Tag Archives: fears

It’s a just a virus.

So, it’s just a virus, in fact being compared to the flu quite frequently. Respiratory complications the worst symptom. We have the flu circulate every year. We have tools to treat all the symptoms even/especially respiratory symptoms. We know how to sanitize and reduce transmission rate without shutting society down. Good hygiene with oneself and environment goes miles. Self-policing coughs and other manifestations of symptoms (throw tissues away and empty your own trash, etc.) also goes miles.

It was suggested this is a ploy to shut elections down, and I sincerely hope that’s not the case. I also sincerely hope people come to their senses before homes start foreclosing left and right. I think people will when they realize if they don’t work they can’t pay bills. I hope companies will when they realize their equivalent: if work doesn’t get done then companies have to close.

Here is the deal:

  • I am grateful to be alive.
  • Repeat that.
  • I have lost far more people to cancer in my social circles than any other cause of death.
  • Pneumonia and car accidents tie for a close second, mainly because I work with old people that succumb to any kind of pneumonia easily, and car accidents affect all people of every age.
  • My husband has a heart condition. He literally could die of a heart attack or stroke any day.
  • I could die of any of them, especially cancer (see my post from last night), not to mention complications from any female reproductive concerns ranging from endometriosis to birth problems.
  • I am grateful to be alive.
  • I simply can’t spend all day everyday in fear of something only slightly worse than the flu which circulates every year.
  • I can’t afford to spend all day everyday in fear of anything.
  • I am grateful to be alive.
  • The fear itself is worse than any disease or possible cause of death (of which there are many). Fear literally eats your body from the inside out. The chemistry involved in long-term fear, anger, or any stress causes far more diseases than any virus. That chemistry has already been proven to lead to several types of cancer and other degenerative diseases and weakens your immune system. It’s probably a major factor in my own thyroid struggles.
  • I have to focus on being grateful to be alive.
  • I have to acknowledge all of the many experiences I have lived through that others died from, especially all the years I did get the flu, but also times like when I was almost smashed to smitherines by a semi truck.

We live in a global society. Learn good hygiene. Learn to help keep every environment clean. Learn to appreciate all of the many things that could have killed you and didn’t. Learn to reduce transmission without becoming anti-social. Learn to acknowledge that touching each other, especially hugs and handshakes, is worth the risk of possibly catching something. Learn that even in a hug or handshake, you can still do things to avoid catching an illness (wash hands, don’t touch your own eyes, etc.). Learn that life will be miserable for everyone if we continue to ostricize each other out of fear of the what if.

What if this really is a ploy to shut elections down, do you want our government(s) to do that? What if this is a ploy to create so much fear we all end up with illnesses far worse, do you want to fall for it? You have to police yourself and know it’s going to be alright. Acknowledge you could die of thousands of causes but that your body is resilient and you do many many things to help prevent that.

We are safer than they want us to believe. God needs us to know it.

May you be healthy and social. May you rise above fear. May you ease your system with gratitude. May you find the positive answers you seek. May you find the healing you seek. May you feel loved and supported. May you have the work you desire and adequate compensation to feel abundant. May you have less stress and more love for a healthy body inside and out. May your knowing be more like that of God’s, and help you feel safe and secure.

Siva Hir Su

Love and Bro-mance

I love my husband. Very, very much. Last night I got caught in an illusion of fear.  Fear of losing him.  It was in the midst of a panic attack, which hindsight probably means I can drop my thyroid dose again. I’m testing  that theory today. 

Regardless,  the panic felt real.  It felt concrete.  It felt like impending doom.

Yet the positive side of  that was a strong desire to cling to him and tell him every thing that I love and charish about him.

I explained to him that all of my frustrations & upsets and none of them are enough to want to let go of him. I told him I loved his smile, his beautiful eyes, his strong arms. I loved his desire to right wrongs, his compassion. I love that he is smart and creative.  I love that he is kind,  gentle,  and a good dad.  I love that he is open minded and truly appreciates women. I love that he has stood up for women’s rights and done his best to help change the world. I love that he is passionate about certain things. And above all I love his desire to have  a great big loving family under one roof. I told him ALL the details about why I love him.

I said that I hoped one day we still get our poly family because I rather enjoyed thinking about the possible interactions when I thought we had partner(s) inbound. I told him how I knew there would be good times because he’s so easy going that if another man was in our lives he’d probably end up making such good friends that his bro-mance might overshawdow my loving commitment. 

I told him how I had already imagined that I’d go ask one of them to do something with me & that they would look at each other and say “sorry we already made plans to go do…”. It makes me smile and laugh to think of things like that.

I also thanked him again for being so strong to pull me out of dark places.  I thanked him for being understanding and being good with conflict (I  qualified that with: just work on your skills of verbalizing what’s in your head). I told him about how I figured he would be the best intermediary keeping our family together and talking  to one another.  He’s a good balanced ambassador & mediator. I also found light in his prospective reactions when I would have created some silly conflict because of my stubbornness (which is usually the case); he’d probably laugh at us and walk away to watch from a distance. The comedic possibilities are endless when acknowledging love at being the glue in a family. 

 Ultimately,  I really love my husband and I  hope to one day see all of our dreams come true. So today I focus on that, and him being happy and healthy. I will still think of those bro-mance moments,  but perhaps a little more generalized than when they first came to mind, and maybe there will be another woman too. That would be nice. 

Polyamory will not absolve you nor vanquish fears.

Lately, I have been struck many times with an overwhelming feeling of love for my husband and for my online friend. I sense many good things coming from that connection, though it seems to be definitely testing my patience greatly. Regardless, I know in my heart that I love them both, in a strong overwhelming, passionate way. That is truly amazing to me!

I have hypothesized for over a decade that it was possible to be “truly, madly, deeply” in love with multiple people. At certain points I found myself saying that I loved a partner in addition to Nathan, but thinking it was more of a familial love, not in love, not passionate and all consuming, not the kind of twitter-pated love which I was longing and looking for.

For you see, our hearts are as infinite with love as the Divine. We can love unconditionally as easily as waking up in the morning, if we allow ourselves. I know because it tends to be the thing that causes me grief. I give love freely. If someone shows me respect and contributes to my life in a meaningful manner, I almost can’t help loving them. They have shown me that they care enough to be genuine, honest, and helpful, and that wins my heart over every time. My heart is always inclined to reciprocate.

The grief comes in when I’m already over extended, already stretched too thin; and trying to accommodate one more request, one more thing that someone needs help with; simply because I have already put them in my heart. I find myself juggling an impossible task list making promises to those I love, those I’ve let in my heart, hoping beyond all hope that I will manage to get it all done in a timely fashion and before I collapse from lack of energy, all the while praying that great fortunes befall me so I can just pay for outside help to accomplish everything. That is my biggest source of continual grief.

Yet, in saying that I know that even when you love someone, you can’t guarantee that you’ll never let them down. I love my parents, I love my siblings, however, I know that at this point I am so different from them that my views alone have let them down. They expected me to be like them, and I will never be, nor would I want to. I am my own person, and in my universe: just because I have different views than they do, doesn’t mean that I should love them any less. I would welcome any of them into my home any day of the year (though I highly suspect they would cringe at the thought). For me love is enduring, even when things get rough. I still hold out hope for even the one brother that has hurt me repeatedly throughout our lives, I believe that maybe one day he’ll see the folly of his ways and wish to make amends. ‘Til that day comes I’ve chosen to send love from my heart, at a distance.

Beyond my physical family, I know I have let Nathan down repeatedly. He’ll never say it, but when my anger or depression wins and my brain goes on a very negative tangent I know that hurts him. The same with my kids. I will never be able to make up for the moments where my brain’s malfunction caused them pain and suffering.  I also cannot make up for our poverty, I have tried thousands of times over, but there is no way for me to fix their perspective that we are missing out on things that friends regularly get to partake in. Eventually when my kids are grown, I hope that they see I did my best, but it still leaves them disappointed in the present. All I can do is love them and continue to do the best I can.

AND I do still love x-partners. I love them as the very close friends that they were. I wish them well even though things didn’t work out between us. If I could have made things better in some way, I would have. I don’t hold the failed relationships as a reason to love them less. In fact I think that when relationships fail that is when people need more love, so I do my best to continue to send that love every time one of them crosses my mind. As human beings, they deserve it. Yet, I acknowledge that the love I’m sending them now is like the love for a distant relative that you see occasionally, but probably would not call out of the blue. They are a part of you, but not necessarily pertinent to your daily life, and I love them as such.

So then, if I have several of these past relationships that failed, and the love I feel for them is so muted, why keep trying and holding onto the idea of Polyamory?

Simply because I want love to win.

I want that passionate love to overrun me, and wash all the negative life experiences to the extreme background. I want to feel a passion so intense I can’t think of anything else, especially my worries. I want to know that there are others that feel the same about me.

And I do. I know for certain that Nathan does. We love each other so deeply we feel each other from a distance, we complete each other’s thoughts, and we know when the other is in pain- feeling each other’s headaches and even body aches. It is a love that is so intense and so amazing that I have managed to fight depression for 15 years because of it. IT keeps me going, and it makes me want to cling to Nathan forever. I know our souls are connected deeply and I know his support has literally kept me alive. I am so utterly grateful for him, and words are not nearly enough for how I feel about him.

Now I have an inkling of that same intensity with the man online. I can feel him, not 100% and not all of the time, but I know I can. I have been gifted with many, many messages about him, not all of which I even understand, and that brings an excitement to me I’m relishing in. That the other side would put the effort into trying to convey something about him to me, means that he is special in some way. A way that I can’t wait to find out. I just need more patience- as the other side told me, by playing a song I’d never heard before, while driving my route. It was  Guns N’ Roses “Patience”.

And that is where the title comes in: I worry. I have fears. I carry Guilt.

Polyamory doesn’t fix that.

For instance Nathan is older than I by a fair amount. I worry about him dieing, which I know is inevitable some day. We all will die at some point. However, I worry like it is tomorrow. I worry about all of the bad things that could happen if I lost him. It wrenches my heart and I have to play the new anti-rumination game to convince myself that I’m all worked up over nothing. It makes me cling even harder some days.

I have fears about things not working out with/for my online friend. That he wont find a solution to his conundrum, that the relationship won’t develop like I’ve seen, that he will curtail things and sever the connection before we’ve even gotten to really test any possibilities.

I am ever afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing, with either of them, and possibly causing them both to want to run for the hills. I feel guilt over not being a better mom and wife. I feel guilt about our financial woes and housing situation. I feel guilty that I have inadvertently pressured my beau at times, even though it was far from my intention.

These are all parts of the negative feedback loop in my brain that has so carefully constructed itself over the 34 years I have lived. Polyamory has nothing to do with the fears, worries, and guilt being in me. I am the sole cause. However, polyamory doesn’t help either, it merely amplifies what is already there. You think you worry when you have one husband you deeply care about. Multiply that by 2 people and you get twice the worry. So, my homework of late has been to ramp up the anti-rumination. Knowing I have a long standing pattern to break, means lots of homework and massive amounts of practice. One little thought at a time, for who knows how many days or weeks or years. Ugh.

I gradually replace the worries, the fears, the thoughts of guilt, with more positive thoughts of what I hope might one day  be. Not only does it help me feel better in the moment, but it helps me to keep my brain in good working order. It seems each day that I think good thoughts of the future, it seems to get just a tiny bit easier to do that and eliminate rumination. I’m so grateful to my therapist and the book “The Depression Cure” for this skill. It brings hope that one day maybe my brain will heal and I’ll never struggle with anger/rage/depression ever again. When that day comes it will make the struggles of my journey worth it, at least for myself and my world view.

Trying to hide from my fears. 

Be it running on exhausted,  real world woes, or a combination of the two, I find myself hiding in the spa room at work.

On Fridays I work at 3 different buildings owned by the same senior care corporation.  They are nice buildings,  with wonderful people,  none of which have taken the time to get to know me over the last 4 years. I don’t fault them for it,  I’m not in any one of them every day,  they simply don’t see me enough to think they should know me better.

Yet, I find myself today wishing someone did.  I cried hard and long between buildings.  I carefully gathered myself,  regained composure to walk back into the next.  I’ve done my job,  at least as much as I can for the moment, I’m waiting for 2 residents to be available.  So down time to be had, but today that’s not a good thing. 

Today the silence is eating at me, making me want to cry, to rock myself for comfort.  If they made an adult  version of the baby swings, I’d be in it right now. 

My fears are consuming me on this day.  I’ve taken all of my medicines and supplements,  & yet I still find myself struggling today.

I can’t help thinking I’m a failure,  yet I know I’ve tried everything within reach. But that’s just it,  I know there are things I would do if they were in reach. Yet I have no clue how to make them.

I’ve thought pray; maybe the divine will help. Alas, it seems I’m still on the do not call list for GOD.

I’m just so afraid that we will freeze to death this winter.  Our  van is vital for me to get to work,  so when it broke it became priority. We’ve fixed most,  but not all of what needed attention.  I still have to replace the struts & O2 sensor, nearly $700 of work, all because of finances. I thought I’d have enough.  Enough time, enough money,  enough smarts,  enough talent,  to make sure the vitals were done by cold weather.  Now I’m not so sure.

I’m so afraid that it won’t get done,  that other things will keep being more vital.  That I won’t have enough to meet all of the things that are really important.

It’s moments like this that I feel very alone.  I have fiends,  but none of them can or will help with the nitty gritty of this remodel. I knew that going in, but I find myself desperately begging the universe to quit kinking my hose, please quit throwing up roadblocks.

For once in my God  Dammed life, please let something go smoothly and as planned.  Why does everything I do turn to shit? I know I’m am insignificant measly mortal, but just for once I’d like to feel at least like I’m supported;  hell even just that nothing’s fighting  me.

I just want to provide basic necessities for my family.  I want a safe home,  I’ve long ago given up my dreams of  grandeur. I just want to be able to know I have enough to feed my family.  I just want to know I can go & come from work safely.  I just want to know the vehicle my children ride in is safe. 

I know that because of our past, our challenges that I failed to meet, I will probably never make it out of this God Forsaken hole. I just wish that if I’m stuck here for the rest of my life I could at least provide enough that my children don’t have to suffer.

Why is that too much to ask?

So I sit for a while,  in the Spa room, crying & hoping I can finish my day with my carefully practiced fake smile.