Tag Archives: exhaustion

Power’s out

I hit exhaustion about 7:30 last night. I tried to fix it, and failed. At bedtime Nathan helped me out of the hammock and to bed. He took my blood pressure and it was 97/69. My chest was aching and I was congested. I drank water and crashed. I kept telling him I felt like I was dieing and then I would start crying and apologizing for everything.

I’m glad he charged my phone last night, because the power went out with this morning’s storm, and having it charged is enabling me to write this out.

I’m still exhausted even with a full night’s sleep and my thyroid meds. I’m working on more fluids to help blood pressure, and took an extra 30mg of my thyroid medicine to attempt to pull up.

My psychic antenna is in overdrive and I keep getting snippets of multiple conversations. I suspect I know who some of them are, but it’s super overwhelming and contributing to a sense of dieing. I sat in the hammock a bit ago and cried, asking no one in particular to make it stop.

My kids aren’t helping with their usual toddler volley of fighting and playing. They are just being kids but I need quiet, so I’m withdrawing to avoid yelling at them. The dog is happy to cuddle with me, and so is my buddy cat.

Everything is so off.

I hope I can figure out how to fix this and not actually die. For now I’m going to rest some more. My body needs love in a massive way and I’m not sure how to accomplish that on my own.

May you have adequate rest and answers when you need them. May you know and understand why you are feeling the way you do. May you always know what you need, your solutions. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Standing Staring at My Wall.

That would be the wall of exhaustion.

March 10th was my last sick day.

April 7th and Easter, I worked half days. Otherwise, I’ve had 8 to 10 hour days every day since the beginning of February. A few 12 hour days sprinkled in.

Last week I slowed to a crawl, now I sit in my car, knowing I should be inside the building getting my last 3 clients (2 hours worth of massage). Somehow that $100 seems hardly worth it, especially with the state I’m in already.

Saturday I think I finished the manual for my replacement at the activities job. I left it with the building manager for a once over, she quickly passed it to another employee that did activities several years ago. I told the second person that if she notices anything I left out completely to leave a note on it and put it back on my desk.

In our weekly meeting it was explained that my manual has stirred a request from corporate for everyone to do the same. They’re calling it the drop-dead manual, as in if you dropped dead tomorrow someone could pick up the manual and fumble through the job.

It’s little consolation that all my hard work merely pointed out that the manuals should have existed years ago. However, my exhausted brain is grateful that they do see how much effort I put into it.

My manual is a 3inch binder chalk full. I started with a letter to my replacement followed by a table of contents. Moving on into Job description, daily and monthly tasks broken down, budget info, all the forms needed for my position, entertainers contact info, school, church, and volunteers contacts. The second half is a monthly breakdown including my description of what worked well and what didn’t each month, with old copies of the newsletter, calendar and insert for each month. I even did diagrams of table arrangement options I’d tried in our main entertainment space. Literally everything I could think of was broken down and explained fully with as many visuals as I could muster. I even provided file paths for every form and document I regularly access.

I hope it helps the next person take over smoothly and easily. Moreso I hope it helps them understand the needs of the residents, our demographic, so they can do their job as well as I managed. The residents deserve that.

So back to now: here I sit too tired to finish my day, not wanting to go home because I know I have no sanctuary there. I love my family, but I don’t have the energy to be on for them right now.

I just finished angry texting Nathan over a stupid insignificant purchase because of my exhaustion….

You’re right I didn’t ask… I’m sorry I’m so touchy about this subject, but you know when the last time I bought art supplies was? Me neither because every time I’m tempted, I tell myself I’m not doing art anyway, so what’s the use. I’ve bought more stuff for others in the last decade than anything I’d like to use.

Everyone comes before me. I never come first. I hardly ever even come last.

So in acknowledgement of that last statement: I sit.

I need to be first for even just a little bit. That means I’m skipping out on that $100 3-client stretch. That also means knowing that I don’t want to waste money, and that I’m struggling with health again, so going to a restaurant is pointless. That means shopping is also pointless.

Right now, more than anything, I want to curl up in a fetal position and sleep… Or get stoned. And neither of those is actually possible. So I’m sitting in my car writing. This is the closest to being focused I’ve been all day.

I am so looking forward to that second Sunday in June. It’ll be my first full planned day off in over 6 months. I hope I have enough energy to do something fun for me, myself, and I that day. If only I knew what that means.

May you all find a way to put yourself first enough to count, and may we all have a perfect balance of rest and financially gainful activity.

April

My phone is on it’s way back, so I’ll have it in a day or two. The email says they replaced the charging port. I hope it was really that simple of a fix.

The van has a new back window. Nathan busted it out on a mailbox avoiding deer on his route- I have yet to understand the physics of that, but oh well, what’s done is done. Just yet another valid reason/excuse for not being able to save any money.

I’m currently exhausted, but keeping myself awake, because leaving Ian unattended is hazardous. He refused to go to sleep until 2 am last night- despite angry mom. Bonus, we had to be up at 7 am for the van window this morning! Nathan and Anya are in the metro for Co-Op classes today, so it’s just me and the boy. Extra Bonus: it’s cold again. I gave him a box of clean cat litter to pretend he has a sandbox inside. We talked about not letting the cats in his box, and if his litter gets dirty, letting me know so I can swap it out for clean! So far he’s dug in it with his toy construction vehicles for hours, like 3 hours on Sunday, and several hours yesterday, and we’re already an hour into digging today. I may have started something hazardous!

I suppose he’s happy though, so even though it might be a hazard, it’s one worth taking for some peace and quiet. Being in the middle of nowhere it’s that or drive an hour for an indoor playground, and the way I’m feeling, litter in a box wins.

Finally, I realized that I really miss conversing with my Online Friend. April will be the approximate one year mark from when we started chatting, and at this point I am really hoping that I get to meet him soon, or at the very least have a phone call with him. Of course, the latter requires that I have my phone back, and the former requires him returning from the east coast. So patience it is. I’ve relegated to doing my best not to pressure him at all. Partly to honor him: that he is in a very unique and difficult situation which has and probably will continue to cause conflicting thoughts and emotions, I honor his need to work through things in his own timing, and I’m doing my best to be supportive of whatever decisions he makes. Also, partly to honor myself: I need to make peace with patience, if I don’t the universe is going to keep testing my patience- one way or another. *Sigh* In the mean time, I simply keep focusing on the connection we share (when possible) and sending love. Everyone can always use a little love.