Tag Archives: feel the love

All that is, ever has been, and ever will be.

That’s one of many descriptions, definitions if you will, of God. The weight of that statement carries with it the finite nature of the infinite creator. If God is all of that then he’s literally seen everything, experienced everything. He’s bored.

So today I wished I could change that for God. Today I wished I could do something so radically different it would surprise even the divine.

I did not want that just for me, but truly for God because I had a moment where everything was not just feeling the same, but that I felt any choice I made would bring more of the same in guise of something different. I realized that God is probably saying the same thing: I could do that, but it’ll just bring more ___.

One thing is for certain, if I die this year, it won’t be because of covid19. There are far larger fish to fry in my sea. No it’ll be because of a sense of completeness.

I thought about how many diseases God has experienced. I thought about humanity itself. There is a finite number, albeit extremely massive, of the ways genes can combine to create a body. That means that over millennia my body has existed probably several times over. Hell there’s probably been two or three of me that even had similar energetic junk to deal with. So God has literally seen it all. There are no more surprises. Thanks Battlestar Galactica for that bit of knowing.

I felt a sense of resignation with all of that. I don’t know what that’ll translate into. I have not experienced even an infintesimal fraction of what God has, but yet I am seeing how most any decision I make will bring more of the same in guise of different. There is no right answer.

All I do know is that I wish for more for God, for good for God, for something for God to look forward to. I don’t have an answer for myself, so I have no idea how to accomplish that, but it’s in my vortex now.

What I do know is I don’t like this world we’re in right now. My quality of life has plummeted, mostly from a sense that my profession though massively helpful in many ways is now seen as risky simply because I touch people. Even though massage has repeatedly been shown to lower stress levels and boost the immune system, I am seen as non-essential. The relaxation and stress reduction I provide is only acknowledged when people hit max density, instead of much sooner when it is best at preventing problems and illness. I could sanitize every surface every hour, even walls, and people would still avoid my service out of fear. The resulting ripple in my ability to support my family doesn’t help any.

I’ve heard of several people committing suicide this week and I’ve already been fighting off the desire myself. The solution has already begun to be far worse than the disease itself. What good is it to save lives from a virus to have them lost to suicide and crime resulting from the solution. I will do my best to stay buoyant and to keep reaching for better regardless, and will do my best to maintain the shreds of my quality of life through my art and music and meditations.

What I do know is I have hit my limits for wanting to solve anything myself. I have lost earthly desire. I do know that thanks to the chiropractor and kinesiology, I have a few things to eliminate from my diet (again). But God knew that would happen too.

I had a sense that God is sitting there listing off dismisally: ants go do ant things, birds do bird things,…,…, Humans go do human things….

It might catch him off guard if humans started acting like birds. Just sayin’.

What if we just started with “love thy neighbor” instead of stay 6 feet from anyone. How about instead of don’t touch, we demonstrated confident kindness and compassion. How about instead of taking for granted the portion of society that has the luxury to be able to work from home, we rallied for those that can’t. How about recognizing that everything in this world exists because it was essential to someone at some point- it wouldn’t have continued if it weren’t essential for many. How about instead of shunning others for everything perceived as negative we take a moment to reach for compassionate understanding of how they might have gotten there.

May we all love our fellow humans, may we act more like wildlife and go with the flow of life. May we all find brighter more loving linings. May we find a way to surprise and delight God. May we put God first in all of our decisions and stop trying to be God. May we all see the repetitions with fresh eyes and better perspective. May we all find better solutions.

Siva Hir Su

Collaboration

Today was all over the place. My meditation didn’t go so well because Katherine was the first to wake up today and noisy was quick to follow.

I worked in the garden and was able to get my squash and zucchini seeds planted. I did notice a few of my previous seeds are just barely beginning to show. Yea!

I unpacked another small box of trinkets and found 2 of my miniature drawings from a while ago:

This is a watercolor like the other little ones I’ve done recently. I was thinking of a circular garden gate with lightening bugs or some such thing. Approx 2″ x 3″
This was a fun garden drawing I had done. It’s gel pens on watercolor paper. Approximately 5″ x 7″

At dinner Ian started arguing with his older sister again, and I chose to walk away instead of engage. I have been frustrated with him over destructive behaviors, so I decided I was going to channel my frustration into something helpful for him.

A while ago he had done a simple pencil line drawing on one of my canvasses. I decided to take that and finish it, but with an addition. I had included a visual reminder of the 3 basic rules that every thing he is scolded over link back to. My thought process was, maybe the attention span of a 5 year old really does forget quickly and a visual reminder would help. Putting it on an image that he started was my way of showing I do care and love him. I respected his pencil drawing and brought it to more vivid brightly colored life.

This was the end result:

18″ x 24″ sharpie marker on canvas.

This was me showing it to him after he cleaned up his room. (He enjoyed using the lighted magnifying glass.)

We talked about the 3 rules again. I made him verbalize them in his words before reminding him of the actual 3 rules.

1.(emoji busts) No severe upsets. Don’t do things that cause anger, frustration, sadness, crying, screaming, etc. In himself or anyone else- especially on purpose.

2. (broken dump truck) Don’t break things, his own toys or anyone else’s stuff. It leads to #1. Respect belongings, especially other people’s stuff.

3. (band-aid on knee with pain marks) Don’t cause hurts for himself or anyone else. That means think before doing and be careful when he does go do things. Again hurts lead back to #1.

He got the rules enough to repeat them a couple of times with lots of sighs. I reminded him that it may seem like a lot, but really everything he gets yelled at over links back to one of those 3. I also reminded him that when he remembers and follows those 3 rules, that the loves and smiles automatically happen. He always gets lots of loves when he has been good.

I know he appreciated it because he spent a long time (for him) looking at it. Then he wanted to take it with him to get ready for bed. I told him it could stay put for now and we would get it hung on his wall as soon as possible. I’m glad that he does appreciate it, now if I can just get the arguing to cease.

I’ll end with my blessing and cute kitties: Buddy and Missy were laying in a heart shape today, and I did my best to meet that vibration.

May you have positive outcomes even when having a challenging day. May you have wonderful creative collaborations. May you find ways to show your children you love and respect them. May you connect with your kids in meaningful ways. May your kids appreciate what you do for them. May you find a way through misbehavior. May you feel loved and supported. May you glimpse inspiration even through frustration. May calmer, brighter, vividly joyful days fill your life.

Siva Hir Su

Memories of love never fade, part 2

This week I have taken a lot more time to attempt to find cooperation within myself. I have come to a conclusion that my 6 roles of people I love, as well as elements of my health puzzle, are both tied to something in me that prevents elements from cooperating and working together. There is something, some belief, that has caused a chain reaction of things I love failing to work together properly. Examples would be: the flavors I love failing to be what my pancreas and digestive system want, the people I have attracted and love so dearly failing to accept all of me including my Nathan and kids, Etc.

So, despite not feeling like I really trust myself or my intuition, I am determined I will figure it out. In the meantime I’m choosing to focus on things that already work or produce happy thoughts. It takes the sting out of the puzzle and my self-isolation. It smoothes out the rough edges of my otherwise uneventful days of self-induced lonliness (some things must be experienced and resolved alone).

Anyway, after having my stroll of love down memory lane in my last post, I began to remember all of the resident stories that have helped me to see the permanence of love.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I work with elderly through contracts with multiple facilities ranging from Independent Living 55+ apartments to high security dementia facilities. Over nearly a decade I’ve come in contact with many people that have little to no memory, but all of those which are still able to speak have always shared stories of love.

I remember many stories from my one lady who is now well over 100. Her husband was a pilot and she had 4 kids with him. She tells me all the time how wonderful a man he was and how she spent all her time trying to keep up with the boys. At this point she’s lost so much of her memory that she frequently forgets he’s already passed away, and will often ask if he’s on his way to pick her up. I always go along with the story, but find it amazing when after all the years without him, and having so little memory left she can remember how much love they shared.

Yet she is not alone. I have had many just like her.

Mrs. A would always look at her husband’s picture and tell me how he was a good looking guy that all the girls wanted, but he was hers. He was her good man. He was absolutely the best she could have hoped for. She used to long just to be with him again and prayed for her life to end so she could rejoin him. I think she has.

One of my ladies had 3 husbands. One was no good she said. She loved him, but he didn’t take care of himself and died leaving her a single parent to 3 kids. The second was a scoundrel that upon his death left her and the kids with massive debt to repay, and the 3rd she loved, but there was a prenuptial agreement that protected them both. They entered marriage independent and when his kids put him in a memory care facility she filed for divorce to again ensure independence. She would rather be completely on her own than greedy step-kids possibly harming her for her life savings. She always said “I did it my way” but would still tell me stories of her moments of love with each of the men, and get weepy over romantic love songs. My favorite was her story of being in Ireland with husband 3 staying at a little cottage in the countryside, I pictured a very charming man, suave yet very down-to-earth. I think of her and her 3 husbands and hope one day I’ll be telling stories of my poly-family and admitting the worst problems were overcome with a little patience.

I’ve had the privilege of being around several couples which even after multiple decades married still got along extremely well.

There was Mr. & Mrs. S who traveled the world together, spoke multiple languages, and would make dirty jokes even though they were in their upper 80’s. He was a charmer and she was very independent but aimiable. They took turns teasing or scolding each other. It was quite adorable. They told me many stories of their travels together and some awfully funny moments that are the kind that only happen to seasoned partners in love (probably because they would break immature relationships).

Then there was Mr. and Mrs. A. They were both very quiet, but always glued at the hip. She told me of when they first got married. She said he wouldn’t have made it through basic training if it weren’t for her doing his laundry and getting him ready every day. He would just smile sheepishly and say “that’s no lie”. They were so sweet, still are. I only see them once in a while, but every time I do it warms my heart.

One couple, the husband had very severe dementia, and his wife would visit 2 to 3 times a week, sometimes more. She would say he doesn’t remember me, but I told her what I saw. I watched a man that couldn’t find her name on the tip of his tongue, but would light up with joy when she visited. I watched the same man cry after she left and get angry with staff when they wouldn’t let him follow her. He just knew he loved her even though his brain wouldn’t remember how to make the words work to convey it. I know that feeling. I have been there when my allergen induced depression prevented words and all I could do was cry. It’s the love behind it all that matters.

My own dad, just beginning to really show dementia, can’t understand why mom left. He only remembers the good things. He only remembers the loving moments. He doesn’t understand that she remembers the other not-so-good moments because her memory is still fresh. He wants her back, but she’s not able to do that because she was hurt and the wounds still sting. My dad still loves her, and she admits she loves him, but just can’t be hurt anymore. She says she’s too old to put up with the hurts just because she loves him. She does better alone, she swears, but I know her lonliness sometimes makes her wonder.

There are so many stories like these, and I’ve only worked with elderly for 7 years. I can’t imagine how many stories more seasoned staff have. It is a huge comfort to me, a wonderful reminder, that at the end of everything, love always prevails, even when hurts have happened.

The human spirit is resilient, but love is the most resilient of all.

May you feel love, for yourself, for a significant other (or 2 or 3 or 4); for children, pets, and extended family. May that love carry with it many many good memories that last until your dieing day. May you always find those memories of love within reach and easy to recall. May you always be able to express your love easily and have it accepted by those hearing your words. May you love yourself as much as any other. May you always find the perfect way to express your love, and may you always trust yourself and your intuition.

Siva Hir Su

Character on the stage of life.

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” -William Shakespeare

My one brother, at the wedding in October, told me that he had no idea how I did it. He was referencing my life and the hours I work and everything I do for my family. This is the brother I have always felt had his shit together the best. Of all our family, I thought he was the smartest, I thought he was the most disciplined, I thought he was the most organized and well respected.

Yet, here he was telling me that he had no idea how I did it, and my only answer was: I had to, I didn’t really feel I had any other options. Between loving my husband, and being raised that welfare and social programs were a necessary unwanted evil, as well as divorce being a last resort, I just knew it was sink or swim. I chose to swim the best I could, and I think most of us would aim for that.

I have played meek and I have played strong. I have played timid, bashful, and shy; yet also confident, outgoing and talkative.

I have played the hard worker, the dependable, the confidant. I have over-played my hand and underplayed my skills, but managed by the grace of God to be successful in my business and support my family. I have surprised and delighted many and disappointed probably twice as many. I have been well spoken and diplomatic, but other times I have inserted foot-in-mouth. I sometimes make the best joker, but other times miss the joke all together.

I’m a fierce warrior like Joan of Arc, that frequently wishes to run and hide, rather wishing for a better Knight to save me. And spiritually: Jesus couldn’t reach me for the burden of my childhood, so I found Shiva as an adult (really they are one and the same, 2 aspects of the same divine masculine).

I’m a mother who gave birth to two beautiful healthy children and helped a third start her life. I’m the father that fixes what’s broken, makes a better home, and provides for it all. I have lady parts, but men’s hormones and hair- just not enough of them to count for their benefits. I’m attracted to both, and want them all to love me and get along with each other.

I’m an animal lover guilty of having consumed more than my fair share of non-pets. I’m a creative artist that can do calculus, though a bit rusty at both right now. I’m an excellent massage therapist, and decent musician and cook.

Loved, loving, lovable

Nathan helped me after work yesterday. We pulled cards and he helped me figure out the meaning, the story the cards told, what the hell I was feeling and experiencing.

There were 7 people, I was the center one, the other 6 were the people I had been feeling in my body all day, and as we talked over the cards I could feel which person was what spot in my body. At the end of the reading I realized that it was my birth family recreated, that each role I could relate to parents or siblings in childhood, but also to the current and recent past. It seems to this day, I love them all and just wish they got along because I love them.

My intuitive flash was that I just need to focus on the positive elements of each of the 6 roles. That they keep re-manifesting because I need to focus and put all the positives together. Yet at the same time understanding their roles in the first place to let them off the hook. They are not responsible for my happiness. I can love them without needing them to keep reappearing in my life. They only need be in my life if they want to be.

1) There’s the mature man with finances to spare, but emotions are upside down because his world was turned upside down. I still love him and hope he sees that. He was kind and soft spoken. He was commanding not because of force or volume, but because everyone knew when he spoke he had something important to contribute. He was strong and lean and healthy and easy going. He was gentle but passionate. He gave excellent back rubs and was one of the best computer programmers I knew. He had adorable wavy hair I always wanted to play with, and cute glasses. He was focused and driven with regards to his work. He was generous and loving and a good friend to everyone around him. He was super smart but also down to earth and could talk to anyone. He will always have my heart, no matter what.

2) There’s the shooting for the stars man. More mature than anyone gives credit, but because he’s shooting for the stars might be a bit overconfident in his own abilities, it makes for good learning lessons. He has stable finances, but grand ideas on how to manage them, which occasionally comes off as a bit ungrounded, but to me that’s endearing/cute. He’s also strong and passionate, and can be gentle when he wants. He’s a gentlemen when he focuses and is mindful of his touch and affect on people. He senses energy like me and wants to do the right thing, but doesn’t know how to respond when the energy is more intense than expected (I also think he’s figuring it out as he goes- just like me). He knows how to have fun and is kind to everyone. He is far more open and accepting than anyone will ever give him credit and I suspect he feels pigeonholed. He wants to be accepted for who he is as much as I do, and also has big dreams of helping people in grand ways. He’s handsome to me, especially in moments of kindness, and I appreciate that he wants to have his act together, not just look like it. I also appreciate that he has goals of fighting the good fight and being faithful in every sense of the word. He is very capable and optimistic and carefully contemplates consequences before taking action. He trusts his gut and follows his instincts well. He’s often intense, but a very deep thinker that no one notices. He’s good at whatever he desires to put his efforts into. I will love him whether he ever loves me or not. He is a good person at heart.

3) There’s the woman I’ll call my angel with broken wings. She parallels my mom, and I’ve already had this role refilled a couple of times. Overlooking victim mentality, she’s beautiful and kind. She is flexible and able to go with the flow. She’s often more solution oriented because of the problems she has faced. She is usually strong and always wants to be loved, just has a hard time seeing/receiving it. She’s a wonderful mom and intent on helping others avoid traumas she faced. She brings out the helper and healer in me. She wants everyone to feel good and feel loved. She’s a great cook and very organized. She wants to put people at ease and save them from hurts. She wants to help make the world a more beautiful place. She is sincere and good at making you feel like the center of the universe when she focuses. She’ll literally pick you up when you fall, even if it hurts herself in the process. She deserves someone that can get through her defences and give her the same in return. She’ll have my heart forever even though she never noticed she got it in the first place.

4) Mr honesty (Nathan and one of my brothers). So honest that he can’t even slant the story to make it sound better. Yet very loving and strong. He wants to be there for you as much as possible but knows his own limitations and downfalls. He is easily distracted by all that glitters as gold, but has a keen sense of what is genuine and worth keeping. His heart is true and faithful. He is more likely to let his health suffer than to avoid work or being there for his chosen family. Once he’s committed he’s all in, and for the duration of his life. He is very creative and able to solve many problems, and confident in those few things that he has taken great care to master. He is a kind and patient father and good husband. A little patience goes a long ways for seeing things through with him. He has my heart and knows it, but because he knows it, he is confident in allowing me to be me in whatever way that means, and is ready to give me a hug if I fall and hurt myself.

5) Intensely connected. He is real, and I’ve heard his voice, he’s not dead. We share the same energy stream so intensely that emotions ping pong off each other. Every emotion flows so easily through the ethers that I feel like I know him a thousand ways, and a thousand lifetimes over. He’s curious and passionate, a hard worker and with highly admirable lofty dreams of helping whole families. He’s intelligent and multilingual. He’s an engineer like my dad and one brother. He’s a dreamer like me but a bit more practical in application. Adorable, charming, open and accepting. He wants everyone to be happy and get along, and like me wants everyone to feel the loving connection. He’s willing to work on himself and keep improving. He won my heart years ago, and knows it, but doesn’t know why. I would love to explore why, but know I will find my happiness even if that doesn’t happen.

6) Known unknown, this slot is representative of my younger sibling and also the person whom is connected to Mr Intensely Connected (as felt during the reading-left side of my heart), the cards that came out could also apply to a couple of other people I’ve known. I feel them and care deeply, but there is a lot I don’t know about them.  I know by virtue of being in my bubble (my little brother being family) they are innately a good person. You don’t get years of association with good people, being raised by good people, and turn out to be that nasty. Yet, I’ve not had the luxury to fully see the way life has moulded their being into strengths and weaknesses. I get a sense that they lean toward scientific minded and chalk many things up to chance. I know my brother is honest and genuine and doing his best to leave a positive mark on this world also, so I like to think the others are similar. Honorable and relatively easy going, but compassionate even when not necessarily on the path of least resistance. The kind of person in search of their truths and able to examine things more objectively than most.

Those were the 6 people of the reading, the types that I keep re-attracting, and feeling in my body. It made sense to me. Why I was feeling them for nearly 2 days straight I’m not sure. All I know is I was being told to only focus on their good traits and let them off the hook.

So if you know you’re one of those people and you read my blog to keep up with me, I release you. I let you go. You’re not responsible for my well-being or my happiness. I only want you in my life if you want to be, but especially enough wanting to ease into finding a way to coexist with anyone else in my experience. I know I can’t make people get along, and I know that others are not responsible for my happiness. I’m willing to allow others to come and go as they need and I’m willing for others to display their affection or lack thereof in whatever ways they see fit. I am willing to let God take over the connections and help me to have my best life. I am willing to give love unconditionally because that is what God wants of me. I am willing to let go and let God.

I have experienced a knowing this week, through the help of changing energies and my finger tips. A knowing so deep that words fail, but which will last in my memory until my dieing day. A knowing simply of letting go of control can actually help things work better. It started with feeling the others, with feeling clients, continued with telling cells they can take the day off and relax, with visualizing warm sun on skin to enable relaxation, and ended with a long awaited phone call. I like this new knowing and I’m very grateful for the understanding.

May you all find a way to let go and let God. May you give your cells, your whole body, a break- let them release each other and feel sensations of things they miss. May you feel unconditional love and a knowing of your connection to God. May you understand why you keep repeating elements of your life. May you find a way to give control back to the divine. May you see all of the benefits of that in your life. May you feel blessed and divinely guided.

Siva Hir Su

Is the bar is too high for you?

I’m sorry, but the bar has already been set by two people in my life, not to mention all of my life experience. You, half heartedly trying, just don’t seem to be able to reach it, it is obvious you think you can if you wanted to.

The bar is set by all these moments in my memory that showed genuine caring. You have not demonstrated any of them yet, if you are hesitating, it’s about to be too long. If you are holding back in fear of hurts, it will only lead to that. If you want love with me it has to be shown. My life taught me love by the way it feels, that’s what I’m looking for, and I am seeking only more of that.

Those moments, here’s a few to contemplate:

  • Fixing my drinks and food taking time to acknowledge all of the things I’ve learned about my body, so the nutrition comes without any nasty side effects.
  • The kind of caring that I could feel the energetic ripple of hurt and anguish when we both watched the semi-truck attack in France via Reddit.
  • Caring where we can sit for hours and talk not just about the weather and current events; but goals, hopes, dreams, and deeply held beliefs, and make plans, action steps, to accomplish some of them.
  • Acknowledgement that we do share an energetic connection both in good and bad, and of course the good arousal that comes with that. The deeper experience, not relying on mere good looks and physical attraction, and willingness to ride through the downs to enjoy spectacular ups.
  • The feel of comforting gestures of true concern, the caresses and embraces.
  • Taking time to find not just one, but many shared goals and dreams, a multiplicity of common ground, and the ensuing conversations of the many ways those could play out together in a shared experience.
  • A desire to love and be loved, shown through a myriad of small things that ultimately amounts to a desire to please me often just because you care.
  • Words of encouragement offered when I am down, but more a helping hand when you could otherwise easily opt out, and especially when you have a really good reason not to (Nathan helping at his pace, as he is able, instead of playing the ‘weak-heart card’ to get out of everything.)
  • A strong desire to have family with me and contribute to the growth of another human being with potential to help this world. A shared goal of being good parents and role models regardless of the massive amount of work and responsibility that entails. Even further, helping me when I have moments of failure in regards to that goal.
  • Moments where I am the lucky recipient of expressions of love, a desire to be with me, a desire to know everything about me, desires to have, hold, and support me and our connection. I rarely have to ask for those, and usually when I do, I’m the one having a weak moment where I can’t reach even recent memories of them.
  • The excitement of just getting to spend time with one, just the thought of getting to talk to one. Looking forward to togetherness.
  • The comfort of knowing I’m not alone.
  • The warmth of deep long hugs.
  • The smell of bouquets of flowers, healthy yummy foods, warm chocolate, and clean body next to mine.
  • The knowing that my support is received at some level of consequence, some sacrifice, that I’m honored in a moment over something else you wanted, I was the winner of your choice. My response will be eventually figuring out a way to reward you with both me and the thing you could have done. And knowing that my acknowledgement of that is reciprocated in like.
  • Holding my hand or other moments of affection, not afraid of demonstrating your love for me, because acceptance doesn’t deter your love.
  • Sharing moments of expressions of what we find beautiful in each other. Words do often matter because they are expressions of our feelings. Knowing we feel each other’s emotions, is given vivid highlights when those feelings find words on lips and in ears. The focus of the same vibration in two bodies, on 2 mouths, in 4 ears is wonderful. It becomes an amplification that welcomes more. [Side note: I bet that same amplification worked in group setting. Why do people pick sides and argue instead of finding common ground and expressions of caring?]
  • Helping me, or encouraging me, to keep my puzzle together or fix things when I lapse. That shows that you care about my well being. Sometimes being human means messing up and its effects are reduced when another shows that care. Life happens, no one is perfect, but being there for another makes it better.
  • Understanding when words fail. Words on ears can amplify good vibrations, but sometimes lips can’t find the right words. Being able to understand and respond to, what’s failing to be expressed, is immensely important. When joy is so great that silence calls and tears fall in everyone’s eyes the experience is still shared and amplified. When grief chokes a throat and tears fall, but are met with a gentle shoulder and hug, the grief is lessened. Those moments are our divinity gracing our lives. Those are our connection.
  • To feel another and know another on a level which others find disbelief, is a gift that everyone in this world deserves, but few rarely find, and even fewer can express to the hopeful.

I love deeply and soulfully, and I seek the same. All are still welcome in my life, as we associate with many people in many ways in our lifetimes. However, if love with me is desired, one has to allow that soulful connection to blossom. I prefer to look at blossoms. I prefer to hold blossoms. I may be occasionally easily distracted and frequently too busy to stop and smell the roses, but when I do they get my undivided attention for as long as I can spare (and sometimes I just want to be buried in all the roses).

I love.

I’m super tired and we’re still not completely done with clearing out the rental. I’ve had to go back to work, so the pace slowed in a major way with Nathan doing his best to wrap up the rest. To top it off I definitely strained/sprained my shoulder and have had to do everything available to attempt to get it back to functionality as quickly as possible. That process has left me feeling better physically, but open to energetic junk and I have spent all day feeling someone’s extreme sadness. I fought tears all afternoon promising myself I would not cry on clients again.

To that end I have done everything I could to attempt to stay buoyant. I created a list of “I love” mentally to repeat to get through my afternoon.

  • I love kitties, small and big.
  • I love sunshine.
  • I love soft fuzzy warm blankets.
  • I love feeling good.
  • I love my hair (even though I need a haircut desperately, it still looks decent and is soft).
  • I love flowers.
  • I love beautiful things.
  • I love being able to feel others (most of the time) because it helps me to help them. (Occasional exceptions apply).
  • I love Tesla cars.
  • I love alternate energy sources.
  • I love cute babies.
  • I love seeing my children have fun and smiling.
  • I love my strength.
  • I love real wood floors… And tile.
  • I love fire and fireplaces.
  • I love colorful things.
  • I love the first snow of the year (especially if I get to stay home).
  • I love massages.
  • I love candles,crystals, and gemstones… All pretty things.
  • I love having fun.
  • I love cuddling and snuggling with Nathan, kids and pets.
  • I love lemon water.
  • I love spring and Autumn- flowers blooming and colorful leaves.
  • I love celebrating anything.
  • I love seeing others be supported by friends and family… I told the office manager I’m just a little jealous and want to be like her when I grow up because she has so many good friends that show up for her.

There was more, but tired and achy just won.

May you have speedy recoveries, healthy days, and feel good mostly. May your tears stay at bay when needed and may you always have good friends that show up for you. May your list of loves be plentiful and present, and easily remembered when absent. May you have all the rest you need and energy for all your activities, chosen and otherwise.

Good night y’all.

Siva Hir Su

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su

2 Things:

No Love at the King

In the house buying process, there are moments where you set appointments and everyone has to show up to accommodate.

One such moment, we ran very early. Unusual for us, being we’re usually a few minutes late, but it necessitated finding someplace to burn 30 minuets. Burger King was our only available answer.

I haven’t had fast food at all in over 2 years, and it’s been probably 3 years since I’ve set foot in a Burger King.

We ordered fountain drinks and a small bite to eat. I got as close to my needs as BK had available. Our “meal” cost all of $6.00.

As I went to get my drink of choice: tea; I discovered that there was no unsweetened tea available. I went with raspberry tea, because though it’s been a while, I thought I knew what to expect.

We sat down and proceeded to consume our time and our food.

I took one sip of the tea and nearly gagged from it’s overly sweet consistency. It was far sweeter than I remembered raspberry tea being. Then I took a bite of my food and I could taste the extreme amount of sodium in it. It also tasted just horrible to me.

I should have immediately spit it out and thrown the rest away.

Did I?

No

Two reasons:

First, I suspect that the short span of time the food was in my system was just enough to trigger the old patterns of addiction. My brain launched the familiar chemical storm response to an old, well ingrained trigger. As I’ve said before, there’s a reason they’re called addictions.

Secondly, I was trained very well from an early age not to be wasteful because there are people in this world starving. I had the luxury of buying such a meal, I should not waste it.

So yes, between the two I consumed most of what was in front of me, only dumping half the drink down the drain.

Feeling dirty, I then looked around and realized that the whole environment was like my meal. I saw all the dirt, the uncleaned surfaces, the dingy decor, the burnt out lightbulbs. The visually unappealing environment was nearly depressing.

I realized there was no love at Burger King.

No one had put any love into any aspect of this experience.

No one had made the food with loving care. No one had cooked the food with loving care. No one had served the food with loving care. No one had cleaned with loving care. And evidence of litter on the floor and on tables indicated that patrons had shown no loving care either.

I felt that was the reason that fast food was so hard on as person’s physiology. I also felt sad that this moment was evidence of millions of people’s daily existence. I wished for better for everyone.

I sent a prayer as we left to head to our nearby appointment.

My prayer started with a request for the food to impact my system in the gentlest way possible. Then I prayed that those millions of consumers find the love for themselves and God. That our society finds a way to show the love more and respect each other in every way, even down to cleaning adequately.

Show the love, even or especially when you work somewhere that you could just get by with a minimum of effort.

Western Medicine- Please Acknowledge:

Just because studies document averages, doesn’t mean we are all average.

I’m one such person, breaking pretty much every widely accepted norm. I am not average.

My thyroid personal-normal skirts the high side of the acceptable range of function.

My body wants an hour or more of exercise nearly every day. One day off is okay, but 2 or more and my body starts down a slippery slope that becomes difficult to stop.

My body does not tolerate many foods that are considered normal healthy foods for average people. Nightshades are a perfect example, but also chicken, turkey, beef, pork, walnuts, and nearly every grain. For any average individual, any one of those foods may be okay, but my body no longer tolerates them.

My body needs more fluids than the average acceptable intake. I drink a minimum of a gallon a day, usually quite a bit more.

My health puzzle has found many solutions that are not pills, but work quite well if I am able to maintain them.

My blood sugars are indicators of my puzzle pieces falling out of place, not true disease. When I keep my puzzle completely together my glucose numbers are perfect all the time, without medical intervention.

My body is ultra sensitive to changes that are not for my highest benefit. Simple as that.

Please, please acknowledge that some of us are unique, different, and the average solution is unnecessary and perhaps hazardous. That’s all.

This ultra sensitive unique person will continue to work on myself and my puzzle, which often includes blogging while on a treadmill, just like right now!

May you feel the love in every way, especially your food experiences and health journey. May you find everything you need and desire and have an easy path. May information always come when you need it. May your health providers work with you as an individual. May we all find our puzzle and the love and fortitude to keep it together.

Blessings

Siva Hir Su

Joyous celebrating.

Today I had another forced fasting, and probably tomorrow as well. Hangover induced from wedding celebrations. Man I pissed my liver off!

The wedding was wonderful, I was able to help my little brother setup and tear down a beautiful celebration. It was not expected by him, as they had planned everything as meticulously as I would have. However, I showed up with gusto and my ready, willing, and able attitude. So he allowed me to assemble their archway and help setup chairs. I was more than happy to oblige both.

The night before, and during the day of the wedding, my mom and eldest brother thought it great to get everyone schnooked. I can only speak to myself and my observations. I know I was fully inebriated at least 4 times, and it seemed to me I wasn’t alone. During the reception when speeches started, mom looked around our family table and asked: is anyone sober enough to give a congratulatory speech to them. My eldest brother having years of military drinking under his belt conceded that he was likely best able even when drunk. It was a too funny moment, but his speech was as wonderful as any.

I was very glad to see my youngest brother have a wonderful wedding and glad to see the family together. I wished him well many times over and gave him as many hugs as I could inflict on him. (My family is not exactly touchy feely and Nathan and I usually push those boundaries a bit.) It’s worth it though. I got very mushy several times over.

The only one not present was dad, and we all knew why. I was slightly sad because my dad really has no clue why most of the family ignores him. My eldest brother and I are really the only ones that keep in contact with him and do our best to keep track of him. We’ve both come to our own understanding that though his methods were least desired by us children, he was merely doing what he knew how, what he thought he was supposed to do. He really didn’t know any other way, and we really could have fared far worse, he’s on the shallow end of the spectrum of abusiveness. I have forgiven most of my traumatic moments in an effort to retrain myself to a better way. One by one I forgive, and work on rewiring my brain to reach for better choices in my equivalent moments; which I’ve addressed many times over as being an ongoing process with many failures on my part. It’s not too late for me, but it seems by situation and ongoing choices, it may be so for dad. I know he will see and understand when he rejoins our maker.

Anyway, tangent aside, there were good conversations and time shared as family. That was very welcomed. Also, the many jokes and good natured jabs at each other was good relief for the emotional system. Katherine stole the show a couple of times simply being an adorable toddler dancing to music and trying to figure out the guitar the bride’s nephew played. It was simply a good time all around.

However, I did get far too much alcohol, gluten, and dairy, and thus my system is ultra angry and working on serious detoxing. Today was a good start, being I consumed 1 Lara bar, spread over the whole day, and 1 bowl of very light veggie soup at dinner, with as many ounces of water as I could stomach throughout the day. The queasy angry liver was by far the biggest deterrent to consuming anything in any significant quantity. By this point most of the queasy feeling has subsided, so I’m hopeful I’ll be able to hydrate better tomorrow. I’m not worried about consuming calories yet, mainly because I ate in 3 days what I would normally spread over a week, and as I previously mentioned pretty much all my major allergens were consumed, which spiked my sugar horribly. I have probably an extra 200 calories just floating around in my blood stream 🤣.

Seriously though, laughing aside, I’ve decided weddings- though wonderfully joyous occasions- are not good for making healthy decisions. If anyone knows a solution there, I’m all ears- feel free to leave comments as such. That would be good to know even if there aren’t many weddings to anticipate in my family at the moment.

May you all have joyous celebrations which are easy on your system. May you all feel the love and find life partners to experience joy with. May you all have good times with family and experience a feeling of belonging. Finally, may you all have just what you need and enjoy yourself in ways gentle to your system.

Siva Hir Su