Tag Archives: feel the love

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su

2 Things:

No Love at the King

In the house buying process, there are moments where you set appointments and everyone has to show up to accommodate.

One such moment, we ran very early. Unusual for us, being we’re usually a few minutes late, but it necessitated finding someplace to burn 30 minuets. Burger King was our only available answer.

I haven’t had fast food at all in over 2 years, and it’s been probably 3 years since I’ve set foot in a Burger King.

We ordered fountain drinks and a small bite to eat. I got as close to my needs as BK had available. Our “meal” cost all of $6.00.

As I went to get my drink of choice: tea; I discovered that there was no unsweetened tea available. I went with raspberry tea, because though it’s been a while, I thought I knew what to expect.

We sat down and proceeded to consume our time and our food.

I took one sip of the tea and nearly gagged from it’s overly sweet consistency. It was far sweeter than I remembered raspberry tea being. Then I took a bite of my food and I could taste the extreme amount of sodium in it. It also tasted just horrible to me.

I should have immediately spit it out and thrown the rest away.

Did I?

No

Two reasons:

First, I suspect that the short span of time the food was in my system was just enough to trigger the old patterns of addiction. My brain launched the familiar chemical storm response to an old, well ingrained trigger. As I’ve said before, there’s a reason they’re called addictions.

Secondly, I was trained very well from an early age not to be wasteful because there are people in this world starving. I had the luxury of buying such a meal, I should not waste it.

So yes, between the two I consumed most of what was in front of me, only dumping half the drink down the drain.

Feeling dirty, I then looked around and realized that the whole environment was like my meal. I saw all the dirt, the uncleaned surfaces, the dingy decor, the burnt out lightbulbs. The visually unappealing environment was nearly depressing.

I realized there was no love at Burger King.

No one had put any love into any aspect of this experience.

No one had made the food with loving care. No one had cooked the food with loving care. No one had served the food with loving care. No one had cleaned with loving care. And evidence of litter on the floor and on tables indicated that patrons had shown no loving care either.

I felt that was the reason that fast food was so hard on as person’s physiology. I also felt sad that this moment was evidence of millions of people’s daily existence. I wished for better for everyone.

I sent a prayer as we left to head to our nearby appointment.

My prayer started with a request for the food to impact my system in the gentlest way possible. Then I prayed that those millions of consumers find the love for themselves and God. That our society finds a way to show the love more and respect each other in every way, even down to cleaning adequately.

Show the love, even or especially when you work somewhere that you could just get by with a minimum of effort.

Western Medicine- Please Acknowledge:

Just because studies document averages, doesn’t mean we are all average.

I’m one such person, breaking pretty much every widely accepted norm. I am not average.

My thyroid personal-normal skirts the high side of the acceptable range of function.

My body wants an hour or more of exercise nearly every day. One day off is okay, but 2 or more and my body starts down a slippery slope that becomes difficult to stop.

My body does not tolerate many foods that are considered normal healthy foods for average people. Nightshades are a perfect example, but also chicken, turkey, beef, pork, walnuts, and nearly every grain. For any average individual, any one of those foods may be okay, but my body no longer tolerates them.

My body needs more fluids than the average acceptable intake. I drink a minimum of a gallon a day, usually quite a bit more.

My health puzzle has found many solutions that are not pills, but work quite well if I am able to maintain them.

My blood sugars are indicators of my puzzle pieces falling out of place, not true disease. When I keep my puzzle completely together my glucose numbers are perfect all the time, without medical intervention.

My body is ultra sensitive to changes that are not for my highest benefit. Simple as that.

Please, please acknowledge that some of us are unique, different, and the average solution is unnecessary and perhaps hazardous. That’s all.

This ultra sensitive unique person will continue to work on myself and my puzzle, which often includes blogging while on a treadmill, just like right now!

May you feel the love in every way, especially your food experiences and health journey. May you find everything you need and desire and have an easy path. May information always come when you need it. May your health providers work with you as an individual. May we all find our puzzle and the love and fortitude to keep it together.

Blessings

Siva Hir Su

Joyous celebrating.

Today I had another forced fasting, and probably tomorrow as well. Hangover induced from wedding celebrations. Man I pissed my liver off!

The wedding was wonderful, I was able to help my little brother setup and tear down a beautiful celebration. It was not expected by him, as they had planned everything as meticulously as I would have. However, I showed up with gusto and my ready, willing, and able attitude. So he allowed me to assemble their archway and help setup chairs. I was more than happy to oblige both.

The night before, and during the day of the wedding, my mom and eldest brother thought it great to get everyone schnooked. I can only speak to myself and my observations. I know I was fully inebriated at least 4 times, and it seemed to me I wasn’t alone. During the reception when speeches started, mom looked around our family table and asked: is anyone sober enough to give a congratulatory speech to them. My eldest brother having years of military drinking under his belt conceded that he was likely best able even when drunk. It was a too funny moment, but his speech was as wonderful as any.

I was very glad to see my youngest brother have a wonderful wedding and glad to see the family together. I wished him well many times over and gave him as many hugs as I could inflict on him. (My family is not exactly touchy feely and Nathan and I usually push those boundaries a bit.) It’s worth it though. I got very mushy several times over.

The only one not present was dad, and we all knew why. I was slightly sad because my dad really has no clue why most of the family ignores him. My eldest brother and I are really the only ones that keep in contact with him and do our best to keep track of him. We’ve both come to our own understanding that though his methods were least desired by us children, he was merely doing what he knew how, what he thought he was supposed to do. He really didn’t know any other way, and we really could have fared far worse, he’s on the shallow end of the spectrum of abusiveness. I have forgiven most of my traumatic moments in an effort to retrain myself to a better way. One by one I forgive, and work on rewiring my brain to reach for better choices in my equivalent moments; which I’ve addressed many times over as being an ongoing process with many failures on my part. It’s not too late for me, but it seems by situation and ongoing choices, it may be so for dad. I know he will see and understand when he rejoins our maker.

Anyway, tangent aside, there were good conversations and time shared as family. That was very welcomed. Also, the many jokes and good natured jabs at each other was good relief for the emotional system. Katherine stole the show a couple of times simply being an adorable toddler dancing to music and trying to figure out the guitar the bride’s nephew played. It was simply a good time all around.

However, I did get far too much alcohol, gluten, and dairy, and thus my system is ultra angry and working on serious detoxing. Today was a good start, being I consumed 1 Lara bar, spread over the whole day, and 1 bowl of very light veggie soup at dinner, with as many ounces of water as I could stomach throughout the day. The queasy angry liver was by far the biggest deterrent to consuming anything in any significant quantity. By this point most of the queasy feeling has subsided, so I’m hopeful I’ll be able to hydrate better tomorrow. I’m not worried about consuming calories yet, mainly because I ate in 3 days what I would normally spread over a week, and as I previously mentioned pretty much all my major allergens were consumed, which spiked my sugar horribly. I have probably an extra 200 calories just floating around in my blood stream 🤣.

Seriously though, laughing aside, I’ve decided weddings- though wonderfully joyous occasions- are not good for making healthy decisions. If anyone knows a solution there, I’m all ears- feel free to leave comments as such. That would be good to know even if there aren’t many weddings to anticipate in my family at the moment.

May you all have joyous celebrations which are easy on your system. May you all feel the love and find life partners to experience joy with. May you all have good times with family and experience a feeling of belonging. Finally, may you all have just what you need and enjoy yourself in ways gentle to your system.

Siva Hir Su

Addicted To Love

This evening with my children was good, great in fact. Once I figured out how to reel in my children’s scream reflex, it went much better.

I was able to sit with Ian and let him use the paint program on the computer. He did his auto-writing again, this time digitally. I understood that was happening, but not what the message was. I only noticed that I knew some of the characters that showed up in his scribbles. There was again hindi and telegu characters, and I am amazed that something I barely understand myself is showing up in his “writing”. Whomever he is connected to asked me very quietly, through his voice, what I was listening to. When I went to respond Ian came back fully and was very confused about what Kaleo was. I explained it was a band name and I didn’t name them, so I wasn’t sure why they were called that.

Later I put our Jason Mraz Pandora station on and danced with both Katherine and Ian. It was much needed connection time. I felt very blessed to be with my children, especially having figured out the magic mix of what they needed to ground and relax with mommy.

It has been a very feel-good mushy evening, and at this point both are working on bedtime rituals.

At one point I found myself thinking about my Indian person because an Ed Sheeran song played that I listened to when I was talking to them. I got an image of them being very angry, and directing it at me. I apologized profusely and started crying quietly. Yet, whomever I was connecting with said they really weren’t mad at me, they were mad at themselves for not being able to come forward and tell the truth. That made me even sadder. Nathan caught me with “the look” on my face, and buddy came running and gave me a head-butt. Nathan told me he always knew something was up when buddy did that, and asked me what was going on. I asked him why I love people so easily and why was he (Nathan) the only one willing to be as honest and affectionate as is humanly possible with me. Why was he the only one that could really show me the love I give so much.  I just don’t understand how 2 people so willing to build family and work toward common goals keep having train wrecks of one sided love. He replied with an I don’t know, but the story isn’t over and maybe they will at some point. He’s so damn optimistic, but sometimes at the least helpful times.

I had a moment where I thought about the divine and how the divine has saved my life with giving me the tools and information to fix my health on several occasions, especially in regards to my depression journey. I was expressing that sentiment to God, that I love God, as much as I love those people that don’t return the love to me. In reply I literally heard- Imagine that you are god and that response is nearly everyone on the planet. I love them all, but very few actually return that love to me.

That made me sad too.

It made me think. Perhaps we all have this love thing all effed up. Perhaps we’re all doing it wrong or have learned the wrong things as showing our love.

I know for me when I think about my love for the divine, I think about all those smaller moments that have accumulated in being able to say that god has saved my life. I think about how the divine literally moves through me when I am working on people in my office. I think about how I know that god force allowed into my body provides me very real healing moments. I think about all the warm fuzzy sensations in my body which I feel when the divine presence is in me. Simply thinking of these things makes me swell with gratitude and I literally feel more love. I naturally turn that love back to the source of it all, that divine presence. It is definitely a very addictive feeling place for me.

I openly admit that I occasionally get the divine flow confused with the mental connection I have with that person, because they both strengthened in my life during the same timeline, and at times can have a similar feeling. Because of that I do sometimes visualize the divine in the same way, to be able to provide a hug or kiss as a sign of my affection. Yet, I know that the feeling place is the most important aspect. That feeling place has no face, has no ability to truly hug or kiss.

It just is.

How does one show love to something that is all around you and within you?

How does one prove to God that your love is genuine?

For me, I tend to think of how I show my love to other people:

I try to notice things they have done. I try to show that I have noticed their effect on our shared environment or good interactions they have with others. I try to give love by giving gifts or giving of myself. I give affection, I support in any way I can. I try to notice the little things about them, their likes, their preferences, their interests. I do my best to be kind, supportive, loving, and forgiving.

What if that is really all God wants?

  • What if God just wants us to notice those people, places and things which the divine has influenced and/or created?
  • What if God wants us to think about the positive effects the divine has had on other people and things?
  • What if God just wants us to notice the positive interactions that people have with each other?
  • What if God wants us to give gifts to him by giving gifts to each other?
  • What if God wants us to give affection by giving affection to each other as often as possible?
  • What if God wants us to notice the little things that the divine accomplishes each and every day?
  • What if loving God really is as simple as being kind, supportive, loving, and forgiving as frequently as humanly possible, even when you are presented with ample excuses not to?

All of these things can be attempted continually, not just on Sundays or when begged by charitable organizations.

That makes me think of the client a week ago. She is one of the beautiful women I had noticed, and I happen to know we share an awful lot of the same challenges. I was simply thinking that she was such a beautiful person that I wished that she knew that, that she could see her beauty instead of all of the challenges. I know I wish that for myself quite frequently.

As I was thinking all of this, that voice I hear more and more often, quietly nagged me to be honest and tell her. I replied I can’t, I’m not supposed to. I was again told to say it, that she needed to hear it. So, I gave in, and in the gentlest way I said the following: “Please don’t take this the wrong way; I’m not sure if you’re having a tough spot, but I am being told you need to hear this. You are a beautiful woman and even though I know you share many challenges like I face, you are amazing and a wonderful person. You really are a beautiful person.” She had replied that she was having a rough spot and did really need to hear that. She thanked me and we both shed a couple of tears. After the massage she gave me a hug.

Something that technically inches toward encroaching on board ethics was exactly what the divine needed me to voice in that moment. I could have held to my excuse and avoided possible ramifications all-together. As it is, I took the gentlest route around it that I could, and she will never know that I briefly contemplated the physical attraction to her. I was able to look past the excuse in that moment and find the happy medium to help pass a message from the divine that she really needed to hear. Those are the moments that I cherish and look forward to. Those are the moments that I am extra grateful for, and honestly hope that God knows I am doing my best to oblige as frequently as possible.

I love knowing that I am helping God to heal and help people, I love feeling God’s presence, and I love being able to pass that feeling on to others. I love knowing that God loves me, even when I have had a life full of less than stellar moments. I am addicted to love, especially God’s love. One day perhaps that will manifest in the family I have so very much desired. Perhaps that one day will be after I die. Regardless, I will continue to do my best to give my love to the divine presence that saved my life and said I could call it Shiva.

Siva Hir Su

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Feeling confident.

“The monsters in my head are scared of love”

– Diplo; ‘Revolution’

Today was a very interesting day full of twists and turns both in real time logistics and metaphorically speaking. My lunch being a quick haircut at the closest great Great Clips.

I went in already being in a really good mood from things at work yesterday. Essentially having a greater understanding of the respect I’ve earned at work, as well as intense gratitude for the progress I’ve made over the last few years in my personal life. I’d come to a realization that things I’d asked for help from Nathan and the Divine had come to pass solidly, and now it’s my job to uphold my end of the bargain. That was a real confidence booster.

I was slightly concerned that I might not have time to fit a haircut into my short gap, but was able to slide right in.

I sat down to discover that I had gotten the new girl and she kept saying are you sure you want to go that short. I had to explain several times over I was no stranger to short hair having clipped it for the same reason after Ian’s birth. I said a quick mental request that she find her alignment to give me a decent haircut to accomplish the goal of making my new growth less noticeable.

She buzzed and clipped and snipped and then had her superior check her work. When all was said and done I walked out with what I’d set out to get- a decent haircut to make new growth blend in better.

Returning to work I got lots of compliments right away.

More feeling good.

After showing Nathan, he agreed it looked great, but kept saying it’s so short. I reminded him of after Ian and went to pull up an old picture to compare and found myself having a moment.

2 months shy of 4 years later, having been to 2 different salons on opposite sides of the metro. I had a nearly identical haircut.

After Ian when my hair started to return. February 1st, 2015:

Today:

Cue twilight zone theme song.

I’m definitely feeling more confident, and very good about myself in general, but I’m also seeing that my higher self is pulling strings for me when I let it. For that I’m eternally grateful. I’m very aware of my connection these days, and loving every moment of it.

May you all find your feel good synchronicities that let you know the Divine is on your side.

Om namah Shivaya… Siva hir su.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Beautiful things…

Like the song by Annie Lennox “A Thousand Beautiful Things”:

” Every day I write the list

Of reasons why I still believe they do exist

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

And even though it’s hard to see

The glass is full and not half empty

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

So light me up like the sun…”

I write my list today to remind myself of things I love. Things I miss when they’re gone. Things I want to see more of. Things I relish and enjoy every last bit of. Things that brighten my day and my life. AND I apologize to everyone for having gone negative for a while again. Suffice it to say no-one enjoys being negative and in the hole, and let my negative posts be validation of my efforts to heal myself, as when you’re down you always want to get up again. This is my effort to do so. This is my effort to start to turn things around regardless of my physical experience. I’m doing as Abraham says “Shift away from the what-is-ness and toward the what can be.” Shifting yet again and taking to heart “you’re always in the right place at the right time, but sometimes you’re looking at it in the wrong way”.

First on my list of loves is every single thing in that song.

Then:

I love hugs and cuddles from those I love, and giving them as well.

I love my children and my kitties, especially because they unconditionally love me.

I love playing with my kids.

I love art: drawing, coloring, painting, all kinds of making art, and most kinds for looking at.

I love music: listening or playing, and most genres, especially all 64GB I have.

I love massages, mostly receiving because it’s so darn helpful and feels good, but giving helps people so I like that too.

I love getting things that help me feel better: exercise, sun, healthy foods, sleep, and fun activities.

I love comfy quiet spaces.

I love starting my day with a hot shower, they are so refreshing and relaxing and help me start my day in the best frame of mind.

I love waking up refreshed and on time to start my day easily and smoothly.

I love things to do, being balanced with time to just be.

I like nice cars in tip top shape, well oiled machines so to speak, including good tires & brakes, and would love a new electric vehicle.

I love it when people communicate effectively, and when they talk to each other consistently.

I love when people talk to me about their interests and desires, and things they like and enjoy.

(conditional ones… oopsie)

I love feeling really supported and cared for. (that’s more unconditional, maybe Abraham can help me find some more words here…)

I love feeling love for others and receiving love.

I love feeling appreciated.

I love feeling happy and having fun.

I love feeling content.

I love feeling comfortable in my body (though it could be way more often).

I love peace and peacefulness.

I love being inspired and feeling accomplishment when my inspired actions pan out positively (I’d love to do that much more often also).

I love the feeling of wholeness and completeness.

I love feeling abundance and prosperity.

I love knowing that the universe supports me and is working on a solution to pay for all of my needs (including the birth costs).

I love knowing that the universe can flow money to me many, many more ways than I can even begin to think of, and love knowing all I need is alignment to allow it.

I love feeling relaxed and centered.

I love the feeling of balance in all respects.

I love the feeling of freedom.

I enjoy feeling welcomed.

I enjoy the feeling of belonging.

I love that my children are loving and doing their best to find their way in this world. I look forward to mastering my guidance system to show them how to do the same. Because I also know actions do teach better than words.

I love the feeling of friendship.

I love the feelings of having good conversations and really connecting with someone.

I love the feeling of stability and homecoming that a close knit family home brings.

I love feeling calm and centered and knowing that things are progressing smoothly and easily in perfect timing (that could totally happen a lot more).

I love knowing that others around me function well in chaos, because it makes up for what I’m unable to handle.

I love knowing that I can distract myself from that same chaos by retreating into my mind or simply watching funny videos, or even walk through it and recenter alone.

I love knowing that others around me are also doing their best. That they have the best intentions when they offer things to me or make suggestions, and that they really are doing their best to support me.

I love knowing that “IT” never gets done, so if someone promises me something and forgets or is unable to fulfill their promise, another way will show itself.

I love knowing that God ‘has my back’ and will make up for those dropped moments/promises. I just have to allow it.

I love the feeling of well-being, of naturalness and of normalcy. I love knowing that those feelings are a good symptoms of my body and brain functioning in tip top shape, perfect alignment. I look forward to feeling like that everyday.

I love feeling prepared for whatever is in progress.

I love being excited for good things coming.

I love being on time, even early, for everything, and I love the feeling of knowing I always have plenty of time (no rush).

I enjoy feeling that I’m in the right place at the right time.

I love feeling safe and knowing that my family is safe. I love knowing that my family strives to be in alignment so they can do lots of fun things safely.

I love being able to say yes, go for it, it’s OK.

I love feeling passion, and being passionate, about people, places, and activities.

I love knowing that I’m a vibrational being.

I love the feeling of alignment with that inner being.

I love knowing that my inner me/vibrational-being loves everything. (I’m always in the right place, but sometimes looking at it from the wrong physical viewpoint.)

I love knowing the universe will give me wonderful things when I find alignment with that inner me.

I especially love that I’m starting to get better at catching myself. I’m starting to recognize those misalignments faster and thus start correcting faster. I realize that I am still letting some of those moments snowball too much and build much negative momentum, but acknowledging that, every single time it happens, helps me inch towards catching it sooner with less momentum to correct for. I look forward to when I catch all of my negative misalignments in their infancy before they have any significant momentum at all. I love knowing I will eventually get there, and it just takes practice (maybe a lot, but that’s OK too).

And with that I leave you all with blessings of fast alignment recovery in any contrast situation.

New love grows, yet old love remains…

I’m not a poet, but sometimes standard prose doesn’t fit my feelings. This is one such occasion….

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you, go on

-Celine Dion

Poseidon’s trident pierced my heart, and somehow I-

humanly, perfectly, imperfectly-

emerged as Aphrodite’s visage.

Life moves on, and new phases emerge.

I know not why,

not how,

only that it is as it should be,

everything will indeed be alright.

Family grows,

and new love flows,

Wonderful, radiant, feminine.

Time flies,

and I merely try

to simply keep up.

Not only for new love found,

but the new life growing within.

Family’s needs are great,

and I’m just one.

One to do my best,

Strive and persevere,

help and support,

with all my love,

For all of those that I love.

Even those

that this

time and space

hold out of reach.

Time moves on.

Memories, dreams,

hopes, goals, and desires,

never forgotten.

The brain remembers all-

Where matters

of heart

be concerned,

Fills time

where

life

breathes.

The inner fires

still burn bright

Even when daylight dwindles

And time escapes.

Solace found

In inner voice

In knowing

In that special connection.

If I never find solution

In this

Time and space

I will hold tight

My connection from afar.

I cherish it-

Special,

Unique,

Warm,

Invisible embrace.

I wish that for everyone.

I do feel,

Do see,

Every night,

Desires and longing

Mine and not mine.

And support them.

All is as it should be.

Answers will come.

If we allow.

Regardless, there is love,

Always love.

‘Tis human to err

And our humanity is our greatest asset

Love your flaws,

They are uniquely you.

I am learning

Slowly

Just that.

Even my faults

Make me who I am

Ultimately creating a better self.

So I love me,

and you,

and all of my family.

Chosen and given.

Even those who choose

Silence

Or difference

Or separation.

Love is the only thing I have to give.

And give I will.

As much as possible,

And every moment

that my brain remembers

That my brain fills.

All day,

Everyday,

Until death do I part.

Love with all my heart.