Tag Archives: fears

Huh.

I’m picking up on emotions again. I have a few guesses as to whom, but honestly the thread that has pulled could belong to several. Regardless, I feel like it is bringing up a lot for me that I thought I had dealt with. The poem from this morning (last post) was just the beginning.

Fears of failure (failing again), fears of letting others down. Fears that being myself isn’t okay. I’m tired of being the black sheep, the weirdo, the one with out there beliefs and able to feel people. Feeling like I can’t do anything right and that I have done things that aren’t fixable, even though I wish they were. I’m also petrified that the way I want or need a relationship to manifest is drastically different than their expectations. I’m afraid of letting them down because their expectations are more than I can handle right now.

I do feel like I have a wonderful family now, and like I’ve never had before. They have been so supportive through recent challenges that I get really emotional thinking about it,  and I’m petrified of screwing that up. It would be like getting the perfect gift to have someone tell you it wasn’t intended to be yours in the first place. It’s easier to live with not perfect if you never got teased with better to begin with.

Yet I know no one is ever perfect for me, and I’m never perfect for them. We are only ever perfect for ourselves. We are on our own perfectly imperfect journey and any person will never align exactly with you constantly. Those most important people are the ones that align most frequently in all the important ways, and the only way to discover that is to get to know them really well.

But that involves making the commitment to find out, and right now I’m not certain I can commit to anything.

I am literally living day by day, moment to moment, and most of the time it is exactly perfect that way. I feel better when I don’t think about past mistakes, regrets, or lost and left behind. I feel better when I don’t worry about future possibilities.

Focusing on this moment, each moment, is literally enabling me to keep functioning. Every time I loose that focus, I inevitably end up on one of these energetic threads that leads me further astray.

So I refocus and restate where I am and what I’m doing and remind myself that I am supporting myself. I am doing what I need as I go, and I’m doing my best in each moment to be there for myself and anyone I’m interacting with. I am here and now to be ME.

May you have full understanding of what you feel and sense. May you know how to manage the here and now. May you release fears and just be yourself. May you enjoy your days mostly and always enjoy the path of life. May you know that above all the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I leave you with Sadhguru’s quotes from yesterday and today as they definitely apply here.

Release a Big Negative

I realized that I need to process and release something I’ve been avoiding for a short bit. I need to let it go so that it doesn’t get bigger.

1st- name the fear and give genuine apology for the fear:

What is it?

Why have I been focusing so much on love and relationships when my husband is right in front of me?

The answer: I’m scared as all hell that I might loose him. I’m petrified that his state of being might not ever improve. I’m scared shitless that he might die long before I’m ready.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I have seen him go from stable of 11 years to not so stable the last 2 months, and I’m really worried.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m concerned that sooner than later, I’ll have to work all day and go home to greiving children. The teen will disappear because she’s overwhelmed and needs her space to grieve, so I’ll be left to cook and clean and do all the things Nathan would have done. I’ll have to function through grief while doing twice the work I am now. It really scares me. It scares me most because I won’t have the time or space to help my own children through the loss, and there would be no one to help me.

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

I’m sorry for even the aspects I couldn’t put words to here. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

2nd- let the fear go:

Like Ang in “Avatar, the Last Air Bender”. To heal anything, to heal everything, attachments must be released. Fear only holds us back. You have to completely let go and begin to see the truth.

3rd- find the deeper truth of inner spirit:

Nathan himself is a divine creator with a connection to his source. He knows how to find his own alignment and has been great at it at times. Nathan has the ability to heal as much as anyone. Being afraid that he might die is preventing focus fromm being on his ability to heal. He has free will and can choose anything he wants, but I know he loves me and wants to be there for me. I want to encourage him and help him to find himself.

Regardless of worst case scenario, Nathan is an eternal being and will always be with me if I chose. Also, I am a divine creator and I give my power away when I create negative situations like that. I have always found a way through every challenge that has come at me and this would be no different. I am strong, my kids are strong and we would make it through.

I like feeling my inner being and the knowing that comes with it. There is always a solution. My focus on love and relationships is a good thing because it helps to attract what I really want. I love the idea of Nathan healing and getting better. I love the idea of having additional life partners. I love the idea that we have a safety net and a easy way through every challenge. I like knowing that regardless of anything the divine loves and supports me. God protects me and keeps me safe if I let the positive flow in.

I love healing energy and I love being able to flow enough healing energy to help myself and all those around me whom I love. I know I will have all the support I need if the time should ever come to need it. I am hopeful that everything will turn around and heal into a bright wonderful future.

4th- blessings abound and bring more:

May you never have fears sneak up on you. May you find a way to release every fear. May you know that you are doing your best and that eventually it will lead to better and better, faster and faster. May you know that you can overcome anything that might be holding you back. May your healing energy flow strongly always, and benefit yourself and everyone around you. May you begin to see the miracles that life can bring all around you. May you find a way to eliminate all of the negatives in your awareness, so your focus is solely on the positives. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Scared of the dark.

This video reminded me of 2 things. My childhood fear of the dark, and my nearly lifelong battle with depression and disease.

I felt it was a really good metaphor for the latter. Sometimes shining a little light can sooth the emotions, but when that fails you just need to figure out why the darkness is there. It has a reason and once you know the reason it’s easier to see the light and the good in it.

May you never be afraid of the dark. May you always see the light. May you be understanding with yourself and others when learning to navigate the darkness. May you find ways to soothe every fear and find strength in your knowing. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Courage

I’m sharing this particular version of the music video for the lyric edits and the statement she is making with her costuming and stage presence. It resonated with me strongly, but I also love the more common version used in movie/theatrical productions.

The reason I am sharing it is weird and complex.

Yesterday, after having listened to it dozens of times, I heard the notes from my childhood. Those keyboard notes I played for my mom over and over again asking her if she knew what song they came from. I just knew I had heard them before. My mom would get sick of hearing them and send me to my room so that the sound was more muffled. She could ignore me easier.

Now I have heard them again from another source. They are the notes of the line: “you’re not alone in all this, you’re not alone I promise”.

I’m not a music historian and I never did figure out where I had heard those notes, so I have no idea if they appear in other music with a slightly different rhythm or anything. But now I have heard them from SIA.

Between the meaning of the lyrics, and the realization I may have ‘heard’ the song 34 years before it existed, I cried.

It doesn’t help that I keep playing the song to give myself strength.

My family is not well. The battle I have been working on, and picking apart, for myself for over 7 years (it started before I got pregnant with Ian and he’s going to turn 7 in 2 months) is taking a drastic toll on my family.

I mentioned before that I was certain, since I discovered the root cause, it was likely the reason all of us have struggled for decades: EBV- Epstein Barr Virus.

I mentioned after my trip to CT that I found out mom was ignoring significant symptoms, my brother had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and dad has been slowly dieing for almost a year now.

Well, a call from my mom recently, after my brother cleared surgery, filled me in. She explained he cleared surgery and they had removed 9 lymph nodes with his thyroid. All 9 tested positive for cancer, but he is optimistic and radiation starts in a month.

The knowing has been part of my struggle this week, and the reason I’m propping myself up with music.

I’m scared for my brother. I’m scared for myself. We are too young to deserve this.

And it’s because Western medicine blew off a virus for decades, almost a century, as not being worth their time to solve. Before or after they knew how much damage it could do, and people still regularly catch Mono.

I am literally fighting a loosing battle, that an institution with more resources than I can imagine, wrote off as unnecessary.

The anger in me is massive and I am doing everything in my power to shake it off and keep rising my vibration, it’s my only hope.

I will keep doing what I can and have been doing. Hopefully I will find success where my family didn’t, simply because their doctors never bothered to search for a root cause.

I will keep sending prayers for my brother and his family. For everyone I know that is struggling with their health. For the world, because we have a new EBV in Covid, medicine just wants to document and occasionally treat symptoms as needed. I sincerely hope that 80 years from now there is an entirely different outcome for Covid, but my inner gut feeling tells me otherwise. I believe we are all going to need prayers to get through the long-term ramifications of 2020. So prayers I send.

May you never know the fear of dieing before you are ready. May you always have a healthy and joyful life. May you enjoy your days to the fullest and have hope for your offspring. May you see the resources available and be able to utilize them for self-healing. May you find the health you seek and maintain your alignment with God. May you know your purpose here in this world and may you leave this world a better place. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

The Why of Bad.

I have been contemplating the why of negative emotions this week from a practical standpoint. I am very familiar with Abraham Hicks and others that speak of wanting to focus on positive vibrations to attract more positive things into your life. I am also familiar with Abraham Hicks stating that negative emotions feel negative because they oppose the way your spirit feels about something. These are not new concepts to me, and I have worked with them heavily for several years now. However, I find that it is a good reminder for myself to look at things through these lenses, and anytime I find a good reminder for myself I feel like it would also help others.

So I am going to break down things that have come across my mind lately and reach for the possible whys of the negativity felt. Essentially, what is one thought that feels like it is in closest proximity to what my spirit feels on the subject. I am probably going to use many topics to convey this to cover as many different ideas as possible, but I am going to start with a few close to my heart.

I have been picking up on negative trains of thought floating through my experience. I believe a lot of it was and continues to be triggered by my incessant father’s negativity. Even with his moving to Arizona, I can not seem to completely detach that cord formed at birth. I have merely managed to squeeze it off to a tiny trickle. However, negativity is all around these days and it’s not hard to bump up against negative thoughts. What I am discovering is that when I bump up against a negative thought it seems to give me the negative of whatever is on my mind, so things I generally am okay on, will suddenly become a bothersome thought. That’s why I am choosing to start with my own stuff because it is what is on my mind the most.

My others, just a couple of examples:

I have been contemplating the 3 in my experience a lot because I can feel them as being very active in my heart center again. I will call the person from India and their connected person “the duo”- they are the ones I feel left and right of heart center. Based on my recent reach out, I think I now know who the left is, but may have missed the mark on the right side. The 3rd person is an american man, he holds the position just below heart center- not quite to solar plexus area, so I’ll just refer to him as “Beau”. All 3 have been active for me for quite some time now, but The Duo has been active for over 5 years at this point. Being they still reside in my heart, I know they are significant and will eventually mean something. Generally speaking I accept all 3 as being very significant for me personally and already consider them family due to their seemingly permanent residence in my energetic awareness. Most of the time I feel their emotions (including arousal and negative emotions) or awareness of something I did. I have had a strong knowing for a long time now that all 3 will eventually come around to making some sort of commitment in my life. It is the knowing and the dreams that I keep circling back to as a reminder, because every single thing in my life that had that knowing eventually came true. So really, there is no real doubt in my mind that it will eventually be clear, make sense, and pan out as my knowing has informed me. My only confusion lies in the how and when, and really that is what the journey called life is all about. No need to take the fun out of the journey.

However, there have been those moments of energetic bumper cars that have caught me off guard or set me on brief doubt-tangents. I have so far been able to course correct on every single one, but occasionally it takes me a short bit to realize that is what happened, so I’m not instantaneously correcting yet. Here are some examples:

“Nathan needs to go, you’re mine.” Feels negative, because my inner being knows that Nathan is a very loved fixture in my life, the same as my children, and anyone wanting to be in my life will simply have to accept that. I don’t require a significant other to do anything specific with Nathan, just accept him as part of my family and interact with him as you would any other platonic family member. He is an adult, so basic respect and adult conversation would be necessary, but otherwise go as deep or as superficial as you care to. There is also an element of needing to acknowledge my desire for polyamory. I have been honest about that from the start, and I care about these people, and I know they care about me. So, since we all care and I have been completely honest about my needs, there is no need for anyone to be rejected or eliminated. My paradigm of conscious choice does not need adjusted because someone chose to look outside of an enforced paradigm and found me. If you found what you were seeking, then obviously I am perfectly fine just the way I am.

“You’re focused on the wrong things.” (I actually got that message through a song notification, directly following another called “I’ve been watching you”- a bit creepy especially since I’ve wondered if one of the 3 has someone digitally stalking me or manipulating/hacking my device.) Both concepts feel negative because for one the stalking/hacking thing is a huge red flag for a perp., and for two it seems like someone judging my thoughts, processes, and emotions based on their external input. Assuming that God is just trying to convey their mental space to me and no actual stalking/hacking is happening, I can then just look at the judgments. I may be focusing on the wrong things for them, but I know my predominant emotions these days and know my train is headed towards good mostly. I am gradually building forward momentum on the higher vibration end of the train. I know what I want- ALL the layers, and somehow I know that these 3 people are God’s choice for best fit for things I desire. I look forward to seeing that pan out and for my existing family to blend with them. When I think of the elements I do know for certain I generally feel really good. Even when I think of things I would like in less certain contexts I also feel good. I have gotten really good at stopping negative tangents in relation to these 3 people. I generally feel good about all 3 and the few things I have been hurt over are not life ending, and could readily be corrected with truth and apologies. So feeling negative from being told I’m focused improperly is a really good validation that I am indeed focused properly and thinking about positive things for me personally.

So, yes generally I am looking forward to seeing this part of my journey out, and the bumper car negative thoughts are being handled more and more readily. I am finding more consistent positive thought, and I look forward to my people manifesting positively. I know they are capable of accepting Nathan and I know that they will find their way through their half of this mutual journey just fine.

A couple of examples from current events- I’ll do my best to be more brief:

Fear of Covid, getting sick, getting other sick, etc.- Fear feels bad. Fear is the opposite of what your spirit thinks. Your spirit is not afraid of catching this virus. Your spirit knows you have the ability to heal if you allow it. Your spirit also knows that if you fail in the allowing, that death is merely a new beginning, and though anyone you left behind would be sad, it is not your journey to be consumed by their grief. Either way, it is okay. Additionally, you can not create in another’s experience. If you coughed the virus on 10 people, all 10 could have completely different responses. You spread the virus equally, but their consciousness and their vibrational level was what determined whether they got sick or to what degree. This applies to every aspect of life and your inner being knows it. I wear a mask these days only to soothe people that don’t know this information. I’m not afraid, they really don’t need to be afraid, but I don’t need to make their already fear based mindset worse by challenging them when they are battling an uphill thought battle to begin with. It is easier for me to wear the mask and do my best to soothe their minds and help them find better more productive thoughts. That is being a lightworker.

“Trump is a light-worker/good for humanity” I even got told that someone referred to Trump as a Demigod. I’m sorry, there are many things that Trump is, but none of these apply. Beyond the ludicrosity of calling him a Demi-God, I feel I must ferret out the rest. They feel bad to me because my spirit knows that these statements are just OFF. Here’s the deal, a light-worker is here to not just help themselves, they are here to help humanity progress in massively positive ways. Trump is only out to get what he wants at all costs. He is not doing anything that actively helps humanity. The closest thing to helping humanity is that he IS helping us to see what needs fixed, so like my father he is serving as a valuable bad example. He is teaching us what not to do for certain. In that way he is helping humanity, but there are so many alternatives to his actions that he is most definitely not demonstrating the best choices. Light-workers are supposed to aim at the best choices possible to help the most people. So Trump is failing on both fronts. The only thing that Trump is good at is using the Law of Attraction. He is spectacular at getting what he wants no matter what is going on around him. Because of that I hope he has a massive cardiac event and saves humanity the trouble of trying to over-ride his really really bad decisions while he is still alive. He is a colossal bad example which gives true light-workers a direction to aim. We can use his skills with Law of Attraction, but aim for polar opposite results and actually better the world and improve things for humanity. Trump is merely a learning tool for light-workers to do their best, in the realm of even the negatives have value in clarity. Use the skill, but do this, not that. A powerful lesson is never equivalent to light-work or Demi-God.

In closing:

I had a thought after the Trump trigger-conversation that “the aliens must be fucking with us”. It was a sarcastic statement, but one that made me laugh. So, functioning under the assumption that vibrational alignment and emotion based discernment are a really thing, then the aliens must actually be fucking with us. However, from my perspective that isn’t really a bad thing. It means that if Trump does get completely out of control they will likely step in. In the meantime, it is probably in a effort to help the rest of us somewhat sane humans learn to control our brains for the betterment of humanity. I appreciate that thought immensely. If that really is the end goal, which because it feels so good probably is, then I am totally on board. I will gladly play along with the challenges to heal my brain and body and aim for a better human race. At this point I am no gold medal winner in positive thought correction, but I am getting better and better at it every day. I look forward to the day that I am so focused that I get really good shit really quickly, and unlike Trump my choices have always and will always be aimed at helping as many people as I can. I do wish to help humanity and will go out of my way to manifest things that help more than just myself. I’m off to a slow but steady start and I look forward to more positive momentum.

May you see your thought journey gaining positive momentum. May you reach for helping humanity while you help yourself. May you master overriding the bogus negative-thought bumper-cars. May you be doubt free and focused on positive outcomes. May you see ways to help humanity grow and progress in amazingly positive ways. May you have positive manifestations to validate your progress. May you see your ripple in the world. May you help soothe others’ fears. May you bring light to this dark world. May you see only the best in others and this world.

Siva Hir Su