Tag Archives: feeling good

Finding me AGAIN.

Today I walked for my errands and even further. I needed the fresh air, the movement, and the break fromy usual 3D experience.

About 3,000 steps in I found myself savouring the breeze which was just right in strength. I savored the temperature which also was nearly perfect for me. I savored the fact that the rain had subsided. I was really enjoying those elements and said to myself “The only way this could get better is more sun and like 50% more blue sky. I really love blue skies and sunshine. I’m definitely a sun worshipper because sunshine helps me feel ME.”

By about 5,000 steps in I found myself with this view:

I couldn’t help but try to fit what I saw into the image. In front of me was a nearly perfect cloud to blue-sky Yin-Yang. It’s a symbol I’m very familiar with having gravitated to Eastern philosophy at an early age and then learning the basics of Traditional Chinese Medicine as part of my massage education.

It is a geometric pattern that symbolizes universal balance, and how darkness converts to light at it’s darkest point, and vice versa. Yet at the same time, one is never present without the other, the darkest moments have a spot of light and the lightest moments can show a dark side too. It was awe inspiring.

I was immensely aware of what my simple request had manifested in my 3D experience, and that it had done so in record timing for me.

I proceeded to relish every moment of sunshine and utilize the amazingly good cloud day. I milked it for all I could. I stopped several times to bask in sunshine for long moments.

I was listening to MC Yogi through one earbud so that I could also hear birds chirping and have an awareness of the space around me. One song came on in the midst of a pause in sunshine: “Dancing in the Sun” (listen here).

I began walking again because of the lyrics stirring a desire to move. As I walked under a tree, the song stopped. I came out from under the tree and took several steps before realizing the song had stopped. I looked up to see the sun had also stopped, a cloud was blocking it. I laughed and put the song back on and decided to dance the sun back out. I’m pretty sure the jogger and the other lady walking in the park thought I was crazy, but after about half of the song gracing my ‘dance’ the sun decided to come back out and join me again. It was divine happiness.

I was feeling so good that I started taking pictures and looking at cloud shapes. Several times I saw a heart in the clouds and tried to catch it. … Was I successful?:

This morning’s walk was definitely a big leap towards righting my path. It felt so good, helped both my mind and my mood, and bonus I have 7603 steps by 11am.

May you have excellent creation moments. May you easily find yourself always, but especially when you need it most. May you feel balance and have an acceptance of the concepts represented by Yin-Yang. May you know everything is truly okay and the moment is now. May your now moment be filled with strong awareness, you are here and now to have the experience, enjoy as much of it as possible. Above all may you know you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Frigid Triggers

So I mentioned that I had been climbing out of trigger holes this week. I’m going to talk about that a little more.

One moment just after my birthday, I had a bit of jealousy sneak up on me. I quickly acknowledged that was going on and talked myself out of it. I acknowledged that jealousy is based on the belief that someone has something that you want and don’t have, but also some level of feeling neglected. I pointed out to myself that neither case was actually true. If the shoe was on the other foot, as in viewing myself from an outside perspective, I had that which was causing the jealousy, and I am far from being neglected. It simply wasn’t actually true, so that was an easy trigger to solve.

My other major trigger this week, and one that was reoccurring every single day, was simply the bitter cold and how it was affecting my life. One element of that was the whole ‘it’s the week of my birthday and the weather straight up sucked’. The other element was that it began directly affecting my daily work experience.

See, the clinic has two halves on two different heating systems. My office is in the half that has what is commonly referred to as a mini-split. Simply put, it has a unit outside, and then wall mounted units to accomodate both heating and air conditioning without the need for ductwork or other hazards of central heat/AC. They are only slightly less costly than a centralized system, but they are supposed to be more energy efficient. The biggest problem that I have noticed with the older unit governing my office, is that it no longer handles temperature extremems. It has gone down 3 times in the last two years, all during extreme temperatures- once due to heat in excess of 100°F, and twice due to temps below 15°F. This week was the second round of below 15°. The units work decent when they are only attempting to bridge a gap of 30 or 40 degrees, but once the range exceeds that, problems arise. This time it was the exterior lines froze preventing any function.

That treanslated into trying to function solely on space heaters. Generally not a huge concern, except that the 3 office rooms were wired on one 20 AMP circut. Which means that we could only power 2 space heaters on full, or if I needed table heat on, I had to turn space heaters to low. It was frustrating to say the least. So, it meant coming into a frigid space and doing my best to warm it by the time people needed to be disrobing for their massage. We blew the breaker well over a dozen times this week, just trying to get 2 of the 3 rooms to a decent temperature. Finally, the acupuncturists decided to temporarily relocate, so I was the only one attempting to get a room to normal temperatures. I still managed to blow the breaker 3 more times trying to warm the room up as quickly as possible.

It was frustrating, and at times infuriating. I kept climbing up from negativitiy, and something would set me off again. At one point the one acupuncturist asked me how I was doing, and I lost it on her, spending several minutes ranting about the whole situation.

I’m mostly (referencing generalities) still in my detached space, and because of that I keep repeating “Not my monkeys, not my circus”, but it is directly affecting me and that is why it keeps triggering a negative loop. I can’t stand weather this cold, and especially when I get bone chillingly cold myself.

In my perfect world I would be that person that takes an extended vacation when the weather turns crappy like this. I would love to have a birthday in Cancun or Hawaii, but alas it is not currently possible.

It also doesn’t help that no one seemes to care about the problem in a long-term solution sort of way. The chiropractors knew I was upset and began turning on space heaters before I arrived, but there was no motion towards a real fix. I pointed out to the acupuncturist that this was the third time I was having to deal with this situation and I have yet to make my 2 year anniversary. I explained that even though heaters don’t go down all the time, that it is a possibility with any system, and whoever wired 3 offices on one 20 AMP breaker was dense. There should always be enough power for worst case scenario. Yet, there is barely enough amperage for normal function in 3 rooms.

For instance, I am a massage therapist, and I have 4 seperate devices that draw a good amount of power. My room alone could blow the breaker if I turned everything on. I know becasue I did when one of my space heaters was taken by the acupuncturist. At that point the whole building was struggling to maintain, and the office manager and chiropractor had taken space heaters for themselves, and so one of my 2 tiny ones went to the acupuncturist. My solution was to turn on my hot stone roaster, my hot towel cabbie, and the table heater. The other space heater was already running, and the lights were on. 30 seconds later the breaker tripped. So just my basic devices which I have utilized for years, tripped the breaker becasue they were all on at the same time.

There is no way that those three offices can handle all of the devices that could potentially run at the same time. I can not run my menagerie, and then have the acupuncturist try to use diathermy, or even a laptop being used on top of my regular stuff would be too much. It simply is no good for a lot of reasons.

Ultimately, not only does the mini-split need some serious TLC to try and get it more functional, but if I had a say, I would call an electrician and figure out the cheapest solution to get those three rooms better power in a permanent way.

There also should be stored space heaters and fans for situations like this. As it is, I brought in 2 of my personal space heaters and the one accupincturist had one of her personal units. That means if we hadn’t been on the ball, the whole office would have failed due to a lack of heat providing devices. It would not be any significant financial strain to buy a fan and space heater for each room, and all of the rooms could come up with the shred of space to store them when not in use.

Alas, it is not my circus. I have no financial investment in the building or business. I am simply a contractor trying to keep clients happy, so no one gives a flying eff about my opinions. So, on top of hating the cold, being upset over a frigid birthday, and then spending an entire work week battling the cold inside of my office, the lack of my opinion mattering was just the icing on the cake.

It took every ounce of my mental fortitude to keep pulling up and finding my happy this week, and today I was so exhausted from it that I really just wanted to stay in bed and not even go to work.

Yet I did.

I showed up 40 min early, and the chiropractor had already turned on the space heaters, so it wasn’t as frigid as previous days. The sun was shining, so I got a bit more sunlight than the previous several days. I even managed to get in a decent workout between clinic and my 2nd job. I’m holding steady, and hoping that they seriously figure out a long-term solution before the peak of summer heat kills the equipment again.

Regardless, it’s not my circus and I will always do my best to stay focused on my happy place. I will keep finding better feeling thoughts, and do my best to keep pulling up, even when triggers are plentiful and repetitive. Sometimes it just takes way more effort, and I’m somewhat wondering if I will ever see a good reason to keep reaching up so diligently. Hopefully that’s just the remnants of discouragement talking.

May you have many birthdays with beautiful perfect weather. May you find that finding your happy place is easy. May it be life affirming and easy to regain your balance and feel good. May you have plenty of rest and plenty of warmth. May you see the results of your energetic and thought work. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do, no matter what.

Om Shanti

Weightloss Progress

Ok, so I’ve been wanting to share full body images of my progress for a while now. The perk of having a photographer for a husband is that not only has he taken pictures of me on many occasions, he was able to set-up a studio to shoot reproductions of existing images.

So, I can finally share the differences.

I had him reproduce family picture moments, as well as past photo shoots. For this post I am sticking to fully clothed images. He has done nudes of me many times in the past, and we did recreate some of them for this purpose, but I need to make them internet friendly by doing the black boxes across naughty bits. It’ll take time. For this post, using the fully clothed images, I just had to resize to match, and then label- a much quicker process (took me about an hour for all of the images you’ll see here).

I do wish I was further along, but that is probably me being hard on myself again. I do acknowledge that: I have managed this much progress during a time period where I gave birth to two children, and also fought tooth-and-nail against thyroid concerns that had been undiagnosed for 15+ years. I also acknowledge that all of my progress was me and Nathan; no one made me, no one encouraged me, and no one helped me figure out my own personal puzzle. No one else can take the credit, only me, with Nathan’s loving support. So in those regards, I’m a effing super hero. I’ll claim my She-Ra crown everyday that I keep trying.

I hope you find my progress as a helpful encouragement to anyone else attempting to do something similar.

May you have good moments of validation of your own personal progress. May you see your efforts are paying off. May you see things start to get easier. May you know that you are doing your best and that is really what matters. AND ABOVE ALL- may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti and Many Blessings