Tag Archives: fatigue

It’s all F.U.B.A.R.

After work I came home and crashed sleeping until dinner was ready. When Nathan woke me for dinner I was shivering so intently that we took my temperature: 98.4°. I took a lonely sad selfie before dragging myself to dinner. Dinner helped some, but did not solve my state of being.

I am worried and frustrated over my anamolous symptoms: fluctuating recurring severe fatigue, dizziness, pressure in my throat, sometimes pressure in my chest or other weird sensations, feeling like I’m running a fever without it registering on thermometers, and those damned negative thoughts I chase away like fighting off the Banshee.

Yet I am not alone.

One of my clients today shared almost the same exact list, and both of us had a significant upswing in them starting yesterday. Enough that we had both reached out to doctors seeing if we could get in, but not enough that either of us desired to do the urgent care or ER thing. We both had expensive ER fails in the past, costly visits that led to no actual help.

She reminded me that the full moon started yesterday. If that is the cause of the uptake in symptoms then I have another 24 hours to ride out until improvement. But the last 24 hours has only been worse than previous, they were present before that to a lesser degree and more infrequent.

WTF!

My conversation with her covered all the possibilities and we talked about Divine Masculine/Feminine and things we had been aware of. I told her of some of my psychic pings during the bouts of exhaustion. We talked about things we shared in our own histories: of not being enough and carrying the load for many. We acknowledged that we are not alone, many women of our generation have faced huge obstacles, one after another in rapid repitition, and yet we’re all still standing, albeit fighting Dis-ease and doing our best to heal under less than ideal circumstances. Yet it’s not just women, much of America is in the same boat, but some get to ride it out easy and others of us trudge on working just as hard as ever, all because of a fucked up system. It’s all just too much and many of us deserve better and we especially deserve the elusive healing we seek.

Somehow it is all connected, and though the conversation was very revealing, I’m in such a state that I’m having difficulty recalling details enough to convey the overlieing message. There is a message and one that leaves me angry and feeling a sense of futility, but I know there must be a solution. We deserve better.

I have contemplated running away to a monestary to find my healing, but I had to acknowledge they are all run by the same types of individuals that caused all the damages. Every last religion has an old male as their leader, and none of them, to this day, fully understand women, the challenges we have faced and continue to face, and the resulting damages. The best of them come close, but none get it fully. It leaves me shaking my head in dismay, all these men think they have the answers for us when they don’t even fully understand us. They ALWAYS tell us were doing something wrong, or we need to do it more, better, longer, this way or that way, on this day or not on that day. They test us and see how strong or capable we are, but never acknowledge we’ve passed their tests, and never reward us for the many jobs well done.

Where is the acknowledgement of all we have accomplished, even and especially when all efforts were to keep us down in our place? Where was the divine in righting wrongs? Where was god when we began acknowledging that our efforts were falling short of the healing we desperately need? Where was anyone when we cried for help, to dust ourselves off and keep moving, still reaching for better?

Maybe just maybe we were never doing it wrong to begin with and that is the biggest problem and the root of dis-ease. Maybe we were doing what we needed to do from the start, and masculine was too afraid that they were wrong, to just let us BE. When will the scales balance again? When will masculine own their shit and feminine find the healing we have been seeking for decades?

As for myself, I simply hope that I don’t pass out  at work tomorrow, knowing I came awfully close twice today. I will keep reaching and doing everything in my power to kick the negative out and allow the healing in. It’s all I’ve got to make it through each day right now, and I do want to see my children grow up and find their own healing.

May you know the message that is being conveyed. May you find your healing and be acknowledged for all that you have survived. May you find ways to see the things that are working and cling to them with every fibre of your being. May you know that you are loved and supported by the divine. May the divine cheer us all on to greater healing and understanding.

Om Shanti

Sleep

Since about 8:30 pm Saturday night I’ve slept more than I have been awake. In fact I’ve probably had 30 hours of sleep over the last 48.

When I did finally try to get moving, my body hurt everywhere. Hot spots I’ve been ignoring to stay functional, finally hit max density. I’m on my second Epsom salt bath now, having taken one yesterday to attempt to clear the energetic clutter for better rest.

There has been no hard labor this weekend and I’m extremely grateful I was given the day off from admin duty. I’m not sure I would have been functional if I’d have tried to do the work.

I found myself feeling very accomplished to have made two batches of CBD-hemp-bud brownies. We had not accomplished it prior and since we’ve run out of the gummies days ago, I knew it was time. (I’ll also need a paycheck before I can replenish any of that genre of supplies.) It seems like I ordered the hemp buds 3 months ago, I know it was before Nathan went in the hospital and that was April 23rd.

Anyway, they had been sitting in our medicine cabinet waiting to be used, and I needed them to be used properly because the 18 grams cost me a good chunk of change at about 250.00+. If you’re wondering, the science has gotten so good that strains are now being crossed to produce high dose CBD/CBG and negligeable THC, and to be sold here in the USA they have to pass lab testing, essentially proving they have less than .3% THC. So these buds are kosher and high quality at 20%+ CBD. I ordered them from Cheef Botanicals online, still can’t order good quality hemp products on Amazon BTW.

So, I looked up gluten free, dairy free, recipes and made one batch vegan for Nathan. Carob powder was substituted for chocolate since I’ve already overdone chocolate lately (thanks stress). The two batches came out spectacular and are being refrigerated while I soak in the tub.

They have already been cut in to approximately 1 inch squares, so each pan is approxumately 70 doses. Yea!

Anyway, when I get out of the tub Nathan has promised to do his level best to knock out my sore achy spots, so he’s working on prepping for that now. I’m likely going to need advil later, but hopefully it’ll make me functional for work this week.

With our new mess I’m having difficulty keeping my puzzle together and it has me a bit worried. Finances and lack of trade partners have prevented massages when I really needed them, and even timing isn’t working in my favor for working on myself. It is partly my fault because the gaps have been filled with artwork more, I needed art therapy too. And when I haven’t been doing art, I’ve been attempting to fit in exercise which helps my brain, but doesn’t help the body aches. Even with those attempts I’m still significantly behind in my exercise routine. It’s just a mess and one I’ve not managed to balance yet. That is the most probable cause for the last 2 days of my experience. The psychic junk is a result of fatigue letting it in, it’s hard to control my guard while exhausted. The fatigue is a combination of all of the elements of my life put together, including working on others in health trouble. Like I said it’s just a mess.

Time and patience with myself well help regain balance. Encouragement from others would help too, but I’m not holding my breath there.

May you have plenty of energy and rest when you need it. May you feel good mostly and feel better when you don’t. May you know your puzzle well enough to manage it even under the most trying of circumstances. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Power’s out

I hit exhaustion about 7:30 last night. I tried to fix it, and failed. At bedtime Nathan helped me out of the hammock and to bed. He took my blood pressure and it was 97/69. My chest was aching and I was congested. I drank water and crashed. I kept telling him I felt like I was dieing and then I would start crying and apologizing for everything.

I’m glad he charged my phone last night, because the power went out with this morning’s storm, and having it charged is enabling me to write this out.

I’m still exhausted even with a full night’s sleep and my thyroid meds. I’m working on more fluids to help blood pressure, and took an extra 30mg of my thyroid medicine to attempt to pull up.

My psychic antenna is in overdrive and I keep getting snippets of multiple conversations. I suspect I know who some of them are, but it’s super overwhelming and contributing to a sense of dieing. I sat in the hammock a bit ago and cried, asking no one in particular to make it stop.

My kids aren’t helping with their usual toddler volley of fighting and playing. They are just being kids but I need quiet, so I’m withdrawing to avoid yelling at them. The dog is happy to cuddle with me, and so is my buddy cat.

Everything is so off.

I hope I can figure out how to fix this and not actually die. For now I’m going to rest some more. My body needs love in a massive way and I’m not sure how to accomplish that on my own.

May you have adequate rest and answers when you need them. May you know and understand why you are feeling the way you do. May you always know what you need, your solutions. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti