Tag Archives: fighting depression

Catching Up: 2

Anything can be comical.

It’s all in how you see it.

I felt I need to use my bought of suicidal depression this week as fodder to find humor and also some self-appreciation. It was an inspired ‘for instance’ moment:

You can view my suicidal depression from the standpoint of that really sucks. That I’ve lived with cronic severe depression since I was 12, and didn’t fully grasp how to climb out quickly for years. It ravaged my life on so many levels it’s hard to even put words to. I lost days, weeks and entire swaths of years to crippling depression; and knowing now that it had a medical cause based on layers of organ malfunction and chronic viral disease, it can be maddening to think about how my life might have gone if it had been properly diagnosed and fully treated starting when I was 12. It still is maddening, knowing that so much damage was done, that it takes extra special levels of self-care and uncovered alternative treatments to attempt to solve it now. Something that I struggle to accomplish being a responsible member of society.

BUT

Then I think about how many times I’ve seriously weighed pros and cons of tool options for suicidal execution, and thus how likely I might be successful…. Is there a Guinness record for that? I think I’ve won it! Perhaps if there’s not, I should petition them to make it a category. Except who actually keeps track of that shit?! Don’t you have to prove quantities? Well I guess that’s out of the question. … However, I’ve also oogled pretty flowers and funny cat videos probably just as many times. Somehow that scale keeps balancing! I wonder what the actual ratio of depression-thoughts to YouTube-distraction and nature is? Hmmm…. Visualizing scales of justice… Dark cloud on one side and fluffy things on the other. That’s a lot of fluff!

And oh it gets better:


Just think how many times I’ve actually gotten really close to said execution. On one hand, holy shit! It seriously takes a while to count/remember them all! On the other hand, I’ve now proven you can go back and forth across that line many times and still be standing. I have danced with death and walked away from it. I bent, kissed his hand and said adiu, maybe another day, there are other dances I still want to experience. I’ve proven it can be done, not just once, but several times. This last one was more like and old man’s shaky punch to the face, but I got my point across! Hoorah! KMA!

Or then consider: I’ve danced with death so much that I can just see the darkness coming a mile away now. I can half predict the collective’s trajectoiry because of it. It makes for really interesting rants in my effort to wake people up in time. I know I’m not catching very many in the grand scheme, but perhaps my drop will matter, will become the ripple. Especially with Med/Vax fails probably being signs of the industries’ impending doom. Wonder what all those doctors will do when no one trusts their profession anymore, least not enough to pay a living wage. That’s Dr. Fry Boy to you. One Covid-gone-worse is all it’ll take for western medicine to crumble completely, especially if it happens anytime soon while this burn is still stinging. I’m not putting my eggs in that basket any more than absolutely necessary, they hold keys to my tools, and if I can eliminate the need for those keys, I’d be doing even better. It’s like a string of lemmings heading for the cliff, you know what’s coming and don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry over the fail. (To clarify I’m specifically referencing the big institutions and 3 big pharma that have screwed the pooch repeatedly during Covid. Though all those small docs that just row the line when it doesn’t make sense might as well be included, especially when they fall to do their own jobs properly.) BTW, if you haven’t watched “Grizzly & the Lemmings” available on netflix, or played the CD-Rom “Lemmings” game from the 90’s, then you should you get this humor better.

My point is, I have done what many have failed, not just once, but many times. I have courted death and walked away capable of being a responsible citizen. When I was 12 I never found the positives, I just managed to not die. Now that I’m an adult, it’s almost like world’s craziest roller-coaster… “Hi death, you wanna ride with me? No, okay, see you in a bit. … AHHHHHHHHH! 🙃 Weeeee! 😆 Yea! ðŸĪŠ Awe, the ride is over 😕…. wait a minute, if I go again I can avoid Death longer. Ride-tender, can I just stay on indefinitely?! No okay, at least one more and I can dodge him later. ðŸĨī”

I’m actually getting quite good at it. I’m not out of the hole completely, but considering that Sunday evening I was contemplating taking Nathan’s heart meds to not wake up in the morning, I’m doing quite spectacular in comparison. The only thing slowing me down at this point is that my biological processes need recuperation time. I’m definitely up enough to consider it another win, and finding the humor side of all of it does help significantly.

May you find the humor as relief for the worst moments of life. May you see the benefit of all of it. May you know you are capable and strong. May you find ways to laugh at your failures, and acknowledge your strength is in getting back up and trying again. May you understand that those moments are the evidence that you are doing it. There is no try, only do. May you see that everything teaches us valuable lessons to share with others so that they might escape the extreme difficulties. May you know you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Live or Give In.

Sadhguru has been telling people for a long time to do what you love, that it is vital to life. Others have echoed that in different words, and Abraham Hicks’ entire message is essentially that.

Today I had the sense of that dark destructive force trying to drown me, and I was finally able to pull up by focusing on the fact that I was helping people, so much so that I had yet another referral on my table.

I got a clear picture that having slipped into thoughts of unwanted was literally draining my life force. Focusing on my accomplishment enabled me to draw my lifeforce back. It was the gate to giving myself energy to keep going, then I was able to focus on feeling better and more healing.

I went through a moment of anger over the darkness and how dare it do that, but ultimately that is still giving some of my power away- more letting it be taken from me.

I then thought of several in my life struggling to live. Some of them are going through very difficult challenges and have slipped so far that they are physically incapable of doing things they love. Others are doing their best to keep going.

I had a keen sense that if they have already lost the ability to do things they enjoy and love, then it would be easier on them to just give in and let go. It would starve the darkness of their input.

But those of us that can still participate and do things we love, must step up our game.

We almost have to exhaust ourselves doing all the things we enjoy to get through this time period. We are in the middle of a massive shift and the divine is doing it’s best to ensure those of us that live have something to live for. But we have to be equally invested in that change to make it through.

Doing things you enjoy and love, helps life force flow through your body. That life force will not just keep you living, it will also heal you from everything, given a proper chance. It is literally vital to keep reaching and doing everything that brings you positive feelings. If you don’t reach for better enough, IT will eventually drag you under.

I know that I personally want to live, so my focus is renewed and I will simply refuse to keep doing anything that drags me down. I am determined to heal myself and my family.

As for those that have already passed the point of no return, and you can’t participate and do things anymore, I’m sorry. I know it is scary because I’m fighting myself, my husband is fighting too. But if you know you’ve already lost the battle, then at least be kind enough to yourself to let go completely. It will ease your experience and help God to starve the darkness.

Just let go.

May you know for certain which side of the fence you are on. May you be able to reach for better either way. May you have reasons to live and participate in life and may you find all of them extremely revitalizing. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Ding-Dong KO

Ok, so sometimes my addictions, turn into a Multi-player Mortal Kombat round. I’m just as proud of myself, if the worst one of the ‘enemies’ is the one knocked out, as I would be winning a duel.

Sometimes it really is about picking your battle, and knowing that if only one was knocked out, then at least I didn’t die, and I’ll make it another round.

I am doing a lot better than I used to, but my addictions win more often than I would like. It’s a battle I’ve been practicing at for over 7 years and I still loose occasionally, but the little voice of inspiration said that I make it look too easy, and I need everyone to know it’s not.

The text conversation at the beginning of this post, was from the middle of a 5 hour shift yesterday. I was working front desk and it was a little slower for a change. Usually not a bad thing, so I never complain when it’s slow. The one exception caused my message to Nathan, I didn’t say a word to other staff because of embarrassment.

I was feeling weak, and probably could have used help, but it might as well have been the conversation I had to have over a shotgun which I couldn’t get out of my mind. I simply couldn’t have that conversation, over goodies, and with people that don’t really care about me to begin with. They care that I show up, do my job, and when shit hits the fan that I can handle it. They simply don’t want to have a conversation about, “hey, can you hide the goodies from me, my brain is torturing me already, …please?”

So I didn’t say anything.

An hour in, I had already looked at the box of Ding-Dongs over a dozen times. The brand new unopened box of Godiva chocolates had almost had as many views, but because it was unopened I wasn’t certain it was for staff, and kept telling myself someone would come pick it up any minute.

At one point I got so flustered that I got up abruptly, and quickly walked to the mail room, forgetting there’s a camera in there. As soon as the black globe caught my periphery, I froze in blush. Quick thinking, I gestured like I was looking for something and left. Only problem was, I noticed the box of brittle, I’d forgotten about, on the mailroom counter as I turned to leave.

I stood in the empty hall trying to figure out what I was doing, why, and what I needed to do. On my way back to the desk seat, I grabbed my seaweed pack and consumed it crunchily instead.

I drank a full bottle of water.

I amused myself on my phone for a little bit.

Then I noticed one too many glances in the directions of goodies again. At that point, I was lone staff, because the other person was delivering day-sheets throughout the building.

I got up and paced the floor. I refilled my water bottle and glanced at the brittle again on my way past. I grabbed my celery and sat to eat it, not quite even having gotten to hour two yet. I thought ‘better not eat it all, just in case’.

It was a little limp for not having eaten my sticks for 3 days. I’m burnt out on celery and it’s lost any appeal it ever did have, even the peanut-butter is losing any appeal to my taste buds. I ate about 6 celery sticks, each dipped once in peanut-butter. That was more than enough. I closed lids and left it sitting right in front of me.

Approximately 30 minutes later, my text to Nathan (above) went out as I was losing my resolve. Almost 3 hours into my shift, the Ding-Dongs were looking far too tempting. How was I going to make it another two?

I decided if I couldn’t managed a TKO, then at least the worst option should go down in flames. Instead of: gluten, and red-40, and chocolate, and sugar, and chemicals (all things found in Ding-Dongs that are bad for my system); I chose to go for the least impact, especially since the Godiva box was unopened and questionable. So Brittle won, and Ding-Dongs and chocolate were knocked-out!

Me and brittle. Mmmmm.

When I went to retrieve a piece, I got a big chunk with two smaller ones stuck to it. I decided I’d eat the two small bits and save the big one for later.

As my last two hours ticked by it was: celery stick with pb, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle and so on. Every few minutes a nibble of something. I also worked on a non-vital computer task to distract myself.

It worked. I ended up eating only brittle beyond my regular celery and seaweed I take everyday.

In the ring we have Valentine Ding-Dongs, Godiva Assortiment, Apple Pie Peanut Brittle, and Treasa with her green shit. And let the fight begin! …. Oh Treasa is taking some hard hits there, but she stays standing every time. Oh, she’s fighting back, 1-2, oh, the right hook…. Now APPB has sided with her, oh my folks, who’s going to win this battle royale! … And the winning team is Treasa with greens and Apple Pie Brittle! …Crowd goes wild!…. Aaaaa!

Sorry for the corney ring-side joke, I grew up on things like that.

Anyway, my point is, I didn’t say anything to anyone except Nathan, and he even only got a couple of texts. But for me it was 5 hours of torture, mostly mental – granted, and a very strategic battle to overcome the worst damages of losing altogether. It’s hard to know what’s going on inside another person’s head, and it’s even harder when they have 20 years of experience hiding it. I’m not perfect at anything, but I highly doubt the other two people that worked via the front office yesterday, had any clue I was even having a mental battle, let alone that the two culprits to trigger it were within reach all day.

They were oblivious to my mental torture, because I’ve spent 20 years either fighting it silently, or withdrawing from the world. When I withdraw, I’ve either lost the battle and given in fully, or I sleep it off and hope I wake to less triggering things. I’m glad to report that these days, my withdrawal periods are few, fairly well distanced from one another, and short lived.

So if you’re struggling with an addiction, even if it is “just food”, know it’s hard. It sucks, and takes everything you’ve got to function as normal as possible, but it’s worth it. On one hand my addiction won’t kill me with one oopse (overdose), but it’s so many places in life that it’s super easy to get and often people readily supply the worst versions for me. I don’t even have to pay anything for mine to be triggered. And those people that say it’s just food… They have no clue the chemical storm that an addiction stirrs in your brain, regardless of what the trigger is. I would also add that known reactions to chemicals used in some foods, are indicative of some of the same known reactions to some recreational drugs. Sugar has been compared to hard drugs like cocaine in numerous studies on brain function. So, it may be just food, but it’s still very much an addiction.

It’s time that everyone get some slack for how hard we’re all working to overcome challenges, especially when many of us are very much addicted to “just food”. An addiction is hard no matter what “it” is. If you’re fighting at all then you deserve a damned medal.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself some love for it.

Also, find people you can confide in. I have my Nathan, but he gets tired of hearing of some the same things repeatedly, we all do. You need enough people to confide in that they don’t get sick of it, but don’t utilize having more options as a reason for complaining more. Keep in mind everything you talk about and focus on brings more of it, so if you focus on the battle too much you’ll just get more battle. So, regardless of my embarrassment, I still do my best to talk about my battles as little as possible, in an attempt to reduce their frequency. It is working, just very slowly.

Those of us fighting the good fight, we rock. Anyone that wants to put you down or belittle your efforts can take a hike or KMA. We are fighting addictions of a wide variety that didn’t exist 100 years ago. We have a bigger challenge than most in older generations would even consider. Appreciate your own efforts and thank your body every single day, that you have a chance to try again. Give your own self some love for all the things you survived, and apologize to every organ sincerely explaining your doing your level best with all the challenges that come your way.

Know it could be worse, there always something that’s worse. But also know that you are winning a tough battle and that makes you amazing.

May you triggers always be conveniently out of reach, literally or metaphorically. May you know you have loving support if you need it, and the ability to discern if it’s better to distract yourself and attempt to attract fewer battles. May you have confidence in your ability to overcome and succeed in all endeavors. May you love yourself for all that you have managed to accomplish. May you know you’re on the right track. May you know you are loved and supported by God in all that you do, and everything you need.

Om Shanti