Tag Archives: fears

Huh.

I’m picking up on emotions again. I have a few guesses as to whom, but honestly the thread that has pulled could belong to several. Regardless, I feel like it is bringing up a lot for me that I thought I had dealt with. The poem from this morning (last post) was just the beginning.

Fears of failure (failing again), fears of letting others down. Fears that being myself isn’t okay. I’m tired of being the black sheep, the weirdo, the one with out there beliefs and able to feel people. Feeling like I can’t do anything right and that I have done things that aren’t fixable, even though I wish they were. I’m also petrified that the way I want or need a relationship to manifest is drastically different than their expectations. I’m afraid of letting them down because their expectations are more than I can handle right now.

I do feel like I have a wonderful family now, and like I’ve never had before. They have been so supportive through recent challenges that I get really emotional thinking about it,  and I’m petrified of screwing that up. It would be like getting the perfect gift to have someone tell you it wasn’t intended to be yours in the first place. It’s easier to live with not perfect if you never got teased with better to begin with.

Yet I know no one is ever perfect for me, and I’m never perfect for them. We are only ever perfect for ourselves. We are on our own perfectly imperfect journey and any person will never align exactly with you constantly. Those most important people are the ones that align most frequently in all the important ways, and the only way to discover that is to get to know them really well.

But that involves making the commitment to find out, and right now I’m not certain I can commit to anything.

I am literally living day by day, moment to moment, and most of the time it is exactly perfect that way. I feel better when I don’t think about past mistakes, regrets, or lost and left behind. I feel better when I don’t worry about future possibilities.

Focusing on this moment, each moment, is literally enabling me to keep functioning. Every time I loose that focus, I inevitably end up on one of these energetic threads that leads me further astray.

So I refocus and restate where I am and what I’m doing and remind myself that I am supporting myself. I am doing what I need as I go, and I’m doing my best in each moment to be there for myself and anyone I’m interacting with. I am here and now to be ME.

May you have full understanding of what you feel and sense. May you know how to manage the here and now. May you release fears and just be yourself. May you enjoy your days mostly and always enjoy the path of life. May you know that above all the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I leave you with Sadhguru’s quotes from yesterday and today as they definitely apply here.

Release a Big Negative

I realized that I need to process and release something I’ve been avoiding for a short bit. I need to let it go so that it doesn’t get bigger.

1st- name the fear and give genuine apology for the fear:

What is it?

Why have I been focusing so much on love and relationships when my husband is right in front of me?

The answer: I’m scared as all hell that I might loose him. I’m petrified that his state of being might not ever improve. I’m scared shitless that he might die long before I’m ready.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I have seen him go from stable of 11 years to not so stable the last 2 months, and I’m really worried.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m concerned that sooner than later, I’ll have to work all day and go home to greiving children. The teen will disappear because she’s overwhelmed and needs her space to grieve, so I’ll be left to cook and clean and do all the things Nathan would have done. I’ll have to function through grief while doing twice the work I am now. It really scares me. It scares me most because I won’t have the time or space to help my own children through the loss, and there would be no one to help me.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m sorry for even the aspects I couldn’t put words to here. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

2nd- let the fear go:

Like Ang in “Avatar, the Last Air Bender”. To heal anything, to heal everything, attachments must be released. Fear only holds us back. You have to completely let go and begin to see the truth.

3rd- find the deeper truth of inner spirit:

Nathan himself is a divine creator with a connection to his source. He knows how to find his own alignment and has been great at it at times. Nathan has the ability to heal as much as anyone. Being afraid that he might die is preventing focus fromm being on his ability to heal. He has free will and can choose anything he wants, but I know he loves me and wants to be there for me. I want to encourage him and help him to find himself.

Regardless of worst case scenario, Nathan is an eternal being and will always be with me if I chose. Also, I am a divine creator and I give my power away when I create negative situations like that. I have always found a way through every challenge that has come at me and this would be no different. I am strong, my kids are strong and we would make it through.

I like feeling my inner being and the knowing that comes with it. There is always a solution. My focus on love and relationships is a good thing because it helps to attract what I really want. I love the idea of Nathan healing and getting better. I love the idea of having additional life partners. I love the idea that we have a safety net and a easy way through every challenge. I like knowing that regardless of anything the divine loves and supports me. God protects me and keeps me safe if I let the positive flow in.

I love healing energy and I love being able to flow enough healing energy to help myself and all those around me whom I love. I know I will have all the support I need if the time should ever come to need it. I am hopeful that everything will turn around and heal into a bright wonderful future.

4th- blessings abound and bring more:

May you never have fears sneak up on you. May you find a way to release every fear. May you know that you are doing your best and that eventually it will lead to better and better, faster and faster. May you know that you can overcome anything that might be holding you back. May your healing energy flow strongly always, and benefit yourself and everyone around you. May you begin to see the miracles that life can bring all around you. May you find a way to eliminate all of the negatives in your awareness, so your focus is solely on the positives. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Scared of the dark.

This video reminded me of 2 things. My childhood fear of the dark, and my nearly lifelong battle with depression and disease.

I felt it was a really good metaphor for the latter. Sometimes shining a little light can sooth the emotions, but when that fails you just need to figure out why the darkness is there. It has a reason and once you know the reason it’s easier to see the light and the good in it.

May you never be afraid of the dark. May you always see the light. May you be understanding with yourself and others when learning to navigate the darkness. May you find ways to soothe every fear and find strength in your knowing. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti