Tag Archives: exhaustion

Standing Staring at My Wall.

That would be the wall of exhaustion.

March 10th was my last sick day.

April 7th and Easter, I worked half days. Otherwise, I’ve had 8 to 10 hour days every day since the beginning of February. A few 12 hour days sprinkled in.

Last week I slowed to a crawl, now I sit in my car, knowing I should be inside the building getting my last 3 clients (2 hours worth of massage). Somehow that $100 seems hardly worth it, especially with the state I’m in already.

Saturday I think I finished the manual for my replacement at the activities job. I left it with the building manager for a once over, she quickly passed it to another employee that did activities several years ago. I told the second person that if she notices anything I left out completely to leave a note on it and put it back on my desk.

In our weekly meeting it was explained that my manual has stirred a request from corporate for everyone to do the same. They’re calling it the drop-dead manual, as in if you dropped dead tomorrow someone could pick up the manual and fumble through the job.

It’s little consolation that all my hard work merely pointed out that the manuals should have existed years ago. However, my exhausted brain is grateful that they do see how much effort I put into it.

My manual is a 3inch binder chalk full. I started with a letter to my replacement followed by a table of contents. Moving on into Job description, daily and monthly tasks broken down, budget info, all the forms needed for my position, entertainers contact info, school, church, and volunteers contacts. The second half is a monthly breakdown including my description of what worked well and what didn’t each month, with old copies of the newsletter, calendar and insert for each month. I even did diagrams of table arrangement options I’d tried in our main entertainment space. Literally everything I could think of was broken down and explained fully with as many visuals as I could muster. I even provided file paths for every form and document I regularly access.

I hope it helps the next person take over smoothly and easily. Moreso I hope it helps them understand the needs of the residents, our demographic, so they can do their job as well as I managed. The residents deserve that.

So back to now: here I sit too tired to finish my day, not wanting to go home because I know I have no sanctuary there. I love my family, but I don’t have the energy to be on for them right now.

I just finished angry texting Nathan over a stupid insignificant purchase because of my exhaustion….

You’re right I didn’t ask… I’m sorry I’m so touchy about this subject, but you know when the last time I bought art supplies was? Me neither because every time I’m tempted, I tell myself I’m not doing art anyway, so what’s the use. I’ve bought more stuff for others in the last decade than anything I’d like to use.

Everyone comes before me. I never come first. I hardly ever even come last.

So in acknowledgement of that last statement: I sit.

I need to be first for even just a little bit. That means I’m skipping out on that $100 3-client stretch. That also means knowing that I don’t want to waste money, and that I’m struggling with health again, so going to a restaurant is pointless. That means shopping is also pointless.

Right now, more than anything, I want to curl up in a fetal position and sleep… Or get stoned. And neither of those is actually possible. So I’m sitting in my car writing. This is the closest to being focused I’ve been all day.

I am so looking forward to that second Sunday in June. It’ll be my first full planned day off in over 6 months. I hope I have enough energy to do something fun for me, myself, and I that day. If only I knew what that means.

May you all find a way to put yourself first enough to count, and may we all have a perfect balance of rest and financially gainful activity.

April

My phone is on it’s way back, so I’ll have it in a day or two. The email says they replaced the charging port. I hope it was really that simple of a fix.

The van has a new back window. Nathan busted it out on a mailbox avoiding deer on his route- I have yet to understand the physics of that, but oh well, what’s done is done. Just yet another valid reason/excuse for not being able to save any money.

I’m currently exhausted, but keeping myself awake, because leaving Ian unattended is hazardous. He refused to go to sleep until 2 am last night- despite angry mom. Bonus, we had to be up at 7 am for the van window this morning! Nathan and Anya are in the metro for Co-Op classes today, so it’s just me and the boy. Extra Bonus: it’s cold again. I gave him a box of clean cat litter to pretend he has a sandbox inside. We talked about not letting the cats in his box, and if his litter gets dirty, letting me know so I can swap it out for clean! So far he’s dug in it with his toy construction vehicles for hours, like 3 hours on Sunday, and several hours yesterday, and we’re already an hour into digging today. I may have started something hazardous!

I suppose he’s happy though, so even though it might be a hazard, it’s one worth taking for some peace and quiet. Being in the middle of nowhere it’s that or drive an hour for an indoor playground, and the way I’m feeling, litter in a box wins.

Finally, I realized that I really miss conversing with my Online Friend. April will be the approximate one year mark from when we started chatting, and at this point I am really hoping that I get to meet him soon, or at the very least have a phone call with him. Of course, the latter requires that I have my phone back, and the former requires him returning from the east coast. So patience it is. I’ve relegated to doing my best not to pressure him at all. Partly to honor him: that he is in a very unique and difficult situation which has and probably will continue to cause conflicting thoughts and emotions, I honor his need to work through things in his own timing, and I’m doing my best to be supportive of whatever decisions he makes. Also, partly to honor myself: I need to make peace with patience, if I don’t the universe is going to keep testing my patience- one way or another. *Sigh* In the mean time, I simply keep focusing on the connection we share (when possible) and sending love. Everyone can always use a little love.

 

Dreary, weary, exhausted; still chugging.

So I have a little bit of time to blog tonight. Quiet air-conditioned house of a friend. She’s at her kids’ game, and I’m waiting here to let other friends in when they arrive. I think this is the first quiet, ME time that I’ve had in over a month.

I miss that.

I’m introverted at heart, so when I don’t get that space it wears me down. I’ve worked very hard over the years, practicing my “smile like I care” face to deal with strangers and acquaintances on a daily basis for work. I’m pretty good at it now, but in my ideal universe I wouldn’t have to interface with the public- work with people directly. I think that is why I like Distance Reiki so much. I can still help people and provide healing services without actually having to socialize with the client. Socializing in and of itself is a stress for me. I do want to help people, but being able to do that without spending so much time conversing and socializing would be wonderful. Alas, for now I work predominately as a massage therapist, so I will continue to socialize to be able to continue to help people.

Beyond that, I love my family, very much, but sometimes- especially after having spent nearly a solid month in their company outside of work- I just wish they would go away and leave me alone. Being in a home with no walls is definitely a challenge for me. There is no space yet to call my own. Eventually there will be, but the biding of time is very challenging and I’ve already had multiple melt-downs. This is going to be an excruciating remodel process for me. I’m hanging in, but just barely.

There doesn’t seem to be enough thyroid medicine or lithium in the world for me right now, and I keep praying for my miracle healing so that my brain can make it through this time just a little easier. It seems that it will never come, after having made the same request of GOD for the last 21 years. I was telling my friend before she left that the few times I’ve used Pot as medicine, it’s worked. It helps balance my brain and take me out of Rage or Depression, to an even keel, and without even activating my asthma. However, it’s not legal here in Missouri yet, even as medicine. So  I keep trucking without it. If I get too desperate for mental balance I may disregard that and find some anyway, or take a day trip somewhere that it is. I just wish I didn’t have to break the law to get the only relief that I’ve ever found. Believe me, if the psych drugs had worked, I’d have kept taking them.

Anyway, I’ve been called Debbie Downer twice this week. I don’t like being Debbie Downer, and above all else, I wish I could change that about myself. I would love to be consistently happy, I’d love to get along just dandy having to be around people all day every day, I’d love for my emotions to maintain balance the majority of the time. I’d love to feel like I’m a sane human being.

AND I keep searching for answers to that puzzle. Every day of my life. As I’ve said before, I’ve found some of the pieces- it’s not nearly as bad as it has been in the past- but I still have a LONG way to go!

I keep chugging.

This heat wave isn’t helping. We’ve been 100+ degrees several days this week. The mobile home doesn’t have air-conditioning right now. And being that I haven’t made it to renovating the outside, it’s still pretty much a tin can. Do you have any idea how hot a tin-can-mobile-home gets when the outside temp is 104? I’ll tell you- it makes you wish that you were either dead or in Antarctica. Then to top it off, the battery and fuse died on my scooter, and the air-conditioning went out on our van. I have no way to cool off other than going to work or friends houses. People are gonna get sick of me, especially if I can’t keep my emotional shit together.

But, that’s life- keep chugging. Keep doing the best you can.

Eventually you’ll either figure out how to make things manageable, downright enjoyable, or die trying. I’m hoping for the former, but have resigned that the latter is entirely possible and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that, except keep praying to the God that doesn’t seem to have the time to answer my millions of prayers. Maybe, one day, he will, and it’ll knock my socks off. Maybe.

Keep chugging.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

 

 

I’m sorry Western Medicine.

Dear Western Medicine, Doctors, Nurses, scientists, and all manner of other technicians,

 

I was already stuck in a mental loop, I refer to as hamster-wheeling, over writing this letter. I sat down to word press and found myself drawn to read 2 blog posts before commencing on this letter. Needless to say they only fanned the flames.

If you care to be informed:

Weeds Reads

and

Patient Caps

Now for what I already had been mulling over:

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you. Western medicine, I am mad at you, very upset, and I’ve lost faith in you. I’m sorry if this angers and upsets you. Many of those that I have dealt with, that are supporters of you, make this blatantly clear. I am not supposed to express a dislike of your ways. However, I need to point out that this relationship we have; it’s like the relationship between a lying child and a parent. You can only be lied to so many times before you begin to dis-trust everything that is being said. I have definitely hit that point with you western medicine. Furthermore, I’m not alone in this, many are just like me.

Why, you may ask; it’s a long sad journey that brings me to my current reality. No longer trusting any tag line, any generic description or disclaimer, not trusting anything until I’ve read, researched, and talked with others in depth about it.

When I was 12 years old I went from sightly plump at 105 pounds to 168 obese pounds in about 6 months. My weight gain brought a deluge of bullying from kids in school. I became very depressed immediately. I was hearing my parents discuss my weight, my lack of signs of puberty, my father calling me a tattle-tale-little-bitch and then turning around and questioning my mother as to why I wasn’t menstruating. She took me to the doctor, and they tested my thyroid for the first time. Low side of normal, she’s fine, the weight is just probably a side effect of puberty and will eventually back off, she’ll also eventually start cycling- it might take several years for puberty to fully take effect, and the depression is probably just because of the tormenting kids at school. My mom believed it whole-heartedly and took the news to my father, who informed me I needed to suck it up and ignore the other kids and focus and lose the weight.

I spent the next year sleeping my depression off. That year I spent most days going to school, coming home and doing my homework, eating dinner and going straight to bed. More days than not, I slept 12 hours, still feeling exhausted and depressed when I was awake. That was the first year I contemplated suicide, dreaming of putting my head in the oven or taking too many pills. I decided if an option hurt, it was not really an option, because I was more afraid of the pain than death. Death was the solution to ending my current level of pain. By my 13th birthday I was up to 195 pounds.

The pain and depression continued. By the time I graduated high-school I was 265 pounds and at that point we’d moved 3 more times, and I’d been to 3 more doctors in 3 more states. All of them getting the same lab results and telling me the same thing. My menstrual cycle didn’t start until I was almost 17 and even once it did, it was irregular and excruciatingly painful. My mom would only say, “I don’t know what to tell you kiddo, I had the same problems when I was your age, maybe you’ll grow out of it.”

I went through college in like fashion. Same excruciating pain, heavy flow, exhaustion, and depression, often feeling like I was dragging a 1000 pound body around trying to get through my days. I sought the advice of yet more doctors, first private, then through the University of Iowa, then through the Iowa Cares public assistance program. I had my thyroid tested every time I saw a doctor. Hindsight being 20-20: probably because all of my symptoms pointed that direction. By the time I graduated from college I had seen a dozen doctors and was already being told I was borderline diabetic. Yet, no-one could help me fix anything. I finally went to a shrink, tried Zoloft, tried Paxil. All they did was give me dry mouth, I got more benefit out of taking B-complex vitamins and magnesium- that is, when I could afford them. The bathroom scale by that point hovered between 280 and 295. I was walking miles per week, as by that point I lived rural, and a rural square block was just shy of 4 miles. I did that 3 to 4 times a week. It never helped me loose a pound, but did help me maintain some sanity. When it got cold with winter, I fell, that was the year I almost drove myself into the pond down the street.

When I went back to school for massage I lost about 30 pounds and would hover between 250 and 260. I followed all of the advice I was getting in school. My diet started changing, more veggies, less carbs, lean meat only, cooking meals one day a week so that I could serve up measured portions for the fridge and freezer. I was taking supplements, I was meditating, and via school I was getting 3 massages a week, and giving about 20 massages a week- many deep tissue. All of those good habits and I could never drop below 250.  The depression came back with a vengeance.

I’ve struggled through another 8 years since then. More of the same. I tried Gerson Therapy, which by the way is not only massively difficult, but most western doctors call it quack medicine and the FDA and AMA will not let Gerson Institute set-up shop in the United States. Despite this opinion it was the best luck I’d had yet, enabling me to get back down to 240 and maintain, but I could never drop any lower than that, despite walking a mile or more every day while walking our dog.

I was exhausted trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I loose weight even when I was doing everything that healthy people were supposed to do. Strength was not an issue- I could pick my husband up, and he weighed as much as I did, and do 9 deep-tissue massages a day- though I’d rather not because it took all of my energy to do so.

It was shortly there after we were on an Amtrak train riding to my husband’s sister’s funeral. The funeral was very unexpected because she died after having what seemed like an anxiety attack in which the ER had blown her off as having such, after she died in the waiting area the pathologist never could tell us what actually killed her, but said it was “likely and aneurysm” (though he admitted he couldn’t find evidence of one in autopsy).  Anyway, on the train ride I had a conversation with a woman. The conversation lead to her story that eerily matched mine. She said she finally found a doctor in Colorado that had made some discoveries about thyroid conditions and iodine. She told me what she was taking and how much and what it was helping with. I was so very excited. I had something that I could try, and maybe, just maybe it might help.

After the funeral I went home, found the iodine from kelp and started taking drops in my water. It helped so much I could feel it providing me energy. I would literally get an energy boost 30 min after taking 3 drops. The pounds started melting off.by the end of 90 days I’d lost 45 pounds and got pregnant! Now mind you: I hadn’t been avoiding pregnancy for the previous 8 years. I found it amazing that 3 months of iodine could result in that much weight loss and pregnancy after everything else I’d tried. I simply couldn’t believe it at first.

The pregnancy made me though! When I got pregnant I started having real trouble with blood sugars, but only with certain foods. I was discovering food allergies, but the doctors I saw were not agreeing. They were essentially saying you are just diabetic, take the medicine and insulin and shut up. I kept pointing out with my pages and pages of logs that they refused to read that I could eat sweet potatoes or brown rice and be fine, but other foods were not ok and some things (regular white potatoes) would send my sugars well above 300. I was infuriated. I also pointed out the iodine enabeling pregnancy issue and all they could do was tell me I shouldn’t take iodine because too much would shut the thyroid off. They cited cancer treatments where radioactive iodine is injected near the thyroid to shut the gland down to allow cancer drugs to have more of an effect. I kept pointing out that supplement iodine is ingested not injected, thus taking longer to disperse through your body, and that it is a safer and more stable compound of iodine to begin with. I spoke of information I’d read citing studies where iodine had helped breast cancer and heart disease and intestinal disorders. I kept saying “If it’s so damn bad then why did it help me lose 45 pounds and get pregnant!!!!” They couldn’t respond with anything other than you shouldn’t be taking iodine. I was so infuriated that I told the doctors to eff off. Eventually, I finally found an Endocrinologist that would leave me alone as long as my numbers were good. I used him to be able to get testing supplies covered by medicaid, and that was it. I found a midwife willing to work with me- mainly because of my binder full of logs and blood-work. The midwife helped me finish the pregnancy in tip top shape, helped guide me with iodine intake, and helped monitor my diet and baby’s growth. I gave birth at home in an inflatable birthing tub full of warm water after 12 and a half hours of labor. My baby was beautiful, healthy, full head of hair, and a perfect 7 pounds 14 ounces. I couldn’t have asked for a better non-medical birth it was so perfect and easy! For a first birth I think it went spectacular. Don’t get me wrong there was pain- lots of it, but the water helped, and I had an amazing support team with my midwife at the helm!

100_1277

After birth I breastfed for 3 months while taking my encapsulated placenta (something western medicine frowns upon, but I am adamant that it helped me). About 2 months in I started to run out of placenta, spacing out the remainder, and the depression returned. By 3 months I’d completely run out and my breasts quit producing milk. I did everything I could to try and get milk production up: teas, frequent nursing and pumping (at the peak an hour apart), supplements, massage, nothing was helping. Finally, I had a massive fall off, and after almost driving myself off the bridge over the Missouri River, I went back to a doctor for help. Hoping that they would care enough to do something. They tested my thyroid again. My TSH was 80- astronomically high. Her solution was a basic dose of Levothyroxin- 1x per day. It was not nearly enough, and on top of that it had Red40 which causes my asthma to flare. So essentially I was getting less than 4 hours of thyroid relief, and then having to use my inhaler 3 to 4 times a day. When I brought that issue up, they just wanted to try Synthroid, which again I had no ingredient list, and no consultation on possible allergic reactions, and they were going to just do 1 – 2x’s /day. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I went on OverTheCounter natural desiccated thyroid or NDT and told the doctor to eff off again. I increased my iodine intake, but the OTC solution was not perfect- I was still having some symptoms, and it was horribly expensive. Finally after much research and debating with friends, I finally decided to give another doctor a try. This time I went with a referral from a friend and paid cash. He allowed me to try NDT based on symptoms, but said he needed to do blood-work to make sure I didn’t go too far. It’s still very expensive at $265 for 90 days, but it has virtually fixed things.  Finally, at this point I’m mostly OK. I still have dips, induced by my allergies- I’m having a hard time with having enough willpower to eliminate all of my food allergies now that I’ve given birth. It seems making decisions for 2 is the deciding factor for me. I’m tired of hurting and having dips though so I’m working very hard to find that willpower again, and at least now I know what to look for to know I’m starting to have a dip, and I can compensate.

Regardless, doctors have not helped figure out the allergies- I did! Doctors did not figure out the hypothyroid, I did. They didn’t even help sufficiently when I had the really bad fall off after birth, I had to increase using OTC on my own! They haven’t helped with my willpower or desire to fix things, that is all me too! They didn’t help with the depression, they slapped 2 drugs on it and when neither worked all they had for a solution was lets try another. They haven’t done anything for me except cost me hundreds and thousands of dollars throughout my life. They didn’t even get me through a pregnancy safely because when they wouldn’t work with me and acknowledge me as an intelligent person, I found a midwife that would!

Western medicine has failed me time and time again over 22 years, yet I’m supposed to trust it.

I am supposed to believe them when they give me a vaccine with a very vague disclaimer that says “in rare cases persons may have reactions to vaccines, and in very rare cases reactions might be fatal”. Who determines what rare is? What reactions happen when not fatal? Why don’t I get to see actual numbers, especially for each type of reaction? Why, because they don’t even keep track. They might tell you that it’s 1% of the population, but that is based upon the study results, not actual real life occurrences. Even if it was an accurate 1% of the population, 1%  of the United States is currently 3,233,954 people, and of the World it is 731,956,752. I’d hate to be one of those people. And even at 1% that’s a crap ton of people that are “OH WELLS”in the grand scheme of vaccines or any drug for that matter. We are not people: we are numbers. And someone else determines what is a safe risk or not, and no one is concerned about creating any kind of guideline for any drug or vaccine that will help determine if you are going to be in the  “OH WELL” list or the “OK” list. And forget about allergies, good luck asking for ingredients. The doctor didn’t consider my allergies when prescribing the Red40 laced Levothyroxin, I didn’t even get the ingredient list on the first fill. I had to ask for the ingredient list on refill, and then  I had a month’s prescription I didn’t want to take because I knew the Red40 was what was causing my asthma to flare.

And speaking of vaccines, I was given the ultimatum when I suspected I might have either a tetanus infection or a severe allergic reaction that I take the vaccine to receive treatment. If I didn’t take the vaccine I wasn’t going to be treated for tetanus. They didn’t give me the ingredient list even though I asked for it. They didn’t give me details or numbers, only that vague risk description I stated above. And after the injection, then they gave me the breathing treatment and antibiotics. In reality, to cure tetanus in modern medicine they could have skipped straight to the breathing treatment and antibiotics and never touched the vaccine. And that is if tetanus is known to be the infection, they never actually tested me to find out if it was tetanus or allergic reaction. Yet, I was given no choice other than take the vaccine or walk out of the hospital and risk not living.

In my experience, any time that someone is willing to cut corners and avoid disclosing information– it is for a reason!  It doesn’t matter if it is a divorce, business deal, trade transaction, product marketing, or medical concern, if information is undisclosed they are hiding something.

In my situation I feel that vaccine caused my already severe allergies to get worse. I have no idea what all was in that vaccine, but I’ve had worse allergies ever since.

I am educated, I know 3 things:

1) Vaccines are intended to force your immune system to work, in effort to prevent illness due to a specified disease.

2) Allergies are your immune system over-reacting to inanimate objects in your blood stream or body, be they food particles, pollen, mold spores, dust particles, or chemicals.

3) Vaccines have many more ingredients than they used to, and many ingredients are completely unrelated to the effect of the vaccine at all.

This is an ingredient list for some tetanus vaccines found on :

Vaccines.procon.org

 26. TD Vaccine
(tetanus & diphtheria)
PROPER NAME
COMMERCIAL NAME
(click for package insert)
MANUFACTURER
PACKAGE INSERT DATE
GROWTH MEDIUMS & PROCESS INGREDIENTS VACCINE INGREDIENTS
(not in order of quantity; see package insert for quantities)
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids Adsorbed For Adult Use
DECAVAC
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
Mar. 2011
Mueller and Miller medium, peptone-based medium, extract of bovine muscle tissue,formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate thimerosal, aluminum potassium sulfate adjuvant, residual formaldehyde
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids Adsorbed For Adult Use
TENIVAC
Sanofi Pasteur, Ltd.
Dec. 2010
modified Mueller-Miller casamino acid medium without beef heart infusion, formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate, modified Mueller’s growth medium,aluminum phosphate, 2-phenoxyethanol, sodium chloride aluminum phosphate, residual formaldehyde, 2-phenoxyethanol, sodium chloride, water for injection
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids, Adsorbed
Mass Biologics
Feb. 2011
modified Mueller’s media(contains bovine extracts),formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate,aluminum phosphate aluminum adjuvant, residual formaldehyde, thimerosal
Tetanus Toxoid
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
Dec. 2005
peptone-based medium,formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate, physiological saline solution thimerosal, formaldehyde
Tetanus Toxoid Absorbed
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
July 2005
peptone-based medium (contains extract of bovine muscle tissue),formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate,aluminum potassium sulfate (alum) thimerosal, physiological saline solution

Why is it that I have to look this information up online after receiving the offensive vaccine, and it is not provided in the office in which the injection is received? I don’t even know if the vaccine I received is one of these or another that is not listed, they gave me that little information on it. I believe that is wrong, especially since I requested an ingredient list while sitting there trying to decide what I was going to do.

Regardless, what all of this boils down to, is less about the physical and more about the interpersonal and legal. If any one of the doctors over the last 22 years had listened to me or my mother and actually put forth effort to help me, I may have never spent 22 years in pain and battling depression. If any one doctor had stepped up and really cared about the depression as a symptom I could have had real lasting treatment. What if I had lost the battle to depression? Would anyone have cared or even known that it was a medically based issue? Or would they be doing what people did with Robin Williams and other suicide victims. It is not selfish when your brain is malfunctioning and misfiring causing the depression and resulting suicidal thoughts. Robin William’s wife has come out and stated he had Lewy-Body, that is the same if not worse than Thyroid related depression. My heart goes out to him and his struggles, especially knowing that Western Medicine doesn’t really care about fixing the problem if they can continue to milk you for your money. Yet, society repeatedly called him selfish. If you only knew what it was like to be in that place you would never utter those words. Depression is not selfish, when you are the one dealing with it, all you want is out and when no-one can help you out, then you are left facing the fact that death might really be the only way out.

That’s interpersonal, that is a real issue that is being ignored. Then legally, doctors are allowed to over-ride decisions made by people if they decide it is their prerogative to do so. Doctors can decided for you if you are treated, how you are treated, what you are treated with, and if you decided you don’t like their choices they can make life hell for you or your family, or you simply have to start over and find a new doctor. I think that is wrong. Be it a cancer patient choosing not to do chemo, a parent choosing not to vaccinate, a depression patient begging for real solutions instead of randomly trying any one of a number of psych drugs that may not solve the problem if depression is merely a symptom (as in my case), or a patient wanting a drug that will solve the problem without creating another through allergic reactions (Levo). Patients, or in children’s cases- parents, should have the final decision, and ALL of the information should be provided to make an informed decision.

I am literally begging for western medicine to hear me, because the real problem is that I want western medicine to find solutions. I want to have a trusting relationship with western medicine. I want to believe that doctors really do care about me as a person and not just the numbers of my labs or the numbers I represent statistically. I know that if I broke a bone or had a heart defect, western medicine could step in quickly and effectively and fix that problem. But that is where my faith in doctors stops. I’ve worked on too many people that have had 3 and 4 back surgeries to still have pain.

I currently work on someone that had a car accident 5 years ago. She’s had 3 back surgeries, had both shoulders worked on and then replaced, both knees worked on and then replaced. Yet she is still in massive amounts of pain and unable to function normally. She’s loosing her teeth, loosing her hair, can’t turn her head more than 30 degrees to either side, yet she still has faith that the doctors will find her some healing. I’m doubtful.

I want western medicine to quit milking the American people and find real solutions. You are telling me that in 100 years we’ve gone from steam engines and no electricity to computers that can speak and listen and are the size of your hand and make phone calls. But in that same time the only things we have definitively done in healthcare is perfect mending bones and removing/transplanting organs. We can’t cure most diseases, because even bacteria are becoming resistant to antibiotics. We have multiple diseases (diabetes, asthma, heart disease, COPD, AIDS, and a variety of Cancers/Leukemias) that are so unsolved that they have moved into the realm of permanent money makes for Western Medicine, that is unless the patient dies from the disease. I’ve known people that went into remission with cancer 3 times before finally ceasing to live through the treatments. I know someone now that has type 1 diabetes from a childhood illness, and she’s had an insulin pump for as long as they have existed, currently spending $1500 a month for her insulin and other diabetic supplies. It is wrong. I want medicine to work, I want doctors to listen to their patients and care, I want medicine to fulfill it’s promises, I want medicine to care about people not numbers and money. Medicine is supposed to “First Do No Harm”, well, I think it’s failing at that.

I am obviously very passionate about this issue, and I’m sorry if you don’t agree with me. However, I find that most people that disagree with me have never had any significant issues to deal with. They haven’t spent 22 years trying to solve an invisible problem. So in a way, I’m happy for them, and I hope they continue to have such wonderful health. I just wish they would understand why I feel they way I do, and quit trying to argue with me that western medicine is great. It’s only great if you don’t really have anything invisible to deal with. If it’s a bone, or an organ that needs repaired- they’ve got you, you’re good to go. Otherwise, it’s a hopeless battle to figure it out on your own and hope you can find one anomaly of a doctor to agree to let you try what you want.

May you all have wonderful health, and never find yourself in a 22 year long hopeless battle!

I’m not woody the woodpecker.

So Sunday I did the garden,  & we started demo on the Ceiling of the trailer (see last posts). So Monday Nathan & I decided to divide & conquer. 

Nathan stayed at the trailer to continue with that theme.  I went back  to the tree cutting to dice & slice what was already felled.   It was a lot of hard work that left my arms & back in excruciating pain.  If we didn’t need the wood for next  winter I think I’d have given up already.   Where’s Woody when you need him? All in all, we both had a very productive day.

My tree accomplishments:

image

image

image

image

image

Nathan found another spray foam baby,  some weird bug remnants,  & clothing & comforters used as insulation in a ceiling patch job. …

image

image

image

image

But he got a lot accomplished:

image

image

Hooray for us.

The only catch was: I was so exhausted by bed time that I over slept completely forgetting about my new building.  They called at 10am, & I had a melt down over my screw up.  I never do things like that,  I felt horrible.  Nathan convinced me that because it never happens,  not to worry & call them back with a fib about car break down.  I hate lying, but I felt like such an overwhelmed-overworked-schmuck,  that’s exactly what I did. I rescheduled for  2 weeks  from now  because it was the only day I had available.  Aye, yai, yai…. what’s a girl to do.

I really need the days off that we’re  taking for the visit to grandparents,  but I’m going to spend part of that finishing the paperwork for my accountant to do my taxes!  I forsee a lot of stress, & little (if any) down time in my future 😯.

Slow going progress.

So I’ve been a bit behind the last 2 weeks. Between trying to find a good dosage of my thyroid meds and just being overwhelmed and overworked, I just haven’t had the energy to sit down and blog. Since that is the case, I figured I better use my computer- that’s right all of my previous blogs were from my phone! Anyway, I thought that might just be safer and produce words more quickly.

So, update on the progress we’ve made over the last 2 weeks. Last I wrote, I believe we had almost finished demolishing the interior walls. Here are a few shots of that, which my Husband took.

That last picture there was us trying to move the piano over. It was HEAVY! So needless to say we didn’t get anywhere with that.

The following week we did actually finish taking down all of the interior walls. Nothing left but the outside walls!

The bathroom was the hardest. We wanted to remove everything except the plumbing, mainly because I’m salvaging that to save money. So, we had to be very careful to get all of the fixtures down- electric and plumbing, and then walls down, without damaging the pipes. It didn’t help that at some point(s) the tub was “re-done”, and there were literally layers of paneling with a base of plywood. All water damaged. One layer of paneling was the painted fake tile- not actually water resistant, by the way. So, it was crumbly and moldy, but attached to the plywood with liquid nails. I found that extra interesting because despite the corners that were cut with placing the paneling, no such luck was in play with the plywood itself- I counted 14: 3 inch screws that took multiple rounds of sledging from both myself and Nathan before they finally turned loose. The most hilarious part is once we finally got that wall down, the floor was toast. The sub-floor had rotted years ago and was “fixed” on either side of the wall with patches of plywood, so when the wall came down we could literally see the ground below.

Needless to say, as to be expected with any project like this, you always discover things needing attention that you might otherwise have hoped would be fine. In this case, I tallied up about 6 sheets worth of sub-floor needing replaced. I don’t do things half-ass-ed, never have, and I’m not going to start now. If it needs done, so be it. It might just take me a little longer to get everything paid for and completed.

Then following that, we (Nathan and I only) proceeded to rip down the insides of the Exterior Walls. The first sheet of paneling came down exposing the insulation- we’d already put on the respirators in preparation for that. I still don’t want to risk asbestos exposure. All this work, I better get to enjoy this into ripe old age. Then we pulled down a second sheet of paneling to make insulation removal easier.

Ok, got the contractor bags out and set up the bag stand so we could just roll up the old insulation and put it directly into bags. Great! Lets Go! Pull out the first piece of insulation….. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! WTF! WHAT am I looking at?

This:

That means that in the 1970’s trailers were built far below current construction req’s. Just so you know, current standards are: you build your stud walls, coat them in plywood, then wrap the outside of the plywood in plastic sheeting such as TyVek or similar, and then put up the exterior covering- be it vinyl, metal or wood siding. So, again I see myself adding up new figures. 66 sheets of plywood that I hadn’t thought I would need- roughly $700 worth. Yippie! Right?!

Ok, so keep going. We wrap around the end of the trailer to the opposite long side, when we get a fourth of the way down that side, we realize that we’re looking at dimples all over the siding.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

We go outside, the whole north side (long side) is covered in them, and a couple of them were so deep that they broke through the siding. I hadn’t noticed them before, but I hadn’t really examined that side of the house very well, only having been on that side a few times. We ask; they tell us about 4 years ago there was a storm that went through with fist-sized spiky-hail. It had broken all of the windows on that side, so they were fixed with plexi-glass, but the siding was left alone.

So, now I have a decision, keep what’s good of the siding and try to find some that matches enough for a good coat of paint, or just replace all of the siding. That would mean that everything would be brand new, exactly what we want, and have a very long life span; it would also mean that I’ve got another couple thousand dollars of materials to pay for. I like the latter better, but ARGH, REALLY- more money to spend. Like I need more things to figure out how/when to pay for them. Oh well, I guess.

So, keep on trucking. We did as much as we could that day, and realized that things need moved to finish tear down of the interior. The next work day, we got help, borrowed a trailer, and moved the enormous super heavy piano, deep freeze, barrel of grain, and massive cast iron cook stove out of the trailer and into storage. That was enough work for one day- I was exhausted, did I mention they were HEAVY? The up side, the trailer was looking very sparse. The only objects remaining: fridge, stove, water-heater/pressure-tank, Jacuzzi & sinks, Wood Heat Stove, and construction materials/tools. Now we’re getting somewhere.

The next day, we went to a different friend’s house to work on cutting down a dead tree to build up our wood stores for next winter.

 

That’s the first felled part of the tree on the left- there’s about 6 more trunks of the cluster to be felled yet. On the right: the piles are what we had done after about 3 hours of cutting and cleaning up. I didn’t take a photo of the tiny twigs- that pile was huge, but at least we’ll have plenty of kindling. Anyway, we only did the 3 hours, because after moving heavy stuff the day before, that was all we could handle physically. I promised them we’d be back on the following Monday to finish that part, and that we’d keep working on the whole tree until it was all down. I made such a promise because I know we’ll need the wood next winter. Might as well plan ahead and have seasoned wood for just the cost of labor. My estimates are that we’ll end up with enough for us, and then possibly enough extra for the friend that gave us the trailer. That’s good.

So, slow progress. My goal is to finish tear down this Sunday, and get sub-floor repair and plumbing started the following. We only have 3 workable weekends left if we’re still moving April 1st, so this Sunday will determine that. If we can’t finish tear down this Sunday, I will probably have to postpone the move date- an idea I detest, especially since I don’t know if our landlord would be willing to pro-rate for half a month. I really don’t want to stay  a whole month longer.

Keep those fingers crossed for us!