Tag Archives: feeling relief

And so it begins…

HAL has begun sending me things to reinforce my last post. One of which is the following:

How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

I guess I will never understand fully because letting go and focusing on love seem to be the bigger message. I still wish I had some understanding.

Anyways, in moving on, I had a really good time today with 2 different co-workers during downtime.

I took a walk with the office manager and we had a really great conversation, with some much needed emotional release for both of us. Plus it helped me reach my step goals today. I was very appreciative of that time all around.

I also got to play a couple of games of “Magic the Gathering” with the one chiropractor. It’s a game I used to play with the brother that’s closest to me in age. It has been …. let’s see…. since early 2003 that I’ve played. That’s 16, almost 17, years. Wow!

I still have my cards from back then, but so much has changed that the new decks are much better, so he has been encouraging me to use his. I feel like I’m starting from scratch and completely relearning everything. It’s so fun though. I totally lost big time- on both games, but still enjoyed every bit of it.

I am so out of practice that the strategy feels over my head yet, but I get the concept. The layering of steps and which cards work better in what order can be very complex. I literally had a card in my hand that I’d been holding for several turns, but forgot to leave myself enough mana(land) to use it and it cost me the one game.

I enjoy learning so much though, and it is definitely a fun kind of learning, so it literally made me giddy at one point. I felt like I got silly hyper with the fun. That was a very much needed distraction from my previous focus.

As for learning: I’m still working on hindi and telegu in my spare time, but since I have no idea why God nudged me to do so (especially since I’m letting go of that person) , it’s at a very relaxed pace. I’m getting to where in hindi I can pick out letters and sound out words even though I know very few translations. Telegu I know more translations, but have fewer of the characters memorized. It’s merely a symptom of the different apps and how they teach languages. I like Duolingo and Drops, which both offer hindi, but neither offer telegu. The telegu apps are much less sophisticated, but still get the job done.

I’ve also begun the slow tedious process of becoming an approved continuing education provider for massage therapy. Essentially, the easy part is proving my qualifications to teach a handful of courses by documenting I have so many years working using said techniques, I also have a bachelor’s degree, which though they would prefer it to be related (a BS), it doesn’t hurt. Once I do that easy step, I literally have to follow rules and write my own curriculum which can be no more than 30% cited source material. Finally, once I’ve written everything, I can apply by submitting my CV and courses for approval; of course paying the appropriate exorbitant fees. They really try to dissuade people from becoming providers: can’t have too many teachers and too few students you know!

I’m not intimidated by the process in the least. Their basic calculation is 1200 words equals a credit unit. That’s a blog post for me, so I’m guessing I’ll have more trouble pairing down or figuring out how to subdivide my topics for multiple related courses. However, after having written the operations manual for my previous position, I’m certain I’m up to the task. It’s more about convincing myself to do the free work knowing that eventually I’ll recoup the benefit in paid courses with students in multiplicity.

I’m also contemplating the investment of a site where I can host web-based courses. Essentially, the text/testing coursework can be provided via web interface without practical hands on CE hours. Ultimately that helps spread the information side, but the CMT loses access to the extra CE’s for the hands on practicals. It’s a lower cost solution for both parties, but longterm it would benefit me as the provider more. It’s a huge up front investment, to also have to market like crazy, but longterm reaping significantly higher benefits. Ultimately, it will happen, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the investment side just yet. I’ll contemplate web platforms and do the math several times during my writing phase of this momentous step, and make my final decision during the application process.

Long story short, I’m having fun and learning and inching toward another significant step of improvement. All by my not-so-little own self. I feel like screaming “HA, Take That World!”… but alas I know no one would really truly care anyway. So, I’ll keep my ‘I win’ moment to myself, and relish that I know I’m the only one that gets credit for digging myself out of a decade of hardship…. me and God that is.

May you all have happy dances of overcoming obstacles. May you find kindness around you and moments of connection with others. May you find joy in continually learning and ways to share what you’ve already mastered. May you see God’s grace and support guiding you through all of life’s moments toward brighter futures.

Siva Hir Su

A moment of inspired irreverence.

So this morning I was simply contemplating my sailor like language at times, but acknowledging that not all swears carry a low vibration. Ultimately that was my concern: am I affecting my vibration, bringing it down, by swearing so much.

Then suddenly I remembered watching a comedian montage about the versatility of swear words. The exact bit that popped into my head was his way of delivering “fuck that shit” vs “fuck yeah”. So, I wanted to share and went looking for the stint I was inspired with. I searched YouTube to no avail. I never found exactly that one.

However, I did find 3 others equally funny.

Those I’ll share here. I hope you enjoy this comedic irreverence this morning, especially since it raises your vibration to the fun/funny/laughing level, and was inspired thought at it’s inception.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Victory and insights.

So the victory is my midwife is paid in full!!!! Yay! Happy dance and squeals of delight.

I even have a little bit saved for the trip to Acadia National Park in Maine the end of July. At this rate I think I’ll have enough to make the trip. It might be tight, but I can’t say no to free lodging, a beautiful experience, and visiting family I’ve not seen in nearly a decade.

That is wonderful relief.

On an entirely different topic, the insights came yesterday at a mandatory meeting our building had with the President and Vice President of our company. I have to say meeting them was far more comfortable than daily working tends to be. Everyone around me was running around stressing and I just wasn’t. I don’t know why in particular but it felt very comfortable and I even had a good albeit short conversation with the President.

He seems like a genuinely good guy, and the biggest take away from the meeting was that the owners are also good people.

It led to a long conversation with our pastor afterwards. We discussed how a company gets to where they have such genuinely good goals and set out to do good deeds, but end up having staffing and budget issues as I’ve seen. How the low people on the totem essentially still boil down to numbers. And how those ideals fail to carry through to all of the individuals in the organization.

It helped me gain some more clarity on my goals of Atira. The pastor used the phrasing that perhaps a company gets too large to fully understand all of the individual workings and really know it’s people. That the connections that express a person’s value are lost. That sentiment reinforced prior ideas I’d had that Atira should be a singular community. It could spawn franchisee opportunities or literally just help people learn how to start their own communities, but I really don’t want a company of mine to grow so large that the company itself begins to lose sight of it’s intent.

I want Atira to stay manageable so that I know for sure it is helping people both within and outside of it’s structure. I want to know that if all the individuals understand that, the better it functions and the more they can make happen in their lives and in the lives of others.

For instance: I know I want to give homeless people second chances by putting them to work- training and all, but I also acknowledge that minimum wage being just over $7 is highly unrealistic with the inflation we’ve had the last 20 years. I want Atira to be able to sustain realistic living wages for all of it’s staff members, and those with experience and drive do deserve to earn more.

Yet, I acknowledge that in order for there to be profits to divert for other charitable uses, there does have to be positive flow of goods and services being exchanged for properly set fees.

It is definitely a tricky balancing act, and one that though I now can see my employer aimed for, either did not reach or was unable to maintain. I want Atira to reach and maintain it.

Beyond that, yesterday’s conversations and interactions solidified that I have done very well for myself with much less effort than some. I pointed out to the President that I had only ever paid for two boxes of business cards and never did pamphlets or other costly marketing.

I left Facebook nonsense out of that conversation knowing that I had already gotten their attention over that. However, in talking to the pastor I did revisit it. Explaining that I have yet to see any benefit from Facebook, also knowing over 2 dozen people that have tried to use it for marketing. Most of those, myself included had far too negative cost-benefit imbalances in Facebook marketing. Offering up hundreds of free services or visits to get a pittance of mediocre to decent client base. It simply just never netted the good reliable clients that massage therapists, chiropractors, and other care providers survive by.

I count myself fortunate to have seen that pattern and ducked out before giving away too many hours of my life, my work, and my hands, to those that are ungratefully taking advantage of the freebie.

That is not to say I never give away services. In fact to this day I still do. However, I’m much more discerning in my free work. I give to those that truly value it, but otherwise might not be able to afford it. I also give away a fair number of massages to veterans, even those that can afford it. That is where I choose to give, and when someone shows their gratitude in the best way they know or have available, I’m more likely to give them repeat free services. I have one veteran that I bill for about every 4th massage, knowing he’s on a tight budget but that he sings my praises nearly daily. So essentially I do my best to catch him weekly and bill just one a month. That is my avenue for flowing charity for God. It is what I can do right now, so I do.

And besides, not dealing with Facebook took a huge stress off of me. No longer having to consider finding or creating good stock photography, and reducing my concerns of protecting people’s information and privacy. As a sole proprietor HIPAA is a potentially life threatening costly mistake waiting to happen, so I’m glad I stepped away from Facebook when I did.

Anyway, I’m utterly grateful for the whole lot, midwife being paid, meeting upper management, learning more about the company, and especially both the conversation with the President and our pastor.

Another thank you to the Divine for providing more clarity in my days and helping to continually redefine and become more specific with my desires and goals. I truly look forward to brighter days ahead.

Moving faster…

So, I’m now past the safe home delivery point. I’m officially at 38 weeks, and crunch time is on. I literally could safely give birth any day.

Though I have a bed, and we can still utilize the original backup plan for my water birth, we’re really hoping that our more permanent bedroom is situated by birth, and thus a ready comfy birth suit available.

To that end, we’ve been working like mad to carry out the plans to adjust Miss Hannah’s basement & get full move in ready. I have to say I’m utterly grateful for their offer, and especially for their help. Her and her boys have done so much hands on work, that we couldn’t have accomplished otherwise, especially with me working so many long hours.

Things are moving so much faster and more smoothly than they have for the last 2 years. There have still been glitches, but much more minor, and easier to overcome (less time consuming as well).

Bonus, so far most of the supplies have been things that were originally intended for the trailer remodel, so there’s been little expense so far (mostly paint and carpet squares). This has been an excellent element because we’ve again dumped about a thousand dollars on vehicles repairs.

I’m so over driving long distances all the time.

Since we’ve had such spectacular progress I thought I’d share some images and descriptions.

——————–

Hannah & her boys emptied the space to be our bedroom and put a coat of concrete sealing paint on.

Nathan painted the ceiling and Hannah’s boys and Anya did touch-ups where the sprayer missed. The fluorescent light fixture will get swapped out with one’s I’d intended for the trailer.

Nathan ready for spraying the ceiling:

Before touch-ups:

Hannah & kids helped me glue the bottom studs for the new wall. We had to hold them in place long enough for the glue to grab, then weighted them to sit for 24 hours to dry fully.

The salvage flooring went down. Team effort by all except me. Hannah puttied cracks since it didn’t go back as nicely as new flooring would have.

Nathan & Anya:

Teens helping:

Hannah puttying:

Flooring nearing completion, it was time to build the wall so that trim could soon be installed to finish the floor.

I started the studs last night, and Nathan added to them today based on my markings. The last few studs I’ll have to complete after work tomorrow (mainly because I know where they’re needed to place panels- a live action tetris game).

I feel fairly ridiculous looking in those pictures, geesh….

This is the wall after Nathan’s additions today.

The area below, with all the belongings piled up, will eventually be organized into a family room type area with art space & exercise stuff behind (dark far corners of the picture).

Once the studs are up, paneling will go up fast. I’m thinking we could almost get it done on Tuesday when I’m off. The catch is that I need to leave panels off one side of the wall to run new electrical sockets in it, & accommodate moving the wall switch for the bedroom light fixture. However, as long as the bedroom side is paneled & trimmed, we can assemble our bedroom furniture. It’s 13×15 feet, & tentatively I think we’ll fit our bed, baby crib, & Ian’s bed, and most supplemental furniture (dressers/closets). However, anything that doesn’t fit will be in the little kids room.

Furniture is already available, but piled other places until the room is ready. I’ll have a truly new bed for the first time in years, & this is the first time everyone will all have their own actual dressers in years, all-be-it used (before we shared and supplemented with Rubbermaid drawers). Now we’ve found dressers to accommodate everyone, & the baby dresser that was given to us doubles as a changing table.

Whew.

Finally, we will be to finish the little kids room and what will be my tub & storage room.

For the kids room I literally just need to adjust wall sockets, updating 2 of them to 3-prong (raising them higher out of toddler reach in the process), then hang paneling, trim everything out, & lay carpet squares.

This is the room before:

& yes the wall paneling will hide the furnace.

My tub-room/storage-closet, really just needs fully painted, the one wall paneled, & curtains hung in front of the shelving (on the right in this picture), water-heater (foreground), and furnace (far left of water-heater). The entrance to the room is by the furnace & it’s a small space (about 8×8), so this is unfortunately the best picture of the whole room.

The teen’s already started the painting, getting most of the two walls and shelves done. Little Ian helped some too.

He apparently loved feeling like he was helping.

The 2 panels for that one wall will go up quick and easy, and the floor needs a coat of the sealing paint & the room will be ready for curtains & tub. It will be a cozy quiet space for me to relax occasionally.

This is 2 shots of the basement bathroom. I adjusted existing shelves to create more storage, hanging the one set on the wall with hooks below for towels. I also caulked the tub. It does still need the sink glued in place (a forgotten step/oops by the original installer), & the toilet needs basic maintenance.

I’ll probably paint the board the hooks were hung with, but it’s a low priority, left for last or a teen needing something to do.

I’m very excited, because when all is said and done we’ll have nearly twice the living space we’ve had for the last 2 years, & that’s with sharing a kitchen and living room with another family. We’ll also have running water, and that is just amazingly awesome to me. Little Ian has already enjoyed a few baths with Miss Hannah’s help and he’s loving being able to take them again. I don’t blame him, I missed them too!

So, all that to say we’re headed to another step of improvement being completed. Another rung on the journey of life. *sigh* This is good. All is well.

Creative relief.

Still no new home.

 Cats dwindled down to 3 again. One, sick from old age, was euthanized to prevent pain and suffering. Being she was having difficulty seeing, showing signs of kitty dementia, and when she tried sitting, couldn’t actually fully sit (kitty hip dysplasia) and be comfortable. We knew she was miserable. Our hearts went out to her as we helped her find a path back to god.  Salem our older male disappeared outdoors and after 2 months of searching and examining found similar stray cats we’ve given up. Social media gave us hopeful leads, but alas none were Salem.

The  2 others never took to being indoor kitties and were rehomed to a farm cat rescue where they’ll be happy as clams and well fed  in their preferred environment. 

That leaves Buddy and Missy (the brother & sister kittens) and Priss (my old fat calico). 

Buddy & Missy cuddling ( they’re the same age at about a year old, but Buddy has gotten much bigger and stockier). They are so adorable!:

The only recent cute shot of Priss I have, she was thoroughly enjoying lap snuggle with Anya.:

 

For the holidays, we have one tiny undecorated table top tree out, and so far Anya is the only one to have gifts, having gotten to use all the Walmart gift cards to buy new clothes.

So, Monday when I had my first actual day off in ages, I decided to be creative. $40 in supplies (including raw balsa wood boxes) and hours of work later, I made 2 beautiful portable altar boxes and a set of mini elemental candle holders. 

The idea was spawned from a borrowed set. The friend that helped me gain insight into my connection with the boy had loaned me hers knowing I’m never home for meditative space anymore. After almost 2 months of using hers it was time to get creative and make my own. Nathan got a box of his own as a gift.

It was much needed creative relief, and yielded beautiful results that I know at least that I’ll use.

The mess I made of our bedroom trying to work in tight quarters:

The green box left of buddy is the borrowed inspiration:

Nathan’s box with his favorite motif on the top:

inside:

outside top:

My box, Inside:

My box outside(s):

& the tiny candle holders:

I even got tiny statues of Ganesh and Shiva for both boxes. I want Kali ones too, but haven’t found those yet.

Being creative literally is not only enjoyable for me, but helps clear my head completely. I lose time, and don’t eat- not because I’m starving myself, but because my brain doesn’t even think about getting hungry. I don’t watch the clock, and I’m always surprised at how much time has passed. It in and of itself, it is often meaningful and meditative giving my brain a much needed tiny, tiny vacation. When all is done and my brain returns to “reality”, I get starvingly hungry very quick and then crash from fatigue. This instance was no different and was welcomed acknowledgement of my creative mini vacation from life.

I do have to confess that the insides are decoupaged papers, and the outside circular patterns were stencils that I then repainted over to cleanup edges. I could have done them manually, but it would have taken even more time to sketch out the designs and paint them completely from scratch. It’s something that I chose not to rush, knowing it was my only chance to complete the project anytime soon. Besides that I love the look of the metallic paints, and I’m super  grateful that I had beautiful custom altar boxes for the two of us by Yule. They’re perfectly appropriate.

The only little one left, that I need to find at least one gift for, is Ian. In theory that’s the easy one.

As much as I’d love to get gaggles of goodies, I simply can’t bear to cram anything else into our current situation. So gifts will wait for the New Year and a new home (& I foresee new organizational furniture first too). Besides I still want to get those beds I’ve had my eye on for ages. We’re all over sharing bed space with a tossing, turning toddler.

Beyond that, I got to play Santa for a friend that needed the emotional relief, if not the actual financial relief. I had great fun, and it felt really good to do something significantly good  for someone else. I’m very appreciative of that and hope that my future holds the ability to do a lot more of that.

Otherwise, I just keep trucking. Day after day, work and more work. I’ve worked 32 out of the last 35 days, and the only 2 days off in the near future are Christmas Day  and January 2nd. This schedule is already old, but until the divine manifests whatever it’s been trying to tell me about, it’s pretty much my only option.

 I’m grateful for the work and the income it provides, but I’ve had many conversations with thin air about how it’s not really my ideal, far from it in fact. 

I really hope that whatever is gestating in the ethers brings relief and moves me much closer to my ideal. I’m hoping the messages I’m getting about Valentine’s Day time frame (including my birthday) are clues of that something good, but I simply don’t know. Just that February is important somehow. Looking forward to better days.

Just Be.

I am where I am, and it’s ok.

I am where I am and it’s alright,  it has to be because it’s all I’ve got. 

(- Abraham Hicks)

 Just breathe.

It’ll all be ok. 

Abraham says: go with the flow and it’ll be over soon.  That’s good. That’s relief. 

Sigh.

Quiet, still. Just be.

Be me. Be with source. 

Be calm.  Patience is easier when I’m just being with my inner me.

Just breathe. 

Feel the difference.  That’s what matters: the feeling in my body.

Relax.

I like relaxed. It feels good.  Warm, fuzzy, light,  airy. 

Soothing, yet strangely energizing. 

I don’t have to solve anything right now. There is plenty of time for that.  Besides, I couldn’t solve anything right now anyway.  This moment isn’t for that. This moment is for me.

This moment for me is about feeling better,  feeling good in fact.  I like that. So I Will… be, just be.

I LOVE Relief.

So last night I heard from him. The instant the message came through my heart felt like it was on fire. I had a huge lump in my throat. I was driving at that moment and so I sent the most basic text so I could manage just to find a stopping point. I was literally 15 min. from home and pulled into a gas station and parked just to have the conversation. My stomach flip flopped the whole time. My emotions bounced.

Nathan must have felt me because he ended up calling mid conversation. I told Nathan what I was doing and he said okay, just make sure to bring ice home and reminded me that he would need to leave for route soon.

I had waited for the conversation for so long that I didn’t want it to end, so I kept going until I knew I was pushing my time limits. Yet on the other hand I found myself still emotionally bouncing and stating things that were a touch negative. Every time I made a negative comment, I cringed knowing what I’d just said was less than desirable.

One moment though, I commented bluntly on my weight struggles, and it was like I had this huge pang/pit in my stomach. I know that I struggle to see myself as beautiful at times, but in that moment it was like I knew I’d said the worst thing I could have. It was a very strong reaction. I almost think I felt his reaction on top of mine. It kind of hurt in that moment, but the moment thankfully passed quickly.

He essentially validated my earlier intuition (see my post “The Why of Love” from June 30th) that he’s not coming back any time soon. He also, without stating it so blatantly, validated that he does care on some level. I cherish that because it helps me know I’m not crazy. You wouldn’t message someone after 2 and a half months if you didn’t care at least a little, plus some of the things he said leads me to think he cares more than just a little. But it’s still just more speculation on my part. I wish I could just shut off my 13 year old brain and walk away, I think I wouldn’t hurt myself as much.

I yearn for outright honesty. I yearn for his whole truth. I yearn for full acknowledgement. Yet, that is looking outside of myself for for those things. Law of attraction would tell me that I need to balance myself. I struggle with that.

So, I opted to focus on the things I know that feel good. He does care. He does respect me. By the reaction to my weight comment he must genuinely find me attractive. He didn’t think I would miss him, but I do, and he thanked me for the honesty- so he’s probably doing a similar dance in his head over me. There are other details I will hang on to, and I will continue to think of the intuitive images I’ve had. Maybe one day it’ll work out. For now I do my best to look for and cling to emotional relief.

So today was all about hanging out at a friends house with great air conditioning, wonderful comfy furniture, and good company. They are so nice, and she so great that she’s giving Ian a bath right now. I’m very grateful. It is so very much appreciated.

I love having good friends. I love having a comfortable environment. I love having AC. … but those are conditional things.

Unconditional:

I love Relief. I love knowing that I have more and more control over my thoughts. I love knowing that my thoughts do create things. I love knowing that as I work on keeping myself more and more buoyant that my environment is beginning to reflect that with improved situations and things. I love the good feeling thoughts. I love good feelings. I love RELIEF. I love loving things and people. I love love. I love being in love. I love feeling emotions of love. I love feeling comforted. I love feeling respected. I love feeling appreciated and appreciation. I love feeling knowing and like I have a solid knowledge base. I love feeling clarity. I love feeling supported. I love feeling like I’ve been heard. I love feeling like I belong and I’m accepted for who I am. I love feelings of connection and vitality. I love being energized and feeling full of energy and life. I love having good gentle mental challenges.  I like that the challenges in my life are getting a bit easier with my improvements in mental clarity. I love having time freedom. I love having ample abundance. I love relief. I look forward to all of these things in greater abundance and for my flow to carry me swiftly and gently to all of the wonderful things in my vortex, because I am learning to let go of the oars. Relief is good. Going with the flow is good. Thank you divine, thank you for all the input, all the messages, all the support. It is so greatly appreciated. Aabhaaree hoon. I am so very grateful.