Tag Archives: fight for good

Courage

I’m sharing this particular version of the music video for the lyric edits and the statement she is making with her costuming and stage presence. It resonated with me strongly, but I also love the more common version used in movie/theatrical productions.

The reason I am sharing it is weird and complex.

Yesterday, after having listened to it dozens of times, I heard the notes from my childhood. Those keyboard notes I played for my mom over and over again asking her if she knew what song they came from. I just knew I had heard them before. My mom would get sick of hearing them and send me to my room so that the sound was more muffled. She could ignore me easier.

Now I have heard them again from another source. They are the notes of the line: “you’re not alone in all this, you’re not alone I promise”.

I’m not a music historian and I never did figure out where I had heard those notes, so I have no idea if they appear in other music with a slightly different rhythm or anything. But now I have heard them from SIA.

Between the meaning of the lyrics, and the realization I may have ‘heard’ the song 34 years before it existed, I cried.

It doesn’t help that I keep playing the song to give myself strength.

My family is not well. The battle I have been working on, and picking apart, for myself for over 7 years (it started before I got pregnant with Ian and he’s going to turn 7 in 2 months) is taking a drastic toll on my family.

I mentioned before that I was certain, since I discovered the root cause, it was likely the reason all of us have struggled for decades: EBV- Epstein Barr Virus.

I mentioned after my trip to CT that I found out mom was ignoring significant symptoms, my brother had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and dad has been slowly dieing for almost a year now.

Well, a call from my mom recently, after my brother cleared surgery, filled me in. She explained he cleared surgery and they had removed 9 lymph nodes with his thyroid. All 9 tested positive for cancer, but he is optimistic and radiation starts in a month.

The knowing has been part of my struggle this week, and the reason I’m propping myself up with music.

I’m scared for my brother. I’m scared for myself. We are too young to deserve this.

And it’s because Western medicine blew off a virus for decades, almost a century, as not being worth their time to solve. Before or after they knew how much damage it could do, and people still regularly catch Mono.

I am literally fighting a loosing battle, that an institution with more resources than I can imagine, wrote off as unnecessary.

The anger in me is massive and I am doing everything in my power to shake it off and keep rising my vibration, it’s my only hope.

I will keep doing what I can and have been doing. Hopefully I will find success where my family didn’t, simply because their doctors never bothered to search for a root cause.

I will keep sending prayers for my brother and his family. For everyone I know that is struggling with their health. For the world, because we have a new EBV in Covid, medicine just wants to document and occasionally treat symptoms as needed. I sincerely hope that 80 years from now there is an entirely different outcome for Covid, but my inner gut feeling tells me otherwise. I believe we are all going to need prayers to get through the long-term ramifications of 2020. So prayers I send.

May you never know the fear of dieing before you are ready. May you always have a healthy and joyful life. May you enjoy your days to the fullest and have hope for your offspring. May you see the resources available and be able to utilize them for self-healing. May you find the health you seek and maintain your alignment with God. May you know your purpose here in this world and may you leave this world a better place. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

It’s all F.U.B.A.R.

After work I came home and crashed sleeping until dinner was ready. When Nathan woke me for dinner I was shivering so intently that we took my temperature: 98.4°. I took a lonely sad selfie before dragging myself to dinner. Dinner helped some, but did not solve my state of being.

I am worried and frustrated over my anamolous symptoms: fluctuating recurring severe fatigue, dizziness, pressure in my throat, sometimes pressure in my chest or other weird sensations, feeling like I’m running a fever without it registering on thermometers, and those damned negative thoughts I chase away like fighting off the Banshee.

Yet I am not alone.

One of my clients today shared almost the same exact list, and both of us had a significant upswing in them starting yesterday. Enough that we had both reached out to doctors seeing if we could get in, but not enough that either of us desired to do the urgent care or ER thing. We both had expensive ER fails in the past, costly visits that led to no actual help.

She reminded me that the full moon started yesterday. If that is the cause of the uptake in symptoms then I have another 24 hours to ride out until improvement. But the last 24 hours has only been worse than previous, they were present before that to a lesser degree and more infrequent.

WTF!

My conversation with her covered all the possibilities and we talked about Divine Masculine/Feminine and things we had been aware of. I told her of some of my psychic pings during the bouts of exhaustion. We talked about things we shared in our own histories: of not being enough and carrying the load for many. We acknowledged that we are not alone, many women of our generation have faced huge obstacles, one after another in rapid repitition, and yet we’re all still standing, albeit fighting Dis-ease and doing our best to heal under less than ideal circumstances. Yet it’s not just women, much of America is in the same boat, but some get to ride it out easy and others of us trudge on working just as hard as ever, all because of a fucked up system. It’s all just too much and many of us deserve better and we especially deserve the elusive healing we seek.

Somehow it is all connected, and though the conversation was very revealing, I’m in such a state that I’m having difficulty recalling details enough to convey the overlieing message. There is a message and one that leaves me angry and feeling a sense of futility, but I know there must be a solution. We deserve better.

I have contemplated running away to a monestary to find my healing, but I had to acknowledge they are all run by the same types of individuals that caused all the damages. Every last religion has an old male as their leader, and none of them, to this day, fully understand women, the challenges we have faced and continue to face, and the resulting damages. The best of them come close, but none get it fully. It leaves me shaking my head in dismay, all these men think they have the answers for us when they don’t even fully understand us. They ALWAYS tell us were doing something wrong, or we need to do it more, better, longer, this way or that way, on this day or not on that day. They test us and see how strong or capable we are, but never acknowledge we’ve passed their tests, and never reward us for the many jobs well done.

Where is the acknowledgement of all we have accomplished, even and especially when all efforts were to keep us down in our place? Where was the divine in righting wrongs? Where was god when we began acknowledging that our efforts were falling short of the healing we desperately need? Where was anyone when we cried for help, to dust ourselves off and keep moving, still reaching for better?

Maybe just maybe we were never doing it wrong to begin with and that is the biggest problem and the root of dis-ease. Maybe we were doing what we needed to do from the start, and masculine was too afraid that they were wrong, to just let us BE. When will the scales balance again? When will masculine own their shit and feminine find the healing we have been seeking for decades?

As for myself, I simply hope that I don’t pass out  at work tomorrow, knowing I came awfully close twice today. I will keep reaching and doing everything in my power to kick the negative out and allow the healing in. It’s all I’ve got to make it through each day right now, and I do want to see my children grow up and find their own healing.

May you know the message that is being conveyed. May you find your healing and be acknowledged for all that you have survived. May you find ways to see the things that are working and cling to them with every fibre of your being. May you know that you are loved and supported by the divine. May the divine cheer us all on to greater healing and understanding.

Om Shanti

Mission Driven

They other gentleman at the business meeting at Starbucks was Scott, the owner of MissionDriven Goods.

I learned a lot from their business meeting, and I’m still grateful for the breath of fresh air, brought by the knowing there’s still some good in humanity.

I donated to both of them directly using my tips from my day’s work. Perhaps you might find their products useful in your life and find a way to donate that way.

MissionDrivenGoods.com

May you find faith in humanity and your reason for being in this world. May you find ways to be helpful even when facing your own challenges. May you see a reason for everything.

Om Shanti