Tag Archives: find healing

Out… Me… Relief…

This morning started rough. 10 minutes before I left for work everything went awry. I knew I was picking up on another person and kicked them out to be able to function at work. I showed up and 1st session went okay.

Halfway through my gap between clients I hit overwhelmed and knew I needed to focus. My mantra became:

“Everybody OUT, Now! I need to just be me! Get the eff out of my awareness, I only need to be just me right now!”

I was referencing everyone I was connected to. I had the realization that I want everyone I love to be around me, and it had caused a plume of all their energetic stuff to also be around me. I was overwhelmed by that which I thought I wanted. I want the loving partners and family, but not to the detriment of myself. So I acknowledge I still need to be able to have my space and my time, and that time needed to be now, before it was too late.

It worked, and for the duration of my second session I focused on the moments I feel me, so that I could focus on being just me.

Me is when I’m inĀ  nature. Me is seeing the beauty in and around me. The beautiful butterflies and bees that defy gravity and do delicate dances on the wind to fertilize flowers for even more beautiful abundance. Me is marveling as the sunshine dances through trees’ waving limbs. Me is listening to beautiful songs from beautiful birds. Me is smelling flowers’ sweet scents.

I was just breathing and feeling me, my inner being- it feels good, all while working on my client. It felt like peace and happiness. It felt calm and centered. I love feeling me.

After feeling ME for quite some time while working on my client, I shifted to knowing that I deserve better. I have worked a long time at healing myself. I have put lots of research and thought into healing myself. I have put lots of intuition into healing myself. I have taken many actions, over and over again, over that long span of time, all guided towards healing myself. I had done so well that even though my second pregnancy ended in hives and labor twice as long as the first, my thyroid still didn’t crash as hard as the first time. I have done so well focusing on healing myself that I had two major viral infections in one year and still managed to mostly maintain myself. Not only did I maintain, I lost a little weight and slimmed down a lot. So yes, I deserve proof that what I’m doing is working, tangible validation that others recognize.

That led to my next mantra:

My I.D. is my spirit.
I am a divine being.
I am in alignment with my source.
My source is healing me.
Source Healing is greater than anything man has to offer.
Source is obliterating Dis-ease for me.
I'm healing to my beautiful divine self.
I am beautiful and healthy.

Then I focused on what was next. I was headed to that ultrasound that was scheduled last week. I kept telling myself “I’m going to go get my proof that what I’m doing is working and it’s just got my system riled up.” I thought about what proof might look like, all the options that would be evidence that what I was doing was working. I acknowledged that 2020 hit me hard in several ways, so pretty much anything less than significantly worse was still a sign that my efforts counted.

But I narrowed it down. I deserve this proof because I made it through, but more because I’ve put so much massive effort into my health- I deserve massive results. Considering I’ve fought a new virus on top of an old nagging one, and still had visible results, I felt I was deserving of positive test results. I felt I deserved test results showing significant improvement of some kind. To me that meant that whatever the test showed it should be less significant than the one at the start of 2020.

I arrived for my Thyroid Ultrasound. I knew they were looking for nodules, and filled in the tech. I explained that the previous report said there were several and one was just large enough it could have been biopsied, but doc didn’t seem concerned enough to do so so it never had been. After my description, I said that I was hoping they were either the same or fewer and smaller.

The tech did his job and scanned not just my thyroid itself, but all of the surrounding lymph nodes. That was more than the first one did. He told me he only saw one difinitive lump on the left lobe of my thyroid, and it was still small enough he didn’t think it was even considered large enough to do a biopsy, but that I would need to confirm with my doctor. He told me that he thought it looked like a good scan considering I knew I had Hashimotos and had already been told of the nodules. He had me wait while he confirmed with the radiologist. He came back and said yes they had compared to the previous scan from last year and they both think it looks good, but the doctor will confirm.

I needed that good news something fierce and thanked God profusely. I then immediately texted everyone around me the good news, including Nathan. I was straight giddy from receiving much relieving news.

It’s now been 4 hours and my evening has gone splendidly because of the relief I have felt.

I can’t bring myself to tell my family (mom, dad, brother) because I am not certain my solution well help them. I started before system failure, I started before cancer set in. I’m not certain what I’ve done will heal them as effectively. It wouldn’t hurt to try, but it’s not easy or quick, so even if all 3 started today, I’m not sure it would save them. Then there’s the matter that I’m not sure they want to be saved. You can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do, and they’ve all essentially said they are okay with the alternative.

I will fill them in eventually, but I need for my brother to regain his bearings before I tell him. I love him, and I know it’ll bounce right off of him if he’s still in post surgery dosage attempts. His medicine dose needs to at least be close for him to be able to hear that there’s hope. I would love for him to be able to hear me and reach for his own healing, but I accept that it might not happen even if his meds are fairly balanced.

Regardless, my proof that my efforts are working is exactly what I needed. It is the encouragement to keep going because the light is finally at the end of the tunnel. I’m finally seeing an end in sight. A bit more patience is all that is needed.

May you have clarity when you need it. May you easily find your inner being when it is needed, and especially to receive the blessed healing that only comes from within. May you know your efforts not just counted, but did exactly as hoped. May you feel better and have patience with the discomfort of change and definitely with the healing cycle. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Courage

I’m sharing this particular version of the music video for the lyric edits and the statement she is making with her costuming and stage presence. It resonated with me strongly, but I also love the more common version used in movie/theatrical productions.

The reason I am sharing it is weird and complex.

Yesterday, after having listened to it dozens of times, I heard the notes from my childhood. Those keyboard notes I played for my mom over and over again asking her if she knew what song they came from. I just knew I had heard them before. My mom would get sick of hearing them and send me to my room so that the sound was more muffled. She could ignore me easier.

Now I have heard them again from another source. They are the notes of the line: “you’re not alone in all this, you’re not alone I promise”.

I’m not a music historian and I never did figure out where I had heard those notes, so I have no idea if they appear in other music with a slightly different rhythm or anything. But now I have heard them from SIA.

Between the meaning of the lyrics, and the realization I may have ‘heard’ the song 34 years before it existed, I cried.

It doesn’t help that I keep playing the song to give myself strength.

My family is not well. The battle I have been working on, and picking apart, for myself for over 7 years (it started before I got pregnant with Ian and he’s going to turn 7 in 2 months) is taking a drastic toll on my family.

I mentioned before that I was certain, since I discovered the root cause, it was likely the reason all of us have struggled for decades: EBV- Epstein Barr Virus.

I mentioned after my trip to CT that I found out mom was ignoring significant symptoms, my brother had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and dad has been slowly dieing for almost a year now.

Well, a call from my mom recently, after my brother cleared surgery, filled me in. She explained he cleared surgery and they had removed 9 lymph nodes with his thyroid. All 9 tested positive for cancer, but he is optimistic and radiation starts in a month.

The knowing has been part of my struggle this week, and the reason I’m propping myself up with music.

I’m scared for my brother. I’m scared for myself. We are too young to deserve this.

And it’s because Western medicine blew off a virus for decades, almost a century, as not being worth their time to solve. Before or after they knew how much damage it could do, and people still regularly catch Mono.

I am literally fighting a loosing battle, that an institution with more resources than I can imagine, wrote off as unnecessary.

The anger in me is massive and I am doing everything in my power to shake it off and keep rising my vibration, it’s my only hope.

I will keep doing what I can and have been doing. Hopefully I will find success where my family didn’t, simply because their doctors never bothered to search for a root cause.

I will keep sending prayers for my brother and his family. For everyone I know that is struggling with their health. For the world, because we have a new EBV in Covid, medicine just wants to document and occasionally treat symptoms as needed. I sincerely hope that 80 years from now there is an entirely different outcome for Covid, but my inner gut feeling tells me otherwise. I believe we are all going to need prayers to get through the long-term ramifications of 2020. So prayers I send.

May you never know the fear of dieing before you are ready. May you always have a healthy and joyful life. May you enjoy your days to the fullest and have hope for your offspring. May you see the resources available and be able to utilize them for self-healing. May you find the health you seek and maintain your alignment with God. May you know your purpose here in this world and may you leave this world a better place. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

On Repeat.

I have had this song on repeat for a couple days now, just keeping me afloat and functional. I wanted to share.

Doctor visit this afternoon after work resulted in a list of labs to be drawn ASAP (lab had closed by the time I finished with my visit). The goal is to rule out other problems, check my thyroid levels again, and check Covid antibody levels (if it hasn’t become another chronic infection then they should be low if they register at all). I also have to do another thyroid ultrasound to see if there are any significant changes. Once all of that comes back I will have a follow-up appointment on the 9th. Barring anything scary that is.

The acupuncturist had recommended drawing an immune panel to see if any other/new autoimmune antibodies were active and to check levels of the known Hashimotos and EBV. The doctor didn’t say no to that idea but essentially said she needed to start with all the basics first.

The lady I saw today, a PA, wasn’t well versed in thyroid, no surprise there, as few are. She said that she would rather I be on Levothyroxine. I told her it failed me miserably the last time I took it and I went 4.5 years successfully taking Armour/NDT. She said ultimately depending on lab and ultrasound results I may just end up needing a referral to an endocrinologist. I didn’t shoot that down for her, even though the two I went to previously were not much better versed than she is. I really hate this system.

The acupuncturist told me to have patience with the tedium and that I was doing the right thing. I need the labwork, but I’m so sick of blanket treatments and all we know is thyroid=levothyroxine or thyroid cancer= surgery/cancer treatment/ lifetime of levothyroxine. It’s all bullshit.

But then Nathan reminded me we have much better aim and are more successful hacking things once the full problem is known. So right now were searching for a total picture of what needs addressed. Is it even still just my thyroid, and if so, is it because my thyroid is worse off or because my regimen isn’t meeting needs? Once I have some basic answers I will know better how I need to adjust. I have contemplated going fully AIP level 1, essentially a raw food diet sans any nightshades, seeds/legumes/nuts/grains. It is a miserable existence food wise, but I’m willing if it actually truly solves anything.

See that is the catch, that whole I’m never good enough belief that was brainwashed into me. It hasn’t been good enough that that I’m AIP with some nuts/legumes, no let’s nix everything and go raw, because it’s literally the only option left. Feck you, and if the divine is going to force me into that kind of stupid level of clean than it better fucking matter, or I’m throwing in the towel for life. I’ll willingly give up and accept death. The Divine Masculine is an asshat. Just sayin’.

Could have been healed ages ago, but no I had to catch covid and have and EBV flare in the same year. Or I could’ve had those negative beliefs healed, god knows I’ve asked for that enough times, and if they are the sole cause then heal that first damn it- I’ve been doing the work I deserve some results. Or I could have had the resources to quit working, eliminate stressors, hermit and monk myself into healing. But no, I’m dealing with a broken system yet again, to attempt to get answers to help myself AGAIN. Where is the divine in this mess? Fucked up way of doing things I’ll say.

Anyway, my frustrations aside, I’m taking steps that I know will guide me. Seems as usual my own spirit seems to be the only thing on my side, and I’m doing my best to acknowledge it and follow steps. Hopefully I will finally win this battle for once and for all and get my happily ever after. I have way more than fecking earned it. I deserved it well before 2020 and was well on my way to getting there before 2020 happened. Give me my results back and more because of a lost year of stupid nonsense full of shit I couldn’t control.

May you have the answers you need. May you know exactly what you need to do and how to accomplish it. May the divine help you leap gaps you struggle to bridge alone. May the divine heal us all and guide us all to better days. Above all may you know that the Divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

And for good measure one more applicable song: