Tag Archives: fatigue

Ripening

I can feel it in the air tonight.

A storm is rolling in, my children are having expansive moments, and I’m fuzzy around the edges: not quite thinking 100% clearly being tired from 12 days of work. I have one day of work to go and beyond being very ready for my day off, I’m aware of a sense of something other than a storm approaching.

In the past, these moments have carried anxiety or a sense of something more intense. At times I’ve used the words: anticipating impending doom. Tonight is different, more reserved, more subtle.

I had a moment of grief at dinner over my probably never coming back SJ. I cried and told Nathan that a heart never forgets having fallen in love. His consolation was that at least I gave the love freely and that has to mean something. He thinks that the divine will send an even better replacement, but I know even the best replacement will not have the exact same feel. That is something I’m just working on coming to terms with.

Ultimately, if there is such an energetic connection and honesty, I’ll likely move on just fine in time. It just seems like this one is taking me a long time to get over.

I told Nathan it all leaves me feeling like boys are dense, and perhaps my attention should be on girls again/for once. But the only girls I’ve caught in my sights are clients (a huge ethical no-no I’m unwilling to break) or already married and most likely monogamous at that. So being I’m still not on social media and not desiring to be on any dating sites of any kind, it seems I’ll have to wait for the universe to send me a girl. God knows what my preferences are, as evidence by the other things I’ve been provided in alignment with my previous asking. So there will eventually be an obvious answer, I must just continue to have patience.

For now, I work on friendship: with existing friends and new work acquaintances. It’s easier and more relaxed anyways, except for my damn schedule being so inconvenient. Plus, I can be a little lazy on friends and fit time for them in as I feel up to it.

It also means I can prioritize me better as well. Sunday being my day off, I will assemble what I have so far of my new computer for graphic design. I’ll get sketch-up and some other software installed to be able to start my images for Atira. Eventually, I will be able to get a pen mouse for detailed work, I look forward to that. In the meantime, I also plan to make some edits to the format of my blog here in WordPress. I’ve hit some pretty exciting milestones at 350 posts over the last 4 years. I feel like my journey needs honoured, so I am going to reflect that in adding to my blog layout. I make no promises as to how long it will take me to do all this computer work, since this week has been so full I barely managed to post at all, but it’s still a short term goal for me.

Wish me well, and if you’re a regular reader, I’d love some feedback/comments or even suggestions.

Be well. May you have rest and relaxation. May you enjoy time off doing things you like/love. May you have easy to accomplish, feel good, goals. And as I’ve often said: may you find all of the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

Standing Staring at My Wall.

That would be the wall of exhaustion.

March 10th was my last sick day.

April 7th and Easter, I worked half days. Otherwise, I’ve had 8 to 10 hour days every day since the beginning of February. A few 12 hour days sprinkled in.

Last week I slowed to a crawl, now I sit in my car, knowing I should be inside the building getting my last 3 clients (2 hours worth of massage). Somehow that $100 seems hardly worth it, especially with the state I’m in already.

Saturday I think I finished the manual for my replacement at the activities job. I left it with the building manager for a once over, she quickly passed it to another employee that did activities several years ago. I told the second person that if she notices anything I left out completely to leave a note on it and put it back on my desk.

In our weekly meeting it was explained that my manual has stirred a request from corporate for everyone to do the same. They’re calling it the drop-dead manual, as in if you dropped dead tomorrow someone could pick up the manual and fumble through the job.

It’s little consolation that all my hard work merely pointed out that the manuals should have existed years ago. However, my exhausted brain is grateful that they do see how much effort I put into it.

My manual is a 3inch binder chalk full. I started with a letter to my replacement followed by a table of contents. Moving on into Job description, daily and monthly tasks broken down, budget info, all the forms needed for my position, entertainers contact info, school, church, and volunteers contacts. The second half is a monthly breakdown including my description of what worked well and what didn’t each month, with old copies of the newsletter, calendar and insert for each month. I even did diagrams of table arrangement options I’d tried in our main entertainment space. Literally everything I could think of was broken down and explained fully with as many visuals as I could muster. I even provided file paths for every form and document I regularly access.

I hope it helps the next person take over smoothly and easily. Moreso I hope it helps them understand the needs of the residents, our demographic, so they can do their job as well as I managed. The residents deserve that.

So back to now: here I sit too tired to finish my day, not wanting to go home because I know I have no sanctuary there. I love my family, but I don’t have the energy to be on for them right now.

I just finished angry texting Nathan over a stupid insignificant purchase because of my exhaustion….

You’re right I didn’t ask… I’m sorry I’m so touchy about this subject, but you know when the last time I bought art supplies was? Me neither because every time I’m tempted, I tell myself I’m not doing art anyway, so what’s the use. I’ve bought more stuff for others in the last decade than anything I’d like to use.

Everyone comes before me. I never come first. I hardly ever even come last.

So in acknowledgement of that last statement: I sit.

I need to be first for even just a little bit. That means I’m skipping out on that $100 3-client stretch. That also means knowing that I don’t want to waste money, and that I’m struggling with health again, so going to a restaurant is pointless. That means shopping is also pointless.

Right now, more than anything, I want to curl up in a fetal position and sleep… Or get stoned. And neither of those is actually possible. So I’m sitting in my car writing. This is the closest to being focused I’ve been all day.

I am so looking forward to that second Sunday in June. It’ll be my first full planned day off in over 6 months. I hope I have enough energy to do something fun for me, myself, and I that day. If only I knew what that means.

May you all find a way to put yourself first enough to count, and may we all have a perfect balance of rest and financially gainful activity.

Super-human or super-stupid?

I’m not sure which I am.

If the saying ” what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is accurate, then I’m likely verging on super-human. After everything, I just keep going. Pregnant, over worked, exhausted, and all. Like the Energizer Bunny of insanity. Butt dragging the whole damn way.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Unknown

Yep. I’m pretty sure they’re talking about me there. Or at least I feel that way at this very moment.

Three and a half months worth at least. Leaving me rocking myself in the dark, curling up in closets and other not-beds to sleep. Pushing away caring friends because I know they can’t solve my problems, and I don’t want to ruin my friendships complaining about them (the problems that is). I couldn’t bear being that friend that gets dumped because I don’t have anything positive to say in the present tense.

Yet Abraham Hicks stresses that what I’m doing is really insanity, just not how most perceive. The key is that word “expecting” in the definition of insanity.

I don’t know how to do differently, but I seem to think if I do this enough times I’ll get my desired outcome, but also expecting it’ll take divine intervention. Those are expectations. Expecting a “knight in shining armor” to come hold me and make things OK is yet another.

I want to believe the law of attraction, I want to believe that things will be OK, great in fact. But my damn brain keeps telling me: you’re working your ass off and still not getting anywhere, how the hell do you expect to do something less difficult and get way better results! 

AND there enlies my problem. You can’t get what you don’t believe is possible. 

Abraham is very clear on that front. All the work in the world, all the lottery tickets in the world, are meaningless if you don’t believe the desired result/outcome is possible for YOU.

It’s not that I don’t believe that there are jobs that are easy and pay a butt load of money. I’m very much aware of those. It’s not that I don’t believe that people win the lottery. I watch the news enough to know; I’ve seen the show about lottery winners. I know that generally speaking it’s totally a possibility.

My disbelief lies in myself. I’m under qualified, I’m too far in bad-debt to be hired for some jobs or buy a house, there’s too much at stake, I’m not that special…. Etc, etc. OR in my beliefs about possibility versus probability. It’s possible to win the lottery, but in my life that would simply be a straight up miracle. Which then circles back to my belief about not being special enough, why would the divine actually grant me a miracle. My brain wants to shoot down everything. Damn you brain!

Abraham says then: either work a way around the negative limiting belief, or distract yourself long enough to see a result that helps guide you toward believing.

I thought all this work time was distracting me, but apparently not enough. I’m still finding myself needing inner pep-talks. I’m still catching myself very down, crying frequently. I’m still getting hung up on the same half dozen topics (or a man). SO…. So much for distraction.

I guess I’m going to have to take the mentally hard route with every damn limiting belief. One At A Time.

How do you work around dozens of limiting beliefs. One at a time. Just pick one I suppose; you have to start somewhere.

So, I feel like I should start with that damn Midwest work ethic. That: you have to work hard to earn a fair living and get ahead. Because let’s face it, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last decade, and it’s BULLSHIT. I started early, before I even finished college. Took on a family that wasn’t mine (biologically speaking) at 21 years old. I’ve worked hard fairly continuously, and I’m further behind than when I started. Way, way further behind. A load of horse manure that was. Right up there with “a college education will get you a good paying job and get you ahead of others”. That too was a total crock of horse hockey. Maybe for some it’s accurate, but seriously not for me. Not even remotely.

So somehow I’m going to have to override those faulty programs by dancing around the topic. Literally looking for a twisty, curvy, windy path to believing that it would be possible, somehow, for me to work doing something fairly easy with plenty of time freedom, that would pay a buttload of money and not necessarily use either of my educations.

I think; I hope, that if I figure that one out, all the other limiting beliefs will collapse in short, much easier order. Alas, I have to tackle it first, then play the wait-and-see game again. Because (another limiting belief) instant gratification is only for food and frivolity in my world.

Can someone please invent a selective singular-memory-eraser! That is, right after someone invents the smart band that accurately tracks heart rate, blood pressure, blood glucose, and connects all of that in an app that also allows you to manually track meals, snacks, and activity levels (outside of walking/running/swimming). Oh, and it’d be awesome if that app just told your doctor everything so they’d actually believe you. Even better if it helped compile the data to uncover food allergies or other triggers…. Oh wait, doctors first have to admit that it’s even possible to do that (like I did with my first child). I suppose I’m a few decades ahead of my time in those expectations. It’ll get there, sometime next century (loaded with sarcasm)…. After they’ve killed off a few billion too many people and start losing all their trillions of profits they made from unnecessarily sick people.
OK, so you might be able to tell my mood today. This blog may have helped, but honestly I’ve got a few more stuck in the cogs that I hope an excess of sleep will eliminate. Wish me well and send me sleep blessings… I need it. My whole family needs it. I must figure out how to turn this forsaken ship around.

You might be tired if…

– you fall asleep at QT fuel stations frequently. 

– you miss an appointment that you scheduled yourself for the first time ever in 5 years of self-employment.

– you start to head to another appointment a day early.

– you make it to the only Halloween event that your family is going to this year (compared to dozens in previous years), and promptly take up residence on the only sofa.

– your costume is a store bought witch hat & your only black skirt worn over your work clothes. (previous years costumes were very elaborate)

– every spare moment is meditation opportunity, but often turns into a catnap sitting up straight.

– perfect strangers comment that you look tired, and ask if you’ve had a long day.

– your coworkers express sympathy for your fatigue several times a day.

– every opportunity to sit is taken with a huge sigh of relief.

– you started to refer to yourself as an urban zombie.

– you take your husband’s head off over stupid crap instead of giving out the usual hugs and kisses.

– you fall asleep and when your alarm goes off in the morning, your immediate thought is “no way, I just set that a few minutes ago, did I screw up!”

– you have no recollection of your night except your one groggy potty trip, though some nights not even that.

– you realize that your first real day off is a majorly fun holiday and your only thought is “I can sleep in, or maybe the whole day!”.

– you fantasize about your online boyfriend, and it really just involves a good kiss and falling asleep in his arms.

– you find yourself frequently thinking “focus, what focus; I have no ability to focus on anything anymore”…. That or just inadvertently staring off into space even while someone is talking to you.

– you feel like a real live Igor; limp, haunch, and all.

– you realize your 2nd prenatal appointment is in a few days & hope your husband remembers everything important for you.

– you discover you’ve lost 30 pounds in the first trimester from your spectacular diet and pretty good willpower, but you’re inner voice responded with a monotone “that’s great, another 7 months to go.”

-hard surfaces frequently get turned into imaginary pillows.

– and finally: writing this makes you want to crawl into bed, even though you’re sitting in a friend’s house an hour from home.

Game of life.

I’m hitting a tough stretch in the game of life. 5 days into a 2 week stretch of no whole days off. My butt is dragging bad.

I’ve had to compensate with more thyroid meds. Then it occurred to me that at the new job I’ve been struggling to stay hydrated and get my CBD dose in. I’m at the mercy of the schedule and attempting to squeeze in basic training information into every spare moment. So, essentially where there would normally be a moment to spare here and there for drinks and potty trips, prego snacks/supplements; there isn’t. 

It has meant that my first 3 days there were extremely taxing on my system even though the physical requirements of the job aren’t really that difficult.

I’ve essentially gotten up, driven to work, worked, did my little massage gigs, driven home, and then crashed- 4 days running. I haven’t really seen my daughter but a few min each night. I saw my son 5 min out of the last 4 days, and that was only because he was actually still awake.

So, more chugging. I have invoicing to fit into my partial days off, so I hope I even get a chance to write another post soon. Til a break comes, enjoy your time- you never know if you’ll lose the chance.

Fatigued

I find I’m very tired today.  The divine is still talking,  but the messages are muddled. I think I got told that Nathan needs to check on his friend in Malaysia, and Anya’s dead relatives the BRTs left me with 486 as their message.  Dunno.

 I still feel the energy of that  particular archetype, but maybe I’m missing something- AGAIN. Or maybe it’s just that  I’m wishing for sunny days to return. Rain for extended periods does get to me. I’m feeling good today, just run down and low energy- even with decent sleep and a good workout 2 days running. 

I’ve cranked the music up to compensate and have done a lot of driver’s seat grooving. It helps a bit.  Today:  RobD, Delhi 2 Dublin, Kongos, Nathaniel Ratliff, and Imagine Dragons…. lots of up beat loud dance friendly grooving…. Side note:  why is it that I don’t feel self-conscious bopping in the car,  nor having body hair,  but other seemingly silly things cause great embarassment (like when my hair is a mess or like having mud on my pant leg because the car is coated in it)?

Anyway, this post was really just intended to put up a couple of small art images I forgot to put in yesterday’s blog. 

So here you go:

Top “Peace” is ink & watercolor on heavyweight watercolor paper.

Bottom “Love” is ink pen on same paper.

Fulfilling a small part of that love the infinite divine 24/7. I want more of that. 

I’ve also been thinking about all of the modern conveniences that I really love and miss. I’m going on a year without running water at home,  and it really makes me love my showers at the Y  (not that I didn’t before – I’ve always loved being in water in any format). Just mulling over all the things I love and miss and look forward to having ready access to again in the future. 

So, despite my fatigue, I’m doing my damndest to bring love and light in with me to work.  I’ve really cranked up the Reiki and I’m using the new symbol my guides gave me, even though I still don’t really know what it means. I hope it helps everyone I come in contact with today.

Additionally,  I’ve decided I’m going to set-up a flute performance for my one big building. Hopefully we can find a date far enough out that I can actually practice before performing this time. Considering I hadn’t touched my flute in almost 2 years,  Nathan’s art showing went ok,  but I did goof a couple of times. Again with that silly embarrassment:  they all said they couldn’t believe that I hadn’t touched my flute in that long and that I was great… now I just need my brain to believe it. Keep performing,  practice makes perfect. 

Lastly, I think I’m going to make a concerted effort to get our passports.  Nathan and Anya have expired one’s, but Ian and I have never even had one.  Oh my, that’s a kind of big hurdle to visiting other places one day. One I think needs to be a priority, though I’m not entirely certain why – those muddled messages maybe. 

There you have it. That’s my day so far, and my small goals. 

I’m sorry Western Medicine.

Dear Western Medicine, Doctors, Nurses, scientists, and all manner of other technicians,

 

I was already stuck in a mental loop, I refer to as hamster-wheeling, over writing this letter. I sat down to word press and found myself drawn to read 2 blog posts before commencing on this letter. Needless to say they only fanned the flames.

If you care to be informed:

Weeds Reads

and

Patient Caps

Now for what I already had been mulling over:

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you. Western medicine, I am mad at you, very upset, and I’ve lost faith in you. I’m sorry if this angers and upsets you. Many of those that I have dealt with, that are supporters of you, make this blatantly clear. I am not supposed to express a dislike of your ways. However, I need to point out that this relationship we have; it’s like the relationship between a lying child and a parent. You can only be lied to so many times before you begin to dis-trust everything that is being said. I have definitely hit that point with you western medicine. Furthermore, I’m not alone in this, many are just like me.

Why, you may ask; it’s a long sad journey that brings me to my current reality. No longer trusting any tag line, any generic description or disclaimer, not trusting anything until I’ve read, researched, and talked with others in depth about it.

When I was 12 years old I went from sightly plump at 105 pounds to 168 obese pounds in about 6 months. My weight gain brought a deluge of bullying from kids in school. I became very depressed immediately. I was hearing my parents discuss my weight, my lack of signs of puberty, my father calling me a tattle-tale-little-bitch and then turning around and questioning my mother as to why I wasn’t menstruating. She took me to the doctor, and they tested my thyroid for the first time. Low side of normal, she’s fine, the weight is just probably a side effect of puberty and will eventually back off, she’ll also eventually start cycling- it might take several years for puberty to fully take effect, and the depression is probably just because of the tormenting kids at school. My mom believed it whole-heartedly and took the news to my father, who informed me I needed to suck it up and ignore the other kids and focus and lose the weight.

I spent the next year sleeping my depression off. That year I spent most days going to school, coming home and doing my homework, eating dinner and going straight to bed. More days than not, I slept 12 hours, still feeling exhausted and depressed when I was awake. That was the first year I contemplated suicide, dreaming of putting my head in the oven or taking too many pills. I decided if an option hurt, it was not really an option, because I was more afraid of the pain than death. Death was the solution to ending my current level of pain. By my 13th birthday I was up to 195 pounds.

The pain and depression continued. By the time I graduated high-school I was 265 pounds and at that point we’d moved 3 more times, and I’d been to 3 more doctors in 3 more states. All of them getting the same lab results and telling me the same thing. My menstrual cycle didn’t start until I was almost 17 and even once it did, it was irregular and excruciatingly painful. My mom would only say, “I don’t know what to tell you kiddo, I had the same problems when I was your age, maybe you’ll grow out of it.”

I went through college in like fashion. Same excruciating pain, heavy flow, exhaustion, and depression, often feeling like I was dragging a 1000 pound body around trying to get through my days. I sought the advice of yet more doctors, first private, then through the University of Iowa, then through the Iowa Cares public assistance program. I had my thyroid tested every time I saw a doctor. Hindsight being 20-20: probably because all of my symptoms pointed that direction. By the time I graduated from college I had seen a dozen doctors and was already being told I was borderline diabetic. Yet, no-one could help me fix anything. I finally went to a shrink, tried Zoloft, tried Paxil. All they did was give me dry mouth, I got more benefit out of taking B-complex vitamins and magnesium- that is, when I could afford them. The bathroom scale by that point hovered between 280 and 295. I was walking miles per week, as by that point I lived rural, and a rural square block was just shy of 4 miles. I did that 3 to 4 times a week. It never helped me loose a pound, but did help me maintain some sanity. When it got cold with winter, I fell, that was the year I almost drove myself into the pond down the street.

When I went back to school for massage I lost about 30 pounds and would hover between 250 and 260. I followed all of the advice I was getting in school. My diet started changing, more veggies, less carbs, lean meat only, cooking meals one day a week so that I could serve up measured portions for the fridge and freezer. I was taking supplements, I was meditating, and via school I was getting 3 massages a week, and giving about 20 massages a week- many deep tissue. All of those good habits and I could never drop below 250.  The depression came back with a vengeance.

I’ve struggled through another 8 years since then. More of the same. I tried Gerson Therapy, which by the way is not only massively difficult, but most western doctors call it quack medicine and the FDA and AMA will not let Gerson Institute set-up shop in the United States. Despite this opinion it was the best luck I’d had yet, enabling me to get back down to 240 and maintain, but I could never drop any lower than that, despite walking a mile or more every day while walking our dog.

I was exhausted trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I loose weight even when I was doing everything that healthy people were supposed to do. Strength was not an issue- I could pick my husband up, and he weighed as much as I did, and do 9 deep-tissue massages a day- though I’d rather not because it took all of my energy to do so.

It was shortly there after we were on an Amtrak train riding to my husband’s sister’s funeral. The funeral was very unexpected because she died after having what seemed like an anxiety attack in which the ER had blown her off as having such, after she died in the waiting area the pathologist never could tell us what actually killed her, but said it was “likely and aneurysm” (though he admitted he couldn’t find evidence of one in autopsy).  Anyway, on the train ride I had a conversation with a woman. The conversation lead to her story that eerily matched mine. She said she finally found a doctor in Colorado that had made some discoveries about thyroid conditions and iodine. She told me what she was taking and how much and what it was helping with. I was so very excited. I had something that I could try, and maybe, just maybe it might help.

After the funeral I went home, found the iodine from kelp and started taking drops in my water. It helped so much I could feel it providing me energy. I would literally get an energy boost 30 min after taking 3 drops. The pounds started melting off.by the end of 90 days I’d lost 45 pounds and got pregnant! Now mind you: I hadn’t been avoiding pregnancy for the previous 8 years. I found it amazing that 3 months of iodine could result in that much weight loss and pregnancy after everything else I’d tried. I simply couldn’t believe it at first.

The pregnancy made me though! When I got pregnant I started having real trouble with blood sugars, but only with certain foods. I was discovering food allergies, but the doctors I saw were not agreeing. They were essentially saying you are just diabetic, take the medicine and insulin and shut up. I kept pointing out with my pages and pages of logs that they refused to read that I could eat sweet potatoes or brown rice and be fine, but other foods were not ok and some things (regular white potatoes) would send my sugars well above 300. I was infuriated. I also pointed out the iodine enabeling pregnancy issue and all they could do was tell me I shouldn’t take iodine because too much would shut the thyroid off. They cited cancer treatments where radioactive iodine is injected near the thyroid to shut the gland down to allow cancer drugs to have more of an effect. I kept pointing out that supplement iodine is ingested not injected, thus taking longer to disperse through your body, and that it is a safer and more stable compound of iodine to begin with. I spoke of information I’d read citing studies where iodine had helped breast cancer and heart disease and intestinal disorders. I kept saying “If it’s so damn bad then why did it help me lose 45 pounds and get pregnant!!!!” They couldn’t respond with anything other than you shouldn’t be taking iodine. I was so infuriated that I told the doctors to eff off. Eventually, I finally found an Endocrinologist that would leave me alone as long as my numbers were good. I used him to be able to get testing supplies covered by medicaid, and that was it. I found a midwife willing to work with me- mainly because of my binder full of logs and blood-work. The midwife helped me finish the pregnancy in tip top shape, helped guide me with iodine intake, and helped monitor my diet and baby’s growth. I gave birth at home in an inflatable birthing tub full of warm water after 12 and a half hours of labor. My baby was beautiful, healthy, full head of hair, and a perfect 7 pounds 14 ounces. I couldn’t have asked for a better non-medical birth it was so perfect and easy! For a first birth I think it went spectacular. Don’t get me wrong there was pain- lots of it, but the water helped, and I had an amazing support team with my midwife at the helm!

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After birth I breastfed for 3 months while taking my encapsulated placenta (something western medicine frowns upon, but I am adamant that it helped me). About 2 months in I started to run out of placenta, spacing out the remainder, and the depression returned. By 3 months I’d completely run out and my breasts quit producing milk. I did everything I could to try and get milk production up: teas, frequent nursing and pumping (at the peak an hour apart), supplements, massage, nothing was helping. Finally, I had a massive fall off, and after almost driving myself off the bridge over the Missouri River, I went back to a doctor for help. Hoping that they would care enough to do something. They tested my thyroid again. My TSH was 80- astronomically high. Her solution was a basic dose of Levothyroxin- 1x per day. It was not nearly enough, and on top of that it had Red40 which causes my asthma to flare. So essentially I was getting less than 4 hours of thyroid relief, and then having to use my inhaler 3 to 4 times a day. When I brought that issue up, they just wanted to try Synthroid, which again I had no ingredient list, and no consultation on possible allergic reactions, and they were going to just do 1 – 2x’s /day. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I went on OverTheCounter natural desiccated thyroid or NDT and told the doctor to eff off again. I increased my iodine intake, but the OTC solution was not perfect- I was still having some symptoms, and it was horribly expensive. Finally after much research and debating with friends, I finally decided to give another doctor a try. This time I went with a referral from a friend and paid cash. He allowed me to try NDT based on symptoms, but said he needed to do blood-work to make sure I didn’t go too far. It’s still very expensive at $265 for 90 days, but it has virtually fixed things.  Finally, at this point I’m mostly OK. I still have dips, induced by my allergies- I’m having a hard time with having enough willpower to eliminate all of my food allergies now that I’ve given birth. It seems making decisions for 2 is the deciding factor for me. I’m tired of hurting and having dips though so I’m working very hard to find that willpower again, and at least now I know what to look for to know I’m starting to have a dip, and I can compensate.

Regardless, doctors have not helped figure out the allergies- I did! Doctors did not figure out the hypothyroid, I did. They didn’t even help sufficiently when I had the really bad fall off after birth, I had to increase using OTC on my own! They haven’t helped with my willpower or desire to fix things, that is all me too! They didn’t help with the depression, they slapped 2 drugs on it and when neither worked all they had for a solution was lets try another. They haven’t done anything for me except cost me hundreds and thousands of dollars throughout my life. They didn’t even get me through a pregnancy safely because when they wouldn’t work with me and acknowledge me as an intelligent person, I found a midwife that would!

Western medicine has failed me time and time again over 22 years, yet I’m supposed to trust it.

I am supposed to believe them when they give me a vaccine with a very vague disclaimer that says “in rare cases persons may have reactions to vaccines, and in very rare cases reactions might be fatal”. Who determines what rare is? What reactions happen when not fatal? Why don’t I get to see actual numbers, especially for each type of reaction? Why, because they don’t even keep track. They might tell you that it’s 1% of the population, but that is based upon the study results, not actual real life occurrences. Even if it was an accurate 1% of the population, 1%  of the United States is currently 3,233,954 people, and of the World it is 731,956,752. I’d hate to be one of those people. And even at 1% that’s a crap ton of people that are “OH WELLS”in the grand scheme of vaccines or any drug for that matter. We are not people: we are numbers. And someone else determines what is a safe risk or not, and no one is concerned about creating any kind of guideline for any drug or vaccine that will help determine if you are going to be in the  “OH WELL” list or the “OK” list. And forget about allergies, good luck asking for ingredients. The doctor didn’t consider my allergies when prescribing the Red40 laced Levothyroxin, I didn’t even get the ingredient list on the first fill. I had to ask for the ingredient list on refill, and then  I had a month’s prescription I didn’t want to take because I knew the Red40 was what was causing my asthma to flare.

And speaking of vaccines, I was given the ultimatum when I suspected I might have either a tetanus infection or a severe allergic reaction that I take the vaccine to receive treatment. If I didn’t take the vaccine I wasn’t going to be treated for tetanus. They didn’t give me the ingredient list even though I asked for it. They didn’t give me details or numbers, only that vague risk description I stated above. And after the injection, then they gave me the breathing treatment and antibiotics. In reality, to cure tetanus in modern medicine they could have skipped straight to the breathing treatment and antibiotics and never touched the vaccine. And that is if tetanus is known to be the infection, they never actually tested me to find out if it was tetanus or allergic reaction. Yet, I was given no choice other than take the vaccine or walk out of the hospital and risk not living.

In my experience, any time that someone is willing to cut corners and avoid disclosing information– it is for a reason!  It doesn’t matter if it is a divorce, business deal, trade transaction, product marketing, or medical concern, if information is undisclosed they are hiding something.

In my situation I feel that vaccine caused my already severe allergies to get worse. I have no idea what all was in that vaccine, but I’ve had worse allergies ever since.

I am educated, I know 3 things:

1) Vaccines are intended to force your immune system to work, in effort to prevent illness due to a specified disease.

2) Allergies are your immune system over-reacting to inanimate objects in your blood stream or body, be they food particles, pollen, mold spores, dust particles, or chemicals.

3) Vaccines have many more ingredients than they used to, and many ingredients are completely unrelated to the effect of the vaccine at all.

This is an ingredient list for some tetanus vaccines found on :

Vaccines.procon.org

 26. TD Vaccine
(tetanus & diphtheria)
PROPER NAME
COMMERCIAL NAME
(click for package insert)
MANUFACTURER
PACKAGE INSERT DATE
GROWTH MEDIUMS & PROCESS INGREDIENTS VACCINE INGREDIENTS
(not in order of quantity; see package insert for quantities)
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids Adsorbed For Adult Use
DECAVAC
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
Mar. 2011
Mueller and Miller medium, peptone-based medium, extract of bovine muscle tissue,formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate thimerosal, aluminum potassium sulfate adjuvant, residual formaldehyde
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids Adsorbed For Adult Use
TENIVAC
Sanofi Pasteur, Ltd.
Dec. 2010
modified Mueller-Miller casamino acid medium without beef heart infusion, formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate, modified Mueller’s growth medium,aluminum phosphate, 2-phenoxyethanol, sodium chloride aluminum phosphate, residual formaldehyde, 2-phenoxyethanol, sodium chloride, water for injection
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids, Adsorbed
Mass Biologics
Feb. 2011
modified Mueller’s media(contains bovine extracts),formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate,aluminum phosphate aluminum adjuvant, residual formaldehyde, thimerosal
Tetanus Toxoid
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
Dec. 2005
peptone-based medium,formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate, physiological saline solution thimerosal, formaldehyde
Tetanus Toxoid Absorbed
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
July 2005
peptone-based medium (contains extract of bovine muscle tissue),formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate,aluminum potassium sulfate (alum) thimerosal, physiological saline solution

Why is it that I have to look this information up online after receiving the offensive vaccine, and it is not provided in the office in which the injection is received? I don’t even know if the vaccine I received is one of these or another that is not listed, they gave me that little information on it. I believe that is wrong, especially since I requested an ingredient list while sitting there trying to decide what I was going to do.

Regardless, what all of this boils down to, is less about the physical and more about the interpersonal and legal. If any one of the doctors over the last 22 years had listened to me or my mother and actually put forth effort to help me, I may have never spent 22 years in pain and battling depression. If any one doctor had stepped up and really cared about the depression as a symptom I could have had real lasting treatment. What if I had lost the battle to depression? Would anyone have cared or even known that it was a medically based issue? Or would they be doing what people did with Robin Williams and other suicide victims. It is not selfish when your brain is malfunctioning and misfiring causing the depression and resulting suicidal thoughts. Robin William’s wife has come out and stated he had Lewy-Body, that is the same if not worse than Thyroid related depression. My heart goes out to him and his struggles, especially knowing that Western Medicine doesn’t really care about fixing the problem if they can continue to milk you for your money. Yet, society repeatedly called him selfish. If you only knew what it was like to be in that place you would never utter those words. Depression is not selfish, when you are the one dealing with it, all you want is out and when no-one can help you out, then you are left facing the fact that death might really be the only way out.

That’s interpersonal, that is a real issue that is being ignored. Then legally, doctors are allowed to over-ride decisions made by people if they decide it is their prerogative to do so. Doctors can decided for you if you are treated, how you are treated, what you are treated with, and if you decided you don’t like their choices they can make life hell for you or your family, or you simply have to start over and find a new doctor. I think that is wrong. Be it a cancer patient choosing not to do chemo, a parent choosing not to vaccinate, a depression patient begging for real solutions instead of randomly trying any one of a number of psych drugs that may not solve the problem if depression is merely a symptom (as in my case), or a patient wanting a drug that will solve the problem without creating another through allergic reactions (Levo). Patients, or in children’s cases- parents, should have the final decision, and ALL of the information should be provided to make an informed decision.

I am literally begging for western medicine to hear me, because the real problem is that I want western medicine to find solutions. I want to have a trusting relationship with western medicine. I want to believe that doctors really do care about me as a person and not just the numbers of my labs or the numbers I represent statistically. I know that if I broke a bone or had a heart defect, western medicine could step in quickly and effectively and fix that problem. But that is where my faith in doctors stops. I’ve worked on too many people that have had 3 and 4 back surgeries to still have pain.

I currently work on someone that had a car accident 5 years ago. She’s had 3 back surgeries, had both shoulders worked on and then replaced, both knees worked on and then replaced. Yet she is still in massive amounts of pain and unable to function normally. She’s loosing her teeth, loosing her hair, can’t turn her head more than 30 degrees to either side, yet she still has faith that the doctors will find her some healing. I’m doubtful.

I want western medicine to quit milking the American people and find real solutions. You are telling me that in 100 years we’ve gone from steam engines and no electricity to computers that can speak and listen and are the size of your hand and make phone calls. But in that same time the only things we have definitively done in healthcare is perfect mending bones and removing/transplanting organs. We can’t cure most diseases, because even bacteria are becoming resistant to antibiotics. We have multiple diseases (diabetes, asthma, heart disease, COPD, AIDS, and a variety of Cancers/Leukemias) that are so unsolved that they have moved into the realm of permanent money makes for Western Medicine, that is unless the patient dies from the disease. I’ve known people that went into remission with cancer 3 times before finally ceasing to live through the treatments. I know someone now that has type 1 diabetes from a childhood illness, and she’s had an insulin pump for as long as they have existed, currently spending $1500 a month for her insulin and other diabetic supplies. It is wrong. I want medicine to work, I want doctors to listen to their patients and care, I want medicine to fulfill it’s promises, I want medicine to care about people not numbers and money. Medicine is supposed to “First Do No Harm”, well, I think it’s failing at that.

I am obviously very passionate about this issue, and I’m sorry if you don’t agree with me. However, I find that most people that disagree with me have never had any significant issues to deal with. They haven’t spent 22 years trying to solve an invisible problem. So in a way, I’m happy for them, and I hope they continue to have such wonderful health. I just wish they would understand why I feel they way I do, and quit trying to argue with me that western medicine is great. It’s only great if you don’t really have anything invisible to deal with. If it’s a bone, or an organ that needs repaired- they’ve got you, you’re good to go. Otherwise, it’s a hopeless battle to figure it out on your own and hope you can find one anomaly of a doctor to agree to let you try what you want.

May you all have wonderful health, and never find yourself in a 22 year long hopeless battle!

Slow going progress.

So I’ve been a bit behind the last 2 weeks. Between trying to find a good dosage of my thyroid meds and just being overwhelmed and overworked, I just haven’t had the energy to sit down and blog. Since that is the case, I figured I better use my computer- that’s right all of my previous blogs were from my phone! Anyway, I thought that might just be safer and produce words more quickly.

So, update on the progress we’ve made over the last 2 weeks. Last I wrote, I believe we had almost finished demolishing the interior walls. Here are a few shots of that, which my Husband took.

That last picture there was us trying to move the piano over. It was HEAVY! So needless to say we didn’t get anywhere with that.

The following week we did actually finish taking down all of the interior walls. Nothing left but the outside walls!

The bathroom was the hardest. We wanted to remove everything except the plumbing, mainly because I’m salvaging that to save money. So, we had to be very careful to get all of the fixtures down- electric and plumbing, and then walls down, without damaging the pipes. It didn’t help that at some point(s) the tub was “re-done”, and there were literally layers of paneling with a base of plywood. All water damaged. One layer of paneling was the painted fake tile- not actually water resistant, by the way. So, it was crumbly and moldy, but attached to the plywood with liquid nails. I found that extra interesting because despite the corners that were cut with placing the paneling, no such luck was in play with the plywood itself- I counted 14: 3 inch screws that took multiple rounds of sledging from both myself and Nathan before they finally turned loose. The most hilarious part is once we finally got that wall down, the floor was toast. The sub-floor had rotted years ago and was “fixed” on either side of the wall with patches of plywood, so when the wall came down we could literally see the ground below.

Needless to say, as to be expected with any project like this, you always discover things needing attention that you might otherwise have hoped would be fine. In this case, I tallied up about 6 sheets worth of sub-floor needing replaced. I don’t do things half-ass-ed, never have, and I’m not going to start now. If it needs done, so be it. It might just take me a little longer to get everything paid for and completed.

Then following that, we (Nathan and I only) proceeded to rip down the insides of the Exterior Walls. The first sheet of paneling came down exposing the insulation- we’d already put on the respirators in preparation for that. I still don’t want to risk asbestos exposure. All this work, I better get to enjoy this into ripe old age. Then we pulled down a second sheet of paneling to make insulation removal easier.

Ok, got the contractor bags out and set up the bag stand so we could just roll up the old insulation and put it directly into bags. Great! Lets Go! Pull out the first piece of insulation….. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! WTF! WHAT am I looking at?

This:

That means that in the 1970’s trailers were built far below current construction req’s. Just so you know, current standards are: you build your stud walls, coat them in plywood, then wrap the outside of the plywood in plastic sheeting such as TyVek or similar, and then put up the exterior covering- be it vinyl, metal or wood siding. So, again I see myself adding up new figures. 66 sheets of plywood that I hadn’t thought I would need- roughly $700 worth. Yippie! Right?!

Ok, so keep going. We wrap around the end of the trailer to the opposite long side, when we get a fourth of the way down that side, we realize that we’re looking at dimples all over the siding.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

We go outside, the whole north side (long side) is covered in them, and a couple of them were so deep that they broke through the siding. I hadn’t noticed them before, but I hadn’t really examined that side of the house very well, only having been on that side a few times. We ask; they tell us about 4 years ago there was a storm that went through with fist-sized spiky-hail. It had broken all of the windows on that side, so they were fixed with plexi-glass, but the siding was left alone.

So, now I have a decision, keep what’s good of the siding and try to find some that matches enough for a good coat of paint, or just replace all of the siding. That would mean that everything would be brand new, exactly what we want, and have a very long life span; it would also mean that I’ve got another couple thousand dollars of materials to pay for. I like the latter better, but ARGH, REALLY- more money to spend. Like I need more things to figure out how/when to pay for them. Oh well, I guess.

So, keep on trucking. We did as much as we could that day, and realized that things need moved to finish tear down of the interior. The next work day, we got help, borrowed a trailer, and moved the enormous super heavy piano, deep freeze, barrel of grain, and massive cast iron cook stove out of the trailer and into storage. That was enough work for one day- I was exhausted, did I mention they were HEAVY? The up side, the trailer was looking very sparse. The only objects remaining: fridge, stove, water-heater/pressure-tank, Jacuzzi & sinks, Wood Heat Stove, and construction materials/tools. Now we’re getting somewhere.

The next day, we went to a different friend’s house to work on cutting down a dead tree to build up our wood stores for next winter.

 

That’s the first felled part of the tree on the left- there’s about 6 more trunks of the cluster to be felled yet. On the right: the piles are what we had done after about 3 hours of cutting and cleaning up. I didn’t take a photo of the tiny twigs- that pile was huge, but at least we’ll have plenty of kindling. Anyway, we only did the 3 hours, because after moving heavy stuff the day before, that was all we could handle physically. I promised them we’d be back on the following Monday to finish that part, and that we’d keep working on the whole tree until it was all down. I made such a promise because I know we’ll need the wood next winter. Might as well plan ahead and have seasoned wood for just the cost of labor. My estimates are that we’ll end up with enough for us, and then possibly enough extra for the friend that gave us the trailer. That’s good.

So, slow progress. My goal is to finish tear down this Sunday, and get sub-floor repair and plumbing started the following. We only have 3 workable weekends left if we’re still moving April 1st, so this Sunday will determine that. If we can’t finish tear down this Sunday, I will probably have to postpone the move date- an idea I detest, especially since I don’t know if our landlord would be willing to pro-rate for half a month. I really don’t want to stay  a whole month longer.

Keep those fingers crossed for us!

Finally it’s here!

Just got home, & Voi La: my medicine is finally here! Just in the knick of time.

At lunch I took another round of OTC bovine thyroid & iodine.  Again,  not ideal,  but better than nothing right.  Maybe, maybe not: my feet became swollen & felt like they were on fire, I was as fatigued as ever,  & as my work day came to a close my legs stated cramping & my heart started hurting.

I took the first dose of my new prescription  as soon as I got the box open,  & 30 min later I began feeling relief. It was almost as though something cool was traveling through my veins,  providing relief.  As I wrote  this,  my left foot is still uncomfortable, & there are just remnants of chest pain. 

I have suspected that the OTC desiccated  thyroid,  which is from bovine sources, may  be higher in T4 than prescription grade porcine thyroid.  Mainly because it gives me many of the symptoms of Levothyroxin, including hot flashes & anger, but not necessarily the symptoms of excess or hyperthyroidism like itchy hives.

I wondered if any of my sources had specifically addressed this,  and though I didn’t get that exact response, I did find an interesting article explaining why T4 vs T3 can still leave a hypothyroid person in big trouble. Here: I follow Hypothyroid Mom, & she filled in a gap in knowledge for me.  My heart pain was literally my heart begging for T3, & not getting it,  despite taking all my OTC stuff.

So now I know that I am probably not converting T4 to T3 well, & should be looking at my T3 levels much more closely. Another piece of  the puzzle coming together,  but so many more to go. Like, will I need a script for just T3?

I was just thinking earlier  today that the wonderful thing about ignorance is that you have no need or desire to examine the causes, let alone find any solutions for anything you are dealing with.

My thyroid journey began with a ride on  an Amtrak train,  meeting a woman who had a story uncannily similar to mine, same weight problems & depression cycles for years.  Telling me she met a doctor from Colorado that discovered a new type of hypothyroid that was being missed by most doctors because  traditional reading of lab results.

Though I don’t remember details of that conversation well,  I do  know it is what spurred me  to try iodine,  which literally got the ball rolling for  me.

The downside of coming out of ignorance though is that you are suddenly thrust into a giant puzzle of cause,  effect,  & searches for solutions.  Not  only do you now have a desire to figure some things out,  it brings your attention to the problem so clearly that you need to figure out the solutions as fast as possible to avoid intensifying the anguish and misery of your own predicament.

This also occurred with allergies for me.  Growing up I always had allergies,  as long as I can remember anyway.  Having to get shots to make it through the fall.  One year mom paid nearly a thousand dollars for a round of skin prick testing.  Results: several pollens, mold spores, & male cat dander. No problem right,  take your allergy  medicine,  avoid the triggers,  & you should be fine- ignorance is bliss- sort  of!

We never had male cats,   & during my worst seasonal allergy periods,  my mom would keep me in air conditioning & prevent me from doing any yard work. Religious,  she was, about making me take my allergy medicine too. With all of  that, I essentially spent my entire adolescence with stuffed up runny  noses,  red itchy eyes,  & many sinus infections.

Finally,  when I was a freshman in college,  I read an article about how many people with unending seasonal allergies,  really are experiencing a full body auto-immune allergy overload because of dietary allergies. I had no idea it was possible,  but instantly bells went off and all I could think was “is this why mine never go away? ”
Yanked immediately out of  my comfortable ignorance,  I started examining things I was doing,  working   with,  & eating to try & determine if that was truly the case.

It was months until I definitively found one – the first to be obvious was Red 40. I noticed every serving of food with it was followed by asthma symptoms.  The more Red, the more asthma. Good bye.

Then rye, it caused bloating something fierce, & all manner of What is NOW called IBS. Good bye.

Then it seemed like things were mostly better.  I quit searching.  Until,  that is, I got pregnant- thanks to the train lady suggesting Iodine,  actually working.

Pregnancy,  as many women know,  amplifies any issues you may have. Brings them to the surface and forces you to deal with them one way or another.

I was determined to have a healthy home birth,  so that meant hard work, & quickly.  Blood sugars, led to food journals. Journals led to patterns- allergies presenting.  Essentially every time I ate an allergen,  blood sugars spiked. One doctor finally admitting that allergies are  an immune response,  a stress on your system,  and any stress of  that sort will spike blood sugars. He admitted that might be the case,  only because I would have high readings & low readings with the same number of carbs,  & high readings were only with certain foods.

Knock out those foods: corn, potatoes,  tomatoes,  green peppers, wheat, & soy. Suddenly,  I can eat as much as I want all day long.  So long as none of those are in the mix.

Obviously,  I got my healthy home birth,  & happy healthy baby.

I fudge now & then,  but I’m learning that’s not such a good idea.  Even though wheat  isn’t my worst allergy for symptoms,  it sure makes controlling my thyroid harder.  Do you know how many things have wheat in them? !
Essentially,  if I stick to my allergen list,  I can’t eat hardly anything that comes  pre-packaged. Most gluten free items contain corn or potatoes,  or  both.
So,  behaving means: lots of salads,  home  cooked everything,  making my own sauces and dressings,  mostly veggies,  quinoa & Brown or wild rice are ok, & lots of fresh juices & green drinks.  It’s a lot of work – & most definitely not cheap!  I wouldn’t wish my plight on anyone,  yet I know I’m not alone.

I have my beliefs on the cause of  this whole mess called my life,  but they’re controversial,  so I’ll leave that for another day. Just know if you are reading this & resonating or “feeling” what I’m saying – you are not alone.  We’ll get through this together.  For now,  at least I have desiccated  thyroid,  & a doctor willing to work with me to find the best dosage, and/or solution. I hope you all find at least that piece of your puzzle.

Tired owner of a Jacuzzi

image

That’s me today.  Very fatigued, but content,  working on happy.

A little background.  I’ve been told dozens of time in my life: ” your thyroid is low side of normal,  no need to treat”. In reality it was being under treated.  Long story, short: I began self-treating with iodine,  lost  45 pounds,  got pregnant,  delivered a healthy baby boy & discovered I’d lost another 60 during the pregnancy. A year and a half later my boy is so smart he’s  doing things that some kids don’t  get to until they are 3. Finally docs are taking me seriously and treating my hypothyroid based on symptoms not the numbers of my bloodwork.

So, why tired?  I ran out of my last med,  & even though I saw the doctor over a week ago,  still don’t have my new meds. I have to order from an online pharmacy to be able to afford my meds without Rx coverage (I’m on the cheapest affordable care act insurance & it doesn’t cover anything until I’ve spent $13,000). The new doc is letting me  switch from Levothyroxin, which had red40 in it & was causing asthma attacks,  to desiccated thyroid. I’m excited because the desiccated thyroid actually has all of the thyroid hormones including calcitonin,  where Levo is just T4. It should be much better all around once I figure out the correct dose based on  symptom elimination – something I’m very grateful this doctor is allowing me to do.

So anyway,  until the desiccated shows up in the mail, all I’ve got is OTC stuff that helps, but is by no means a complete fix. Which means tired,  irritable, mood swing momma.

The upside, I did have enough energy for a short walk,  & now…. to pick up our tub.

We have a minivan.  The lady rolling out the tub with a pallet-jack gave me that  “you gotta be kidding me” look.  We’d already prepped the van,  & my husband & I just picked it up (it’s the fiberglass model) & started to shove it in.
Then it caught the top of the hatch. … alright,  tip it, now it caught the back seat.  Ousted Anya (daughter) & folded the seat down.  It slid right in,  & once inside- shifted enough to put her seat back up. She grumbled about getting stuck there until the tub was out & we said yep.  Then I reminded her that everyone,  including her grumbly butt, would get to use it. We even used blankets to pad it so it wouldn’t shift onto her or Ian (son).   

image

She still looks grumbly, but I’m happy. Ian however,  slept through the whole thing.

One step closer.

Oh, and I just got offered a gig that’s 4 hours a day providing 2 grand a month – that’ll pretty much double our income. It doesn’t start for at least a month,  but every bit will help.

Despite the size of this undertaking,  & the myriad of details to work out,  I’m feeling content at the moment. *sigh*