Tag Archives: feel good

Redefining

My divine masculine is on my mind. I know that the divine has the ability to manifest in infinite ways and multiple people, especially for my desires with both family and career.

I know that my divine masculine loves me and wants to honor me in all the ways I desire. I know that I have already done more than enough to prove myself to myself, and that I am enough.

So I’m taking this knowing to focus on my¬† preferences and alignment to allow my DM to manifest in my life. Most of these pertain more to family relations, but some aspects could also apply to career/work relations.

My DM loves me and cares about me, and they are willing to state that to me. Not just willing, they care so much about me that they are drawn to tell me directly. Their caring is more important to them, than any perceived risk in telling the truth. So my DM will tell me in very certain and clear terms. If someone doesn’t care enough to do that, then they are not my DM manifesting.

My DM cares more about me than any external input. My DM trusts that God wouldn’t stir such strong desire and caring if it didn’t matter. They may be working on fine tuning their connection just like me, but they feel their connection enough to trust our interactions and the posotive emotions behind them. It is the security in that knowing that helps them to find their voice when telling me about their desires and concerns. If someone isn’t trusting their connection as such, then they couldn’t possibly even be allowing enough of God to be manifestation of my DM.

My DM has mastered their fears enough that any needs for protection or secrecy are no longer a factor. This means they don’t feel the need for weapons for protection, that they don’t need to hide a relationship because they are secure in their own being. They know they can handle scrutiny and petty attacks, but they are also aware that this world brings what you focus on. So if they focus on a world that is more open and accepting and reaching for better equality, then that is the world they will see. It means that if they focus on loving support and kindness of strangers, that is what they will experience. There is no need to be afraid of attacks via words or with weapons if one is focused on a safe, open, accepting world.

My DM sees all of me, including my needs and desires, my hopes and dreams, and they accept of all me. Not just accept, they share most of the same dreams and desires. They have so much in common that they accept the rest unequivocally. The accept me as a whole, and love me for being me. Anyone that doesn’t is not my divine masculine manifesting wholley.

My DM knows that I am my own person and that I will not be owned. My DM respects my rights and my own sovereignty and I respect the same in them. They trust that our connection is more important than any laws or paperwork that were originally intended to protect such connections, but have since become misconstrued and misused. My DM is willing to explore alternative options to meet my/our special needs, and if someone isn’t willing to explore alternatives then they are not my DM.

My DM knows that even though I have the body of a woman, that I am more complicated than that. My DM accepts me as being both masculine and feminine, and accepts that I love Nathan very much. My DM understands that in regards to Nathan, I am the masculine role and I love Nathan intensely and fully intend to keep my relationship with him strong, but also need to honor my feminine half and allow myself to be in the feminine role more frequently. Because of this my DM understands, accepts, and shares my desires for a poly family; so if someone doesn’t understand, accept, or share that then they are likely not my DM manifesting.

My Divine Masculine feels me and senses me, and knows me on a deeper level that might be hard for another person to understand. They know they don’t need to try to explain it to others, but they also know it is safe to talk to me about it- that sharing the experience of our connection only strengthens our connection further. We are equals and equally trust each other and openly share willingly. If someone is unable to do that, then they must not be my DM manifesting.

My DM wants to figure out how to move forward and create a future with me. They care enough to make that happen, even or especially if there are perceived risks to do so. I look forward to having those conversations and figuring things out with them. I have gotten much more sure of my connection and what I feel. I know I am on the right track.


An Abraham audio I listened to on the way to work this morning provided this clarity and I am glad I finally had the moment to put words to it. In the audio Abraham listed off several statements followed by “because I want to”. There were a few statements that some people would cringe over. But Abraham pointed out that the cringe-worthy statements would feel better than lower vibrating statements, but were not fully connected either. The point being made was that moving upward is always good, but ultimately the real goal is to reach the extremely good feeling of being fully connected to ones own divine force. That if you are all the way connected then it only feels really good. The moment you are aware you don’t feel really good, you are no longer fully connected, and you need to do whatever necessary to climb back up to full connection.

My most difficult aspect of thinking about my divine masculine God force is that I know God is a plurality, but I am hoping for just a couple/few to manifest in ‘reality’ for the long-haul. When I acknowledge the way the divine plurality feels about me, I always find the good feeling easily and know everything is just as I have described here. Then I think about people in my life that had moments of connection to my divine masculine, some fleeting, some more sustained, it gets me a bit confused. The fleeting moments I kind of understand as they were situational, and I evoked it from them as I managed to allow better for a moment. I still don’t understand why or how my father sustained it when I was tiny and never ever sustained it again. I know I was somehow partly to blame for that, but at this point feel like it is futility to even try to fix it, since he can’t see me for who I am and what I care about, and is so unwilling to change.

And those 3 others that sustained it longer, but have yet to come around. That’s where I am most confused. I thought for certain I’d found partners, but at this point the whole package (described above) has not manifested. I gave up on them figuring out that either they couldn’t fully manifest what I desire, or my thoughts about them was hanging things up. Either way, the stall out has left me deciding that giving up seems to be the best answer for now. Hence why I’m writing to focus on the generic side of things. Focusing on the things I know are aligned, and not on the people that ghosted and pushed me away, seems to be the easier route for me for right now. Only God knows if my new focus will bring them back or align me with more appropriate manifestations. I am truly and honestly open to either, as long as it is forward motion and in alignment with my higher self.

I love Nathan and my children, and they will be in my life for the long-haul. I also still, desire more in addition to my current already manifested reality, and that ensures I will keep living to keep reaching for more/better.

May you see the alignment of your desires. May you understand your thoughts in regards to manifestations. May you sense God’s love and acceptance of you. May you know you are good enough and deserve everything you desire. May you know your desires stir life force that helps you keep moving forward. May you always have worthy goals to reach for. May you live long and prosper and feel God’s love and support.

Siva Hir Su

Under heavy artillery fire.

That song came on this afternoon after a fast helped me pull up some. It felt appropriate.

If others’ thoughts were weapons of mass destruction, I’m under direct attack of heavy artillery fire. Most don’t even know they’re doing it, so it’s not maliciously directed at me, but the damage is just the same.

My armor took a direct hit when I gave up (a few posts ago will clear that up) and made food choices that were far less than ideal. Because I haven’t overcome the paradigm of “____ foods are bad for me”, the giving up caused a system crash. For you see, a human brain is like the computer and the engine of a car put together, and poor food choices classically hamper its function for me. (Makes me want to write a tangent post.) Brain function was further impacted by a night of terrible sleep likely caused by my friend going through cancer treatment. I went to tell her of my poor sleep and she had nearly the exact same pattern. She didn’t cause it on purpose, and I didn’t pick up on her on purpose, my system was already compromised.

At that point all bets were off as to my survival, and the last two days have been sketchy at best. But today’s decision to do a true fast was apparently the appropriate action. My system had all day to process and clear while I worked. This evening I’m finally beginning to feel a little better, though still exhausted.

My brain has been so compromised by the allergic reaction and exhaustion that it was akin to a radio trying to play 6 stations at once, and only one of those was me.

There was the friend, whom is a good person, and would never intentionally cause me grief. However, with her treatment and diagnosis, I’m certain she herself is experiencing grief. She also really just wants to retire and no longer be responsible for others. She also really wishes she was recognized for her knowledge and abilities more. All of those sentiments were in my thoughts the last two days, and repeatedly.

Then there is Autumn, because I’m helping her and also because I had a long visit with her in the hospital, she broke through my damaged armor. All of the things that we have in common for mental battles had surfaced for me over the two days in question. I’ve also had a massively painful experience in my body, and the worst locations mirror locations she has had her surgeries on, or where the infection is still causing problems. I suspect it’s merely a combination of my allergic reaction and her woes being in my awareness.

The other biggie is my digital-stalker father from those few posts back. I jinxed myself by commenting that I must have gotten my point across because there hasn’t been any hits from him on here, or energetically. Then he visited again sometime after midnight last night. See he thinks he’s got software that shows him browsing from all over the world, except that I get one or two hits from China followed by the familiar 1-ton wave of negativity from childhood. His wave is so intense I can’t fight it, but I nearly always know it’s him fairly quickly. It comes with thoughts of wanting to die, but more of self-hatred. I know they are his logically, but my radio tuner turns them into sounding like they’re mine, the wording is always from the perspective of the self. When I was little I didn’t understand that, so I genuinely thought they were mine, right up until I moved away from home and it eased significantly. He’s right and taught me so well what to believe that I’m not sure I’ll ever completely eliminate the bad programming. I’ll never be good enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not attractive enough. I can’t fix anything, and can’t do anything right. No one likes/loves me. I’m alone, I have no friends, I’m worthless. There is no reason for my existence, and for the life of me I don’t know why I’m here. Those all cycled through my thoughts heavily last night and today, before my system finally began to clear out.

If I could do one thing, it would be to create indestructible armor for my brain, against my father’s thoughts. At this point though I’m trying to just find my standard low grade intrusion level.

The other two stations that played were harder to figure out, probably because they were being drown out by the last 3.

One I think was the guy that I fancy, and for whatever stupid reason wish he would come around and tell me he cares. When I’m not inundated, that connection usually causes me to feel a mix of regret, apology, desire, and thoughts about needing to prove myself more. With all the rest going on the last two days, I only got the regret.

The last station in the mix was too garbled to really distinguish, but I suspect it could have been a client, or my far away lost love. It was just enough to make everything that much more confusing and difficult to process.

I know everyone saw my struggles and I know that at least a couple of my co-workers were really concerned. I wanted to reach out, but didn’t feel like anyone would fully understand, or really know how to help me. I just did my best to stay as clean as possible. Yesterday, the fatigue won and I ate crappy mass produced cookies. Today, I just kept coaxing myself, and save for some super clean vegan-allergy-free carob-chips early in the day, I didn’t eat anything at all. It’s now 6pm and my tummy only acknowledged a need to eat because I’m writing about not having done so.

I’m hoping that a clean dinner and some really good sleep will cure the rest of my ailments. However, the body aches are still pretty intense, so I may need to do some heavy mechanical work to regain full functionality.

I’m just glad that I managed to fast my way out of that mess.

May you have moments of clarity. May you find relief. May you understand the mechanics behind your current experience. May you see how to correct things efficiently. May you always have exactly what you need and be able to maintain high vibration/frequencies. May only Good thoughts fill your awareness. May you know how to purge any negativity in your experience and may you know how to shield yourself from repeat experiences. May you know that God really does love and support you.

Siva Hir Su

We are okay.


Co-operative components
Assembling
Courage and inspiration
Voiced
Calm knowing turns
To decisive action

Thoughts
Feelings
Sensations
Pleasure
Intoxication
Sans fluids

Dreams and desires
May be futility
But heart's
Desires
Grow heedlessly

Warmth
Buzzes
Tingles
Of delight
Expansion

Leapless leaps
Hugs with no arms
Kisses without lips
Touches without hands
Embraced by thin air

All are
Symptoms
Of sense beyond
Present
Old news

All are
Knowing
Of a
Perfect world
Far beyond
This

Current
Reality
A false pretense
Of past
Manifested
Emotions

Old news
Is no news
Imagine
A Wonka dream
Worlds' paradise

Even if
Dreams stay
Floating clouds
Tis better
To have felt

Hearts
Desire
To feel love
To feel
Ecstasy

Sometimes
Only God Can
Provide
Heart's strongest
Desire
And it's okay that way.

~Treasa Cailleach

Fairly straightforward, but stems from reconnecting with my vortex today. I was able to pull up and focus strongly on my vortex by using the phrase “in a perfect world _______”. It was a beautiful day with sun shining, monarch butterflies flying, hawks screeching, and good conversation with clients at the clinic and residents in independent living. Today was a good day and I look forward to many more like it. I felt a couple of my others in a much better way today and enjoyed it much more, but regardless I found me, myself and I, and observed myself in this beautiful world.

A lunch break walk around the pond by the 2nd job was wonderful and relaxing. The smell of smoke from distant forest fires temporarily caused mild distress and I reminded myself that the fires often lead to new growth. I reminded myself that sometimes the old must die to make room for the new, and if man hadn’t started them God would have used lightening to do so, just like my virus laden cells needing to die to generate much needed healing. I also reminded myself that I love the smell of fire when it’s a small controlled one in my yard or fireplace, destructive forces are not always the chaos that they seem and can be very beneficial to that which they touch.

God is ultimately the one that controlls that process the most, and faith is all that is needed to survive as God intends, as some us survive by allowing our physical self to die. For me it seems only part of me needs to die, and I trust that God will help me navigate the effects of that process in the gentlest most functional way. I will do my best to stay focused on the relaxed, feeling good, enjoyable parts of my experience, and know that it is all okay regardless.

I am where I am and it’s the first step of the journey to where I would like to be.

May you know it’s all okay. May you trust God’s process and guidance. May you feel mostly good and be able to focus on the good in your experience. May you enjoy life mostly. May you see your way through challenges and see the solutions you seek. May you know you are healing and headed for better days. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su