Tag Archives: fight for God

My view of Covid

I have been told by Nathan to write about the symptom view of Covid because he swears I have given him a better understanding of how to fight it off and get better. This is that post, and it might end up being long, so I apologize for that.

Covid has all of the physiological symptoms that the news has discussed. However, there is one major symptom that no one has addressed, yet I have watched it in my clients, my friends, my family and myself. It is the main factor that makes me believe it is a chronic infection like my Epstein-Barr battle, essentially becoming a low grade background issue until it wins enough to flare again. It is also the main reason I distrust the system to produce any real results, because if this is happening to those I am connected to, and myself, it is also happening to all medical professionals that caught it early on. It makes it hard to survive let alone fix the problem in a permanent way.

What the hell am I talking about?

Covid has a mental health effect, which seems energetic until it is already winning.

That darkness that I have referenced lately is a part of the disease. It is why I have gotten so focused on prayer and all the positives I know exist. It is also why even though I need to let out the negatives to be able to move past them, I am wary of going into detail knowing my brain is playing tricks on me. I want to be wrong about anything negative, I honestly hope every negative ‘premonition’ I’ve had is false.

Keep in mind any disease wants to live as much as you do. It doesn’t really want to kill you because it knows if the host dies it also does. However, if you get too well, it will also die. It wants you somewhere in the middle: alive but miserable. That is where it flourishes.

So to that end Covid copies your inner thoughts and dialogue enough to confuse you and cause you to distrust your own thoughts and intuition. It causes fear. It leads you to do whatever contributes to enabling disease. It makes you tired and makes you want to sleep as much as possible. It makes you want to eat unhealthy foods. It makes you want to not exercise. It makes you think you are too weak to do otherwise. It makes you want to do all the wrong things and convinces you that the good and fun things are too much effort. It maximizes every weakness that you have and uses them against you. It scares you, angers you, frustrates you and leaves you feeling like anything good or enjoyable isn’t worth the effort.

My mom was raised military, and fortunately raised me to have the awareness that sometimes you just have to. Sometimes, if you know it’s the right thing to do, you just have to make yourself do it. That sentiment has literally saved me battling this disease.

I’m going to give multiple examples from my viewpoint as well as Nathan’s and a few of my clients. (Sorry for the lengthiness.) I’ll mark the beginning of each with an asterisk to denote one example from another, in case the description takes multiple paragraphs.

*I was in the middle of a massage last week, trucking along great and feeling good. Suddenly I felt weak and tired, seemingly out of nowhere. I started repeating “I’m stronger than this, I have plenty of energy” after a few minutes of that the weakness subsided and I was back to full functioning.

* I knew I needed to get back into my exercise routine and forced myself to go. All the while my brain was trying to tell me I didn’t have time, I should be at home catching up chores, or making dinner. Then once I got to the gym, it was like the weakness returned. I felt like my body weighed tons and it was so much effort to just move. Again I kept repeating “I am stronger than this, I have more energy than this, this is not mine, I have endurance and I am healthy.” Eventually I felt the effects of the exercise kick in and the negatives stopped, my strength and endurance returned almost immediately at that point.

*When I had the negatives come up about someone I care for and suspecting suicide, I acknowledged it could be the same thing. That maybe it was creating a scenario to confuse me and cause fear. It was just close enough to my inner dialogue, and of dialogue when I do get genuine psychic messages, that I wasn’t sure. I literally began sending prayers of healing and it began to loose impact. Then I started repeating “Bring the light to the source of the darkness. Heal the darkness.” While visualizing a candle banishing a dark cloud like a scene from the show ‘Supernatural’. That combination enabled me to clear the other side and find my stability again.

*I had a moment where I knew I needed to do things to support the household but I just wanted to lay around. I had to convince myself to do the things that needed done and in gaps between things I chose to cuddle with my kids watching their shows, instead of sleeping the day away. I made myself find the compromise and keep moving and doing and it worked.

*I have had moments where I get super tired out of nowhere, or I’m tired when I first wake up. Those moments it simply doesn’t make sense at all and I know something is off. Every time that I recognize it, I’m able to talk myself back to feeling energized and we’ll rested.

If I don’t recognize those moments they snowball very fast and lead to crash moments where my emotions get the better of me. If I crash emotionally then almost every time I also begin to feel unwell. Fortunately once the sensations of being unwell kick in I know I missed an early battle and I fight twice as hard in every way (thoughts, foods, supplements, activities) to pull out of it.

* I have had massive cravings for things that were my last items to be eliminated due to addiction or denial. I crave chocolate and sweets and breads and all the carbs. I know that I am healthier without them, and feel much better without them. When I loose the battle and consume something like that, I notice in a big way that the negative loop gets even stronger and even harder to fight. Yet when I manage to talk myself out of them I feel great. When I go several days without them I feel so much clearer and more focused and like I am able to stay in front of the symptoms better.

*Long periods of rain have been a trigger for these thoughts and a general feeling of unwell. This year has been particularly rainy for the Kansas City area, having had well over 20 inches of rainfall. I noticed every time it rained for more than 3 days I would be fighting harder and longer to kick the negatives and mildly sick feelings. Initially I thought it was my mold allergy, and chalked it up as such for quite a while. Yet the last time we had such a rainy streak the mold count had dropped due to prior heat and I was still facing symptoms. I now sincerely feel like it is the negative loop of Covid preying on my dislike of prolonged rainy weather, especially since it doesn’t happen when it is short lived rain. I have no dislike for intermittent rain storms because I know they help plants grow. Short periods of rain are not a weakness for me.

* I have had many moments where in a gap of available time, I was faced with the reality that I needed to do one of several things and indecision hit me. In those moments I would acknowledge that the indecision was going to mean I didn’t accomplish any of them. Once I realized that, I would pick the easiest thing to do, and especially if it would accomplish a moment of self-care for me. Once I started the activity of choice I would begin to feel relief in more ways than just what that activity accomplished normally.

* I explained this a week or two ago, but when Nathan was sick and sleeping every day away, I hit a moment with him where I kinda verbally kicked him in the ass. I told him that if he didn’t start making himself do things and eat that he would just waste away and die. My conversation with him was the nudge he needed and he began to slowly improve. He made himself do what I said and it worked.

* Nathan has admitted that photography, his love and joy that started in highschool, has been a challenge because his brain has been trying to convince him it isn’t worth the time and effort. He can expound on that himself, but I’ve noticed it isn’t just the photography, is all the things he once enjoyed.

* Nathan has talked about his walks and how on one hand he knows it will help and that he has regained enough strength to do so, but on the other hand he feels weak and powerless. He says he has to talk himself through every step, and push himself just a bit more each time. Yet they are beginning to enable him to get back to normal and they are even helping his blood pressure normalize.

*My one client that has really bad long-haulers because he had Covid before and after being vaccinated, has told me similar things about wanting to sleep all the time and having to talk himself into getting up and doing things. He has also commented that everything seems futile and like he doesn’t know why he is here still. He had a minor work injury recently and commented that his brain tried to turn it into something much worse, he literally had to convince himself to take care of the bruises and get care for himself. It was a challenge to just function and process the incident. He has also commented on a lack of desire to even go to work, but knows he has to, so he talks himself into that daily as well.

*Another client that has had Covid is nearing retirement and she has to convince herself daily to keep doing her job and stay on the plan she laid out for herself several years ago. She fights a desire to just sell her house early and run away to some distant place to retire and lay around doing nothing. She says that isn’t her, even once she retires she had a huge plan to travel and see places she’s never been. She still wants that, but every day seems to be more and more challenging to stay on track. She’s constant having to work at making it okay.

So because of all of those examples, which really is the top of a huge iceberg of things I’ve noted and discussed with people, I have come to my understanding which makes the law of attraction push and Abraham’s constant nudging make sense.

I generally feel like every time I have a moment of my own weakness or my own dislike of something, Covid uses it as launching ground to regain a foothold on my mental health. If I don’t compensate quick enough and do something right and good and/or enjoyable then Covid tries to regain strength and reflare. That being said I have only had one instance of true full reflare with the Delta variant that didn’t show on testing, and it only managed to give me that 2 week sinus infection. I feel like I have mostly managed to keep it at bay and keep control of it, but my goal is to eliminate it all together. I am perfectly okay with pulling up high enough that it dies. To that end I simply know I must think my way out of every weakness I carry. I must logic myself out of fear, anger, frustration and every other negative that impacts me as frequently as possible. I must connect to my inner being and feel the difference between my inner knowing and that darkness of untruth as much as possible. That is how I stay ahead of it and it is how I feel better and find healing. It was the path before COVID-19, but now it is imperative to stick to it every moment of every day, because it is the battle ground where Covid easily overtakes your mind and creates more dis-ease and disease.

Abraham and others have been harping on that concept for years now, and it all makes sense now. The other side saw this coming and tried to warn us and give us the tools. If you know the tools then you better be using them, it’s your chance at survival and your chance to thrive. If you don’t know the tools, then you better learn them quick. Anyone that doesn’t keep up will eventually perish, this is a wicked disease that will eat you from the inside out because of your weaknesses and negative patterns. You must heal yourself, medicine cannot do it for you when this mental space is the driving force.

May you know your weaknesses and overcome them. May you understand the patterns of disease. May you see exactly how to heal yourself for certain. May you have evidence that you are on the right track and winning the war. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Courage

I’m sharing this particular version of the music video for the lyric edits and the statement she is making with her costuming and stage presence. It resonated with me strongly, but I also love the more common version used in movie/theatrical productions.

The reason I am sharing it is weird and complex.

Yesterday, after having listened to it dozens of times, I heard the notes from my childhood. Those keyboard notes I played for my mom over and over again asking her if she knew what song they came from. I just knew I had heard them before. My mom would get sick of hearing them and send me to my room so that the sound was more muffled. She could ignore me easier.

Now I have heard them again from another source. They are the notes of the line: “you’re not alone in all this, you’re not alone I promise”.

I’m not a music historian and I never did figure out where I had heard those notes, so I have no idea if they appear in other music with a slightly different rhythm or anything. But now I have heard them from SIA.

Between the meaning of the lyrics, and the realization I may have ‘heard’ the song 34 years before it existed, I cried.

It doesn’t help that I keep playing the song to give myself strength.

My family is not well. The battle I have been working on, and picking apart, for myself for over 7 years (it started before I got pregnant with Ian and he’s going to turn 7 in 2 months) is taking a drastic toll on my family.

I mentioned before that I was certain, since I discovered the root cause, it was likely the reason all of us have struggled for decades: EBV- Epstein Barr Virus.

I mentioned after my trip to CT that I found out mom was ignoring significant symptoms, my brother had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and dad has been slowly dieing for almost a year now.

Well, a call from my mom recently, after my brother cleared surgery, filled me in. She explained he cleared surgery and they had removed 9 lymph nodes with his thyroid. All 9 tested positive for cancer, but he is optimistic and radiation starts in a month.

The knowing has been part of my struggle this week, and the reason I’m propping myself up with music.

I’m scared for my brother. I’m scared for myself. We are too young to deserve this.

And it’s because Western medicine blew off a virus for decades, almost a century, as not being worth their time to solve. Before or after they knew how much damage it could do, and people still regularly catch Mono.

I am literally fighting a loosing battle, that an institution with more resources than I can imagine, wrote off as unnecessary.

The anger in me is massive and I am doing everything in my power to shake it off and keep rising my vibration, it’s my only hope.

I will keep doing what I can and have been doing. Hopefully I will find success where my family didn’t, simply because their doctors never bothered to search for a root cause.

I will keep sending prayers for my brother and his family. For everyone I know that is struggling with their health. For the world, because we have a new EBV in Covid, medicine just wants to document and occasionally treat symptoms as needed. I sincerely hope that 80 years from now there is an entirely different outcome for Covid, but my inner gut feeling tells me otherwise. I believe we are all going to need prayers to get through the long-term ramifications of 2020. So prayers I send.

May you never know the fear of dieing before you are ready. May you always have a healthy and joyful life. May you enjoy your days to the fullest and have hope for your offspring. May you see the resources available and be able to utilize them for self-healing. May you find the health you seek and maintain your alignment with God. May you know your purpose here in this world and may you leave this world a better place. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Live or Give In.

Sadhguru has been telling people for a long time to do what you love, that it is vital to life. Others have echoed that in different words, and Abraham Hicks’ entire message is essentially that.

Today I had the sense of that dark destructive force trying to drown me, and I was finally able to pull up by focusing on the fact that I was helping people, so much so that I had yet another referral on my table.

I got a clear picture that having slipped into thoughts of unwanted was literally draining my life force. Focusing on my accomplishment enabled me to draw my lifeforce back. It was the gate to giving myself energy to keep going, then I was able to focus on feeling better and more healing.

I went through a moment of anger over the darkness and how dare it do that, but ultimately that is still giving some of my power away- more letting it be taken from me.

I then thought of several in my life struggling to live. Some of them are going through very difficult challenges and have slipped so far that they are physically incapable of doing things they love. Others are doing their best to keep going.

I had a keen sense that if they have already lost the ability to do things they enjoy and love, then it would be easier on them to just give in and let go. It would starve the darkness of their input.

But those of us that can still participate and do things we love, must step up our game.

We almost have to exhaust ourselves doing all the things we enjoy to get through this time period. We are in the middle of a massive shift and the divine is doing it’s best to ensure those of us that live have something to live for. But we have to be equally invested in that change to make it through.

Doing things you enjoy and love, helps life force flow through your body. That life force will not just keep you living, it will also heal you from everything, given a proper chance. It is literally vital to keep reaching and doing everything that brings you positive feelings. If you don’t reach for better enough, IT will eventually drag you under.

I know that I personally want to live, so my focus is renewed and I will simply refuse to keep doing anything that drags me down. I am determined to heal myself and my family.

As for those that have already passed the point of no return, and you can’t participate and do things anymore, I’m sorry. I know it is scary because I’m fighting myself, my husband is fighting too. But if you know you’ve already lost the battle, then at least be kind enough to yourself to let go completely. It will ease your experience and help God to starve the darkness.

Just let go.

May you know for certain which side of the fence you are on. May you be able to reach for better either way. May you have reasons to live and participate in life and may you find all of them extremely revitalizing. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti