Tag Archives: find peace

Intentionally Vague

Tired of stalkers that want to be all up in my business, think they are “helping”, but put their agenda and two cents worth in when I didn’t ask for it. And it’s actually mostly energetic. In fact several of these people have denied me over and over again in face to face interactions. Playing innocent or ignorant or even down right telling me off.

I am seeing the chaos and mayhem thread that runs through several individuals. They definitely have the wavelength of Shiva-God-of-destruction down pat. I suppose I should have quit praying to Shiva when I got out from the worst of my problems. But even that God archetype has a good side, so why the hell do I keep getting the worst side? You only have to destroy once and then spend the rest of the time creating beauty, so why didn’t I get the good creation side?

Anyway, the last few weeks many, many posts have been read from the entirety of my writing journey. I am suspicious of which individuals are rehashing my history, by which posts have been viewed. Dad is obviously one, big surprise- not.

I wouldn’t really care about them being hung up on me, if their fixation moments didn’t fling giant globs of energetic poo at me and my family. I don’t want what they think I want, and they can’t, for whatever reason, see that their efforts are not actually helping me. It’s because they are reaching for what they would want if ____ was said, not reaching for Treasa says she wants _____. I also suspect they are fixating on one aspect and details, instead of the general overall package and feel (Abraham tells us over and over that is how we fail so often anyways).

So then chaos ensues.

Good example. Dad hates my husband and barely acknowledges him as being in my life. I’m certain he’s sent prayers, and overly fixated on Nathan needing replaced, and he probably thinks it should be by someone like my poor little daddy-o. Because I keep ending up with more people in my life that are just like my father. Jealous, bitter, self-hating, addiction laden people that think they know what’s best for me. They want to tell me what I really want or shoot down every possibility, with things that could go wrong. When they aren’t telling me my desires are inappropriate or too complicated, they are busy challenging me, like I need to prove myself to them. Yet none of them work on themselves, no they only focus on: what are my abilities, what are my skills, can I handle this or that, how quickly can I grasp something?

Here’s the kicker, I have passed every such test with flying colors for several years running. Multiple individuals testing me for their own gain, and no serious failures in my part.

Yet not a damn one of them offered me the funding to start Atira. Not a damn one of them honored me and respected me in any lasting tangible ways. Not a damn one of them congratulated me publicly. Not a damn one of them offered me a job that was actually financial improvement for me. Not a damn one of them offered to help me through my next goals. Not a damn one of them gave me emotional support. Not a damn one of them helped me keep my depression puzzle together. None.

Two attempted to help with housing but at the cost of my hours and hours of tedious and difficult labor. Which, one helped negligebly and was busy distracting us with requests to help them with many things, and the other helped more, but cost me a small fortune and blamed me for the sky falling. Three half-heartedly helped with birth of children.

But my Nathan has done all of it. Nathan has never tested me. Nathan has publicly acknowledged and congratulated everything I have done and accomplished. Nathan has offered his finances to help with business goals. Nathan has done his level best to support me in all ways, including reaching goals, housing, births, and depression puzzle needs. And on top of it all Nathan loves me unconditionally and shows affection every time I need it and many many times that I don’t. He genuinely supports everything that I want from the ‘how can I help you get there’ view.

So if you are one of my stalkers that have played dumb to my face: get a fucking life. If you really truly cared you would say it to my face in kind manners and words. You would show love and affection like a good friend or loved family. The fact that you ruminate on my lack of giving you all the credit is proof that you never actually cared about me or my well-being. The fact that you can’t be fully kind and caring to me directly proves that I was never in your heart. Do you even have a heart, or are you all just uncaring calculating ass-hats out to get what you want? You think a little pretending will convince me you care enough to be able to manipulate me. It only got you a handful of inexpensive gifts, or my time, and I see right through you. It’s okay, I am no longer interested, I was waiting for you to get your shit together to try to give you a second chance. I believe everyone deserves extra chances, but none of you cared to see my intelligence or genuine caring, to even see that I was trying to help you and give you more chances. Your manipulative decisions have become a turn off. All seeing stalker eyes or not. None of you get it and won’t even see my new decisions coming.

I am beginning to wonder if anyone in this world knows or understands love, affection and kindness anymore.

Currently, there are three in my daily life that I believe are part of this vague rant, beyond my father and others from my past. All three are failing to deal with themselves, and all three have significant addictions (one food, one drug, and one body-chemistry/thought-drama), all three pretend they care and are interested. But none of them are really authentic, none are genuine with me, let alone anyone else. None of them follow through with anything I care about, none of them give of themselves unconditionally (all expecting tit-for-tat type exchanges).

Yet despite my best efforts to play tit-for-tat and still give of myself to them unconditionally, I still get waves of negative chaos in my experience.

Frequently, I can feel which person is responsible for the particular chaos wave I’m dealing with. See my gift gets more understood all the time. When the chaos hits, I now feel parts of my body that connect to certain individuals; be it just where the connection fell or they actually touched me there or somehow my body held a memory of them there due to ailments of theirs or whatnot. When the physical sensations arise I often get a paired thought of that spot that confirms the person. So most of the last few weeks I’ve known whom was fixating on my blog, thus on my not meeting their expectations, and creating negative chaos in my experience.

On one hand I am getting much better at kicking them out, my anger can be just as strong as Lord Shivas’. Potent anger directed at the source of chaos is an easy way to cause it to cease.

There’s also been lots of telling the archetype off. “Shiva go destroy yourself. Destroy your own anger, jealousy, greed, and chaos. Destroy yourself and your bullshit. Siva Hir Su. Siva Hir Su. Siva Hir Su.”

I mean it. I need no more destruction. I’m ready to throw in the towel like my father and walk away from this world, but I’m pretty sure I’ve hit my limit where it’ll stick this time because I know I beat depression. It’s easier to kill yourself when you know you’ve done everything you could, improved things as much as possible in every way, and your world is just plain not worth living in. Bonus I found a gun today, so I even have access to the proper tool this time.

Siva Hir Su

I need the loving, protective, creative, supportive side of God. I don’t need anymore kicks in the ass, I need acknowledgement, much greater financial support, less work (God seems to forget that I’ve spent over 3 years working 6 to 7 days a week), and more healing (the last round of EBV flare-up a couple months ago did a number on my pancreas and I have yet to recover).

I need the loving kindness of divine caring. I need healing on the deepest fullest level, the kind that makes your body tingle and every cell feels relief, near miracle. I need appreciation. I need rest but with every bit of my income plus some. I need my broad desires, the big picture, the whole package, to begin manifesting.

Because, it is pointless to walk away from this particular set of nonsense, you just get repeat. I’ll just end up with a similar but different set. I’ve done that several times.

No if things don’t genuinely improve for me, inside and out, I will choose death and rebirth willingly.

I have prayed enough for hosts of angels, all the divine in all is aspects, to help. Start showing it, and kill the chaos. Start helping me experience the better that the bible, koran, bhagavad gita, and other ancient texts talk about. I’ve had glimpses of the good things, but the chaos is so busy destroying my world that my glimpses are fleeting. I want the chaos to just end.

My new mantra:

“My vortex knows what I need. My vortex knows what I want. My Good God knows the quickest easiest route to get it to manifest in my life. I love myself and deserve more. Om gum ganpatiye. Om shanti.”

May you never have extreme chaos disrupt your world. May you enjoy your experience. May everyone around you be genuine and authentic. May you know that others genuinely care about you and love you. May you have ample reasons to keep living. May you enjoy your life.

Om Shanti

As I Am.

I sit soaking in my tub, with 3 pounds of Epsom Salts in the water. Enough to relax muscles and cleanse energetic junk. As I soak I’m singing along to Summer Osbourne’s song “As I Am”. It’s really helping a lot!

This isn’t the best recording ever, but gives you an idea why I love her music.

This link has the whole album with better audio….

It is cleansing a shit-tastic roller-coaster rocky-climb of a couple weeks out of my system. Today was an especially special day where I metaphorically ran all day long just trying to keep up. A large chunk of it was a three floor plumbing disaster with me and one other manager on duty.

Yet, I mostly managed to keep it together these two weeks. I had my moments of that being in question, but I didn’t ever crash until late at night, and when I did, I went straight to sleep.

I am so grateful for the song and the soak, so I reached out to Summer with the following. I really do appreciate her in many ways.

Even though I can’t duplicate that concert from years ago, I can still appreciate the memory. I know whether she reads my words tonight or later, that she probably needs the lift of a compliment as much as I do.

If we lived closer to one another, I’d do so much more, like I do for so many.

Right now I’m doing my best to release a strong desire for reciprocation. I have given compliments, gifts, flowers, and help to many people and many organizations, and it seems I still wait for any to return to me. I fight the energetic backlash of those that feel like I owe them more and more. I fight the energetic drain of those that simply need more than I’m able to give. But I still do my best to help as much as I’m able, knowing I may never see any return to me. I can hope right?

In the midst of today I took 3 seconds to snap a picture of a flyer at work (see below) that I know my presence contributed to. I noticed it a while ago, but it’s posted in an area with restricted travel due to covid, so I have been waiting patiently for the moment to claim proof. If you’re a regular reader you probably see my influence as readily as I do. The first time I noticed it it made me cry.

I know that superiors had been stalking me electronically after my one chain of command lapse a year and a half ago. I never had proof until this poster. I’m flattered and honored they took advice I never gave them directly. I just wish moments like that meant more for my individual daily experience of life.

I am grateful that I was able to have a positive impact on such a large organization.

As the chiropractor flippantly commented: ‘maybe that’ll earn me my angel wings’.

I’m not so concerned about angel wings, I just had hoped that God would help me improve life so my kids didn’t have to struggle so hard to stay healthy and to find themselves. I had hoped maybe if I could help others, God would help me find my healing. So far, I keep giving and hoping, and struggle to overcome my angry-at-the-world moments.

So. I sing. I am safe, I am loved, I am grateful, I am free. I’m as perfect as can be. I am here, I am whole, as I am.

Thank you Summer Osborne.

God, it really would be nice for a little more reciprocation some times, or at least for my immune system to chill the eff out.

May you know you are safe, loved, perfect and whole. May you find gratitude in whatever ways possible, even if you have to squint to see it, or search long and hard for the tiny tidbits to reach for. May you know God supports you and that someday it’ll be worth it somehow. May you know everything works out for the best.

Siva Hir Su

Why Live?

I am a little confused and frankly a bit angry with God at the moment.

Abraham has been quite clear over the years that if you raise your vibration, then people that are too far outside of your vibration are supposed to be deterred energetically. The vibrations bounce off of each other and you simply fail to connect.

Yet my daily experience is not showing that yet.

I have been over the “C” word for quite some time now. I am not afraid of sickness at all and frankly I’m quite perturbed that a system seemingly enjoying and profiting off of ill health (frequently caused by viral infections) seems to care less about actually solving viral diseases, especially from the ‘you caught it, now what’ side.¬† Particularly since we have many that are carried lifelong and do more damage than this silly one does, and many of those known systemic assassins are horribly under diagnosed and severely mis-treated or un-treated. My own health journey has demonstrated that in a huge way, and I still have more hope through alternatives than western medicine even pretends to offer. I think that all this nonsense is just that, and I’m done giving a flying eff about it.

Yes it’s another disease, yes it’s going to kill people, get over it, and if you want to be an effing scardy cat leave me out of it.

Yet, I keep interacting with them. I dropped my two ladies like a bad habit when I hit my limit with their spouting nonsense, and today I got a replacement at the office.

At one point after saying “I simply can’t live in fear anymore”, he decided to argue that it isn’t fear. I literally started repeating “I’m done talking now, I’ll stop talking now, please stop talking.” After several repetitions, he merely paused for 30 seconds before he started trying to argue at me. I didn’t respond and let him rant at me while I finished the last 10 minutes of his 30 minute back massage. I was glad I was wearing a mask because I’m certain I breathed fire at one point towards the end- my inner dragon definitely tried to rear it’s head.

Here’s the deal, if you’re in a place where you feel the need to rant at a massage therapist, the massage is probably months overdue, and why did you even bother. It was obvious that my role there was not to fix muscle tension, as he was quite comfortable with it and didn’t want to let go of anything long enough to solve the muscle tension. No, he wanted a captive whipping boy, and I’m good enough at taking abuse from men that I didn’t end the session and walk out. I suppose that was my vibrational lapse. Thanks dad.

But that takes me to my last point: if you feel the need to argue with a complete stranger that you sought out for help, there’s probably a greater problem within you that you are not acknowledging. No stranger should ever be subjected to your desire for a fight, but it seems that the world is set on destroying each other at the most rapid pace possible. It’s not bad enough we have viral diseases that can cause cancer, it’s not bad enough that we have other cancers that kill people regularly, it’s not bad enough we have rampant heart disease, it’s not bad enough you could die from any one of several viral/parasitic/bacterial diseases, it’s not bad enough that we could die in an accident at any time- no, let’s find new and more ways to stir and continue fights and kill each other off. Let’s get creative on the attacks and methods of destruction for our own race. Let’s enjoy making explosive toys that take lives and ruin history for humanity. That’s a great idea.

After the 30 minute massage under duress, I spent the following hour fuming. All his arguing only pissed me off, but I’ve got enough sense now, that I ranted to myself on a drive home and let it go (mostly, I’m hoping this finishes it off). None of what he said changed my mind, none of what he said persuaded me to feel differently about this disease, and OH he tried. He really wanted to scare me, he did his best. He gave me every excuse, every lame scare tactic, every ‘chicken-little sky-is-falling’ line he could think of. He thought I had bought into political antics over it and started to rant about “listen to the politicians” at which point I calmly stated¬† “oh, I don’t listen to any of those ass-hats on either side”. He stammered and continued to rant at me about everything he could think of.

I sincerely hope he never comes back.

The one thing I didn’t say, that I later wished I had is: “Why are you so afraid of dieing from covid when there’s little if anything to live for right now?”

It’s a question I posed to God in the hour after during my solitary releasing rant.

I don’t get the point of it all. On one hand God wants you to see the value of living and our reason for being here, but on the other hand I continue to be inundated by fear mongerers when I have done my level best to distance myself from them.

I struggle to see reasons to keep reaching and living.

I have a beautiful family I deeply care for, but we can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything fun, have no life to speak of. My two toddlers have gotten to go to playgrounds 3 times in the last 7 months and they were all recently, right before the weather turned cold. I spend 6 to 7 days a week wearing a mask and only seeing clients. I haven’t seen smiles on anyone’s faces for most of the year. The only child in my family to see friends was the teen, and she’s only had a few such instances.

Movie theatres have closed, restaurants are barely functional unless you can tolerate weather to sit outside. Businesses I used to frequent have gone belly up and that’s just the local small ones. Several long-standing national chains have gone belly up and others have downsized to the extreme. Malls are functioning at fractional capacity, and everywhere you turn people are ducking away from each other.

This is not life. This is not a world worth living in. Everyone is so afraid of catching a new disease that every other part of our enjoyable existence has crumbled.

If you’re not a hardcore outdoorsy type willing to be outside in any weather, then your options became severely limited. But then again, there’s the giant plume of smoke to encourage people to stay inside anyways. I have been outside more than my family because I simply must have daylight and exercise, so I went for many long walks in parks alone. I pushed my family to do likewise, but they like most of America chose to stay safe and stay home, mostly inside, an hour or two of backyard play a day.

It’s quite sad and disheartening, and I am far more worried about the fate of humanity than my own life in regards to a stupid virus.

I told God, instead of continuing to torture me an my family indefinitely, he could just take us out. God could literally align us with a quick easy exit in seconds, and frankly I think I’m okay with that at this point. I’d much rather have an exit for my family than more of this shit.

Medical systems more concerned about money and politics, than solving disease.

Political systems more concerned about money and war, than solving problems for their constituents.

General populations more concerned with fighting each other and picking sides, then coming together for real compromise based solutions.

Weapons of mass destruction becoming bigger, stronger, more plentiful, more easily accessible, more readily used on each other, and people finding enjoyment in that. Buy all the guns, bigger, shinier, more powerful, and make sure you practice with them. Tell yourselves it’s for the apacolypse, just in case the zombies get you, but ignore the fact that your toys invite reasons to use them.

Race wars, gender wars, marriage rights wars, money wars, political wars, religious wars. Could we possibly invent more reasons to go to war? Don’t answer that. There are enough in my awareness as it is.

It’s all too much, and the good smear is wearing very thin. I really, really have to focus, all day, every day, to see the good in my existence.

It’s becoming more and more challenging and I’ve worked so hard to get this far. I was promised that if I worked at focusing on the good, that eventually it would get easier, yet it never does. Every day seems to get harder and harder to stay focused on the positives. WTF God?!?!


Today I watched cartoons with the kids. We perched in the recliner in front of the fireplace and there were two kids and two cats surrounding me. The recliner couldn’t hold any more if I’d have wanted it to. It was a good moment, and one that stemmed from a strong desire to see good in my world. It was a happy moment.

I really need God to understand that my segment of the matrix really must start showing improvement or I’d rather exit. Unfortunately, I am in the distinct awareness that if I exit, my family is quite doomed and thus if the matrix doesn’t improve then God really must take us all.

There really must be a reason to keep fighting the good fight, to keep reaching for better. There must be a life worth living and enjoying.

I don’t need anyone trying to convince me to live hiding in fear, I need more people willing to live fully. I need positive aware people in my experience. I need open minded solution oriented people in my experience. I need people willing to love and be loved and to work themselves towards better. I need people working on their own thoughts and beliefs to raise their vibrations and reach for better. I need to see improvement that I have worked so hard to find to start manifesting around me.


May you have reasons to live. May others let you live in peace. May you see mostly good. May you enjoy your experience mostly. May the negativity and negatives die. May you know you are supported and that the only thing to fear is fear itself. May your efforts matter and may unwanted experiences bounce off of you.

Siva Hir Su