Tag Archives: expectations

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Beautiful things…

Like the song by Annie Lennox “A Thousand Beautiful Things”:

” Every day I write the list

Of reasons why I still believe they do exist

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

And even though it’s hard to see

The glass is full and not half empty

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

So light me up like the sun…”

I write my list today to remind myself of things I love. Things I miss when they’re gone. Things I want to see more of. Things I relish and enjoy every last bit of. Things that brighten my day and my life. AND I apologize to everyone for having gone negative for a while again. Suffice it to say no-one enjoys being negative and in the hole, and let my negative posts be validation of my efforts to heal myself, as when you’re down you always want to get up again. This is my effort to do so. This is my effort to start to turn things around regardless of my physical experience. I’m doing as Abraham says “Shift away from the what-is-ness and toward the what can be.” Shifting yet again and taking to heart “you’re always in the right place at the right time, but sometimes you’re looking at it in the wrong way”.

First on my list of loves is every single thing in that song.

Then:

I love hugs and cuddles from those I love, and giving them as well.

I love my children and my kitties, especially because they unconditionally love me.

I love playing with my kids.

I love art: drawing, coloring, painting, all kinds of making art, and most kinds for looking at.

I love music: listening or playing, and most genres, especially all 64GB I have.

I love massages, mostly receiving because it’s so darn helpful and feels good, but giving helps people so I like that too.

I love getting things that help me feel better: exercise, sun, healthy foods, sleep, and fun activities.

I love comfy quiet spaces.

I love starting my day with a hot shower, they are so refreshing and relaxing and help me start my day in the best frame of mind.

I love waking up refreshed and on time to start my day easily and smoothly.

I love things to do, being balanced with time to just be.

I like nice cars in tip top shape, well oiled machines so to speak, including good tires & brakes, and would love a new electric vehicle.

I love it when people communicate effectively, and when they talk to each other consistently.

I love when people talk to me about their interests and desires, and things they like and enjoy.

(conditional ones… oopsie)

I love feeling really supported and cared for. (that’s more unconditional, maybe Abraham can help me find some more words here…)

I love feeling love for others and receiving love.

I love feeling appreciated.

I love feeling happy and having fun.

I love feeling content.

I love feeling comfortable in my body (though it could be way more often).

I love peace and peacefulness.

I love being inspired and feeling accomplishment when my inspired actions pan out positively (I’d love to do that much more often also).

I love the feeling of wholeness and completeness.

I love feeling abundance and prosperity.

I love knowing that the universe supports me and is working on a solution to pay for all of my needs (including the birth costs).

I love knowing that the universe can flow money to me many, many more ways than I can even begin to think of, and love knowing all I need is alignment to allow it.

I love feeling relaxed and centered.

I love the feeling of balance in all respects.

I love the feeling of freedom.

I enjoy feeling welcomed.

I enjoy the feeling of belonging.

I love that my children are loving and doing their best to find their way in this world. I look forward to mastering my guidance system to show them how to do the same. Because I also know actions do teach better than words.

I love the feeling of friendship.

I love the feelings of having good conversations and really connecting with someone.

I love the feeling of stability and homecoming that a close knit family home brings.

I love feeling calm and centered and knowing that things are progressing smoothly and easily in perfect timing (that could totally happen a lot more).

I love knowing that others around me function well in chaos, because it makes up for what I’m unable to handle.

I love knowing that I can distract myself from that same chaos by retreating into my mind or simply watching funny videos, or even walk through it and recenter alone.

I love knowing that others around me are also doing their best. That they have the best intentions when they offer things to me or make suggestions, and that they really are doing their best to support me.

I love knowing that “IT” never gets done, so if someone promises me something and forgets or is unable to fulfill their promise, another way will show itself.

I love knowing that God ‘has my back’ and will make up for those dropped moments/promises. I just have to allow it.

I love the feeling of well-being, of naturalness and of normalcy. I love knowing that those feelings are a good symptoms of my body and brain functioning in tip top shape, perfect alignment. I look forward to feeling like that everyday.

I love feeling prepared for whatever is in progress.

I love being excited for good things coming.

I love being on time, even early, for everything, and I love the feeling of knowing I always have plenty of time (no rush).

I enjoy feeling that I’m in the right place at the right time.

I love feeling safe and knowing that my family is safe. I love knowing that my family strives to be in alignment so they can do lots of fun things safely.

I love being able to say yes, go for it, it’s OK.

I love feeling passion, and being passionate, about people, places, and activities.

I love knowing that I’m a vibrational being.

I love the feeling of alignment with that inner being.

I love knowing that my inner me/vibrational-being loves everything. (I’m always in the right place, but sometimes looking at it from the wrong physical viewpoint.)

I love knowing the universe will give me wonderful things when I find alignment with that inner me.

I especially love that I’m starting to get better at catching myself. I’m starting to recognize those misalignments faster and thus start correcting faster. I realize that I am still letting some of those moments snowball too much and build much negative momentum, but acknowledging that, every single time it happens, helps me inch towards catching it sooner with less momentum to correct for. I look forward to when I catch all of my negative misalignments in their infancy before they have any significant momentum at all. I love knowing I will eventually get there, and it just takes practice (maybe a lot, but that’s OK too).

And with that I leave you all with blessings of fast alignment recovery in any contrast situation.

Anomaly and contemplation of locations

Yesterday evening’s trip to the ER is definitely some kind of fluke anomaly.  I had an adjustment this morning,  and with the exception of a lingering headache,  I’ve been completely normal all day. So, I have no idea the exact cause of the anomaly,  but I’m glad I’m healthy and I now know that for certain.

Since today is going as well as the last several have,  I thought I’d write a little about my thoughts on the location of Atira. 

It’s been on my mind a lot lately,  one of many aspects of Atira I’ve been considering  as I gain positive thought momentum. Essentially, I’ve been taking elements of our original dream and picking at them to see if they still resonate and seem valid.  This means that I’m really just solidifying what it is that I want.  So for this moment I’m detailing the location and land desires.

What Nathan and I have always envisioned is large acreage: approximately 300 acres give or take a little bit.  This choice is based on land that we’ve been on ranging from 7 acres to 35 acres to 280 acres. Out of the different places we’ve been we like the bigger properties better when thinking about building Atira. It allows for the most flexibility in property planning,  but also means that we could spread things out to allow for nature to be present all around the different parts of Atira, something we feel strongly about.  We want to build around natural elements with minimal cutting of vegetation.

Beyond that we’ve always seen and felt that Atira was near mountains.  Close enough to see them (& get to them easily),  but far enough out that there would be fewer steep grades, and ample crop acreage. 

I have always desired that Atira be in a more liberal area.  Focusing on openness and more accepting attitudes, as in one of the states that pioneered LGBT marriage. Along those lines are locations where cannabis is beginning to be legalized, which I’ve desired to capitalize on that as an investment and possible profit producer.  It could potentially not just keep Atira afloat in the short term, but could potentially enable expansion and/or multiple locations in the long run. Essentially allowing for growth and more assistance to those that need it.

Nathan and I talked about being near the ocean,  and though it would be nice,  it’s less important to us.

I’ve thought about mountains in sunny climates,  and that would be wonderful for my depression concerns. However, those climates don’t always have the draw for younger populations, tending  to be snow bird retirees as the predominant populous, especially where spending money is concerned. My concern there is that the snow bird populous tends to be conservative and often has strong negative opinions toward any kind of welfare or charity programs. I think it would be counter productive to the goals of Atira to be surrounded by that mindset.

I have also thought of concerns regarding maximizing tourist base. If Atira was centrally located (or as close as possible to that)  it would be an applicable tourist location for nearly all of the U.S. vs. Being on one cost or another would limit or reduce the reach Atira might have.

Finally,  from my experiences I’ve decided it would be optimal to be about 30 min outside of a metro area, especially one with an airport. That puts the property far enough out to find peace and quiet,  but close enough to have relatively easy access to all of the perks of a metro.

When putting all of these factors together I keep circling back to being in Colorado. We’ve really liked the idea of Washington state or Oregon for a long time,  but the lack of tourist centrality makes those 2 states less desirable.  I’ve also been informed that those two states tend to be very high cost of living (Colorado is high,  but not as high). I’ve contemplated states like West Virginia, Kentucky, & the Carolinas, but from experience I know that they are conservative areas and also not cannnabis legal yet.  I’ve contemplated New Mexico & even Hawaii & ruled them out for similar reasons, Hawii is the most tempting of the ruled out though, for obvious reasons.  For now though my sights seem to be set on Colorado, I just keep circling back to it meeting nearly all of the goals/ideals we have listed.  My biggest roadblock to committing to Colorado right now is that I’ve never been there, I have no idea where to start, and I don’t really know what’s available. So, I really just need to do more research before we commit to moving there anytime soon, or even not so soon.

It’s a start though.  I really look forward to figuring things out and seeing the process unfold.  For now,  it seems I’m being told to get the family current passports. Hopefully that means an excellent exotic adventure vacation awaits us in the near future! 

Proverbial knock some sense into me.

Today was productive  in a way, at least in the expensive sense. 

Our van clicked over 181800 miles today.  We did the route,  took a nap,  & proceeded to pick up the borrowed utility trailer for  some  hauling.  Upon arrival I discovered I’d bought the wrong ball. Well shoot. Let’s fix that.
I thought: we have  the smaller ball,  but it’s on  the wrong size bar, why not just put it on the correct bar.  Nope. 40 mile round trip and 3 hours later I had to buy a hitch assembly to get everything to be the right size.  I now have 2 – 1 & 7/8″ balls with different guage bolt ends, 1 – 2″ ball welded to a 2″ bar, & the new 2″ bar, & old 1″ bar.
Yay! More hitches than I know what to do with considering I don’t currently own a trailer at all. Of course,  I’ve never owned one, and after  today I’m left saying “I hate balls!”. Though  I’m seriously considering buying the one utility trailer from Harbor  Freight. It’s on sale for $400 & it would pay for itself in one trip if Nathan has to drive  to West Virginia and Ohio to help with the Aunt’s move.  Bonus it’d  make my mistake ball  purchase useful!  Of course,  purchasing that  trailer would impeed upon other  more pertinent purchases. …. a conundrum dilemma.

Anyway,  once we finally got a hitch assembly figured out,  we picked up the trailer and headed for the nearest Menards.  It’s my favorite hardware and home  improvement store.  Hands  down to  any other big brand.  Can’t beat their  massive selection & great  pricing. Downside- the closest one is in Saint Joseph – 40 min from anything we’re doing. Totally worth the drive though.
Today’s trip was to utilize  some tax return money to get subfloor & plumbing supplies. $500 later I had done  just that. We loaded up & drove  back & dropped off just as a storm began rolling in.

I was relishing in the moment of we’ll be able to start that- actual construction – next week. …when all of a sudden: Clunk & **saw stars**. Anya had dropped the tailgate on my head. She didn’t mean to, and it jarred her just as bad as it did me because when I gathered my wits I found her crying. One giant goose egg later,  Anya knows that I know it was an accident. However,  I can’t help thinking that this might be the proverbial knock some sense into you. I was senseless for  a moment or two and had to sit on the ground to regroup.

Regardless,  I’m certain I know what I’m doing. I know it’s a monster of a project that will keep me  insanely busy for months  to come.  It will cost me as much or more than any apartment ever  has.   I’ll have  to look things up,  and re-learn many things- crossing my fingers that mistakes with be kept at minimum.   It already has,  and will continue to stress me out up to my eyeballs.

However,  it’ll be mine,  I’ll have done it.  I’ll have literally provided for my family in the most tangible way, and it’ll be beautiful and unique – just like me.  It’ll be what I want, colorful,  organized,  spacious.  I’ll have a space of my own,  a
retreat for the first time in years.  And I won’t owe anyone a penny for  it when it’s done.  It’ll be ours until we die.  And it’s the key to finding myself and my strengths again.

For instance,  my garden is growing beautifully and abundantly.  I’m so excited to have  food that I grew for  the first time in a decade! I wanted to take a picture to share,  but we didn’t make it back before dark, so I’ll share that as soon as possible.  I left welcoming the rains to encourage the growth, since I didn’t get to accomplish watering today.

I’m utterly terrified,  but oh so excited.

I can use all the good juju you can send me! Prayers,  magick, energy,  affirmations,  & blessings welcome!