This afternoon after work the office manager invited people to celebrate her success of clearing radiation treatments.
It was a good poolside party to celebrate her win.
I was/am very happy for her. Her treatments are not complete in that she has oral chemo next, but she has definitely cleared the worst part of cancer treatment and we are all super happy for her. I am glad that she had such a wonderful group of people to support her.
I am honored to have been included in the group.
Sometimes I feel like I should do better, or I’m no-one special, or that I am the socially awkward person that no one really wants there. The sore thumb that stands out in a room. In those moments I segregated myself to not impose too much. I have this secret bashful side that sometimes hides cleverly behind my confident side.
There are moments where my opioniated self argues “I have nothing to worry about just be who I am, the world needs to be more accepting”, but the bashful side says “I’m just so different that I make others uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable”. I often feel like I can feel the energy of judgement even when people don’t say anything, and it definitely makes me uncomfortable, I will often migrate away from people only realizing later what happened.
Occasionally, I have an awareness that, even though I am comfortable with my self because of my major improvements, others live in a different paradigm and have no clue about my path and progress. Those people might say or do something embarrassing and cause a scene, and it is not my intent to cause any scene anywhere, so bashful wins again, and I fold myself up to be less obtrusive.
I caught myself doing that a few times during the gathering. Fortunately, the successful-celebrant’s sister, or my co-workers, seemed to notice and help draw me back out into participation. I appreciated that, and I’m so glad that my uniqueness was tolerated for such a wonderful celebration. It was a concern for me going into the celebration, but I had done my best to ignore my fear, and I’m glad I wasn’t the cause of any disturbances for her big win.
It was a quiet, pleasant, and mostly comfortable gathering to honor and respect a much deserving person. I enjoyed a bit of slightly cool pool, good food, and even a drink to celebrate with her. I’m glad I was there and I’m more glad she had a good afternoon, she deserves it.
It also helped me to see that I have the family I’ve dreamed of. They aren’t polyamorous partners of my ideal dream, but they are family just the same. I can share my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my desires and everything. They put up with my loudness at times and respect me completely. They have helped Nathan so much it makes me cry, and when I expressed major concerns over recent things, I felt like I was really heard and that they genuinely care. The hugs I have received from them are priceless and help more than I have words for. I really appreciate my work family.
I had some of that with the one person I worked with at the job I found myself having to step away from, but at the clinic I feel that way with everyone. They all care about me and I care about them. Genuinely and completely. I am so utterly grateful. It is a wonderful feeling to have people around me that truly care.
May you enjoy celebrations of succuss with everyone you love and care about. May you see your family around you, even if they are not biological or in a marriage-like commitment. May you know those you care about also care about you. May you enjoy life mostly and see your dreams begin to manifest. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.