Tag Archives: family time

Allowing what higher-self wants

Post medical rantings, I have done my best to focus on what I want. That beautiful healthy venus body I wrote of in my post “Turning Point” on August 19th, 2020, is in the forefront. I can really feel myself beginning to align with that body. I’m starting to see it in the mirror and especially when I look at old pictures.

When Anya was itty-bitty I looked like this:

Nearly 300 pounds.

Now I look like this:

Me with Katherine a few nights ago. The scale still reads 215, but my body is definitely much more lean than previous having worked ferociously to build muscle.

Yet it is more than that. I have thought about touch, and my intense feelings over touching and being touched by those that care. I have contemplated what love looks like to me and how others might see it. I have thought about keeping my word to God for doing good in this world. I have thought about my community and my role in the clinic, and my desires to own a business and potential near future decisions to make. I have though about my old desires of significant others that would help run businesses. I have thought about how I wanted to see my daily life playing out. I have thought about all of it.

Each and every instance, I reach for the moments in the here and now that match best, the closest confirmations of my progress. Where I have difficulty making things match those desires, I am doing my best to focus on what I want, and how I would adjust the current reality to match.

It has helped me focus in a big way and I am finding a sensation of alignment with my higher self more and more.

I still have challenging moments, feelings of futility or overwhelment, as in my posts from last week. I still feel, in moments which I can’t control the chaos, as maybe it is someone or something else’s influence and it tends to frustrate or infuriate me. Then I have to step back and realize that my higher self would be in control if I let it. One day there will be less of a delayed reaction and I’ll be able to stabilize faster.

Then there’s my kids and trying to help them navigate the energetic world. Anya pointed out a pattern where Ian displayed certain behaviors and I would react with certain phrases; I have been doing my best to step back and reach for alternative options to try and find a lasting solution. I am also trying to teach him things that I do to stop myself and realign when I know I’ve fallen off the positive wagon. I want so much to master myself quickly so that I can teach him the same successfully. He is so smart and right now he is still letting negative win more often than allowing positivity to win. I want so much for him to flip the scales and let the positives win. I will keep reminding myself of my beautiful little boy and his ability to experience joy and that he is super smart and has a big heart when it is allowed to shine brightly. I love my kids very much.

Ian’s first smile caught on camera (not actually his first smile).
Anya burying Ian (2 y.o.) at the KC Fun Farm corn pit, they were having a most excellent day.

And then there’s my Nathan. He’s my biggest challenge because I care so darn much for him. Everytime I see him struggling, be it: fatigue, plain jane illness, swelling in his feet from heart or kidney concerns, or even just seeing him loose his cool; I get upset and frustrated and sometimes loose my cool. It’s a knee jerk reaction because I love him and my brain wants to tell me he wouldn’t slip so much if he really cared. I know better, I myself slip more than I would like, it’s just that I want to see him fully healthy and happy as much as I want it for myself. I would love for my husband to conquer his health too, but I know he has even more challenging things to deal with than I do. We’re both doing our best and must take it one day at a time.

For now I reminisce over our early days together, before his divorce, before money problems, before his heart broke. He was so beautiful to me I did a portrait of him.

He still is beautiful to me and I wish I could erase the memories of the challenging moments we’ve faced together. I know they made us stronger in our relationship and emotionally, but those moments sucked and I would have wished them on no one. It is life, and I am ever so grateful that our love has survived it all, now if we can both regain our health, it’ll all be worth it. It is okay either way, we have learned and grown and become better people because of all of it.

So now, I look at my husband with fresh eyes.

I am doing my best to see him for where he is at and what he is currently reaching for. I do still love him very deeply and wish so much for him to find that which he seeks. I know he wants his health and his virility back, and I know he wants to be there for me and support and care for me and our children. He is a good kind man, and far more loving than my father ever was. I want so much for him to find his desires and regain his health, so that is what I have been doing my best to focus on lately.

I love seeing him and my children happy. I love seeing my family enjoying life fully. I love knowing my family has things to look forward to. I will do my best to stay focused on positive outcomes for all of us. I still wish for others to be part of this crazy but loving family, so I’ll send thoughts to that too, knowing if it never happens it’s okay because I am already loved very very much.

May you see the love around you. May you know you are loved. May you see all of the positive manifestations that validate your progress of allowing. May you understand how to focus to attract even better matches into your experience. May you find that you are able to balance everything well enough and find your alignment even in trying moments. May you find the solutions you seek and may your loved ones mostly find alignment right along with you. May you all have good things to look forward to and moments to enjoy deeply. May you know God loves and supports you and it is all okay.

Siva Hir Su

Chasing the rain away.

Watch “Devil’s Dance Floor” on YouTube

We’re on about a week of cloudy days here in KC, with several having been rainy as well. I appreciated the cooler temperatures, but would love to have the sun back, and thus I’m reaching for something enjoyable.

A conversation yesterday at work stirred my desire to listen to some Hypnogaja, but a few of their songs lean toward dark and depressing, so I followed up with some Flogging Molly. Their song Devil’s Dance Floor (above) is my all time favorite workout song because I really get moving when the song kicks into full swing, so that definitely helped today.

I’ve never seen many live shows, and thus can name all of them.

By the time I graduated college I had seen: Hypnogaja, Paul McCartney, James Galway, Wylde Nept, and a few non-descript small time groups.

As an adult I have seen: America, Kaleo, Kongos, Dropkick Murphy’s, Flannigan’s Right Hook, and Nothing But Thieves.

Needless to say I would not be offended by getting to see a few more live shows. For now, I continue to enjoy recorded music, as I have an ample supply of that, which regularly grows even larger.

My kids however have not developed an appreciation for a large array of music yet, so I have to be more careful of my choices when around them.

I’m not sure why I show that respect though, except that I love them….

Today I was greeted after work with a teething 1.5 year old and a just plain loud and complainy 5 year old. It was almost like they were competing to see who could be the most obnoxious.

Lunch had been made, but they hadn’t eaten for dad and older sister. It wasn’t until I sat to eat something that they both decided they wanted to eat…. or should I say be fed. I ended up with 2 children squaking at me like baby birds, competing for bites of my meal, which was leftovers of what they had already been offered.

So I literally got 1 in 3 bites, sharing the rest with each of them in turns. It was quite comical, and I commented to Nathan and a friend that I think I now understood why my mom always said “monkey see, monkey do” & “kids, cats & puppy dogs”. It’s definitely one of those afternoons.

As much as I had hoped this afternoon would go a bit differently, I’m still grateful for the time with my children. If only I can figure out how to turn their volume down a few decibels.

May you all have peaceful fun with kids, good music to listen to, and great times with friends and family.

Siva Hir Su