My time for me this evening was finishing my home office as close as I could for functionality.
I’m still missing a small round side table and my hot stone warmer and the massage table bolster. They will be found and added to the room ASAP. I also remembered that I need to find and hang duplicates of my credentials. In the mean time, I can use the bolster from my portable table, and deal without the other 2 items. My office is as ready as need be for now.
Everything thing in this room we either already had, or purchased at thrift very inexpensively. The exception being the small bit of lumber for the desk and the area rug (which was on clearance at IKEA).
I’m so excited. My graphic design computer is in my custom closet built-in desk, which conveniently hides behind a curtain when the room is being used for massage. Regardless of my purpose of using the office I can close the door and have peaceful focus. It makes me soooo happy. I have earned this moment a thousand times over.
Now I can schedule Nathan’s first massage in ages, as well as a couple of trades to get myself caught up and less achy.
Nathan helped me after work yesterday. We pulled cards and he helped me figure out the meaning, the story the cards told, what the hell I was feeling and experiencing.
There were 7 people, I was the center one, the other 6 were the people I had been feeling in my body all day, and as we talked over the cards I could feel which person was what spot in my body. At the end of the reading I realized that it was my birth family recreated, that each role I could relate to parents or siblings in childhood, but also to the current and recent past. It seems to this day, I love them all and just wish they got along because I love them.
My intuitive flash was that I just need to focus on the positive elements of each of the 6 roles. That they keep re-manifesting because I need to focus and put all the positives together. Yet at the same time understanding their roles in the first place to let them off the hook. They are not responsible for my happiness. I can love them without needing them to keep reappearing in my life. They only need be in my life if they want to be.
1) There’s the mature man with finances to spare, but emotions are upside down because his world was turned upside down. I still love him and hope he sees that. He was kind and soft spoken. He was commanding not because of force or volume, but because everyone knew when he spoke he had something important to contribute. He was strong and lean and healthy and easy going. He was gentle but passionate. He gave excellent back rubs and was one of the best computer programmers I knew. He had adorable wavy hair I always wanted to play with, and cute glasses. He was focused and driven with regards to his work. He was generous and loving and a good friend to everyone around him. He was super smart but also down to earth and could talk to anyone. He will always have my heart, no matter what.
2) There’s the shooting for the stars man. More mature than anyone gives credit, but because he’s shooting for the stars might be a bit overconfident in his own abilities, it makes for good learning lessons. He has stable finances, but grand ideas on how to manage them, which occasionally comes off as a bit ungrounded, but to me that’s endearing/cute. He’s also strong and passionate, and can be gentle when he wants. He’s a gentlemen when he focuses and is mindful of his touch and affect on people. He senses energy like me and wants to do the right thing, but doesn’t know how to respond when the energy is more intense than expected (I also think he’s figuring it out as he goes- just like me). He knows how to have fun and is kind to everyone. He is far more open and accepting than anyone will ever give him credit and I suspect he feels pigeonholed. He wants to be accepted for who he is as much as I do, and also has big dreams of helping people in grand ways. He’s handsome to me, especially in moments of kindness, and I appreciate that he wants to have his act together, not just look like it. I also appreciate that he has goals of fighting the good fight and being faithful in every sense of the word. He is very capable and optimistic and carefully contemplates consequences before taking action. He trusts his gut and follows his instincts well. He’s often intense, but a very deep thinker that no one notices. He’s good at whatever he desires to put his efforts into. I will love him whether he ever loves me or not. He is a good person at heart.
3) There’s the woman I’ll call my angel with broken wings. She parallels my mom, and I’ve already had this role refilled a couple of times. Overlooking victim mentality, she’s beautiful and kind. She is flexible and able to go with the flow. She’s often more solution oriented because of the problems she has faced. She is usually strong and always wants to be loved, just has a hard time seeing/receiving it. She’s a wonderful mom and intent on helping others avoid traumas she faced. She brings out the helper and healer in me. She wants everyone to feel good and feel loved. She’s a great cook and very organized. She wants to put people at ease and save them from hurts. She wants to help make the world a more beautiful place. She is sincere and good at making you feel like the center of the universe when she focuses. She’ll literally pick you up when you fall, even if it hurts herself in the process. She deserves someone that can get through her defences and give her the same in return. She’ll have my heart forever even though she never noticed she got it in the first place.
4) Mr honesty (Nathan and one of my brothers). So honest that he can’t even slant the story to make it sound better. Yet very loving and strong. He wants to be there for you as much as possible but knows his own limitations and downfalls. He is easily distracted by all that glitters as gold, but has a keen sense of what is genuine and worth keeping. His heart is true and faithful. He is more likely to let his health suffer than to avoid work or being there for his chosen family. Once he’s committed he’s all in, and for the duration of his life. He is very creative and able to solve many problems, and confident in those few things that he has taken great care to master. He is a kind and patient father and good husband. A little patience goes a long ways for seeing things through with him. He has my heart and knows it, but because he knows it, he is confident in allowing me to be me in whatever way that means, and is ready to give me a hug if I fall and hurt myself.
5) Intensely connected. He is real, and I’ve heard his voice, he’s not dead. We share the same energy stream so intensely that emotions ping pong off each other. Every emotion flows so easily through the ethers that I feel like I know him a thousand ways, and a thousand lifetimes over. He’s curious and passionate, a hard worker and with highly admirable lofty dreams of helping whole families. He’s intelligent and multilingual. He’s an engineer like my dad and one brother. He’s a dreamer like me but a bit more practical in application. Adorable, charming, open and accepting. He wants everyone to be happy and get along, and like me wants everyone to feel the loving connection. He’s willing to work on himself and keep improving. He won my heart years ago, and knows it, but doesn’t know why. I would love to explore why, but know I will find my happiness even if that doesn’t happen.
6) Known unknown, this slot is representative of my younger sibling and also the person whom is connected to Mr Intensely Connected (as felt during the reading-left side of my heart), the cards that came out could also apply to a couple of other people I’ve known. I feel them and care deeply, but there is a lot I don’t know about them. I know by virtue of being in my bubble (my little brother being family) they are innately a good person. You don’t get years of association with good people, being raised by good people, and turn out to be that nasty. Yet, I’ve not had the luxury to fully see the way life has moulded their being into strengths and weaknesses. I get a sense that they lean toward scientific minded and chalk many things up to chance. I know my brother is honest and genuine and doing his best to leave a positive mark on this world also, so I like to think the others are similar. Honorable and relatively easy going, but compassionate even when not necessarily on the path of least resistance. The kind of person in search of their truths and able to examine things more objectively than most.
Those were the 6 people of the reading, the types that I keep re-attracting, and feeling in my body. It made sense to me. Why I was feeling them for nearly 2 days straight I’m not sure. All I know is I was being told to only focus on their good traits and let them off the hook.
So if you know you’re one of those people and you read my blog to keep up with me, I release you. I let you go. You’re not responsible for my well-being or my happiness. I only want you in my life if you want to be, but especially enough wanting to ease into finding a way to coexist with anyone else in my experience. I know I can’t make people get along, and I know that others are not responsible for my happiness. I’m willing to allow others to come and go as they need and I’m willing for others to display their affection or lack thereof in whatever ways they see fit. I am willing to let God take over the connections and help me to have my best life. I am willing to give love unconditionally because that is what God wants of me. I am willing to let go and let God.
I have experienced a knowing this week, through the help of changing energies and my finger tips. A knowing so deep that words fail, but which will last in my memory until my dieing day. A knowing simply of letting go of control can actually help things work better. It started with feeling the others, with feeling clients, continued with telling cells they can take the day off and relax, with visualizing warm sun on skin to enable relaxation, and ended with a long awaited phone call. I like this new knowing and I’m very grateful for the understanding.
May you all find a way to let go and let God. May you give your cells, your whole body, a break- let them release each other and feel sensations of things they miss. May you feel unconditional love and a knowing of your connection to God. May you understand why you keep repeating elements of your life. May you find a way to give control back to the divine. May you see all of the benefits of that in your life. May you feel blessed and divinely guided.
Like Dora says, “yea we did it!” And I feel very satisfied now.
Since my last update post a lot has happened.
New Year’s Day was spectacular weather, we spent part of the day outside with the kids and dog. It was great to be outside in just sweatshirts on the first day of the year. I was very grateful for that contrast to last year’s New Year weather. Buddy isn’t allowed to go outside, so he just stood at the door looking longingly outside 😆!
The rest of the day was spent inside watching the Rose Parade on YouTube and munching on a smorgasbord of: black eyed peas and collard greens, raw veggies, hummus, homemade vegan ranch dip, and homemade vegan french onion dip, sweet potato chips and of course some chocolate. I totally over-ate justifying it because all the items were healthy. My stomach reminded me the next day that too much of anything is a bad thing.
Then the 2nd day of January began in chaos.
I needed to go back to work, but was off a bit from my over eating escapade. Anya was off on an extended-family cruise from her mom’s side, so we needed to take littles with us. In the midst of the already extra-work morning routine, Nathan got a phone call that his Uncle had passed. That was upsetting to him because he’d just talked to that uncle on Christmas Day. He needed to call his parents to let them know, so I drove.
Probably because of my state of being, but also the holiday schedule changes, I went to the wrong work location on my first try and ended up at the correct location 5 min late. I gave the appropriate 30 min light swedish massage to the correct person. Just after my resident got up from the massage, he asked me a question. I proceeded to answer him, but noticed his demeanor had changed. He was in what seemed like a mild seizure to me. Being unaware of any history of seizures, I immediately sought staff assistance. By the time an aid responded, less than two minutes later he was not responding. The nurse was called, and by the time they were checking vitals and calling paramedics, he was in full “code”- he had stopped breathing. I helped the nurse and aid lower him from the chair to the floor and CPR was started. Paramedics were there within 5 and took over. I was asked details of what happened and they rushed him to the hospital.
I suspect he had a stroke, and if he survives it will be because of my immediate response and fast coordination with staff. Regardless I won’t know anything for a while. All I could do was proceed with my day, which was now 10 min late. I sent prayers for my resident every time he came to mind, and literally flew through my day staying 10 min late the whole way.
That is until leaving for for my final obligation of the day. Closing appointment for our home. We actually ended up being there 10 minutes early.
I was excited because it had been delayed twice, but also hesitant because it had been delayed twice.
Everything went okay though and we walked out with a key to our new home.
We had a celebratory meal and then stopped at our new home to make sure the key worked and we could get in. Also, to check what needed to happen before moving. It does need cleaned and we always smudge first. Plus I’m insistant that new door knobs and security is addressed before actually moving in. So those are on today’s to do list for Nathan.
I’m so very excited for our new home. It is not a perfect home having been built in the 60’s, but all the things that matter most are in good to excellent condition. I’m looking forward to the changes we talked about before even making an offer, and I’m so glad I’ll be able to make a pretty yard and have a true home office for working with some of my clients. It is definitely a step in the right direction.
I will leave you with a few pictures of the house that were taken before the previous owner fully moved out. For anyone that might have dubious intentions, I’ll point out there is no geo-tagging on these pictures and the house number was taken down when pictures were taken. Also, this lovely home looks like probably 20,000 others within the multiple cities of the KC metro, so you’d have to do quite a bit of advanced intellectual legwork to find it, not impossible but definitely difficult at best.
May you have chaos free days and clients in good health. May you have happy New Year’s and positive results. May you find the home you seek and make it your own. May you have progress and real happy endings. May you be surrounded by helpful and loving people. May you have all the love and support you need.
It’s not my home, and at the moment I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to attempt to make it become so, but this place is so beautiful. It makes me know that my dream of Atira is possible, and though I am in mountains near the ocean, is not the same mountains I’ve seen in my dreams of Atira.
Our cabin is so far out and so far down in a valley that even the new cell tower a mountain over is not providing any more than spotty service. My phone will only do calls and texts without WiFi. The main Lodge does have WiFi available now which wasn’t available in previous years, but it’s unsecured and at certain times of the day everyone wants to partake in it.
I have not minded any of that inconvenience because it’s so beautiful here. It also helps that our “cabin” is as spacious as our actual home in KC, just formatted differently.
We went to Acadia NP on Tuesday and I hiked for hours stopping to let kids play on Sand Beach. I think we covered about 1.25 miles of coastline out and back, but there was abundant rock climbing to be had, so I’m sure my steps were more like 4 miles, maybe more. We made it to Thunder Hole from Sand Beach before my shoulder and back started screaming from having been wearing both Katherine and a backpack full of diapers and snacks. We decided to call it quits on walking/hiking but returned to our van and made several more stops for viewing pleasure. By the end of the day I’d gotten a significant sunburn that was mildly uncomfortable, so I spent that evening coating myself in lavender and aloe to heal it up.
The teens went with my brother and his wife on an epic 4 mountain hike, covering over 5 miles of trails and taking nearly 6 hours. Anya said she loved the views, but it was a bit much for her, and was nearly in tears asking if she could have just a little Beach time before we drove away. We took her to otter cove just as the tide was coming in and she was happy as clam.
I told her we’d head back at least once before our vacation was up and she was much relieved.
That is today. We’re due to pull out in an hour or 2 to go ride the Margaret Todd ship and explore Bar Harbor which apparently also has a beautiful sandy beach to walk on. My brother explained at low tide the beach connects to a small island with waking trails. I’m so looking forward to it.
My brother’s wife explained that you can’t see it all in one trip, they’ve been coming here for one week of every summer for 7 years and still haven’t done it all.
For now I’ll leave you with some pictures of Acadia and our cabin at the military campground in Great Pond. May you all have beautiful experiences that feel like home.
Cabin & surroundings:
Finally, after our busy couple of days, I enjoyed drinks and dinner with my family during a rain shower from the cabin screened in porch. I ate and drank too much that I shouldn’t have, so felt the aftermath this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night. Sunburn and all. Happiness.
P.S. I’ve felt my connection very strongly over the last couple of days, and hoping it means something super wonderful. May you all feel your connections of clarity and bliss.