Tag Archives: feel the love

TO love and be loved.

My day started with the quote from Sadhguru with Isha:

It reminded me of the contrast between my father and my spouse. My father was the former part of the quote, and my spouse the latter.

However, it was also a focus tool on what it means to love or be loved, especially after the contrast of my last post.

If you love something or someone you wish to experience it in the fullest sense, whatever that may be.

To love, you desire to appreciate the object of attention with as many senses as possible, and especially to the fullest ability of those senses, even if it may not always be completely pleasant. Most people think of our 5 earthly senses, but for me I always include the 6th sense as well.

When I really love something my 5 senses are utilized primarily, but there is always an element of my 6th Sense being included in the appreciation.

For example with art: I feel the paper, the canvas, even the texture of whatever medium I choose. I can tell you without even thinking too hard what the smell of charcoal or paint is like. I use my sight to craft my image or sculpture meticulously. I even enjoy the sound of the brush on canvas or pencils or charcoal on paper. The only physical sense that is limited with art is taste, and that is because many mediums can be toxic, yet I have still inadvertently tasted charcoal and clay, neither were offensive even when accidental. However, my most favorite is the 6th sense. In art, I feel a sense of calmness and peace that is deeper and more soothing than most any other activity for me. There have been several times that I was so soothed by the sense of the divine that I have lost hours or even entire days riding that peacefulness as I created something beautiful.

Many of my other loves (mentioned in my previous post) can be broken down similarly, but the 6th sense is always there and always unique to the thing I am focused on. It always feels wonderful, but can carry excitement, joy, peace, soothing, it can be energizing, and even full of passion.

When you really truly love a person it’s no different of a layered experience, but the layers are unique to that person. The 6 senses with my 6 year old are not experienced just the same way that the 6 senses are experienced with my husband.

Examples for my 6 year old would be: I love hearing his giggles, I love seeing him smile, I love rubbing his back, and the smell of his hair after a bath or playing in the sandbox brings me joy, and I will shower him with kisses as long as he lets me. But even when he’s stinky, dirty, or upset, I still love my little boy. Additionally my 6th sense still feels love shared between us, that bond formed in utero that helped me communicate before I could even see him. That sense that helped him learn motor skills because of my work while pregnant. Yet moreso, I feel when he really needs mommy because of upsets, confusion, or fright. I still communicate with him without need for words. I cherish every moment of our connection.

My husband has similar but not exactly the same set. Love can be so great that even the negatives are diminished. I love kissing my S.O. fully and completely, so that even my taste buds can enjoy the experience, but sometimes they’d rather I not do that first thing in the morning. My sense of touch does not have to be limited to back rubs, and I have even had the joy of picking zits, providing healing for wounds, and caressing every inch of his body. My sense of smell has experienced the full spectrum of smells his body provides, and even the unpleasant ones are somehow less offensive than someone I don’t find love in. I have seen him at his best most beautiful, and his worst post yardwork or surgery; regardless I still love him. The best is my intense connection with him. It has waned over our 16 years together, but I still know when he’s really happy or really struggling. I still feel his love for me when he’s focused on me. I still have a connection that enables knowing what he is going to say or being able to convey my needs without words. It’s that sense beyond the senses that keeps my love for him strong. We get each other’s headaches, body aches, and even each other’s inebriation. It’s those moments I know we share a strong bond of love supported by divine connection.

The hardest for me has been the others. The ones I felt and connected with in my 6th sense, but with which I never got to experience the entirety or fullness of the rest of the senses. My body sometimes aches with desire for the rest of my senses to be filled with loving experiences with them. Yet to this day they are my enigma. I will cherish the conversations accomplished and the moments of 6th sense connection, and maybe one day either they will return or God will replace them. Whether they return or not, I know my love for them is the realness of the latter part Sadhguru’s quote. I felt them, and even being unable to fulfill the wholeness of my desire for filling all the senses, I was able to get a sense of who they were as beings. There are definitely gaps and truths waiting to be fulfilled, but even if that never comes to pass my 6th sense knew. Maybe my lesson here is that I knew so deeply that I can still love and never receive them fully. That is the height of Sadhguru’s message. To love without being able to have as my own.

It’s an odd place to be. I never expected ownership to begin with. I never expected to stake claim, as that is the premise of polyamory.

Yet I had really desired, really hoped, for the same fullness of all the senses that I experience with Nathan. Love was found in multiplicity, for that I’m certain, and I can never undo that.

Now I wish to experience the fullest of the multiple love scenario, experience the all of more than one significant other. Experience the sights and sounds, words and feel of more than one. To experience the caresses and tastes, and yes even smells of more than one; on top of that 6th sense knowing and feeling of others. It’s a layered experience, but the layers are unique to each person, and I really do wish for that with more than just my Nathan and kids.

May you see you love in it’s fullest and truest sense. May you know you love someone for whom they are and not because they are yours to own. May you understand how to love fully and completely. May you know for certain that it is possible with everyone you truly care for. May you understand that you can fully love someone and not necessarily need to experience them in a specific way. May you find that you are able to experience those you do love in the ways that feel best and right to you. May you know that your love is reciprocated. May you know that God loves and supports you in whatever you choose.

*Om Shanti

*My God given prayer “Siva Hir Su” has had some clarity through using it with my Reiki practice. Since I now understand it’s use more fully from that intuitive input, I’m using it a little more descriminantly these days. I’ll elaborate at some point soon. For now I am defaulting to more generally accepted and positive options.

Redefining

My divine masculine is on my mind. I know that the divine has the ability to manifest in infinite ways and multiple people, especially for my desires with both family and career.

I know that my divine masculine loves me and wants to honor me in all the ways I desire. I know that I have already done more than enough to prove myself to myself, and that I am enough.

So I’m taking this knowing to focus on my¬† preferences and alignment to allow my DM to manifest in my life. Most of these pertain more to family relations, but some aspects could also apply to career/work relations.

My DM loves me and cares about me, and they are willing to state that to me. Not just willing, they care so much about me that they are drawn to tell me directly. Their caring is more important to them, than any perceived risk in telling the truth. So my DM will tell me in very certain and clear terms. If someone doesn’t care enough to do that, then they are not my DM manifesting.

My DM cares more about me than any external input. My DM trusts that God wouldn’t stir such strong desire and caring if it didn’t matter. They may be working on fine tuning their connection just like me, but they feel their connection enough to trust our interactions and the posotive emotions behind them. It is the security in that knowing that helps them to find their voice when telling me about their desires and concerns. If someone isn’t trusting their connection as such, then they couldn’t possibly even be allowing enough of God to be manifestation of my DM.

My DM has mastered their fears enough that any needs for protection or secrecy are no longer a factor. This means they don’t feel the need for weapons for protection, that they don’t need to hide a relationship because they are secure in their own being. They know they can handle scrutiny and petty attacks, but they are also aware that this world brings what you focus on. So if they focus on a world that is more open and accepting and reaching for better equality, then that is the world they will see. It means that if they focus on loving support and kindness of strangers, that is what they will experience. There is no need to be afraid of attacks via words or with weapons if one is focused on a safe, open, accepting world.

My DM sees all of me, including my needs and desires, my hopes and dreams, and they accept of all me. Not just accept, they share most of the same dreams and desires. They have so much in common that they accept the rest unequivocally. The accept me as a whole, and love me for being me. Anyone that doesn’t is not my divine masculine manifesting wholley.

My DM knows that I am my own person and that I will not be owned. My DM respects my rights and my own sovereignty and I respect the same in them. They trust that our connection is more important than any laws or paperwork that were originally intended to protect such connections, but have since become misconstrued and misused. My DM is willing to explore alternative options to meet my/our special needs, and if someone isn’t willing to explore alternatives then they are not my DM.

My DM knows that even though I have the body of a woman, that I am more complicated than that. My DM accepts me as being both masculine and feminine, and accepts that I love Nathan very much. My DM understands that in regards to Nathan, I am the masculine role and I love Nathan intensely and fully intend to keep my relationship with him strong, but also need to honor my feminine half and allow myself to be in the feminine role more frequently. Because of this my DM understands, accepts, and shares my desires for a poly family; so if someone doesn’t understand, accept, or share that then they are likely not my DM manifesting.

My Divine Masculine feels me and senses me, and knows me on a deeper level that might be hard for another person to understand. They know they don’t need to try to explain it to others, but they also know it is safe to talk to me about it- that sharing the experience of our connection only strengthens our connection further. We are equals and equally trust each other and openly share willingly. If someone is unable to do that, then they must not be my DM manifesting.

My DM wants to figure out how to move forward and create a future with me. They care enough to make that happen, even or especially if there are perceived risks to do so. I look forward to having those conversations and figuring things out with them. I have gotten much more sure of my connection and what I feel. I know I am on the right track.


An Abraham audio I listened to on the way to work this morning provided this clarity and I am glad I finally had the moment to put words to it. In the audio Abraham listed off several statements followed by “because I want to”. There were a few statements that some people would cringe over. But Abraham pointed out that the cringe-worthy statements would feel better than lower vibrating statements, but were not fully connected either. The point being made was that moving upward is always good, but ultimately the real goal is to reach the extremely good feeling of being fully connected to ones own divine force. That if you are all the way connected then it only feels really good. The moment you are aware you don’t feel really good, you are no longer fully connected, and you need to do whatever necessary to climb back up to full connection.

My most difficult aspect of thinking about my divine masculine God force is that I know God is a plurality, but I am hoping for just a couple/few to manifest in ‘reality’ for the long-haul. When I acknowledge the way the divine plurality feels about me, I always find the good feeling easily and know everything is just as I have described here. Then I think about people in my life that had moments of connection to my divine masculine, some fleeting, some more sustained, it gets me a bit confused. The fleeting moments I kind of understand as they were situational, and I evoked it from them as I managed to allow better for a moment. I still don’t understand why or how my father sustained it when I was tiny and never ever sustained it again. I know I was somehow partly to blame for that, but at this point feel like it is futility to even try to fix it, since he can’t see me for who I am and what I care about, and is so unwilling to change.

And those 3 others that sustained it longer, but have yet to come around. That’s where I am most confused. I thought for certain I’d found partners, but at this point the whole package (described above) has not manifested. I gave up on them figuring out that either they couldn’t fully manifest what I desire, or my thoughts about them was hanging things up. Either way, the stall out has left me deciding that giving up seems to be the best answer for now. Hence why I’m writing to focus on the generic side of things. Focusing on the things I know are aligned, and not on the people that ghosted and pushed me away, seems to be the easier route for me for right now. Only God knows if my new focus will bring them back or align me with more appropriate manifestations. I am truly and honestly open to either, as long as it is forward motion and in alignment with my higher self.

I love Nathan and my children, and they will be in my life for the long-haul. I also still, desire more in addition to my current already manifested reality, and that ensures I will keep living to keep reaching for more/better.

May you see the alignment of your desires. May you understand your thoughts in regards to manifestations. May you sense God’s love and acceptance of you. May you know you are good enough and deserve everything you desire. May you know your desires stir life force that helps you keep moving forward. May you always have worthy goals to reach for. May you live long and prosper and feel God’s love and support.

Siva Hir Su

Mindful Monday

I’m sitting by the fire in our comfy recliner having a mindful moment of appreciation. Despite all the work hours I am finding enjoyable moments with my family and in my home which I have worked so hard to get. I wanted to share some of those moments with you, including kids lounging with me to watch cartoons in our bedroom (Sunday and before bedtime rituals in the evening) and Katherine posing for the camera after she climbed onto the kitchen counter and claimed Nathan’s hat. There’s some adorable, but somewhat obnoxious, pets mixed in there too, including one very large spazy dog.

May you have good moments of appreciation. May you find enjoyment in your days. May you have quality time with your family, even if TV is what instigated it. May you enjoy your life mostly. May you love the critters and kids around you. May you be mindful of the moments that make everything worth while.

Siva Hir Su