Tag Archives: find healing

Rawr

After my last post I was feeling really good.

Two hours later I was feeling strange. Having odd moments I couldn’t explain, and Nathan and my kids were too. He texted me asking if I was okay, something he does frequently when he feels like something is up. I replied that I felt strange and like something was happening. He replied that it was affecting the whole family and caused him anxiety and Ian a bit of a freak-out melt-down. A sense of our environment having odd shifty sensations was the key overlapping experience, like you were looking at something and it moved for just a second.

It didn’t subside, and that night I texted other staff I was thinking about not working the next day because the weird stuff was taxing me energetically.

That evening I had an episode of full body tremors/shivers with mid-back pain. I only slightly felt cold and no temperature registered on my digital thermometer, with my highest reading being 97.8°. I immediately thought of when Nathan’s kidney stuff was at it’s worst and freaked out screaming at thin air. I was livid that I’ve been doing everything right, and in that moment felt like I was dieing. I screamed myself hoarse.

Multiple text conversations later, I did decide to not work, and they said Nathan and I should get acupuncture and chiropractic. The acupuncturist had had similar oddities that day, but her list was shorter. They did ask me to find a COVID test one way or another.

An hour an half of scouring the intent I claimed the last test at a CVS, 20 miles from home. It was an end of the day time slot on Friday, so clinic treatments happened first. Nathan ended up having low blood pressure drops and passed out 3 times. I still felt strange. The acupuncture helped a lot, and chiropractic helped me move better, solving the residual mid-back pain.

We went home to wait for my test, and I was literally on the fence about working today (Sat). I only had the odd moments and sore throat from screaming, and Saturdays are 3 hours and done. I said I’d work it, before leaving to complete the test.

The test was a rapid response nose swab. It came back an hour later as positive. I texted everyone results and assumed time off work. At that point even my throat and voice were feeling better. I was miffed, but honored testing to take time off.

Now it’s the end of Saturday. My throat actually came back with a vengeance about 11am, and I’ve spent most of the day without a voice. My body temperature has actually been running near hypothermia at 94.4-96.4°, so I took an extra dose of thyroid meds and told Nathan I need calories I can swallow. Otherwise I feel no worse than any other head cold I’ve ever had.

I’m still angry because I have been doing everything right, and I actually feel worse 24 hours post test than pre-test.

I also went through a moment of angry at the teen. She has no symptoms and wanted to hide. I was told that I made a mistake in assuming it was because she thought it would spare her. Yet, after I pointed out that she’d already been exposed for probably several days, she begrudgingly came out of hiding to help with her siblings. I pointed out that she might already be immune, which would confirm my prior sentiments that we’ve already had COVID before. Regardless, whether she eventually shows symptoms or not, she was not going to spare exposure by hiding now, it was already too late for that. That is how viral infections work, they spread before you even know you have it, and by the time the weird symptoms set in, it was in full swing and she was definitely exposed then. It’s one of the most annoying elements of the last two years, and why 4 of 5 of us were impacted at the exact same time.

What I can’t figure out is how the acupuncturist had weird things happen at the same time. My family has been nowhere as a whole family in ages, and definitely not in conjunction with the acupuncturist. So there should have been at least a little bit of staggering of arrival of symptoms, weird or otherwise. Yet we were all impacted around 11am to noon on Thursday. That is just odd.

Anyway, Nathan got tested through his dialysis clinic, but results for him will take 3 days. We are charged with searching for a test for the teen. She has been instructed not to work until she can produce a negative result test. It’s a tall order to even find a test right now, and if she’s asymptomatic carrier, then she might have to test several times over to be able to return to work.

I just think it’s all a bunch of hogwash when the system doesn’t care about long-term effects, long-term damages, the possibility of chronic infections, or the fact that their precious failed to do anything. After my positive, Nathan read a Facebook post from a friend, whom has been as fully vaccinated as is possible with her last booster being less than a month ago and she’s sick with COVID too.

I’ll reiterate. Put up or shut up.

If the system isn’t really going to produce anything to truly fix this, then stop making everyone jump through rediculous hoops over and over, again and again. Definitely stop scaring everyone constantly because that’s not helping matters at all.

We don’t do any of this for the flu or any one of a number of other diseases that medicine failed to permanently solve (several of which they don’t even educate their own staff properly on). So why this one?

I’m not stupid. I’m not going back to work until I am 100%. I don’t with anything I catch. But just like the flu, by the time I was certain it was illness, it was too late, I’d already exposed people, masked and all. I’m not dumb, a paper mask may help but does not eliminate risk of transmission. I likely exposed at least a dozen clients, the entire staff, and a few people in stores before I showed a single odd moment. It is what it is.

And the higher and deeper this piles, the more I simply know it’s going to take a long term toll. I do believe in the divine, and whether this was man-made or not, the divine sure as hell isn’t stopping it. So I have to believe it is serving a purpose that God supports.

May you know you are here for a reason. May you understand that some things are not solveable, and your role and responsibility is to do the best you are able with the hand you are dealt. May you find the discomfort of illness tolerable, and find your way to full recovery and restored balance. May you heal yourself and your world one step at a time. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Continuation

I was in the middle of meditation when my inner self said I needed to share the words I’m using, and the experience of thier effects for me.

So here goes my best meditative post for the day.

I am here.
I am a miracle.
I am a miracle for having made it through this far.
I am a miracle because of my body and my brain, and their awe inspiring ability to heal.
I am a healer just by virtue of being alive.

I feel the light that those statements bring to my awareness, as a warm tingly sensation spreading through my body and brain. Then the light starts to produce pressure in certain areas. Those are the edges of where the flow is blocked, just like how a trigger point resists my touch.

Repeat. I am here.
I am a miracle.
My body is a miracle.
My brain is a miracle.
I am alive because of the miracle healing mechanisms in my body.
I made it through everything just by being me and choosing to live.

The pressure grows to be more noticeable. I give it the attention it needs just as I would a trigger point. Acknowledge it is there. Something caused it to be hurt and the hurt got stuck in a way that is cutting off the love, the flow of life in your body.

I am sorry that those things happened, and I'm sorry that they never healed. I deserved better than that, and I am the one that failed to give myself what was needed to heal at the time. I am sorry.

I love you (pressure/pain space). I love myself enough to fix it now. I have given myself all of the tools my body needs to mend, I made sure of it by taking my vitamins and a few very supportive herbs. I made sure of it, because I know that my brain is struggling because it needs something. So regardless of what IT says I'm going to do my best to provide. I am a miracle goddess worthy and deserving of love. Real love.

Discomfort grows, but in smaller areas.

The pressure, the discomfort, is where the light is moving into the damaged spaces. It is uncomfortable because it forces flow to return, it forces life to live again. The damage was never mended, and the only way to bring in healing is to open the wound. God's light is gentler than surgery, but still uncomfortable.

Opening a wound is always going to be painful. But once open the light, the flow, can return.

The relief begins.

The flow brings what was needed all along.

It becomes a gentle loving embrace.
The sense of support we all need.
Those parts of me, they just didn't know they needed it, or even what it was.

The pressure feels less but stays.
Now it is the pressure of being supported in loving light.
Now it is the pressure of nutrients and hydration flowing in.
It is a good pressure, it is a helpful pressure.
It is the feeling of God being let into spaces that have not felt the light and love for decades.
This discomfort, this definitely feels good. Like the hurts-good of my fix-it massages.
It makes sure that everything gets what it needs.
It is omnipresent, all the damaged spaces receiving simultaneously, my only ability to discern is where I focus my attention.
I count 11 in my brain, head, and neck.
I count 23 in the rest of my body.
And I'm writing from this mindful space so I may have missed some.
All of them found with the same level of light and love flowing much needed supportive pressure.

Pause.
Feel.
Just sitting with the sensations.
Let the mind relax, and check in on spots in a rotation you don't have to think too much about.
Just know the light and love is working, and the level of damage is what determines how long it might take.
Do this as long as possible, every day.
If you have to stop because of life, just know you have to revisit until complete. With my years of practice, I'm able to do this as long as no one is talking directly to me, it has been a huge help.

You know it is complete when the pressure releases and you genuinely feel better in that spot. It feels good again. It feels easy again. It feels normal again.

If you get distracted, repeat.
I am here.
I am a miracle.
My body is a miracle.
My brain is a miracle.
I made it through all of that and I'm still alive.
I deserve the miracle that is ME.
I deserve all that is wonderful and good.
I deserve to have myself and all that means.
I deserve all the love and light needed to heal fully and completely.

Sit and relax and repeat any of this as much as needed. Do what your body asks of you. If you need to pee, go pee. If you need a drink, drink something, preferably pure water. If your body wants to change position do it to the fullest of your ability. Just keep breathing through all of it and stay focused on the message here.

May you find the healing you seek. May the flow do exactly what you hope for. May we all find the release of healing and find our whole inner self. May we all feel just fine again. May you feel good and know the light of life is flowing in all of you. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

As above so below. An it harm none, do what ye will. So mote it be.

May God’s will be complete, on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Bhumi mangalam,
Udaka mangalam,
Agni mangalam,
Vayu mangalam,
Gagana mangalam,
Surya mangalam,
Chandra mangalam,
Jagata Mangalam,
Jeeva mangalam,
Deva mangala,
Mano mangalam,
Aatma mangalam,
Sarva mangalam
Om Shanti
(Translation: May there be tranquility on earth, in water, in fire, in the wind, in the sky, on the sun, on the moon, on our planet, in all living beings, in the body, in the mind, and in the spirit. May that tranquility be everywhere and in everyone. Aum peace)

Om Shanti

Cycles

Seems I’m in another cycle of self-healing. Anger transformed to focused intent.

After my last post I felt the need to focus on my self going back as far as I could find the feeling place of my divine inner being. I was aimed at triggering my earliest memory of me, before sickness, before traumas, before stress and disease. My purest me.

I reached for and found the feeling place of having just been born and exploring the range of what my body could handle. That feeling of being new to the world and finally able to stretch out and move my body around, exploring my experience. I actually had a moment of quiet where my legs wanted to kick the blanket off, but I was not covered by any blanket.

That stirred two thoughts that I repeated for the rest of the day.

I’m a miracle for having made it through everything before. My body and brain are a miracle for their amazing ability to heal (and their interconnected complex functions of life).

I am a born healer just by being alive. That which I am, is a miracle that has helped me survive so many things, and will do so again with a little slow quiet.

At one point I found myself saying: all I need to do is just be me, I’m a healer and healing myself by just being me.

Hours of repetition later, I am feeling better emotionally, and much more aware of my ability to slow down. Now I just need to allow that to flow to my family and world so that much needed support manifests to keep the ‘miracle healing of self’ vibe going. My body needs the space and resources to heal. When I was a baby simple hydration would have been sufficient for quite some time. As an adult I wouldn’t say I need much of anything else internally, but the process now includes an entire family.

My body is a miracle. My brain is a miracle. My life is healing. My world is healing.

One step at a time.

May you transform your anger to healing. May you find your miracle moment of your inner self and milk it for all that it is worth. May you know your path and find a way to stay to connected as well as possible. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

10 in 2 years

SARS-CoV-2 Variant Classifications and Definitions (COVID-19)

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/variants/variant-classifications.html#anchor_1632150752495

Wake up. NOTHING that has been done worked. Live or die, but I’m fucking over the stress and bullshit arguing, when no one has gotten it right. God could fucking fix this and isn’t, maybe he’s sick of our bullshit too. God supposedly could fix a lot of things and isn’t, he checked out ages ago. Get over it, all of it.

Of course if he was really that sick of us he find a way to smite everyone and just be done. Bible says he’s done it before, what’s s stopping him now.

An it harm none, do what ye will. God’s will be done. Finished. On Earth as it is in heaven.



Doctor Oz, before you get elected please run shows on how to educate our children for the safety of their own health. We should be teaching them better options than carried by their parents and generations past, and better options than the establishment is offering.

Oprah, open family yoga centers, where kids learn to do yoga as a kid should, but their parents get the same time for the same thing. Make it easy and fun for the whole family. Meditation too (maybe every yoga class does a meditation at the end). Make it like Wonderscope KC, but for yoga and truly healthy eating.

DIAL, Brookdale, or any other senior living facility. The boomers are the first to go, and our timeline has just sped up significantly. If you want to thrive you need to figure out how to take people of any age for care, but also preserve the health of your employees. If you don’t, it won’t be long until all your employees become residents.

If you came to this world for a reason and your intentions are good, then now is the time to put your foot down and act. Otherwise you’ll join the unaligned in bickering death.

Actions based in aligned intentions of the divine are life saving. Prayer, meditation, eating foods worthy of gods, drinking drinks worthy of gods, treating your body as the temple of god it was always intended to be, giving yourself the same praise you would God because you can and will be the channel of God to do great things in this world. Do it for you and because it is the hope for humanity.

May we all navigate the path with ease. May God’s will be complete and our hands, our bodies, our brains, our connection to the divine, be a daily reminder of such. May we all heal this world together. Above all may you know that you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Appropriately Colorful Euphemisms- a good start.

Put up or shut up.

Pot calling the kettle black.

Shit or get off the pot.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

My morning started with dreams, a shower rant, and holding a dieing raptor.

The dream was essentially being told I wasn’t listening and I was doing it all wrong. Maybe it wasn’t a dream maybe it was me loosing to the brain trauma of that sentiment in my repetitive experience. I moved my hands and turned on my Reiki. It helped but did not fix, again.

In the shower I went off about how I have energetically carried everyone my whole life, not even knowing that I was doing it. Their words and actions having an even greater impact me because I felt them on levels our language can’t handle and I had no comprehension for… No one did. I was angry that God didn’t fix it, that nothing I have wanted or enjoyed ever lasted because I would get sucked right back into energetic lead boots. Even worse, was the acknowledgement that my children carry the ripple effects and I’m powerless to fix it.

On my way to work at the 2nd stop sign of my route, there was what I thought was a perigrine laying in the road. Once our vehicle stopped I realized he was still moving. I lept out and picked him up. He was bleeding from his nose, brain truama had definitely occurred. He looked at me and then closed his eyes. Nathan asked where, or if, we could take him for help. I said he wouldn’t make it, there was nothing I could do. I placed him gently in the grass beside the road and got back in the car crying out loud.

I am angry over a lot right now. Traumas I and my brother faced. Diseases we contracted that medical institutions did nothing to solve but pretended to have solutions for. Failures at every turn, often missed by people supposedly educated enough to have God complexes. Angry at myself for allowing the diseases and traumas in, for dragging my family like a whole train of lead carts, for failing to help myself sooner.

I’m angry at the perceived promises and my believing them too long. I’m angry that I didn’t listen to my inner being better and sooner. I’m angry that I’ve been unable to get others to see it and that the same system is doing it again and keeping everyone stressed in the process. That the system itself is dooming us to death sentences, that we are all now ticking time bombs, that no one even registers it’s already begun and the system is set-up to deter real healing because of impacts to profits.

I’m angry that my stumbling through textbooks and the internet has provided answers that help, but still don’t fix it enough to save my life. My best answers were divinely guided, but too slow, too late, to ineffective, and not complete solutions. My connection to God has only slowed everything. At the rate my family is going, and my ability (or lack thereof) to maintain near perfection indefinitely, I might get another couple decades if I’m lucky. If I fail, my life is more likely to end sooner. No miracles have happened, no solutions for any of us, means we are all squarely responsible for our own health however long that may be. So I’m angry that I’ve been unable to get anyone to understand that, and heed warnings which I simply feel in my body and awareness.

The list could go on and on.

But I must stop it.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

I’m not high right now, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as flexible as is ideal, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as slender as I’d like to be, my body feels a bit better the slimmer I get, it’s easier to find balance than in my past, it has helped. I’m not as healthy as ideal, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as smart as I’d like to be, it helps. My intuition isn’t as clear as I would like it be, it has helped more than anything. I like eating everything, but like feeling better more, so I’m doing the best to find the best balance I can.

I can’t fix it, so right now I’m not. I’m not fixing anything. I’m not being there for anyone. I’m not helping anyone see anything. I’m not making a difference or changing the world. I’m not keeping anyone else alive. I’m not dragging anyone with me. I’m not getting my point across. I’m not making anything right. I’m not arguing for anything anymore. I’m not filling others’ roles or expectations anymore. I’m not taking care of anyone else. I’m not repeating myself for anyone. I’m not getting anyone to listen. None of my efforts have worked anyway.

I’m ineffective, misunderstood, misconstrued. I’m intimidating and fear inducing. And none of that is me. No one wants me. No one wants all of me, most everyone only wants one small portion of me. If no one wants all of me, then I want me for me. I’m not mirroring anyone or anything else anymore.

I’m me. What is me? Who is me?

If I really truly drop every iota of that and more, then there’s nothing left but me. Is there any hope left? Is there any kindness left? Is there any healing left? Is it possible, can I just be me for me in wholeness and goodness? Just let go completely and still be alive? I don’t know the answer and I’m scared. Grieving for my family and letting go of everything. Letting go fully is hard when things are going well and energy ties are easy. Grief is hard when it’s only one obstacle. Layers compound everything.

Easy is just breathing. Right now just breathing. Quiet stillness and breathing. It’s a good middle ground that is easy to find. That’s where I will aim. Just quietly breathing and focused on where I sit. It is the closest I can reach for now, for being the fullness of ME, for little ‘ole me. Quietly breathing in this one spot.

May you find your best spot for quiet breathing and know that your best has to be good enough. May you know you will make it through trying times. May you know that being yourself is the best thing you could ever be, and that it doesn’t matter if anyone ever notices, cares, or listens, because God intended you to be just as you are. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti


Bird Correction: It was a red shouldered hawk, see link:

https://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Red-shouldered_Hawk/photo-gallery

I’m going to go with between morning lighting and my emotions, the head seemed much more grey in the moment, and belly less red. Still a raptor I couldn’t save. That’s not how I wanted to hold a majestic bird, anyone for that matter. I hate being a harbinger of death, a real life Banshee; death doula makes it sound far too benign. Regardless of the name used, it is my most disturbing talent, which occurs far too frequently for comfort.