Tag Archives: find love

TO love and be loved.

My day started with the quote from Sadhguru with Isha:

It reminded me of the contrast between my father and my spouse. My father was the former part of the quote, and my spouse the latter.

However, it was also a focus tool on what it means to love or be loved, especially after the contrast of my last post.

If you love something or someone you wish to experience it in the fullest sense, whatever that may be.

To love, you desire to appreciate the object of attention with as many senses as possible, and especially to the fullest ability of those senses, even if it may not always be completely pleasant. Most people think of our 5 earthly senses, but for me I always include the 6th sense as well.

When I really love something my 5 senses are utilized primarily, but there is always an element of my 6th Sense being included in the appreciation.

For example with art: I feel the paper, the canvas, even the texture of whatever medium I choose. I can tell you without even thinking too hard what the smell of charcoal or paint is like. I use my sight to craft my image or sculpture meticulously. I even enjoy the sound of the brush on canvas or pencils or charcoal on paper. The only physical sense that is limited with art is taste, and that is because many mediums can be toxic, yet I have still inadvertently tasted charcoal and clay, neither were offensive even when accidental. However, my most favorite is the 6th sense. In art, I feel a sense of calmness and peace that is deeper and more soothing than most any other activity for me. There have been several times that I was so soothed by the sense of the divine that I have lost hours or even entire days riding that peacefulness as I created something beautiful.

Many of my other loves (mentioned in my previous post) can be broken down similarly, but the 6th sense is always there and always unique to the thing I am focused on. It always feels wonderful, but can carry excitement, joy, peace, soothing, it can be energizing, and even full of passion.

When you really truly love a person it’s no different of a layered experience, but the layers are unique to that person. The 6 senses with my 6 year old are not experienced just the same way that the 6 senses are experienced with my husband.

Examples for my 6 year old would be: I love hearing his giggles, I love seeing him smile, I love rubbing his back, and the smell of his hair after a bath or playing in the sandbox brings me joy, and I will shower him with kisses as long as he lets me. But even when he’s stinky, dirty, or upset, I still love my little boy. Additionally my 6th sense still feels love shared between us, that bond formed in utero that helped me communicate before I could even see him. That sense that helped him learn motor skills because of my work while pregnant. Yet moreso, I feel when he really needs mommy because of upsets, confusion, or fright. I still communicate with him without need for words. I cherish every moment of our connection.

My husband has similar but not exactly the same set. Love can be so great that even the negatives are diminished. I love kissing my S.O. fully and completely, so that even my taste buds can enjoy the experience, but sometimes they’d rather I not do that first thing in the morning. My sense of touch does not have to be limited to back rubs, and I have even had the joy of picking zits, providing healing for wounds, and caressing every inch of his body. My sense of smell has experienced the full spectrum of smells his body provides, and even the unpleasant ones are somehow less offensive than someone I don’t find love in. I have seen him at his best most beautiful, and his worst post yardwork or surgery; regardless I still love him. The best is my intense connection with him. It has waned over our 16 years together, but I still know when he’s really happy or really struggling. I still feel his love for me when he’s focused on me. I still have a connection that enables knowing what he is going to say or being able to convey my needs without words. It’s that sense beyond the senses that keeps my love for him strong. We get each other’s headaches, body aches, and even each other’s inebriation. It’s those moments I know we share a strong bond of love supported by divine connection.

The hardest for me has been the others. The ones I felt and connected with in my 6th sense, but with which I never got to experience the entirety or fullness of the rest of the senses. My body sometimes aches with desire for the rest of my senses to be filled with loving experiences with them. Yet to this day they are my enigma. I will cherish the conversations accomplished and the moments of 6th sense connection, and maybe one day either they will return or God will replace them. Whether they return or not, I know my love for them is the realness of the latter part Sadhguru’s quote. I felt them, and even being unable to fulfill the wholeness of my desire for filling all the senses, I was able to get a sense of who they were as beings. There are definitely gaps and truths waiting to be fulfilled, but even if that never comes to pass my 6th sense knew. Maybe my lesson here is that I knew so deeply that I can still love and never receive them fully. That is the height of Sadhguru’s message. To love without being able to have as my own.

It’s an odd place to be. I never expected ownership to begin with. I never expected to stake claim, as that is the premise of polyamory.

Yet I had really desired, really hoped, for the same fullness of all the senses that I experience with Nathan. Love was found in multiplicity, for that I’m certain, and I can never undo that.

Now I wish to experience the fullest of the multiple love scenario, experience the all of more than one significant other. Experience the sights and sounds, words and feel of more than one. To experience the caresses and tastes, and yes even smells of more than one; on top of that 6th sense knowing and feeling of others. It’s a layered experience, but the layers are unique to each person, and I really do wish for that with more than just my Nathan and kids.

May you see you love in it’s fullest and truest sense. May you know you love someone for whom they are and not because they are yours to own. May you understand how to love fully and completely. May you know for certain that it is possible with everyone you truly care for. May you understand that you can fully love someone and not necessarily need to experience them in a specific way. May you find that you are able to experience those you do love in the ways that feel best and right to you. May you know that your love is reciprocated. May you know that God loves and supports you in whatever you choose.

*Om Shanti

*My God given prayer “Siva Hir Su” has had some clarity through using it with my Reiki practice. Since I now understand it’s use more fully from that intuitive input, I’m using it a little more descriminantly these days. I’ll elaborate at some point soon. For now I am defaulting to more generally accepted and positive options.

If you love it, be willing to experience it fully.

I was working on finding my joy, my connection to God. Intrusive thoughts were hampering that, and I got stuck on one.

Guns.

But because I was headed towards better, I saw them in a whole different light. I thought, if people love their guns so much, why don’t they want to experience them fully?

If you really loved guns, you would want to hold them, caress them, fondle them, kiss them. And if you were really, really in love with guns you would want to experience them as fully as you could. So while you were kissing it, you’d just pull the trigger and it would take you to God instantly. That is the truest fullest expression of experience of the thing called a gun. That would be the ultimate experience of that creation.

Yet, people that swear they love guns can never bring themselves to fully experience it.

You know what I love?

I love art and music and cuddling kitties and seeing my kids smile. I love relaxing in sunshine and playing with my children. I love seeing my husband smile and relax. I love love. I love companionship. I love yoga, comfortable exercise, and being healthy. I love helping others heal and relax and feel better.

Did you know that all of my things take me to God too?

I let myself do them as much as I can, and I experience them in as many ways as possible, and as often as possible. Yet, I’m not sure that any single one of my loves could take me to God as fully as the gun. I’m not sure I could ever find so much joy and pleasure in any one of my desires that I would get to release to God immediately.

Oh, I’ve tried.

I have immersed myself in art so much that a whole day disappears, and I never ate or drank or even needed to go to the bathroom. My mind only registered art.

I have immersed myself in music enough to loose a few hours at a time.

I immersed myself in birthing two children. With my son I barely noticed 12.5 hours had passed. With my daughter I barely noticed 24 hours passed.

I have immersed myself in work at several points in my adult life and looked back to a whole year having passed and saying “where did the time go?”.

But never has one of my loves taken me all the way to God, wholly and completely.

The gun, it’s unique. If you are willing to experience it as fully as it was intended, it’ll take you straight to God.

Maybe we should all make love to the gun.

Or maybe that’s why we’re so damn afraid of it.

We’re afraid of what God would say if we experienced it fully and completely. If that’s the case, why do you love them?

Things that seem questionable to me are not things that I find love and joy in. I have tried things as an adult I knew immediately felt wrong. I have avoided things that didn’t even need tested or tried to feel wrong. My body tells me things it doesn’t love and I walk away from them as best as I’m able, even when it’s inconvenient.

If it feels good and feels better that is what we are supposed to reach for, to the fullest of our ability. No matter what that is. No matter if it is daunting, challenging, inconvenient, or expensive. If it brings joy, go there, fully and completely and it will connect you with God to the fullest of it’s ability. All of this world is creation, and all of it has a place for some reason, experience it as fully as you are able.

Food for thought.

May you know what you truly love, and be able to experience it fully. May your loves take you as close as possible to God. May you know God loves you, and supports everything that you really love.

Siva Hir Su