Tag Archives: finding my vortex

We are okay.


Co-operative components
Assembling
Courage and inspiration
Voiced
Calm knowing turns
To decisive action

Thoughts
Feelings
Sensations
Pleasure
Intoxication
Sans fluids

Dreams and desires
May be futility
But heart's
Desires
Grow heedlessly

Warmth
Buzzes
Tingles
Of delight
Expansion

Leapless leaps
Hugs with no arms
Kisses without lips
Touches without hands
Embraced by thin air

All are
Symptoms
Of sense beyond
Present
Old news

All are
Knowing
Of a
Perfect world
Far beyond
This

Current
Reality
A false pretense
Of past
Manifested
Emotions

Old news
Is no news
Imagine
A Wonka dream
Worlds' paradise

Even if
Dreams stay
Floating clouds
Tis better
To have felt

Hearts
Desire
To feel love
To feel
Ecstasy

Sometimes
Only God Can
Provide
Heart's strongest
Desire
And it's okay that way.

~Treasa Cailleach

Fairly straightforward, but stems from reconnecting with my vortex today. I was able to pull up and focus strongly on my vortex by using the phrase “in a perfect world _______”. It was a beautiful day with sun shining, monarch butterflies flying, hawks screeching, and good conversation with clients at the clinic and residents in independent living. Today was a good day and I look forward to many more like it. I felt a couple of my others in a much better way today and enjoyed it much more, but regardless I found me, myself and I, and observed myself in this beautiful world.

A lunch break walk around the pond by the 2nd job was wonderful and relaxing. The smell of smoke from distant forest fires temporarily caused mild distress and I reminded myself that the fires often lead to new growth. I reminded myself that sometimes the old must die to make room for the new, and if man hadn’t started them God would have used lightening to do so, just like my virus laden cells needing to die to generate much needed healing. I also reminded myself that I love the smell of fire when it’s a small controlled one in my yard or fireplace, destructive forces are not always the chaos that they seem and can be very beneficial to that which they touch.

God is ultimately the one that controlls that process the most, and faith is all that is needed to survive as God intends, as some us survive by allowing our physical self to die. For me it seems only part of me needs to die, and I trust that God will help me navigate the effects of that process in the gentlest most functional way. I will do my best to stay focused on the relaxed, feeling good, enjoyable parts of my experience, and know that it is all okay regardless.

I am where I am and it’s the first step of the journey to where I would like to be.

May you know it’s all okay. May you trust God’s process and guidance. May you feel mostly good and be able to focus on the good in your experience. May you enjoy life mostly. May you see your way through challenges and see the solutions you seek. May you know you are healing and headed for better days. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

Not settling, just paused.

My dad was never supposed to be part of Atira. His leech-like energy-sucking is counter productive to my healing and forward momentum. Yet, I have processed a ton, emotionally speaking, since taking his situation on. So this is merely a segué in my progression forward.

I am not my father, and I am striving to be better and do better than him in most every way. My father is so very not God, and I forgive myself for having made that confusion as a baby. I have seen clearly, as an adult, that trying to please him is (and always was) futility and will never result in the feelings of love that I felt as a baby.

Additionally, this experience has definitely given me a very tangible lesson on how it is okay to let the old, infirm, and unhealthy die. The level of negativity he exudes daily is oppressive; it makes it difficult for my sensitive family to function, and bogs me down in unimaginable ways. So I am definitely ready to release that immediately. I am okay with his passing, knowing that all of that heavy negativity will stop and his spirit will be free of an infinitely oppressive weight. His passing would actually help his own spirit and the world quite significantly.

I do have a responsibility and a duty to do what doctors deemed necessary. I see that what little is being done, is enough to slow the death process, but not enough to eliminate it, so it is only a matter of time. Only God knows how to override that medical process and give my father the quick painless exit he prefers. So I have and will continue to send prayers that his preferred result comes sooner than later.

At the same time, all of the parts of me that carry his weight of oppression can also die. All of the cells and processes damaged by having learned from him can also die. Even brain cells can be transformed to release his patterns. I am okay letting every nano-ounce of his junk go. I even support my body allowing God to turn junk DNA off and more helpful DNA on. I am okay letting the old, infirm, unhealthy parts of myself die and for healing to take their place.

I deserve the wholly beautiful self, inside and out, that my divine half wants me to be. I deserve to have a more stable emotional set point. I deserve to be very even tempered. I deserve to have plenty of patience, and I also deserve to have fewer things test my patience. I deserve to have my understanding acknowledged, because I am more understanding of others than my father will ever attempt to be.

I know I am more compassionate than my father. I know I am more loving than my father. I know I am more caring than my father. I know I am WAY more open minded than my father. I am more accepting than him. I am more thoughtful, courteous, and respectful than him.

So, my Vortex self is all of those good qualities, and letting the old die will enable the Vortex version to manifest more easily. That is a very good thing.

Abraham talks about ignoring what you don’t want and focusing on what you do want. So I am putting a concerted effort into ignoring all of the old dieing parts and focusing intently on the end result.

I’m focusing on: my DNA being flipped, my tummy being small, my skin being toned, my metabolism being high, my emotions stabilizing on a high vibration set point, my temper disappearing, my brain rewiring, and all of my good qualities being honored by others. Those are the elements of me that have been trying to manifest for 30 years, held down by unhelpful beliefs and genetic karma passed to me by my parents. Those are the elements of me I chose to allow to come forth knowing none of the past is worth hanging on to. I am worth more than repeating my parents sad and negative story.

So focusing will continue as long as necessary. This is just another manifestation goal, and one I am certain I’ll achieve in time. My current determination being what it is, it may be much sooner than other manifestations have taken. I don’t like the feeling that my father produces, it makes it really obvious that he has disconnected me from my own source. I think I know how to fix it short term, and every minute of everyday I am able, I will focus on the desired vortex version and allow it to manifest quickly.

I will find a way to allow better.

My Atira is not for the infirm to drag the world down, it is for the healthy to lift the world up.

May you all have very clarifying experiences. May you see exactly what needs to happen to allow better things in your world. May you trust the divine process. May you understand when negativity threatens your mood that it is because you lost sight of your own vortex. May you always find a way to focus on your vortex, even when darkness threatens your life. May you always win the good fight and find alignment with your source. May you know your divine half is always routing for you and that God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

Lessons of unconditional

I woke this morning, having gotten to sleep in a little, and found my husband’s hand. I held his hand, still sleeping heavily he didn’t notice tears start to fall. They were tears of mixed emotions, both happy and sad.

I love my husband very much, and his greatest failure was that he loved deeply and had his heart hurt. The tears were because I was feeling the love for him and wanting to heal the hurts we both carry.

He loved several times over, and each one ended with him being in sorrow, because relationships ended in unpleasant ways. His already hurt heart, became broken when the mother of his first child left him and took their baby. The ensuing divorce and years of traveling just to see his little girl turned heartbreak into a damaged vessel. His physical heart bore the weight of the trauma in now physical ways.

When we married I tired to help him find healing, but western medicine and “disability” only seemed to make matters worse, especially financially. Yet they did keep him alive to keep trying and maybe find healing. I had hoped when his ex passed away from cancer, that full custody would help heal his wounds. It seemed to help, but his heart turned to focus on his inability to support.

Subsequent children were similar. Reasons to love and live, but more reasons to doubt himself and his abilities and role.

Now we both are seeing our own flaws and doing our best to heal internal emotional wounds. We have hope. God seems to be trying to guide us to real healing. We keep seeing how we are hindering ourselves and allowing ourselves to continue to carry hurts. Because of inspired interactions, following the rabbit hole, we are gaining understanding.

For me, I see his journey and its connection to my health concerns. I know they are linked, even more than appears on the surface. I know that I feel like I let him down further: I bore children for him out of love, and even though I didn’t leave; each pregnancy broke me emotionally, taxed my system too much, and caused similar traumas. Additionally, I want to love like he has, but I’m afraid of getting hurt. I want to experience polyamory in it’s fullness, but I’m afraid that I will lose sight of the unconditional aspect and allow myself further hurts. Our previous failed relationships have already hurt enough, I’m afraid to really allow what I want to arrive. I let doubt and fear and frustration over my own failures cloud the path to better. The fears obscure my solutions.

It is layers upon layers and I unravel one layer to have another appear. Ultimately I just want that full healing solution for us both.

I know part of that is I need to SEE us both healed.

I want to see him like when he was younger. Virile, strong, slender, passionate and healthy in many ways. He worked hard and did his best, but still had fun. That was the man I fell for, the one before the heartache, before his wife and girlfriend left.

At the same time I want to see myself as I’ve never been. Healthy, completely well, slender and strong. I want my skin to shrink, especially where I’ve lost weight, and be just like the firm beautiful skin that I have on my arms and back. The thoughts of those elements feels good, but I’m having trouble seeing it as a whole me.

I explained to Nathan and another friend, that I have two distinctly different mental images. In my mind I see the fat woman I have been for so long, since I was about 13. Then there is that mental image of Shiva. Slender, strong, but most definitely a man. That divine image/energy has helped me through many difficulties and helped me be strong when I thought I couldn’t. It helped me support a family on my own, and find masculine energy when it was needed. Yet it isn’t the slender woman I want to be. So I have this strange dichotomy. Two drastically different images, one doesn’t match my gender and the other doesn’t match my very slowly shrinking body.

Pile on top of that a sense I’ve had for decades that the real me is trapped inside this heavy body. I sometimes have a sense of tunnel vision like wearing a huge stuffed costum.

How does one see their loved one in the best light when there is a decade of less than desired memories? How does one see oneself as a slender very healthy looking woman when there are 3 decades of the opposite and two drastically different mental images?

I know it is a lesson of unconditional. Abraham has been doing their best to guide me and remind me frequently. I know I feel my vortex often and I want to allow the things I know are there. Again I find myself in the catch of not being a monk, someone with nothing but time to meditate.

I know there are loving partners in my vortex. I know at least one or two people of my previous energetic connections are likely to circle back around, either as their original selves or a God given substitute. I know that it is possible for both Nathan and I to find our ideal wholely healed selves. I know it is possible for us both to look and feel good. I know that we can have our both moments and all the things we desire.

It is my responsibility to find my unconditional loving self more frequently and find a way to SEE all of it. That alone is what is needed to allow all of my desires. I know I have done it before, and I know I can do it with this too. It may just take more practice on these subjects. I’m willing to give it my best, and I hope the divine will continue to help me reach for these things. I do look forward to figuring it out and seeing the manifestations match my thought forms. Hopefully I will master these elements more quickly than previously manifested aspects.

May you find a way to your unconditional self. May you love your potential and your already manifested progress. May you find a way to SEE what has previously been difficult. May you know you are in the right track. May you have the ability to focus only on the positives. May you enjoy life more than not. May you sense your vortex mostly and be unbothered by “reality”. My you understand bending reality and see there is no spoon. May you know God is doing their best to help you with all of it.

Siva Hir Su