Tag Archives: finding balance

Rawr

After my last post I was feeling really good.

Two hours later I was feeling strange. Having odd moments I couldn’t explain, and Nathan and my kids were too. He texted me asking if I was okay, something he does frequently when he feels like something is up. I replied that I felt strange and like something was happening. He replied that it was affecting the whole family and caused him anxiety and Ian a bit of a freak-out melt-down. A sense of our environment having odd shifty sensations was the key overlapping experience, like you were looking at something and it moved for just a second.

It didn’t subside, and that night I texted other staff I was thinking about not working the next day because the weird stuff was taxing me energetically.

That evening I had an episode of full body tremors/shivers with mid-back pain. I only slightly felt cold and no temperature registered on my digital thermometer, with my highest reading being 97.8°. I immediately thought of when Nathan’s kidney stuff was at it’s worst and freaked out screaming at thin air. I was livid that I’ve been doing everything right, and in that moment felt like I was dieing. I screamed myself hoarse.

Multiple text conversations later, I did decide to not work, and they said Nathan and I should get acupuncture and chiropractic. The acupuncturist had had similar oddities that day, but her list was shorter. They did ask me to find a COVID test one way or another.

An hour an half of scouring the intent I claimed the last test at a CVS, 20 miles from home. It was an end of the day time slot on Friday, so clinic treatments happened first. Nathan ended up having low blood pressure drops and passed out 3 times. I still felt strange. The acupuncture helped a lot, and chiropractic helped me move better, solving the residual mid-back pain.

We went home to wait for my test, and I was literally on the fence about working today (Sat). I only had the odd moments and sore throat from screaming, and Saturdays are 3 hours and done. I said I’d work it, before leaving to complete the test.

The test was a rapid response nose swab. It came back an hour later as positive. I texted everyone results and assumed time off work. At that point even my throat and voice were feeling better. I was miffed, but honored testing to take time off.

Now it’s the end of Saturday. My throat actually came back with a vengeance about 11am, and I’ve spent most of the day without a voice. My body temperature has actually been running near hypothermia at 94.4-96.4°, so I took an extra dose of thyroid meds and told Nathan I need calories I can swallow. Otherwise I feel no worse than any other head cold I’ve ever had.

I’m still angry because I have been doing everything right, and I actually feel worse 24 hours post test than pre-test.

I also went through a moment of angry at the teen. She has no symptoms and wanted to hide. I was told that I made a mistake in assuming it was because she thought it would spare her. Yet, after I pointed out that she’d already been exposed for probably several days, she begrudgingly came out of hiding to help with her siblings. I pointed out that she might already be immune, which would confirm my prior sentiments that we’ve already had COVID before. Regardless, whether she eventually shows symptoms or not, she was not going to spare exposure by hiding now, it was already too late for that. That is how viral infections work, they spread before you even know you have it, and by the time the weird symptoms set in, it was in full swing and she was definitely exposed then. It’s one of the most annoying elements of the last two years, and why 4 of 5 of us were impacted at the exact same time.

What I can’t figure out is how the acupuncturist had weird things happen at the same time. My family has been nowhere as a whole family in ages, and definitely not in conjunction with the acupuncturist. So there should have been at least a little bit of staggering of arrival of symptoms, weird or otherwise. Yet we were all impacted around 11am to noon on Thursday. That is just odd.

Anyway, Nathan got tested through his dialysis clinic, but results for him will take 3 days. We are charged with searching for a test for the teen. She has been instructed not to work until she can produce a negative result test. It’s a tall order to even find a test right now, and if she’s asymptomatic carrier, then she might have to test several times over to be able to return to work.

I just think it’s all a bunch of hogwash when the system doesn’t care about long-term effects, long-term damages, the possibility of chronic infections, or the fact that their precious failed to do anything. After my positive, Nathan read a Facebook post from a friend, whom has been as fully vaccinated as is possible with her last booster being less than a month ago and she’s sick with COVID too.

I’ll reiterate. Put up or shut up.

If the system isn’t really going to produce anything to truly fix this, then stop making everyone jump through rediculous hoops over and over, again and again. Definitely stop scaring everyone constantly because that’s not helping matters at all.

We don’t do any of this for the flu or any one of a number of other diseases that medicine failed to permanently solve (several of which they don’t even educate their own staff properly on). So why this one?

I’m not stupid. I’m not going back to work until I am 100%. I don’t with anything I catch. But just like the flu, by the time I was certain it was illness, it was too late, I’d already exposed people, masked and all. I’m not dumb, a paper mask may help but does not eliminate risk of transmission. I likely exposed at least a dozen clients, the entire staff, and a few people in stores before I showed a single odd moment. It is what it is.

And the higher and deeper this piles, the more I simply know it’s going to take a long term toll. I do believe in the divine, and whether this was man-made or not, the divine sure as hell isn’t stopping it. So I have to believe it is serving a purpose that God supports.

May you know you are here for a reason. May you understand that some things are not solveable, and your role and responsibility is to do the best you are able with the hand you are dealt. May you find the discomfort of illness tolerable, and find your way to full recovery and restored balance. May you heal yourself and your world one step at a time. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Cardboard Fire

I have a 
Cardboard Fire
It's been
Burning
Indefinitely
Good at keeping it going
I've even managed
To build it up
Add wood
A few times
Eventually
Embers stoke
More cardboard
It's safe
It's secure
I've learned
Exactly how
To keep it alive
Enough to
Feel it's warmth
More than not
Don't dare
Add fuel
Risk of
Smothering
Or stoking too much
Either would
Cause burnout
Sometimes it has
Difficulty
Battling
The cold of
Life
Sometimes
Leaks
Threaten
To drown it out
But I snuggle closer
Rely on pets
Blankets or layers
For warmth
And eventually
Get my
Cardboard fire
Going again
It's beautiful
All fire is beautiful
I hate seeing it
Dwindle
Because the beauty
Gets harder
To see
To feel
When it does
Enliven
Even a little
It's warmth
Dancing flames
Remind me why
I'm here
I wish I could
Tend my fire so well
It is bigger
More beautiful
To see
To feel
Everyday
Always
For now
I'll enjoy
Appreciate what
I'm able
With my
Little
Consistent
Indefinite
Cardboard Fire
Just enough
To see
To feel
To keep going
In dark times
My
Cardboard Fire

~Treasa Cailleach

May you have a beautiful, generous, warm fire always. May you know how to tend the best for yourself. May you know your fire is really within yourself and manifests outwardly in a myriad of ways. May you look for the embers of life, dancing like faires in the dark, and use them to stoke your own fire enough to see and feel the love all around you. May you know you are never truly alone, and there is always someone there for you. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

***At some point in the next few days I’m going to merge my sites. The other one only has about 20 posts, so it’s needed, but it’s not new work, just new to eyes that never found my other site. It’ll be a reading dump when I get to it, but almost all of them are poems. I hope you like them, but this is more for me than you anyway. I need to condense and purge and make new again, and it’s a mechanical start. Happy reading and happy days ahead.***

Floating a little.

Slowed down
Letting
MY
Body
Catch up

Breathing
Stretching
Relaxing
Replenishing
Hydrating
Healing

A real break
Improbable
One can
Wish
Dream
Great mother
Wishes as well

Yet life
Doesn't
Stop
Ever
Always something
Living
Breathing

Society
Incapable
Of
Slowing
Or stopping
For real

Already crying
6 weeks lost
Maybe more
To be
Imposed
Actions
Forced

The problem:
People CAN stop
Given
Time
Space
Resources
And instruction

Corporations
Choose not to
Always focused
A bottom line
Needing met

Bills won't
Utilities
Mortgages or rent
Always there
Needing to
Recoup
Resources
Used

Medicine can't
To many sick
Needing care
Too many dieing
Too slowly
A system
Complexity
Immense
Feeding itself
To stay
Alive

People hurt
When forced to do
What others
Choose not to
Based on their
Educated or known
Needs and desires

Why force people
In any way
If all have valid reasons
For other actions

People can stop
If bills do
People can heal
If given choice
Real Nutrition
Options
And freedom
To meet their
Unique needs

My unique needs
Are too complex
For one incapable shot
For one incomplete answer
For one undesired solution
For 6 weeks
To fulfill

Cribs
Or cars
Would have been
Recalled
Lawsuits filed
And
Won

6 weeks
Not even
Enough
To
Fully
Recuperate
From what
Women's bodies
Were intended
To manage

If other can't
Meet complexity
Then why should
I be
FORCED
To choose
It
Or
Anything
Narrowly minded

Life's
Complexity
Dictates
Complex
Answers
Complex
Solutions

And
Right
NOW
My body
Needs
Rest
To even
Attempt
To reach for
More
Complexity

The last round
Grief, chastity
Laden
Exhausted
Nerves
Emotions
And muscles

Starved
Energy
Love
Constricted
Movement
Flow

Recuperation
Time
Unknown

Longer likely
Slower
Isn't stopped
Slower
Isn't supported
In the
Grand scheme
It's obvious

Masculines
Still
Narrowly focused
Narrowly minded
Missing value
Everywhere

Missing opportunities
For
Cooperative
Solutions
Complex answers
Real
Balance
In all

Slower
Must suffice
For now
For as long
As needed

I deserve
That much
And so much more

I am making
Peace
With
Quiet
Slow
Me time

MY
Time
For the
Complexity
It will
Solve
For
ME
~Treasa Cailleach

May we all have enough me time and adequate breaks to heal. May breaks always be based on fulfilling your own unique needs. May life be kind and slowly flow to enable healing and still maintain forward motion. May we all make peace with our place and our morality. May we all do our part to restore balance and freedoms, right wrongs, and cooperate for complex solutions.

Om Shanti

Side note. This stems from actual actions I’m taking for myself and my healing. Partly because my massage was this morning my, but also as a response after hearing that Australian aborigines are being tackled and forcefully injected with what is supposedly just a vaccine. Those are among the most intune and still intelligent people on the planet, if they said no and were forced anyway, then you have to wonder why. I can feel this is not good, and I’m doing my best to feel for better and distract myself. The last thing I need is more reason for negatives. I really need to focus on shreds of happiness to have any hope of surviving this winter.

Divided we fall.

I’ve again had one to many conversations where people pick the extreme side and everyone else is wrong.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Maga-Racist-Trumpers or extreme-liberal-vaccine-pushers. They are two opposing extremes. There’s a hell of a lot of middle ground that it seems no one is acknowledging.

The last conversation referenced stories of friends of friends, and acquaintances as being bullshit that anti-vaxers feed people. And it’s simply picking another extreme and ignoring reality.

Just because a particular fact doesn’t align with your choice doesn’t mean it’s any less true.

Sadly, I hate either extreme, but both extremes are based in experiences and both extremes have elements of truth that get twisted and convoluted to meet the needs of the extreme view.

Additionally, I’m sorry that I’m mostly middle ground on most topics, but see the reason for choice in vaccination, and I especially see the reason for choice for myself and my family.

I watched Vaxxed the documentary. I have read poor data on vaccines. When the data doesn’t stack up well, they glaze over it and bury it as deep as they can, hoping we won’t notice.

Beyond that, I currently work someplace where one of the employees had a vaccine injured daughter. My family has met that now adult mentally damaged child, who has become a ward of the state BECAUSE she did win a vaccine court case, but the payout was so low it didn’t even cover all of her medical expenses to date of settlement. She is managed by a state agent who is doing a horrible job managing her care in an adult group home, and her parents visit as often as possible.

For 3 years, I lived on property of a woman who had two of 4 grown daughters that were damaged from over vaccination, too many vaccines at once caused severe seizures with instant brain damage as a result. Sariah is 18 now and her older sister Rachael is 25. Rachael wears diapers and though she can spell backwards to find YouTube videos, she has very little verbal communication. Sariah acts roughly half her age but is technically fully functional. The 2 sisters Jessica and Ashley, whom were not over vaccinated, are fully functional and perfectly normal.

I had another co-worker several years ago when I worked at another chiropractic office, whom had a daughter in the same boat. Her daughter was named Angela and I met her too. The mom sold Arbonne on the side to make money and to help with her care. It was the only way she could afford to purchase the supplements for her daughter, because being a dealer got her massive discounts and sometimes covered the entire cost of her supplement and food product orders.  The Arbonne products had helped her to detox her daughter and provided higher allergy-free nutrition, which had helped to heal some but not all of the brain damage incurred by vaccination. When I met Angela she had just weaned off of diapers at 16.

Beyond that I am still certain that at least a portion of my battle with depression is vaccine related because of a massive increase in problems and symptoms after having to be revaccinated because of moving to a new school at the age of 12. I had been fully vaccinated less than a year prior, but in moving the old school sent records improperly and my vaccination records were lost along with everything else. The new school required new vaccines because we were unable to obtain proof of original vaccination. I can not solely blame vaccines for my own setbacks, because I have diligently spent years tracking down solutions for various problems and symptoms. Vaccines were not the sole cause for me, but they did contribute in a major way, and they didn’t save me from Epstein-Barr either.

Then pile on top of that the dozen current clients that I work face to face with. Ranging from: the vaccine failed them and they got sick again, to prolonged arm and shoulder pain, to post vaccination anxiety attacks.

Warning: run on sentence ahead…

So yes, when I layer the risks of vaccinations in general but definitely the extremes I’ve seen with my own eyes, on top of knowing Covid already impacted my family in a major way that no one seems to care to fix, on top of knowing that the vaccines don’t have spectacular results as they were intended (more flat out failure based on old standards), on top of the awareness that I’m already overwhelmed dealing with my current reality and even the low end of complications could cause more for me to deal with… you better damn well bet I’m in no rush to get vaccinations for anyone in my family.

Sadly, the reason I quit receiving vaccines two decades ago wasn’t any of that.

It was purely because every time I got a vaccine (flu, tetanus, pneumonia, it didn’t matter), I got horribly sick for at least 5 days, and for several it was over a week. I simply couldn’t convince myself to willingly get sick off a shot any more. The first several years not vaccinating I didn’t get sick at all from anything and that was the final-straw to cease vaccinating.

So, I’m liberal, but far from extreme, and though I’d love many aspects of socialized medicine, mandatory vaccines is not one of them. I firmly believe we all deserve a choice, so much so that when my teenager decided she wanted to vaccinate even after having had covid, I made two stipulations: 1- make your case with valid research, and 2- she will assume any and all consequences of receiving said vaccine, regardless if it’s a bottle of Advil for pain or anything bigger. I can not handle any more complications in my life and thus will not vaccinate, but if she is willing to take full responsibility no matter what, I will not stop her.

I’m no Maga-Trumper and hate much of what they stand for, but I know that many of their choices and beliefs are based in experiences they have had. That is how I find common ground with the ones that land on my table at work. Many of them had bad experiences in their past that lead them where they are. Some of them remember when the government used their own military personnel and military families to test many things (like early vaccines), they remember being guinea pigs the first time around, and how horribly that went. Just because I don’t agree with them and hate their methods, it doesn’t mean I can’t find understanding and be compassionate.

If we all don’t begin to stop and see someone’s perspective as valid and based in their experiences, then we will quickly degread into conflict, mutiny, chaos and mayhem.

We all must start reaching for the common ground and make compromises. We need to be more compassionate with each other and find understanding for each other’s decisions.

I would love to trust unequivocally that the vaccine is perfectly safe and helpful, but my life, my body, my brain tells me otherwise, and I simply can’t handle the results of what could be if we are not the lucky 100% safe ones. There is simply no way to guarantee that I or my family will be completely unharmed. I can not handle anything less, and I simply wish people held enough humanity to understand that.

May you have enough humanity in you to find common ground and compassion for others. May we all survive these times. May medicine find additional ways to help everyone, especially those that were negatively impacted by covid in a permanent way. May we all see that we have reached our beliefs because of our experiences, and that yes even though there is fake news in our midst, that is not the only reason someone believes something. May you have understanding for others around you. May we all feel safe again. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Just stop.

I have stopped.
Stopped to just be.
Just be me.
Just heal me.
I release everything
Letting go of all outside my self.
I draw my energy back
From all those I've worked with,
From all my family,
From all my friends,
From all my worries,
From all my concerns,
From all my thoughts,
From all people, places and things.
I draw my energy back
From all time.
I pull that energy back
To myself,
Here and now,
To heal me,
To love me.
I feel
My Self
And it feels good.
I need my own self
More than ever.
I deserve my own self
Because it is healing.
My self brings
Light and love
Where darkness was.
That is invaluable.
My infinite self
Can do the infinite.
My infinite self
Can do the improbable.
My infinite self
Can do the unlikely.
My infinite self
Can handle more than i.
My infinite self
Makes the finite better.
My infinite self
Knows the finite will pass.
I can do this.
I am healing.
I am improving.
I am managing.
I am handling more than most.
I am thriving in adversity.
I am doing better.
Better than before.
Better than those I learned from.
Better than those I continue to help.
I respect myself.
I respect my accomplishments.
I love myself
Because I am more than all of it.
I am here now.
I am healing.
I am me,
In this moment,
In this time.
I am a warm
Fuzzy bubble of love.
I am beautiful
Inside and out.
I feel good to be me.
I feel better as my Self.
I heal all mechanisms
To be able to maintain
My Self
Every moment and
Every day.
I deserve that.
I deserve me.
I deserve the best me
Always.
Om Shanti

~ Treasa Cailleach