Tag Archives: family comes first

Yule Merriment

I just wanted to share our Yule Celebrations (Solstice/longest night). Being pagan from Christian families, we celebrate both holidays.

We don’t buy presents twice over, and in fact I collect them all year long as I have a few dollars to spare here and there. However, we do split them into more than one night of gift opening for kids enjoyment, and also to draw out the suspense and excitement.

Because of my mom’s creativity growing up, and her thrifty skills, I’ve gotten very creative making a few dollars look like an abundant spread. Plus, I learned long ago that dollar store bags and tissue paper make gifts look much larger.

It all adds to the view and feeling of a prosperous holiday season, which in turn gets kids very happy and excited (and a little naggy).

Finally, we always save a few gifts and the stockings, so that Santa can visit us too. This year a client suggested we use the ash from our fireplace to make boot tracks where Santa would drop the gifts and enjoy a cookie. I loved the idea so much we’re totally doing it, and I’ve made several fires to make sure we’d have plenty of ash. It’ll be a mess to clean up later but totally worth it.

I just watched “Polar Express” with my two littles and I think it’s just what we needed to spark some more magic in our home and family. Playing Santa for my kiddos will stir their magical creativity for sure.

Nathan and Anya even made gluten free vegan cookies for Santa. Shortbread and peanut butter carob chip cookies- yum! Ian and Katie helped with the peanut butter cookies. Now he’s working on gluten free pumpkin doughnuts. Double yum!

Anyways, I’ll put pictures in a clump below.

May you have a magical holiday season and enjoy abundant gift giving. May your children appreciate all their gifts no matter how much resources it took to compile. May you know you always have enough and that your gifting choices are perfectly chosen. May you feel confident in your holiday preparations. And above all, may the Magic of this season fill your hearts and inspire great things in all those you love and care for. May we all feel our connection to the divine goodness this holiday season. May you know you are loved and cared for.

Om Shanti

Early Decorating for Joy

I decided to be an early bird. This year needs a little more cheer and light, and a week before I normally decorate is nothing. I might even leave them up until my birthday next February, we’ll see if I get sick of them before that. For now the extra pretties are very welcome.

This morning started with pancakes and dog loves. Even though Zen is a fairly large dog, he loves giving me hugs, and I don’t mind except when his paw catches a boob wrong. He loves me a lot, and I find him quite adorable.

Then once I got dressed decorating commenced. I got very sentimental and teary eyed when I realized this is the first holiday season I’ve been able to decorate my own home (not a rental house or apartment). It made up for the holiday seasons that we had nothing, and not even an good home.

Anya fluffed and lighted our cheap artificial tree. We’ve talked about having a fresh tree, but I am tapped out cash wise at the moment so that’s how we ended up with the one we did. As we were pulling decorations out of storage we discovered some damaged and broken, and some burnt out lights, but fortunately we had enough to do a good job decorating.

We all took turns putting ornaments on the tree, and I hung lights as many places as we could. We left two strings for outside and a tiny string for our wreath outside. Nathan will hang those sometime in the next few days. I got really emotional after doing the sliding door because it was so pretty.

Afterwards I spent some quality time with littles and kitties. It was a good day and my home feels like a home for holiday celebrating.

May you have fun decorating for holiday cheer. May you have plenty of quality time with your family. May beauty bring you joy and warm your heart. May you house feel like home. May you love your life and find reasons to celebrate. May you celebrate with joy and peace regardless of whether your home welcomes 2 or 20 or more. May you have everything you need and much that you want. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Om Shanti

Allowing what higher-self wants

Post medical rantings, I have done my best to focus on what I want. That beautiful healthy venus body I wrote of in my post “Turning Point” on August 19th, 2020, is in the forefront. I can really feel myself beginning to align with that body. I’m starting to see it in the mirror and especially when I look at old pictures.

When Anya was itty-bitty I looked like this:

Nearly 300 pounds.

Now I look like this:

Me with Katherine a few nights ago. The scale still reads 215, but my body is definitely much more lean than previous having worked ferociously to build muscle.

Yet it is more than that. I have thought about touch, and my intense feelings over touching and being touched by those that care. I have contemplated what love looks like to me and how others might see it. I have thought about keeping my word to God for doing good in this world. I have thought about my community and my role in the clinic, and my desires to own a business and potential near future decisions to make. I have though about my old desires of significant others that would help run businesses. I have thought about how I wanted to see my daily life playing out. I have thought about all of it.

Each and every instance, I reach for the moments in the here and now that match best, the closest confirmations of my progress. Where I have difficulty making things match those desires, I am doing my best to focus on what I want, and how I would adjust the current reality to match.

It has helped me focus in a big way and I am finding a sensation of alignment with my higher self more and more.

I still have challenging moments, feelings of futility or overwhelment, as in my posts from last week. I still feel, in moments which I can’t control the chaos, as maybe it is someone or something else’s influence and it tends to frustrate or infuriate me. Then I have to step back and realize that my higher self would be in control if I let it. One day there will be less of a delayed reaction and I’ll be able to stabilize faster.

Then there’s my kids and trying to help them navigate the energetic world. Anya pointed out a pattern where Ian displayed certain behaviors and I would react with certain phrases; I have been doing my best to step back and reach for alternative options to try and find a lasting solution. I am also trying to teach him things that I do to stop myself and realign when I know I’ve fallen off the positive wagon. I want so much to master myself quickly so that I can teach him the same successfully. He is so smart and right now he is still letting negative win more often than allowing positivity to win. I want so much for him to flip the scales and let the positives win. I will keep reminding myself of my beautiful little boy and his ability to experience joy and that he is super smart and has a big heart when it is allowed to shine brightly. I love my kids very much.

Ian’s first smile caught on camera (not actually his first smile).
Anya burying Ian (2 y.o.) at the KC Fun Farm corn pit, they were having a most excellent day.

And then there’s my Nathan. He’s my biggest challenge because I care so darn much for him. Everytime I see him struggling, be it: fatigue, plain jane illness, swelling in his feet from heart or kidney concerns, or even just seeing him loose his cool; I get upset and frustrated and sometimes loose my cool. It’s a knee jerk reaction because I love him and my brain wants to tell me he wouldn’t slip so much if he really cared. I know better, I myself slip more than I would like, it’s just that I want to see him fully healthy and happy as much as I want it for myself. I would love for my husband to conquer his health too, but I know he has even more challenging things to deal with than I do. We’re both doing our best and must take it one day at a time.

For now I reminisce over our early days together, before his divorce, before money problems, before his heart broke. He was so beautiful to me I did a portrait of him.

He still is beautiful to me and I wish I could erase the memories of the challenging moments we’ve faced together. I know they made us stronger in our relationship and emotionally, but those moments sucked and I would have wished them on no one. It is life, and I am ever so grateful that our love has survived it all, now if we can both regain our health, it’ll all be worth it. It is okay either way, we have learned and grown and become better people because of all of it.

So now, I look at my husband with fresh eyes.

I am doing my best to see him for where he is at and what he is currently reaching for. I do still love him very deeply and wish so much for him to find that which he seeks. I know he wants his health and his virility back, and I know he wants to be there for me and support and care for me and our children. He is a good kind man, and far more loving than my father ever was. I want so much for him to find his desires and regain his health, so that is what I have been doing my best to focus on lately.

I love seeing him and my children happy. I love seeing my family enjoying life fully. I love knowing my family has things to look forward to. I will do my best to stay focused on positive outcomes for all of us. I still wish for others to be part of this crazy but loving family, so I’ll send thoughts to that too, knowing if it never happens it’s okay because I am already loved very very much.

May you see the love around you. May you know you are loved. May you see all of the positive manifestations that validate your progress of allowing. May you understand how to focus to attract even better matches into your experience. May you find that you are able to balance everything well enough and find your alignment even in trying moments. May you find the solutions you seek and may your loved ones mostly find alignment right along with you. May you all have good things to look forward to and moments to enjoy deeply. May you know God loves and supports you and it is all okay.

Siva Hir Su