Tag Archives: fighting depression

Scared of the dark.

This video reminded me of 2 things. My childhood fear of the dark, and my nearly lifelong battle with depression and disease.

I felt it was a really good metaphor for the latter. Sometimes shining a little light can sooth the emotions, but when that fails you just need to figure out why the darkness is there. It has a reason and once you know the reason it’s easier to see the light and the good in it.

May you never be afraid of the dark. May you always see the light. May you be understanding with yourself and others when learning to navigate the darkness. May you find ways to soothe every fear and find strength in your knowing. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Courage

I’m sharing this particular version of the music video for the lyric edits and the statement she is making with her costuming and stage presence. It resonated with me strongly, but I also love the more common version used in movie/theatrical productions.

The reason I am sharing it is weird and complex.

Yesterday, after having listened to it dozens of times, I heard the notes from my childhood. Those keyboard notes I played for my mom over and over again asking her if she knew what song they came from. I just knew I had heard them before. My mom would get sick of hearing them and send me to my room so that the sound was more muffled. She could ignore me easier.

Now I have heard them again from another source. They are the notes of the line: “you’re not alone in all this, you’re not alone I promise”.

I’m not a music historian and I never did figure out where I had heard those notes, so I have no idea if they appear in other music with a slightly different rhythm or anything. But now I have heard them from SIA.

Between the meaning of the lyrics, and the realization I may have ‘heard’ the song 34 years before it existed, I cried.

It doesn’t help that I keep playing the song to give myself strength.

My family is not well. The battle I have been working on, and picking apart, for myself for over 7 years (it started before I got pregnant with Ian and he’s going to turn 7 in 2 months) is taking a drastic toll on my family.

I mentioned before that I was certain, since I discovered the root cause, it was likely the reason all of us have struggled for decades: EBV- Epstein Barr Virus.

I mentioned after my trip to CT that I found out mom was ignoring significant symptoms, my brother had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and dad has been slowly dieing for almost a year now.

Well, a call from my mom recently, after my brother cleared surgery, filled me in. She explained he cleared surgery and they had removed 9 lymph nodes with his thyroid. All 9 tested positive for cancer, but he is optimistic and radiation starts in a month.

The knowing has been part of my struggle this week, and the reason I’m propping myself up with music.

I’m scared for my brother. I’m scared for myself. We are too young to deserve this.

And it’s because Western medicine blew off a virus for decades, almost a century, as not being worth their time to solve. Before or after they knew how much damage it could do, and people still regularly catch Mono.

I am literally fighting a loosing battle, that an institution with more resources than I can imagine, wrote off as unnecessary.

The anger in me is massive and I am doing everything in my power to shake it off and keep rising my vibration, it’s my only hope.

I will keep doing what I can and have been doing. Hopefully I will find success where my family didn’t, simply because their doctors never bothered to search for a root cause.

I will keep sending prayers for my brother and his family. For everyone I know that is struggling with their health. For the world, because we have a new EBV in Covid, medicine just wants to document and occasionally treat symptoms as needed. I sincerely hope that 80 years from now there is an entirely different outcome for Covid, but my inner gut feeling tells me otherwise. I believe we are all going to need prayers to get through the long-term ramifications of 2020. So prayers I send.

May you never know the fear of dieing before you are ready. May you always have a healthy and joyful life. May you enjoy your days to the fullest and have hope for your offspring. May you see the resources available and be able to utilize them for self-healing. May you find the health you seek and maintain your alignment with God. May you know your purpose here in this world and may you leave this world a better place. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Catching Up: 2

Anything can be comical.

It’s all in how you see it.

I felt I need to use my bought of suicidal depression this week as fodder to find humor and also some self-appreciation. It was an inspired ‘for instance’ moment:

You can view my suicidal depression from the standpoint of that really sucks. That I’ve lived with cronic severe depression since I was 12, and didn’t fully grasp how to climb out quickly for years. It ravaged my life on so many levels it’s hard to even put words to. I lost days, weeks and entire swaths of years to crippling depression; and knowing now that it had a medical cause based on layers of organ malfunction and chronic viral disease, it can be maddening to think about how my life might have gone if it had been properly diagnosed and fully treated starting when I was 12. It still is maddening, knowing that so much damage was done, that it takes extra special levels of self-care and uncovered alternative treatments to attempt to solve it now. Something that I struggle to accomplish being a responsible member of society.

BUT

Then I think about how many times I’ve seriously weighed pros and cons of tool options for suicidal execution, and thus how likely I might be successful…. Is there a Guinness record for that? I think I’ve won it! Perhaps if there’s not, I should petition them to make it a category. Except who actually keeps track of that shit?! Don’t you have to prove quantities? Well I guess that’s out of the question. … However, I’ve also oogled pretty flowers and funny cat videos probably just as many times. Somehow that scale keeps balancing! I wonder what the actual ratio of depression-thoughts to YouTube-distraction and nature is? Hmmm…. Visualizing scales of justice… Dark cloud on one side and fluffy things on the other. That’s a lot of fluff!

And oh it gets better:


Just think how many times I’ve actually gotten really close to said execution. On one hand, holy shit! It seriously takes a while to count/remember them all! On the other hand, I’ve now proven you can go back and forth across that line many times and still be standing. I have danced with death and walked away from it. I bent, kissed his hand and said adiu, maybe another day, there are other dances I still want to experience. I’ve proven it can be done, not just once, but several times. This last one was more like and old man’s shaky punch to the face, but I got my point across! Hoorah! KMA!

Or then consider: I’ve danced with death so much that I can just see the darkness coming a mile away now. I can half predict the collective’s trajectoiry because of it. It makes for really interesting rants in my effort to wake people up in time. I know I’m not catching very many in the grand scheme, but perhaps my drop will matter, will become the ripple. Especially with Med/Vax fails probably being signs of the industries’ impending doom. Wonder what all those doctors will do when no one trusts their profession anymore, least not enough to pay a living wage. That’s Dr. Fry Boy to you. One Covid-gone-worse is all it’ll take for western medicine to crumble completely, especially if it happens anytime soon while this burn is still stinging. I’m not putting my eggs in that basket any more than absolutely necessary, they hold keys to my tools, and if I can eliminate the need for those keys, I’d be doing even better. It’s like a string of lemmings heading for the cliff, you know what’s coming and don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry over the fail. (To clarify I’m specifically referencing the big institutions and 3 big pharma that have screwed the pooch repeatedly during Covid. Though all those small docs that just row the line when it doesn’t make sense might as well be included, especially when they fall to do their own jobs properly.) BTW, if you haven’t watched “Grizzly & the Lemmings” available on netflix, or played the CD-Rom “Lemmings” game from the 90’s, then you should you get this humor better.

My point is, I have done what many have failed, not just once, but many times. I have courted death and walked away capable of being a responsible citizen. When I was 12 I never found the positives, I just managed to not die. Now that I’m an adult, it’s almost like world’s craziest roller-coaster… “Hi death, you wanna ride with me? No, okay, see you in a bit. … AHHHHHHHHH! 🙃 Weeeee! 😆 Yea! ðŸĪŠ Awe, the ride is over 😕…. wait a minute, if I go again I can avoid Death longer. Ride-tender, can I just stay on indefinitely?! No okay, at least one more and I can dodge him later. ðŸĨī”

I’m actually getting quite good at it. I’m not out of the hole completely, but considering that Sunday evening I was contemplating taking Nathan’s heart meds to not wake up in the morning, I’m doing quite spectacular in comparison. The only thing slowing me down at this point is that my biological processes need recuperation time. I’m definitely up enough to consider it another win, and finding the humor side of all of it does help significantly.

May you find the humor as relief for the worst moments of life. May you see the benefit of all of it. May you know you are capable and strong. May you find ways to laugh at your failures, and acknowledge your strength is in getting back up and trying again. May you understand that those moments are the evidence that you are doing it. There is no try, only do. May you see that everything teaches us valuable lessons to share with others so that they might escape the extreme difficulties. May you know you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti