Tag Archives: fatigue

Ripening

I can feel it in the air tonight.

A storm is rolling in, my children are having expansive moments, and I’m fuzzy around the edges: not quite thinking 100% clearly being tired from 12 days of work. I have one day of work to go and beyond being very ready for my day off, I’m aware of a sense of something other than a storm approaching.

In the past, these moments have carried anxiety or a sense of something more intense. At times I’ve used the words: anticipating impending doom. Tonight is different, more reserved, more subtle.

I had a moment of grief at dinner over my probably never coming back SJ. I cried and told Nathan that a heart never forgets having fallen in love. His consolation was that at least I gave the love freely and that has to mean something. He thinks that the divine will send an even better replacement, but I know even the best replacement will not have the exact same feel. That is something I’m just working on coming to terms with.

Ultimately, if there is such an energetic connection and honesty, I’ll likely move on just fine in time. It just seems like this one is taking me a long time to get over.

I told Nathan it all leaves me feeling like boys are dense, and perhaps my attention should be on girls again/for once. But the only girls I’ve caught in my sights are clients (a huge ethical no-no I’m unwilling to break) or already married and most likely monogamous at that. So being I’m still not on social media and not desiring to be on any dating sites of any kind, it seems I’ll have to wait for the universe to send me a girl. God knows what my preferences are, as evidence by the other things I’ve been provided in alignment with my previous asking. So there will eventually be an obvious answer, I must just continue to have patience.

For now, I work on friendship: with existing friends and new work acquaintances. It’s easier and more relaxed anyways, except for my damn schedule being so inconvenient. Plus, I can be a little lazy on friends and fit time for them in as I feel up to it.

It also means I can prioritize me better as well. Sunday being my day off, I will assemble what I have so far of my new computer for graphic design. I’ll get sketch-up and some other software installed to be able to start my images for Atira. Eventually, I will be able to get a pen mouse for detailed work, I look forward to that. In the meantime, I also plan to make some edits to the format of my blog here in WordPress. I’ve hit some pretty exciting milestones at 350 posts over the last 4 years. I feel like my journey needs honoured, so I am going to reflect that in adding to my blog layout. I make no promises as to how long it will take me to do all this computer work, since this week has been so full I barely managed to post at all, but it’s still a short term goal for me.

Wish me well, and if you’re a regular reader, I’d love some feedback/comments or even suggestions.

Be well. May you have rest and relaxation. May you enjoy time off doing things you like/love. May you have easy to accomplish, feel good, goals. And as I’ve often said: may you find all of the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

Standing Staring at My Wall.

That would be the wall of exhaustion.

March 10th was my last sick day.

April 7th and Easter, I worked half days. Otherwise, I’ve had 8 to 10 hour days every day since the beginning of February. A few 12 hour days sprinkled in.

Last week I slowed to a crawl, now I sit in my car, knowing I should be inside the building getting my last 3 clients (2 hours worth of massage). Somehow that $100 seems hardly worth it, especially with the state I’m in already.

Saturday I think I finished the manual for my replacement at the activities job. I left it with the building manager for a once over, she quickly passed it to another employee that did activities several years ago. I told the second person that if she notices anything I left out completely to leave a note on it and put it back on my desk.

In our weekly meeting it was explained that my manual has stirred a request from corporate for everyone to do the same. They’re calling it the drop-dead manual, as in if you dropped dead tomorrow someone could pick up the manual and fumble through the job.

It’s little consolation that all my hard work merely pointed out that the manuals should have existed years ago. However, my exhausted brain is grateful that they do see how much effort I put into it.

My manual is a 3inch binder chalk full. I started with a letter to my replacement followed by a table of contents. Moving on into Job description, daily and monthly tasks broken down, budget info, all the forms needed for my position, entertainers contact info, school, church, and volunteers contacts. The second half is a monthly breakdown including my description of what worked well and what didn’t each month, with old copies of the newsletter, calendar and insert for each month. I even did diagrams of table arrangement options I’d tried in our main entertainment space. Literally everything I could think of was broken down and explained fully with as many visuals as I could muster. I even provided file paths for every form and document I regularly access.

I hope it helps the next person take over smoothly and easily. Moreso I hope it helps them understand the needs of the residents, our demographic, so they can do their job as well as I managed. The residents deserve that.

So back to now: here I sit too tired to finish my day, not wanting to go home because I know I have no sanctuary there. I love my family, but I don’t have the energy to be on for them right now.

I just finished angry texting Nathan over a stupid insignificant purchase because of my exhaustion….

You’re right I didn’t ask… I’m sorry I’m so touchy about this subject, but you know when the last time I bought art supplies was? Me neither because every time I’m tempted, I tell myself I’m not doing art anyway, so what’s the use. I’ve bought more stuff for others in the last decade than anything I’d like to use.

Everyone comes before me. I never come first. I hardly ever even come last.

So in acknowledgement of that last statement: I sit.

I need to be first for even just a little bit. That means I’m skipping out on that $100 3-client stretch. That also means knowing that I don’t want to waste money, and that I’m struggling with health again, so going to a restaurant is pointless. That means shopping is also pointless.

Right now, more than anything, I want to curl up in a fetal position and sleep… Or get stoned. And neither of those is actually possible. So I’m sitting in my car writing. This is the closest to being focused I’ve been all day.

I am so looking forward to that second Sunday in June. It’ll be my first full planned day off in over 6 months. I hope I have enough energy to do something fun for me, myself, and I that day. If only I knew what that means.

May you all find a way to put yourself first enough to count, and may we all have a perfect balance of rest and financially gainful activity.

Super-human or super-stupid?

I’m not sure which I am.

If the saying ” what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is accurate, then I’m likely verging on super-human. After everything, I just keep going. Pregnant, over worked, exhausted, and all. Like the Energizer Bunny of insanity. Butt dragging the whole damn way.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Unknown

Yep. I’m pretty sure they’re talking about me there. Or at least I feel that way at this very moment.

Three and a half months worth at least. Leaving me rocking myself in the dark, curling up in closets and other not-beds to sleep. Pushing away caring friends because I know they can’t solve my problems, and I don’t want to ruin my friendships complaining about them (the problems that is). I couldn’t bear being that friend that gets dumped because I don’t have anything positive to say in the present tense.

Yet Abraham Hicks stresses that what I’m doing is really insanity, just not how most perceive. The key is that word “expecting” in the definition of insanity.

I don’t know how to do differently, but I seem to think if I do this enough times I’ll get my desired outcome, but also expecting it’ll take divine intervention. Those are expectations. Expecting a “knight in shining armor” to come hold me and make things OK is yet another.

I want to believe the law of attraction, I want to believe that things will be OK, great in fact. But my damn brain keeps telling me: you’re working your ass off and still not getting anywhere, how the hell do you expect to do something less difficult and get way better results! 

AND there enlies my problem. You can’t get what you don’t believe is possible. 

Abraham is very clear on that front. All the work in the world, all the lottery tickets in the world, are meaningless if you don’t believe the desired result/outcome is possible for YOU.

It’s not that I don’t believe that there are jobs that are easy and pay a butt load of money. I’m very much aware of those. It’s not that I don’t believe that people win the lottery. I watch the news enough to know; I’ve seen the show about lottery winners. I know that generally speaking it’s totally a possibility.

My disbelief lies in myself. I’m under qualified, I’m too far in bad-debt to be hired for some jobs or buy a house, there’s too much at stake, I’m not that special…. Etc, etc. OR in my beliefs about possibility versus probability. It’s possible to win the lottery, but in my life that would simply be a straight up miracle. Which then circles back to my belief about not being special enough, why would the divine actually grant me a miracle. My brain wants to shoot down everything. Damn you brain!

Abraham says then: either work a way around the negative limiting belief, or distract yourself long enough to see a result that helps guide you toward believing.

I thought all this work time was distracting me, but apparently not enough. I’m still finding myself needing inner pep-talks. I’m still catching myself very down, crying frequently. I’m still getting hung up on the same half dozen topics (or a man). SO…. So much for distraction.

I guess I’m going to have to take the mentally hard route with every damn limiting belief. One At A Time.

How do you work around dozens of limiting beliefs. One at a time. Just pick one I suppose; you have to start somewhere.

So, I feel like I should start with that damn Midwest work ethic. That: you have to work hard to earn a fair living and get ahead. Because let’s face it, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last decade, and it’s BULLSHIT. I started early, before I even finished college. Took on a family that wasn’t mine (biologically speaking) at 21 years old. I’ve worked hard fairly continuously, and I’m further behind than when I started. Way, way further behind. A load of horse manure that was. Right up there with “a college education will get you a good paying job and get you ahead of others”. That too was a total crock of horse hockey. Maybe for some it’s accurate, but seriously not for me. Not even remotely.

So somehow I’m going to have to override those faulty programs by dancing around the topic. Literally looking for a twisty, curvy, windy path to believing that it would be possible, somehow, for me to work doing something fairly easy with plenty of time freedom, that would pay a buttload of money and not necessarily use either of my educations.

I think; I hope, that if I figure that one out, all the other limiting beliefs will collapse in short, much easier order. Alas, I have to tackle it first, then play the wait-and-see game again. Because (another limiting belief) instant gratification is only for food and frivolity in my world.

Can someone please invent a selective singular-memory-eraser! That is, right after someone invents the smart band that accurately tracks heart rate, blood pressure, blood glucose, and connects all of that in an app that also allows you to manually track meals, snacks, and activity levels (outside of walking/running/swimming). Oh, and it’d be awesome if that app just told your doctor everything so they’d actually believe you. Even better if it helped compile the data to uncover food allergies or other triggers…. Oh wait, doctors first have to admit that it’s even possible to do that (like I did with my first child). I suppose I’m a few decades ahead of my time in those expectations. It’ll get there, sometime next century (loaded with sarcasm)…. After they’ve killed off a few billion too many people and start losing all their trillions of profits they made from unnecessarily sick people.
OK, so you might be able to tell my mood today. This blog may have helped, but honestly I’ve got a few more stuck in the cogs that I hope an excess of sleep will eliminate. Wish me well and send me sleep blessings… I need it. My whole family needs it. I must figure out how to turn this forsaken ship around.