily and smoothly.

I love things to do, being balanced with time to just be.

I like nice cars in tip top shape, well oiled machines so to speak, including good tires & brakes, and would love a new electric vehicle.

I love it when people communicate effectively, and when they talk to each other consistently.

I love when people talk to me about their interests and desires, and things they like and enjoy.

(conditional ones… oopsie)

I love feeling really supported and cared for. (that’s more unconditional, maybe Abraham can help me find some more words here…)

I love feeling love for others and receiving love.

I love feeling appreciated.

I love feeling happy and having fun.

I love feeling content.

I love feeling comfortable in my body (though it could be way more often).

I love peace and peacefulness.

I love being inspired and feeling accomplishment when my inspired actions pan out positively (I’d love to do that much more often also).

I love the feeling of wholeness and completeness.

I love feeling abundance and prosperity.

I love knowing that the universe supports me and is working on a solution to pay for all of my needs (including the birth costs).

I love knowing that the universe can flow money to me many, many more ways than I can even begin to think of, and love knowing all I need is alignment to allow it.

I love feeling relaxed and centered.

I love the feeling of balance in all respects.

I love the feeling of freedom.

I enjoy feeling welcomed.

I enjoy the feeling of belonging.

I love that my children are loving and doing their best to find their way in this world. I look forward to mastering my guidance system to show them how to do the same. Because I also know actions do teach better than words.

I love the feeling of friendship.

I love the feelings of having good conversations and really connecting with someone.

I love the feeling of stability and homecoming that a close knit family home brings.

I love feeling calm and centered and knowing that things are progressing smoothly and easily in perfect timing (that could totally happen a lot more).

I love knowing that others around me function well in chaos, because it makes up for what I’m unable to handle.

I love knowing that I can distract myself from that same chaos by retreating into my mind or simply watching funny videos, or even walk through it and recenter alone.

I love knowing that others around me are also doing their best. That they have the best intentions when they offer things to me or make suggestions, and that they really are doing their best to support me.

I love knowing that “IT” never gets done, so if someone promises me something and forgets or is unable to fulfill their promise, another way will show itself.

I love knowing that God ‘has my back’ and will make up for those dropped moments/promises. I just have to allow it.

I love the feeling of well-being, of naturalness and of normalcy. I love knowing that those feelings are a good symptoms of my body and brain functioning in tip top shape, perfect alignment. I look forward to feeling like that everyday.

I love feeling prepared for whatever is in progress.

I love being excited for good things coming.

I love being on time, even early, for everything, and I love the feeling of knowing I always have plenty of time (no rush).

I enjoy feeling that I’m in the right place at the right time.

I love feeling safe and knowing that my family is safe. I love knowing that my family strives to be in alignment so they can do lots of fun things safely.

I love being able to say yes, go for it, it’s OK.

I love feeling passion, and being passionate, about people, places, and activities.

I love knowing that I’m a vibrational being.

I love the feeling of alignment with that inner being.

I love knowing that my inner me/vibrational-being loves everything. (I’m always in the right place, but sometimes looking at it from the wrong physical viewpoint.)

I love knowing the universe will give me wonderful things when I find alignment with that inner me.

I especially love that I’m starting to get better at catching myself. I’m starting to recognize those misalignments faster and thus start correcting faster. I realize that I am still letting some of those moments snowball too much and build much negative momentum, but acknowledging that, every single time it happens, helps me inch towards catching it sooner with less momentum to correct for. I look forward to when I catch all of my negative misalignments in their infancy before they have any significant momentum at all. I love knowing I will eventually get there, and it just takes practice (maybe a lot, but that’s OK too).

And with that I leave you all with blessings of fast alignment recovery in any contrast situation.

Weird, just plain weird.

So I know that God is working on helping me. How I know is things just keep getting stranger by the day. I keep repeating “I see that things are changing, I’m doing my best to trust, and I’ll do whatever you want me to and do my best to see the positive in everything.”

I just wrote last night, but it seems today has brought more twists and turns and I need to process. I have the time because I’m house sitting for a good friend who also happens to be a fellow massage therapist, which means we trade quite frequently. It’s great, her style is very similar to mine, and we mesh well on many levels. Her pooches even love me, so she asked me to sit her dogs knowing it would give me another opportunity to skip some driving. I’m much appreciative. I feel much more rested when my day doesn’t involve 3 hours or more of driving. So that is how I’ve managed to fit in not one, but two blogs this week.

So, that’s not really weird, just amazingly helpful. Where is the weird then?

I got to work with 15 minutes to spare this morning, and knew I needed to punch in about 10 late for having gone over the previous day. I proceeded to leisurely prep for my day knowing I was essentially working off the clock, but knowing full well it was my choice. I was essentially going through the craft room seeing what was available for the crafting activity later in the day. I became so engrossed in my explorations finding cool things to work with that I ended up clocking in nearly 30 min late, not just the 10 initially planned. Not a big deal, and I figured my day would provide the opportunity to correct that, which sure enough it did.

That was just a taste of weird. In the crafting activity I set out to provide options, ones that I had seen done at other buildings where I do my massage work. I thought surely that one of them would be welcomed. After laying out all of the supplies and describing the choices, I looked around to a silent room of blank stares. NOTHING! Really!  So, I proceeded with plan B and began walking through how to make a wreath using a simple wire frame. If no one wants to participate, then live action crafting show it is.

About 3/4 of the way through making the wreath a person to my right is grumbling about how she doesn’t think it is going to work or look nice. Then the woman directly across from her starts complaining about why are we just sitting here and not doing anything. I replied directly to her that it was because I brought out materials to do a myriad of crafts and gave 5 specific examples and a room full of adults couldn’t tell me anything they wanted to do. I then explained that they were all adults with opinions and desires, and that I was doing my level best to provide them with enjoyable activities, and that they could provide constructive input and offer suggestions instead of just complaining or sitting like bumps on logs. I then revisited the initial offer choices and asked her directly if she wanted to do any of them, at which point she said no. I said fine then, does anyone want to do any of them. I got 2 responses out of a group of 10 people. SO I proceeded to help the 2 people complete their choice and then moved on to finishing my wreath.

Employees thought it was hilarious because the one that complained the loudest apparently does that to everyone, I then ended up having a discussion with my co-worker about how instead of having comedy hour at my expense they could offer up suggestions or help. She said it really wasn’t like that and they meant no foul- really just finding amusement that I was essentially one of them, being treated the same way by the resident. I said well, I can understand where the humor comes in, but that they could have filled me in on the potentiality of that, and ways that they as staff have learned to diffuse the situation. Reiterating that I am the newbie still and I simply don’t know these things because the faces are still relatively new to me, I simply don’t have a full understanding of their backgrounds yet. She conceded that I had a point, and we came to an understanding of some possibilities of how to catch me up to speed. Also, she did let me know that if Aids are not busy I can ask them to help (something I was unsure of and explained to her that some of my buildings that is off limits and not even possible).

In the end I think that even though I got frustrated it was ultimately a good outcome and the discussion with my co-worker was definitely fruitful.

Later, I ran into the lady that recommended me for the position (now my boss’ boss) and I told her all about it. She said that there will always be those days, and did reiterate that some of those things will die down once I do get a better grasp of the people I am working with. We had a good discussion about many of the factors that contribute to moments like that. She then let me know that the person that switched from my position, to take a position with the other side of the building, didn’t come in for work and that they were again down a person. She confessed that the other employee had gotten overwhelmed with the position she was in, and they didn’t know if she would be back. I gave an apology and said let me know if you need anything. At the end of the day I went back to ask her about my time off request for the December Choir/Orchestra performance, and upon leaving I got a nudge to be more specific about my earlier comment. I told her that I realized it was between them and the employee, but that if the other person wanted their job back I was willing to switch or do whatever was needed by the company to help with that. She asked me if that was affected if it meant working 5 days a week, and my reply was simply I’d make it work. I said that “I just really wanted you (boss/friend) to know that I would be willing to do whatever is needed of me” (echoing my internal dialogue with God). All of this was in knowing that I took the position because of divine influence and I am really doing my best to follow the rabbit trail. As soon as, the words left my mouth I felt the classic tinglies down my spine that have always acknowledged that I did/said the right thing. She then confessed that her and the building director had actually had a conversation about that possibility the previous week, before the employee failed to show for work.

I finished my day out showing the residents, at least that were interested, my favorite show. “Kindness Diaries” on Netflix.  I had talked about it earlier in the day and they were interested. As I showed the first 2 episodes, they were hooked, they actually stayed awake (all but 1) and they would comment on things that were going on in the show. It may have helped I served cake and tea while watching the 2nd one. Surprisingly, my complainer from earlier became quite chipper and content. It also helped my mood at lot to have a touch of “Kindness Diaries” in my day. Ultimately they were so interested that we ended up watching 5 episodes back to back and having a volley of discussion occasionally.

So, essentially my day had some odd time glitches, an uncomfortable exchange with my charges, and ended with the possibility of getting a sideways promotion and some feel good TV.

I have no idea if I would get a raise, but I do know I would get more hours. It would make for stable adequate income and once we were moved and had finances straightened out (budget), I could begin to slowly eliminate some of my massage work. I’m not sure the extra day a week would be enough income to completely drop all of my massage work, so I probably wouldn’t. Also, there are 3 buildings that I am getting along great in anyway. So those 3 contracts I would probably keep alive and going as long as I could manage. Though it has occurred to me that I need to renew my liability insurance and re-up my CPR certification to keep doing my massage work. So many things, so little time!

I have no idea where this ride is headed, but it seems I keep holding on and finding faith that it is headed toward the great things I’ve asked for, for so many long years. I simply can’t explain the odd synchronicity any other way. I’m just constantly looking for the path of least resistance anymore, and it seems at every turn something strange launches me toward the next interesting step. If nothing else life has definitely gotten more interesting!