Tag Archives: fear

Release a Big Negative

I realized that I need to process and release something I’ve been avoiding for a short bit. I need to let it go so that it doesn’t get bigger.

1st- name the fear and give genuine apology for the fear:

What is it?

Why have I been focusing so much on love and relationships when my husband is right in front of me?

The answer: I’m scared as all hell that I might loose him. I’m petrified that his state of being might not ever improve. I’m scared shitless that he might die long before I’m ready.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I have seen him go from stable of 11 years to not so stable the last 2 months, and I’m really worried.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m concerned that sooner than later, I’ll have to work all day and go home to greiving children. The teen will disappear because she’s overwhelmed and needs her space to grieve, so I’ll be left to cook and clean and do all the things Nathan would have done. I’ll have to function through grief while doing twice the work I am now. It really scares me. It scares me most because I won’t have the time or space to help my own children through the loss, and there would be no one to help me.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m sorry for even the aspects I couldn’t put words to here. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

2nd- let the fear go:

Like Ang in “Avatar, the Last Air Bender”. To heal anything, to heal everything, attachments must be released. Fear only holds us back. You have to completely let go and begin to see the truth.

3rd- find the deeper truth of inner spirit:

Nathan himself is a divine creator with a connection to his source. He knows how to find his own alignment and has been great at it at times. Nathan has the ability to heal as much as anyone. Being afraid that he might die is preventing focus fromm being on his ability to heal. He has free will and can choose anything he wants, but I know he loves me and wants to be there for me. I want to encourage him and help him to find himself.

Regardless of worst case scenario, Nathan is an eternal being and will always be with me if I chose. Also, I am a divine creator and I give my power away when I create negative situations like that. I have always found a way through every challenge that has come at me and this would be no different. I am strong, my kids are strong and we would make it through.

I like feeling my inner being and the knowing that comes with it. There is always a solution. My focus on love and relationships is a good thing because it helps to attract what I really want. I love the idea of Nathan healing and getting better. I love the idea of having additional life partners. I love the idea that we have a safety net and a easy way through every challenge. I like knowing that regardless of anything the divine loves and supports me. God protects me and keeps me safe if I let the positive flow in.

I love healing energy and I love being able to flow enough healing energy to help myself and all those around me whom I love. I know I will have all the support I need if the time should ever come to need it. I am hopeful that everything will turn around and heal into a bright wonderful future.

4th- blessings abound and bring more:

May you never have fears sneak up on you. May you find a way to release every fear. May you know that you are doing your best and that eventually it will lead to better and better, faster and faster. May you know that you can overcome anything that might be holding you back. May your healing energy flow strongly always, and benefit yourself and everyone around you. May you begin to see the miracles that life can bring all around you. May you find a way to eliminate all of the negatives in your awareness, so your focus is solely on the positives. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Scared of the dark.

This video reminded me of 2 things. My childhood fear of the dark, and my nearly lifelong battle with depression and disease.

I felt it was a really good metaphor for the latter. Sometimes shining a little light can sooth the emotions, but when that fails you just need to figure out why the darkness is there. It has a reason and once you know the reason it’s easier to see the light and the good in it.

May you never be afraid of the dark. May you always see the light. May you be understanding with yourself and others when learning to navigate the darkness. May you find ways to soothe every fear and find strength in your knowing. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Why Live?

I am a little confused and frankly a bit angry with God at the moment.

Abraham has been quite clear over the years that if you raise your vibration, then people that are too far outside of your vibration are supposed to be deterred energetically. The vibrations bounce off of each other and you simply fail to connect.

Yet my daily experience is not showing that yet.

I have been over the “C” word for quite some time now. I am not afraid of sickness at all and frankly I’m quite perturbed that a system seemingly enjoying and profiting off of ill health (frequently caused by viral infections) seems to care less about actually solving viral diseases, especially from the ‘you caught it, now what’ side.¬† Particularly since we have many that are carried lifelong and do more damage than this silly one does, and many of those known systemic assassins are horribly under diagnosed and severely mis-treated or un-treated. My own health journey has demonstrated that in a huge way, and I still have more hope through alternatives than western medicine even pretends to offer. I think that all this nonsense is just that, and I’m done giving a flying eff about it.

Yes it’s another disease, yes it’s going to kill people, get over it, and if you want to be an effing scardy cat leave me out of it.

Yet, I keep interacting with them. I dropped my two ladies like a bad habit when I hit my limit with their spouting nonsense, and today I got a replacement at the office.

At one point after saying “I simply can’t live in fear anymore”, he decided to argue that it isn’t fear. I literally started repeating “I’m done talking now, I’ll stop talking now, please stop talking.” After several repetitions, he merely paused for 30 seconds before he started trying to argue at me. I didn’t respond and let him rant at me while I finished the last 10 minutes of his 30 minute back massage. I was glad I was wearing a mask because I’m certain I breathed fire at one point towards the end- my inner dragon definitely tried to rear it’s head.

Here’s the deal, if you’re in a place where you feel the need to rant at a massage therapist, the massage is probably months overdue, and why did you even bother. It was obvious that my role there was not to fix muscle tension, as he was quite comfortable with it and didn’t want to let go of anything long enough to solve the muscle tension. No, he wanted a captive whipping boy, and I’m good enough at taking abuse from men that I didn’t end the session and walk out. I suppose that was my vibrational lapse. Thanks dad.

But that takes me to my last point: if you feel the need to argue with a complete stranger that you sought out for help, there’s probably a greater problem within you that you are not acknowledging. No stranger should ever be subjected to your desire for a fight, but it seems that the world is set on destroying each other at the most rapid pace possible. It’s not bad enough we have viral diseases that can cause cancer, it’s not bad enough that we have other cancers that kill people regularly, it’s not bad enough we have rampant heart disease, it’s not bad enough you could die from any one of several viral/parasitic/bacterial diseases, it’s not bad enough that we could die in an accident at any time- no, let’s find new and more ways to stir and continue fights and kill each other off. Let’s get creative on the attacks and methods of destruction for our own race. Let’s enjoy making explosive toys that take lives and ruin history for humanity. That’s a great idea.

After the 30 minute massage under duress, I spent the following hour fuming. All his arguing only pissed me off, but I’ve got enough sense now, that I ranted to myself on a drive home and let it go (mostly, I’m hoping this finishes it off). None of what he said changed my mind, none of what he said persuaded me to feel differently about this disease, and OH he tried. He really wanted to scare me, he did his best. He gave me every excuse, every lame scare tactic, every ‘chicken-little sky-is-falling’ line he could think of. He thought I had bought into political antics over it and started to rant about “listen to the politicians” at which point I calmly stated¬† “oh, I don’t listen to any of those ass-hats on either side”. He stammered and continued to rant at me about everything he could think of.

I sincerely hope he never comes back.

The one thing I didn’t say, that I later wished I had is: “Why are you so afraid of dieing from covid when there’s little if anything to live for right now?”

It’s a question I posed to God in the hour after during my solitary releasing rant.

I don’t get the point of it all. On one hand God wants you to see the value of living and our reason for being here, but on the other hand I continue to be inundated by fear mongerers when I have done my level best to distance myself from them.

I struggle to see reasons to keep reaching and living.

I have a beautiful family I deeply care for, but we can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything fun, have no life to speak of. My two toddlers have gotten to go to playgrounds 3 times in the last 7 months and they were all recently, right before the weather turned cold. I spend 6 to 7 days a week wearing a mask and only seeing clients. I haven’t seen smiles on anyone’s faces for most of the year. The only child in my family to see friends was the teen, and she’s only had a few such instances.

Movie theatres have closed, restaurants are barely functional unless you can tolerate weather to sit outside. Businesses I used to frequent have gone belly up and that’s just the local small ones. Several long-standing national chains have gone belly up and others have downsized to the extreme. Malls are functioning at fractional capacity, and everywhere you turn people are ducking away from each other.

This is not life. This is not a world worth living in. Everyone is so afraid of catching a new disease that every other part of our enjoyable existence has crumbled.

If you’re not a hardcore outdoorsy type willing to be outside in any weather, then your options became severely limited. But then again, there’s the giant plume of smoke to encourage people to stay inside anyways. I have been outside more than my family because I simply must have daylight and exercise, so I went for many long walks in parks alone. I pushed my family to do likewise, but they like most of America chose to stay safe and stay home, mostly inside, an hour or two of backyard play a day.

It’s quite sad and disheartening, and I am far more worried about the fate of humanity than my own life in regards to a stupid virus.

I told God, instead of continuing to torture me an my family indefinitely, he could just take us out. God could literally align us with a quick easy exit in seconds, and frankly I think I’m okay with that at this point. I’d much rather have an exit for my family than more of this shit.

Medical systems more concerned about money and politics, than solving disease.

Political systems more concerned about money and war, than solving problems for their constituents.

General populations more concerned with fighting each other and picking sides, then coming together for real compromise based solutions.

Weapons of mass destruction becoming bigger, stronger, more plentiful, more easily accessible, more readily used on each other, and people finding enjoyment in that. Buy all the guns, bigger, shinier, more powerful, and make sure you practice with them. Tell yourselves it’s for the apacolypse, just in case the zombies get you, but ignore the fact that your toys invite reasons to use them.

Race wars, gender wars, marriage rights wars, money wars, political wars, religious wars. Could we possibly invent more reasons to go to war? Don’t answer that. There are enough in my awareness as it is.

It’s all too much, and the good smear is wearing very thin. I really, really have to focus, all day, every day, to see the good in my existence.

It’s becoming more and more challenging and I’ve worked so hard to get this far. I was promised that if I worked at focusing on the good, that eventually it would get easier, yet it never does. Every day seems to get harder and harder to stay focused on the positives. WTF God?!?!


Today I watched cartoons with the kids. We perched in the recliner in front of the fireplace and there were two kids and two cats surrounding me. The recliner couldn’t hold any more if I’d have wanted it to. It was a good moment, and one that stemmed from a strong desire to see good in my world. It was a happy moment.

I really need God to understand that my segment of the matrix really must start showing improvement or I’d rather exit. Unfortunately, I am in the distinct awareness that if I exit, my family is quite doomed and thus if the matrix doesn’t improve then God really must take us all.

There really must be a reason to keep fighting the good fight, to keep reaching for better. There must be a life worth living and enjoying.

I don’t need anyone trying to convince me to live hiding in fear, I need more people willing to live fully. I need positive aware people in my experience. I need open minded solution oriented people in my experience. I need people willing to love and be loved and to work themselves towards better. I need people working on their own thoughts and beliefs to raise their vibrations and reach for better. I need to see improvement that I have worked so hard to find to start manifesting around me.


May you have reasons to live. May others let you live in peace. May you see mostly good. May you enjoy your experience mostly. May the negativity and negatives die. May you know you are supported and that the only thing to fear is fear itself. May your efforts matter and may unwanted experiences bounce off of you.

Siva Hir Su