I’m struggling right now, so is my family. But, that has all brought me amazing clarity on what I really want, and that is already in my vortex. Struggle can be easily replaced with improvement just by some focus. So I’m going to focus on the positives and do my best to make light and joy of it.
I used to be Jabba-buska the Hut:
This Jabba the Hut:
But with a bit more babushka:
Now I’m a little more:
I’m kinda like that head witch in the middle- the one with black hair, large but definitely a woman… finally! It’s really nice to actually have a waist line for once, it’d be nice if it was a few inches lower, but I’ll take it! This artwork cracks me up by the way, this image would have been painted in a church, probably on the ceiling, but christians are generally speaking so afraid of nudity, I think all those naked church pictures traumatized everyone! The saw all the possibilities of the human body and behaviors and simply lost their minds it was too much to process and they just shut down. I wonder if the people most concerned about nudity refuse to go to the historic churches where pictures like this are found!
Anyway, tangent, I was on the subject of improvement.
I used to be scary-deamon mom who will slice and dice you if you step out of line:
To, now, I can be this mostly:
And only occasionally, I turn just a bit, enough to scare the daylights out of children:
Control, when applicable, is totally a good thing. I can’t control a damn thing outside of myself, I can only control what’s inside myself. And my improvement is knowing that.
I have earned my miracles, every last one of them. And I’ll keep doing my best every day of my life, that’s a great belief.
I strive to do better so that humanity is able to improve as a result. I’m a willing participant in evolution for better. I’m deserving of my healing, but I’m also deserving of my children’s healing, my husband healing, our family showing it’s possible. That ripple will help enable everyone to know it’s possible and humanity needs that.
So I’m focusing on improvement in every aspect… To be continued … Just after I separate two children.
May your meditations and musings always be uninterrupted. May your children cooperate with you and sleep. May you find the light and know that humor sometimes helps get there by making things lighter. May you see your path to improvement and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.
I told Nathan that’s what I want to do. I wouldn’t really, it’s just words to express my frustrations.
I’m not some monk sitting in robes in some mountain monastery all day for the rest of my life. In fact that sounds like a really great permanent vacation at this point.
No phone, no internet, people all busy taking care of their inner world, being served minimal extra healthy meals, getting perfect amounts of sleep regulated for the group as a whole. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that picture and the human experience.
In fact it’s the ideal.
And that’s why I want to punch them.
I’m supposed to try and fit monk ideals into:
Being the provider for a single income household, mom of 3 obstinate kids, wife to a kind but struggling husband, working 6 days a week, and trying to play catch-up for everything that failed when Nathan landed in the hospital again.
I pretty much told god, it may not actually be impossible, but it’s so damn close that the level of expectations is rediculous.
I want to punch Sadhguru, and every monk that ever made it sound easy. I want to punch them and scream at them to go and do it in my life. Go ahead, let’s switch roles for a couple of months, I’ll play monk in robes in quiet solitude and you can carry out all of my roles for a month. I dare you.
I’m supposed to be able to fix it all, manage it all. There’s supposed to be resources for all of it. But despite all of my well meaning efforts, all of my mantras and meditations, the resources simply aren’t there. Most of it is my direct responsibility, and my magic wand has run out of batteries long ago.
I had to stop the service that was taking some of the load off my shoulders. We’d hit a waiting for paperwork to process wall, and were told it could be 2 to 3 months before we got any answers. Bonus, everything else that they could have helped resolve would have taken dollars I didn’t have, at least right now. The chiropractors didn’t really have it in the budget to begin with, so I acknowledged the immense help it was, and willingly cut the cord.
I really need a real live personal assistant and about 20 grand in the bank to attempt to bring a monestary feel to my doorstep. Seeing as how that’s not happening today, or likely even this week, I keep reaching for the best I can in any given moment.
So, with all of that in mind, I am going to poke fun at Sadhguru’s quotes from this week. Who knows maybe he’ll read it and get a chuckle.
Seriously though, I have fit in some hammock time even with overcast weather. I have done meditations at night, and I’m savouring my beach time by looking at the pics and videos and letting my mind be back there. The To-Do-list is moving slowly to try and keep my shit together and keep myself from stressing so much. There is less stress, but it is not gone. I’m doing my level best with the situations and elements I have to work with and around. Perhaps one day I will find my path starting to get easier, but it’s been so long I’m really clinging hard to my hope of that.
May you find the humor when life fails. May you know that ideals are lofty goals and the rest of us are just responsible for reaching as high as we possibly can. May you see the good in your life and have enough time and resources to manage everything. May you know that you are supported and that the trickle can grow. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, even when it is poking fun at monks and the negatives of your life.
Ian likes to draw me pictures. Sometimes I can tell exactly what they are, sometimes it’s more abstract or one of his mazes based on a game he plays.
Katherine however, has decided that coloring is the way to go, and she’s quickly learning to color inside the lines. She went from full page scribbles one day to actual colored images the next. I caught myself saying, “when did she start doing that”, to acknowledge I had just seen one of the full page scribbles 2 days prior.
So I’ll share some pics I snapped of her new skills at the end.
I however, have used my slivers of spare time to produce a presentation. It will count as a 1 credit hour continuing education credit for dental hygienists. I will speak for roughly an hour and then field a Q&A afterwards. My topic: massage therapy for self-care/career longevity, and client assistance/retention. I think I have finished the power-point portion, though I still need several more run-throughs to feel comfortable, so there may need to be edits to accommodate better flow. Essentially though, I’m down to just practicing my speech. It’s scary but exciting. I have one week to practice as delivery will be next Wednesday evening.
It gives me jitters just thinking of it, because the DH association of Kansas City has approximately 1,000 members and potentially all of them could log on to the presentation. The largest presentation I have given prior was my veteran’s day assembly in 2018, and approximately 120 people were present for that. If all possible members attend, I will be speaking to a much larger group than I’m used to. Fortunately, because of Covid it is presented via Zoom, so I won’t see all of their faces at once. Whew. Still nervous, but less than if I was going to speak in an auditorium. I haven’t done that since my art history presentation in college (there were 250+ in that course and I totally rocked it). So, I may not speak in front of large groups often, but I’m no stranger either. I totally got this sh*t.
All fun aside, I am very honored to have had this requested of me. I appreciate very much the level of trust that is being placed in my abilities, skills, and knowledge. It feels very good to know that professionals of another field respect me enough to essentially do a short class on how my skills relate to their field. I’m thankful for the opportunity and experience and send prayers that everything flows smoothly and I remain fully articulate and meet or exceed everyone’s expectations. Cross your fingers that it goes well for everyone.
May you see the good in your children and find wonderful fulfilling additions to your work load. May you be surprised and delighted in as many ways as possible. May you enjoy creativity, especially when your kids demonstrate it. May you give yourself a little credit once in a while for the good things you do. May you know your skills and knowledge are appreciated by those around you. May you find that many other people respect you. Above all may you have fun, knowing God loves and supports you in all that you do.