Tag Archives: find peace

Being selfish.

I have conceded again, that anything I have desired involving other people is pointless, because invariably they have their own hot mess that I can’t solve.

I can’t make anyone do anything, and now I know that I can pull up when their actions sting, even when there are layers and layers of sting.

I can only help myself be a better person, no matter what.

I can only help myself feel better, no matter what.

I know I can do anything that I choose to do.

I know I am very capable of a wide array of skilled activities.

I know I am skilled enough to learn anything I don’t already know. I am skilled enough to do many great things.

I have been responsible for many people and over many years. I have done everything I was supposed to do, be it based on parental or societal dictations. I’ve even learned how to best care for myself.

I am capable. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am good at everything I choose to do.

I have even learned to controll my emotions. It takes me less time, every time I do it. I know how to find happy, and it’s getting quicker and quicker.

I am enough.

I like feeling good. I appreciate this healing. My whole family deserves the same healing.

I have been fully responsible.

Now what?

I don’t know.

I see the fallacy of my childhood dreams, my idea of perfection is nearly impossible because it would require attempting to control others. The magic lies in letting the divine orchestrate the details.

My problem now lies in that; letting go of my dreams completely carries an emptiness of my own role, I don’t need to orchestrate my Atira, in just such a way. I have accomplished an ability to find peace and happiness no matter what. I have accomplished an ability to see all of the unconditional elements I desired, in my current place of now. Knowing I can work myself towards feeling better, feeling good, and seeing all of the basic desires manifested, leaves me feeling goal-less.

There is nothing I yearn for. There is nothing I desire. There is nothing that I feel is missing or needing accomplished. I can’t even label anything that I really want anymore.

There are some silly things like places to travel to, or things to do, but there is nothing I really desperately want. Pretty much everything has lost its draw.

I am okay with whatever. The Divine can decide for me, no matter what that means. I finally feel like I’ve detached from everything. Nothing is necessary, nothing is vital, and nothing even stands out as a major interest. I am open to anything or nothing, whichever God and Goddess dictate. Death does not scare me, and I’m already living in a crazy stupid world, full of chaos and negativity, so I obviously can handle that. Perhaps there is some other option, if so I’m open to it. Whatever the divine chooses for me.

May you find your peace. May you find full healing. May you see your loved ones healed as well. May you know that everything you need already is here. May you see everything you want and desire in your current reality. May you sense the empty expansion of letting the divine take over and decide for you. May you feel your infinite self and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do. May you trust the divine and allow it to decide for you, even if that might mean death is imminent. May you know that God knows more than you possibly can and will choose the best way for you.

Be still
And know that
I
am
God

First do no harm
So mote it be

Om Shanti

What peace looks like to me.

This is segment 4 of my inspired climb up the vibrational scale this weekend. I knew that to get good things, I must focus on good things, and I used pleasant memories to do that. I’ll go through some of them here. I apologise in advance, it’ll probably be a long one, this really makes me feel good.


Peace to me feels like the private clothing-optional spiritually-open camp that Nathan and I used to frequent (kids & then Covid rules deterred that for a long while). It was so safe, and so secure, and so accepting that even at nearly 300 pounds I could lay naked in the sun. Peace is that feeling of knowing that it’s truly okay and safe to just be me, absorbing beautiful suns’ rays, no matter what that looked like to others. Peace was knowing that there were others of every body type, every age, every gender identity, every sexual identity, and many religious preferences, all doing the same thing. We were all finding immense pleasure experiencing nature’s bounty in our god given skin, being 100% authentic. The overwhelming knowing that everyone is not only safe to be themselves, but accepted as themselves, was so very relieving.

The organization that created that environment went to great lengths to ensure that it was sacred safe ground. They cloaked the land in energy so strong that just stepping foot there soothes nerves. It is so laden with divine goodness that nearly anything goes. You can literally do anything you want as long as it doesn’t create a problem needing external support (police, fire, ambulance). Even drunken debauchery was well accepted, you could participate or not, whatever you want, and everyone knew that. We knew we didn’t have to tell others what not to do, if we didn’t think it was appropriate for ourselves we just didn’t participate. If you did participate in activities like that, even the after effects were lessened compared to external environments, i.e. hangovers were lowered in severity.

Many trips to that place brought many things to appreciate. There were woods and paths to hike, naked if you so choose. There was a big pond/small lake to swim in, canoes and row boats to float in. There was a giant 4 story stairmaster called the main stairs that went from the co-ed bathouse to the ridge where events happened. There was ample camping with options to choose from. They all bring moments of joy for me.

Everytime I would get to the stairs I would pause. People would always ask if I was okay, or offer that I could do it- I could make it up/down them. But my pause was never about the physical experience of climbing stairs, even at 300 pounds I knew I could, and fairly easily, only multiple trips got hard. No my pause was appreciation. The view from the top down, dozens of half naked or wholly naked people making the trek. Beautiful sun filtering through tree’s leaves, critters scurrying along side the same staircase not concerned about the people knowing they were equally safe to just be. It was absolutely beautiful and breathtaking. The view from the bottom equally beautiful, especially watching everyone’s butts twitch in unison as they climbed steps. There was always just something so amazing, exciting and peaceful all at the same time. Even writing this I feel my words are not quite good enough for the moment I always took to savor.

The lake, it was just plain safe fun. I remember the first time a fish nibbled my toes and sent me squealing out of the water. I remember swimming, knowing it was already safe, and hearing a man yell ‘freeze’ as a water moccasin made it’s way through the maze of swimmers. We did, we all just stopped splashing, and the snake didn’t even care we were there. It swam an arms length from me, unfazed that I was floating in it’s territory, that is safety. And the big snapping turtle, someone speculated was probably nearly 100 years old because of it’s size, it never did bother us. I always felt like it would swim just out of the humans area to see what we were up to. I think the turtle found us as entertaining as we did it. I can’t count the number of hours I spent swimming in that lake cooling down from my hours basking in the sun. Every trip to camp brought one singular sunburn, often that tanned before we even left camp, I always did come prepared for that. One summer was so hot the sunburn actually was significant and my aloe didn’t cut it. I went to the herbalist that hooked me up with very expensive miracle salve, handmade for healing, and it did- quickly. One jar was enough for several self-baking disasters, and that particular sunburn, though severe, healed in hours with just a few applications of the salve. My skin was grateful.

There was the garden where I would swing, watching bees and hummingbirds do their job. A wide array of flowers and sculptures to gaze upon. The butterflies would swarm in a beautiful cluster and land on your arms, hands, shoulders, and face if you held still enough to let them.

There was a hill by the lake, perfectly round with mulberry and willow trees around the edges, called Venus Mound. We all knew the rattlesnakes had their den under Venus Mound, but if you were quiet and peaceful they would share the hill during prime basking time. It was just a matter of acknowledgement of their presence and respect of their needs too. All who were respectful were safe, and often the snakes would move to accommodate you. That was always awe inspiring for me, though I never tested that very much myself (there is a scardy cat hiding deep inside me).

The most notable experience for me though, out of all of it, was when I learned decompression and re-entry the hard way. My first trip to camp I had never been such a place. It took me a solid day to decompress and begin to feel the relief and realize just how special camp was. You see in daily life we all play roles, and often those roles seem to pigeonhole us into being or acting a certain way. All of life seems to function that way. And I had been told that people whom frequent camp have jobs in every field: doctors, lawyers, police officers, EMTs, blue collar workers, everything; and it is their only safe place, that’s why pictures are not allowed unless direct permission is given. So part of me believed that I was safe, but I’d never really truly lived an experience like that and it just sank in really slowly. After we set-up camp I changed into shorts and a tank top but was otherwise dressed like someone at the store in the summer. Then I started wandering and meeting people. There were a few like me still in civilian clothes, mostly still setting up their campsite. Everyone already set-up seemed to be nearly naked and oh my was it a learning experience. The first woman I saw bigger than me, fully naked, was hugging a twig of a transgender person. I damn near cried and retreated into the woods to hide my blush and remove my bra. Then I met some of the camp elders, showing their age, but freely enjoying camp as much as someone a third their age. And on and on it went. By the end of the first day I managed to go topless with just a sarong on my bottom half. By day two I found the freedom of “naked as a jay bird” in the trees. It was exillirating and amazing. 4 days were spent like that before pack up and the trip home. I had to really convince myself that it was okay and worth while to go back to “normal”. Once home and back to work, it felt almost painful. It took 3 days to readjust to “normal”. My spirit definitely prefers camp, and hates the low vibration of rules and regulations and people telling each other what to do an how to be. I see that, in general, society still has enough really low vibrational people that screw things up for everyone else, that rules are somewhat vital and necessary. However, I definitely would prefer a life lived the way that camp functions. People responsible for themselves allowing others to do as they please as long as it causes no problems for the whole. People openly accepting everyone as who they are, in the entirety of that sense. I look forward to days where or collective vibration raises enough to enable that.

So yes, camp to me is a huge symbol of peace, tranquility, openness, acceptance, freedom, and being 100% truly authentic to your core being. That is what I want to see more of in this world.


I wanted to add a couple more common-place examples of peacefulness and acceptance which we all experience at some point in our lives. Something that we can all reach for the feeling place of. My words about camp may be inspiring, but if you’ve not had a similar experience you might have difficulty reaching for that feeling place.

Hugs, are one such feeling place that nearly everyone experiences at some point in their life. It might be a parent to child, co-workers over a successful work event, significant-others/spouses expressing love, friends in greeting or as support, or even that of hugging a pet. What all hugs have in common is the feeling of love. It is that warm sensation that spreads from your heart. It brings similes to lips and sometimes tears to eyes. It radiates in and all around, making you feel special, supported, and safe. It’s calming yet oddly invigorating. In the moment of any hug, if you close your eyes, it is like God is holding you as their baby. You know you are safe and that the person you are hugging does care in whatever way that moment is celebrating. Even better are the hugs of unconditional love: parents consoling children and lover’s embraces. Those moments carry a love so strong it obliterates everything outside of it. Time stands still and the moment is just the people present. Nothing outside of those arms’ embrace matters and your whole being is enveloped in love. You can almost hear angels sing and there’s a sense of fairies’ sprinkles of magic dust all around. You simply know all is well and it is safe to just be for a moment, however long of a moment you choose. That moment of unconditional-love hugs, is a very similar feeling place to many of my camp memories. It is the same feeling place that God resides, and that connection with the one whom you are hugging is allowing God force to flow in and all around both of you. It is healing and uplifting. It is life affirming. It is a moment of perfection that shifts everything in your experience to a more positive place. It is your freedom to be who you are. Savor every ounce of those moments, remember them frequently. Let them help you even when you can’t recreate that experience in the now. They are God’s gifts to our memory and our thoughts.

Finally, I see children playing happily as another of those moments. It doesn’t have to be your own children, any children you know will do (don’t be a playground creep). When you notice them playing happily, really notice them. Watch their faces, see the sparkle in their eyes. Listen to the giggles and squeals of delight. In those moments children are flowing God. If they sound too loud, it’s because you are too grumbly (I know this from my own experience). Take a moment to check yourself and relax. Really enjoy the fact that they are happy. Truly take a moment to savor their joy. See if you can figure out what is bringing that joy, see if you can feel the ripple of it. Feel for the uplifting sensations, the energetic playfulness that spills forth. If you can feel it and savor it, it will bring more and similar into your experience. If you don’t have access to watching children, then try to remember some moment like that from your own childhood. Those memories can get buried pretty deep under “have to’s” and “should do’s” but they are still in your memory banks somewhere. Reach and dig until you find one and focus so intently you relive the moment. Feel how happy you were, remember how much fun you were having. Those are our blessings just like hugs. Those moments allow God to flow through us and do wonderous things. They feel good and they bring good. We all have those moments somewhere if we allow ourselves to find them again.

The more we focus on these feelings, these moments of peace, of joy, of loving acceptance, the more our world will improve. Let’s all savor our blessings hidden in our memories.


May you have good thought journeys that end up in the highest vibrations possible. May you see and feel our expansion as a collective. May you simply know you are free to be yourself in any and every way possible. May you have safe, uplifting, life affirming environments to recharge in. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do and wants you to know true freedom and safety. May you have more and more good days and find the healing that God knows you deserve.

Om Shanti

Intentionally Vague

Tired of stalkers that want to be all up in my business, think they are “helping”, but put their agenda and two cents worth in when I didn’t ask for it. And it’s actually mostly energetic. In fact several of these people have denied me over and over again in face to face interactions. Playing innocent or ignorant or even down right telling me off.

I am seeing the chaos and mayhem thread that runs through several individuals. They definitely have the wavelength of Shiva-God-of-destruction down pat. I suppose I should have quit praying to Shiva when I got out from the worst of my problems. But even that God archetype has a good side, so why the hell do I keep getting the worst side? You only have to destroy once and then spend the rest of the time creating beauty, so why didn’t I get the good creation side?

Anyway, the last few weeks many, many posts have been read from the entirety of my writing journey. I am suspicious of which individuals are rehashing my history, by which posts have been viewed. Dad is obviously one, big surprise- not.

I wouldn’t really care about them being hung up on me, if their fixation moments didn’t fling giant globs of energetic poo at me and my family. I don’t want what they think I want, and they can’t, for whatever reason, see that their efforts are not actually helping me. It’s because they are reaching for what they would want if ____ was said, not reaching for Treasa says she wants _____. I also suspect they are fixating on one aspect and details, instead of the general overall package and feel (Abraham tells us over and over that is how we fail so often anyways).

So then chaos ensues.

Good example. Dad hates my husband and barely acknowledges him as being in my life. I’m certain he’s sent prayers, and overly fixated on Nathan needing replaced, and he probably thinks it should be by someone like my poor little daddy-o. Because I keep ending up with more people in my life that are just like my father. Jealous, bitter, self-hating, addiction laden people that think they know what’s best for me. They want to tell me what I really want or shoot down every possibility, with things that could go wrong. When they aren’t telling me my desires are inappropriate or too complicated, they are busy challenging me, like I need to prove myself to them. Yet none of them work on themselves, no they only focus on: what are my abilities, what are my skills, can I handle this or that, how quickly can I grasp something?

Here’s the kicker, I have passed every such test with flying colors for several years running. Multiple individuals testing me for their own gain, and no serious failures in my part.

Yet not a damn one of them offered me the funding to start Atira. Not a damn one of them honored me and respected me in any lasting tangible ways. Not a damn one of them congratulated me publicly. Not a damn one of them offered me a job that was actually financial improvement for me. Not a damn one of them offered to help me through my next goals. Not a damn one of them gave me emotional support. Not a damn one of them helped me keep my depression puzzle together. None.

Two attempted to help with housing but at the cost of my hours and hours of tedious and difficult labor. Which, one helped negligebly and was busy distracting us with requests to help them with many things, and the other helped more, but cost me a small fortune and blamed me for the sky falling. Three half-heartedly helped with birth of children.

But my Nathan has done all of it. Nathan has never tested me. Nathan has publicly acknowledged and congratulated everything I have done and accomplished. Nathan has offered his finances to help with business goals. Nathan has done his level best to support me in all ways, including reaching goals, housing, births, and depression puzzle needs. And on top of it all Nathan loves me unconditionally and shows affection every time I need it and many many times that I don’t. He genuinely supports everything that I want from the ‘how can I help you get there’ view.

So if you are one of my stalkers that have played dumb to my face: get a fucking life. If you really truly cared you would say it to my face in kind manners and words. You would show love and affection like a good friend or loved family. The fact that you ruminate on my lack of giving you all the credit is proof that you never actually cared about me or my well-being. The fact that you can’t be fully kind and caring to me directly proves that I was never in your heart. Do you even have a heart, or are you all just uncaring calculating ass-hats out to get what you want? You think a little pretending will convince me you care enough to be able to manipulate me. It only got you a handful of inexpensive gifts, or my time, and I see right through you. It’s okay, I am no longer interested, I was waiting for you to get your shit together to try to give you a second chance. I believe everyone deserves extra chances, but none of you cared to see my intelligence or genuine caring, to even see that I was trying to help you and give you more chances. Your manipulative decisions have become a turn off. All seeing stalker eyes or not. None of you get it and won’t even see my new decisions coming.

I am beginning to wonder if anyone in this world knows or understands love, affection and kindness anymore.

Currently, there are three in my daily life that I believe are part of this vague rant, beyond my father and others from my past. All three are failing to deal with themselves, and all three have significant addictions (one food, one drug, and one body-chemistry/thought-drama), all three pretend they care and are interested. But none of them are really authentic, none are genuine with me, let alone anyone else. None of them follow through with anything I care about, none of them give of themselves unconditionally (all expecting tit-for-tat type exchanges).

Yet despite my best efforts to play tit-for-tat and still give of myself to them unconditionally, I still get waves of negative chaos in my experience.

Frequently, I can feel which person is responsible for the particular chaos wave I’m dealing with. See my gift gets more understood all the time. When the chaos hits, I now feel parts of my body that connect to certain individuals; be it just where the connection fell or they actually touched me there or somehow my body held a memory of them there due to ailments of theirs or whatnot. When the physical sensations arise I often get a paired thought of that spot that confirms the person. So most of the last few weeks I’ve known whom was fixating on my blog, thus on my not meeting their expectations, and creating negative chaos in my experience.

On one hand I am getting much better at kicking them out, my anger can be just as strong as Lord Shivas’. Potent anger directed at the source of chaos is an easy way to cause it to cease.

There’s also been lots of telling the archetype off. “Shiva go destroy yourself. Destroy your own anger, jealousy, greed, and chaos. Destroy yourself and your bullshit. Siva Hir Su. Siva Hir Su. Siva Hir Su.”

I mean it. I need no more destruction. I’m ready to throw in the towel like my father and walk away from this world, but I’m pretty sure I’ve hit my limit where it’ll stick this time because I know I beat depression. It’s easier to kill yourself when you know you’ve done everything you could, improved things as much as possible in every way, and your world is just plain not worth living in. Bonus I found a gun today, so I even have access to the proper tool this time.

Siva Hir Su

I need the loving, protective, creative, supportive side of God. I don’t need anymore kicks in the ass, I need acknowledgement, much greater financial support, less work (God seems to forget that I’ve spent over 3 years working 6 to 7 days a week), and more healing (the last round of EBV flare-up a couple months ago did a number on my pancreas and I have yet to recover).

I need the loving kindness of divine caring. I need healing on the deepest fullest level, the kind that makes your body tingle and every cell feels relief, near miracle. I need appreciation. I need rest but with every bit of my income plus some. I need my broad desires, the big picture, the whole package, to begin manifesting.

Because, it is pointless to walk away from this particular set of nonsense, you just get repeat. I’ll just end up with a similar but different set. I’ve done that several times.

No if things don’t genuinely improve for me, inside and out, I will choose death and rebirth willingly.

I have prayed enough for hosts of angels, all the divine in all is aspects, to help. Start showing it, and kill the chaos. Start helping me experience the better that the bible, koran, bhagavad gita, and other ancient texts talk about. I’ve had glimpses of the good things, but the chaos is so busy destroying my world that my glimpses are fleeting. I want the chaos to just end.

My new mantra:

“My vortex knows what I need. My vortex knows what I want. My Good God knows the quickest easiest route to get it to manifest in my life. I love myself and deserve more. Om gum ganpatiye. Om shanti.”

May you never have extreme chaos disrupt your world. May you enjoy your experience. May everyone around you be genuine and authentic. May you know that others genuinely care about you and love you. May you have ample reasons to keep living. May you enjoy your life.

Om Shanti