Tag Archives: feeling relief

More perspective.

Thank you Trump, thank you one percenters, thank you paid disinformants, thank you paid fear mongerers. You have provided me with a priceless perspective. Thank you God for all of their presence in my life.

You have provided me with the knowledge of how much healing I have accomplished. I may not have completely healed my brain, but it’s a hell of a lot closer than I thought.

I didn’t fall for the fear, because of my knowing of my divine protection built into my hyperactive immune system. I didn’t fall for the lies and outlandish claims because I am aware and intelligent enough that I remembered details of many other diseases and causes of death and I remembered my education on the life cycle of a virus. I was educated well enough to be able to research properly, and fill in gaps in my memory. I was educated well enough that I know proper sanitation and normal appropriate sustainable means of controlling disease, and can see where measures pushed beyond sustainability and increased more suffering than the disease itself. I know and understand: “First do no harm”- if the solution is worse than the disease then any person deserves full disclosure and consent.

I had enough perspective already, to know a lot about death and dieing, and I was spiritually aware enough to not be afraid of them. Because I KNOW God intimately I am not afraid of dieing, and I know it is not my time yet, even if I do sometimes wonder why it’s not, or seek that level of peace. Because I KNOW God, I also know that the divine protects us all as much as we allow, so even if my protection means going home out of this chaos, I also know God will look after my family as well. I have awaken enough to stand independent of the fear ridden masses and rise above the darkness known as IT.

I appreciate the perspective that anything can be done in excess and to harmful levels. Greed may help save money on the shallow end, but causes the powerful to crave money so intensely that they do things to harm society as a whole. They begin to care about money more than humanity, so much that the first available opportunity becomes a plot to help credit cards, creditors, vaccine producers, and big businesses at the expense of the American and even worldwide citizens. It gave me perspective so that I can focus on what degree I do anything, I only am willing to be selfish in so much as it is helpful, selfishness that causes harm to another is unacceptable me.

I am aware enough to understand my place in it all. The outer world is a manifestation of my inner world. Everyone is overreacting to something out of their control. My immune system is hyperactive which is the same thing, but mine is reacting to molecules triggered by exposure to toxic chemicals which were injected into my blood stream. My immune system was exposed so many times in decades past, to toxins in my bloodstream, that it wants to cling to that knowledge even though it means it is killing my own body. It is trying to protect me from poisoning by going after any molecules that remotely look the same. I now know I can fix this. I will tell my immune system to relax and go back to only fighting virus, bacteria or parasites. I will remind my liver to eliminate all the toxins. There are many ways to do both, an I have already eliminated as many sources of continued toxins as humanly possible. I will remind my body as repeatedly as necessary to let God in to provide divine healing.

Because of all of this I can and will heal.

I am more confident than ever in my abilities, knowledge, experience and divine connection. I am ever so appreciative that all have improved, but especially my divine connection. Thank you God for being with me through thick and thin, through bad times and good, through sickness and health. Thank you God for helping me with my biggest challenges and getting me the information the best way I can hear it. Thank you for flowing me all of the answers through helpful people, through AI notifications, through videos and conversations. Thank for for showing me all of this and helping me see that even the bad is valuable. Thank you divine for being in me and giving me these words to express thoughts that seem larger than the written word. Thank you even more for guiding my thoughts to these solutions and greater understanding.

May you all have solutions and greater understanding. May you see the value even in the negative. May you make peace with death and understand and know whether it’s your time or not. May you have the intelligence to know fact from fiction, to know how to research whatever you don’t understand or remember, and to rise above fear. May you be awaken to your divine connection and it’s blessings and guidance. May you know you are safe and have the ability to heal. May you rise above the darkness of IT to see God’s guiding light.

An it Harm None.

Siva Hir Su

Calm. Float.

Apropos; listen to “Float” by Flogging Molly :

https://youtu.be/JZKjxxciTVk  lyrics as follows:

Drank away the rest of the day
Wonder what my liver'd say
Drink, it's all you can

Blackened days with their bigger gales
Blow in your parlor to discuss the day
Listen, it's all you can

But don't, don't sink the boat
That you need, you build to keep afloat
No don't, don't sink the boat
That you built...

Sick and tired of what to say
No one listens anyway
Sing, it's all you can

Rambling years of lousy luck
You miss the smell of burning turf
Dream, it's all you can

But don't, don't sink the boat
That you need, you build to keep afloat
No don't, don't sink the boat
That you built...

Singled out for who you are
Takes all types to judge a man
Feel, that's all you can

Filthy suits with bigot ears
Hide behind their own worst fears
Live, it's all you can

It's all you can
It's all you can... Do

No matter where I put my head
I wake up feeling sound again
Breath, it's all you can

Tomorrow smells of less decay
The flowers keep this bloomin' fray
Be thankful, it's all you can

But don't, don't sink the boat
That you built, you built to keep alfoat
But don't, don't sink the boat
That you built, you built to keep afloat
But don't, don't sink the boat
That you built, you built to keep afloat
No don't, no don't sink the boat
That you built,
We all built to keep afloat

A ripe old age
A ripe old age
I'm a ripe old age
That's what I am
Ripe old age
Ripe old age
A ripe old age
Just doin' the best I can (repeat)

May miniature art piece today was gifted to the office manager. She had seen my candles quote from yesterday and said she would like something similar for her desk. We both liked the quote I chose. It only took me a couple of hours around the 2 massages I did. It’s watercolor and drafting pen on watercolor paper.

It was not perfect, but it did bring me some inner peace. Art always does that. Sometimes I have difficulty choosing what to do, but once I start my brain switches into creative zone out. It is very relaxing and that element alone was very appreciated.

I always notice the flaws because I am so critical of myself, but I appreciate that I am capable of creating these images with just my hands a couple drawing tools and some time.

I love that my mind has the ability to just switch over like that too. With all the chaos this week, and everyone trying to melt down over yet another disease, I have noticed my brain and body are gravitating to the things that calm my brain and allow my soul to float.

I told Nathan several days ago that I kept finding myself singing, even at the clinic I would hide in the laundry room to sing. I don’t need anyone to hear me, in fact that usually embarrasses me. I just needed to make music for the calm factor, and I don’t have access to instruments most of my available times. So my voice does it’s best to meet that desire. Regardless of my actual singing ability, it does accomplish the calm quite well.

I also did some beading. My lapis-lazuli/chakra-stones mala beads needed restrung because the cord was wearing thin, and I reformatted my kunzite/rose-quartz mala beads as well. That was also welcomed calm for one evening.

I am very very grateful that I know my most effective tools for centering and finding my inner peace. I wish sometimes that they made me money, but honestly when my clients are quiet and I can focus, I am able to find my calm around the table too. I just have yet to master finding my calm in the midst of chaos, complaints, or dominating sounds that aren’t music.

May you all have moments of quiet centeredness. May you feel your inner peace. May you enjoy your days mostly and find the benefits of any moments you might not enjoy. May you have abundant income and ample time for yourself and your family. May you remain healthy and happy through this challenge, but also for most of your years. Live long and prosper. Greatful, I am.

Siva Hir Su

Loved, loving, lovable

Nathan helped me after work yesterday. We pulled cards and he helped me figure out the meaning, the story the cards told, what the hell I was feeling and experiencing.

There were 7 people, I was the center one, the other 6 were the people I had been feeling in my body all day, and as we talked over the cards I could feel which person was what spot in my body. At the end of the reading I realized that it was my birth family recreated, that each role I could relate to parents or siblings in childhood, but also to the current and recent past. It seems to this day, I love them all and just wish they got along because I love them.

My intuitive flash was that I just need to focus on the positive elements of each of the 6 roles. That they keep re-manifesting because I need to focus and put all the positives together. Yet at the same time understanding their roles in the first place to let them off the hook. They are not responsible for my happiness. I can love them without needing them to keep reappearing in my life. They only need be in my life if they want to be.

1) There’s the mature man with finances to spare, but emotions are upside down because his world was turned upside down. I still love him and hope he sees that. He was kind and soft spoken. He was commanding not because of force or volume, but because everyone knew when he spoke he had something important to contribute. He was strong and lean and healthy and easy going. He was gentle but passionate. He gave excellent back rubs and was one of the best computer programmers I knew. He had adorable wavy hair I always wanted to play with, and cute glasses. He was focused and driven with regards to his work. He was generous and loving and a good friend to everyone around him. He was super smart but also down to earth and could talk to anyone. He will always have my heart, no matter what.

2) There’s the shooting for the stars man. More mature than anyone gives credit, but because he’s shooting for the stars might be a bit overconfident in his own abilities, it makes for good learning lessons. He has stable finances, but grand ideas on how to manage them, which occasionally comes off as a bit ungrounded, but to me that’s endearing/cute. He’s also strong and passionate, and can be gentle when he wants. He’s a gentlemen when he focuses and is mindful of his touch and affect on people. He senses energy like me and wants to do the right thing, but doesn’t know how to respond when the energy is more intense than expected (I also think he’s figuring it out as he goes- just like me). He knows how to have fun and is kind to everyone. He is far more open and accepting than anyone will ever give him credit and I suspect he feels pigeonholed. He wants to be accepted for who he is as much as I do, and also has big dreams of helping people in grand ways. He’s handsome to me, especially in moments of kindness, and I appreciate that he wants to have his act together, not just look like it. I also appreciate that he has goals of fighting the good fight and being faithful in every sense of the word. He is very capable and optimistic and carefully contemplates consequences before taking action. He trusts his gut and follows his instincts well. He’s often intense, but a very deep thinker that no one notices. He’s good at whatever he desires to put his efforts into. I will love him whether he ever loves me or not. He is a good person at heart.

3) There’s the woman I’ll call my angel with broken wings. She parallels my mom, and I’ve already had this role refilled a couple of times. Overlooking victim mentality, she’s beautiful and kind. She is flexible and able to go with the flow. She’s often more solution oriented because of the problems she has faced. She is usually strong and always wants to be loved, just has a hard time seeing/receiving it. She’s a wonderful mom and intent on helping others avoid traumas she faced. She brings out the helper and healer in me. She wants everyone to feel good and feel loved. She’s a great cook and very organized. She wants to put people at ease and save them from hurts. She wants to help make the world a more beautiful place. She is sincere and good at making you feel like the center of the universe when she focuses. She’ll literally pick you up when you fall, even if it hurts herself in the process. She deserves someone that can get through her defences and give her the same in return. She’ll have my heart forever even though she never noticed she got it in the first place.

4) Mr honesty (Nathan and one of my brothers). So honest that he can’t even slant the story to make it sound better. Yet very loving and strong. He wants to be there for you as much as possible but knows his own limitations and downfalls. He is easily distracted by all that glitters as gold, but has a keen sense of what is genuine and worth keeping. His heart is true and faithful. He is more likely to let his health suffer than to avoid work or being there for his chosen family. Once he’s committed he’s all in, and for the duration of his life. He is very creative and able to solve many problems, and confident in those few things that he has taken great care to master. He is a kind and patient father and good husband. A little patience goes a long ways for seeing things through with him. He has my heart and knows it, but because he knows it, he is confident in allowing me to be me in whatever way that means, and is ready to give me a hug if I fall and hurt myself.

5) Intensely connected. He is real, and I’ve heard his voice, he’s not dead. We share the same energy stream so intensely that emotions ping pong off each other. Every emotion flows so easily through the ethers that I feel like I know him a thousand ways, and a thousand lifetimes over. He’s curious and passionate, a hard worker and with highly admirable lofty dreams of helping whole families. He’s intelligent and multilingual. He’s an engineer like my dad and one brother. He’s a dreamer like me but a bit more practical in application. Adorable, charming, open and accepting. He wants everyone to be happy and get along, and like me wants everyone to feel the loving connection. He’s willing to work on himself and keep improving. He won my heart years ago, and knows it, but doesn’t know why. I would love to explore why, but know I will find my happiness even if that doesn’t happen.

6) Known unknown, this slot is representative of my younger sibling and also the person whom is connected to Mr Intensely Connected (as felt during the reading-left side of my heart), the cards that came out could also apply to a couple of other people I’ve known. I feel them and care deeply, but there is a lot I don’t know about them.  I know by virtue of being in my bubble (my little brother being family) they are innately a good person. You don’t get years of association with good people, being raised by good people, and turn out to be that nasty. Yet, I’ve not had the luxury to fully see the way life has moulded their being into strengths and weaknesses. I get a sense that they lean toward scientific minded and chalk many things up to chance. I know my brother is honest and genuine and doing his best to leave a positive mark on this world also, so I like to think the others are similar. Honorable and relatively easy going, but compassionate even when not necessarily on the path of least resistance. The kind of person in search of their truths and able to examine things more objectively than most.

Those were the 6 people of the reading, the types that I keep re-attracting, and feeling in my body. It made sense to me. Why I was feeling them for nearly 2 days straight I’m not sure. All I know is I was being told to only focus on their good traits and let them off the hook.

So if you know you’re one of those people and you read my blog to keep up with me, I release you. I let you go. You’re not responsible for my well-being or my happiness. I only want you in my life if you want to be, but especially enough wanting to ease into finding a way to coexist with anyone else in my experience. I know I can’t make people get along, and I know that others are not responsible for my happiness. I’m willing to allow others to come and go as they need and I’m willing for others to display their affection or lack thereof in whatever ways they see fit. I am willing to let God take over the connections and help me to have my best life. I am willing to give love unconditionally because that is what God wants of me. I am willing to let go and let God.

I have experienced a knowing this week, through the help of changing energies and my finger tips. A knowing so deep that words fail, but which will last in my memory until my dieing day. A knowing simply of letting go of control can actually help things work better. It started with feeling the others, with feeling clients, continued with telling cells they can take the day off and relax, with visualizing warm sun on skin to enable relaxation, and ended with a long awaited phone call. I like this new knowing and I’m very grateful for the understanding.

May you all find a way to let go and let God. May you give your cells, your whole body, a break- let them release each other and feel sensations of things they miss. May you feel unconditional love and a knowing of your connection to God. May you understand why you keep repeating elements of your life. May you find a way to give control back to the divine. May you see all of the benefits of that in your life. May you feel blessed and divinely guided.

Siva Hir Su

Oh my, now what?!

This weekend brought a few hours to spare, and much unpacking and situating, even quite a bit of construction.

Saturday late-afternoon and evening I tackled our living room and I was able to get about half of it unpacked. I of course started with the prettiest and most meaningful parts to our experience. It meant that when I ran out of steam our living room was a beautiful spread of 2 altar spaces lit with glowing candles. One is the fireplace mantle and the other the top of the big bookcase. Before (in the rental) I had everything tightly organized onto just the bookcase, it worked, but I’m appreciative that I now have the extra mantle space. I feel it better serves the delineation between the different divine archetypes we work with. It felt very good to get the energy flowing in a very positive way again.

I also managed to get many (not all) of our pictures and family keepsakes hung. I sat with Nathan and Kids and had a long moment of tired but very satisfied appreciation. I was very grateful for this new home.

I was only slightly concerned that my inability to keep moving meant none of our books or important paperwork was dealt with. That will be dealt with in due time.

After my moment with family, I crashed for a good night’s sleep. I even ended up sleeping in a bit the next morning. I tried to get up at my usual time, and decided to do a meditation. My meditation ended with a cat curling up on my lap and then I dozed off again. I was reawakened by the same cat knocking the bouquet Nathan had gotten me, off the mantle. The adrenaline rush of jumping into action to clean up the puddle launched me into my second “day off” of action.

The rest of Sunday was a comical trip to Home Depot to purchase the carpet that Anya finally picked for the flooring of her room, and the following construction labors.

Home Depot is NOT my favorite hardware store, but it’s the closest one to our new home, which was vitally important for the purpose of the trip. It took me forever to find someone to cut the length of carpet I needed, but once complete and checked out they were nice enough to help load it into our car.

That was the comedic moment. See we drive a little red 4 door Mazda Protège, And the carpet was a 12 foot long roll. I had to make the trip alone because the roll was slid in from the trunk all the way up to the front dashboard. Slid is an over simplification, more like shove, adjust, shove, adjust, repeat until it was in as far as possible. They sent the youngest teen boy to help and he was strong but not great at understanding what I needed of him. When all was said and done we got all but 4 feet of the roll in the car. I hung the appropriate red flag from the end and drove home with the trunk open to 28 degree weather.

Once home it was almost as comical to get the carpet out of the car and downstairs to Anya’s bedroom. The staircase is just inside the front door, but faces the bathroom and thus required bending the carpet roll to turn the corner into the bathroom.

Regardless, we succeeded and carpet was eventually installed.

Before putting the carpet down I did the drywall patch on the superfluous doorway and laid the carpet pad. I also installed two doors with appropriate framing. After the carpet was down and trimmed properly, I trimmed out her baseboards and doorway. The following pictures take you through that journey, from where the room started to when I finally ran out of steam.

Literally the only 4 things left for her room are: door kick-plate, door threshold strip, re-painting, and unpacking.

She was hesitant about the room initially, but as I figured it was because it was incomplete. Now she’s super excited since it looks and feels like a bedroom suite.

I do still have trim left to complete in her little half bath, and a few other odds and ends, but the most intense of the desired construction stuff is complete. It feels good to acknowledge that 2 weeks from close, the biggest chores have been tackled and completed. At this point we just have lots of boxes to sort and put away, some of which were in long-term storage so Nathan has already started a big box for donation items.

And today is Tuesday, the first chance I’ve had to write since then. It’s also the first chance I’ve had for serious self-care in about a week. SO, I’ve done cupping on my arms to get functionality back. I was seriously tight and sore from all the heavy work both in office and at home. My skin has soaked up 8 ounces of Mag-ahol, and post cupping I’m doing lots of arnica to take out the “attacked by octopus” look.

May you all have time to spare, speedy progress, and successful ventures in all respects. May you feel satisfied and appreciate your home. May you feel the gratitude of things going well, and see positive changes in your experience. May your tired be well earned and followed by ample rest and rejuvenation. May you have many blessings and much love.

Siva Hir Su

And so it begins…

HAL has begun sending me things to reinforce my last post. One of which is the following:

How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

I guess I will never understand fully because letting go and focusing on love seem to be the bigger message. I still wish I had some understanding.

Anyways, in moving on, I had a really good time today with 2 different co-workers during downtime.

I took a walk with the office manager and we had a really great conversation, with some much needed emotional release for both of us. Plus it helped me reach my step goals today. I was very appreciative of that time all around.

I also got to play a couple of games of “Magic the Gathering” with the one chiropractor. It’s a game I used to play with the brother that’s closest to me in age. It has been …. let’s see…. since early 2003 that I’ve played. That’s 16, almost 17, years. Wow!

I still have my cards from back then, but so much has changed that the new decks are much better, so he has been encouraging me to use his. I feel like I’m starting from scratch and completely relearning everything. It’s so fun though. I totally lost big time- on both games, but still enjoyed every bit of it.

I am so out of practice that the strategy feels over my head yet, but I get the concept. The layering of steps and which cards work better in what order can be very complex. I literally had a card in my hand that I’d been holding for several turns, but forgot to leave myself enough mana(land) to use it and it cost me the one game.

I enjoy learning so much though, and it is definitely a fun kind of learning, so it literally made me giddy at one point. I felt like I got silly hyper with the fun. That was a very much needed distraction from my previous focus.

As for learning: I’m still working on hindi and telegu in my spare time, but since I have no idea why God nudged me to do so (especially since I’m letting go of that person) , it’s at a very relaxed pace. I’m getting to where in hindi I can pick out letters and sound out words even though I know very few translations. Telegu I know more translations, but have fewer of the characters memorized. It’s merely a symptom of the different apps and how they teach languages. I like Duolingo and Drops, which both offer hindi, but neither offer telegu. The telegu apps are much less sophisticated, but still get the job done.

I’ve also begun the slow tedious process of becoming an approved continuing education provider for massage therapy. Essentially, the easy part is proving my qualifications to teach a handful of courses by documenting I have so many years working using said techniques, I also have a bachelor’s degree, which though they would prefer it to be related (a BS), it doesn’t hurt. Once I do that easy step, I literally have to follow rules and write my own curriculum which can be no more than 30% cited source material. Finally, once I’ve written everything, I can apply by submitting my CV and courses for approval; of course paying the appropriate exorbitant fees. They really try to dissuade people from becoming providers: can’t have too many teachers and too few students you know!

I’m not intimidated by the process in the least. Their basic calculation is 1200 words equals a credit unit. That’s a blog post for me, so I’m guessing I’ll have more trouble pairing down or figuring out how to subdivide my topics for multiple related courses. However, after having written the operations manual for my previous position, I’m certain I’m up to the task. It’s more about convincing myself to do the free work knowing that eventually I’ll recoup the benefit in paid courses with students in multiplicity.

I’m also contemplating the investment of a site where I can host web-based courses. Essentially, the text/testing coursework can be provided via web interface without practical hands on CE hours. Ultimately that helps spread the information side, but the CMT loses access to the extra CE’s for the hands on practicals. It’s a lower cost solution for both parties, but longterm it would benefit me as the provider more. It’s a huge up front investment, to also have to market like crazy, but longterm reaping significantly higher benefits. Ultimately, it will happen, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the investment side just yet. I’ll contemplate web platforms and do the math several times during my writing phase of this momentous step, and make my final decision during the application process.

Long story short, I’m having fun and learning and inching toward another significant step of improvement. All by my not-so-little own self. I feel like screaming “HA, Take That World!”… but alas I know no one would really truly care anyway. So, I’ll keep my ‘I win’ moment to myself, and relish that I know I’m the only one that gets credit for digging myself out of a decade of hardship…. me and God that is.

May you all have happy dances of overcoming obstacles. May you find kindness around you and moments of connection with others. May you find joy in continually learning and ways to share what you’ve already mastered. May you see God’s grace and support guiding you through all of life’s moments toward brighter futures.

Siva Hir Su

A moment of inspired irreverence.

So this morning I was simply contemplating my sailor like language at times, but acknowledging that not all swears carry a low vibration. Ultimately that was my concern: am I affecting my vibration, bringing it down, by swearing so much.

Then suddenly I remembered watching a comedian montage about the versatility of swear words. The exact bit that popped into my head was his way of delivering “fuck that shit” vs “fuck yeah”. So, I wanted to share and went looking for the stint I was inspired with. I searched YouTube to no avail. I never found exactly that one.

However, I did find 3 others equally funny.

Those I’ll share here. I hope you enjoy this comedic irreverence this morning, especially since it raises your vibration to the fun/funny/laughing level, and was inspired thought at it’s inception.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Victory and insights.

So the victory is my midwife is paid in full!!!! Yay! Happy dance and squeals of delight.

I even have a little bit saved for the trip to Acadia National Park in Maine the end of July. At this rate I think I’ll have enough to make the trip. It might be tight, but I can’t say no to free lodging, a beautiful experience, and visiting family I’ve not seen in nearly a decade.

That is wonderful relief.

On an entirely different topic, the insights came yesterday at a mandatory meeting our building had with the President and Vice President of our company. I have to say meeting them was far more comfortable than daily working tends to be. Everyone around me was running around stressing and I just wasn’t. I don’t know why in particular but it felt very comfortable and I even had a good albeit short conversation with the President.

He seems like a genuinely good guy, and the biggest take away from the meeting was that the owners are also good people.

It led to a long conversation with our pastor afterwards. We discussed how a company gets to where they have such genuinely good goals and set out to do good deeds, but end up having staffing and budget issues as I’ve seen. How the low people on the totem essentially still boil down to numbers. And how those ideals fail to carry through to all of the individuals in the organization.

It helped me gain some more clarity on my goals of Atira. The pastor used the phrasing that perhaps a company gets too large to fully understand all of the individual workings and really know it’s people. That the connections that express a person’s value are lost. That sentiment reinforced prior ideas I’d had that Atira should be a singular community. It could spawn franchisee opportunities or literally just help people learn how to start their own communities, but I really don’t want a company of mine to grow so large that the company itself begins to lose sight of it’s intent.

I want Atira to stay manageable so that I know for sure it is helping people both within and outside of it’s structure. I want to know that if all the individuals understand that, the better it functions and the more they can make happen in their lives and in the lives of others.

For instance: I know I want to give homeless people second chances by putting them to work- training and all, but I also acknowledge that minimum wage being just over $7 is highly unrealistic with the inflation we’ve had the last 20 years. I want Atira to be able to sustain realistic living wages for all of it’s staff members, and those with experience and drive do deserve to earn more.

Yet, I acknowledge that in order for there to be profits to divert for other charitable uses, there does have to be positive flow of goods and services being exchanged for properly set fees.

It is definitely a tricky balancing act, and one that though I now can see my employer aimed for, either did not reach or was unable to maintain. I want Atira to reach and maintain it.

Beyond that, yesterday’s conversations and interactions solidified that I have done very well for myself with much less effort than some. I pointed out to the President that I had only ever paid for two boxes of business cards and never did pamphlets or other costly marketing.

I left Facebook nonsense out of that conversation knowing that I had already gotten their attention over that. However, in talking to the pastor I did revisit it. Explaining that I have yet to see any benefit from Facebook, also knowing over 2 dozen people that have tried to use it for marketing. Most of those, myself included had far too negative cost-benefit imbalances in Facebook marketing. Offering up hundreds of free services or visits to get a pittance of mediocre to decent client base. It simply just never netted the good reliable clients that massage therapists, chiropractors, and other care providers survive by.

I count myself fortunate to have seen that pattern and ducked out before giving away too many hours of my life, my work, and my hands, to those that are ungratefully taking advantage of the freebie.

That is not to say I never give away services. In fact to this day I still do. However, I’m much more discerning in my free work. I give to those that truly value it, but otherwise might not be able to afford it. I also give away a fair number of massages to veterans, even those that can afford it. That is where I choose to give, and when someone shows their gratitude in the best way they know or have available, I’m more likely to give them repeat free services. I have one veteran that I bill for about every 4th massage, knowing he’s on a tight budget but that he sings my praises nearly daily. So essentially I do my best to catch him weekly and bill just one a month. That is my avenue for flowing charity for God. It is what I can do right now, so I do.

And besides, not dealing with Facebook took a huge stress off of me. No longer having to consider finding or creating good stock photography, and reducing my concerns of protecting people’s information and privacy. As a sole proprietor HIPAA is a potentially life threatening costly mistake waiting to happen, so I’m glad I stepped away from Facebook when I did.

Anyway, I’m utterly grateful for the whole lot, midwife being paid, meeting upper management, learning more about the company, and especially both the conversation with the President and our pastor.

Another thank you to the Divine for providing more clarity in my days and helping to continually redefine and become more specific with my desires and goals. I truly look forward to brighter days ahead.

Moving faster…

So, I’m now past the safe home delivery point. I’m officially at 38 weeks, and crunch time is on. I literally could safely give birth any day.

Though I have a bed, and we can still utilize the original backup plan for my water birth, we’re really hoping that our more permanent bedroom is situated by birth, and thus a ready comfy birth suit available.

To that end, we’ve been working like mad to carry out the plans to adjust Miss Hannah’s basement & get full move in ready. I have to say I’m utterly grateful for their offer, and especially for their help. Her and her boys have done so much hands on work, that we couldn’t have accomplished otherwise, especially with me working so many long hours.

Things are moving so much faster and more smoothly than they have for the last 2 years. There have still been glitches, but much more minor, and easier to overcome (less time consuming as well).

Bonus, so far most of the supplies have been things that were originally intended for the trailer remodel, so there’s been little expense so far (mostly paint and carpet squares). This has been an excellent element because we’ve again dumped about a thousand dollars on vehicles repairs.

I’m so over driving long distances all the time.

Since we’ve had such spectacular progress I thought I’d share some images and descriptions.

——————–

Hannah & her boys emptied the space to be our bedroom and put a coat of concrete sealing paint on.

Nathan painted the ceiling and Hannah’s boys and Anya did touch-ups where the sprayer missed. The fluorescent light fixture will get swapped out with one’s I’d intended for the trailer.

Nathan ready for spraying the ceiling:

Before touch-ups:

Hannah & kids helped me glue the bottom studs for the new wall. We had to hold them in place long enough for the glue to grab, then weighted them to sit for 24 hours to dry fully.

The salvage flooring went down. Team effort by all except me. Hannah puttied cracks since it didn’t go back as nicely as new flooring would have.

Nathan & Anya:

Teens helping:

Hannah puttying:

Flooring nearing completion, it was time to build the wall so that trim could soon be installed to finish the floor.

I started the studs last night, and Nathan added to them today based on my markings. The last few studs I’ll have to complete after work tomorrow (mainly because I know where they’re needed to place panels- a live action tetris game).

I feel fairly ridiculous looking in those pictures, geesh….

This is the wall after Nathan’s additions today.

The area below, with all the belongings piled up, will eventually be organized into a family room type area with art space & exercise stuff behind (dark far corners of the picture).

Once the studs are up, paneling will go up fast. I’m thinking we could almost get it done on Tuesday when I’m off. The catch is that I need to leave panels off one side of the wall to run new electrical sockets in it, & accommodate moving the wall switch for the bedroom light fixture. However, as long as the bedroom side is paneled & trimmed, we can assemble our bedroom furniture. It’s 13×15 feet, & tentatively I think we’ll fit our bed, baby crib, & Ian’s bed, and most supplemental furniture (dressers/closets). However, anything that doesn’t fit will be in the little kids room.

Furniture is already available, but piled other places until the room is ready. I’ll have a truly new bed for the first time in years, & this is the first time everyone will all have their own actual dressers in years, all-be-it used (before we shared and supplemented with Rubbermaid drawers). Now we’ve found dressers to accommodate everyone, & the baby dresser that was given to us doubles as a changing table.

Whew.

Finally, we will be to finish the little kids room and what will be my tub & storage room.

For the kids room I literally just need to adjust wall sockets, updating 2 of them to 3-prong (raising them higher out of toddler reach in the process), then hang paneling, trim everything out, & lay carpet squares.

This is the room before:

& yes the wall paneling will hide the furnace.

My tub-room/storage-closet, really just needs fully painted, the one wall paneled, & curtains hung in front of the shelving (on the right in this picture), water-heater (foreground), and furnace (far left of water-heater). The entrance to the room is by the furnace & it’s a small space (about 8×8), so this is unfortunately the best picture of the whole room.

The teen’s already started the painting, getting most of the two walls and shelves done. Little Ian helped some too.

He apparently loved feeling like he was helping.

The 2 panels for that one wall will go up quick and easy, and the floor needs a coat of the sealing paint & the room will be ready for curtains & tub. It will be a cozy quiet space for me to relax occasionally.

This is 2 shots of the basement bathroom. I adjusted existing shelves to create more storage, hanging the one set on the wall with hooks below for towels. I also caulked the tub. It does still need the sink glued in place (a forgotten step/oops by the original installer), & the toilet needs basic maintenance.

I’ll probably paint the board the hooks were hung with, but it’s a low priority, left for last or a teen needing something to do.

I’m very excited, because when all is said and done we’ll have nearly twice the living space we’ve had for the last 2 years, & that’s with sharing a kitchen and living room with another family. We’ll also have running water, and that is just amazingly awesome to me. Little Ian has already enjoyed a few baths with Miss Hannah’s help and he’s loving being able to take them again. I don’t blame him, I missed them too!

So, all that to say we’re headed to another step of improvement being completed. Another rung on the journey of life. *sigh* This is good. All is well.

Creative relief.

Still no new home.

 Cats dwindled down to 3 again. One, sick from old age, was euthanized to prevent pain and suffering. Being she was having difficulty seeing, showing signs of kitty dementia, and when she tried sitting, couldn’t actually fully sit (kitty hip dysplasia) and be comfortable. We knew she was miserable. Our hearts went out to her as we helped her find a path back to god.  Salem our older male disappeared outdoors and after 2 months of searching and examining found similar stray cats we’ve given up. Social media gave us hopeful leads, but alas none were Salem.

The  2 others never took to being indoor kitties and were rehomed to a farm cat rescue where they’ll be happy as clams and well fed  in their preferred environment. 

That leaves Buddy and Missy (the brother & sister kittens) and Priss (my old fat calico). 

Buddy & Missy cuddling ( they’re the same age at about a year old, but Buddy has gotten much bigger and stockier). They are so adorable!:

The only recent cute shot of Priss I have, she was thoroughly enjoying lap snuggle with Anya.:

 

For the holidays, we have one tiny undecorated table top tree out, and so far Anya is the only one to have gifts, having gotten to use all the Walmart gift cards to buy new clothes.

So, Monday when I had my first actual day off in ages, I decided to be creative. $40 in supplies (including raw balsa wood boxes) and hours of work later, I made 2 beautiful portable altar boxes and a set of mini elemental candle holders. 

The idea was spawned from a borrowed set. The friend that helped me gain insight into my connection with the boy had loaned me hers knowing I’m never home for meditative space anymore. After almost 2 months of using hers it was time to get creative and make my own. Nathan got a box of his own as a gift.

It was much needed creative relief, and yielded beautiful results that I know at least that I’ll use.

The mess I made of our bedroom trying to work in tight quarters:

The green box left of buddy is the borrowed inspiration:

Nathan’s box with his favorite motif on the top:

inside:

outside top:

My box, Inside:

My box outside(s):

& the tiny candle holders:

I even got tiny statues of Ganesh and Shiva for both boxes. I want Kali ones too, but haven’t found those yet.

Being creative literally is not only enjoyable for me, but helps clear my head completely. I lose time, and don’t eat- not because I’m starving myself, but because my brain doesn’t even think about getting hungry. I don’t watch the clock, and I’m always surprised at how much time has passed. It in and of itself, it is often meaningful and meditative giving my brain a much needed tiny, tiny vacation. When all is done and my brain returns to “reality”, I get starvingly hungry very quick and then crash from fatigue. This instance was no different and was welcomed acknowledgement of my creative mini vacation from life.

I do have to confess that the insides are decoupaged papers, and the outside circular patterns were stencils that I then repainted over to cleanup edges. I could have done them manually, but it would have taken even more time to sketch out the designs and paint them completely from scratch. It’s something that I chose not to rush, knowing it was my only chance to complete the project anytime soon. Besides that I love the look of the metallic paints, and I’m super  grateful that I had beautiful custom altar boxes for the two of us by Yule. They’re perfectly appropriate.

The only little one left, that I need to find at least one gift for, is Ian. In theory that’s the easy one.

As much as I’d love to get gaggles of goodies, I simply can’t bear to cram anything else into our current situation. So gifts will wait for the New Year and a new home (& I foresee new organizational furniture first too). Besides I still want to get those beds I’ve had my eye on for ages. We’re all over sharing bed space with a tossing, turning toddler.

Beyond that, I got to play Santa for a friend that needed the emotional relief, if not the actual financial relief. I had great fun, and it felt really good to do something significantly good  for someone else. I’m very appreciative of that and hope that my future holds the ability to do a lot more of that.

Otherwise, I just keep trucking. Day after day, work and more work. I’ve worked 32 out of the last 35 days, and the only 2 days off in the near future are Christmas Day  and January 2nd. This schedule is already old, but until the divine manifests whatever it’s been trying to tell me about, it’s pretty much my only option.

 I’m grateful for the work and the income it provides, but I’ve had many conversations with thin air about how it’s not really my ideal, far from it in fact. 

I really hope that whatever is gestating in the ethers brings relief and moves me much closer to my ideal. I’m hoping the messages I’m getting about Valentine’s Day time frame (including my birthday) are clues of that something good, but I simply don’t know. Just that February is important somehow. Looking forward to better days.

Just Be.

I am where I am, and it’s ok.

I am where I am and it’s alright,  it has to be because it’s all I’ve got. 

(- Abraham Hicks)

 Just breathe.

It’ll all be ok. 

Abraham says: go with the flow and it’ll be over soon.  That’s good. That’s relief. 

Sigh.

Quiet, still. Just be.

Be me. Be with source. 

Be calm.  Patience is easier when I’m just being with my inner me.

Just breathe. 

Feel the difference.  That’s what matters: the feeling in my body.

Relax.

I like relaxed. It feels good.  Warm, fuzzy, light,  airy. 

Soothing, yet strangely energizing. 

I don’t have to solve anything right now. There is plenty of time for that.  Besides, I couldn’t solve anything right now anyway.  This moment isn’t for that. This moment is for me.

This moment for me is about feeling better,  feeling good in fact.  I like that. So I Will… be, just be.