Dad did not get released to me today. I had to have follow up appointments scheduled before they would release him. So I spent all day today figuring that out.
A dozen phone calls and a fax later with much stress, I figured out the solution. He now has a new doctor booked near my home, and all that is left is to transfer records after he is discharged.
I’ll now be picking him up Sunday and staying to Monday to help him resolve things at his old home arrangement. Then back to my house with him and a bunch of his stuff for an extended visit while we arrange for his proper move.
I was originally going to rent a nice new vehicle to make this happen. However, it hit me that we were definitely going to need 2 vehicles so that he can make appointments if I am working. I decided it was foolhardy to rent short term and turn around and attempt to solve the long term issue. So, I decided to just leap head first into a purchase.
We picked one of the Toyota dealers near us hoping for a Toyota Sienna. We got a very nice young man- Deshawn, that explained the logistics of leasing vs buying, and asked us how much we had available as far as down payment and monthly. He listened to our needs on the vehicle itself. He walked us through the logistics of our original hopes and explained he couldn’t get close to what we needed new, lease or purchase. He gave us several options in SUV’s and a minivan. Based on the prices, we thought the minivan was the best option and went to look.
When he took us to the car it was the exact same vehicle we had rented for the vacation last year, not by vin number, but by make, model, year, and color. I said thank you to God. This was the result:
It had low mileage and almost 2 hours later I walked out with another $300 monthly payment plus the increase in our insurance costs, because the sticker price is not the final cost unless you can pay the full amount in cash. It’ll be manageable, and solves a significant concern I’ve had for almost 2 years before the dad hiccup.
So now I have an almost new vehicle at used prices. The first since about 2003 for me.
I am very grateful and appreciative that solutions were found easily today, and especially that I have fixed things enough to be able to do what I did. It is very relieving to walk in stressed but hopeful, and walk out with a gently used, nearly new vehicle in great condition and having had no difficulty accomplishing the task.
I thank God for the help with this and see the guidance that led to this moment.
May you have relieving solutions to all your problems. May you see God’s guidance and assistance. May you know everything is going to be all right. May you know your place within all of it. May you know you are loved and supported by the Divine.
I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.
If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.
I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.
If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.
Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.
As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.
Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.
I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.
My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.
Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.
I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.
I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.
It’s not worth it.
So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.
Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.
I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.
Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.
May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.
This weekend brought a few hours to spare, and much unpacking and situating, even quite a bit of construction.
Saturday late-afternoon and evening I tackled our living room and I was able to get about half of it unpacked. I of course started with the prettiest and most meaningful parts to our experience. It meant that when I ran out of steam our living room was a beautiful spread of 2 altar spaces lit with glowing candles. One is the fireplace mantle and the other the top of the big bookcase. Before (in the rental) I had everything tightly organized onto just the bookcase, it worked, but I’m appreciative that I now have the extra mantle space. I feel it better serves the delineation between the different divine archetypes we work with. It felt very good to get the energy flowing in a very positive way again.
I also managed to get many (not all) of our pictures and family keepsakes hung. I sat with Nathan and Kids and had a long moment of tired but very satisfied appreciation. I was very grateful for this new home.
I was only slightly concerned that my inability to keep moving meant none of our books or important paperwork was dealt with. That will be dealt with in due time.
After my moment with family, I crashed for a good night’s sleep. I even ended up sleeping in a bit the next morning. I tried to get up at my usual time, and decided to do a meditation. My meditation ended with a cat curling up on my lap and then I dozed off again. I was reawakened by the same cat knocking the bouquet Nathan had gotten me, off the mantle. The adrenaline rush of jumping into action to clean up the puddle launched me into my second “day off” of action.
The rest of Sunday was a comical trip to Home Depot to purchase the carpet that Anya finally picked for the flooring of her room, and the following construction labors.
Home Depot is NOT my favorite hardware store, but it’s the closest one to our new home, which was vitally important for the purpose of the trip. It took me forever to find someone to cut the length of carpet I needed, but once complete and checked out they were nice enough to help load it into our car.
That was the comedic moment. See we drive a little red 4 door Mazda Protège, And the carpet was a 12 foot long roll. I had to make the trip alone because the roll was slid in from the trunk all the way up to the front dashboard. Slid is an over simplification, more like shove, adjust, shove, adjust, repeat until it was in as far as possible. They sent the youngest teen boy to help and he was strong but not great at understanding what I needed of him. When all was said and done we got all but 4 feet of the roll in the car. I hung the appropriate red flag from the end and drove home with the trunk open to 28 degree weather.
Once home it was almost as comical to get the carpet out of the car and downstairs to Anya’s bedroom. The staircase is just inside the front door, but faces the bathroom and thus required bending the carpet roll to turn the corner into the bathroom.
Regardless, we succeeded and carpet was eventually installed.
Before putting the carpet down I did the drywall patch on the superfluous doorway and laid the carpet pad. I also installed two doors with appropriate framing. After the carpet was down and trimmed properly, I trimmed out her baseboards and doorway. The following pictures take you through that journey, from where the room started to when I finally ran out of steam.
Literally the only 4 things left for her room are: door kick-plate, door threshold strip, re-painting, and unpacking.
She was hesitant about the room initially, but as I figured it was because it was incomplete. Now she’s super excited since it looks and feels like a bedroom suite.
I do still have trim left to complete in her little half bath, and a few other odds and ends, but the most intense of the desired construction stuff is complete. It feels good to acknowledge that 2 weeks from close, the biggest chores have been tackled and completed. At this point we just have lots of boxes to sort and put away, some of which were in long-term storage so Nathan has already started a big box for donation items.
And today is Tuesday, the first chance I’ve had to write since then. It’s also the first chance I’ve had for serious self-care in about a week. SO, I’ve done cupping on my arms to get functionality back. I was seriously tight and sore from all the heavy work both in office and at home. My skin has soaked up 8 ounces of Mag-ahol, and post cupping I’m doing lots of arnica to take out the “attacked by octopus” look.
May you all have time to spare, speedy progress, and successful ventures in all respects. May you feel satisfied and appreciate your home. May you feel the gratitude of things going well, and see positive changes in your experience. May your tired be well earned and followed by ample rest and rejuvenation. May you have many blessings and much love.