Tag Archives: find peace

Why Live?

I am a little confused and frankly a bit angry with God at the moment.

Abraham has been quite clear over the years that if you raise your vibration, then people that are too far outside of your vibration are supposed to be deterred energetically. The vibrations bounce off of each other and you simply fail to connect.

Yet my daily experience is not showing that yet.

I have been over the “C” word for quite some time now. I am not afraid of sickness at all and frankly I’m quite perturbed that a system seemingly enjoying and profiting off of ill health (frequently caused by viral infections) seems to care less about actually solving viral diseases, especially from the ‘you caught it, now what’ side.¬† Particularly since we have many that are carried lifelong and do more damage than this silly one does, and many of those known systemic assassins are horribly under diagnosed and severely mis-treated or un-treated. My own health journey has demonstrated that in a huge way, and I still have more hope through alternatives than western medicine even pretends to offer. I think that all this nonsense is just that, and I’m done giving a flying eff about it.

Yes it’s another disease, yes it’s going to kill people, get over it, and if you want to be an effing scardy cat leave me out of it.

Yet, I keep interacting with them. I dropped my two ladies like a bad habit when I hit my limit with their spouting nonsense, and today I got a replacement at the office.

At one point after saying “I simply can’t live in fear anymore”, he decided to argue that it isn’t fear. I literally started repeating “I’m done talking now, I’ll stop talking now, please stop talking.” After several repetitions, he merely paused for 30 seconds before he started trying to argue at me. I didn’t respond and let him rant at me while I finished the last 10 minutes of his 30 minute back massage. I was glad I was wearing a mask because I’m certain I breathed fire at one point towards the end- my inner dragon definitely tried to rear it’s head.

Here’s the deal, if you’re in a place where you feel the need to rant at a massage therapist, the massage is probably months overdue, and why did you even bother. It was obvious that my role there was not to fix muscle tension, as he was quite comfortable with it and didn’t want to let go of anything long enough to solve the muscle tension. No, he wanted a captive whipping boy, and I’m good enough at taking abuse from men that I didn’t end the session and walk out. I suppose that was my vibrational lapse. Thanks dad.

But that takes me to my last point: if you feel the need to argue with a complete stranger that you sought out for help, there’s probably a greater problem within you that you are not acknowledging. No stranger should ever be subjected to your desire for a fight, but it seems that the world is set on destroying each other at the most rapid pace possible. It’s not bad enough we have viral diseases that can cause cancer, it’s not bad enough that we have other cancers that kill people regularly, it’s not bad enough we have rampant heart disease, it’s not bad enough you could die from any one of several viral/parasitic/bacterial diseases, it’s not bad enough that we could die in an accident at any time- no, let’s find new and more ways to stir and continue fights and kill each other off. Let’s get creative on the attacks and methods of destruction for our own race. Let’s enjoy making explosive toys that take lives and ruin history for humanity. That’s a great idea.

After the 30 minute massage under duress, I spent the following hour fuming. All his arguing only pissed me off, but I’ve got enough sense now, that I ranted to myself on a drive home and let it go (mostly, I’m hoping this finishes it off). None of what he said changed my mind, none of what he said persuaded me to feel differently about this disease, and OH he tried. He really wanted to scare me, he did his best. He gave me every excuse, every lame scare tactic, every ‘chicken-little sky-is-falling’ line he could think of. He thought I had bought into political antics over it and started to rant about “listen to the politicians” at which point I calmly stated¬† “oh, I don’t listen to any of those ass-hats on either side”. He stammered and continued to rant at me about everything he could think of.

I sincerely hope he never comes back.

The one thing I didn’t say, that I later wished I had is: “Why are you so afraid of dieing from covid when there’s little if anything to live for right now?”

It’s a question I posed to God in the hour after during my solitary releasing rant.

I don’t get the point of it all. On one hand God wants you to see the value of living and our reason for being here, but on the other hand I continue to be inundated by fear mongerers when I have done my level best to distance myself from them.

I struggle to see reasons to keep reaching and living.

I have a beautiful family I deeply care for, but we can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything fun, have no life to speak of. My two toddlers have gotten to go to playgrounds 3 times in the last 7 months and they were all recently, right before the weather turned cold. I spend 6 to 7 days a week wearing a mask and only seeing clients. I haven’t seen smiles on anyone’s faces for most of the year. The only child in my family to see friends was the teen, and she’s only had a few such instances.

Movie theatres have closed, restaurants are barely functional unless you can tolerate weather to sit outside. Businesses I used to frequent have gone belly up and that’s just the local small ones. Several long-standing national chains have gone belly up and others have downsized to the extreme. Malls are functioning at fractional capacity, and everywhere you turn people are ducking away from each other.

This is not life. This is not a world worth living in. Everyone is so afraid of catching a new disease that every other part of our enjoyable existence has crumbled.

If you’re not a hardcore outdoorsy type willing to be outside in any weather, then your options became severely limited. But then again, there’s the giant plume of smoke to encourage people to stay inside anyways. I have been outside more than my family because I simply must have daylight and exercise, so I went for many long walks in parks alone. I pushed my family to do likewise, but they like most of America chose to stay safe and stay home, mostly inside, an hour or two of backyard play a day.

It’s quite sad and disheartening, and I am far more worried about the fate of humanity than my own life in regards to a stupid virus.

I told God, instead of continuing to torture me an my family indefinitely, he could just take us out. God could literally align us with a quick easy exit in seconds, and frankly I think I’m okay with that at this point. I’d much rather have an exit for my family than more of this shit.

Medical systems more concerned about money and politics, than solving disease.

Political systems more concerned about money and war, than solving problems for their constituents.

General populations more concerned with fighting each other and picking sides, then coming together for real compromise based solutions.

Weapons of mass destruction becoming bigger, stronger, more plentiful, more easily accessible, more readily used on each other, and people finding enjoyment in that. Buy all the guns, bigger, shinier, more powerful, and make sure you practice with them. Tell yourselves it’s for the apacolypse, just in case the zombies get you, but ignore the fact that your toys invite reasons to use them.

Race wars, gender wars, marriage rights wars, money wars, political wars, religious wars. Could we possibly invent more reasons to go to war? Don’t answer that. There are enough in my awareness as it is.

It’s all too much, and the good smear is wearing very thin. I really, really have to focus, all day, every day, to see the good in my existence.

It’s becoming more and more challenging and I’ve worked so hard to get this far. I was promised that if I worked at focusing on the good, that eventually it would get easier, yet it never does. Every day seems to get harder and harder to stay focused on the positives. WTF God?!?!


Today I watched cartoons with the kids. We perched in the recliner in front of the fireplace and there were two kids and two cats surrounding me. The recliner couldn’t hold any more if I’d have wanted it to. It was a good moment, and one that stemmed from a strong desire to see good in my world. It was a happy moment.

I really need God to understand that my segment of the matrix really must start showing improvement or I’d rather exit. Unfortunately, I am in the distinct awareness that if I exit, my family is quite doomed and thus if the matrix doesn’t improve then God really must take us all.

There really must be a reason to keep fighting the good fight, to keep reaching for better. There must be a life worth living and enjoying.

I don’t need anyone trying to convince me to live hiding in fear, I need more people willing to live fully. I need positive aware people in my experience. I need open minded solution oriented people in my experience. I need people willing to love and be loved and to work themselves towards better. I need people working on their own thoughts and beliefs to raise their vibrations and reach for better. I need to see improvement that I have worked so hard to find to start manifesting around me.


May you have reasons to live. May others let you live in peace. May you see mostly good. May you enjoy your experience mostly. May the negativity and negatives die. May you know you are supported and that the only thing to fear is fear itself. May your efforts matter and may unwanted experiences bounce off of you.

Siva Hir Su

Results of giving up.

I ate all the things. Save for one bell pepper: my brain remembered they make me wheeze and I told it “I’m sorry, I really like you, but I would like to breathe for now.”

I enjoyed every bite of comfort.

I gorged until my belly was midly sore. I felt fat, but I already gave into that. I am, despite efforts for years to the contrary, I might as well enjoy it for the moment. I might change my mind later if God let’s me live longer, and that’s okay.

I hugged my husband tight, who knows how many more of those I’ll have with the deal I just made (see last post).

I won’t go to doctors again unless they drag me in an ambulance, and even then I doubt they’ll truly fix anything, just buy some time. That’s all Allopathic medicine ever does, even though they scare you into thinking otherwise.

I smelled the roses, they were from my last tiff with Nathan. It was induced by an allergic reaction to tasty food combined with a mental trigger ingrained by childhood experiences. Hopefully, it will be my last tiff with him, but hopefully there will be more flowers regardless.

I really looked for what I want right now.

I couldn’t find an answer beyond wanting comfort and high vibrational stuff, and thought that somehow those were not the same thing.

I sat in my car for my lunch break, planning to take my usual walk around the pond. I decided to play with my camera on my phone and got distracted with selective focus. Now I write this. There’s 30 min left, I’ll wrap up and get a short walk in.

May you just give up and enjoy what you have right now. May we all quit fighting and trying to be right or make others wrong. May we reach for living the best we can not knowing how long we have. May you appreciate all the things. May you understand all the things you aren’t supposed to do, eat, be, say; they’re all because someone else decided they were bad. Sometimes there isn’t a solution, and we all die eventually, was it worth it if you never enjoyed what you ate or did? What if you hurt others along the way, too many times to count? There is a happy medium you can reach for on pretty much any topic. Do what you want as long as it reaches for good and for better, and sometimes that is enjoying food, and sometimes that is reaching for a healthy alternative. May God help us live enjoyable lives even when we do something wrong, and may God help us right our wrongs. May you find peace and know you are loved and supported.

Om Shanti

Multifidus

What are Multifidus?

Multifidus muscle (musculi multifidi) Multifidus is a group of short, triangular muscles that along with the semispinalis and rotatores comprises the transversospinal group of deep back muscles. They are the thickest muscles in the transversospinal group, and are shorter than semispinalis, but longer than rotatores.

Erector spinae and multifidus The erector spinae muscles produce the extensor force needed for lifting, whereas the segmental extensors, primarily the multifidus muscle, provide stabilization of individual lumbar motion segments

Beyond muscles, I thought it was appropriate terminology for linking together multiple elements of which one finds support, stabilization and overall functionality. That is why I chose to start my blog with that name today.

I have found myself pondering many things this week, and their link is me. They are all elements of my life that I string together into one functional cohesive whole, moving together for a greater good. They give me support through learning lessons and being able to see my own skills and progress. Without any one of them my metaphorical spinal column would collapse.

There was the strep throat, which once I got the PA to pull her head out of fraidy-cat and do her job, quickly began subsiding. It’s amazing how an antibiotic and Prednisone script when utilized properly for the appropriate disease works wonders. I went from not being able to eat or drink hardly at all for 2 solid days; to now I have a tiny tickle that makes me cough occasionally, and a couple rough patches in my throat that haven’t fully healed. I was less concerned about the lack of eating as I have already been eating minimally for a while. But the dehydration began to set in fast and by the time I actually saw the PA I’d already gotten chapped lips and my skin on my hands was cracking and peeling. If I’d have gone another day without enough water I’d have been wasting a hospital bed just because of lack of fluids. I’m just glad I got through to her and managed to get a proper solution.

During my short strep journey my mom visited. In fact it really was nearly the same 5 day stretch. She was not really concerned about catching what I had since we’d both had strep before. I love my mom. We had long talks about a lot of things. I really appreciate all the good things I gained from her. I realized that she has had a hard time fighting her own demons and that has left her feeling like she didn’t do right by me. I did my best to explain that there wasn’t anything she could have done differently and that though there are some things I’m still trying to change about myself- mostly from dad, and I truly appreciate all the good qualities I gleaned from her. She’s my mom and I love her.

While she was here she cuddled with kitties which I know made her miss her departed Rusty and Fuzzy. I miss those cats too sometimes. She also made friends with Zen. It was adorable.

She also spent many hours sitting on our porch swing watching birds and butterflies in our yard. I have a few thistles we let blossom to dry for tea, and the goldfinches, hummingbirds and butterflies simply love them.

Kansas City is still not normal functionality for many things and my mom loves gardens. So my solution, for being under par myself and not being able to do normal things, was to do a driving tour of the city with stops at a couple of the gardens. We went to Jacob Loose park for their beautiful rose gardens and then to Kaufman Gardens, both of which are free and open year round, though prettiest in May to early July. Anya climbed trees and tried to encourage Ian to try as well. It was good fun. We all had a good time and everyone benefitted from some calm fun in the sun.

After our day of sunshine and flowers, I drove mom home to Iowa. I was sad to have to let her go, and I sincerely hope it is not the last time I see her. I know she feels like she has lived a full life and she tells me over and over that she is ready to go home. She says her body hurts frequently and she’s just looking forward to seeing her divine family. We have a genetic heinze-57 mix in our family, but heavy on Irish, Scottish and English. However, mom talks about her dreams of her Irish family and her true love she never found in this life, even having dreams of her horse. I told her I can sympathize and told her of my dreams where I was Quan Yin and Shiva (that brought up a whole discussion of beliefs in reincarnation and how sometimes I feel like I get judged unfairly for cultural strip mining.) Regardless, I appreciate our long conversations and hope there will be more of them. There are some things I still don’t tell my mom, because I simply just know she wouldn’t understand. Her relationship history has not been good, and elements of it leave me knowing she would not understand polyamory. I don’t think she would be mad or upset, just that she is in the state of misunderstanding where you can’t believe that someone would willingly want to do something. So I don’t talk about it, but we do find plenty of other things to talk about. It made for the almost 300 miles back to her home in Iowa much less painful.

On the drive though I was sad to see how much damage the derocho did as it passed through Iowa. The entire I-80 corridor had major damage and it stretched for miles and miles both north and south of 80. Mom was saying that originally they estimated a third of the crops were devastated, but as the damaged plants have dried, they are now suspecting half of the crops are lost. Harvest will begin early to glean how badly everything was damaged. I’m finding myself glad over the fact that I have not consumed corn or soy for a long while now, and that even my meat consumption is lower. The 4 states that were devastated by the storms are all in the top 10 of corn and soybean producers. That means that next year the hogs and cows will have less feed and the myriad of products made from corn and soy will all be much more costly and possibly more scarce. Something I simply will not need to worry about. It does concern me for the rest of the country though.

Anyway, some of the devastation was so intense I just had to try and snap picture as we passed. It may be hard for the untrained eye, so I’ll give you a couple internet images of healthy fields and trees first. The first two are just what a healthy corn crop looks like from the side, 3rd is those healthy fields on a tree line, and last is a healthy soy crop.

Next are the images I managed to snap from the car- sorry for the window glare. What you’ll see: Entire lines of trees with their leaves ripped off, entirely or much more sparse than usual. Corn fields flattened directionally, corn fields with few stalks standing and those are ripped bare; soy fields with huge swaths of brown damaged plants; trees fallen by the thousands many still being cut into usable wood for alternate purposes.

What I didn’t catch was all the businesses and homes with major damage. There simply was too much for me to document properly on my short drive. It is a bit sad for me because I know a much different Iowa and it will take years for the trees to fully recover. Businesses and homes will be rebuilt quickly, a matter of weeks to months and insurance will do its job. Crops will be harvested to the best of their abilities, and there will be an impact, but Iowa farmers have always done good to utilize as much as possible, so if they can salvage they will. What they can’t salvage insurance will cover in the short term and long term people will adjust as needed. We will get through this as much as any disaster.

What it all did do was give me something to shift my focus to gratitude and to see what I do have. Ultimately I spent the rest of my drive back to my home focusing on the good things and seeing that my Atira really is here. It’s not as I have dreamed all these years, but it is here and it’s close enough. I had a solid knowing that I am good enough and my dreams did matter.

My big shiney Atira dome home, for a big poly family, well it’s me and Nathan, kids and pets, in a 3 bedroom ranch in Kansas City. But there is hope for more, and always room to grow.

My mom isn’t in a little dome on the back 40, no she’s in a little brick quad-plex in rural Iowa. But she wouldn’t have had upkeep either way, and she has the peace and quiet in nature that I always wanted to give her. She is mostly content, and though I can’t walk to see her, it’s not really that long or painful of a drive.

My grumpy ass dad that wasn’t even supposed to be at Atira still got to visit and see that all his demeaning behaviors made me a better person than he. Plus he’s being cared for by my sister whom, even without any experience, is probably the better candidate to meet his desires and outdated beliefs.

My business park is really just the clinic; and my significant-other business partners, well they’re not-so-significant-others. Despite having thought the one chiropractor had lots of potential with the energetic connection, I’ve come to terms that it probably won’t go anywhere. And the office manager is a kind hearted woman like my mom, that wants to understand and be helpful, but sometimes just needs others to be understanding for her and her concerns. The both have my heart in much different ways than my dreams of Atira had implied. No less significant though.

My temple is my basement and no gatherings have been accomplished because of Covid. This too will pass.

My affordable, very capable, mechanic that can fix anything is a good man in Merriam.

My stores are scattered all over the metro area.

My Atira community is really another companies’ retirement home that has wonderful people working and living in it. I’m glad that my skills are still of service to them.

My festival grounds are our old stomping grounds out at Camp Gaea, and those too have been put on hold due to Covid. You know if it’s clothing optional, that masks won’t be worn either.

My studio space is a corner of our bedroom, and Nathan’s darkroom is the spare small room in the basement. Our gallery is still manifesting.

And Nathan. He is my everything. He wasn’t supposed to be, there were supposed to be others to share the load. But Nathan does his best. He’s my love, my children’s father, my parent on duty, my home educator, my house husband, my resident photographer, my high priest, my magician, and would-be Gardner. He does everything I ask, mostly in appropriate timing and with little to no complaint. He even finally figured out how to help with income and for that I’m so very grateful. I am mostly amazingly grateful for him in my life, especially since the challenges have begun to subside.

My Atira is here. It’s not perfect and doesn’t match my dreams of many years passed, or designs exactly, but most of it has a current usable manifestation. I am grateful for seeing it come together. I am grateful to see that I do have mad skills and I am enough. I have created a world that I am mostly okay with and I am finally beginning to enjoy. One day maybe I’ll have a more accurate version in comparison to my dream scape, but for now I will enjoy the version I do have. I will continue to help others as I am able, but I now have a sense of things having shifted. I no longer owe anything to anyone. I have done my duties and met all requirements imposed upon me. I am free to be me and enjoy my life in whatever way I choose. Now I get to figure out that means. What is fun for me and how do I want that to play out. Can my spread out sprawling Atira Jr become the compact concise community of my dreams over time. That would be really nice. For now I just get to focus on the fun parts. There are so many fun things I want to do that shouldn’t be too hard.

May you see your journey and all of it’s manifestations. May you understand your place in it all. May you know all the elements of your desires are within reach and that sometimes you just need to widen your gaze. May you see those you care for as being important, regardless of how the relationship manifests. May you know that you have done all you need to do, you are whole and complete and more than enough. You are worthy in God’s eyes. May you know that you have cleared your debts and met imposed expectations. May you understand deeper meanings and reasons for everything in your experience. May you feel your way to greater understanding. May you know your own worth, strength, and knowledge. May you see how your actions benefit this world and help it to continue to function. May you find joy mostly and enjoy the ride called life.

Siva Hir Su